Ace of Spades HQ

November 30, 2005

They All Look Tougher Than Hayden Christianson
— Ace

You know why those squirrels have turned to the Dark Side?

Global Warming, that's why.

Photo swiped from World of Wonder (so as not to leach their bandwidth). Check out their paean to Chuck Norris, with a link to the top thirty cool facts about the man I know as "Lone Wolf McQuaid." Here are a few:

*Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
* Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
* The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
* Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
* A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

And yes, I know that list is old, because there's already a lot of votes for the best of 'em.

Posted by: Ace at 09:31 PM | Comments (23)
Post contains 275 words, total size 2 kb.

1 "I want to be a Jedi like my Father, Rocket J Squirrel"

Posted by: jmon at November 30, 2005 11:18 PM (F0j2U)

2 I love humping squirrels

Posted by: marion rompler at November 30, 2005 11:54 PM (ywZa8)

3 squirrels : ) Made my morning.

Posted by: yls at December 01, 2005 03:16 AM (DaAnj)

4 Awwww..... I want one.

Posted by: Chad at December 01, 2005 04:15 AM (FuQ36)

5 I've seen his house in Dallas. It has an incredibly massive fence. I just thought, why do you need such protection? You're Chuck freakin' Norris!

Posted by: Sarah at December 01, 2005 04:58 AM (0M6oQ)

6 You know the first thing I thought when this page loaded? Moveon's been hitting the photoshop again.

Posted by: Karl Maher at December 01, 2005 05:12 AM (SxR3N)

7 I can't believe you left this one out:

"One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. "

Posted by: Joel V at December 01, 2005 05:14 AM (7Nv7w)

8 My favorite:

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Posted by: brak at December 01, 2005 06:02 AM (yHvEo)

9 That is one of the funniest lists I've ever seen!

Posted by: Matthew O. at December 01, 2005 08:30 AM (QL7xc)

10 And the pigeons have blasters and so do the sparrows they have ambused the starlings

Posted by: spurwing plover at December 01, 2005 11:44 AM (b1Fi6)

11 Impressive.

Most impressive.

My young nutgatherer, you have learned well.

Posted by: lawhawk at December 01, 2005 04:11 PM (PXAIU)

12 opasassss

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