Ace of Spades HQ

June 30, 2006

Funny Stuff
— LauraW.

Better Late Than Never

Selected favorites from Cool Facts About John Bolton's Moustache:

John Bolton's Moustache has had numerous "host beings" throughout history, including Doc Holliday, Jack the Ripper, and Rosie Perez.
-Ace
The real reason John Bolton's Moustache had a hard time getting appointed to being the Ambassador to the UN was because of his prolific but little known career in adult movies under the name Bolt Johnson's Moustache.
-Sortelli
Feng Shui or fengshui is the ancient Chinese practice of placement and arrangement of space to achieve harmony with JBM.
-Steve in hb
Spurwing Plover was a tenured professor of astrophysics at CalTech until he saw John Bolton's Moustache in his Mercedes' rearview mirror.
-Sue Dohnim
Indigenous Amazonian warriors rub their arrow tips on John Bolton's moustache before going hunting.
-skinbad
John Bolton's Mustache started off gray. It turned white after defeating the Balrog.
-BumperStickerist
There are actually Nine Moustaches of Power, but John Bolton's is The One Moustache That Binds Them.
-Ace
Homeland Security wants air marshalls to carry guns because giving them a piece of John Bolton's mustache is too crazy and dangerous.
-Sortelli
John Bolton's moustache took the long jump gold medal in 1968 in Mexico City.
-Dave in Texas
According to noted journalist Larry Flynt, John Bolton forced his wife to perform embarrasing menages a trois with his moustache.
-Caspera
In Mexico, John Bolton's moustache is called "Pelo del Diablo" and a festival is held in its honor each year to keep its wrath from destroying villages and taking lives.
-Slublog
ITS A FACT:
In June of 1939, Dick Cheneys Cock gave John Boltons moustache a Filthy Adolph-- nine months later, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his way out of Boltons face.
-Amish Moustache ride
"Paradise Lost" isn't really about the fall of Satan from heaven. It's about the time John Bolton shaved his moustache.
-Slublog

As always, there will be no prizes.

Posted by: LauraW. at 05:47 AM | Comments (51)
Post contains 321 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Not much happening 'round these parts, huh?

Posted by: wiserbud at June 30, 2006 05:59 AM (AQGeh)

2 zzzzzzzzz

Posted by: lauraw at June 30, 2006 06:07 AM (Vz8hp)

3 GEICO saved 15% by calling John Bolton's moustache.

Posted by: Evil Chihuahua at June 30, 2006 06:10 AM (mAhn3)

4 I hate to be the turd in the punchbowl, but I think this guy's moustache could kick JBM's ass. Fortunately, this is also a Republican moustache, and holds say at the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights.

Posted by: KM at June 30, 2006 06:13 AM (SxR3N)

5 Is it true? The Superman logo is now, “Truth, justice, and all that stuff”?

Are you people really going to spend you money on that crap?

Posted by: shawn at June 30, 2006 06:22 AM (yp3GE)

6 Bruce Lee's last words: " Moustache Kung Fu Strong..."

Posted by: Pupster at June 30, 2006 06:23 AM (9h6vV)

7 It makes sense, the only comic writers these days are all mealy-mouthed libs. If they could get away with "The European Way" and slap a beret on him they would.

Posted by: T. at June 30, 2006 06:30 AM (5YMbd)

8 I'm skipping Superman, but then, I don't care for comic books and comic book movies.

Plus, staring at his tights and anatomical codpiece for two hours will make me uncomfortable.

Posted by: adolfo velasquez at June 30, 2006 06:34 AM (Of5en)

9 On the radio they are reporting that Superman is no a metrosexual.

Posted by: shawn at June 30, 2006 06:38 AM (yp3GE)

10 Japanese Prime Minister, Koizumi is envious of John Bolton's Moustache, yet remains uncomfortable with its boastful nature.

Posted by: Uniball at June 30, 2006 06:43 AM (27iEn)

11 Superman is now a metrosexual. (I need a new keyboard.)

Posted by: shawn at June 30, 2006 06:44 AM (yp3GE)

12 Bolton's moustache is mentioned in the Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty (SALT). The Soviets wanted it dismantled and removed from our inventory in exchange for them reducing their nuke silos by an additional 50%.

Posted by: El Capitan at June 30, 2006 06:45 AM (Rw/yc)

13 I heard that Zarqawi, in his last released message, questioned the manhood of Bolton's mustache.

The US missle drop was just a cover to clean up the grisly aftermath.

Posted by: adolfo velasquez at June 30, 2006 06:48 AM (Of5en)

14 El Captain.

Negotiations broke down when the Russkies wanted the moustache cut into pieces and left in open field so that Soviet satellites could verify. They could not find anything hard enough to cut the moustache, and Dick Cheney refused to assist.

Posted by: Tushar D at June 30, 2006 06:59 AM (h76y6)

15 “The latest video released by Osama Bin Laden was a 30 minute condemnation of (pauses and licks lips) John Bolton's Moustache.”

Posted by: Anderson Cooper at June 30, 2006 07:02 AM (27iEn)

16 From the AQIS, About the Superman slogan(s):Before World War II, Superman fought "a never-ending battle for truth and justice." Back then, that was enough.

By the time the first live-action Superman hit the screen — Kirk Alyn, in a 1948 serial — the lessons of World War II, particularly in the gas chambers of Europe, were obvious. That's why Pa Kent tells young Clark he must always use his powers "in the interests of truth, tolerance and justice."

It wasn't until Superman came to television in the 1950's that the phrase became codified in the form most of us remember it: "a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the American way."

Posted by: Roy at June 30, 2006 07:13 AM (2XXia)

17 Re: Roy's link -

Trust the NY Times to print an article downplaying the important of "the American Way" to Superman's essence. Look how proud the author is that the phrase is omitted (making an obligatory right-wing reference):

Some people are now objecting to the fact that "Superman Returns" omits the phrase. Perry White asks his reporters to find out more about the Man of Steel after his five-year absence. "Does he still stand for truth, justice, all that stuff?" he says. Right-wing blogs are already red-faced at the slight.

There's no reason to be upset. Superman is right back where he began: fighting a never-ending battle for truth and justice. That should be enough to occupy any man. Even a Superman.

Posted by: T. at June 30, 2006 07:26 AM (5YMbd)

18 Man, I don't even remember writing that comment about the air marshalls. I must have been touched by the power of John Bolton's Moustache.

Posted by: Sortelli at June 30, 2006 07:37 AM (JV5Qt)

19 Perry White asks his reporters to find out more about the Man of Steel after his five-year absence. "Does he still stand for truth, justice, and John Bolton's Moustache?"

Posted by: Uniball at June 30, 2006 07:48 AM (27iEn)

20 OT.

Good news (OK, I'm evil). Rob Schneider has collapsed on the set of his latest movie from food poisonong (a disgruntled moviegoer?) and heat exhaustion.

Please Rob, retire and stop making crappy movies. For your own good, if you know what I mean.

Posted by: jmchez at June 30, 2006 07:55 AM (JY98e)

21 "There are actually Nine Moustaches of Power, but John Bolton's is The One Moustache That Binds Them." -Ace

Silly but priceless.

Posted by: cary at June 30, 2006 08:01 AM (AhCOe)

22 Physicists have recently discovered that the Strong Nuclear Force is simply a 11-dimensional shadow of JBM.

Posted by: Thingfinger at June 30, 2006 08:57 AM (41Dd+)

23 Rumor has it you can capture John Boulton's Moustache by sprinkling salt on it. From the looks of it, many have tried...

Posted by: sylvan at June 30, 2006 09:21 AM (ai+sN)

24 Before there was John Bolton's mustache, there was the idea of John Bolton's mustache.
---Aristotle (or Plato ... one of those guys)

Posted by: bill Spencer at June 30, 2006 09:31 AM (RcbBs)

25 John Bolton's Moustache has been living a double life as Paul Anka ever since the real Paul Anka died in 1972. John Bolton's Moustache, therefore, is the only fucking thing that matters an ANY stage.

Posted by: late to the party at June 30, 2006 10:07 AM (NZy2G)

26 They got the idea for a space elevator using superstrong Carbon Nanotube ribbons, after studying JBM.

The ropeways that take you up a skiing slope? Inspired from JB's pubes.

Posted by: Tushar D at June 30, 2006 10:16 AM (h76y6)

27 There is a simple rationale to explain the full bushiness of JB's 'stache:
He doesn't like layers.

Posted by: Tom M at June 30, 2006 12:10 PM (d6bNm)

28 John Bolton's moustache can totally resist Kryptonite.

It just laughs.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 30, 2006 03:01 PM (pPXJO)

29 Contrary to popular belief, Hurricane Katrina was not caused by Karl Rove's Evil Weather Device.

No, John Bolton's Moustache was pisssed at the pansy little bartender in a French Quarter dive that cut him off.

All it took was one sneeze, man...

Posted by: crankyprof at June 30, 2006 03:31 PM (Pt0Hz)

30 How can they tell if JACK THE RIPPER had a moustache when they dont know what he looked like?

Posted by: spurwing plover at June 30, 2006 03:54 PM (PAJqa)

31 John Bolton's Mustache makes Jack Bauer cry.

Posted by: JD at June 30, 2006 05:43 PM (8RT5r)

32 John Bolton's Mustache once beat John Henry in a steel driving contest.

Without using a hammer.

Posted by: N. O'Brain at July 01, 2006 06:09 AM (NlS3l)

33 In 1415 the English and Welsh army under the command of King Henry V killed 5,000 French soldiers by employing a fearsome new weapon.

They want you to believe it was the longbow.

That's what they want you to think.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at July 01, 2006 07:14 AM (3ARBk)

34 Rumor has it you can capture John Boulton's Moustache by sprinkling salt on it. From the looks of it, many have tried...

...but none have survived.

Posted by: OregonMuse at July 01, 2006 07:57 AM (jqv3S)

35 It was said that russias PETER THE GREAT went around with sizors and snipped the beards off all the men with them becuase he thought it made them look too backwards

Posted by: spurwing plover at July 01, 2006 08:38 AM (ba9dN)

36 "...but none have survived.

Posted by OregonMuse at July 1, 2006 12:57 PM"

"I teel ya it's a grrreat, sharrrp pointy mustache"

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