Ace of Spades HQ

March 31, 2007

Grindhouse Review By Neil Cumpston
— Ace

The guy isn't writing reviews; he's writing comedy, playing the character of a demented 12-year-old retard. So don't take this seriously, but it is seriously funny.

Remember, when George W. Bush was elected, and he said that thing about how, by 2008, wed have movies that would explode in our balls like a shotgun filled with handjobs?
Well, that promise came true two days ago when I saw GRINDHOUSE in Hollywood. Except not only was it a shotgun full of handjobs exploding in my balls, but also my balls suddenly knew how to make fire using karate. All from seeing GRINDHOUSE, a movie thats made of screaming car crash zombie boobs.
...
PLANET OF TERROR is directed by Robert Rodriquez, which is all I need to say. In fact, instead of his name on poster saying, Directed By, he can legally change his name to a picture of a naked Viking woman on a snowmobile with flamethrowers out the back and the flamethrowers are killing a Yeti. Thats the level of guaranteed quality his name brings to stuff.
...
Actually, the fake trailers are kind of a bummer, because I really wish they werent fake. Maybe the government will put some dont be a pussy drug in the water supply, and everyone will go see this instead of PILLOW FIGHT AND SCENTED CANDLES AND BOREDOM, or whatever Sandra Bullock movies coming out, and theyll make more of these.
Then the second movie started. Its called DEATH PROOF. You know what it isnt-PROOF? Boner-inducing proof.
...
DEATH PROOF is about this dude, Driver Mike, and hes played by Kurt Plissken, and goddamn but that dude just gets more bad-ass as he gets older. You know how Sly Stallone kind of looks like Bea Arthur now, and Jean-Claude Van Damme looks like Ally Sheedy? Well, Kurt Plissken looks like a dumpster full of drop kicks. He could fuck a bulldozer into eight Mini Coopers. Fuck, I should pitch that to someone.
...
First 300 and now this? I think the summer of 2007 just went, Hey, let me take you to a free taquito buffet and you eat all these taquitos and then the summer goes, Here comes a foot to your stomach, but you go, Its full of taquitos but its too late theres a boot in your stomach only the boot is really a motorcycle and you puke up a bikini girl who blows you and then kills your boss with a hammer.
Thats what GRINDHOUSE is. Its a taquito buffet that you puke up after getting hit with a motorcycle, and it turns into a bikini chick that blows you and kills your boss with a hammer.
Rodriguez and Tarantino probably dont read this site, but someone should tell them they can use that last paragraph as a quick blurb.

Thanks to The Comish.

Posted by: Ace at 08:10 AM | Comments (25)
Post contains 486 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Oh, god, another Sundance artsy fartsy film about gay cowboys eating pudding. When are we gonna get another film like 300 with some decent tits and action?

Posted by: richard mcenroe at March 31, 2007 08:45 AM (NIgqX)

“movies that would explode in our balls like a shotgun filled with handjobs”?

Damn thats a good line.

Posted by: Aint it Amish at March 31, 2007 08:46 AM (OEbrS)

3 They filmed some of the Death Proof stuff in Austin on Lavaca and W 15th Street. Tarantino is just as weird/ugly in person as on TV. I guess not only does the camera add 10 pounds, it also can't hide down to the bone ugly. Never did see "Snake" as most of the scenes were filmed at night. They used the Texas Chili Parlor on Lavaca to film the inside scenes.

Posted by: Theresa, MSgt (ret), USAF at March 31, 2007 08:49 AM (skP2w)

4 Ace, I think you found a new co-blogger.

Posted by: Sinistar at March 31, 2007 09:13 AM (bSYRF)

Ace, I think you found a new co-blogger

That, or someone who can turn Rosetta into a straight woman.

Posted by: Paulitics at March 31, 2007 09:38 AM (47+Ys)

6 With a name like Neil Cumstain, it'd *better* be funny.

What?

Posted by: Additional Blond Agent at March 31, 2007 11:09 AM (DQDJU)

7 More of this, please.

Posted by: Nom de Blog at March 31, 2007 11:50 AM (+Juee)

8 Bullshit, that was ACE writing the review.

Posted by: mcgurk at March 31, 2007 12:27 PM (8GzzQ)

9 From this day forward, Kurt Russell will be known to me as Kurt Plissken.

Posted by: Muskwa at March 31, 2007 01:35 PM (i3QB9)

The directors – more about them in a second (there’s TWO!) – wanted to recreate the way movies were back in the 1920’s, when you could sell a script that was one page that just said, “TITS THEN A MONSTER THEN MORE TITS THEN AN EXPLOSION THEN BONUS TITS” and everyone knew what you were talking about.

That's pretty much my take on Starship Troopers.

Posted by: Entropy at March 31, 2007 01:42 PM (Uh5fR)

!!!WARNING, MAJOR SPOILER!!!

Rose McGowan will make you cluster-spooge in your pants.

!!!END SPOILER!!!

My god, this man is a genius.

Posted by: Entropy at March 31, 2007 01:48 PM (Uh5fR)

12 When are we gonna get another film like 300 with some decent tits and action?

Are you referring to the tits on the guys?

Posted by: Ed Snate at March 31, 2007 02:42 PM (F6h+6)

13 Kurt Plissken?! I thought he was dead!

Posted by: JFH at March 31, 2007 03:05 PM (c+Pwv)

14 Well, Kurt Plissken looks like a dumpster full of drop kicks. He could fuck a bulldozer into eight Mini Coopers.

Somewhere, Chuck Norris is getting ready to roundhouse kick someone's ass for stealing a line from his resume.

Posted by: CrankyProf at March 31, 2007 03:10 PM (Pt0Hz)

15 His review of "300" is also quite good.

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your
balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s
called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but
they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.

Dude's insane, but funny.

Posted by: Slublog at March 31, 2007 03:25 PM (6WBr3)

16 That was a boner-inducing review.

Posted by: boure at March 31, 2007 03:38 PM (9YONe)

17 If the Rose McGoawn in the movie looks like the Rose McGowan on last
week's Entertainment Weekly cover, I'll be spooging to reruns of Charmed, thank you. She lost WAY too much weight, IMO.

Posted by: Dr. Remulak at March 31, 2007 06:04 PM (sh490)

18 Ed -- Whatever floats yer galley.

Posted by: richard mcenroe at March 31, 2007 07:32 PM (NIgqX)

19 Starship Troopers was damn near devoid of tits. Still, damn near perfect movie.

Posted by: Barry in CO at March 31, 2007 09:25 PM (kKjaJ)

20 damn near used that phrase too many times.

Posted by: Barry in CO at March 31, 2007 09:25 PM (kKjaJ)

21 I dunno--I didn't much like those movies back in the '70s, when that was the standard of movie-making. Driller Killer, White Line Fever, Billy Jack...Gawd, they were awful.

Posted by: ushie at April 01, 2007 10:02 AM (s3gta)

HA!!!!

That's the best movie review I've ever read. Actually that may be the best writing I've ever read.

I want to hang out and do Jaeger shots with that guy. And he DEFINITELY needs to be a commenter or a guest blogger here. And I want to know what kind of illicit drug cocktail he's on.

That, or someone who can turn Rosetta into a straight woman.

Paulitics,

Mrs. Paulitics already did that. Despite her enthusiasm for rubbing donuts, she's the worst lesbian ever. Seriously. Ack!

Posted by: Rosetta at April 01, 2007 01:54 PM (0/BHZ)

Another good read is The Filthy Critic. Kinda similar, but not really:

There is no reason to the story's twists because they are driven by the need to blow shit up at the expense of character development and plot. Along the way, there are many feeble attempts at humor that thud like the floor at a VFW hall on Amputee Dance Night.

Van Helsing is like riding shotgun with an ADD meth freak who keeps swerving onto sidestreets because "there's something totally cool I want to show you in this dumpster," when all you really want to do is get home.

http://www.bigempire.com/filthy/archive.html

Posted by: CJ at April 03, 2007 09:06 AM (9KqcB)

24 comment2,

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