March 30, 2005
— Ace
Don't ask how. I've got my sources.
Go here for the background; or just download the must-listen tapes from here. WARNING: Not safe for work, and not safe for home, either, in at least 12 states (consult your local statutes if you're unsure).
Veru Strong Profanity/Sexual Content Warning For Rest of Post. You know the sort of things this guy says.
PS! AllahPundit Update Added Below, Too!
Mr. Theodore Couchlin
CEO, Red Lobster Restaurants
1165 University Boulevard
Towsend, Maryland 32150
Dear Mr. Couchlin,
I am writing to complain about a recent experience I had in one of your franchised restaurants, this one located in Tinton Falls, New Jersey.
I had planned on having the Fisherman's Feast platter and sharing it with my girlfriend Betsy, because neither of us were very hungry, but we both were in the mood for popcorn shrimp. The waitress told us there would be a $2.00 plate-sharing charge, which I believe to be perfectly reasonable.
However, when the bill came, the additional charge was $4.00-- the waitress had neglected to inform us that the charge was $2.00 per person, which I consider highly misleading.
Well, as you can imagine, a rather heated row soon broke out, and I told this particular waitress -- Janyce, with a "y," I believe, but please consult your personnel records -- that I would certainly not be paying an additional $4.00 just for a single extra plate.
She explained that this was simply "restaurant policy," and I then explained to her, as patiently as I could, that I wanted her to suck my cock, maybe eat my balls a little, I don't know, eat come off her face, that I wanted to fuck her soooo bad, that I wanted to just go crazy with her and get fuckin' nuts, but that she would have to eat out my girlfriend Betsy as well. Betsy's so jealous.
At this point, Janyce refused to discuss the matter of the bill with me any further, telling me she had already run the sum through the credit-card machine, and told me to "take it up with corporate." It goes without saying that my dining experience was completely ruined, and furthermore, I was also plenty steamed because I really wanted to lick Janyce's ass.
I trust you will give this matter the prompt attention it deserves. I would like a refund of $2.00 + tax (if applicable).
I am also still interested in eating Janyce's ass. As a matter of fact, if you could arrange that, we can forget the whole business of this $2.00 overcharge.
I Don't Know Why I'm Like This,
Pat O' Brien
........................................
...from the desk of Patrick O'Brien...
Ms. Penelope Beauchamps
Customer Service Representative
GEICO Insurance Company
2625B Jacaranda Avenue
La Jolla, California 90354
Dear Ms. (Miss....?) Beauchamps,
As you requested, I am continuing to seek auto insurance quote information through a formal letter rather than through the phone.
As we discussed, I am primarily interested in a quote for three (3) vehicles:
(a) a 2005 GMC Jeep Cherokee;
(b) a 2004 BMWi; and
(c) my girlfriend Betsy's 2002 BMW Z4.
For each of these vehicles, I am interested in full comprehensive collision insurance as well as $100,000 in additional coverage.
Furthermore, as I attempted to explain before your schedule required that you begin dealing with another customer, I am also very interested in:
(a) eating your pussy;
(b) having you come soooo much;
(c) sucking your tits;
(d) getting crazy with you;
(e) having you eat out my girlfriend Betsy; while
(f) I watch you guys eat each other; and
(g) while I lick your ass.
I want you badly and I know you want me, but you have to pay attention to Betsy too.
Please contact with me at your earliest possible convenience with the relevant quotes. Also, with regard to the latter items, let me know about the feasibility of all acts mentioned, esp. with regard for (e), (f), and (g) (the one about eating your ass).
Let's have some fun. Let's have sex. Let's do it.
I'm So Fuckin' Into You,
Pat O'Brien
...........................................
Representative Gerold Nadler
Gerold Nadler For Congress
256 West 83rd Street
New York, NY 10023
Dear Representative Nadler,
It was such a joy for me and my girlfriend Betsy to meet you at the February 8th "Rock the House" Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee fundraiser.
You're so fucking hot. You're sooooo fuckin' hot.
Representative Nadler -- or can I call you Jerry? I like the sound of Jerry; it makes me hot -- please find enclosed a personal check for $2000 (two thousand dollars). I hope this small contribution enables you and Representatives Pelosi, Frank, Waters, and all the rest to take back control of the House from the Republicans.
You are so fuckin' hot, and I wanna eat you, and I want you to suck my cock, and I want to fuck you, and I want my girlfriend Betsy to eat you too.
As I attempted to explain to you before your security detail so rudely escorted me from the event, I have a long history of interest in Democratic politics. I am chagrined to see our environment further despoiled under the Bush Administration, and quite angry that tax breaks are given to wealthy corporations while public schools don't have enough money to purchase books.
I want to suck your tits -- you have really nice tits, Jerrula -- talk dirty to you, watch you and Betsy eat each other, suck my cock.... Get another woman up, hire a hooker, let's get craaazy... maybe get some coke.
I do understand, however, that money is not the only resource needed to win back the House. It would also help to have high-profile figures -- such as myself -- speak out on behalf of local Californian Democrats and in favor of Democratic policies generally. To that end, I humbly offer my services.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't do this. But I fuckin' just want to make you crazy. Make. You. Fuckin'. Crazy.
I believe that a victory in 2006 would set the stage for a Democratic triumph in the 2008 presidential campaign; as you well know, nothing succeeds like success. It is perhaps too early to begin speculating about possible candidates in 2008, but as you probably know, I am a big supporter of Hillary Clinton. I think she's the total package-- charismatic, whip-smart, principled, dedicated.
I'd like to have you and Hillary up in my apartment, licking my balls, maybe eating out Betsy too. But you'll have to make Betsy think she's into her; I told her that you were into her.
I want us all to take a dump in a punch-bowl and play Dirty Goldfish. You ever play Dirty Goldfish, Jerribell? I'll be you have, you little minx. That's so fuckin' hot.
We can have any of these hookers, too.
Let's do it. Let's win back the House. Let's protect the environment and a woman's right to choose. And let's just fuckin' have sex, fun, drugs, and fuck and eat.
I Don't Do This For a Living,
(signed) Pat O'Brien
Pat O' Brien
PS: Please leave me a voicemail. Please go into the bathroom and leave me a voicemail. Or just look at me and wink or say "Yes" or something.
PPS: I am signing this letter with a Montblanc duct-taped to my cock.
Update: It's a Wonderful Threesome With Hookers and Coke: Allah rewrites It's a Wonderful Life in that patented Pat O'Brien style:
SAM WAINWRIGHT (phone): Now, here's the point. Mary, Mary, you're in on this too. Now listen. Have you got any money?GEORGE BAILEY: Money? Yeah . . . well, a little.
SAM: Well, now listen. I want you to put every cent you've got into our stock, you hear? And George, I may have a job for you; that is, unless you're still married to that broken-down Building and Loan. This is the biggest thing since radio, and I'm letting you in on the ground floor. Oh, Mary . . . Mary . . .
MARY HATCH (nervously): I'm here.
SAM: You are so fuckin' hot. I just want to go crazy on you. I want you to suck my cock, maybe eat my balls a little. I just want to get fuckin' nuts. Would you tell that guy I just want to get fuckin' nuts? Fuckin' nuts.
MARY (whispering): He says he wants to get fuckin' nuts...
GEORGE (fiercely): Now you listen to me! I don't want to get fuckin' nuts! I don't want eat cum off anyone's face and I don't want go crazy ever on anyone! You understand that? I want to do what I want to do. And you're . . . and you're . . . (embracing her) you are so fuckin' hot.
Nine marks out of ten... one mark deducted for not having the balls to bring Zu-Zu Petals into it, like I know you wanted to before you pussied out.
AllahPundit Photoshops Again! A companion piece to his sketch above.
Posted by: Ace at
09:06 PM
| Comments (26)
Post contains 1533 words, total size 9 kb.
Posted by: Alex_fs at March 30, 2005 10:42 PM (PpBGs)
__
Mr. O’Brien graduated from the University of South Dakota. He also studied International Economics at the Paul H. Nitze School of Advanced International Studies at John Hopkins University in Baltimore, MD; and currently sits on the Board of the Special Olympics.
__
The Paul H. Farkin' Nitze School of Advanced International Studies? I was not expecting to learn that about Pat O'Brien. I don't look at the little moustache and eager face and fake-bake skin and think Graduate Work in International Economics at Hopkins. Kennedy School, maybe, yeah, OK.
I guess the dude just looked at his future and realized that in twenty five years, he could be overseeing Paraguay's debt restructuring, or he could be licking Nancy O'Dell's face and heading merrily off to rehab. Tragic. Well, if Wolfowitz doesn't work out for the World Bank, we can always get Pat O'Brien out of Betty Ford:
Mister Chancellor, I am so into you. I just want to go crazy with you next week in Tashkent. If you want to do this, accept a crisis bailout with governance controls, just look up and say YES! Condi's not really into you now, so you'll have to pay special attention to her...
Posted by: See-Dubya at March 30, 2005 11:22 PM (PUZhO)
__
A source tells us he used to refer to a gay African-American senior producer at "Access Hollywood" as "the Fruit Monkey."
To his face.
__
And then there's this amazing blog:
I'm Stuck In Rehab With Pat O'Brien
I highly recommend it.
Good night.
Posted by: See-Dub at March 30, 2005 11:38 PM (PUZhO)
Posted by: Pigilito at March 30, 2005 11:44 PM (sk688)
Or at least one-third of it. The rest is just ace - and that's saying a lot.
Posted by: The Black Republican at March 31, 2005 02:47 AM (9VCzx)
You owe me five dollars for the keyboard I just ruined with my coffee. How do you expect me to get any work done now? Huh? Answer me!
Posted by: J at March 31, 2005 03:04 AM (9wqy9)
I'd rather eulogize the Gipper and curse out a low down scumbag lawyer who helped to create "the race card" than read stupid dirty talk.
Loose sit ACE, tighten it up.
Posted by: 72VIRGINS at March 31, 2005 03:50 AM (dhRpo)
Don't you DARE tell Ace to clean up his act. Remember what happened last time??
It was all Pat Boone up in here. Nobody wants that.
Posted by: lauraw at March 31, 2005 04:20 AM (9Kr+8)
Posted by: David Gillies at March 31, 2005 05:15 AM (E/mqU)
C'mon, baby, don't be such a square, man.
And I don't like doing those anniversary type obligatory posts. A lot of things the media does -- observing anniversaries-- they do to basically fill column-inches or segments between commericals. That's fine; they have to do that. I don't.
'Sides, there are enough people doing that, I'm guessing, that it's "covered," and one additional post on it wouldn't help.
OTOH, no one else has Pat O'Brien's personal letters.
Posted by: ace at March 31, 2005 05:58 AM (Q6+G6)
1) Dusty;
2) Bob Dole's Cock;
3) The fat guy in the ditech.com commercials; and,
4) Lauri Dhue
I understand that the one to Lauri Dhue is especially zesty.
Posted by: KCTrio at March 31, 2005 06:43 AM (hT8GB)
I just couldn't read any further after I got to "Can I call you Jerry?"
Oh dear Lord, I think I'm gonna hurl.
Posted by: hobgoblin at March 31, 2005 07:23 AM (2da3S)
I still don't think it's as good as Red Lobster, but substituting Gerald Nadler for the original recipient -- Maxine Waters -- seems to have helped escalate the riff.
Posted by: ace at March 31, 2005 07:25 AM (Q6+G6)
GEORGE BAILEY: Money? Yeah . . . well, a little.
SAM: Well, now listen. I want you to put every cent you've got into our stock, you hear? And George, I may have a job for you; that is, unless you're still married to that broken-down Building and Loan. This is the biggest thing since radio, and I'm letting you in on the ground floor. Oh, Mary . . . Mary . . .
MARY HATCH (nervously): I'm here.
SAM: You are so fuckin' hot. I just want to go crazy on you. I want you to suck my cock, maybe eat my balls a little. I just want to get fuckin' nuts. Would you tell that guy I just want to get fuckin' nuts? Fuckin' nuts.
MARY (whispering): He says he wants to get fuckin' nuts...
GEORGE (fiercely): Now you listen to me! I don't want to get fuckin' nuts! I don't want eat cum off anyone's face and I don't want go crazy –– ever –– on anyone! You understand that? I want to do what I want to do. And you're . . . and you're . . . (embracing her) you are so fuckin' hot.
Posted by: Allah at March 31, 2005 07:26 AM (Hp/f6)
"the Fruit Monkey."
oh, that's comedy gold too, man. LMAO.
PS is it OK to laugh at someone else's crude racism? Cuz "the Fruit Monkey" is really funny to me. The sheer inappropriateness is probable why it's funny, but I am laughing right now just thinking of what a collosal dick POB must be to actually do something like that---in public no less.
What is it that "celebrity" does to people?
Posted by: hobgoblin at March 31, 2005 07:27 AM (2da3S)
I need something to take my mind off the other news today. I don't feel like arguing more Schiavo stuff.
Posted by: See-Dubya at March 31, 2005 07:37 AM (PUZhO)
Mary is standing near the fireplace looking as pretty as any bride ever looked. She is smiling at George, who has been slowly taking in the whole set-up.
Through a door he sees the end of a cheap bed, over the back of which is a pair of pajamas and a nightie. Ernie exits and closes the door.
MARY (tears in her eyes): Welcome home, Mr. Bailey.
GEORGE (overcome): I'm so fuckin' into you. I don't even know why I'm like this.
They rush into each other's arms and hold each other in ecstasy.
Bert and Ernie, standing in the pouring rain, start singing.
BERT & ERNIE: I want to go craaaa-zy, craaaa-zy on you......
GEORGE: Oh, Mary . . .
MARY: Remember the night we broke the windows in this old house? This is what I wished for. I wished we could get fuckin' nuts.
GEORGE: Let's have some sex. Let's do it.
Posted by: Allah at March 31, 2005 07:48 AM (Hp/f6)
Posted by: lauraw at March 31, 2005 08:05 AM (RldyP)
"Let's have sex" is pretty fuckin' weak dirty-talk. It sort of sounds worse, in a clinical and thoughtless way, than all the stuff about sucking cock.
Posted by: ace at March 31, 2005 08:38 AM (Q6+G6)
George, his hair rumpled, is feverishly pursuing the search. Uncle Billy is seated behind the desk, his head on his hands.
GEORGE: And did you put the envelope in your pocket?
UNCLE BILLY: Yeah . . maybe . . . I thought . . .
GEORGE (shouts): You thought, you thought. You thought eight things tonight.
UNCLE BILLY (piteously): I'm no good to you, George. I . . .
GEORGE: Let me ask you something. Do you like your job, Uncle Billy? Well, do you?
Uncle Billy whimpers.
GEORGE: Listen to me. Do you have any secret hiding place here in the house? Someplace you could have put it? Someplace to hide the money? Put me some fucking knowledge.
UNCLE BILLY (exhausted): I've been over the whole house, even in rooms that have been locked ever since I lost Laura.
GEORGE: There is a lot of loose shit going on around here, Uncle Billy. I don't get it. I don't get it.
Uncle Billy starts sobbing hysterically. George grabs him by the lapels and shakes him.
GEORGE (harshly): What's it gonna be, Uncle Billy? Who were you watching?
UNCLE BILLY (sobbing): I can't think any more, George.
GEORGE: Do you want me to get Vinny Falcone in here to sit and ride your ass?
UNCLE BILLY: I can't think any more. It hurts . . .
George jerks him to his feet and shakes him. Uncle Billy stands before him like a frisked criminal, all his pockets hanging out, empty. George's eyes and manner are almost maniacal.
GEORGE (screaming at him): Don't make a fucking maniac out of me! We're not going to be as strong as our weakest link. This is like football, baseball, like anything else. Now where's that money, you stupid, silly old fool? Where's the money? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal, and prison! That's how fucking crucial this is.
He throws Uncle Billy down into his chair, and still shouts at him:
GEORGE (cont'd): That's what it means! One of us is going to jail! Well, it's not going to be me. I'm the only important one at this building and loan. That's just the fucking way it is around here.
George turns and heads for the door, kicking viciously at a waste basket on the floor as he goes. Uncle Billy remains sobbing at the table, his head in his arms.
GEORGE: Where's Zuzu?
Posted by: Allah at March 31, 2005 08:44 AM (Hp/f6)
Now, when I'm spending quiet nights at home crying myself to sleep while "contemplating" the virtues of Donna Reed's sexy ass vacuuming in pearls demeanor, I'm gonna end up thinking about Pat O'Brien too.
And I'm just not that into him. But Donna Reed? Yeah..I'd go crazy on her.
Posted by: Jack M. at March 31, 2005 09:03 AM (6krEN)
72Virgins,
C'mon, baby, don't be such a square, man.
Given my history, the image of being a square is quite novel, I find it highly amusing and will propbaly never tire of it.
I know what you mean about the obligatory eulogizing, but what better place to worship and adore the Ronaldus Mangus, the most important leader of the last 1,000 years, or get to call Johnny Cochoran a dirty, low down, cocksucking, mutha' fucking, butt licking, race card playing, gobsmackingly vile scumbag who did great damage to our country and just didn't give a shit?
But like Judge "Turn 'em Loose Bruce" Johnny now faces a very different kind of justice than that he meted out to Nichole Simpson and her boyfriend and he shall not escape the Wrath of God. Selah
There, I said it. Now I feel better.
Posted by: 72VIRGINS at March 31, 2005 09:30 AM (dhRpo)
See-Dubya's comment about Pat O'Brien at SAIS was also friggin' great. I studied at SAIS, and Jesus God am I ever having fits imaging the Pat O'Brien "theory of international relation." Good stuff, all.
Posted by: Jeff B. at March 31, 2005 09:31 AM (shM5P)
As for Reagan-- man, I love Reagan, but I don't do haigiography. I do insults.
Posted by: ace at March 31, 2005 09:41 AM (Q6+G6)
I never said good riddance to Johnny Cochran, but I am not alone in saying that I shall not miss him.
Posted by: 72VIRGINS at March 31, 2005 12:11 PM (dhRpo)
Posted by: PlacidPundit at March 31, 2005 06:30 PM (CBDWx)
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