Ace of Spades HQ

February 28, 2007

Top Twenty Most Eligible Bachelorettes
— Ace

Ehhh... Mixed in with the Squinch Trinity (Lindsey, Britney, Paris) are some worthies.

Thanks to dri.

Posted by: Ace at 03:23 PM | Comments (65)
Post contains 26 words, total size 1 kb.

1 There are a couple of cute ones but Kiera Knightley needs to seriously consider a habit normal people call eating.

Posted by: chad at February 28, 2007 03:41 PM (WNcvq)

2 If by some, you mean two.

Aussie beer must be powerful good.

Posted by: Emperor of Icecream at February 28, 2007 03:43 PM (w4Bx4)

3 Ivanka is insufferably, adorable. Not sexy, not gorgeous, but VERY VERY VERY cute.

I don't care her net worth. . . .

I could break her, too self confident, too obsessed with her own beauty and too obsessed with her own fame.

If I were on my top game, and I had an in?

I'd break it, if not me? then my rather prosperous friend, or my artist friend, or my bisexual friend.

She could fall easy to a simple game. I know it.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at February 28, 2007 03:50 PM (QTv8u)

4 Sigh........no Chelsea. And after all of that high cost work mom and dad has done on the child.

Ah well. But including that skank Carmen Electra??? Yikes

Posted by: Enfant Perdu at February 28, 2007 03:50 PM (knxmJ)

5 Ehhhh .... is right. A bunch of drug-addled skanks from the entertainment and gossip industry whom nobody in their right mind would think of marrying, with a couple of rich guys' daughters mixed in. Not much thought put into that piece, I think. In the "daughters of the rich and powerful" category, they at least should have bumped off the flat-chested, flat-assed, pinch-faced, and from all accounts not-too-bright daughter of Rod Stewart and instead included Barbara Berlusconi, the smoking hot early-20something daughter of the Italian
prime minister, who runs some of his businesses.
His older daughter Marina's not bad either, but she's married already.

I'm having a hard time coming up with a list of real eligible bachelorettes. I was recently let down to learn that the good-looking former software engineer and fund manager pictured in a recent one-page FORTUNE article on her investment picks is married with a couple of kids. And my other crush from that magazine's writing staff, Sue Zesiger, who writes about high-performance cars, recently got married to the guy behind the Callaway marque, so she's crossed off too. Who's left - Fox RoboBlonde newsbabes? MKH?

Posted by: Alex at February 28, 2007 03:51 PM (fgyj8)

6 Where's the glamour? where's the glitz? most of those broads looked like they needed a hot meal and a good scrubbing with a wire brush. Bring back Rita Hayworth. shoot, bring back Farrah Fawcette (the sane one).

Posted by: mark c at February 28, 2007 03:53 PM (wTVTX)

7 Who's the tranny in slot #3?

And Keira Knightly looks like she would snap in half in a stiff breeze. Who, besides gay fashion designers and Rosetta, find that look attractive in the least?

Posted by: wiserbud at February 28, 2007 03:59 PM (56ssE)

8 Sharapova is the only hot one in the bunch. Figures.

Scarlett Johanssen gets disqualified. She brags on getting tested for AIDS twice a year. Lindsey? Not into the coke so much. Britney? Not into the trailer so much.

Knightly needs to eat a sandwich or two.

"Eligbile?" To the Clenis maybe.

Posted by: Jim Rockford at February 28, 2007 04:05 PM (4878o)

9 Geez, who'd they poll? Fourteen year old delinquents?

I see hundreds of hotter women walking down Michigan Ave. in Chicago on a summer afternoon.

God, I hate being stuck here in Detroit.

Posted by: mesablue at February 28, 2007 04:05 PM (DzeyU)

10 I just want to point that most of you homos jumped all over me a week ago when I had the temerity to suggest that the beak faced beauty gracing this post was only cute, not a beauty.

I may have to rethink cute.

Posted by: JackStraw at February 28, 2007 04:12 PM (t+mja)

11 Brittney looks like Vincent Donofrio in "Full Metal Jacket". or maybe a bald Jack NIcholson in "the shining".

Posted by: mark c at February 28, 2007 04:17 PM (wTVTX)

12 This is a really crappy list. So crappy, in fact, I'm guessing you'll find a PR firm underwrote the thing. Some of them I wouldn't marry off to my worst enemy. Spears and Lohan have seen better days, and most of the models are pretty plasic.

Posted by: Eric at February 28, 2007 04:31 PM (XIXhw)

13 "I am in a world of shit."

Posted by: Britney Spears (: at February 28, 2007 04:40 PM (ySmeE)

14 Ah, Michigan Ave. Sigh.

Call me crazy, but I think that little Princess Beatrice (#3) looks like the redhead from the B52s. That makes her alright in my book.

A wise old Chinese man in Alaska gave me sage advice--ask yourself two questions: would you want this woman to be the mother of my sons, and will she still be delicious to me in 30 years?

So I would not call this a bachelorette list--I'd say it was generally more of a hoodrat collection.

Posted by: IlliniGuy at February 28, 2007 04:48 PM (ySmeE)

15 They certainly weren't ordered by attractiveness, it seems.

And Jack M. won't be pleased.

Posted by: someone at February 28, 2007 05:00 PM (I/t4f)

16 Someone take the girl pictured to the ER so her dislocated shoulder can be fixed.

Posted by: Feisty at February 28, 2007 05:10 PM (NhAcM)

17 I thought Brittany looked like an alien. Do you think she shaved her head so it would match her snootch?

Posted by: BrewFan at February 28, 2007 05:10 PM (P4zSX)

18 Bad news about Gisele, Tom Brady moved in on that after Leo DiCaprio upgraded to a new model. Beyond that I have two words:

Adriana Lima.

Posted by: A.C #1 at February 28, 2007 05:15 PM (C/TCr)

19 Enough of the catty remarks. Let's get to the REAL question :

Barbara or Jenna ?

I got Barbara, so the rest of you morons will have to be satisfied with Jenna.

Posted by: Carl in N.H. at February 28, 2007 05:17 PM (CliQ3)

20 I am disappointed in you folks. No comments on Ms. Stewart's company name, 'Pinky Star Fish'?

Posted by: at February 28, 2007 05:19 PM (Mnez/)

21 When I worked on riverside/canal/canal and michigan, I would see women sunbathing on the planters outside of the building. FUCKING HOT during lunchtime.

However, I loved, the chilled, self conscious faces of the women who wore weather appropriate clothes (parkas and shit) with honest smiles when I was kind.

I fell in love, all over again with the girl next door when I worked in the city.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at February 28, 2007 05:25 PM (QTv8u)

22 FUCK!!!

Canal and Van Buren.

Posted by: Wickedpitno at February 28, 2007 05:25 PM (QTv8u)

23 Let see do I post a long and boring diatribe on some lame-ass political position... or do I post pictures of hot chicks?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You make the call.

Posted by: ulost at February 28, 2007 05:27 PM (1KWpc)

24 Hey ulost , you have no idea what I hot chick is, who are you kidding you pillow biter.

Posted by: Carl in N.H. at February 28, 2007 05:31 PM (CliQ3)

25 Let see do I make myself look like a humorless prick by making an asshole comment on a nonpolitical post... or do I act like a regular guy who actually likes chicks?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You make the call.

Posted by: isuck at February 28, 2007 05:36 PM (JrEqJ)

26 Look, I'm not sure what "squinchy" means when describing Lohan, but I jut want to point out that chick is super hot. See here for proof (a touch NSFW).

After looking at that picture, what's there to complain about? She gets a lot of shit for being the sort of vapid celibrity dumb-ass custom made for ridicule in these modern times, but so what?

I'm not taking my taxes to her. I don't depend on her to organize the company picnic. What she needs to be is hot. I don't ask for more than that out of chicks on TV and in magazines. And she pulls that off quite well.

Posted by: Ray Midge at February 28, 2007 05:49 PM (rH3Ei)

27 All right, unlike the other heiresses in that list, Princess Beatrice is in there SOLELY because of her family connections.

Posted by: Mark V. at February 28, 2007 06:01 PM (X5HHU)

28 Oh that's right, Britney, don't make any f****ing effort to get to the top of the f****ng obstacle. If God would have wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't he?

Posted by: chad at February 28, 2007 06:09 PM (WNcvq)

29 But all these girls, everyone of them, when I see them on my new widescreen TV.......................they're fat!

Posted by: Kasper Hauser at February 28, 2007 06:10 PM (7Avsq)

30 "I am in a world of shit."

Posted by Britney Spears (: at February 28, 2007 09:40 PM

LMAO

Posted by: righteouschops at February 28, 2007 06:12 PM (J+cxI)

31 What? No Jessica Biel?!

They have to be nuts.
I'd hit Jessica Biel like Ike Turner took swings on nickle beer night.

Posted by: Rob B. at February 28, 2007 06:22 PM (xeWZm)

32 Barbara Bush! Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Not only hot, but she's the smart half of the Twins, probably not a drunk like her sister, and her family is loaded.

Posted by: otcconan at February 28, 2007 06:29 PM (SOraF)

Ray, I see all kinds of weird cellulite/creases on the sides of Lohan's boobs, big turn off. It's like she's a 20 year old with 60 year old boobs. I'll pass.

Posted by: otcconan at February 28, 2007 06:37 PM (SOraF)

34 yeah, and her knees look pretty sharp

Posted by: obviously i'm a 10 at February 28, 2007 06:46 PM (yHvEo)

Christ! Who created that list, Helen Keller? Andi Sullivan?

Princess Beatrix's picture stopped dead in my tracks, wondering why a picture of a guy made it into the the list. "Eyebrows! There should be two!".

Rod Stewart's daughter is even uglier than Alex made her out to be, and Britney's claim to a spot on the list was surely forfeit when it became clear what a misshapen noggin she has, and how much she really does rely on makeup artistry.

Out of 20, perhaps 6 worthies based on looks, and perhaps 3 when you weed out the nutcases.

Posted by: Patton at February 28, 2007 06:51 PM (KxnQ8)

36 Typical AOS posters' day........

porn,porn,porn,porn,porn. Ace posts something funny...
porn,porn porn, Ace posts something funny, porn porn......

passout, next day repeat.

Posted by: ulost at February 28, 2007 06:57 PM (1KWpc)

37 Typical AOS posters' day........

porn,porn,porn,porn,porn. Ace posts something funny...
porn,porn porn, Ace posts something funny, porn porn......

passout, next day repeat.

And the problem is?

Posted by: pajama momma at February 28, 2007 07:00 PM (Pzdiv)

38 I'm so out of touch with Hollywood, I couldn't even pick out Keira Knightly from a line-up.

I can't tell the difference between the Kates -- Winslet, and...um, the other ones.

Never seen Ocean's 11 or 12.

Pierce Brosnan is the new Bond? Means nothing to me. Never watched any of his Bond flicks.

The new "A List" of actors can blow me.

Posted by: Bart at February 28, 2007 07:16 PM (OmmBC)

39 Wicked, are you out there?

Does anyone remember the name of the website with our Congress teams?

Posted by: Bart at February 28, 2007 07:17 PM (OmmBC)

40 Y'all do I know I was on their short-list . . . 'till I had to go and get a boyfriend. . . . siiiiiigh

Posted by: ryan at February 28, 2007 07:39 PM (oektW)

41 Damn! Why did I marry a women who shoots better than I do?

Posted by: Scott Crawford at February 28, 2007 07:40 PM (Erboo)

42 Y'all do I know I was on their short-list . . . 'till I had to go and get a boyfriend. . . . siiiiiigh

Without ever having seen you, ryan, I would still place you above Britney. And the guy masquerading as a Princess. Hell, even if you were a multiple amputee with one eye and a sucking chest wound, you would be better looking than Keira.

Posted by: wiserbud at February 28, 2007 07:48 PM (56ssE)

43 Pinto, 20-1 would ya?

Y,N,Y,N,Y,Y,Y, 5-8 beers Y,N,Y,N,Y,N,Y,4 beers,Y,Y,Hell No,Y,N.

Posted by: mike at February 28, 2007 07:48 PM (/InkS)

44 I think Pinto might be taking a few days off.

Posted by: wiserbud at February 28, 2007 07:53 PM (56ssE)

45 pajama momma :

That was somewhat of a condensed version........

Typical AOS posters' day........

porn,porn,porn,(go to the bathroom)porn(watch Dr Phil;watch Oprah) ,porn. Ace posts something funny...
porn,(go to the bathroom) porn (drink beers) porn, Ace posts something funny, porn(do shots) porn......

passout, next day repeat.

And the problem is?

Posted by: ulost at February 28, 2007 07:57 PM (1KWpc)

46 Typical AOS posters' day........

No, that's the heavenly reward we get after slamming 72 trolls.

Posted by: geoff at February 28, 2007 08:00 PM (GJTEc)

47 Oh, come on, ulost, you give yourself too much credit.

You are far from the typical AoS commenter.

Posted by: wiserbud at February 28, 2007 08:02 PM (56ssE)

48
And the problem is?

If Ace posted porn, we'd only have to go to one site.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at February 28, 2007 08:02 PM (+7YmF)

49
And the problem is?

No wireless connectivity in the bathroom?

Posted by: wiserbud at February 28, 2007 08:16 PM (56ssE)

50 FWIW that's not a very good picture of Princess Beatrice. While I would never say she's HOT, she's actually fairly cute. And yes, I'd hit it.

Posted by: zetetic at February 28, 2007 08:20 PM (WCr1X)

51 I counted maybe 7 or 8 that could pass for attractive. Not hot, but just attractive.

At least there was a very nice picture included of Keeley Hazell. Too bad there was no link to her recent, ahem, acting performance, caught on film for easy download.

I'm just saying........

Posted by: Francase at February 28, 2007 08:42 PM (NixRe)

Typical AOS posters' day........
porn,porn,porn,(go to the bathroom)porn(watch Dr Phil;watch Oprah) ,porn. Ace posts something funny...
porn,(go to the bathroom) porn (drink beers) porn, Ace posts something funny, porn(do shots) porn......
passout, next day repeat.

You had me till you added Dr. Phil and Oprah, eeeeeesh.

Posted by: pajama momma at March 01, 2007 03:33 AM (Pzdiv)

53 Oh JesusHF'inChrist; my annoyance meter just went into overload; and I only got to chick #3!

Posted by: billygoat at March 01, 2007 09:22 AM (Gt0yw)

I'm pretty surprised the Olson twins aren't in there. They are far less skanky than the three skanks, they're richer than any of them and they don't have any worse body problems than Kira "Changi" Knightly.

I do think they should have used the pic of Scarlett Johansen from the Golden Globes last year. You know, showing her golden globes.

Posted by: Veeshir at March 01, 2007 11:43 AM (ThMnZ)

55 Damn- Kiera Knightly actually makes Kate Moss look 'thick' and Keely Hazell like... well.... Keely Hazell.

Posted by: Marty at March 01, 2007 11:48 AM (RziSc)

56 Have we really fallen so far as to accept some of these "women" as eligible?

My requirements for "eligibilty":

Never married
Never videotaped having sex
Never in rehab
Never bragged about getting tested for AIDS
Not related to famous musicians
Having EARNED income, not just because of famous name

Which leaves: Maria Sharapova, Barbara and Jenna Bush, at least from this list

Posted by: John F Not Kerry at March 01, 2007 12:34 PM (vXC45)

57 Oh, they are eligible alright.

Eligible for me to poop on!

Posted by: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at March 01, 2007 01:58 PM (56ssE)

58 I would have put Anne Hathaway on that list, she's such a classic beauty and seemed to be really a sweet kid. But she's turned into the A-List slut in movies lately, like she's afraid Princess Diaries prevented her from being taken seriously as an actress. So sad.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at March 01, 2007 04:18 PM (wmgz8)

All the women featured are too skinny. Except Keeley Hazell.

They. Can. Not. Touch. Her.

Posted by: Barry in CO at March 01, 2007 11:52 PM (KOkrW)

60 I bet if you paid them enough and put a camera on it they would.

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