Ace of Spades HQ

January 31, 2006

Cool Facts About Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey
— Ace

* Can assume any of the following forms, 3x per day: bat, wolf, cloud of fog, and, for economic reasons, Papa Gino's Pizza Delivery Boy.

* Only has 15 hit dice, but nine of them are where it counts, if you know what I'm sayin'.

* Often reads comic books while playing A-Ha's Take On Me cranked up to 10, hoping he can "break through" to the comic-world beyond the panel.

So far, he's managed this trick just once; he appeared in a single Family Circus cartoon in which he ritually sacrificed "Billy" to Lord Asmodeus.

* Has a cumulative 5% chance of picking up a woman per snake or skull-with-roses tatoo she has on her legs, ass, or pudendum. If she has a dragon tatoo on at least half of her back, he receives a 50% circumstance bonus. If she has a Led Zeppellin "Zoso" glyph just above her ass, he doesn't need to roll. Automatic, baby.

* Never sold out; was into the Dark Cult of the Prince of Lies before it became all about the commercial endorsements and MTV appearances. For Sharky, it's still about the Satanism, man.

* Briefly served as a roadie for GWAR, until he "freaked them out too much."

* Although is nickname is "The Impaler," he has a less threatening name for his penis, which he calls "Mr. Polite, the Perfect Little Gentleman."

* Surprisingly, his all-time favorite show is Major Dad.

* Once a man tried to cut in line as he was getting a funnel-cake at Busch Gardens. There were no survivors.

* Only known man to use the sentence "It puts the lotion on its skin" without a hint of irony.

* Turn ons: Long walks on the beach, sunsets, and sustainable enviro-friendly development. Turn offs: Having his head cut off and his mouth filled with holy wafers.

Posted by: Ace at 07:53 AM | Comments (24)
Post contains 323 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Cool fact: Sharkey runs a moronblog under the nom du plume "Ace of Spades"

Posted by: Lapsed Leftist at January 31, 2006 08:13 AM (sCtph)

2 Sharkey likes walks around Lake Minnetonka and building sandcastles with moats of fresh squirrel blood.

Posted by: Feisty at January 31, 2006 08:15 AM (kEpKa)

3 Plans to use Snapper Self-Propelled Blades of Death to tackle scrub grass marring featured photo; hard to find time when you're Evil

Posted by: Hubris at January 31, 2006 08:21 AM (PwC+V)

4 Cool Fact: If Sharkey cuts his hair, he'll loose all his Vampyric powers, loosing his +2 bonus for cape wearing.

Posted by: Iblis at January 31, 2006 08:22 AM (9221z)

5 Heh... Ace said pudendum

Posted by: Retired Geezer at January 31, 2006 08:26 AM (b8LOf)

6 First impaler to utilize TimexÂ® casual expansion band for enhanced comfort during swordplay

Posted by: Hubris at January 31, 2006 08:28 AM (PwC+V)

7 Surprisingly, all of Jonathan's character levels are in Wizard. He carries the bastard sword solely to cast Whirling Blade, even though he is not proficient and thus takes a -4 penalty to his attack rolls.

Posted by: leoncaruthers at January 31, 2006 08:30 AM (7iTO9)

8 The Impaler can actually steal satellite signals with his sword, if he holds it in just the right way, but only the basic channels. As a multi-class character, he must reach 18th level as both a Sorcer and an Electrical Engineer before he can decipher the encrypted signals of HBO and Showtime.

Posted by: wiserbud at January 31, 2006 08:36 AM (AQGeh)

9 Has free, at-will use of Legend Lore for any question associated with Dark Shadows.

Posted by: ace at January 31, 2006 08:40 AM (UxtY9)

10 hah, I was trying to think of a Karl Kolchak joke.

Posted by: ace at January 31, 2006 08:53 AM (UxtY9)

11 Sharkey thinks that the real Vlad The Impaler was a pussy. Yet he is man enough to admit a fondness for the entire Billy Joel discography.

Posted by: DeeDaGo at January 31, 2006 09:04 AM (ltBrI)

12 Promises to punish those who drive impaired by drugs and/or alcohol, unless they are drunk on the blood of non-believers, in which case they'll get a coupon for $2 off and 6 free game tokens at Chuck E. Cheese.

Posted by: compos mentis at January 31, 2006 09:04 AM (xHpUK)

13 Sharkey is a big D12 fan.

Posted by: Feisty at January 31, 2006 09:05 AM (kEpKa)

14 Sharkey is so intense that he regularly receives a high colonic using a combination of Mr. Bubbles and Clorox while mainlining an ammonia cocktail.

Posted by: DeeDaGo at January 31, 2006 09:08 AM (ltBrI)

15 My good friend Sharkey once surprised and subdued Dick Cheney. Too bad he forgot about Dick Cheney's cock. The ensuing battle simultaneously created the Badlands and that Michigan lake that looks like a penis.

Posted by: Satan at January 31, 2006 09:12 AM (ltBrI)

16 Dubbed The Impaler in college when caught with his pants down "sacrificing" a sheep using his "Pork Sword of Power" while having half a live snake up his ass.

Posted by: at January 31, 2006 09:33 AM (xHpUK)

17 Cool Fact:
Will be suing Washington State to have the Bestiality Law overturned on religious freedom grounds.

Posted by: Iblis at January 31, 2006 09:35 AM (9221z)

18 I bet he wears fuzzy slippers. Up his ass.

Posted by: Pixelflash at January 31, 2006 11:04 AM (O+1/6)

19 In a 3-week long, peyote-induced-pagan-sexual-mystic-metallic-blood-orgy, forged his serrated-edged blade, "Fedifensor," using 80 rolls of Reynolds Wrap. Why so many rolls? He folded the metal over 200 times.

Posted by: John at January 31, 2006 11:22 AM (wg4FW)

20 I still say the most amazing fact about Jonathan Tsepes Sharkey is that he persuaded another living, breathing mortal to actually take that photo of him.

Second most amazing fact - Jonathan Sharkey actually posed for that photo below.

And there could have been re-takes. And shots from different angles.

Alternate backgrounds, maybe?

Posted by: Khan (No, Not That One) at January 31, 2006 11:30 AM (5JwsD)

21 [Click]

Non-Occidental Laughter.

Posted by: Random Japanese Tourist at January 31, 2006 11:32 AM (5JwsD)

22 Gotta give the man props- he does know a thing or two about the usefulness of cheap throw rugs.

Posted by: Bill H at January 31, 2006 07:01 PM (Lvedx)

23 get out the garlic, the cross the wooden stake and the mallet and do what VAN HELSING did

Posted by: spurwing plover at February 02, 2006 10:23 AM (QtdTZ)

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