Ace of Spades HQ

August 31, 2007

Internet Bullshitter Angers Shaolin Monks
— LauraW.

It's not nice to talk trash about Kung Fu masters.

The Internet user, calling themselves Five Minutes Every Day, said on an online forum last week that a Japanese ninja came to Shaolin, asked for a fight and many monks failed to beat him, the newspaper said.
The facts that the monks could not defeat a Japanese ninja showed that they were named as kung fu masters in vain, the Internet user was quoted as saying in the post.

The Shaolin temple monks issued a statement of condemnation and are demanding an apology to the entire Chinese nation.

Can't help but notice how much publicity is being paid to just one forum-dork.

Virtually all of the blog-dorks who visit this moronblog can come up with much better slurs against the Shaolin Temple Kung Fu Masters.

Maybe. I think.

Wouldn't want to turn it into a competition or anything.

Posted by: LauraW. at 10:11 AM | Comments (71)
Post contains 158 words, total size 1 kb.

1 The feet never stop tapping at the Shaolin Temple public restrooms.

Posted by: malphonse at August 31, 2007 10:16 AM (p1s9n)

2 The reason the monks of the Shaolin Temple got their asses kicked?
Their Kung Fu stance was too wide (if you know what I mean and I think you do).

Posted by: Drew at August 31, 2007 10:19 AM (hlYel)

3 monkacas

Posted by: carl carlson at August 31, 2007 10:20 AM (sC8uT)

4 Iron Egg Kung Fu, requires a wide stance

http://youtube.com/watch?v=tVDMG1-eA4I

Posted by: not that ryan at August 31, 2007 10:23 AM (iZ4CI)

5 Wiserbud, you have been named an internet user in vain.

Posted by: Sobek at August 31, 2007 10:24 AM (6GK9U)

Did he snatch the pebble from their hands?

They fucking hate that.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at August 31, 2007 10:24 AM (pzen5)

I went to a Shao Lin temple last week and not one of the supposed "Masters" could snatch the pebble from my hand.

Posted by: Master Loo at August 31, 2007 10:24 AM (zXUuJ)

8 D'oh!

Posted by: Master Loo at August 31, 2007 10:24 AM (zXUuJ)

9 But it was a ninja dressed as a pirate, so that's why they lost.

Posted by: cirby at August 31, 2007 10:27 AM (AbkSG)

10 That Iron Egg Kung Fu is easy stuff. My testicles have put up with far worse.

Posted by: Bill Clinton at August 31, 2007 10:27 AM (6GK9U)

Don't buy that dour, peaceful monk demeanor. I hear they're into real kinky stuff.

The safe word is 'no MSG.'

Posted by: lauraw at August 31, 2007 10:29 AM (sd1kp)

I went inside one of those temples one time. They were all watching "Rush Hour".

True story.

Posted by: Zorachus at August 31, 2007 10:29 AM (Tmbny)

13 #7
Dave in Texas

We have a winner...

Posted by: A. Weasel at August 31, 2007 10:32 AM (bqcfE)

14 These monks get zero pussy. Z-E-R-O.

Posted by: guy who thinks celibacy is what moviestars are at August 31, 2007 10:36 AM (JefgB)

15 The Shaolin Temple Kung Fu Master's mommas are so fat when they go to the beach the tide comes in.

Posted by: CAD Daddy at August 31, 2007 10:38 AM (U6x6j)

One time the Army gave them some soccer balls. They had David Carradine's face on them.

I don't even want to tell you what happened next.

Posted by: Zorachus at August 31, 2007 10:39 AM (Tmbny)

17 shhhhhh
Lets see how long we can keep poppy trapped in the Craig thread.

Posted by: A. Weasel at August 31, 2007 10:39 AM (bqcfE)

18 Like these monks, I have kinda squinty eyes. Don't ask.

Posted by: Poppy the Peeker at August 31, 2007 10:42 AM (JefgB)

19 I will give 5 virtual dollars to anyone who can guess what movie this is from...................... "I love Kung Fu".

Posted by: pajama momma at August 31, 2007 10:42 AM (Tbl5c)

To Kill a Mockingbird?

Posted by: Zorachus at August 31, 2007 10:46 AM (Tmbny)

21 kung fu hustle?

Posted by: carl carlson at August 31, 2007 10:46 AM (sC8uT)

22 Fried Green Tomatoes?

Posted by: Zorachus at August 31, 2007 10:48 AM (Tmbny)

"I love Kung Fu". That's from Office Space, baby. Watch out for your cornhole.

The Shaolin monks problem? Their kung fu is weak. Certainly not adequite.

Posted by: AxL at August 31, 2007 10:48 AM (DC1Zk)

24 Um, yeeaaah, Pajama Momma, I'm going to have to have you just go ahead and come up with a harder question than that one.

As for the monks, their most famous pupil wasn't even friggin' Chinese.

Posted by: Alex at August 31, 2007 10:48 AM (fgyj8)

25 They hid behind Buddhas balls when Dick Cheney pulled out his "cock of Death"!

Posted by: hutch1200 at August 31, 2007 10:48 AM (Lt1qB)

26 Battletoads?

Posted by: not that ryan at August 31, 2007 10:48 AM (iZ4CI)

27 Maybe.......this

Posted by: A. Weasel at August 31, 2007 10:49 AM (bqcfE)

28 Karate Kid 5: Daniel's Choice

Posted by: Zorachus at August 31, 2007 10:49 AM (Tmbny)

29 Pussies.

Posted by: mbruce at August 31, 2007 10:53 AM (LLCm9)

30 Fine, here's your money, but you have to pry it from her cold dead fingers.

Posted by: pajama momma at August 31, 2007 10:54 AM (Tbl5c)

31 Oh yeah, it's Office Space.

Posted by: pajama momma at August 31, 2007 10:55 AM (Tbl5c)

32 A Berkeley hippy came to Shaolin, climbed a tree in protest, and many
monks failed to get him down, even as he taunted them by singing "We
Shall Overcome".

The
fact that the monks could not de-tree a Berkeley hippy showed that they
were named as kung fu masters in vain.

Posted by: sandy burger at August 31, 2007 10:57 AM (Uuy++)

33 I was gonna guess "From Here to Eternity". Didn't Ernest Borgnine say that right before he kicked Sinatra's ass?

Posted by: Dave in Texas at August 31, 2007 10:58 AM (pzen5)

sissy monks lose fight

to 5 year old little girl

who's ill with mono

Posted by: Warden at August 31, 2007 11:03 AM (6ZFgu)

Kung Fu is China's version of professional wrestling.

Posted by: nk at August 31, 2007 11:04 AM (oB4DP)

36 Shaolin monks wruv you wrong time.

Posted by: Editor at August 31, 2007 11:06 AM (SJCkB)

4 reasons Ninjas can kick a Shaolin monks ass:

1. Ninjas are mammals

2. Ninjas fight all the time

3. The purpose of the Ninja is to flip out and kill people

4. Ninjas are cool; And by cool, I mean totally sweet

http://www.realultimatepower.net/index4.htm

Posted by: theBman at August 31, 2007 11:07 AM (/vN7m)

That ninja's name?

Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal in: Embarassing Shaolin Temple.

Posted by: Zorachus at August 31, 2007 11:08 AM (Tmbny)

39 Bigby's Grasping Hand. Or maybe Finger of Death.

Posted by: Al at August 31, 2007 11:09 AM (Lk931)

40 Turns out the Shaolin monks DO have a sense of humor. They've been reading this thread and texting "R.O.R." to each other on their cell phones.

Posted by: notropis at August 31, 2007 11:29 AM (zr8/n)

41 Seriously, though, I doubt most of the monks really care. This is
just the commies trying to whip up anti-Japanese sentiment in Beijing.

Posted by: sandy burger at August 31, 2007 11:29 AM (ePQxy)

42 "When you can snatch this business card from my hand, then you will have learned." - Larry Craig to the arresting officer

Posted by: Elston Gunn at August 31, 2007 11:38 AM (EW1Cm)

43 I heard that the Japanese TV show Silent Library
came to Shaolin, but the monks failed to stay quiet as they endured
wasabi rolls, terrible smells, a machine which punches you in the nuts,
and various other instruments of Japanese television hilarity.

The
fact that the monks could not defeat their competition on the game show
showed that they were named as kung fu masters in vain.

Posted by: sandy burger at August 31, 2007 11:38 AM (ePQxy)

What's the matter, General Tso?

Chicken?

Posted by: See-Dubya at August 31, 2007 12:15 PM (1gdFs)

45 The Shaolin monks were not defeated by a ninja. I am obliged to set the record straight regarding this unfortunate incident, which is all a big misunderstanding.

Posted by: Michael at August 31, 2007 12:24 PM (QVQW1)

46 Wait, they're Buddhist?

So, they take advice from a morbidly obese guy on personal sacrifice and selflessness. Really?

...

That was just mean, I should probably apologize for that... but I'm not going to.

Posted by: Gekkobear at August 31, 2007 12:27 PM (X0NX1)

47 I was there in May 2004. The Red Guards destroyed the temple in the '60's during the Cultural Revolution and the place was rebuilt in 1995. The monks and the Kung Fu kids-in-training seem nice enough but the fact is it's just a big tourist trap. Sorry.

Posted by: mikey at August 31, 2007 12:28 PM (moR1g)

I wouldn't mess with Shaolin monks.

Just say sorry.

Posted by: Oops at August 31, 2007 12:30 PM (b1kNy)

49 Most young Shaolin monks dream of growing up to be just like Chuck Norris.

Instead, most young Shaolin monks grow up to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Posted by: scooter (not libby) at August 31, 2007 12:50 PM (4wR/C)

50 "Your mother cooks with imported rice."

Posted by: John F Not Kerry at August 31, 2007 01:14 PM (4gHqM)

I smell Larry Craig's next career!

They work out naked, right?

Posted by: The Puppet-Master Extraordinaire at August 31, 2007 01:15 PM (NnpEK)

The Ninja did not defeat them in the physical sense. He simply walked in and asked ,"What is the sound of one chop-stick snacking?"

And then he demonstrated his wide stance.

Posted by: captkidney at August 31, 2007 01:17 PM (ROA4D)

The number of manifestations of Buddha is infinite, Gekkobear.

I suggest you look out for the manifestation that's coming to kick your ass.

Posted by: ushie at August 31, 2007 01:23 PM (8nB5X)

The various forms of the Shaolin gungfu:

Monkey style : scream loudly and throw feces at the enemy

Tiger style : hide from the enemy

Dragon style : in close quarters combat, breath on the enemy with your halitosis

Fuck Lion style : Fo real. Don't fuck wit me.

Snake style : When all else fails, squirm and bite

Posted by: Entropy at August 31, 2007 01:36 PM (HgAV0)

55 I don't know Shaolin from Shinola

Posted by: ArrMatey at August 31, 2007 01:37 PM (lsELZ)

56 The ninja won because he timed his attack to when all the monks were carrying those charcoal things into the snow.

Posted by: eman at August 31, 2007 01:40 PM (F/DIG)

Turns out the Shaolin monks DO have a sense of humor. They've been reading this thread and texting "R.O.R." to each other on their cell phones.

Holy. Shit. That is funny...

Posted by: Entropy at August 31, 2007 01:41 PM (HgAV0)

58 The mere existence of John Bolton's mustache demonstrates they were named kung fu masters in vain.

Posted by: cobalt blue at August 31, 2007 01:46 PM (IkTb7)

59
The Shaolin haven't been the same since their Slow Motion Machine broke.

Posted by: TheSev at August 31, 2007 01:51 PM (bajTN)

60 "Holy. Shit. That is funny..."

I gotta admit I stole it from that usually totally lame, supposedly hip morning news show, the Daily Buzz, from a story about the Chinese New Year:

http://www.dailybuzz.tv/

And nobody seemed to get it on their set. But it cracked me up. However my daughter informs me that "it's mean."

Too much public school.

Posted by: notropis at August 31, 2007 02:03 PM (zr8/n)

61 Notropis, inform your daughter that all the Japanese I ever met, thought my attempts at their language hilarious. Accents are funny but they also mean that someone speaks at least two languages.

Posted by: captkidney at August 31, 2007 02:31 PM (ROA4D)

62 Foolish monks! Your Kung Fu; it is no good. I will defeat you - and your master as well! Why hesitate?

Posted by: BDavis at August 31, 2007 06:14 PM (K1m9b)

63 Many Shaolin masters shave their heads.

But most of them shouldn't. They have poorly shaped heads.

Posted by: Scott Crawford at August 31, 2007 06:28 PM (MnRx3)

64 A Shaolin monk once asked me to snatch the pebble from his hand.

I snatched a Glock 21 from my holster instead.

This showed that he was named a kung fu master in vain.

Posted by: Dead Career Sketch at August 31, 2007 07:30 PM (NdG3x)

Fatty, you with your fat face have hurt my hand.

I am unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Bullets are hot--why do I feel so cold.

All that aside, I would have paid money to see this in reality. Well, at least a dollar.

Posted by: nudge, nudge at August 31, 2007 08:31 PM (6BtMV)

It wasn't fair!!!

The ninja had a naked friend with him ,who distracted us,while he stole our case of beer!

Posted by: shoalin monks @ first temple of Budda and beer at September 01, 2007 05:16 AM (ROA4D)

Shaolin monk gay porn: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Macchio."

Bring condoms...

Posted by: Squatch at September 01, 2007 11:52 AM (1xIpv)

Shaolin monk gay porn: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Macchio."

Bring condoms..

I called that movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Chickflick".

Posted by: captkidney at September 01, 2007 12:51 PM (ROA4D)

69 “The so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet
user to apologize to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did,”
the Beijing News said, citing a notice announced by a lawyer for the
Shaolin monks.

Shaolin monks have lawyers?? Honestly, this could change the shape of Killer Chinese Theater for generations. In a bad way.

Posted by: VRWC Agent at September 03, 2007 06:17 PM (Z3AmO)

70 Hmmm.

Shaolin monks?

Didn't I see a movie where Scooby-Doo whups their asses?

Or was it Scooby-Doo giving a beat-down on the Yeti?

Something like that. Anyways how tough can they be when a cartoon dog can beat'em up?

Posted by: memomachine at September 04, 2007 08:26 AM (3pvQO)

71 MTS Converter,MKV Converter,MKV Converter,DVD to iPod Converter Mac

Posted by: ghtdsh at February 05, 2009 03:36 PM (b40qC)

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