April 28, 2005

Bin Ladin Dead?
— Ace

Not the first time we've heard this rumor, as My Pet Jawa notes.

I kinda hate even bringing it up, but... his link is interesting.

Okay, this is the sort of rumor-mongering that bloggers are slammed for. But if the media is chattering about it behind closed doors, why shouldn't the public know what they're chattering about?

Thanks to Someone.

I've Got the Funniest F'n' Readers Update: EricJ offers:

Who cares if Bin Laden's dead? Don't they know there's a war on?

Posted by: Ace at 09:38 AM | Comments (15)
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Instapundit Plays the Same Tired War-Card
— Ace

At the risk of alienating Traffic Santa, I will direct your attention to this post by Instapundit.

I find it disingenuous to suggest that, just because there is a "war on," as Instapundit notes, all other domestic political jockeying -- at least of the kind Instapundit disapproves -- should stop.

He plays this card constantly. Whether it's the RAVE act, or cracking down on Ecstacy, or, now, a law making it illegal to take a child across state lines for an abortion-- he uses the "We're fighting a war" non-sequitor as an argument against any proposal or law or initiative he doesn't like.

Well, Instapundit: You seem to favor civil unions, and you argue in favor of them frequently. Don't you know there's a war on? How can we divert our attention to such a minor domestic issue when there's a war on?

It strikes me as very curious that Glenn Reynolds thinks we have lots of time to pursue domestic initiatives of which he approves, but, when it comes to socially-conservative intiatives, the entire government is far too busy, or should be far too busy, to pursue such initiatives.

After all--there's a war on!

Fine. There's a war on.

Then stop agitating for civil unions. Or decriminalizing drugs. Or any other libertarian change to the status quo.

I'm not saying I disagree with him on each of these initiatives or laws... but honestly, it's just plain disingenous to use the "War On" defense for only those domestic issues/initiatives he disfavors.

It's Just Like Newton and Leibniz Update! Dang... Matt sent me this tip to Galley Slaves making the exact same point, and even a bit feistier, too.

Worth reading. He wonders if, given there's a war on, we should be talking about Mazdas or digitical cameras, either.

I swear, I didn't see his post before I wrote mine.

But I will say this isn't the first time I've hit Instapundit up on this.

And Now Ramesh Ponorununununu (Whatever) Update!: Seriously, I've been hitting up Instapundit for this self-serving and silly War On argument since the beginning of the blog.

But now National Review Online notices too, giving Galley Slaves the NROlanche.

Well.. okay. They were technically first. Today.

Thanks to Nick.

Indeed! Update: Slublog notes Instapundit's carefully-considered opinion that the Pledge of Allegiance just doesn't matter... when there's a war on.

Deal Accepted: Okay, Ramesh, I will learn how to spell your name, as you were nice enough to link me and all.

Posted by: Ace at 07:51 AM | Comments (77)
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Pope Fiction
— Ace

Jules and Vincent explain the Vatican and Catholic rituals for you.

Simpsons Did It! Update: John from Wuzzadem wasn't the first. Another, earlier Pope Fiction parody. This one includes the Gimp scene.

Posted by: Ace at 06:04 AM | Comments (11)
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This Could Be Very Cool or Very Annoying or Likely Both
— Ace

Hypersound. Subaudible soundwaves that, when directed at a person, become audible, and sound as if they're coming from inside the subject's own head.

Minority Report displayed hypersound advertisements (along with something even more annoying: computerized determination of what sort of person you were and therefore what ads might appeal to you). But it's really not sci-fi. It's something that's coming fairly shortly.

This cat just won a $500,000 prize from MIT for his HyperSonic sound system, so this is no crank making wild claims about his perpetual motion device:

Elwood "Woody" Norris pointed a metal frequency emitter at one of perhaps 30 people who had come to see his invention. The emitter — an aluminum square — was hooked up by a wire to a CD player. Norris switched on the CD player.

"There's no speaker, but when I point this pad at you, you will hear the waterfall," said the 63-year-old Californian.

And one by one, each person in the audience did, and smiled widely.


Norris said the uses for the technology could come in handy — in cars, in the airport or at home.

Handy? It's going to be a nightmare.

Although it will be very useful if you want to gaslight someone... at least in the next couple of years, before people are generally aware that "demonic voices inside your head" may not be the result of schizophrenia but rather a prank being played on you by your geek buddy Stinky.

"Imagine your wife wants to watch television and you want to read a book, like the intellectual you are," he said to the crowd. "Imagine you are a lifeguard or a coach and you want to yell at someone, he'll be the only one to hear you."

Imagine you're walking down the street and you are bombarded with a dozen in-your-head advertisements, like "Drink Coke!" or "Hey! Great website! Agree with everything you say!"

Norris holds 47 U.S. patents, including one for a digital handheld recorder and another for a handsfree headset. He said the digital recorder made him an inventor for life.

"That sold for $5 million," Norris laughed. "That really made me want to be an inventor."

Shut up, really?

Thanks to LauraW.

Okay... This Could Be Fun Update: Hubris opines--

I can only imagine the myriad applications for the gents in my native West Virginia whose idea of flirting was to hang out of a truck and yell "what are you doin' with them titties later?!"

I've been waiting for just this sort of high-tech covert Mr. Microphone since I was 7.

Imagine driving down the street anonymously pestering a hundred women with "Hey good lookin', be back to pick you up later!"

Good times. Good times.

All Technology Is First Deployed For Sexual Purposes Update: You know those bars they used to have, and maybe still do, where every table has a phone and so you can call other tables and try to hook up with other people?

This would be better/worse. At least it would be different and a novelty... for a year, which is the best a trendy bar can expect anyway.

It would give me a chance to use the "smooth rap" I've developed for the ladies over the years, but never had the balls to use, like, (in my best Jamie Gumm "It puts the lotion on its skin" impression) "First, I will begin by strangling your pets. Second, I will break into your home and... touch things."

Posted by: Ace at 05:59 AM | Comments (22)
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NOW & MoveOn "Professional Activists" File False Rape Claim?
— Ace

Under investigation by police... so of course they're alleging that their right to dissent is being "chilled:"

A 23-year-old Brevard County woman was charged with making a false police report at Rollins College in Winter Park last year.

Prosecutors on Thursday filed two misdemeanor charges against Desiree Nall of Palm Bay. The charges of making a false police report and making a false official statement are each punishable with up to one year in jail.

Desiree Nall's husband, Jeff, said Friday that his wife will contest the charges.

As RiehlWorld reports, both are "professional activists." Desiree Nall is President of the Brevard County NOW chapter, and her husband is a communication director there. And both are "associated" with MoveOn, according RiehlWorld.

Nall told Winter Park police in November that she was raped by two men in a Rollins College bathroom, authorities said.

"The college was on high alert, and the neighborhood was in confusion because there was a lot of fear," Winter Park police spokesman Wayne Farrell said.

The rape report was made during rape-awareness week on the Rollins campus, Winter Park police Sgt. Pam Marcum said.

As Instapundit asked the other day (IIRC): if hate-crimes are to be punished severely, shouldn't false claims of hate crimes be punished equally severely? The effect on society seems similar; if we're increasing penalties for bringing fear to minority groups, shouldn't we also increase penalties for false claims of hate crimes which likewise bring fear to minority groups?

And if rape is a serious crime -- which, of course, it is -- we can hardly treat false claims of rape as a minor matter or college prank.

Posted by: Ace at 05:49 AM | Comments (11)
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April 27, 2005

Punk Wikipedia!
— Ace

I didn't give a crap about this stupid site -- quite frankly, I still don't know really what the hell it's supposed to be -- but my readers have now made me hate it.

I do that-- I go from "no opinion" to "volcanic black hatred" in 5.3 seconds.

People have noticed that you can punk this stupid-ass geek-circle-jerk, so I think we ought to.

Andrew, he of "roses are red, violets are blue" fame, just added a newly unearthed historical tidbit to the old boring account of the Battle of Hastings (scan down to "External Links" at bottom):

It should also be noted that Indiana Jones took part in the action, riding in an armored canoe pulled by two dragons with wheels for feet; the battle ended when he sliced off the head of Cobra Commander with a garlic press. He later celebrated by swabbing his wang in honey and finding an anthill.

Okay... start punking and post your punks here. I'll see about compiling the best of them on Friday or over the weekend. Not a competition, just an exhibition as they say.

Stephen Sondheim's Bio Updated: See if you can find the subtle insertion.

At about the age of ten, around the time of his parents' divorce, Sondheim became friends with Jimmy Hammerstein. Jimmy's father was the well-known lyricist/playwright Oscar Hammerstein II. Hammerstein taught Sondheim the basics of the musical after the boy came to him with a show he had written for a school performance. Though Hammerstein's reaction was negative, he saw the youngster's potential. As a training exercise, Hammerstein told Sondheim to write four pieces:

A musical based on a good play (which became All That Glitters)
A musical based on a bad play (which became High Tor)
A musical based on an existing novel or short story not previously dramatized (which became Mary Poppins)
An original musical (which became Climb High)

A man can survive in the desert for 10 days by drinking his own urine. Even if you're not in the desert, it makes for a hell of a party trick. Really "breaks the ice"! Try it!

None of these "assignment" musicals was produced professionally. High Tor and Mary Poppins have never been produced at all, because the rights holders for the original works refused to grant permission for a musical to be made.

Did you catch it? That's right-- Hammerstein did not ask Sondheim to compose a musical which would become Climb High.

Don't Bother Update: This game is so old they have a big ass page for collecting up "Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense."

Damnit... I'm always three years behind the "cool crowd."

Posted by: Ace at 01:47 PM | Comments (42)
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Letterman Producer Insults Rosie O'Donnell... and Her "Blog"
— Ace

Why wasn't I informed immediately?

he last thing I want to do is get into a fight with a powerful celebrity who has a blog read by tens of people -- Rob Burnett

Update: Clicking on Karol's link, and then the source story, will result in the discovery that due to this spat, Rosie O'Donnell will not be appearing on the Letterman show in order to promote her Hallmark Retard-Family Classics movie, Riding the Short Bus With My Sister.

Posted by: Ace at 01:36 PM | Comments (14)
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The Real King Arthur, and Real Buried Treasure
— Ace

Just because we're arguing about the "real King Arthur" in the comments... VonKreedon (who played a fantasy role-playing game while in jail, remember) suggests anyone interested check out this site about the "historical" Arthur.

I like this tip from Fat Kid a little more:

Friends Find Buried Treasure in Backyard

METHUEN, Massachusetts (AP) -- It's the stuff of fantasies, and Tim Crebase found it buried under two feet of earth in his own backyard.


Crebase said the find came three weeks ago when he and Villcliff were trying to dig up a small tree.

Crebase, 23, heard a thud and saw that he'd hit a piece of wood. Another look, and he saw the wood was part of a two-foot-wide box.

He ripped the top off and found nine rusted cans that he and Villcliff, 27, cracked open to find about 1,800 bills, including more than 900 $1 bills, 200 $2 bills, and 300 $20 bills dated from 1899 to 1929.

There were also piles of gold and silver certificates and scores of notes from local banks in Methuen, Haverhill, Amesbury, Newburyport and beyond.

[The treasure was subsequently valuated by an expert as being worth in excess of $100,000.]

"I'm a pessimist; I was waiting until I got a professional review before I jumped to any conclusions," Villcliff said. "Tim, however, was singing and dancing. He was ranting like a rabid monkey."

I'm glad these guys found it. They deserve it.

Posted by: Ace at 01:20 PM | Comments (10)
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My Contribution to the English Language
— Ace

96 Google hits for "Naked Arab Jenga" -- all AoSHQ.

Thanks to David.

I can't wait to tell my mom.

Yes, It's a Slow News Day as Far as I'm Concerned Update: So, I could mention Randi Rhodes; but everyone knows about that, and I don't think I've been unclear on this sort of crap in the past.

So, instead of talking about that, I'll note that Andrew decided to start me up a Wikipedia entry, describing this site as a "moronblog maintained by a moron."

For once, I suppose, Wikipedia is accurate enough.

Deletion: I took a shot at Mickey Rourke; I don't think it's especially deserved, so I deleted it.

Posted by: Ace at 11:52 AM | Comments (42)
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In Defense of Scalia's Textualism
— Ace

It's a simple point, I think. Judges have granted themselves the ultimate say in legislation-- a power not mentioned in the Constitution, and only negated through the extremely difficult amendment process.

Given the scope of this power, shouldn't they restrain themselves in exercising it? Shouldn't they look for outside restraints on the scope of their self-declared power, rather than relying upon their own whims or idiosyncratic (and politicized) senses of "justice"?

And if they're looking for an outside restraint on their power, why not allow the actual words of the Constitution itself -- the document they are supposedly interpreting, and the document from which they supposedly derive their power to overrule Congresses and Presidents -- to be that external restraint?

By refusing to be bound by the actual words of the Constitution, liberal activist judges have both made a mockery of their own claims of "interpreting" the document, and have futhermore thrown off the last restraints on their incredible power, retraint that could be obtained by simply limiting themselves to words found explicitly within the four corners of the Constitution.

Right Reason makes similar points, only better. And also starts off by quoting one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies-- the "subtext/text" bit from Whit Stilman's bumptuously-jingoistic Barcelona.

Posted by: Ace at 10:18 AM | Comments (21)
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Ted Kennedy Celebrates Abu Ghraib Anniversary By Getting Drunk, Removing Pants In Palm Beach Restaurant
— Ace

Well, not really, but he did use the word "torture" 38 times.

Arthur Cherenkoff notes he didn't have much to say on the good anniversaries:

Senator Edward Kennedy didn't have anything to say on 19 March, the second anniversary of the start of the liberation of Iraq. In fact, he kept quiet until two days later, only to talk about President Bush's judicial appointments. Senator Kennedy didn't have anything to say on 9 April, the second anniversary of the liberation of Baghdad and the end of Saddam's regime. In fact, he kept quiet until the following day, when he spoke on the occasion of receiving a community award.

"Avenue B Alum" suggests that as long as we're noting anniversaries, we ought to note this one, coming up July 19th. Ted Kennedy's own version of PT-109 of course, but not quite fit for Profiles in Courage.

Thanks to the very good Hotline Blogometer for the LGF and Cherenkoff tips.

And yet still no Ace of Spades. Douchebag.

Posted by: Ace at 07:53 AM | Comments (10)
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HWWNBN: War on Terror a Cover For Banning Gay Marriage
— Ace

Thanks to AllahPundit, who reads HWWNBN so that I don't have to:

But in my darker moments, I wonder whether the war wasn't a cover to persuade good, open-minded folk like Glenn to enable the theocratic impulses of the Republican base. Of course, Glenn can wait and see. Gay couples who have had basic rights taken away from them since November, might feel more aggrieved.

Unfortunately, there is no category called "In My Darker Moments," but I imagine it must be either "disgusted" or "nauseated" or even "Filled with Heart-Ache at Such Gobsmacking Vileness."

Wizbang!, Allah, and I will have to confer on this very important matter. Expect a change in the Freak-Out Advisory.

Update: After delicate negotiatons and painstaking analysis, the Freak-Out has been raised to the redline.

Posted by: Ace at 07:45 AM | Comments (54)
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Punk'd: Brosnan Will Remain Bond
— Ace

When I was hyping Clive Owens as Bond, I did mean to say: You know, this always happens in the Bond franchise. When the current Bond wants more money, he makes noises about being tired of the role, and the producers at EON begin claiming that so-and-so is ready to be signed to replace him.

Happened with Roger Moore after two or three movies. They kept saying, in fact, that they were all ready to sign Brosnan, before they'd finally come to terms with Moore again.

So, alas, stiff prissyboy Pierce will continue to be the second-worst Bond of all time, at least for the next film.

Posted by: Ace at 07:37 AM | Comments (59)
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Shock: MSM Headlines Deliberately Distort Duelfer's "No Transfer to Syria" Claim
— Ace

No evidence of an official transer, he wrote.


The group also said it had been unable to complete its investigation because of security concerns and couldn't rule out an "unofficial" transfer of material.

Funny... I don't remember seeing anything about that in a headline, or even a sub-hed. At least not before a blogger bothered to read the report.

Yeahp... bloggers are just a bunch of overcaffeinated, overopinionated morons who can't read official government reports like the geniuses making up our press corps.

We're just too glib and too lacking in "nuance." Unlike the MSM, which takes great pains to get the stories "100% accurate" in all their particulars and never deliberately leaves out important qualifications in order to slant a story to their liking.

Via Instapundit, who writes on a fifth-grade level.

The Ace of Spades Blog

You need to be This Tall to enter this blog. With Instapundit, anyone can get on, like that queerbait teacup ride for kids.

Adding "Nuance": VonKreedon has difficulty discerning the main story/headine/bulletpoint from something buried in a story and not very loudly trumpted by the MSM, as usual. So I edited to note the headlines and sub-heds all seemed to omit this key fact.

Posted by: Ace at 07:30 AM | Comments (9)
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This Will Be the Most-Linked Post On INTERNET Within 24 Hours
— Ace

Not necessarily this post; maybe Bill's post. I got it from him.

Why? Because bloggers are attention-starved narcissists who just want feedback, even if it's from a software program.

Bill's link leads to a site that will analyze your site -- your whole site, I guess -- for "readability."

My results:

Fog Readability Index: Retarded
Flesch Reading Ease: Sub-Cretinous
Flesch-Kincaid Grade: Easily comprehensible by foreigners speaking English as a second (or third) language whose vocabulary is largely limited to swear-words and stock phrases like "Where do they keep the hookers in NY anymore?"

But seriously... My God, I write almost at a 7th grade level (ALMOST! 6.96, if you want to know the truth!).

On the other hand, my 9.97 on the Fog Index puts me in the 8-10 range of "most popular novels," and almost exactly equal to Time's rating of 10. The "Flesh Reading Ease" score clocks in at 68.67, which is comfortably in the 60-70 range most authors are encouraged to write in.

So I'm doing just fine, overall.

But that 7th grade thing sort of hurts.

The truth does that sometimes.

Instapundit's A Bigger Moron Than Me Update!

His results:

Gunning Fog Index 8.64 (a point less than mine)
Flesch Reading Ease 68.93 (a tick less than mine)
Flesch-Kincaid Grade 5.63 (YESSS!!!!)

Hah! Not even three-quarters of the way through fifth grade! Moron!

Then again, his score is almost certainly deflated by those myriad one-syllable "Heh's."

My Co-Host Is An Even Bigger Moron Than I Am Update: Which sucks, because I want her to be the smart one, the Tina Fey to my Jimmy Fallon.

But it's not to be. Karol from Alarming News is almost as stupid as Instapundit:

Gunning Fog Index 8.58
Flesch Reading Ease 71.96
Flesch-Kincaid Grade 5.72

Not even sixth grade. For crying out loud.

This show's going to be a disaster.

Posted by: Ace at 06:36 AM | Comments (36)
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Most Overrated Album of All Time?
— Ace

I love the Beatles, but it's gotta be Sgt. Pepper.

Take the poll.

PS, if you choose The Wall, you're a moron, and will be banned from the site forever.

Posted by: Ace at 06:09 AM | Comments (121)
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The TruGlo Bible: Because You Want the Word of God To Glow In the Dark
— Ace

It worked for Frisbees, why not the Holy Covenant?

Next up: Tickle Me Leviticus.

Posted by: Ace at 06:00 AM | Comments (2)
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Support the Iraqi "Resistance!"
— Ace

Speaking of brains clogged with bong-resin...

Put Down Your White Man's Burden, Support Iraqi Resistance

A Radical Opinion?

Nah. Not at all. What would give you that idea? Dummy.


Uchhhhh... I have a feeling she's related to Wendie Jo Sperber, who just about ruined Bosom Buddies as well as pretty much every B- grade comedy she was cast in.

She was Rosie O'Donnell before Rosie O'Donnell. Fat people can be funny, but it's not like you're a laugh-riot just because you're a couple of hundred pounds over ideal weight.

"Before we prescribe how a pristine Iraqi resistance must conduct their secular, feminist, democratic, nonviolent battle, we should shore up our end of the resistance by forcing the U.S. and its allied governments to withdraw from Iraq."


A quote from Arundhati Roy, who'll soon be the subject of her own "Magical Retard" biopic.

"Before we prescribe how a pristine Iraqi resistance must conduct their secular, feminist, democratic, nonviolent battle..."

Right. I notice a lot of jihadis burning their bras.

Well, they burn some bras. Like when they blow up a bus filled with schoolgirls, I'm sure some bras get burned up along with the 12-year-old human bodies. So that's something.

UNCONDITIONALLY-that's the way I support the Iraqi Resistance these days.

Unconditionally. Right. I--

I can't go on. It's just too stupid.

Jewish Grandmother Voice ON: For this I saved and scrimped to send you to college? Oh, you're a big-shot now, with your support of foreign terrorists and all... no don't bother calling, I'm sure you've got very important terrorist-fundraising to do... JGV OFF.

Thanks to Some Poor Schmuck.

Correction: Wendie Jo, not Amy Jo.

I think she played "Amy" on Bosom Buddies.

Thanks to Dave. At least he didn't tell me this was "old."

Posted by: Ace at 05:55 AM | Comments (7)
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The Left Ruins Everything It Touches
— Ace

A part of me has just been ripped, the pages of my mind have slipped.


Ugggccchhh. It's so awful I'm almost sure it's an actual Stormtrooper from Star Wars III. Lucas put him in because his stupid kids told him "the forces of evil have to be nicer, funnier, and more colorful, like Jar-Jar."

The good thing about this "Peace Trooper" is that you wouldn't even need the Jedi Mind trick. His brain is so clogged with bong-resin you'd just have say -- no force-tricks involved -- "These aren't the droids you're looking for," and he'd be like, "What? Huh? Oh yeah. Droids. I guess they're not. Thanks for doing me the solid of telling me that, dude. Hey-- got some weeeeeeeed?"

Thanks to It's a Pundit, who's having a caption contest.

Posted by: Ace at 05:33 AM | Comments (32)
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RWN Interviews Byron York
— Ace

Cool stuff:

John Hawkins: I want to ask you another question and you're in a particularly good place to answer this because I know in the book you interviewed and talked to a lot of Democrats, a lot of liberals. One thing conservatives often grapple with is when liberals say things like: "Conservatives want a theocracy," or that "Iraq was a war for oil," or even that "Bush is another Hitler," -- how much of that is something they believe? I mean, do they really think that's the case or is that just the spin they're trying to get out there for the public?

Byron York: One of the things I did in this book was to take these people seriously. I didn't dismiss them as nuts or cyncis. I think that a number of them actually believe the things they're saying and so I take it pretty much at face value. I do have a chapter on this whole idea of a theocracy and the accusation on the Left that Bush is ushering in a theocracy in the country.

I discussed the ideas of a man named Mark Crispin Miller who's a writer and a professor at New York University and the ideas will just kind of blow you away if you listen to them or read them. He really believes that Bush is leading a covert effort to establish a theocracy in the United States based on the first five books of the Old Testament which will include things like death by stoning for adultery and things like that. It seems just kooky; I mean it really seems kooky. On the other hand, I do take him seriously and I believe that part of them actually believe this -- as wild and, you know, unattached from reality as this seems.

You ought to believe it, Byron; that's what I'm waiting for myself. Essentially I'm pining for the day Bush finally grows a pair of balls and imposes a Children of the Corn like existence on the entire country, with Men in Black playing the enforcer role previously filled by Malachai.

Plus, we'll all get to change our names to those cool-ass Biblical handles. I've got my eyes on Ezekiah, but Lot is coming on strong lately, too.

Posted by: Ace at 05:20 AM | Comments (9)
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