Ace of Spades HQ

June 30, 2005

Pirates!
— Ace

Yes, they're still cutthroat criminals and all, but is anyone besides me fascinated that there are still pirates operating in the South China Sea? Highwaymen went by the (ahem) wayside, but pirates are still lootin' & freebootin'.

Okay, they plundered a ship carrying tsunami relief aid... but that's what pirates do, after all. They are not socially well-adjusted nor particularly empathetic about the plight (or property rights) of others.

As Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow kept offering up as an explanation for his criminal behavior: "Pirate, remember?"

(Okay, I know he didn't say "remember," but that's one of those lines that conveys that notion when delivered but needs to be augmented by additional words on the page to get the same idea across.)

Easy Geek Trivia: What pulp hero dedicated his life to defeating piracy in particular?

Posted by: Ace at 08:33 AM | Comments (46)
Post contains 138 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Narrgh! That be the Phantom!

I am so looking forward to the Pirates of the Caribean sequel.

Naargh!

Posted by: vonKreedon at June 30, 2005 08:42 AM (hF0Vm)

2 I would think Aquaman would be more suited for the job.

Posted by: Dman at June 30, 2005 08:44 AM (m2CN7)

3 still pirates operating in the South China Sea?

ACE have you reading Joseph Conrad again?

Posted by: 72 Pirates at June 30, 2005 08:49 AM (dhRpo)

4 ACE as been listening to Jack Armstrong, All American Boy again.

Posted by: shit from shinola at June 30, 2005 08:51 AM (dhRpo)

5 Aquaman -- for years a pussy -- was given Thor-like locks and a beard and an amputated arm to butch him up.

But they've pussified him again anyway... now he just seems to care about protecting the oceans from pollution. And, occasionally, invading the evil polluting land-dwelling world to save utopian Atlantis.

He's too interested in progressive social justice and environmentalism to trouble himself with mere piracy.*

*Note: I really have no f'n' idea what I'm talking about here. This is a sort of feeling I've picked up, but I gotta say, I never read Aquaman and don't really intend to. Even if he is now tricked out with a cool harpoon for a prosthetic arm.

Posted by: ace at June 30, 2005 08:52 AM (sYxc4)

6 Yes, they're all pernicious little ferrets.

Posted by: 72 3-legged dogs at June 30, 2005 08:53 AM (dhRpo)

7 Read a great book on this subject a couple of years ago. I think it was Dangerous Waters. I sorta thought they would have done more to beef up security on those boats by now. I remember the book made the point that the oil companies were spending more on security for their gas stations than they were for their supertankers.

Posted by: Tony B at June 30, 2005 08:54 AM (QBrm4)

8 Cool harpoon ACE? (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Posted by: shit from shinola at June 30, 2005 08:55 AM (dhRpo)

9 I refuse to romanitcize modern pirates one iota. It's a major source of funding for the Indonesian/Philipine arms of Al Quaida.

Associating these guys with Jack Sparrow is like associating a crackhead carjacker with Robin Hood.

Posted by: Eric J at June 30, 2005 09:00 AM (hrQvk)

10 So ace are you trying to say aquaman would only bother with butt pirates?

Posted by: Dman at June 30, 2005 09:01 AM (m2CN7)

11 Yes, I think its safe to say the Aquman rides the Hershey highway. And apparently is into that Dolphin lovin' too.

Posted by: Iblis at June 30, 2005 09:09 AM (9221z)

12 aaarrr, lots o pirates still out there...

Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now"

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.
I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit

"It was my first day with the hook."

Posted by: izzadem at June 30, 2005 09:15 AM (176ze)

13 I refuse to romanitcize modern pirates one iota. It's a major source of funding for the Indonesian/Philipine arms of Al Quaida.

Associating these guys with Jack Sparrow is like associating a crackhead carjacker with Robin Hood.

Come on, man. I'm not defending piracy, for crying out loud.

Posted by: ace at June 30, 2005 09:21 AM (sYxc4)

14 Naaaargh! Ye be tellin' the joke all wrong!

Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Arrgh, I aint seen ya in a squid's age mate. What happen'd to ya? To be sure, ya look terrible."

"Naargh, what do yer mean?" said the pirate, "I feels fine."

"Aargh, what about yer wooden leg? Ye didn't have that before."

"Arr, well then , we were in a battle and me leg got hit wit a cannon ball, but I be right as rain now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happen'd to yer hand?"

"Arr, we was in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
Me hand was cut off. I got fitted wit' a hook. I be fine, naargh."

"Arrgh, what about de eye patch?"

"Naaaargh, one day we was at sea and a flock o birds flew over. I looked up and one of d'em shit in me eye."

"Ya're kidding," said the bartender, "yer couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit

"Naaaaaarrrgh, it were me first day wit' the hook."

Posted by: vonKreedon at June 30, 2005 09:33 AM (hF0Vm)

15 I am shocked and offended by these so-called jokes which are actually thinly-veiled slurs about the disabled.

The suffering and fundamental difficulties that a double-amputee experiences while learning to get along in this world (which is designed for the able-bodied) deserves to be handled seriously, and is nothing to make light of.

Lets see YOU lose a couple of limbs, asshole.
You make me sick.

Posted by: lauraw at June 30, 2005 09:58 AM (Hbb40)

16 --and don't get me started on that insulting exaggerated accent. You elitist son of a bitch.

Posted by: lauraw at June 30, 2005 09:59 AM (Hbb40)

17 ?

Posted by: at June 30, 2005 10:04 AM (kUNrb)

18 Naaaarrrgh!

Come over to me wench and wisper yer objections in me ear.

I may be a son of a bitch, but that be an accident o' birth. But you me lady....

Posted by: vonKreedon at June 30, 2005 10:05 AM (hF0Vm)

19 That offends me too.

Posted by: lauraw at June 30, 2005 10:08 AM (Hbb40)

20 Terry of Terry and the Pirates fought piracy, press gangs, opium lords, and other SE Asia stereotypes, right?

Seem to recall he went up against a Dragon Lady/Queen of the Pirates, too...

Posted by: pmm at June 30, 2005 10:13 AM (IVEvO)

21 Arrr!

And well ye should be, as offendin' be what I wer' doin'.

Now come over an' let me offend ye some more, naargh.

Posted by: vonKreedon at June 30, 2005 10:14 AM (hF0Vm)

22 Just for you, VonK, as long as you insist on affecting that ridiculous accent:

The Pirate Name Generator

(And yes, I know it's old.)

Posted by: utron (Giant Ozzie Bellamy) at June 30, 2005 10:16 AM (CgIkY)

23 Piracy in Asia presents a significant problem, and much of it is related to Islamic terrorism. The Straits of Malacca present one of the least-discussed pressure points in the terror war.

Posted by: SWLiP at June 30, 2005 10:21 AM (WfQGW)

24 Narrgh! Ye can call me Stutterin' Harley Cutler!

In fact I really just love to talk like a pirate, I'm not sure why. Every year I look forward to "Talk Like a Pirate Day" on September 19th.

Naargh!

Posted by: vonKreedon at June 30, 2005 10:22 AM (hF0Vm)

25 did you know that the term 'son of a gun' is an old nautical slur?

Posted by: lauraw at June 30, 2005 10:35 AM (Hbb40)

26 ...and being "three sheets to the wind" also comes from sailing jargon of that period...

Posted by: meep at June 30, 2005 10:42 AM (5j3FI)

27 Yep, and Yep. Read the Hornblower series as a lad and the Aubrey/Maturin series as an adult.

Though 'son of a gun' be not so much of an insult as it be a perlite way o' describin' a mate's parentage.

Posted by: vonKreedon at June 30, 2005 10:49 AM (hF0Vm)

28 A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. Bartender says, "Hey buddy, ya know ya gotta steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" Pirate replies, "Arrggghh! Aye. It's drivin' me nuts!"

Posted by: compos mentis at June 30, 2005 11:10 AM (uCHTx)

29 Hey, my pirate first name is Tax Evadin'

I like that!

Posted by: Lipstick at June 30, 2005 11:25 AM (DnxvX)

30 Pirates invented barbecue. Pirates good folks for that. Lay off the pirates.

Posted by: Cedarford at June 30, 2005 11:33 AM (ywZa8)

31 Nearrrh. If'n ye wants t' track the newfangled parrotless pirates of the Sou' China Sea, yer man be Eagle1, over at yon Eaglespeak saloon. E been tracken em fer many a turn, many a turn. Garrr. My link'll take ye thar.

Posted by: Alec at June 30, 2005 12:13 PM (z0RE3)

32 Aaarrgh! I'm now known as "Machete" Carlos Slaughter.

How did the name generator know to pick a hispanic name since I'm hispanic?

Racial profiling!

Posted by: Slublog at June 30, 2005 12:29 PM (A8ZOW)

33 Naaargh! I be Cap'n Thomas Mowhawk, mateys.

Posted by: Michael at June 30, 2005 03:37 PM (pRtzm)

34 How come nobody else wants to talk about pirates or play the pirate name game? Come on pirates are fun to talk about.

Fine.

Posted by: Lipstick at June 30, 2005 07:15 PM (DnxvX)

35 (slouching off, big "L" branded on forehead)

sniff

Posted by: Lipstick at June 30, 2005 07:19 PM (DnxvX)

36 This report of a modern pirate attack on 2 sailboats, on 8 March 2005, is a good read. Ends well too.

http://www.noonsite.com/Members/doina/R2005-03-14-1

Posted by: Sertorius at July 01, 2005 04:56 AM (2BhmG)

37 I tried out the name generator, and apparently my piratin' name be "Bloody Bill Cash", which be passing odd, since I don't recall tellin' that scurvy generator that William be my middle name.

Gaaarrrr!

Posted by: SparcVark at July 01, 2005 11:37 AM (X7hb0)

38 Pirate Juliana the Parrotless?

I'm so using that at Gasparilla next year.

Posted by: Kazmin at July 01, 2005 11:49 AM (P8PxM)

39 Well, me maiden name were Paraplegic Jane Bellamy, but me married name now be Cap'n Gertrude Knockboots!

Garrr! Avast ye scurvy dogs!

I tell you.

Cap'n Gertrude Knockboots has a certain...sweet lyrical quality...I jut may change my nick.

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