Ace of Spades HQ

May 30, 2007

NJ Creates New Agency To Fight Chubbiness
— Ace

State agencies. Is there anything they can't do?

New Jersey's health department is escalating the battle against the bulge by starting an Office of Nutrition and Fitness to better coordinate programs aimed at preventing obesity.
New Jersey may be the first state to create such a government body.
...
Fred M. Jacobs, commissioner of the state Department of Health and Senior Services... says he wants to tackle the obesity problem through education, support groups and encouraging physical activity, rather than by banning particular foods. One goal is to "de-normalize" the massive portions served in restaurants.
...
He is mulling the idea of having schools notify parents, via report cards, of children with weight problems.

Eh, health is good, obesity is bad, and kids should stop swilling all that soda.

Still... Governor Corzine was last seen lecturing us on the need to wear seat-belts to insure safe driving, after driving at unsafe speeds without wearing a seat-belt.

And now he's crusading against... fatness.

His next crusade will be against shaggy-looking facial hair.

I have to say I'm less inclined to take his advice on that matter than I would be to, say, take that of Allison "Stokes" Stokke.*

* I assume she's called Stokes. How could you be a jock with the last name "Stokke" and not be called "Stokes"? It just doesn't seem possible.

Posted by: Ace at 01:43 PM | Comments (30)
Post contains 238 words, total size 2 kb.

1 I sense a new potential market in fat offsets in the near future.

Posted by: leoncaruthers at May 30, 2007 01:49 PM (wSoj/)

2 Hmm...if they want to give me a government grant to lose weight this might actually work. Sheer brilliance! Corzine is da man!

Posted by: John at May 30, 2007 01:52 PM (QC96i)

3 >>I assume she's called Stokes.

Really? Huh, I was thinking Stroke but you may be right.

Posted by: JackStraw at May 30, 2007 01:52 PM (t+mja)

4 Hey, they weren't losing nearly enough money in their last budget. They only have $30 billion in debt. Surely they can afford to spend money on frivolous luxuries...

See, when you're $3000 in debt, it's time to tighten the belt and get your debt paid off. But you'll never pay off $30 billion, so why bother trying?

Spend like there is no tomorrow... and really hope there isn't a tomorrow because you'll never get out of debt. - new slogan for New Jersey

Posted by: Gekkobear at May 30, 2007 01:54 PM (3O+FT)

5 "Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?"
"Why, yes, I'll have a Big Mac and a medium Coke please."
"Great. Would you like fries with that?"
"Hmmm. I think I wi...."

(menacing figure steps out of the shadows wearing a black uniform with a red armband. The armband has a picture of a set of scales on it. His peaked cap has a emblem of the New Jersey state seal on the front.)

"Nein! Sie wünschen die Pommes-Frites, ja? Let me see you papers!"
"I just want some French Fries."
"Sie scheinen, Herr etwas chubby. NO FRIES FOR YOU!"

Posted by: Xoxotl at May 30, 2007 01:58 PM (F/ysA)

Ace,

You would take AS's advice because she's hot and you're a beta. Revel in it.

Posted by: Eric at May 30, 2007 02:04 PM (eSqCK)

7 Well we all know as Hillary Clinton pointed out: fairness can only happen from government programs.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 30, 2007 02:08 PM (wmgz8)

8 When you go to Court to appeal your ticket for "public fatness" bring a big box of Krispy Kreme donuts.

Posted by: eman at May 30, 2007 02:17 PM (FWrFx)

9 Nein! Nein! No trial, no appeal! You vill go straight to ze fat camp!

Posted by: Xoxotl at May 30, 2007 02:26 PM (F/ysA)

10 It's really hard to tunnel out of the fat camp.

Posted by: eman at May 30, 2007 02:28 PM (FWrFx)

11 It's really hard to tunnel out of the fat camp.

Unless it's built on fields of cheese

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at May 30, 2007 02:32 PM (tVbxd)

Does Rosie live in Jersey?

Posted by: eman at May 30, 2007 02:41 PM (FWrFx)

Unless they put time-restrictive devices on t.v. and the internet, and tie folks to car bumpers to force them to exercise, there is no way in hell to legislate weight loss.

I feel certain that a fat czar is just what's needed to persuade a public otherwise ignorant to the issues associated with fat:

fat clothes..."they're just 'static clingy'"

stretch marks..."acquired during those weeks when I built muscle at the gym"

deteriorating health..."hereditary"

premature death..."not me"

Why. I can see my gym filling to capacity as a motivated masses finally decides to 'just do it'.

Posted by: jmflynny at May 30, 2007 02:42 PM (iAdm7)

14 We need Krusty brand imitation gruel, four out of five orphans can't tell the difference

Posted by: Toby928 at May 30, 2007 02:54 PM (ATbKm)

This is funny unless you look to closely.

The government wants to get involved in what you eat. The founding fathers killed Brits for less.

Posted by: captkidney at May 30, 2007 03:29 PM (cb2+E)

16 I hate NJ. Somebody in one of NJ's state agencies wanted to buy my product, but before I could sell to her, I had to fill out their stupid "Doing Business in New Jersey" application. What a load of bureaucratic crap. I raised my price just for them.

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 30, 2007 03:38 PM (wQTRu)

I guess some people can't sleep at night knowing that other people are fat.

Posted by: eman at May 30, 2007 03:44 PM (FWrFx)

18 Actually, driving at 90 mph without a seatbelt and spending 5 days on a ventilator is a great weight loss plan. Ask the former Chairman of Goldman-Sachs.

Posted by: HerrMorgenholz at May 30, 2007 03:51 PM (K/lgF)

In all fairness, the ban will only be enforced indoors. Obese citizens will be still be able to enjoy high caloric food in special outdoor HoHo Zones and, of course, in the privacy of their homes well out of sight of those who might be offended by their gluttony.

Posted by: Warden at May 30, 2007 03:56 PM (cxMJt)

20 State agencies. Is there anything they can't do?

Save money?
Cut costs?
Anything that a normal person's common sense can do?

There's lots of things they CAN'T do...that's why they are a government agency.

Posted by: cheshirecat at May 30, 2007 05:06 PM (YWoDC)

21 11 It's really hard to tunnel out of the fat camp

Nah, you just need bigger KLIM cans.
Three tunnels, name them TOM DICK and FATASS.

(whistles "The Great Escape"...)

Posted by: cheshirecat at May 30, 2007 05:10 PM (YWoDC)

22 You know, now that I think about it perhaps this has nothing to do with obesity. Instead, this could be part the MediCare drug program in providing our more seasoned male citizens with Viagra so they can have chubbies again. Ace, you'll have to look into that further to clear this matter up.

Posted by: John at May 30, 2007 05:30 PM (QC96i)

23 Sinistar was making fun of Philadelphia earlier today. Here's one for
him...I moved from Philly to NJ in the mid-90's. I got so sick of the
vaguely fascist ways of that state that I moved back to the "hellhole"
of Philly. As corrupt, dirty, and tax-crazy as this city can be, it
doesn't hold a candle to the Garden State. I try not to cross the
bridge if at all possible.

And if anyone tried to take away our greasy, dripping (mayo-less) cheesteaks, we'd get very ornery about it.

Posted by: Dr. Remulak at May 30, 2007 07:54 PM (tAKLP)

24 To really convince us, I suggest Corzine follow a supersize-me diet
until something catastrophic happens, then he can make a credible PSA
about it.

Posted by: Frank O at May 31, 2007 03:21 AM (Infho)

25 Sure, sure... I grow up and move to Florida, THEN they tell me they'll help. Putzes.

I try not to cross the
bridge if at all possible.

Funny, that's what we used to say about New York, where most of us escaped from. Shit rolls downhill, I guess.

Posted by: The Black Republican at May 31, 2007 03:50 AM (TJwIL)

26 I can't believe I'm the first one to call this a pork-barrel project

Posted by: SicSemperTyrannus at May 31, 2007 04:48 AM (BuYeH)

Posted by: Xoxotl at May 30, 2007 06:58 PM (F/ysA)

Man that's good funny.

You should write for SNL.

Posted by: Entropy at May 31, 2007 06:16 AM (m6c4H)

28 Delaware!! It's still a Blue state but they pride themselves on not having a sales tax.

Yeah, but then your Senator is Joe Biden.

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 31, 2007 06:34 AM (efWVJ)

Delaware!! It's still a Blue state but they pride themselves on not having a sales tax.

Yeah, but then your Senator is Joe Biden.

Delaware is fast on it's way to becoming New New Jersey.

The transplant population from Phil. NJ and NY has reached critical mass and they keep voting in new property taxes ( and I mean every six months to a year). The" Small Wonder's "time as a decent place to live is nearly up.

By the way here's the Gov. of Delaware
http://www.delawaregop.com/content/img/f32277/Minner.jpg

She's an anti-smoking zealot.

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