July 31, 2004

Where's the Bounce?, Part II: Nerds in Paradise
— Ace

Okely-dokely. Yesterday I noted, following Politburo Diktat, that Kerry's much-vaunted convention bounce seemed, like Kerry's presence in the Senate, missing in action.

Some commentors noted that Rasmussen's polling that day only included some small fraction of interviews conducted during or after Kerry's speech.

That was a well-founded criticism.

But here's the deeley-oh, as the kids say. Now we have another full day of post-convention polling, and Kerry's lead-- which had stood at 3% -- has grown to a whopping one percent.

Was 48-45. Now 47-46.

Ummmm... isn't a "bounce" supposed to go the other way?

The theory that Kerry's best chance to steal the presidency is by way of an Invisible Man strategem seems to be buttressed by the latest numbers.

Bush obviously had a very good Friday night. We'll soon see if that was an aberration or something more substantial.

Posted by: Ace at 07:58 AM | Comments (57)
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Strong Bias From the NY Times
— Ace

Stay on message... stay on message...:

Meanwhile, Dems worked overtime trying to associate John Kerry and his running-mate, John Edwards, with the words "strong" and "strength."

The idea was meant to overcome the duo's hard-earned reputation for weakness on defense issues, given that the nation is at war. Kerry led the way, uttering some form of "strong" at least 17 times.

But maybe the biggest boost came from a newspaper: The New York Times.

"Edwards Gives Strong Tribute As Democrats Nominate Kerry," read its four-column, lead headline on Thursday (all emphasis added).

On Friday, the paper went whole hog for the cause: "Strong Show of 'Strength'," read a Page One analysis that itself noted the nominee's efforts to paint himself as "strong."

I should say so!

A strong show of strength? Is this a frickin' joke?

Planned headline for Bush's address: A Retarded Display of Retardation.

That should "balance" things out nicely.

But the Times doesn't stop there. Oh, no. Check out this headline today: The Nominee Seems a Happy Warrior.

Hmmm, why stop there? The Strong Happy Optimistic Prosperity Family-Fun-Time Nominee Seems a Very Happy Strong Tough-but-Fair Free-Sex Party-Time SuperWarrior of Mega-Strength.

They really should give me a job. I can bang these out right off the top of my head.


Posted by: Ace at 06:35 AM | Comments (22)
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Supporting Our Troops: "All anyone wants to write about is our dead and wounded"
— Ace

This attitude -- giving defeats and uprisings and bodybags front-page coverage, while relegating victories to page A16 -- couldn't possibly hurt troop morale, could it?

Everytime our troops are killed, it's mentioned, usually in in the top third or even the first or second story, on the network newscasts.

When's the last time you saw such prominent reportage of our hundreds of clear victories? Victories in which twenty or thirty or forty terrorists are killed with minimal or zero American casualties?

Most often, I see the press refer to such enemy kills as "Iraqis." Iraqis. Not enemy fighters. Not foreign enemy fighters, which is what most of them are. Just "Iraqis." Some Iraqi civilians just out for a stroll whom our troops massacred.

Anyway:

"Once we got in the city, we had hundreds and hundreds of people trying to kill us," said the [soldier fighting in Fallujah, a] native of El Paso, Tex., recalling how the cascade of enemy shell casings from windows above the Marines sounded like a never-ending slot machine payout.

After braving enemy fire four times to evacuate wounded Marines, Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason "Doc" Duty received a medal nomination that reads, "As bullets impacted within inches of his head, Duty remained resolute in his mission."

...

More than 50 Marines from Echo Company have been recognized for valor between March 18 and April 26, when they went into Fallujah to root out insurgents after four civilian contract workers were murdered and two of the bodies hanged from a bridge.

The battalion's Fox Company has recommended about 20 Marines for medals.

"My boys are superheroes," said Capt. D.A. Zembiec, the Echo company commander who climbed atop a tank while under fire to guide it to where his men were pinned down. "I got guys with two Purple Hearts still out here working."

...

As word of the violence spread, the media gathered for a closer look.

When insurgents attacked Marines in a house, Lance Cpl. John Flores, 21, stood outside protecting the left flank. Wounded twice, Flores could have left for treatment, but he said he didn't have the heart to leave his fellow Marines.

"One reporter said, 'It can't be that bad,' " recalled 1st Sgt. William Skiles, Echo Company's top enlisted man.

"Well," Skiles recalled, "the Armored Assault Vehicle had just stopped to let the media off when the first (assault rifle) rounds flew overhead. Then came the (rocket propelled grenades). There weren't a whole lot of stories filed that day because the reporters were face down in the dirt."

During the encounter, journalists often asked Skiles, 43, of San Juan Capistrano, for information for their reports about the fighting, but he thought they were missing something.

"I kept thinking: What about valor? Why weren't any of the reporters interested in the valor of our Marines?

"All anyone wants to write about is our dead and wounded," he said, thumbing through military papers that included nominations for Silver and Bronze stars.

It would be nice to see Our Patriotic American Media give greater coverage to stories like the ones recounted here. I'd excerpt, but there's very little of the story that's not worth excerpting. Read the whole thing, as the man says.

It's a sick world where Michael Moore is lauded for having the "courage" to make a film guaranteed to win him praise from his peers and millions in profit, while the guys who actually have courage -- the real kind, not the fakey "artistic bravery" sort -- can't get a single column inch on the front page of any of our very patriotic newspapers.

Posted by: Ace at 06:26 AM | Comments (13)
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Supreme Court Orders Bologna Sandwich Freed
— Ace

Court: Eighth Amendment Bars Executing Sandwiches, Retards; also, Retarded Sandwiches

IMPACTING HARD...

WORLD EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT DRUDGE! I MEAN, ME!

WASHINGTON -- In an order announced by Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the US Supreme Court has ruled "political prisoner" Johnny Coldcuts' request for a habeas corpus hearing and ordered him released immediately.

"The American system of justice requires that all detainees be granted a chance for a fair hearing before a civilian court," the brief order stated. "Detainees, whether alleged 'terrorists,' or 'foul-mouthed time-travelling bologna sandwiches,' cannot be held indefinitely at the whim of the Justice Department, or even right-wing bloggers trolling for donations."

Having reached the threshold determination that Johnny Coldcuts was entitled to a hearing, the Court then made the rare decision to rule on the petition's merits, and found that Johnny Coldcuts had the "mental capacity of an eight year old boy." "The petitioner, Mr. Coldcuts, talks about nothing except knockers and weiners and 'stinkybutts,'" Ms. Ginsberg declared from the steps of the Supreme Court. "As we found earlier in this term, in U.S. v. Wonkette, persons behaving in such a fashion are presumptively retarded. The State failed to carry the burden of disproving this presumption."

Candle-carrying crowds gathered in Paris last night in a silent vigil to protest Mr. Coldcuts' "political execution" by a "unilateral right-wing American jingoist." Reeking French fucks carring signs reading Forgetez-vous Johnny Coldcuts-- Non stood in a light rain for eight hours to protest the execution. The City Council of Paris had earlier declared Mr. Coldcuts a "political prisoner" and an "honorary citizen" of Paris.

It is not known at this time why the signs were written in crude fake-French rather than the actual language. Some reporters believed they did so so that FoxNews commentator Bill O'Reilly would understand their message.

The solemn vigil turned to jubilation when the decision was announced in an AFP wire.

Mr. Coldcuts had much to say about his French supporters. "Fuck 'em," he quipped. "I was half-hoping to be shot just to see the looks on their ugly French mugs."

Mr. Coldcuts also announced his decision to file an appeal. "I'm not a retard," he protested. "How the hell do they figure that? I'm an educated, engaging time-traveling bologna sandwich. I've got half a mind to go to Washington and slap Justice Breyer right in his pudgy frigging face."

Ace of Spades, a self-described "Internet Vigilante" who threatened to execute Mr. Coldcuts in order to extort donations from his readers, said he was "satisfied" by the decision. "Okay, look," he said from his ultraswank corporate hedquarters on the secret 103rd floor of the Empire State Building, "I didn't get enough to buy a Ducati. But people did send in money, and that was very generous. And it isn't just the money-- it's also the fact that people cared enough to make such a generous gesture."

He leans back in his chair. "But mostly, you know, it's the money itself. If you put a gun to my head, I'd say it's 90% 'the money,' and 10% 'the gesture.' Actually, that may be high-balling it a little on 'the gesture' part."

Mr. Spades promised to abstain from ever threatening any other made-up internet characters, "at least until my bandwidth costs go up. Seriously, it costs me like sixty-thousand dollars a month just to keep this site up and running."

Andrew Sullivan was asked for a comment. "Rick Santorum is a homophobic theocrat," he said, completely off-topic, as is his wont. "I have several 'Emails of the Day' which verify that judgment. Also, please send me money."


Thank you for saving my life, dickweeds!


Photo Credit: Used with permission of Enjoy Every Sandwhich. "Sandwich for Skippy" pic created by Zombie and Rowan.


Update: Joshua Micah Legolas Mordecai Sugarfoot "KHHAAAANNNN!" Marshall finds the "timing" of this decision "suspicious." "This news comes just as Kerry goes into a difficult period in his campaign, in which he must conserve campaign cash and use free media to get his message out," Mr. Marshall writes. "I think it's no coincidence that this media circus is sprung on the public at this time."

Mr. Marshall asserted that there were three periods during which the announcement of major news story would be deemed to indicate "suspicious timing": Before Kerry's convention, during Kerry's convention, and after Kerry's convention.

In fact, Mr. Marshall believes the November 2nd date upon which the election is scheduled is in fact possibly "suspiciously timed" itself. "How can we be sure that Kerry will be ahead in the polls on that one day of the whole year?" he ponders. "What if he's actually behind on November 2nd? That would be pretty suspicious, wouldn't it?"

He vowed he would have much more to say about this matter at a later time of his choosing.

More: Oliver Willis -- "Like Kryptonite to Original Thoughts and Jokes" -- has decided to once again copy from his betters. He is announcing a new pledge drive, titled Give Me Money to Buy Filet-O-Fish Sandwiches or I Will Eat This Filet-O-Fish Sandwich. He has named his Filet-O-Fish sandwich "Johnny Coldcuts," which is not only derivative, but it makes no sense in the context of a Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

Update: The pledge drive ended thirty seconds after it began, when Willis, driven mad by the delicious smell of the fishburger, consumed it in a single gulp.

Posted by: Ace at 03:39 AM | Comments (10)
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July 30, 2004

No Call From the Governor Yet
— Ace

susansarandon.jpg

I've filed an emergency stay with the Supreme Court. We just have to hope now. Hope, and pray.


(crying I'm so... sorry. I'm so... sorry...! Waaaah

susansarandon.jpg
Be strong, Johnny. Have faith.


(wiping eyes I just want you to know... (sniffle)... I appreciate everything you've done for me... (sob)... and how ever this turns out... (blows nose)...
(beat)
You've got just about the most impressive knockers on a fucking nun I've ever seen. I mean, you've got crazy-sick-coming-out-of-your-collar knockers. Your blouse is like Knocker-City. Population: Two.

susansarandon.jpg
(reaches for Johnny Population: Three...

Cue Benny Hill theme.

Posted by: Ace at 05:20 PM | Comments (21)
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Baghdad Dragnet
— Ace

Missed this yesterday: 270 insurgents arrested in raids.

The claim is that they're 90% foreigners. Call me crazy, but unless an Arab foreigner is employed by Halliburton or such, I don't see any good reason for him to be in Iraq of all places.

Round 'em up, boys. Reinstate Lyddie Englund.

Posted by: Ace at 04:27 PM | Comments (7)
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The Hamster-Whisperer
— Ace

Great stuff.

Posted by: Ace at 03:31 PM | Comments (13)
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Moore's Lies: The Obese Gifts That Keep on Corpulently Giving
— Ace

Un. Frickin'. Believable.

30, 2004 (Bloomington, Ill.) — Filmmaker Michael Moore's Bush-basing documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11" apparently has upset more than Republicans.
The (Bloomington) Pantagraph in central Illinois has sent a letter to Moore asking him to apologize for using what the newspaper says was a doctored front page in the film.

A scene early in the movie shows newspaper headlines related to the legally contested presidential election of 2000. It includes a shot of The Pantagraph's front page with the prominent headline: "Latest Florida recount shows Gore won election."

But the Pantagraph says that headline was never on the front page. It only appeared -- in much smaller type -- above a letter to the editor.

Gee, that's not a misrepresentation or anything, is it? He portrayed the paper as making the factual, reportial claim that Gore won the recount, while the "headline" (such as it was) was only the conclusion of a reader's letter to the editor.

A message left at Lions Gate Entertainment seeking comment from Moore wasn't immediately returned today.

You fat, lying, fat fucking fuck-faced fuck.

Fat.


"The Rules Don't Apply To Me"

Some times I'm a "comedian"
others, a brave muckracking "journalist"
Fact is nothing-- I deal in truth.

Posted by: Ace at 03:21 PM | Comments (11)
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Kerry Rues Clues He May Lose Jews, Anew
— Ace

You know what? Don't even bother reading this story. It's the same story, basically, that I've already linked and that you've already read six billion times.

Jews might go bigger for Bush. Yeah, maybe. Probably not. Sure. What-everrrrr.

I just like the headline.

Ignore everything in this post except the headline. That's a keeper.

Posted by: Ace at 10:59 AM | Comments (12)
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Ben Affleck Banging Kerry Girls?
— Ace

Son of Nixon has a little somethin'-somethin'.

A little more: FoxNews' gossip hound said he was in Ben Affleck's hotel room. Affleck specifically pointed to the bed, which contained the younger of the Kerry girls, whom the the gossip hound hadn't noticed until Affleck pointed her out.

Affleck said gallantly, "Don't write about this."

Well, he did. Which, one presumes, was Affleck's intent.

I hope he marries, or at least knocks up, one of them. The kid'll have a jaw like a skateboard.

Posted by: Ace at 10:36 AM | Comments (14)
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Where's the Bounce?
— Ace

I wanted to hold off crowing about this until we had more numbers and more confidence, but Politburo Diktat has jumped the gun, and he wonders where all of this "bounce" might be.

Politburo Diktat observes, quite smartly, the this non-bounce is "suspiciously timed" to coincide with the end of Kerry's convention-- precisely when he was expecting a bounce.

Can this be a mere coincidence? Doubtful. Think about the odds against that.

I will, per Josh Marshall, have Thoughts of Surpassing Import about this non-occurrence later.

Maybe. Then again, maybe not. Who knows.

Posted by: Ace at 09:44 AM | Comments (11)
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Maybe Time for a Haiku Contest?
— Ace

How about another haiku contest? They can be about Kerry, the convention, or the campaign generally; if there are enough entrants about a particular subject, like Oliver Willis, Joshy Marshall, or Andrew Sullivan, I'll spin off separate categories for those, too.

Lauraw offers the opening entrant, I guess in the General Election category:

Wild Reeds dancing in Summer Storm

Global warming ends
When Kerry is elected;
Teresa's nucking futs

No loose shit/integrity categories this time; that was just a big pain in the ass last time around, as I had to sit there counting syllables to make sure "integrity" entries had the right number. Just make it look vaguely like a real haiku and it's close enough.

I'll keep the contest open until Wednesday, then announce winners on Friday.

Or something.

Winners will be chosen by a celebrity (ahem) panel of myself, Smitty, Johnny Coldcuts (assuming he's alive), Geoffrey the Duck, and perhaps a special mystery guest judge of surpassing "conscious" and integrity.

Posted by: Ace at 09:08 AM | Comments (235)
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More "Suspicious Timing," This Time from Andy
— Ace

Ryan tips this Sullivan quote:

"A sincere and deep word of thanks to all of you who have contributed so far in this pledge week. By being so positive about the Democrats this week, I haven't
exactly picked the smartest moment to ask for support." -- Couple of days ago

Hmmmmm...? Was Sullivan's pro-Kerry boosterism driving down his bandwidth-o-thon money? Well, no problem-- we can fix that!!!:

Well, I guess there was always going to be a reality check. ...One thought sprang into my mind immediately: what an arrogant jerk.

... This was also, it seems to me, a very liberal speech. Domestically, there was no problem the government couldn't help solve. There was support for protectionism, and for penalizing the drug companies. Government-funded research into stem cells was described as revolutionary. But private drug research that has cured millions and saved my own life must be throttled to placate constituencies like the AARP. There was no mention of welfare reform in his past; no mention of education reform; and no firm commitment to seeing the war through in Afghanistan and Iraq. This is obviously what worried me the most. His goal in Iraq is to bring the troops home. Three words: not good enough. Here's the passage about the war:

[Kerry's paragraph:] "I know what we have to do in Iraq. We need a President who has the credibility to bring our allies to our side and share the burden, reduce the cost to American taxpayers, and reduce the risk to American soldiers. That's the right way to get the job done and bring our troops home.

...

No mention of democracy in Iraq or Afghanistan. No mention of the terrorist forces that are amassed there. No reference to the elections scheduled for January. No mention of Iran. And the whole point is about process - about how to wage a war, not whether it should be waged. This is a man who clearly wants the U.S. out of the region where our future is at stake, and who believes that simply by taking office, other powers can somehow pick up the slack. Memo to Kerry: no other powers can pick up the slack. They don't have the troops or the technology or the will. His strategy is pure defense. This sentence is his strongest threat: "Any attack will be met with a swift and certain response." So let's wait, shall we?

And he also touts this as the "best assessment" of Kerry:

The responsibility of sending troops into danger should weigh on a commander in chief. But so must the responsibility of protecting the nation against a shadowy foe not easily deterred by traditional means. Mr. Kerry last night elided the charged question of whether, as president, he would have gone to war in Iraq. He offered not a word to celebrate the freeing of Afghans from the Taliban, or Iraqis from Saddam Hussein, and not a word about helping either nation toward democracy.

But fear not. By Monday, Kerry will be redeemed as a Anti-Terrorist Crusader. This of course will have less to do with anything Kerry says about terrorism than what he doesn't say about gay marriage.

Sullivan seems to have discovered that the relationship between political incoherence and donations is much like the relationship between bisexuality and dating: It doubles your odds of getting lucky.

PS, Liberal Readers: I voted for Clinton in 1992. 'S true.

That's gotta be worth something.

Posted by: Ace at 08:53 AM | Comments (8)
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"Worst Recovery Ever"
— Ace

My Pet Jawa looks into the numbers and finds that we're doing pretty darn well.

Posted by: Ace at 08:37 AM | Comments (6)
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Economic Growth Slows "Dramatically"... Falling All the Way Down to Clinton's Average
— Ace

Let's keep this in perspective, ay?

The growth rate "plunged" to a healthy rate of 3.0% per annum in the second quarter. Clinton's average growth rate was 3.6%; during the much-feted "miracle economy" of which we've heard so much, there were numerous quarters featuring growth of less than one percent per annum, and even the occasional quarter featuring negative growth, or contraction. (Not "recessions," as his negative quarters were never back-to-back, as the common definition of a recession requires.)

Meanwhile, the growth rates during several of the past quarters were revised upwards.

Remember last quarter? The growth rate then had been originally noted as being 4.1% or so; it was then revised downwards to 3.8%, and the media declared -- I kid you not -- that the economy grew "much slower" in the first quarter than previously estimated. Well, now the first quarter GDP has been revised back up to 4.5%, and yet I doubt we'll be hearing the economy grew "much faster" than we'd originally thought.

Should the growth this quarter be revised upwards, as has been the strong trend of late, don't expect to hear about it from CNN.

Meanwhile, the growth for the previous year was revised upwards from a sizzling 4.8% to a downright sensational 5.1%, but don't expect to hear much about that, either.

We'll get one more of these quarterly readings, right before the election.

Now that I've put this into perspective, I'll say this is disappointing news, but only because I was hoping for fairly ridiculous numbers. I wanted a booming economy of such explosive growth that not even the liberal media could downplay it with a straight face. I wanted the election all over but for the shouting, based on economic data alone.

Unless there's a big uptick in growth, I'm sad to say that economic expansion won't be so enormous that the media can't pretend we're in a recession. Bush will have a two-year growth spurt exceeding Clinton's average by a whopping 1% or even 1.5%, and yet the media will compare unfavorable his piddling little 4.6% two-year average to Clinton's magical, supercharged 3.6%.

Which means, probably, that the economy won't re-elect Bush by itself, although it will become a neutral-to-slightly-positive issue. It seems we're going to have to have this stupid election anyway.

And I was so looking forward to a fascist takeover of the nation as predicted by Paul Krugman. Sigh.

Maybe next year. There's always next year.

Posted by: Ace at 08:33 AM | Comments (3)
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July 29, 2004

Is It Over Yet?
— Ace

Well, I got through that without watching so much as five minutes of it. I suppose that, as a political blogger, I was sort of obliged to cover the convention, but I have a good reason for not doing so:

I didn't want to.

What the hell could they say, after all? Figure I'll be different and provide a little counter-programming.

But, now that it's over, let me quote two key Kerry applause lines:

We wil fight a smarter war on terror. We will employ every weapon in our arsenal-- economic as well as military. Principle as well as firepower.

Wow. I figure Al Qaeda is just quivering over that threat.

Until, that is, they realize that "principle" is not in fact a weapon. It is the opposite of a weapon: it's a restraint on one's behavior. An often virtuous restraint, to be sure, but then, the forces of darkness do not tremble at the thought of their enemies behaving civilly towards them.

And that's precisely what John French Kerry promised them. Principle, and plenty of it.

Combining Edwards' and Kerry's promises: We will destroy Al Qaeda-- with principle.

Personally, I prefer killing or capturing as many of these animals as possible, and I'm not very particular as to how that might come to be. I like sausages enough to not question the manner by which the slaughterer and butcher bring them to my table.

Principle is an expensive virtue. It is often worth the costs. It is not worth the costs when we are threatened with thousands of American deaths in one day. If John Kerry fights this war with "principle," I hope he explains to the families of the next victims of terrorism why the abstract notion of principle was more important that doing everything in his power -- everything in his power -- to save their loved ones' lives.

I have a feeling the families of the dead Americans will end up preferring a war fought with more conventional weapons. And -- shivers! -- occasionally some rough handling of captured Al Qaeda mass-murderers.

Next quote:

[speaking about the Woodstock Moment:] It was a time for marching. Marching for civil rights, marching for voters' rights. For the environment, and for women. And for peace. We believed we could change the world, and guess what? We did."

Ahem. This shows the entire problem with liberalism, which remains firmly trapped in a timewarp in which it is always the Summer of Fuckin' Love.

We're in the middle of a war against the most savage animals we've ever faced -- and in terms of pure animal savagery directed towards Americans and American troops, they're far worse than the Nazis -- and this sixties throwback is talking about marching for goddamned peace.

Peace.

War is Over,
if you want it...
War is Over,
if you want it...

Everything is seen by liberal boomers through the prisms of their misspent, selfish, pampered youths, and through their one great triumph over war itself, their campaign to surrender in Vietnam.

If John French Kerry does win this election-- pass the joint. If our commander in chief is going to remain beclouded in a skunky fog of pot and juvenile naivete left hardened over forty fucking years of ignorance and stupidity like so much bong-resin spilled on the floor of your flower-spangled VW Bug, I might as well get stoned while I wait for my own anhiliation.

But when New York is bomed -- this time, bombed hard enough to shut down large sections of the city and leave me dead -- I'll at least be comforted by the notion that John Kerry confronted my killers with principle.

Posted by: Ace at 08:42 PM | Comments (20)
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She Done Put the "Log" in My Neologism
— Ace

Jen Martinez is a little sick of metrosexuals.

She's begun a new movement: Retrosexuals. You know-- men who act like, um, men.

Thanks to the omnilinkable Michelle Malkin.

Posted by: Ace at 03:34 PM | Comments (6)
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Ronald Wilson Reagan Resurrected in Boston
— Ace

QUOTE OF THE DAY: The time is now to resolve that the basis of a firm and principled foreign policy is one that takes the world as it is and seeks to change it by leadership and example; not by harangue, harassment or wishful thinking. The time is now to say that while we shall seek new friendships and expand and improve others, we shall not do so by breaking our word or casting aside old friends and allies." - Ronald Reagan, in his nomination speech in 1980. Doesn't it sound a lot like what you're hearing in Boston?

Guess who...?

Goshdarnit, now even I'm thinking of voting for John Kerry! Two days ago, I thought he was the most liberal senator in congress and a tough-talking, flip-flopping kneejerk pacifist on the war on terrorism; but jeepers, now I find out that he's Reagan's True Heir.

Which will be his next column.

Okay, I'm knocking off for a bit. Several of you think I'm getting too hot and that I need a drink; who am I to argue with such advice? Take care.

Posted by: Ace at 01:46 PM | Comments (6)
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Open Memo
— Ace

To: Al Qaeda-sympathizing liberals

From: Ace of Spades

Re: "Timing"

Sirs:

Please inform us all of when America is permitted to attack or capture Al Qaeda operatives. I ask specifically for you to provide us with a calendar of specified days upon which such anti-terrorist actions are permitted to be conducted.

You keep saying you object to the "timing." Well, then: If it's the timing you object to, surely there must at least nine or ten days between now and November 2nd upon which it is not "suspicious" to hunt terrorists.

I await the announcement of this calendar. Once you have provided it to me, I will coordinate with my corporate masters at the RNC to attempt to restrict all time-sensitive military strikes and covert operations to the specific days upon which you are so graciously allowing America to defend itself.

Please respond ASAP, as this is obviously a pressing matter.

Sincerely,

Ace of Spades HQ
Theocratic Liaison for Scheduling
Pre-Determined Announcements of
Victories in the Global War on Terrorism (TM)


PS: Do you really think that your bought-and-paid for liberal cheering section we call the "mainstream media" would ever allow such a minor event as the capture of an Al Qaeda general to overshadow their candidate's coronation?

How much time do you really imagine the media will give this story tonight? A thirty second mention, tops? Will CBS mention it at all?

PPS:

36533677b1ac8081a81758eac06193e3-21.jpg

That's all I have to say, really. I think that says it all, right there.

"Like Kryptonite to Stupid."

Uh-huh.

Like Kryptonite to Good Arterial Health.

PPPS: Here's CNN's front-page.

Can you find the mention of the capture of an Al Qaeda general?

Joshua Ezekial Bucephus Bluebonnet Cougar Mellancamp Micah Marshall (thanks to a poster for a couple of those) whines about MSNBC's scary-huge coverage of the arrest:

Hmmm, seems pretty sedate to me there, too. It's the first headline under "MORE top stories," the operative word there being "more," meaning it isn't one of the actual top-of-the-page, picture-in-the-banner top stories.

And yet this is too, too much for our onanistic American Taliban Josh Marshall:

Actually, apropos of the previous post, the real sucker on this one seems to be MSNBC rather than CNN. At least thus far. As of 5:43, the Ghailani capture is the headline on the MSNBC website, while it gets lesser billing on CNN. MSNBC is even blaring it more than Fox News (oh the infamy!).

Maybe the media just should have embargoed the story entirely, Josh. It is, after all, just an Al Qaeda general captured. You let us know what sorts of news the media should, until election day, refuse to report entirely, rather than simply down-playing, as they're doing now.

These liberal media-types seem to have an awfully strange notion of what constitutes "informing the American public." Apparently there's a very large class of information which mustn't be reported at all, lest Americans "get the wrong ideas," to wit, ideas which are not pre-approved by members of the Idiotgentsia such as Marshall.


Posted by: Ace at 01:15 PM | Comments (27)
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Josh Marshall: Capture of Al Qaeda Leader Shows "Suspicious Timing"
— Ace

Again with the timing crap.

I'm sorry that hunting terrorists conflicts with your political calendar, Joshy.

Is Marshall suggesting that we delay capturing terrorists until after November 2nd so that we score no victories against Al Qaeda that might hurt John Kerry?

Remember, this is one of our fellow patriotic Americans talking. A fellow patriotic American who sees a captured Al Qaeda leader and screams in agony over it.

He'd rather have the terrorist free than in Bush's prison.

Hey, fuckface. Douchebag. Shall we delay all anti-terrorist measures until November 3rd? Please explain to us why we should do so.

Make you a deal. We'll cancel all such measures, but if there's a terrorist attack in the US that results in any American deaths, John Kerry concedes the election. Fair, asshole?

I'm sorry, but I just can't fucking take it anymore.

Update: At this point they -- meaning Marshall and his paranoid-fringe brethren at DU (except they're not fringe anymore; the liberals have embraced their inner lunatic) -- are actively on Al Qaeda's side. Any victory Bush scores against Al Qaeda is a victory against Kerry. Ergo, they're praying their little hearts out for Osama bin Ladin and Musab al-Zarqawi.

Is this an overstatement? Let's once again check in with Gary Kamiya, penning this "confession," self-justified though it is, in Salon after the fall of Baghdad:

"I have a confession: I have at times, as the war has unfolded, secretly wished for things to go wrong. Wished for the Iraqis to be more nationalistic, to resist longer. Wished for the Arab world to rise up in rage. Wished for all the things we feared would happen. I'm not alone: A number of serious, intelligent, morally sensitive people who oppose the war have told me they have had identical feelings.

"Some of this is merely the result of pettiness -- ignoble resentment, partisan hackdom, the desire to be proved right and to prove the likes of Rumsfeld wrong, irritation with the sanitizing, myth-making American media. That part of it I feel guilty about, and disavow. But some of it is something trickier: It's a kind of moral bet-hedging, based on a pessimism not easy to discount, in which one's head and one's heart are at odds."

The liberals keep claiming that these sorts of feelings don't exist. When confronted with statements like this one, they allow that such feelings exist, but are restricted to a tiny unbalanced fringe of lunatics. (Oddly enough, many members of this tiny fringe of lunatics seem to have permanent salaried positions in high-visibility mainstream media outfits, as well as in the Democrat Party.)

You combine these admissions with Marshall waving the bloody shirt over the fact that we caught a very high ranking Al Qaeda leader -- sad news for the nation indeed! -- and you tell me these people put the security of their country above getting their precious fucking liberals back into the White House.

Anti-American Minds Think Alike: No one ever accused Oliver Willis of possessing an overly-inventive mind.

Except when it comes to Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, of course. I have it on good authority that it was this brilliant thinker that thought of putting that little wedge of cheese on the Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

And this is the same asshole that's forever complaining, in his "cute" turn of phrase of which he's tremendously proud, of the "Right Wing Wurlitzer Machine," whatever that could possibly mean, parroting the day's official political talking points. But of course he's only too happy to ape Marshall's latest conspiracy theories.

I salute you, you obnoxious ovoid. You've got the triple-crown: You're you're untalented, you're unoriginal, and you're viciously hypocritical.

You've done a man's job. Why don't you reward yourself with a nice feedbag of White Castles?

Posted by: Ace at 12:14 PM | Comments (14)
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