Ace of Spades HQ

January 31, 2006

Update On Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey: Arrested On Old Stalking Warrants
— Ace

"The Impaler"? Stalking? The Deuce you say!

Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey, who announced in Princeton Jan. 13 that he was running for governor, was arrested at his Princeton apartment about 8:30 Monday evening.
Princeton officer Todd Frederick initiated a search yesterday afternoon that led to the discovery of two active felony warrants from... Indiana.
The 2005 warrants were issued in May for stalking and in September for escape on a $100,000 bond.

Just because you're hiding in the bushes, going through someone's trash, and collecting toe-nail clippings and discarded bandages doesn't mean you're "stalking."

Followers of the Dark Lord of Blood know that these steps are necessary to construct a voodoo doll.

The authorities call it "stalking." I call it "Magikal Path courting."

"You will love me, or I will bathe in
your blood before the Children of Babylon!
How's the Olive Garden at eight-ish sound?"

The old "The Impaler" post, if you missed it.

More Geek Jokes: Brain B--

So he failed his Move Silently and Hide in Shadow rolls?

Critical miss resulting in... let me look this up on my tables and matrices... loss of 4 Wisdom points and a booking on a Class C Felony. Ooooh! That's going to leave a mark!

Cleric! I need a Restoration spell! And a Reduce Bail spell!

Thanks to DeeGoGa.

Posted by: Ace at 07:27 AM | Comments (24)
Post contains 241 words, total size 2 kb.

1 So he failed his Move Silently and Hide in Shadow rolls?

Posted by: Brian B at January 31, 2006 07:31 AM (rGfpg)

2 DeeGoGa? I thought it was DeeDaGo.

I like it better my way. It rolls off the tongue better.

Posted by: Bart at January 31, 2006 07:32 AM (RKX+4)

3 I wondered where that old table cloth went to.

Posted by: River Rat at January 31, 2006 07:38 AM (SSrbd)

4 Just because you're hiding in the bushes, going through someone's trash, and collecting toe-nail clippings and discarded bandages doesn't mean you're "stalking."

Well, yeah. Course not.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at January 31, 2006 07:40 AM (ATFQb)

5 Its the MAN trying to keep Vampyres down!
Jonathan The Impaler Sharkey is a political prisoner for Satan!
I wonder if he can do that jailhouse finger regrowing that the Satanists could do in Revalations.

Posted by: Iblis at January 31, 2006 07:41 AM (9221z)

6 You know, it's these kinds of spurious background checks to dig up old skeletons that keeps the average citizen (and wanted criminals) from running for public office. Then again, I think it's pretty clear The Impaler is not an average citizen.

Posted by: Cautiously Pessimistic at January 31, 2006 07:43 AM (JKlMI)

7 I really wanted to wrap myself in my celtic knot throw and pose with a sword just like that to put up on Faces of Aces, but Hubby won't take the picture for me.

Posted by: bbeck at January 31, 2006 07:47 AM (qF8q3)

8 He lost my vote, stalking is for sissies not Impalers.
What a fraud, I bet he isn't even a real Vampire.

Posted by: scott at January 31, 2006 07:51 AM (Ffvoi)

9 Ace, I don't think there's any way you could possibly put that picture up too frequently.

Posted by: Sobek at January 31, 2006 07:59 AM (6GK9U)

10 Neck bites are the only penetration he can get.

Posted by: Pixelfash at January 31, 2006 08:04 AM (O+1/6)

11 "Dammit! My familiar said he was going to post my bail! Now I can't get my Ring of Three Wishes out of the property room!"

Posted by: Harry Callahan at January 31, 2006 08:25 AM (Xroyb)

12 "Maaaaaa!!! I'm working on my potions here!!! Leave me alone, would ya? Geez, ya want me to cast the wrong spell on Suzy or sumthin?"

Posted by: wiaserbud at January 31, 2006 08:27 AM (AQGeh)

13 Hey Ace, can you shrink that pic before you post it? It slows the scrolling, plus the autoshrink looks pretty jagged.

Posted by: someone at January 31, 2006 08:42 AM (6Swlb)

14 Maybe he was wearing a Ring of Protection +1. Those things suck.

Posted by: Pixelflash at January 31, 2006 11:02 AM (O+1/6)

15 Hey I just realized he's holding, er, I mean wielding TWO swords in that pic. Even cooler.

Posted by: John at January 31, 2006 01:15 PM (acjPX)

16 bbeck: I'm sure one of the commenters here would volunteer to take that pic...

Posted by: someone at January 31, 2006 01:53 PM (6Swlb)

17 John is right, Lord Dorksley IS holding a second sword with his hidden hand (kind of like Mrs. Peel's missing foot on her blog's picture).

I originally thought that the second sword was a torn piece of siding, but further scrutiny shows that the building in the background is a cinder block structure.

Posted by: Russ from Winterset at January 31, 2006 02:34 PM (Ffvoi)

18 This is BS. He is only being persecuted because he sucks the blood of the living.

Oh yeah. And because he's undead.

Posted by: Red Jode at January 31, 2006 03:47 PM (qlIsS)

19 Indiana wants me, but I can't go back there...

Posted by: Bill H at January 31, 2006 06:51 PM (Lvedx)

20 Jeez, Bill... how fookin old is that song? 1972ish?

Posted by: Madfish Willie at January 31, 2006 06:57 PM (nVA0o)

21 Something like that, yeah.

Posted by: Bill H at January 31, 2006 07:04 PM (Lvedx)

22 HE-MANS sword would make that one he is carrying look like pocketknife THATS NOT A KNIFE THIS IS A KNIFE CROCIDILE DUNDEE

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