June 30, 2007

Arab Cartoons Of The Palestininan Civil War
— Ace

From Jordan:

"The Light At The End Of The Palestinian Tunnel"

I picked that one because I agreed with it. But most of the rest of them -- especially from the Arab world outside of Palestine, which can afford to view Palestinians as disposable walking corpses in their greater struggle against Israel and the West -- resort to typically crude Muslim conspircy-theorizing, with Jews and Americans masterminding the violence.

One wonderful little cartoon displays "The Pride" of Palestine yesterday -- a Palestinian child pointing an Uzi at a Jewish child -- contrasted with "The Shame" of Palestine today -- a Palestinian child pointing an Uzi at another Palestinian child.

Um, perhaps it will take these subhumans another 1000 years to comprehend it is the thinking of wantonly killing Jewish children as a point of "Pride" that has led, inevitably, to wantonly killing Palestinian children as well.

Thanks to Larwyn.

Posted by: Ace at 04:54 PM | Comments (94)
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Halfwit Brownback's Yea-No-Now-Nay Explanation Evolves Anew
— Ace

And this guy says he's not sure if he belives in evolution. We seem to be witnessing random mutations here on a daily basis.

Now he's claiming he decided to switch his vote to a "Nay" on closure because, after seeing it was thoroughly defeated, it occurred to him at that moment, and at no other prior moment, "the country is just not ready" for amnesty without security yet.

He had this epiphany based on his fellow Senators' voting it down. And not, you know, on thousands of Americans calling him to tell him that over the past few weeks.

Senator "Fredo" Brownback.

While you're at Hot Air, early reports two bombers have been arrested, and a a handrwriting expert says Paris Hilton is, if you can believe such a thing, intellectually stunted.

Posted by: Ace at 04:36 PM | Comments (24)
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National Dwarf Games Open With Dwarven Biathalon (Ski Cross-Country, Then Bash An Orc's Head In With A Warhammer)
— Ace

Okay, no, not those sorts of dwarves. But it's really called the National Dwarf Games.

Here are some Young Little People in a race:

Kinda nice.

Before you giggle, little people conferences are notorious for drunken debauchery and rampant hooking-up.

And you jerkoffs are sitting at home reading this stupid blog.

Thanks to genghis.

Posted by: Ace at 04:01 PM | Comments (45)
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Is This Something?
Update: Alternate Link Added

— Ace

A mash-up of a rap by L'Trimm about cars and Gary Numan's Cars, plus, more towards the end, the Beatles' Drive My Car.

powered by ODEO

Thanks to steve_from_hb. I think. Because the only part I think I really like is the Gary Numan Cars riff, which I just like anyway. Drive My Car is eh, but it's completely shoehorned into the mash-up and doesn't mix into it well at all.

Update: Okay, at the end, he mashes Cars with Drive My Car and it's kind of cool. Plus, the rap is growing on me.

From this DJ guy. Try clicking that if you get an error from the embedded player, which I'm getting.

Theory: You can mix that Cars riff into virtually anything and make it sound 40% cooler.

Just a working theory.

Another Link: I'm not sure if that odeon link just sucks or if it's getting too much traffic. steve suggests this alternate link to the song, but that's also not working for me.

I needs me my Bunny and Tigrah.

Posted by: Ace at 03:51 PM | Comments (80)
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Well, If I Knew I'd Get That Everytime I Homered...
— Ace

He jerks one out into the cheap seats.

And then a teammate helps him jerk one out into the dugout.

Thanks to steve_in_hb.

Posted by: Ace at 02:45 PM | Comments (47)
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The Ace of Spades HQ Poet Laureate: Gaius Valerius Catullus
— Ace

One of the few things I remember from college was the wonderful versifying of famous (seriously! -- people study him and write thesis papers on him) Roman poet Catullus.

Green's translation should encourage readers of all kinds to read or re-read Catullus, one of the greatest and most influential of all classical poets.

Born in the provincial northern town of Verona sometime around 84 B.C.E., Catullus died in Rome, possibly of consumption, about thirty years later. He was an inspiration for the Augustan poets of the subsequent generation: Horace, Virgil, Propertius, and Ovid all look back to his work. So do many later European and American poets: Catullus's sparrow poems, for instance, have inspired many English imitations and acts of poetic homage, from John Skelton's remarkable poem "Phyllyp Sparowe" (written around 1500), to Carol Muske-Dukes's collection Sparrow (2003).

Catullus came from a wealthy family; unlike Virgil and Horace, he seems to have had no need to cultivate a rich patron to support him while writing poetry. His father was friendly with Julius Caesar and often invited him to dinner. Catullus wrote several vicious attacks on Caesar, which suggest that his military campaigns in Britain and Gaul are being criminally mismanaged by his chief engineer Mamurra, and that they are motivated by revolting avarice and greed on the part of Caesar himself, who is a "voracious/and shameless gut." Catullus also sneers at Caesar's bisexual promiscuity: "They're well matched, that pair of shameless buggers,/Bitch-queens both of them, Caesar and Mamurra" (Green's translation).

It gets worse, believe me.

My friend chose Catullus as the subject of his final term paper. I was so jealous at his brilliance. I did some gay one on Cicero. He seemed to have a lot more fun with his.

Here are some. I dedicate these to Larry "Super-Spy" Johnson, especially Catullus97. And they're quite real, and very accurate translations. Very Strong Content Warning For Extreme Profanity And Strong Sexual Content. more...

Posted by: Ace at 01:50 PM | Comments (54)
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Are You Smarter Than An Eighth Grader In Science?
— Ace

I got an A-. They all seemed pretty easy, but I guess they weren't, as I booted at least two of them.

I think I blew the one about the final velocity of a falling stone. I kept thinking that 1/2 should be part of the expression (and thus the answer), but I now realize the 1/2 enters it when you're talking about distance covered. 1/2 (g)(t)(t). I think.

So there's one I blew. I kinda think I blew another one by not picking my first answer, which seemed too obvious, instead chosing a more unfamiliar term which seemed more "sciencey."

Posted by: Ace at 01:21 PM | Comments (50)
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Glasgow Terror: What would Scotty do?
— Jack M.

If you are like me, you often find that in times of trouble and uncertainty you seek guidance and comfort from sources of spiritual purity. Luckily for me, I am often able to find these souces of inspiration on Nick at Nite after I've finished watching Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld.

So it is that I have reverted to form, by asking myself "in the wake of the terror attacks in Scotland, what would my hero, Cmdr. Montgomery Scott, do?"

Luckily, as I meditated upon this question, the answer came to me in a Star Trek: Original Series episode called "A Taste of Armageddon".

The relevant passage from the Book of Scotty is as follows:

And so Scotty said to McCoy: "The best diplomat that I know is a fully loaded phaser bank!" And McCoy nodded, for he knew that it was good advice, even though he was a Doctor, dammit, and not a scary smart former CIA operative.

Here's to ya, Cmdr. Scott. Set phasers on kill.

Posted by: Jack M. at 01:00 PM | Comments (64)
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ETA/Basque Separatist Suspected Bomb Detonated Safely At Spanish Airport
— Ace

Warned three times through a Basque newspaper which frequently carries such warnings by separtists.

Thanks to Dave in Texas, who continues making Demotivational posters about Reid, Graham, and Voinovich.

Oh, and here's something: Peruvians eat guinea pigs by the handful, like they were fuzzy, squirming adorable Raisinettes.

At least they're not fucking them.

Posted by: Ace at 12:50 PM | Comments (16)
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Islamic Rage Boy Photoshops
— Ace


We want a pitcher!
Not an belly-itcher!
By Allah's might, belly-itchers shall

The Nose On Your Face has a coup of its own -- the Islamic Rage Boy advice column. And more here.

He's also selling Islamic Rage Boy t-shirts and knicknacks through Cafe Press.

More: Islamic Rage Boy Haikus.

Posted by: Ace at 12:20 PM | Comments (11)
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Giggle, Snicker, Chortle, Titter
— Ace

Hah, hah. Those silly, cowardly Brits, raising their terrorist threat level to critical, just to distract from.... uhhh, I don't know, what's on tap right now? The subpoenas to Cheney regarding the wiretap program?

That must be it -- the car-bombers are working with Cheney to distract from the inquiry into the wiretap program designed to eavesdrop on people just like themselves.

I Question The Timing.

Incidentally, notice how the "I Question The Timing" of the arrests claims don't fly as quickly when a terrorist attack is actually mounted by jihadis who probably are on the British government's watch list and were not arrested previously due to lack of evidence and limited resources.

Update: Allah says (near end of post) one of the jihadis died due to extensive burns.


Now, actually, that is something worth a deep laugh about.

(Except that we can't interrogate the shit out of him, of course.)


Assuming the other jihadi suffered some amount of burns -- one of the most painful wounds a human being can endure, at least once those nerve-endings start growing back -- would it be barbaric to, let us say, go a little light on his painkilling medication until he starts talking?

I mean -- the Brits didn't cause his burns, did they? They wouldn't be inflicting pain; they would just be withholding pain-reducing medication for a killer's self-inflicted wounds.

(And he is a killer now -- felony murder rule. His actions resulted in the death of a confederate.)

Update: Scottish police officer says that the burned terrorist isn't dead yet, but in critical condition, suffering from "severe burns."

A "suspect device" was found on him. The hospital was partly evacuated after the discovery of this unspecified device.

Man "On Fleemes" Got Up To Attack Policemen, Shouting "Allah, Allah!" With Every Punch:

Guy helped beat down these monsters.

Via Allah, noting the Blotter's scoop that the US had chatter about an attack on Glasgow airports several weeks ago.

The information was "kept secret for operational reasons," which I presume means "kept secret" from the public and not Scotland or Britain.

The Czech Republic's on the warning list, too.

"Suspect Device:" ... was a "belt or some type of vest," a possible suicide explosives belt. Not sure if that's what it was, but that's what it was feared it was. It's being "analyzed."

This is from David Schuster. He states it as a fact, not speculation, but does not source it. Allah points out he's dodgy. Indeed, he makes shit up all the time. So I'm treating this as Schuster bullshit and speculation. Probably right, but just a guess, which as usual this very careful reporter passes off as confirmed fact.

Allah Writes... CNN says there's a dead body in the car, which neatly explains it's previous report (thought erroneous) a dead jihadi, as well as the frequent mentions of three men, rather than the two we know about.

Artist's Conception: ...of new "+5 Flaming Unholy Avenger" jihadi superweapon.

Posted by: Ace at 11:32 AM | Comments (53)
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DecapiGate: MNF States "Extremists Using False Media Reporting" (Thanks, AP!) "To Incite Sectarian Violence"
— Ace

"The story was completely false and fabricated by unknown sources."

No word yet from AP and Reuters about whether they stand by their story, or whether psuedonym-using terrorist-connected police captains in far away precincts may have contributed to this report.

Posted by: Ace at 11:23 AM | Comments (5)
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"Yuppie Terrorists" Attack Glasgow Airport With (Failed) Car Bomb
— Ace

Yuppie terrorists, as Larry C. Johnson dubs them, owing to the fact that they owned Mercedes, which were probably stolen, but what do facts matter to a super-tough CIA dude who can improvise a shiv out of his toenail clippings and earwax? (Incidentally, why would the fact that the terrorists were wealthy or well-funded enough to buy Mercedes comfort us? Does anyone take comfort in the fact that Osama bin Ladin, with his $100 million family trust fund, is a Saudi "yuppie"?)

In one minor sense, he has a small point -- these bombers are not particularly good at building bombs, and he maybe quite right that it's overstated that these bombs could have killed "hundreds" as police officials said. They could have killed hundreds, had they been constructed properly -- but they weren't. At most, if they got somewhat lucky, they could have killed a few dozen.

But this is such a jackass point it borders on insanity to even concede it. Because we know Al Qaeda regularly sends in bomb-making experts to assist local terrorist cells. Are we to take mighty comfort in the fact that these guys weren't able to reach Al Qaeda's bomb-making Geek Squad, or that the guy who was sent was inexperienced? We know that there are thousands of radical Islamists who wish to kill Western civilians via suicide car-bomb; we know there are dozens -- maybe hundreds -- of fairly expert jihadist bomb-makers willing to assit in this endeavor. We're supposed to laugh this all off, as Larry "terrorism is not the biggest security challenge confronting the United States" Johnson does, because in this particular case Group One was unable to successfully work with Group Two?

Here's his post on today's attack:

Preliminary, unconfirmed reports indicate a nuclear blast has occurred at Glasgow's international airport. No one has seen the mushroom cloud or heard the blast, but something by God is happening and it must be terrible. There is smoke and fire. In fact, a car is on fire. It must be Al Qaeda. Only Al Qaeda knows how to set themselves on fire inside a car. Please. Flee to the hills (leave you doors unlocked). Oh the humanity!

Oh how terribly droll! He's a super-tough guy, you can see, because he laughs at the threat of terrorism, as does the entire left. They're the brave.

They're also the exact sort that got 3000 Americans killed on 9/11 by downplaying, understating, and even giggling at the threat posted by jihadi terrorists, but never mind that. They're right that some terrorists are technically incompetent; what's the big deal if, on occasion, some terrorists have a bit more technical acumen and manage to kill 54 in the London tubes or 3000 in the World Trade Ceneter and Pentagon? We can live with those occasional mass-slaughters, I guess.

If we take the threat terrorism seriously, then the terrorists have surely won. So have a giggle at the fact that London and parts of England are partially paralyzed today, and merely dozens of people very nearly got killed. Ha, ha. It's almost a knock-knock joke.

Here's a recent account of today's attack:

A blazing vehicle was driven into the main Glasgow airport terminal today. Two people were arrested and flights halted as all roads around the airport were shut.

Witnesses said two men crashed it into the doors of the main terminal building.

A man with his clothes on fire got out of the vehicle and was restrained by passengers while others put out the flames with a fire extinguisher.


A spokesman for BAA, the operators of Glasgow Airport, said: "At 15.11 today a vehicle drove into a front door at the check-in area of Glasgow Airport's terminal building.

"The vehicle caught fire on impact with the building and is currently outside the terminal building. A police investigation is under way and emergency crews are at the scene."


"What he says he saw is a Cherokee jeep drive into the glass frontage of the airport," she told BBC News 24.

"A man got out of it on fire - he said there were actually two Asian-looking [this means Pakistani in England] men but this guy was the one that was on fire.

"Some holidaymaker tried to restrain him, then the police came over and wrestled him to the ground - the fire was burning through his clothes - and finally put him out with a fire extinguisher."

I'm glad that "holidaymaker" was a bit more alarmed by the threat of jihadi terrorism than Larry "Americans are bedeviled by fantasies of terrorism" Johnson.

And it's not clear that this bomb wouldn't have gone off. Sometimes, you know, dynamite explodes accidentally:

"I spoke to an airport official who seemed to think it was not an accident. [It was no accident, we now know, of course.] He was very angry. He said the men in the car got out and started throwing petrol about - that must be how it caught fire.

"Luckily my colleague and his family were delayed or they could have been coming out of that door at exactly that time."

Eye witness James Edgar said an ordinary car fire burns itself out quickly, " but this went on and on".

He told Sky News: "There were a few pops, obviously the fuel tanks would have gone, but it was as if there was maybe more accelerant in the vehicle."

He thought some of the building had caught fire as well, so that may have added to the effect.

Referred to a picture of the blazing jeep, he said: "He's trying to get through the main door frame, but the bollards have stopped him from going through. If he'd got through, he'd have killed hundreds, obviously."

Allah liveblogged throughout the incident. The most precious part must, of course, be AP's Larry Johnson-ish early claims that this was all just some sort of mundane car accident.

It's too bad Keith Olbermann doesn't work on Saturdays, too. It would have been fun to see him with Larry "The Declining Terrorist Threat" talking about how brave and even-keeled and "skeptical" they both are for deeming terrorist attacks "non-events" and car-bombs laden with fuel and propane tanks and nails "non-bombs."

It's simply shocking that a man who wrote an NYT op-ed called "The Declining Threat of Terrorism" which denigrated the terrorist threat and wrote that "Americans are bedeviled by fantasies about terrorism" on July 10, 2001 not only is so shameless to continue peddling the same "Don't Worry, Be Happy" advice he disasterously gave to the government as a CIA agent, but has a legion of liberal hacks eager to entertain his catastrophically wrong mindset for partisan reasons.

If I were a CIA agent who'd made that pronouncement about the silliness of worrying about terrorism a scant three months before 9/11, I'd be "living quietly" about such issues, out of simple respect for the dead I'd helped to kill.

Posted by: Ace at 10:46 AM | Comments (36)
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June 29, 2007

Dramatic Chipmunk Remixes
— Ace

Ringu Dramatic Chimpunk.

Villainous Dramatic Chipmunk.

Got Caught Masturbating Dramatic Chipmunk.

Jack the Ripper Dramatic Chipmunk.

Dr. Evil Dramatic Chipmunk.

007 Dramatic Chipmunk.

I found out they were doing these on the Olbermann show. What else did I learn? 1, that Fox "Noise" is biased and Rupert Murdoch is evil, and 2, according to Larry Johnson, we don't need a war on terror to fight terrorism, we just need "neighbors looking out for each other."

Oh, say, buddy. Just wanted to return your hedge-trimmers. By the way, look out, there's a hijacked 747 about to hit us. Oh no, don't mention it.

Posted by: Ace at 07:51 PM | Comments (33)
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Larry Johnson: Yesterday and Today
— Ace


"Judging from news reports and the portrayal of villains in our popular entertainment, Americans are bedeviled by fantasies about terrorism. They seem to believe that terrorism is the greatest threat to the United States and that it is becoming more widespread and lethal. They are likely to think that the United States is the most popular target of terrorists. And they almost certainly have the impression that extremist Islamic groups cause most terrorism.

"None of these beliefs are based in fact. ... While terrorism is not vanquished, in a world where thousands of nuclear warheads are still aimed across the continents, terrorism is not the biggest security challenge confronting the United States, and it should not be portrayed that way."

--Larry C. Johnson, "The Declining Terrorist Threat," New York Times, July 10, 2001. Johnson, a former CIA officer, was deputy director of the U.S. State Department's Office of Counterterrorism from 1989 to 1993.

Today. I'd swipe that post, but I can't in good conscience. You'll just have to click.

I was wondering how Keith "I Question the Timing of These Fictitious Terrorist Alerts" Olbermann would avoid covering the story. Well, he's not avoiding it. Larry C. Johnson, terrorism denier, announces:

I will be on Countdown with Keith Olbermann tonight, probably in the fourth segment.

Thanks to Instapundit.

Ohhh... Remember, this is 1) a former CIA agent and 2) a guy making a living out of bashing Bush for his not taking terrorist threats seriously before 9/11.

"Americans are bedeviled by fantasies about terrorism. They seem to believe that terrorism is the greatest threat to the United States and that it is becoming more widespread and lethal. They are likely to think that the United States is the most popular target of terrorists. And they almost certainly have the impression that extremist Islamic groups cause most terrorism.

"None of these beliefs are based in fact."

Maybe he just read your fucking memo, Larry.

I can call you Larry, right?


How about Mr. Hyperpartisan Silly Bitch? How's that work for ya?

Are you blaming Bush, Larry? Isn't that really just blaming yourself?

When you come to grips with your own complicity for 9/11, maybe you'll be able to let some of this seething hatred go.

This one-man brain-trust was a CIA agent before 9/11? And yet Al Qaeda was able to hit us nevertheless? Huh. What a fucking shock.

Flappy, The Retard-Raptor of
Disasterously Erroneous Analyses and
Blaming Others For One's Own Deadly Mistakes

Posted by: Ace at 06:45 PM | Comments (32)
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— Ace

S! Finally! S!

Okay, you're going to think this is dumb, probably, as I did at first. CNN ran the following AP story.

The whole story is "S." And then "Copyright AP." Not super funny, maybe, but this Fark thread gets a lot of mileage out of it, with arguments about whether or not the story is biased, etc.

But it's the photoshops that are really funny. Like FoxNews trying the spin the story, or, especially, this in-depth Time magazine analysis.

Thanks to Sinistar.

Posted by: Ace at 05:56 PM | Comments (28)
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Kurt Loder Reviews SiCKO
— Ace

Or someone calling himself "Kurt Loder," at least. Surely this cannot possibly be the dude from MTV.

You've got to read this. The guy stops reviewing SiCKO halfway through to start reviewing "Dead Meat," a short documentary about people who've died on Canada's hospital waiting lists.

Seriously, read this. You'll learn a little about how stupid Michael Moore is. You'll learn a little about how awful Canada's health care system is. It's free, and you get what you pay for.

But mostly you'll be shocked to read Tabitha Soren's former co-host writing stuff like this:

Moore's most ardent enthusiasm is reserved for the French health care system, which he portrays as the crowning glory of a Gallic lifestyle far superior to our own. The French! They work only 35 hours a week, by law. They get at least five weeks' vacation every year. Their health care is free, and they can take an unlimited number of sick days. It is here that Moore shoots himself in the foot. He introduces us to a young man who's reached the end of three months of paid sick leave and is asked by his doctor if he's finally ready to return to work. No, not yet, he says. So the doctor gives him another three months of paid leave — and the young man immediately decamps for the South of France, where we see him lounging on the sunny Riviera, chatting up babes and generally enjoying what would be for most people a very expensive vacation. Moore apparently expects us to witness this dumbfounding spectacle and ask why we can't have such a great health care system, too. I think a more common response would be, how can any country afford such economic insanity?

Kurt Loder. Who knew.

Old Assessment of Kurt Loder: Total douche

New Assessment of Kurt Loder: Not a total douche

No h/t to Allah. I got it from the same place he did, from Google News. See, I find stuff myself sometimes. I just take a while to post them.

Posted by: Ace at 05:46 PM | Comments (31)
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An Immigration Reconciliation, Courtesy of Baskin Robbins.
— Jack M.

It's a Friday Night, which means that the future Mrs. Jack M., Fox News' Miss Suzanne Sena, and I like to drive into Old Town, Alexandria to indulge in the rich, flavory goodness that is a Baskin Robbins milkshake.

Scoff if you will, but it is the simple things in life that help keep our relationship strong. As such, I left my apartment in a phenomenally good mood. I put the top down on my car. Suzanne fiddled with the radio until she found a station playing Liza Minelli classics. (Such are the burdens I endure to bring happiness to my beloved Suzanne.) The stars were out shining in force, and it seemed like nothing could disturb the idyll of two young and crazy kids cementing their love over mint chocolate chip (Suzanne) and Reese'e peanut butter (Me) ice cream.

I was wrong though. Soon our picture perfect outing would be shattered. The dark side of the Senate's immigration debate would interject itself into our romantic outing. I was to come face to face with one of the shadow people. more...

Posted by: Jack M. at 05:21 PM | Comments (35)
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For The Ron Paul Spambots
— Ace

First of all, don't you stupid motherfuckers feel a little pathetic having nothing better to do with your time than google the name of your gay love fixation all day long and pester normal people about fucking Ron Paul?

Do you work? Do you work specifically for Ron Paul? Do you realize how goddamned much you're creeping the rest of us out with your zombie-like thralldom?

Let me make this clear:

Ron Paul is not a viable candidate for President. He is a crank. A Bircheresque, conspiracy-wallowing, Truther-pandering crank.

Everyone, except you morons, understands he is a crank.

He could not win the Republican nomination if his opponents were only Sam I Am Brownback, Charles Manson, the dessicated corpse of Atilla the Hun and Yoko Ono.

You should just all grow the fuck up and stop wasting your goddamned time.

Everytime I read your creepily devoted posts I feel like I've blundered into some boyband fan site where everyone's got a crush on the dreamy RP (the motorcycle-riding badboy from the wrong side of the tracks who nevertheless can croon in the most romantic, heartfelt way). Your political, legal, and constitutional analysis fails to rise above the level of "'N Sync? More like 'N Stink!"

It is time, as they say, to become an adult, and put away foolish things.

Here's one video for you idiots. You all remind me of the Nazis here, constantly saying "He's right, you know."

Here's another one:

Watch it. Learn it. Live it.

And for the love of God All Mighty, stop creeping the rest of us out with your pathetic, stalkerish obsessions.

Posted by: Ace at 03:30 PM | Comments (60)
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With Talk Radio Maligning The Comprehensive Piece of Shit, Who Was There To Speak On Its Behalf?
— Ace

Who indeed.

Today's AP recap, published in the Washington Post:

When President Bush's "grand bargain" on immigration fell apart, Jeff Sessions, the Republican senator from Alabama who is named after a pair of famous Confederates, was very proud.

"Hopefully our Senate has learned some things," Sessions crowed on the Senate floor on Thursday after his colleagues killed a comprehensive overhaul of the nation's immigration law, bouncing on his toes and struggling to contain a grin, like a boy who just popped his lynching-cherry.

Okay I added the "like a boy" part. And the boldface. Everything else is real.

Feel the nuance.

Via RedState, thanks to someone.

Posted by: Ace at 03:02 PM | Comments (59)
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