Ace of Spades HQ

November 30, 2006

First-Time Novelist Wins Prize For Worst-Written Sex Scene Of Year
— Ace

The first-time author won for descriptions like this one, contained in Twentysomething: "everything is pure white as we're lost in a commotion of grunts and squeaks, flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little particles."

He's obviously never had sex. He completely misses the awkwardness, embarrassment, nauseau, chagrin, etc., so central to the sexual act.

Hollingshead, the underdog, clinched the title with his description "bulging trousers," judges told the Associated Press.
"Now in its 14th year, the Bad Sex award was won last year by Giles Coren for an unpunctuated 138-word description of coitus, followed by the two-word sentence, 'Like Zorro,'" according to the Guardian.

Like Zorro? That's freakin' good. How do they call that bad sex writing?

Posted by: Ace at 02:09 PM | Comments (59)
Post contains 141 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Was zorro a viking?

Posted by: Wickedpinto at November 30, 2006 02:16 PM (QTv8u)

2 This is amateur stuff.

Posted by: Jim Webb at November 30, 2006 02:16 PM (CTqCo)

3 What? You don't break into a million little particles?

Ok, it was 79 degrees yesterday, and it is now 30 degrees.
My nose is as cold as my cat's.

FYI

Posted by: Stormy70 at November 30, 2006 02:16 PM (7WJsV)

4 You in chicago stormy?

Yesterday I was ready to go swimming, today, I have soak my scrote in hot water, just to get my testicles to decend again.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at November 30, 2006 02:17 PM (QTv8u)

5 It sounded like litterary geenus to me. Want to see my pooter?

Posted by: lindsey lohan at November 30, 2006 02:17 PM (X98gI)

6 You must be impressed at our tight pants that increase our bulges!

Posted by: Two wild and crazy guys! at November 30, 2006 02:23 PM (h2HXW)

7 sex scenes in books are so ridiculous, simply do it off the cuff, and get back to felating your son. I don't wanna hear all this sex stuff, I wanna hear about the indonesian gradeschooler in a cage with a bear and a gaystick.

Really, get back to the story authors.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at November 30, 2006 02:27 PM (QTv8u)

8 I am in the Fort Worth suburbs!

Amarillo, though is where I grew up so I shjould be used to it by now.

Posted by: Stormy70 at November 30, 2006 02:28 PM (7WJsV)

9 Can't type, shivering.

Posted by: Stormy70 at November 30, 2006 02:29 PM (7WJsV)

Stormy's in South Texas, I believe. It's colder than a well-digger's ass down here today. 38 degrees, in fact, as I was leaving a Houston restaurant after lunch.

Brrr.

Oh, and WP beat me (and everyone else) to the most obvious comment of all. Of course Ace sees no problem with "Like Zorro", just as none of his regulars would.

Posted by: Patton at November 30, 2006 02:29 PM (ItE79)

11 Oops. North TX. Whatever. Still too damned cold here.

Posted by: Patton at November 30, 2006 02:30 PM (ItE79)

12 'Like Zorro'?

Shit. That was my line. Now all the ladies are going to think I've been copying from some lousy writer.

I need a new line.

Usually when faced with a problem like this I ask what would Ace do
(WWAD)? But in this case I don't think 'apologize profusely, sob
gently and compliment her on how woman like she is for a Latin Tranny,'
is going to do the trick.

Posted by: Drew at November 30, 2006 02:31 PM (gNyUT)

13 you mean the worst sex scene of the year didn't end with ace crying in the pillow and the $4.00 whore snaking his wallet?

Posted by: hobgoblin at November 30, 2006 02:39 PM (p1s9n)

14 everything is pure white as we're lost in a commotion of grunts and squeaks, flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little particles."

Boinking while Beaming Up - it's every Trekker's fantasy

Posted by: BumperStickerist at November 30, 2006 02:39 PM (dTi2n)

15 Ace, Dude,

Please tell us "awkwardness, embarrassment, nauseau, chagrin, etc" (sic) was a joke.

I'd hate to be the first to break the news to you that finding sex with a woman awkward, embarassing, and nauseating pretty much means that you are gay.

Posted by: seattle slough at November 30, 2006 02:42 PM (H5l9d)

16 My first instinct when I saw the "grunts and squeaks" I was thinking "How OLD IS THAT PUSSY DUDE!, you need to lube those hinges!"

Posted by: Wickedpinto at November 30, 2006 02:44 PM (QTv8u)

17 I thought everyone pulled out and spelled a Z on their girl's chest when they were done. And wore a mask. Guess that's just me.

Posted by: Zorro at November 30, 2006 02:45 PM (yHvEo)

18 Isn't that called a dirty zorro?

Posted by: richj at November 30, 2006 02:51 PM (Qrjpn)

19 My favorite will always be the National Lampoon story by Chris Miller that started out:

"'Uhhhhhmmuhhhhghhhgrummmmphhf!' said Susan"

Posted by: Kausper Hauser at November 30, 2006 02:51 PM (KeOQp)

20 'Grunts and squeaks' ? Ace, please tell me your day and a half off wasn't part of some plan to make your blog into an outpost of sicko furry fanfics.

Posted by: Sinistar at November 30, 2006 02:52 PM (5bI3V)

21 I've bought the screen rights and will play the leading role!"

Posted by: Screech at November 30, 2006 02:53 PM (KeOQp)

22 And that would explain the awkwardness, embarrassment and nausea.

Posted by: Sinistar at November 30, 2006 02:53 PM (5bI3V)

23 A rather short sex scene:

He laughed and giggled and made sticky-wet.
Jerzy Kozinski - "Being There"

Don't we all .... don't.we.all.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at November 30, 2006 02:58 PM (dTi2n)

24 That and the right angle minicock

Posted by: Wickedpinto at November 30, 2006 02:58 PM (QTv8u)

25 I thought jewelry was the way to go. Give 'em a pearl necklace

Posted by: morning wood at November 30, 2006 03:00 PM (+aNmG)

26 I did Brittany 'Like Zorro', that is where that scar over her poot came from.

Posted by: FedEx at November 30, 2006 03:03 PM (ZCbq9)

27 Sunny and 69 in Boston today.

No, really. That wasn't a sex joke.

Posted by: S. Weasel at November 30, 2006 03:10 PM (MecJo)

28 38? You're complaining about 38 in Texas?

Wussies.

We're supposed to drop into the low teens tonight in St. Louis. And we're WARM compared to some of the northern states during winter.

38 . . . sheesh.

Posted by: Hal at November 30, 2006 03:30 PM (XRFpM)

29 "squeaks"?

"squeaks"?

Zorro would never squeak. Go, zorro.

Posted by: at November 30, 2006 03:35 PM (lUqSN)

"How OLD IS THAT PUSSY DUDE!, you need to lube those hinges!"

I resent that.

Posted by: Stacey Dallas at November 30, 2006 03:36 PM (BPwgd)

31 Sonny and "69" here.

Just like I like it.

Posted by: Jim Webb at November 30, 2006 03:38 PM (2+/7m)

32 "...the herpes and gonnorrhea flowed past each other in a commotion of grunts and squeaks, flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little viruses. The exchange was complete. Like Zorro, I'd left my mark."

Posted by: genghis at November 30, 2006 03:42 PM (0/c+a)

33 btw, because this link was hard to find, here are the other passages from the shortlist.

I also found the '04 and '05 shortlists. The latter has the "Like Zorro" passage in question. First time I read that, I declared "Like Zorro" to be the two greatest words ever written.

The Updike passage is good too. I still laugh when I remember Ace riffing off the woman's legs forming an "M of Receptivity" - he said something along the lines of that reminding him of phone sex with Grover, "that dirty blue bastard."

Posted by: Mrs. Peel at November 30, 2006 04:04 PM (/+s2i)

34 38 degrees????

It got up to 35 today, hasn't been above freezing for 5 days. When I went to work
this morning it was 27, after mornings at 12, 15, and 9, I was sweating.

38 degrees....sad, so very sad.

Posted by: A. Weasel at November 30, 2006 04:04 PM (UBhIx)

35 ("ooh-la-jolly-well-la!" also amused me and my best friend for some time. "and, as things moved toward a conclusion, even 'Tally ho!'")

also, it is hellacold here today, and tomorrow night, instead of staying inside like any civilized person, I have to go to a stinkin' football game with my boyfriend. (His school, not mine; my school's bowl game is in sunny California.)

Posted by: Mrs. Peel at November 30, 2006 04:10 PM (/+s2i)

36 I have to go to a stinkin' football game with my boyfriend.
Posted by Mrs. Peel

Does Mr. Peel know about this?

Schwing!

Posted by: Rosetta at November 30, 2006 04:21 PM (CTqCo)

37 Mr. Peel is deceased.

Posted by: Master of None at November 30, 2006 04:30 PM (F2SxB)

38 or so we are led to believe

Posted by: Master of None at November 30, 2006 04:33 PM (F2SxB)

39 Technically, Mr. Peel is missing.

So, Rosetta, you're a chick?

Posted by: Mrs. Peel at November 30, 2006 04:34 PM (/+s2i)

40 " everything is pure white as we're lost in a commotion of grunts and squeaks, flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little particles."

No... that's when you fuck the light socket. Or so I've been told...

Posted by: richard mcenroe at November 30, 2006 04:34 PM (w+ipT)

41 Or is Mrs. Peel an Avengers TV/movie reference?

Uma, Oprah. Oprah, Uma.

Posted by: Rosetta at November 30, 2006 04:36 PM (CTqCo)

42 " everything is pure white as we're lost in a commotion of grunts and squeaks, flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little particles."

I seldom get past the grunts.

Posted by: Master of None at November 30, 2006 04:37 PM (F2SxB)

43 The whore and her client, a bushy-faced man in his late 30s, walked up the back stairs of his sublet apartment, passing by a confused roommate, to his little bedroom, which wreaked of dirty socks, the musty stench of old building, and dried spermatozoa.

"So?" she said.

"Um." he said.

"Whatchu want, pal?"

"Um."

"I ain't got all day."

He then whipped it out, squirted on her boobs and handed over the $30. Soon thereafter, he retired to the bathroom floor where he vomitted and curled up on a towel. Pure ecstasy, he thought as he slipped into unconsciousness. It's everything the guys at D&D had talked about.

Posted by: Feisty at November 30, 2006 04:38 PM (2Oi8H)

44 Uma played Mrs. Peel, I don't know about Oprah.

Posted by: Master of None at November 30, 2006 04:39 PM (F2SxB)

45 what did you spend the $30 on?

Posted by: Master of None at November 30, 2006 04:43 PM (F2SxB)

46 NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! DIANA RIGG!

Saying "Uma played Mrs. Peel" is like saying "[What's-her-name from Pirates of the Caribbean] played Elizabeth Bennet."

Posted by: Mrs. Peel at November 30, 2006 04:43 PM (/+s2i)

47 Sorry, my mistake. I just saw that she was in the movie version, but didn't realize EXACTLY what role.

Posted by: Master of None at November 30, 2006 04:45 PM (F2SxB)

48 What a minute. Uma did play A Mrs. Peel. Just not THE Mrs. Peel.

Posted by: Master of None at November 30, 2006 04:48 PM (F2SxB)

49 " everything is pure white as we're lost in a commotion of grunts and
squeaks, flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little
particles."

Mom?

Posted by: wiserbud at November 30, 2006 04:58 PM (2+/7m)

50 Yes dear?

Posted by: wisermom at November 30, 2006 05:19 PM (0/c+a)

51 Awards dont mean a thing anymore its just a way to show how liberal and dirty you can be

Posted by: spurwing plover at November 30, 2006 05:51 PM (TPwuq)

52 I thought that sounded familiar. Those were exactly the sounds I used to hear coming from your bedroom. You know, those times when Dad was out of town....

OH DEAR GOD! It all makes so much sense to me now.

Uncle Timmy? How could you?

Posted by: wiserbud at November 30, 2006 06:05 PM (2+/7m)

53 lol. A 30$ hooker.

Splinto was worried.

The last time a woman shacked up he broke her. Not a break sex wise, but a broken spirit. He almost felt bad about making her paint a dragon action figure for D&D. Not as bad as the time he punched her in the face while they were fucking, but still kind of bad.

Why should anyone judge him, she asked for it. Not refusing to cook or clean asking for it, but actually asking to be smacked around during the process...

I haven't heard anyother details, but this is how Peel and Pinto split up. I'm serious, it happened.

Posted by: mike at November 30, 2006 10:40 PM (CDn52)

54 Working on a sex farm
Trying to raise some hard love
Getting out my pitch fork
Poking your hay

Scratching in your henhouse
Sniffing at your feedbag
Slipping out your back door
Leaving my spray

Sex farm woman, I'm gonna mow you down
Sex farm woman, I'll rake and hoe you down
Sex farm woman, don't you see my silo rising high?

Working on a sex farm
Hosing down your barn door
Bothering you livestock
They know what I need

Working up a hot sweat
Crouching in your pea patch
Plowing through your beanfield
Planting my seed

Sex farm woman, I'll be your hired hand
Sex farm woman, I'll let my offer stand
Sex farm woman, don't you hear my tractor rumbling by?

Working on a sex farm
Trying to raise some hard love
Getting out my pitch fork
Poking your hay

Posted by: at December 01, 2006 09:09 AM (Gi7oA)

55 the Bad Sex award was won last year by Giles
Coren for an unpunctuated 138-word description of coitus, followed by
the two-word sentence, 'Like Zorro,'" according to the Guardian.

Yeah, but Giles meant his to be bad. This year's guy -- not so much. If you don't know, Giles is the food critic/journo who's a regular on Gordon Ramsay's "F Word." That dude's hilarious -- he needs his own show. Like Zorro.

Posted by: BenderBendingRodriguez at December 01, 2006 01:03 PM (YPKMw)

56 OUT OF THE NIGHT WHEN THE FULL MOON IS BRIGHT COMES A HORSEMAN KNOWN AS ZORRO THIS BOLD RENAGADE CARVES A Z WITH HIS BLADE A Z THAT STANDS FOR ZORRO ZORRO THE FOX SO CUNNING AND FREE ZORRO WHO MAKES THE SIGN OF THE Z

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