Ace of Spades HQ

August 31, 2007

Freakin' Hippies
— LauraW.

You hate 'em, right?
Always popping off about Freedom and Choice while also constantly telling others what they should or cannot do with their own property.

BERKELEY, Calif. (AP) -- Authorities erected an 8-foot chain-link fence to separate tree-sitting protesters occupying a University of California oak grove from more than 72,000 football fans expected to descend on campus Saturday.

They're perched in trees playing guitar. Opposing progress, in favor of the non revenue-producing chiggers and squirrels. As usual.

A small group has been roosting in the grove since December to protest the planned removal of dozens of trees to make way for a $125 million athletic center. The university has sent e-mails to fans asking them to be tolerant of the tree sitters even as some Cal backers complain that delaying the new facility is hurting the success of the school's football program.

If the university wishes to be indulgent, so be it. Don't evict the protestors. Let the trees stand, and let the silly children stay up in the trees as long as they wish.

But definitely kill the trees. We have the technology. The County Extension Office can provide helpful hints on which soil or bark applications will work for this situation.

The trees' demise will inexorably lead to the protestors abandoning their cause as lost, but more importantly will yield sweet news video of weeping, defeated hippies climbing down from dead trees.

'Must-see TV.'

Bonus video below the jump.

Posted by: LauraW. at 07:41 AM | Comments (68)
Post contains 246 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Time to break out the Slayer CDs

Posted by: Techie at August 31, 2007 07:51 AM (T+8Gr)

2 Laura,
I must disagree with you, I say kill the hippies first, then bulldoze the trees down to make way for $125 Million of beautiful concrete and steel.

Oh, and to ablate the guilt, plant a few trees around the new building.

And if you feel real bad about killing the hippies, burn a stick of incense.

Posted by: Mr Minority at August 31, 2007 07:52 AM (udWnw)

3 I understand a small amount of ice cream salt applied near the tap root will work wonders.

Posted by: See-Dubya at August 31, 2007 07:53 AM (1gdFs)

The university has sent e-mails to fans asking them to be tolerant of the tree sitters even as some Cal backers complain that delaying the new facility is hurting the success of the school's football program.

I'd love to see this played out at any school in the Big 12. Fire Up the Chainsaws Boys.

Posted by: Sticky B at August 31, 2007 07:54 AM (2fjDQ)

5 The guys over at Deadspin are having a field day with this one.

Posted by: Ted Nugent's Soul Patch at August 31, 2007 07:56 AM (+0Ms0)

I gotta admit, that's a pretty clever way to deal with them is just poison the trees.

I'm less subtle then that. I would have opted for just cutting the trees down with the hippies in them, or shooting the hippies out of the tree with a tranq gun.

The authorities have the balls to do none of these options. They're too busy giving people tickets for smoking in public and not wearing seat belts.

Posted by: Entropy at August 31, 2007 07:56 AM (m6c4H)

7 Die Hippie, Die! is one of my favorite South Park episodes.

Stupid hippies.

Posted by: sinistar at August 31, 2007 07:56 AM (qCp9p)

8
They've already been up there for 9 months. Killing the trees takes too long. Cut them down! Personally, I think that would be very funny. What would a hippy do? Scurry down as fast as possible?

Posted by: sparky at August 31, 2007 07:57 AM (KVQhs)

9 Scurry down as fast as possible?

Or maybe ride it all the way down... like Slim Pickens.

Posted by: A. Weasel at August 31, 2007 08:03 AM (bqcfE)

10 "If I remember correctly, these trees were originally planted by the University, so it's not like they're cutting down old growth forests."

Old growth makes the highest grade lumber. Cut it down too.

Posted by: Reiver at August 31, 2007 08:03 AM (uPXVD)

You could take a cordless drill with something like a 16" wood bit (or longer), tap the trees at a 45 degree downward angle, and pour in herbicide...I bet you could kill them right quick.

Then, when they're all dried out, light them on fire.

Posted by: Entropy at August 31, 2007 08:04 AM (m6c4H)

Can't they just crop dust the area with some sort of hippie/tree killing poison?

Posted by: pajama momma at August 31, 2007 08:05 AM (Tbl5c)

13
Old growth makes the highest grade lumber. Cut it down too.

You can't cut down old growth timber.....it has to burn.

Posted by: A. Weasel at August 31, 2007 08:06 AM (bqcfE)

14 Shameless self-promotion: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrTbICPIhbc

Posted by: Mr Snuggle Bunny at August 31, 2007 08:06 AM (tK59/)

15 Take a large box full of soap and shampoo and put it near the tree. The hippies will vanish before you can say 'shower'.

Posted by: Tushar D at August 31, 2007 08:09 AM (IlgNp)

You could take a cordless drill with something like a 16" wood bit (or longer), tap the trees at a 45 degree downward angle, and pour in herbicide...I bet you could kill them right quick.

Then, when they're all dried out, light them on fire.

Why do that to a tree when there are perfectly good hippies to drill holes in, poison and light on fire?

Posted by: Hollowpoint at August 31, 2007 08:09 AM (plsiE)

17 Just hammer a rusty nail into the trunk, laugh at the smelly hippies and let them live in the dying trees through the rainy season.

Posted by: mbruce at August 31, 2007 08:11 AM (LLCm9)

18 I don't mind hippies so much, they are pretty harmless nowadays. I don't like the more militant leftist student radicals, but hippies are just kind of dopey.

Hippie chicks in college are supposed to be easy. I know for a fact that hippie guys had easy access to weed, shrooms and acid.

A good alternative is to just have the football team pull them down.

Posted by: Uniball at August 31, 2007 08:28 AM (27iEn)

A strategic deployment of native biting insects might be helpful as well.

Posted by: lauraw at August 31, 2007 08:28 AM (sd1kp)

20 They're perched in trees playing guitar. Opposing progress, in favor of the non revenue-producing chiggers and squirrels.

We should immediately pull our squirrels out of Iran to infiltrate this bunch. Learn 'em what squirrel power is all about.

Posted by: Dr. Evil at August 31, 2007 08:28 AM (Agysp)

21 Damn, where'd I leave my slingshot?...

Posted by: mojo at August 31, 2007 08:32 AM (g1cNf)

22 Mojo,
No shit, where are the juvenile delinquents when you need them. These guys would be easy targets where I grew up. Our Wrist Rockets would be accurate and we would have been laughing with glee.

Posted by: Uniball at August 31, 2007 08:35 AM (27iEn)

23 I see a fundraising opportunity. Get a bunch of axes and charge people a dollar a whack on the trunks of the trees. All proceeds of the money to be donated to the athletic project. Could raise a few grand for the U and have some good, wholesome family fun.

Posted by: JackStraw at August 31, 2007 08:37 AM (t+mja)

24 Does Gabriel Malor know how many International Laws Cartman is breaking in that South Park clip?

Posted by: Kasper Hauser at August 31, 2007 08:38 AM (KeOQp)

25 What, are they gonna save like, 4 trees? Isn't there some kind of loitering law that could be enforced?

Posted by: bmac at August 31, 2007 08:41 AM (lwGnE)

26 Just tell the 72,000 fans that the tree huggers are from Stanford and the fence, hippies and trees will be history.

Posted by: MamaAJ at August 31, 2007 08:44 AM (X6Zdh)

27 Agent Orange. You could get one of those planes they use to fight fires and fill it up with some dioxin. Those trees will be gone quick. However, the smelly hippies will reap their Agent Orange reward over a longer period of time.

Posted by: cranky at August 31, 2007 08:45 AM (h/o8K)

28 Wiserbud has the right idea. Fence it off, don't let anyone in, but let anyone leave. Eventually, they'll run out of dope, patchouli, and incense and then they'll want to leave.

Posted by: OregonMuse at August 31, 2007 08:50 AM (//J4f)

As insane as Ann Arbor is these hippies would be dead before dawn if they got in the way of the football team.

At East Lansing, just put out a few kegs and a few couches. The trees, hippies, and couches will all be alight before 2:00 a.m.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at August 31, 2007 08:56 AM (O9Cc8)

The most annoying thing, in my mind, is that their shenanigans have been indulged for all this time.

If they had been summarily booted out by police on the very first day, the reality that you cannot appropriate other people's property just because you disapprove of what they're doing with it would have been firmly established, along with the consequences of acting the public ass, in their minds.

But no, let them stomp their feet and live in an alternate dreamverse a little while longer.

This is how we as a society raise thirty-year old tantrum-throwing children.

Posted by: lauraw at August 31, 2007 08:57 AM (sd1kp)

31 easy access to weed, shrooms and acid

Mmmmmmm....

Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, hippies. Get out of that tree, stupid hippies!

Posted by: sandy burger at August 31, 2007 08:57 AM (Uuy++)

Wiserbud has the right idea. Fence it off, don't let anyone in, but let anyone leave. Eventually, they'll run out of dope, patchouli, and incense and then they'll want to leave.

The thing is, if they had just done absolutely nothing at all, some drunk football fans probably would have taken care of it for them for free.

They're actually aiding and abetting the hippies squatting in their trees.

Posted by: Entropy at August 31, 2007 09:01 AM (m6c4H)

33 Take a large box full of soap and shampoo and put it near the tree. The hippies will vanish before you can say 'shower'.

Dude, that's just....cruel.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at August 31, 2007 09:06 AM (tVbxd)

34 I have to say, my first thought was there's nothing like a fire. Just sayin'.

As insane as Ann Arbor is these hippies would be dead before dawn if they got in the way of the football team.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Posted by: alexthechick at August 31, 2007 09:19 AM (SHHaV)

35 Hippie chicks in college are supposed to be easy.

It's not just the ones in college and they're more than just easy. If you're willing to at least make a half-assed attempt at acting like you're into the same things they are, they'll help pay you pay your bills, buy groceries for you, and sometimes even let you move in with them. You can usually get 3 to 6 months of mooching time from one hippy chick, with the bonus of getting laid on a regular basis.

Posted by: forged rite at August 31, 2007 09:29 AM (2YCJj)

This problem will take care of itself once the Tennessee Volunteers roll into town on Saturday night and crush the California Bears.

The unprecedented weeping from the Cal faithful will saturate the area with salty tears, causing the trees to wither and die.

Posted by: TXMarko at August 31, 2007 09:32 AM (G0rZY)

37 The organizor of the protest is a Mr. Zachary Running Wolf, who ran for Berkeley mayor in 2006. He promised to expose politicians who 'subject our children to fear tactics' and would also instate a '100% biodiesel usage' for city vehicles.

http://www.ci.berkeley.ca.us/elections/candidates/2006/mayor/runningwolf.htm

Peace-lovin' hippy? Not so much. He was arrested for threatening a UCPD officer and bailed out for $40,000. Any bets he protests the system by skipping court dates?

The Cal Daily Clog has more of Running Wolf's exploits below

http://clog.dailycal.org/?q=runningwolf

Posted by: not that ryan at August 31, 2007 09:40 AM (iZ4CI)

38 You could take a cordless drill with something like a 16" wood bit (or
longer), tap the trees at a 45 degree downward angle, and pour in
herbicide...I bet you could kill them right quick.

Actually, anti-freeze would be faster. Just sayin'...

But I'm in favor of just getting out the chainsaws and having at it - hippies in the tree or not. "Get the fuck down - or else you come down with the tree, assholes!"

TIM-BERRRRRR!

Posted by: Bruce at August 31, 2007 09:40 AM (2q+Ss)

I say line the base of the trees with razor wire. Far enough out from the base that no one would be able to even throw them supplies and even jumping from the top of the tree would land them sqarely in the middle of said razor wire.

No one gets in, no one gets out, and the added bonus of watching starving hippies wade through razor wire to get some tofu.

Posted by: theBman at August 31, 2007 09:42 AM (/vN7m)

40 If you're willing to at least make a half-assed attempt at acting like you're into the same things they are

*record screech* JUST STOP RIGHT THERE MISTER.

Posted by: not that ryan at August 31, 2007 09:42 AM (iZ4CI)

Just let my dog in there and he'd know what to do to them! Ewuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I could sell the university offsets if it would make them feel better.

Posted by: lonelyguy52 at August 31, 2007 09:47 AM (GIlB0)

42 Are the tree sitters taking turns with their idiot bretheren selling their shit down near Sather Gate? I had no idea they were that industrious.

Posted by: mikeyslaw at August 31, 2007 09:53 AM (yrptY)

43 All these creative solutions to a problem when the simplest will do.

Caterpillar.

Good enough for Corrie, good enough for hippie.

Posted by: malphonse at August 31, 2007 10:06 AM (p1s9n)

Is this part of the Bay Area disappearing up its own asshole?

Smug alert!

Posted by: Francase at August 31, 2007 10:19 AM (pLKkB)

45 "Opposing progress, in favor of the non revenue-producing chiggers and squirrels."

Disgusting. Ace, they're called redbug Americans, not chiggers, you racist bastard.

Posted by: Kevin at August 31, 2007 10:32 AM (f0QzP)

46 Er, I meant Laura, not ace. And bastardess, not bastard.

Posted by: Kevin at August 31, 2007 10:33 AM (f0QzP)

Fire ants.

Problem solved.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at August 31, 2007 10:38 AM (pzen5)

48 #13 pajama momma:
"Can't they just crop dust the area with some sort of hippie/tree killing poison?"

Yeah, Paraquat.

Posted by: blackflag at August 31, 2007 11:10 AM (Mq5jS)

49 Cripes sake!
Cut a ring around the bark to expose the grain and watch them all age, smell and decay. The trees will go soon, too.

Posted by: Tom M at August 31, 2007 11:30 AM (d6bNm)

50 Chop the trees down with the hippies in them. Nobody told them to stay, if they can't work out gravity, trespassing, and being a general nuisance while someone cuts the tree below them, tough luck.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at August 31, 2007 12:20 PM (wmgz8)

51 A similar situation developed here in lower Alabama. A developer wanted to cut down some large Live Oaks in a new development to better lay out lots (a plan that I thought would diminish the land value but heh, its his property). The local hippies chained themselves to the trees, intending to stay until the developer backed down. After meeting with representatives of the hippies, the developer solemnly agreed to reroute his roads to bypass the trees. When hippies left for the local pizzeria to celebrate their victory over The Man, the chain saws came out. Problem solved.

Posted by: toby928 at August 31, 2007 12:26 PM (evdj2)

52 (1)Hang a sign on the inside of that fence that says the football team sucks. (2)Set up a little stand selling small rocks(5$) and free Tequila shots with each purchase. Have a sign that says these are NOT for throwing at hippies. (3)Make the area right around the fence a dog walk that people don't have to clean. (4) Throw Oreos ath the base of the trees. When the skunks show up at night, nail them with rocks or pellet guns. The surprise and lack of a visible target will make them spray straight up. (5) Have a garbage bag toss contest, and fill the place with rotten shit and broken glass. As a Landlord, I know from how to get people out of a place. Anyways, once people fire up the grills and throw on Brats, or some good red meat, the smell will bring them down either because they are starving or want to protest that too.

Posted by: hutch1200 at August 31, 2007 01:09 PM (Lt1qB)

53 Adopt the meanest fuckin' dogs from the pound and throw them over the fence. Have the local Rock station hold a smelliest jock/sweatsock competition and throw all these garment into the trees.

Posted by: hutch1200 at August 31, 2007 01:19 PM (Lt1qB)

You morons, you're supposed to inflict the greatest amount of suffering on these filthy hippies in the trees.

LET LOOSE THE GIANT BEAVERS!

Posted by: ushie at August 31, 2007 01:37 PM (8nB5X)

LET LOOSE THE GIANT BEAVERS!

Not the dreaded "Vajay Jays of epic proportions"!

Posted by: captkidney at August 31, 2007 01:45 PM (ROA4D)

56 I had a friend in college, who, when faced with the stupidity of people like this, kind of illuminated their plight, if you know what I mean.

It was pretty funny.

Posted by: E Buzz Miller at August 31, 2007 02:22 PM (v/XJX)

57 Drop leaflets in S. Central that use the "N" word and sucks on it. Sign it "Tree Huggin Hippies of Berkley.

Posted by: hutch1200 at August 31, 2007 02:29 PM (Lt1qB)

58 I think forged rite and my brother are one and the same person...

Posted by: Militant Bibliophile at August 31, 2007 02:48 PM (rG7kD)

59 #5 Ted Nugent's Soul Patch

Link to Deadspin field day? Can't find it searching their site.

Posted by: Nobody at August 31, 2007 02:51 PM (3H6in)

60 Leave the hippies alone. Cal, its football program and the Berkeley can go eff themselves.

/queue soundtrack to Bless the Beasts and the Children.

Posted by: 13times at August 31, 2007 03:26 PM (cfOWY)

61 I want that tree DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his stump burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES!

Posted by: BDavis at August 31, 2007 06:19 PM (K1m9b)

62 #50:

Cripes sake!

Cut a ring around the bark to expose the grain and watch them all age, smell and decay. The trees will go soon, too.

We have a winner! Ringbarking the trees will inevitably kill them (the
trees, of course), and then the hippies will either leave voluntarily,
or fall out of the trees when the dead branches rot.

Perfect.

Posted by: Scott Crawford at August 31, 2007 06:33 PM (MnRx3)

63 Tell everyone you are going to relocate the trees. Remove them (hopefully with the hippies still perched) and then divert them to a waiting chipper. Many problems are solved at once!

Then "relocate" the resulting high-nutrient mulch to areas around campus that need it.

Trees get relocated, land gets opened up, hippies are gone, other plants benefit from the bioresources. Total cost is a single day's equipment rental.

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