March 31, 2005

AllahPundit Presents the Ultimate Mash-Up: Lionel Ritchie Versus... Pat O' Brien
— Ace

AllahPundit made this.

And sent it to me. What a nice feller, huh? Weird that the freak won't even have a beer with me, but, whatever. Keep the cool photoshops and audiofiles coming.

Anyway... the following does not constitute copyright infringement, as it is a parody making fair use of previously-recorded material, and furthermore the previously-recorded material it samples is now debased to the point of unlistenability, and does not therefore compete with the original for sales.

That out of the way...

...and hoping Pixy will forgive me for uploading a large file before getting his explicit okay...

I proudly present, produced by AllahPundit, Lionel Ritchie's Hello, with additional guest vocals by Pat O'Brien. (Big file: 3.74MB.)

Content Warning, once again!

It may not be quite safe for work, but it's funny enough to gamble your future employment on.

Posted by: Ace at 09:20 PM | Comments (33)
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Claim: Black Holes Don't, and Can't, Exist
— Ace

I might have spent my formative years studying the basic physics that would allow me to comprehend this article. Instead, I spent that time learning how to craft "your mother's a whore" jokes.

Kids: seriously. Study up. Or else this bullshit is your future.

Anyway, one scientist says that what we term black holes are just stars that have converted to "dark energy":

Black holes are staples of science fiction and many think astronomers have observed them indirectly. But according to a physicist at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California, these awesome breaches in space-time do not and indeed cannot exist.

Over the past few years, observations of the motions of galaxies have shown that some 70% the Universe seems to be composed of a strange 'dark energy' that is driving the Universe's accelerating expansion.

George Chapline thinks that the collapse of the massive stars, which was long believed to generate black holes, actually leads to the formation of stars that contain dark energy. "It's a near certainty that black holes don't exist," he claims.

...

[A]s long ago as 1975 quantum physicists argued that strange things do happen at an event horizon: matter governed by quantum laws becomes hypersensitive to slight disturbances. "The result was quickly forgotten," says Chapline, "because it didn't agree with the prediction of general relativity. But actually, it was absolutely correct."

This strange behaviour, he says, is the signature of a 'quantum phase transition' of space-time. Chapline argues that a star doesn't simply collapse to form a black hole; instead, the space-time inside it becomes filled with dark energy and this has some intriguing gravitational effects.

This is certainly all very intriguing and exciting even if I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Like the first time I had sex. Or, to be honest, the last time I had sex, too.

There's another thing I could have spent my younger years getting good at.

Posted by: Ace at 08:53 PM | Comments (27)
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The Eternal Battle: Dorks Versus Gaywads
— Ace

"Darkon," which seems to be a documentary about SCA-types-- guys and gals who get together in homemade armor and bop each eachother with padded "swords."

Bbeck almost just passed out from the excitement.

Sadly enough, it's not as dorky as one might hope-- these guys seem in a little better shape than I'd've guessed. And they're certainly exercising more than I do.

Still, kinda funny... especially when the "Kings" deliver great speeches about oppression and freedom, with Hyundais and soccer-goals plainly visible in background. But ratchet expectations down-- this isn't any "LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!" screamer.

Via Dave from Garfield Ridge.

Update: Bbeck says this isn't anything like the SCA, which she, um, implies is much, err, "cooler." SCA is sort of a real athletic contest, with winners and losers and everything, whereas this is just a bunch of guys running around in their mothers' bath-towels.

Or something. I didn't really bother to read her long explanation, because midway through I realized I still would like to get laid again at some point in my future.

And I just didn't think knowing the difference between LARPing and SCAing would help that cause.

Posted by: Ace at 07:11 PM | Comments (34)
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"I Hate These Bloody People" -- "Yeah, Big Time!"
— Ace

Prince Charles' candid comments about the press are picked up by microphones.

Posted by: Ace at 02:38 PM | Comments (17)
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Sandy "Socks" Berger Agrees To Plead Guilty
— Ace

...but only to the misdemeanor of "mishandling" classified documents.

Thanks to See-Dub for the tip.

Flashback Funny: Mystical Artifacts Removed From Top-Secret Government Warehouse; Sandy Berger Claims "Mishandling" of Ark of the Covenant "Entirely Inadvertent"

Man, I'm funny. I'm so funny sometimes people don't realize how fuckin' funny I am, and I have to keep re-posting the shit they were too stupid to know was funny until they finally get it through their stupid retard-brains and say, "Hey, you know what? That was some kind of fuckin' funny shit there, feller."

Posted by: Ace at 01:12 PM | Comments (17)
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9-1-1 Call: "I've Asked Them Four Times to Give Me a Western Bacon Cheeseburger"
— Ace

She calls 9-1-1 because they won't get her order right, and are "mopping up" and ignoring her.

She tells the 9-1-1 dispatcher: "You're supposed to be protecting me."

Is this a real call or a prank? I don't know. It actually sounds real.

It's funny either way.

Thanks to George Gaskell.

Again-- I'm sorry for all the light-hearted stuff. It just worked out that way.


Posted by: Ace at 12:44 PM | Comments (16)
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More Bad News: Oil to "Super-Spike"... to $105/Barrel?!
— Ace

According to a Goldman Sachs report (this article also lifted from Drudge).

What the hell is there to say about this, except-- gulp?

This would be bad. This would send us into Carter-like recession. Maybe worse.

Phil Flynn, senior market analyst at Alaron.com, said $105 oil is technically possible but not likely for at least 3 years and only if a major supply disruption, such as a halt to imports from Saudi Arabia, occurred.

'The timing of the report was conducive to the rally,' Flynn said. 'It's just another reason to be long. There's no doubt we're in a new bull market for crude oil.' Hear audio interview.

John Kilduff, energy risk analyst Fimat USA, agreed that the $105 price assumes a major supply disruption in Saudi Arabia or a Venezuelan embargo on shipments to the U.S.

'I don't know how they get to that number, short of a significant supply disruption event occurring,' he said.

'It's more reflective, to be fair, of the psychology of the energy market right now that there's going to be tremendous demand growth in the late third and the fourth quarter of this year. That's going to put the producers of crude oil in an extremely challenging position in terms of meeting that demand, and that's what is being priced in right now.'


Posted by: Ace at 12:25 PM | Comments (19)
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Pope Given Last Rites
— Ace

I have little to add, except space for commenting and prayers.

I have to say-- I'm sorry, it looks like I really picked the wrong day to be completely flip and humorous.

Posted by: Ace at 12:16 PM | Comments (34)
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The Flame War Thread
— Ace

Go ahead; it's about time.

Let's be honest: I don't like any of you, and you don't like each other. Which I can understand, because you're a bunch of dribbling imbeciles, a pack of wild retards fighting with one another over who can best manage to stay within the lines while colorin'.

You can have your stupid moron-talk in this thread. It seems wrong to have you simpering fuckweasels jackassing around in a thread that is partly devoted to the death of Terri Schiavo.

So have at it, cretins. I wash my hands of the lot of you.

Thread Ended. Flame War Suspended. Until you guys annoy me again.

Posted by: Ace at 11:21 AM | Comments (259)
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The Right Is Furiously Debating the Terri Debacle... And What's Wrong With That?
— Ace

Alarming News notes, mostly correctly, that lately it seems it's only the right debating much of anything at all.

There are strong disagreements between libertarians and actual conservatives, traditionalists and so-called South Park Republicans.

We hash these disagreements out. We more often than not remain in disagreement, as is usually the case in any disagreement.

It's not necessarily unhealthy.

In fact, it's rather the whole point of democracy.

A Not-So-Rosy-Perspective Update: Goodness me! What a shock! The New York Times publishes a major Republican in an op-ed... slamming the Republican Party and the Christian right!

Gee, that doesn't ever happen eight days a week.

Sarcasm aside, however, John Danforth is a fairly solid conservative, and when he hits the panic button on Religious Right influence in the GOP, that may be a sign that the GOP's social conservative base may be overreaching -- with possibly disasterous results for the next cycles of elections.

Even if it's not so dire, this piece will be quoted ad nauseam by the liberal media to convince the remaining moderates in the country that the GOP is just plain scary.

Thanks to KCTrio for the head's up.

Posted by: Ace at 09:57 AM | Comments (22)
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Blogger FlameWar
— Ace

Hmmmm... You know, I really would have imagined that I would be part of something like this, rather than sitting on the sidelines saying "Please! Please, fellas! Let's all be nice!"

Jeff Goldstein is angry about Hundred Percenter's with-us-or-against-us attitude on Terri, and especially angry about what seems to me to be a gratuitous remark about getting his "beenie" in a twist.

I suppose that could be read, charitably, as a reference to the old academic beanies worn by freshmen in, like, 900 A.D., but I kinda doubt it.

HundredPercenter baits back about Goldstein being a crybaby.

I realize this is a highly emotional issue. One reason I've managed to maintain some amount of perspective -- despite being strongly in the pro-Terri camp -- is that I know good-meaning and good-hearted people that, for whatever reason, just don't seem to get what this case was about.

Whether wrapped up in abortion rights, or mistakenly thinking this was a standard right-to-die case, or being subconsciously biased against the Christian right, or putting a bit too much faith in the rulings of a single judge, or just being not very well acquainted with the facts of the case -- a lot of people of good will have erred in their judgment and have supported, with good but mistaken intentions, the euthanization of physically-healthy woman on the thinnest possible evidence that such constituted her "true wishes."

They're not bad people. They're good people. They are just, like many good people are from time to time, very wrong about something rather important.

We will disagree from time to time. Not just on the right, but between right and left. And -- can't believe I'm saying this -- we can disagree without being disagreeable.

We can. I personally choose to be disagreeable, of course, but we -- by which I mean "you" -- can manage to remain civil, if we try.

I think I might have mentioned this before, but it's still worth remembering. I was posting on Slate's Fray at the time of the Clinton Impeachment Wars, which made for very angry and often personal on-line spats. During a particularly nasty exchange, one guy popped in-- a guy I'd never seen before -- and shared these words of wisdom:

You guys know that when the space aliens come, we're all gonna be on the same side, right?

Something to think about.

But HundredPercenter -- not looking to get de-linked or anything, but have a bit of caution about plainly Jew-baiting remarks. What does that accomplish? Nothing, nothing except animosity and hurt feelings.

Plus, those people control the media.


Thanks to Windrider 95.

Playing Ref: Jeff, I think you were way out-of-line to insult someone as a "Christ-humper." You're guilty of the same sin you're protesting, and the "she did it first" defense won't wash.

You can insult someone you're angry with without also insulting believing Christians, too.

Don't defend it. Apologize and retract. You're better than that. I think.

A quick apology is usually better than a prologned bout of back-tracking and "explaining." It's quick and painless and you even gain "manful admission" points.

Posted by: Ace at 08:51 AM | Comments (80)
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On a Lighter Note...
— Ace

Their headline, not mine:

Thief Steals Poop From Woman Walking Dog


Police said they were searching for a gunman who ran up to a woman while she was walking her dog Monday night and grabbed the bag she was holding. It contained poop.

When the gunman discovered what was in it, he threw it down in disgust, pointed his gun at the 32-year-old woman and demanded money....

He then aimed his .22-caliber semiautomatic at the dog, named Misty, and pulled the trigger twice but the gun didn't fire.

Bear in mind that the bag containing the poop was most likely not a Kate Spade leather daypouch. More likely a paper or plastic bag.

And yet this gunman was all hot for that paper or plastic bag. Think of the bountiful riches it might have contained... tampons, Tropical Fruit Tums EX, maybe a hot-dog or pretzel.

Dave from Garfield Ridge quoted Spaceballs the other day: "Evil will always triumph, because good... is dumb."

Fortunately, in most cases, that's actually 100% backwards.

I have to give Yahoo props for using the word "Poop" in a headline.

Somewhere in New York, Robert Smigel, the guy who does Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, just smiled and said, "Thank you, God. Now I can milk this stale bit for at least one more month."

Thanks to GregS.


Posted by: Ace at 07:04 AM | Comments (5)
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Terri Schiavo, Requiescat In Pacem
— Ace

The amazing thing is that she lived as long as she did, without food or water.

Jesus, you'd almost begin to suspect she was a basically healthy woman capable of living a longish life so long as she was the subject of "heroic medical intervention," i.e., water and nutrition.

Obviously sad news. Now Michael Schiavo can continue tormenting the parents by not even agreeing to their requests for a Catholic burial.

Life is for the living, and funerals especially so. A lot of people seem blithe about euthanizing this woman on an ex-husband's say so. I kinda think this funeral dispute demonstrates a certain amount of bad faith and vindictiveness. For the love of God, you're killing their daughter; can't you even give her the sort of burial the parents wish?

But no. Another one of Terri's strangely detailed oral demands about her death involved cremation. And it's soooo important to cremate her, because, you know, like she's going to know the difference.

Let me just say on a personal note-- a close family member has indicated to me her desire to be cremated upon death, chiefly because she doesn't want to be such a bother to the surviving family. And of course I would respect that wish... unless it was extremely important to other family members. I really don't think she'd mind if I arranged a burial instead, if it could bring peace or comfort to those she'd be leaving behind.

But... Terri wanted to starve to death. Terri wanted to be cremated. Terri seemed to be quite the gabber with respect to issues of death, near-death, and its aftermath.

A sad day.

We've come to the point where you don't have to execute a living will to indicate your intention to die when deemed inconvenient by your family. Henceforth, death is the default; you need to sign a living will to make clear your desire to live.

Although, who knows-- somewhere down the line, I'm sure a clearly stated, signed, and witnessed "I would like to live" living will be invalidated on the say-so of a fled husband as well.

Too Late, But a Good Point: Many liberals were as outraged by this Kafkaesque tragedy as many conservatives. But oddly, not as many as you might have expected. Mickey Kaus notes that it's the liberals wo are most likely to posit "medical miracles" just around the corner due to, say, stem-cell research, and yet notes, quoting an email correspondent:

In watching the coverage of the Schiavo saga unfurl I am struck by the absence of the pro-medical miracle Left, if I may so anoint them.

Well? Are these medical miracles on the way or not? If they're not, then shut up about stem-cells. If they are-- why shouldn't Terri Schiavo have had the benefit of being allowed to live until the coming of these medical breakthroughs we're all so eagerly anticipating?

The Good, the Bad, and the Vicious: You know, people who wanted to keep Terri alive are so plainly evil they deserve to have their computers infected with a virus. Maybe if the computer gets really infected, we can euthanize it as well.

LesbienCestMoi, an angel in this fight, warns that emails from "JebBush@myflorida.com" contain a virus (scan down for second entry).

I'm so glad that all on the left care so passionately for the principle of the right to free speech without "chilling"... or computer virus payback.

That said-- there were some liberals who showed not just conscience but bravery on this issue. They knew damn well they were going against The Collective; they did so anyway.

Hell-- even Jesse Jackson. Jesse Jackson!

Posted by: Ace at 06:16 AM | Comments (62)
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Who Died And Made Judges Kings?
— Ace

Vote for Judges is annoyed at the liberal elitist preference for rule by a judicial revolutionary vanguard.

Posted by: Ace at 06:03 AM | Comments (8)
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March 30, 2005

Revealed: The Private Correspondence of Pat O'Brien (w/AllahPundit Update)
— Ace

patobrien-thumb.jpg

Don't ask how. I've got my sources.

Go here for the background; or just download the must-listen tapes from here. WARNING: Not safe for work, and not safe for home, either, in at least 12 states (consult your local statutes if you're unsure).

Veru Strong Profanity/Sexual Content Warning For Rest of Post. You know the sort of things this guy says.

PS! AllahPundit Update Added Below, Too! more...

Posted by: Ace at 09:06 PM | Comments (27)
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Another Blogger Quits
— Ace

Just one less body I have to clamber over in my well-nigh inevitable rise to fame and fortune beyond belief:

I've told myself when I began to blog that I will carry on as long as I enjoy myself. This blog has been more for myself than for others. When it came to a point where I began to write for others, I knew something was wrong.

I didn't start this to make money. But now, I'm too preoccupied with Google Adwords and how to make more money.

And?

I didn't start this to build big traffic. But now, I'm too preoccupied analyzing traffic patterns and how to build them further.

I don't understand what you're driving at.

I didn't start this to become India's top blogger or to be the most influential one. But now that I have, I'm too preoccupied retaining that position.

India has bloggers? Shit, how many? Seems like a smaller market; maybe I should try my luck over there.

What is the deal with nan? Is it a bread, is it a pita-- what is it?

See, nothin' to it, really.

Obviously, somewhere I lost focus. And I quite don't like that.

Hmmm... this is startin' to sound like whiny pussy-shit to me.

There are other exciting things I'm very passionate about. And I would like to focus my time and energy on them.

I've got other things I'm passionate about, too. Like selling cool-ass t-shirts, and whining for donations.

And porn, of course. But what are you going to do with the other ten hours of the day?

Just kidding, really. This does get to be a grind, like anything else. But, as Ensign Mayo said, "I've got nowhere else to go... I've got nowhere else to go...! Oh boo hoo, boo hoo fuckin' hoo..."

Via Insty.

Posted by: Ace at 05:51 PM | Comments (18)
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I Will Make Tina Brown My Dirty Dirty Blog-Whore
— Ace

You want a piece of this, Tina?

Ya better think about it.

Annoying. She's vapid and chatty enough in written articles and on TV; she'll be positively insufferable in the loosey-goosey medium of the blog.

I have a feeling she'll be making Michael Musto seem like a formal technical writer.

But I will make her my dirty dirty blog-whore. That is my promise to you, my good readers.

Posted by: Ace at 04:50 PM | Comments (22)
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Re-Linking: Panic Disorder (Or, How Jay Mohr Pretty Much Saved My Life)
— Ace

I'm re-linking this because I was just discussing this deal with a poster via email. A couple of people have told me this post actually helped them realize they had panic disorder and convinced them to get the treatment for it they needed.

So, who knows, it's possible there are a couple of newer readers out there who need to read it too.

Long story short: if you're experiencing odd panic attacks -- which you might be calling "anxiety," incorrectly -- you're not going crazy, you're not going to die, and there's nothing wrong with you that can't be fixed -- relatively easily, in 90% of cases.

And you must get it fixed. Don't keep living with it.

Panic gave me the worst years of my entire life. I want those years back, but they're gone forever now.

Posted by: Ace at 03:02 PM | Comments (43)
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CNN Headline News Passes MSNBC
— Ace

Pretty embarassing... now they're the fourth most-watched (ahem) cable news network.

Whatever MSNBC is paying Keith Olbermann, CNN Headline News should double it... to keep him working at MSNBC.

Posted by: Ace at 02:04 PM | Comments (5)
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