Ace of Spades HQ

December 31, 2006

Predictions For 2007
— AndrewR

National Review's got 'em. Dave at Garfield Ridge's got 'em. And now so do I.

In no particular order:

The release of Spiderman 3 is beset by controversy when Sam Raimi includes a scene in which a fight between Spiderman and Hobgoblin devolves from punches, to shoves, and finally ends with five minutes of slow, deep kissing.

Buoyed by the success of his reality-denying Holocaust Conference, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad lays plans for his Timothy Dalton is the Definitive James Bond conference.

Mitt Romneys hopes for a run at the presidency are crushed when reporters reveal that, in addition to being a Mormon, he is also a centaur.

In response to falling ratings for the yearly Oscar telecast, the Academy decides to award adult films for the first time. Viewers tune in in record numbers to see who wins the trophies for categories like Best Use of a Ball Gag in a Gay DOM/SUB Film and Most Convincing Portrayal of a Cheerleaders Trip to the Equipment Room.

Sean Hannitys on-air domination of Alan Colmes continues with a new nightly segment entitled Make Me a Sandwich, Alan.

Proving that hes still his own worst enemy, John Kerry attends a Halloween party dressed as a blackface minstrel and is caught on camera singing the racist folksong Possum Up A Gum Tree. He later explains the incident by saying that such stereotypes are often revered folk heroes for many in the African-American community, and I was merely paying tribute to that. He then adds, And Mel Gibson was right about the Jews. Jane Hamsher immediately rushes to explain that the costume and quotes need to be taken in context.

On Christmas Eve, Dick Cheney is visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Before they can teach him any valuable moral lessons, however, he bums a twenty from them, snorts a line of blow, and sends the Ghost of Christmas Past back out to procure an underage Ukrainian prostitute and a pack of smokes for him. The other two are forced to stay and service his wife while he watches. It is generally agreed by all involved that this is the Best Christmas Ever.

Happy New Year, morons.

Posted by: AndrewR at 05:30 AM | Comments (80)
Post contains 373 words, total size 2 kb.

1 John Kerry got invited to a party?

Prediction for 2007:

An important event will happen somewhere in the world and it will be on the news.

Call me stubborn, but I'm sticking with this one.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2006 05:38 AM (FWrFx)

2 I'm going to go out on a limb and predict a whole lot of muslim terrorism.

Posted by: Village Idiot at December 31, 2006 05:57 AM (zoBWw)

"...predict a whole lot of muslim terrorism."

Bold.

Posted by: cranky at December 31, 2006 06:15 AM (Xj2Ev)

4 Profound.

Posted by: USCitizen at December 31, 2006 06:16 AM (1MjPi)

5 I predict that the mainstream media will continue their relentless, hard-hitting coverage of global warming by showing us every storm-downed tree or damaged lawn furniture they can find.

Posted by: Mrs L at December 31, 2006 06:25 AM (ejWou)

6 Daily Kos comes out and about an affair with Plame and Cloonie after their dinner. Joe admits admits he knows the sperm was adopted from' pals' at Bethesda.

Posted by: Stagchili at December 31, 2006 06:29 AM (fVMZm)

7 Chris Matthews and John Edwards will come out and retire to Key West to open a hair salon.

Posted by: mark c. at December 31, 2006 06:42 AM (hew5Z)

8 I predict the Ace of Spades TailgatePools board will be Mob - dominated.

Posted by: USCitizen at December 31, 2006 06:50 AM (1MjPi)

9 The Mars rovers will discover the ruins of an ancient civilization.

Millions of Space geeks all over the World orgasm to death.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2006 06:52 AM (FWrFx)

In 2007, there will be a flood somewhere.

Maybe two.

And at least one earthquake.

Again, maybe two of them as well.

No guts, no glory.

Posted by: EricH at December 31, 2006 06:53 AM (zauWt)

11 Mike Nifong will be told that he has a pretty mouth.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2006 06:56 AM (FWrFx)

12 The Midwest won't vote for a centaur. Romney's toast.

Posted by: Ray Midge at December 31, 2006 07:03 AM (rH3Ei)

13 my prediction: saddam's body will be stolen, secreted to ireland where scientists will use his dna to create a clone who will be made a ward of the roman catholic church whose goal will be to breed the ultimate warrior against islam. pope benedict will personally take the boy under his tutelage.

Posted by: ben at December 31, 2006 07:08 AM (qCROK)

14 Wow, that was a surprise. Thanks for the link!

Happy New Year, Ace.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at December 31, 2006 07:18 AM (kc9zT)

15 I want to be Dick Cheney in my next life.

Hell, I want to be Cheney in this life.

Posted by: Bitter Pill at December 31, 2006 07:35 AM (86S3r)

16 I predict that a skanky celebrity will show off her crotch to photographers. By accident, of course.

Posted by: Trimegistus at December 31, 2006 07:36 AM (5RZqg)

17 I predict that a skanky celebrity will show off her crotch to photographers. By accident, of course.

Right, like that's gonna happen.

Try to make sensible predictions, Mr. Nostradamus. Don't ruin the thread with these off-the-wall stuff.

Posted by: EricH at December 31, 2006 07:58 AM (zauWt)

18 Scientists will prove that for the last 4.56 billion years the Earth has been turning the wrong way.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2006 07:59 AM (FWrFx)

19 --Iran will give up it's quest for Nukes.
--Osama will renounce terrorism.
--Ted Kennedy will stop drinking.
--Michael Moore will lose weight.
--Al Gore will recheck the numbers and conclude that the global warming thing was just a miscalculation.
--Nancy Pelosi keeps her promise of ethical governance.
--China will accept that Taiwan is an independent nation.
--Rosie O'Donnel will shut up.
--Keith Olbermann sees his mistakes and strives for unbiased punditry.
--NYT stock rises as it gets a wider readership due to reporting straight, agenda-free news.
--Some wall street trader comes up with a new trading strategy. Everyday he asks Tushar about his stock picks, and does the reverse. The trader gets a $100 million bonus. Tushar gets a made in China watch and a certificate of appreciation.

Posted by: Tushar D at December 31, 2006 08:13 AM (9ULFg)

20 I predict that Rosie O'Donnell will show her crotch to the blind shiek, who in turn, will promptly die. Film at eleven.

Posted by: otis at December 31, 2006 08:24 AM (CJ5+Y)

21 Up to this point, I had gone my entire life without ever thinking about Rosie O'Donnell's crotch.

Thanks a lot, fucker.

Posted by: Phinn at December 31, 2006 08:32 AM (sapeO)

22 Dennis Kucinich will declare himself to be the Antichrist, and becomes the front-runner for the Democratic nomination.

Posted by: Paleface at December 31, 2006 08:54 AM (3R1JF)

The MSM will continue their "educational" count of dead US servicemen & women, but continue to refuse to publish the ## of dead insurgents, civilians, terrorists or forign fighters. It might incite them!

Just a hunch.

Happy New Year Y'all!

Got the Valu-Rite Sparkly Wine in the fridge yet?

Posted by: 5Cats at December 31, 2006 08:55 AM (cVijR)

24 Al Gore will prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, guns are the root-cause of Global Warming, and declare: "THAT debate is closed."

Posted by: franksalterego at December 31, 2006 09:03 AM (AQrPg)

25 Apple will introduce mini-iPodmini. This technological wonder inserts directly into the front cortex of the brain through the nasal cavity. It holds 245 million songs, or one Joe Biden speech.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2006 09:05 AM (FWrFx)

26 Laura Bush will start a bar fight on Air Force One.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2006 09:13 AM (FWrFx)

27 Crop dusters charged with bacon fat will prove quite effective in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2006 09:16 AM (FWrFx)

28 I like that last one.

Posted by: Andrew at December 31, 2006 09:17 AM (AVrGW)

29 The Laura Bush one, that is.

Posted by: Andrew at December 31, 2006 09:17 AM (AVrGW)

30 Rosie O'Donnell's crotch will seek the 2008 Democrat nomination. Its strong showing in early polls will stun DC insiders, but a disasterous appearance on Meet the Press will sent it packing.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2006 09:23 AM (FWrFx)

31 Ramsey Clark will be named Defense Attorney of the Decade.

Posted by: frnnksalterego at December 31, 2006 09:33 AM (AQrPg)

32 Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton"s crotch is recuperating after its penile implant. Rumor has it that Hillary will wed Rosie and both will run as copresident on the democratic ticket. I, however, predict a strong challenge From Cindy Shehan"s crotch.

Posted by: otis at December 31, 2006 09:44 AM (CJ5+Y)

33 Cincinnati will make the playoffs and win the Superbowl. New Orleans is gonna be their bitch.

In a fit of pique (which means size 38 short), NO mayor Ray Nagin will drive a school bus down the Davison freeway against traffic, throwing Hershey bars out the window to bewildered onlookers.

Posted by: Jeanne Dixon at December 31, 2006 09:44 AM (hNyWr)

34 A star will sink in the NFC east,
the Lion from Romo
His teeth will loosen and fall
his kung fu is weak

Posted by: Nostradamus at December 31, 2006 09:47 AM (hNyWr)

In March, 2007, the US Terror Alert level will reach SEVERE when John Edwards is caught smuggling 7 cans of hairspray, and 4 cans of mousse onto an airplane.

The 3 compacts will not be deemed a problem, however.

Posted by: The Deb at December 31, 2006 10:17 AM (5yDl8)

36 The MSM will help in subtly reframing AlGore's message, as the evidence mounts that Denver is gonna remain totally snowbound all next year:

January - global warming is Bush's fault
April - global carming is Bush's fault
August - global corming is Bush's fault
October- global cooming is Bush's fault
December - global cooling is Bush's fault

Posted by: sherlock at December 31, 2006 10:26 AM (vJAe5)

37 Dan Snyder and the Washington Redskins will somehow escape the salary cap, spend $1 billion dollars and sign every player in the NFL.

And then proceed to finish 6-10.

Joe Gibbs will praise the hardwork of his players and claim that he's never been prouder of the effort of his team.

Okay, so this belongs on a football blog, shoot me.

In fact, shoot me twice; I still root for this mess of a franchise.

Posted by: EricH at December 31, 2006 10:37 AM (zauWt)

I predict that the AP will quit trying to sabotage the US military, starting right now.

Too late. God, I hate this gig sometimes...

BC-APNewsAlert,0029
   BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) -- At least 3,000 U.S. military personnel have
died in Iraq since American forces invaded in 2003.
   (Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)
   APNP-12-31-06 1332CST

Posted by: tmi3rd at December 31, 2006 10:40 AM (mt7GK)

39 The Euro will become the hottest currency after the Saudis fully divest their dollars in 2007. Capital will flee to India, where Bill Gates will finally come into his ascendancy as the King of the World.

China will protest India's cache in the global market and will refuse to supply WalMart with cheap electronics, thus assuring that no more aspiring Britney Spears' wannabes will be able to purchase expensive iPod sleeves at trailer-park prices.

Mexico will become the new China, and along with exporting cheap electronics, it will export more lawn rangers to the U.S. in an attempt to help the Patels clean up their yards.

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 31, 2006 10:47 AM (8F+iI)

40 A banana suspended from the Senate ceiling will stump a troop of Senators for three weeks until one of them arranges a set of blocks to form a staircase beneath the tasty treat.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2006 10:48 AM (FWrFx)

41 Hillary Clinton will seek to dispel the rumor that she is straight by cruising a multi-colored "Gay Talk Express" bus throughout America, and choosing a strap-on as her running mate.

Posted by: Paleface at December 31, 2006 10:51 AM (3R1JF)

42 The Columbus Blue Jackets will fail to make the playoffs for the very last time. In keeping with Ohio tradition, Nationwide Arena will be reduced to smoldering rubble by a mob of angry fans.

Posted by: ErikW at December 31, 2006 10:56 AM (8q5Ai)

43 Pelosi will carry out her promised ethical reforms.

Robert Byrd will carry out his promise to stop earmarks.

George W. Bush will actually do something about about Iranian and NorK nuclear weapons.

The AP will issue a press release, aplogizing for skanking up the news.

The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.

Posted by: Brown Line at December 31, 2006 10:57 AM (j1up9)

44 Willie Nelson will stop smoking weed, come to his senses and beat Dennis Kucinich's ass "for being the little punk bitch that is."

Posted by: ErikW at December 31, 2006 11:07 AM (cHHMb)

45 The Columbus Blue Jackets will fail

A hockey prediction? A f'ing hockey prediction?

And not the f'ing Montreal Canadiens, mind you. But the f'ing Columbus Blue Jackets?

The Irqais hanged the wrong sunavabitch if you ask me.

Hockey predictions?

Posted by: GordieHowe'sAFag at December 31, 2006 11:10 AM (zauWt)

46 I smell trouble.

Posted by: Nostrildamus at December 31, 2006 11:13 AM (hNyWr)

47 Note to self: Ixnay on the ockeyhay alktay.

Posted by: ErikW at December 31, 2006 11:55 AM (Jf5b4)

48 Fuck that, ErikW.
Drop the gloves and kick that bitch's ass.
Sharks will win the Cup, after trading Nabokov and picking up some veteran d-men.
Hockey is the only true sport left.

And horse racing.

Posted by: Uncle Jefe at December 31, 2006 12:02 PM (v8AIE)

49 Happy New Year Ace, and fellow morons.

Predictions:

1. Iran will start a new war via hezbollah around March.
2. Hillary will be the front-runner Democrat, Obama will be her running mate.
3. Hamas will win the new Palestinian election, war with Israel will follow.
4. The Sunnis in Iraq will continue to be ethnically cleansed, the Shiites will become allied with Iran and ask us to leave. We will.
5. Al Qaida will commit major acts of terrorism in Europe.
6. China will take Taiwan.
7. Bush will be blamed for everything under the sun.

Posted by: BattleofthePyramids at December 31, 2006 12:03 PM (wsFK6)

50 Chris Matthews will perform fellatio on Barak Obama live on Hardball. But he will not swallow, choosing instead to take the sacred one's cumshot on his face, so he can then lovingly smear it into his skin and hair, while moaning like a porn actress. He will then refuse to shower until Obama is elected President.

Posted by: wiserbud at December 31, 2006 12:11 PM (AQGeh)

51 Although all of BattleofthePyramids' predictions sound reasonable, #7 is a lock.
For the next 25 years.

Posted by: Uncle Jefe at December 31, 2006 12:12 PM (v8AIE)

52 Kofi Annan will move to Israel and convert to Judaism. As a sign of his sincerity in this conversion, he will donate all the money he made from Oil for Food to the families of Israelis killed by suicide bombers. He will also publicly sacrifice his son Kojo.
Drawing inspiration from this, John Kerry will switch over to the Republican Party, and run for President under the slogan 'US out of UN, UN out of US'.
He will also spit whenever he says the word 'France'.

Posted by: Uncle Jefe at December 31, 2006 12:19 PM (v8AIE)

53 Dallas will not make it to the Superbowl.

I know I'm going out on a limb on this one.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at December 31, 2006 12:28 PM (hNyWr)

54 A Hannity and Colmes sandwich? I would love to be the meat in that!

Posted by: Clay Aiken at December 31, 2006 12:32 PM (7Q1rc)

55 I predict that Rosie O'Donnell will show her crotch to the blind shiek, who in turn, will promptly die.

Iiiieeee. Most blind men would be glad to see almost anything, but that's one of the exceptions.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at December 31, 2006 12:36 PM (GlKkD)

56 Hockey predictions...

The Northworst division in the Western Conference will abdicate its division winner, because they all suck... Anaheim and Nashville in the Western finals; Atlanta (!) and Buffalo in the East.

Football...

Baltimore- San Diego in the AFC Championship
New Orleans-Chicago in the NFC Championship (although it wouldn't surprise me to see Philly in there)

Basketball...

Wake me when it's over

tmi3rd

Posted by: tmi3rd at December 31, 2006 12:43 PM (bNOlH)

57 Prediction duly noted, Uncle Jefe. I'll be watching the Sharks. I will tell you this, if the Jackets don't make the playoffs, Doug McLean will be shown the door. I've never liked the sumbitch anyway.

Posted by: ErikW at December 31, 2006 12:50 PM (cHHMb)

The Dallas Cowboys will lose at home to the Detroit Lions who haven't won a road game since...last year?

Posted by: cranky at December 31, 2006 12:52 PM (Xj2Ev)

59 Quebec will finally secede from Canada and the rest of the provinces will join the United States. Shortly thereafter, the new Unted States will bomb Quebec into oblivion, just for shits and giggles.

Posted by: ErikW at December 31, 2006 12:58 PM (TH+Gq)

60 Why is everybody picking on Rosie's vagina? You guys just want to fuck her!
I predict I'll get a job working for John Edwards' campaign and finally realize one of my more recurrent fantasies. I'm just going to have to figure a way to get that dried-up fatass of a wife Elizabeth out of the way.
Why would Edwards stay with her when he could be tapping this?
Here's a toast to 2007, the year of the dashing gay homewrecker!

Posted by: ryan at December 31, 2006 01:00 PM (qyTXI)

61 "Why is everybody picking on Rosie's vagina?"

How disgusting!

Posted by: Thumb and Fingers at December 31, 2006 01:10 PM (mkVDq)

62 I predict that this thread will cause an increase in alcoholism as the readers attempt to remove certain images from their minds.

Posted by: Mrs L at December 31, 2006 01:16 PM (+ozdw)

63 Uh, ryan I am wishing you success in your quest. Send pictures.

Posted by: cranky at December 31, 2006 01:24 PM (Xj2Ev)

64 Hillary! will run on the slogan "You ain't seen nothing yet".

Not even Democrats will be able to choke that down. She will come in 4th in New Hampshire, and withdraw (in her words) "to spend more time with my family. Um, I mean to devote more time to being a Senator for the people of New York. Oh screw it, I'm out of here."

"You won't have Hillary to kick around any more."

Posted by: JayC at December 31, 2006 01:24 PM (G7SJG)

65 As for football:

Whoever wins the NFC will lose the Super Bowl.

44-10.

Regardless of who they play.

Posted by: JayC at December 31, 2006 01:27 PM (G7SJG)

66 Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton"s crotch is recuperating after its penile implant. Rumor has it that Hillary will wed Rosie and both will run as copresident on the democratic ticket. I, however, predict a strong challenge From Cindy Shehan"s crotch.

Damn you, sir. Damn you straight to hell.

Posted by: Phinn at December 31, 2006 02:15 PM (sapeO)

67 Chris Matthews will perform fellatio on Barak Obama live on Hardball. But he will not swallow, choosing instead to take the sacred one's cumshot on his face, so he can then lovingly smear it into his skin and hair, while moaning like a porn actress. He will then refuse to shower until Obama is elected President.

God damn, that's some funny shit.

Posted by: Phinn at December 31, 2006 02:17 PM (sapeO)

68 OSU will win the Rose Bowl.

Texans will discover that "Buckeyes" are actually acorns from the Ohio Buckeye tree, and not black-eyed peas or whatever the hell else we thought they might be.

They will not care. But they will be enlightened.

Posted by: The Amazing Karnak at December 31, 2006 02:29 PM (hNyWr)

69 "CSI Scotland" will feature a gay sheep forensic scientist that is witty, yet sensitive. A running "wool over my eyes" joke will catch on worldwide.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2006 02:35 PM (FWrFx)

70 The CSI Scotland lead actor is none other than Sean Connery whose ongoing affair with a sheep is fodder for on and off air grist mills everywhere.

K_Fraud will discover he is a worthless bag of human waste and relegate himself to being Rosie O'Donnell's oil boy. Next season he will be traded to Dennis Rodman for Dave Navarro and a sexually ambiguous celebrity to be named later. Clay Aiken and Ryan Semen-crest fight openly for the job.

Parisite Hilton shuts her f-ing gob except when it's clamped around her boyfriend's main asset. His sense of taste having long ago surrendered to the pleasures of sex with a pale skinned skank as thin as a Somali pimp roll.

Clay Achin and country singer Kenny 'No chin, no chest, no Chesney" start their own queer country band, the Ass Wranglers. Both move to fire island and give in to their baser, Saddle sore valley urges. Rosie eventually adds them to her coterie of atrocious bitches.

Sean Hannity closes every segment by bitch slapping Alan Communist Colmes, But Rush bitch slaps everyone anyway, Hannity inlcuded. Sara Evans, a true Hannity hanger on, gets a pass for her boobs alone.

At the stroke of midnight Charlton Heston runs from his house screaming,"Damn Dirty Apes," only to find out those weren't apes, just reruns of the Dems winning the November elections.

NRA replaces mamby pamby pro-gun politics with hardcore progun politics and Wayne Lapierre is replaced by a dude named Duke, who smokes cigars and grudge bangs Bela Pelosi just for the fun of it. There is very litlle fun in it, by the way.

Posted by: sandman arriveth at December 31, 2006 03:12 PM (Zc2PN)

71 Madonna gets the herpes virus from oral sex with Mini Me, but the lesions are really, really small and go away when the camera does.

Posted by: sandman arriveth at December 31, 2006 03:14 PM (Zc2PN)

72 Why would Hillary need an implant? She's packing the one she took from BIll in the 70's.

Posted by: sandman arriveth at December 31, 2006 03:16 PM (Zc2PN)

73 I'd vote for a Centaur before I would for those filthy, theivin' hobbits.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at December 31, 2006 04:27 PM (FuM7z)

74 I predict a major scandal rocks the democrats in congress.

I predict the dems "ponies for everyone" plan falls apart by no later than April.

I predict the UN will try to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in Somalia.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at December 31, 2006 09:55 PM (GlKkD)

75 Lance Bass will tell the world he is a flaming homosexual.

Posted by: Bart at December 31, 2006 10:03 PM (YIz8V)

76 Speaker Nancy will announce the Democrat plan to reduce the US dependance on foreign oil. All US citizens and all Mexican semi-citizens will receive a free Tesla Roadster.

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2007 12:24 PM (FWrFx)

77 The DEMACRATS will vote to repeal all of bushes tax cuts and slap taxes on everything we enjoy from softdrinks to handguns to fund more of their rediclous pork barrel projects

Posted by: spurwing plover at January 01, 2007 07:48 PM (n7v4a)

78 The PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE HE RAN AWAY WITH ONE OF THE THREE FRENCH HENS AND THE TWO TURTLE DOVES HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED AND THE FOUR CALLING BIRDS ALL HAVE CELL PHONES

Posted by: spurwing plover at January 02, 2007 05:42 PM (lIqve)

YES, Christopher Taylor! I'm rooting for the Centaurs!

(unfortunately, hobbits will dominate most of the game . . . that is, until overtime)

Posted by: Dan at January 09, 2007 10:01 AM (oeDxj)

80 Great post Hair Extensions

Posted by: Hair Extensions Kirkland Wa at September 30, 2011 03:16 AM (XNne9)

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