Ace of Spades HQ

April 29, 2005

Like I Really Need To Hype Riding The Bus With My Sister Any More
— Ace

I think they might end up surprised at the high ratings, if only they publicize the "thrillingly embarassing" review.

SondraK sent me this page, containing clips of the epic.

No lesser light than AllahPundit deems them "comedy gold" and proclaims this to be "the Super Bowl of Retard Movies."

Can't wait to watch "A New Haircut." I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl.

A retarded schoolgirl.

Oh, Man: This is horrible and sad.

The sad part is that there are mentally challenged people.

The horrible part is that Rosie O'Donnell is playing them.

What the hell is that "speech impediment" thing she's doing? It doesn't sound like a speech impediment at all. It sounds like she's doing some sort of bad Ed Grimley impersonation.

It does appear the movie is honestly named. Three quarters of the clips do, in fact, take place on a bus.

Who the hell greenlighted this abortion, and why is he snorting coke off a $3,000 hooker's ass while I'm sitting here trying to get a buzz off tearing my fingernails down to the cuticles?

Posted by: Ace at 09:53 PM | Comments (47)
Post contains 206 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Ace,

You're really f%&*ed up.

Funny too, of course.

But not as funny as Rosie O'D playing a fat short-bus chick.

That's gob smackingly vile funny.

Posted by: Birkel at April 29, 2005 10:24 PM (FeLzN)

2 Gee, and I thought you were out having fun, this being Friday night at all. Instead, you are sitting on the couch watching Rosie?

Posted by: at April 29, 2005 10:35 PM (jJPIT)

3 Isnt' that the voice she used in her (overhyped) stand up act?

Okay, since no one else will say it, I will - what a retard!
DKK

Posted by: LifeTrek at April 29, 2005 11:59 PM (ps/VS)

4 Anonymous black dude: "Give it up, lady. A nickel don't buy nothin'!"

Man, muthafuckas be droppin' wisdom all up in my shit!

Posted by: Andrew at April 30, 2005 02:20 AM (xat8P)

5 Well, actually, okay. I have been around retarded people people, and yeah - some of them talk like that. Actually, worse than that. And yeah, some of them are really loud. I suppose most people haven't dealt with any such further than those smart enough to get a job sweeping floors at Wendy's.

That said, some of the lines are a bit too intelligent...and I doubt Rosie will be getting any acting awards for this. Still, it's a little more accurate portrayal than many of the "magical retard" movies, which generally have said retards be pretty quiet and not terribly embarrassing.

The one thing about these magical retard movies is that they make the people a bit smarter so as not to make audiences uncomfortable, and to make them seem endearing. Because it can be really tough dealing with such people in real life.

Posted by: meep at April 30, 2005 02:32 AM (9Bj9e)

6 And by tough, I don't mean they take off the nice dress you gave them and put on a clean tshirt and clean shorts.

Anyway, I find the whole "magical disadvantaged person" genre extremely annoying.

Ugh.

Posted by: meep at April 30, 2005 03:00 AM (9Bj9e)

7 "PETER! PETER! When youse comin' home, PEEETTTTERRRRRRRRRRR?"

Now you know why me and the boys were going to be playing all night long.

Posted by: Peter Criss at April 30, 2005 03:28 AM (BPhem)

8 My mom and sister have both worked as drivers for county homes for the extra-retarded. (They drive them almost exclusively to doctors and hospitals -- one of the corollaries of retardation is a need for lots and lots of doctor visits.)

One of the many unpleasant aspects of the job is that some of them will suddenly become violent and hostile without any warning or provocation. (The clients, that is, not my mom and sister.) The unpleasantness is compounded by the fact that the county employees are literally forbidden to defend themselves. They're taught to block and that's it.

Just a little infotainment for a Saturday morning.

Posted by: Guy T. at April 30, 2005 05:49 AM (g24sE)

9 This is a bullshit liberal fantasy of what a retard actually acts like.

Remember when she gently feels the pregnant chick? In real life, she puts her into instant, unwelcome, premature labor.

Posted by: Dogstar at April 30, 2005 06:04 AM (KgeNY)

10 Wow, she's not acting retarted. She just made up her own ailments!

I thought the black guy saying "Naw, a nickel don't buy you nothin'" was quite multicultural of them.

Posted by: Greg at April 30, 2005 06:10 AM (potlL)

11 Whatever. I'm looking over at that RightTalk ad and I see, right above your top-billed debut announcement, a picture of a guy and a girl moving a bloody body in boxers.

What kind of show are you guys running?

Posted by: See-Dubya at April 30, 2005 06:11 AM (NZHCc)

12 We can't just sit and passively watch this movie.

I think a drinking game is in order.

Posted by: Slublog at April 30, 2005 06:16 AM (G7INt)

13 Are there any shows that aren't drinking games?

Posted by: lauraw at April 30, 2005 06:24 AM (6m+2T)

14 Uhhh...Mythbusters?

Of course, you could develop a game for any show, I suppose, but I'm not sure this is going to be a movie any of us want to watch without consuming at least one drink.

Posted by: Slublog at April 30, 2005 06:28 AM (G7INt)

15 Well we are planning to have one or two before the show starts, just to get over the anticipatory giggles and dull the flight response.
Then lash ourselves to the couch like Ulysses and keep a bottle standing on the coffee table for spot anesthesia.

Posted by: lauraw at April 30, 2005 07:29 AM (6m+2T)

16 Wait... She's acting in these clips?

Posted by: someone at April 30, 2005 07:40 AM (ZMAzf)

17 I feel suddenly uncomfortable with how loudly I have laughed while watching the clips (and interviews). And, you're right, Ed Grimley DOES come to mind.

How in the hell could Anjelica Huston think this passes muster.

Somehow, I think the real person upon whom this character is based is also sitting somewhere, yelling at the screen "Rosie is a retard!"

Posted by: jmflynny at April 30, 2005 08:03 AM (itNrh)

18 I'l have to pass on these clips because I'm not willing to download Real Player. All I need is another stupid media program that stays open all the time, sucking up space and memory, downloading crap ads for stupid crap and sending my browser cache to some multinational Omnicorporation, and interrupting me every other week with a message that "Ooh! Ooh! A new superfantabulous update is available!!!" Quick Time is already irritating me enough, and I never even use it except for links to "Lightning Bolt" like movies--Windows media Player is all I really use.

But I did check out the RTBWMS site and the first thing I see is a "slideshow" with this caption, emphasis mine:

"Rosie O'D*nnell and Andie MacDowell portray real-life sisters Beth and Rachel."

In this pretend story, they're real life sisters! No, but close: in real life, they're pretend sisters! Someone at CBS is fundamentally unclear on the difference between "real-life" and "make-believe".

Someone, that is, besides the crew at 60 Minutes.

PS--What is the problem your spam filter has with the name of the poet who wrote "For Whom The Bell Tolls?", and which is contained in Rosie's last name?

Posted by: See-Dubya at April 30, 2005 08:16 AM (NZHCc)

19 Ed Grimley is close, but I've a better candidate: Phil Hartman doing Ross Perot's running mate, James Stockdale.

Dana Carvey as Perot takes Stockdale for a ride and tries to leave him way out in the boonies. Watch it and see how close to Rosie's Beth the speech pattern is.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos at April 30, 2005 09:00 AM (BPhem)

20 A Cup of Coffee

Scene opens with the two sisters in the ladies room of Starbucks.

Beth (flushes and stares in the bowl, fascintated by the water draining out.): I DON'T LIKE COFFEE!

Rachel (on pot in next stall): That's really wonderful, but maybe if you tried some Espresso with just a dash of Frangelica and cinnamon you'd feel differently.

Beth: NO! NO! NO! CHOCOLATE MILK! OR HOT COCOA!

Rachel: [Wiping ass on $100 bill] It's been so long since I had chocolate milk. [Wistfully] But I'm lactose intolerant and it's bad for my complexion.

Beth: REALLY GOOD. YOU'LL SEE! REMEMBER HOW MOM MADE IT WHEN WE WERE LITTLE GIRLS?!

Rachel: [Goes to mirror, takes out solid gold compact and begins to powder nose.] Yes, well...

Club-footed illegal immigrant cleaning woman enters: You two honkies 'bout done in here? I gots to clean up and git home to my po' little leukemia-sufferin' chile who aint got no pappy.

Rachel: I'm so sorry. We were just leaving. Perhaps you'd like my Rolex as compensation?

Beth: FIRE BAD!

Cleaning woman [to Beth]: Damn, woman. Your rich bitch sister's sheet don't even stink.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos at April 30, 2005 09:13 AM (BPhem)

21 I love the poll at the CBS site. America's full of bastards. I love it.

Posted by: Rob at April 30, 2005 09:17 AM (/1rZI)

22 The Admiral Stockdale reference was right on, good call.
See also, Phil Hartman's take on Ed McMhan (sp?)... eerily similar.

Posted by: GatorD at April 30, 2005 09:56 AM (VicCS)

23 Who the hell greenlighted this abortion, and why is he snorting coke off a $3,000 hooker's ass while I'm sitting here trying to get a buzz off tearing my fingernails down to the cuticles?

Ace, if it makes you feel any better he will also burn in hell for eternity. And you.. well, you will just have short nails.

So you are really on the winning end of this.

Just some perspective....;-)

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at April 30, 2005 10:01 AM (tLqLU)

24 Does Rosie try to eat Andi's beaver?

I've never seen a retarded chick eat beaver. Might be worth watching.

Posted by: Ellis D. Tecnine at April 30, 2005 11:55 AM (QLFr2)

25 I love you Nicholas Kronos...

Posted by: The Ugly American at April 30, 2005 12:16 PM (KvHIb)

26 I think "Something About Mary" was the best movie, and in part, I appreciated the portrayal of her brother (beans and franks!) presented somewhat plausibly and with sincere comedy and sensitivity alike. All told, it was much more sympathic and heartwarming to see Cameron Ditz-ass interact with her onscreen brother as he was, not try to make him into some sort of 'tard superhero.

Rosie acts on a lark, with no real sympathy or understanding of the mentally disabled. Rosie is just "guessing" how she'd be if she were retarded. (The rest of us don't have to guess, or even watch the movie, we already know.) It's remarkably insensitive, as well as being an insult to the craft of acting.

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at April 30, 2005 12:25 PM (wBmK0)

27 Hey Ace! I found a love-match site that won't wait:

http://www.mailorderhusbands.net/order/

Perfect matches for "Riding the Bus" types.

It has to be a spoof. Please God, tell me it's a spoof.

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at April 30, 2005 01:59 PM (wBmK0)

28 The unintentional humor might make it a great movie.

Posted by: rdbrewer at April 30, 2005 02:09 PM (lpbk9)

29 Oh......my........God. There has to be something else to this. We're going to find out that the Zuckers are secretly behind this, or something. Nobody could make that POS intentionally. And it's not just Rosie. The dialogue is awful, the other actors are awful....something's up here.

Nice call on Stockdale. I was trying to figure out what it is, and that's it. The thing that she does with the lower jaw is exactly what Hartman was doing.

Posted by: CraigC at April 30, 2005 03:26 PM (BO6SR)

30 I don't usually find myself in the position of being the 'prude', but I don't think the use of the word "retard" is very funny.

"Retards" can't defend themselves, and there are plenty of targets who deserve as much mockery as can be thrown their way.

OK, I'm done pissing on the floor.

Posted by: John from WuzzaDem at April 30, 2005 04:22 PM (Pt3Le)

31 ""Retards" can't defend themselves..."

cedarford does alright but then he may be the exception that proves the rule.

Posted by: BrewFan at April 30, 2005 04:29 PM (95UaF)

32 Brew, has he somehow boosted his IQ?

Posted by: John from WuzzaDem at April 30, 2005 04:37 PM (Pt3Le)

33 John, I'm reading the use of the word in this context a little differently. The way it's being used here -- and after re-reading the comments, there's actually not much use of the word "retard" -- impresses me more as a mockery of how the makers of this movie invested in a stereotype. When one hears the word "retard" a specific image comes to mind...and that's precisely what Rosie is doing.

Yeah, normally it's not right; I'm reminded of the reaction I'm sure lots of us had during "There's Something about Mary" when Matt Dillon proudly exclaims, "I work with retards!" The negative connotations are why the term "tard" has started to pop up in slang. But I think when describing this film, the occasional "retard" is fitting because it refers to a negative stereotype that the movie is pushing on its audience.

Later,
bbeck

Posted by: beck at April 30, 2005 04:42 PM (qF8q3)

34 He certainly has. He's gone from drooling to low-functioning. But I really shouldn't be so hard on him. I think those swimming lessons his mom gave him when he was little are partly responsible. It wasn't easy getting out of that bag.

Posted by: BrewFan at April 30, 2005 04:47 PM (95UaF)

35 Hey bbeck,

I understand, and believe me, the context isn't lost on me.

I'm not exactly the King of Tact, and I'm not trying to single out Ace or anoyone here in particular, I just think it's close enought to elicit a whince.

There are people who are mentally handicapped enough to have had that name thrown at them who read well enough to see these things, and I don't think avoiding the word is overly PC.

Posted by: John from WuzzaDem at April 30, 2005 04:54 PM (Pt3Le)

36 "I'm not exactly the King of Tact..."

Heh, I don't think your even in his kingdom, John.

(That IS a compliment.)

Point taken.

Later,
bbeck

Posted by: bbeck at April 30, 2005 05:00 PM (qF8q3)

37 Two things I read here about this latest RosieDreck which annoy me already:

(1) She has a boyfriend. Of course! Men are just lining up to date overweight, hyperprecocious retarted women. Plus we all know NO movie can EVER be greenlighted unless the hero/heroine is satisfying themselves sexually at least as often as Jessica Rabbit on steroids.

(2) Her sister is rich. Anyone notice the trend in movies lately (Tombstone, Erin Brokovich, Holes) where EVERY dang hero not only (A) Saves the day, (B) Gets the most beautiful boy/girl in the school or at work, and (C) inherits or is otherwise granted piles of money in denominations the Treasury won't even print anymore?

I would be willing to bet serious money this flick ends with her sister dying and leaving Rosie at least $30 million, which I'm sure she uses to open up a home containing the world's most cute and darling invalids the world has ever seen.

Other than that, of course, I'm sure this epic will receive at least 7 Emmys at next year's ceremony.

Posted by: qdpsteve at April 30, 2005 05:50 PM (inyou)

38 "When she was young girl (she is my age, 43) they called her retarded, but she now falls somewhere along the spectrum of autism, which is a wide and varied spectrum ... she has minimum social skills or interest in anyone outside of her own world. She is a fascinating character to play and it was a very scary thing to do. But with Angelica Huston (search) directing and Andie (MacDowell) helping me get through it, it was a magnificent journey to try to do it."

This is going to be better than we thought.

Posted by: Slublog at April 30, 2005 05:55 PM (G7INt)

39 "I don't usually find myself in the position of being the 'prude', but I don't think the use of the word "retard" is very funny.

"'Retards' can't defend themselves, and there are plenty of targets who deserve as much mockery as can be thrown their way."

I'm sure that just a few decades ago, "retarded" was considered a fine, tactful euphemism. Consider the literal sense of the word: delayed. The word urges us to believe that the retarded have merely suffered a setback and will catch up. "Handicapped" was on the same downward trajectory when it was replaced by "challenged." Now, "challenged" is coming to mean, well, retarded or handicapped, with all the negative connotations.

No matter how hard we try to cover the ugliness of stupidity, stupidity will always soak through the mask and stain it.

Posted by: Odrade at April 30, 2005 06:00 PM (uuUX1)

40 "Dumbfuck" is probably a little more appropriate than "retard". At least that's what Mom always said.

Posted by: Dogstar at April 30, 2005 07:43 PM (KgeNY)

41 This is going to be better than we thought.

That FoxNews pic sealed it for me.

She's most definitely doing a cross between Admiral Stockdale and Ed McMahon.

Yessss!!! You are correct sir!

Posted by: The Ugly American at April 30, 2005 10:19 PM (KvHIb)

42 O/T - so North Korea's testing missiles and the one story on every news channel is that Wilbanks twit. Christ. Someone needs to go through every newsroom in the country and slap every single anchor and producer across their silly faces. How the hell that fool of a woman (NB: redundant) can be considered a news story anymore is utterly beyond me.

Posted by: Megan at May 01, 2005 05:37 AM (jBXwy)

43 Watching TV

The two sisters curl up in Beth's scuzzy apartment to watch her 13-inch Sharp TV and--of course--bond.

Beth: DON'T HAVE NO CABLE! HAVE TO WATCH FOX THROUGH THE RABBIT EARS!

Rachel: You know, we really ought to go over to my place and use the home theater. I've the complete Sex in the City collection.

Rat scurries out into the middle of the floor and stares at Rachel.

Rachel: Omigod. What is that?

Beth: [Picks up rat and begins to pet it.] THIS!? IT'S JUST MISS FUZZY-SLIPPERS! CUTE, HUNH?! WANNA TOUCH HER TUMMY? SHE'S CARRYIN' A BUNCH OF LITTLE VERMIN BABIES DUE ANY DAY! I'M GONNA BE THE--WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?--GODMOTHER!!!

Rachel: [Holding hand to mouth.] I think I might be sick. [Pulls out silk designer handkerchief and dabs demurely at lips.]

Beth: GEE, THAT'S TOO BAD! TIME FOR WAPNER!

Rat leaps at Rachel and attaches itself to her face, gnawing viciously.

Rachel: Ungh...help...ouch...Collagen seems to send Miss Fuzzy Slippers into a feeding frenzy.

Beth: CAN I KEEP HER GEORGE, CAN I KEEP HER!?

Beth: IT'S ALL GONNA BE OKAY. JUST YOUSE WAIT AND SEE, SIS. WE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH!

Rachel: [Collapsing backward and yelling through blood-streaked face.] Do it to Beth! Tear her face off, strip her to the fatty tard bones. Not me! Do it to Beth!

Miss Fuzzy Slippers: Rargh! Rargh!

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos at May 01, 2005 06:32 AM (BPhem)

44 I cna't believe I just used perfectly good memory engrams and stored those stupids clips of Rosie O'youknowwho on them.

I'm an idiot.

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