December 31, 2004
— Ace Wow. Glad that's over, as I'm glad ever forced-fun "whoo-hoo" aren't we being outrageous Amateur's Night drunkfest New Year's is over.
But, now that that damned night of contrived conviviality is over, I wish everyone success and health in the new year aborning.
Sorry about the lack of posting today... I was shut out of Mu.nu all day, until I was just about ready to go out on the town.
And hey-- whoever wrote in to Jonah Goldberg at NRO to get me linked, thanks an awful lot. I was expecting a crap day of traffic and got a good one. Much thanks.
Hope everyone is safe at home now and drinking lots of water and taking a few precautionary Advil.
Update: Thanks for all the Well-Wishes! Right back at all of you, in spades!
— Ace As long as we're just asking questions-- I want to know.
I want answers.
I mean, since questions about motherhood and child-rearing have become sooo central to this campaign -- aren't we entitled to this information?
As a commenter says -- as long as the left is "camped up inside the uteruses" of Republican politicians (and their daughters, for God's sake) -- let's really open up the floor to questions.
Obama's obviously a fan of abortion. I'd like to know if he puts his personal political preferences into real-life action.
Again -- bear in mind, I've been informed by a former TNR-editor-turned-blogger (nice career trajectory!) writing at the gay gossip site and antisemitic conspiracy newsletter The Atlantic that these questions are quite important.
I've been informed that the mere fact that Governor Palin took her kids with her to witness the most important professional moment of her life makes her kids "fair game" -- and also "opened the door" to any and all questions about the Palins' sex lives and decisions regarding childbearing and child-rearing.
Let's leave the Obama kids out of it.
But we'll leave in Barack and Michelle Obama themselves. They are adults. They showed their kids on TV-- therefore their sexual histories are "fair game."
So: How many "Little Obamas" have been left in the sink? I wish to examine each and every one of Barry and Michelle's choices, just as deragned psychopathic vagina-envy professional homosexual Andrew Sullivan wishes to examine Governor Palin's.
Where are Michelle Obama's gynecological records?
These are important questions, and I will not be bullied into silence. It's my duty to ask them.
Incidentally... Barack Obama is, objectively, much more attractive than Michelle. Objectively, you understand.
Anyone buying that he's been faithful? What's your best guess as to the number of affairs he's had?
Just speculatin' about a likelihood here. I know the National Enquirer has looked into this -- but found no confirmation of anything. But, apparently, they did hear some things.
PS: If you're at an Obama event, somehow, ask the question, and get his response on camera.
A pathological liar simply cannot be trusted to tell the truth about herself, even on a subject as routine as a pregnancy and infant son. I can't believe I'm asking these questions either. But in the absence of any answers, what am I supposed to do?
I know this puts me out of the mainstream of acceptable Washington opinion. But let me just remind Alex that doubting the existence of Saddam's WMDs put some people out of the mainstream of acceptable Washington opinion.
Warning: Link below is very not safe for work.
If he can't lay off children, I'm afraid I'm going to have to re-link Sullivan's Very Not Safe For Work/Explicit Gay Sex Content Infamous Bareback City Anonymous Gay Sex Cruising Ad every day until the election.
Every. Fucking. Day.
Give It. A Fucking Rest. You Fucking. Child-Hating. Vagina-Envy. Brain-Detrioriated. Bi-Polar. Borderline Personality Disorder. Steroid-Raging. Degenerate. Psychopath.
Andrew Sulivan -- a very versatile commentator.
Actually, this is the first time I've posted this. I posted something like it once for an hour before having a change of heart. But technically, this is the first time.
But not the last.
P-Shop? Can someone clean that ad up, slightly, but ad in The Atlantic's masthead and connect it up with the Atlantic? Like "I dig 3-ways, I dig black guys, I dig making defamatory remarks about 17 year old girls"?
If you can, let me know. We'll knock it around, make it presentable for publication. Make it funny-- and deadly.
The Atlantic "apologizes" for the Greenberg pictures but keeps this insane, heterophobic professional homosexual on its site day after day. Day after day.
Any apologies for Sullivan, Bennet? No?
December 30, 2004
— Ace Florida Cracker runs down a few good ones, then adds her own.
Did James Wolcott really pray for hurricanes to kill Americans? I guess he did. And then he dared to snark about Bush's statement about/to the tsunami victims.
Yeahp. It's all true. Click on the link and see for yourself.
Remember, this is the guy with three "ocicats," named Jasper, Roland, and something else equally gay I can't recall off the top of my head.
— Ace As many of you know, a nobody columnist at the little-regarded Star-Tribune made a childish and largely factually untrue attack on the Powerline blog.
The Chris Muir Day by Day cartoon that runs with that link notes that this particular nobody seemed to be lashing out at Powerline in order to get some attention.
This is something of a watershed moment.
Bloggers have been rattling the cages of the legacy media to get some attention from the MSM.
This would seem to be the first time that someone from the legacy media -- granted, a never-was no-account nobody from the legacy media -- has attempted to rattle the cages of the Young Media to get the same sort of attention.
Sure, no one heard of this guy before this incident and no one will be able to recall his name in a week. And yes, this particular nobody chose to pick on one of the biggest blogs out there, the one just chosen by Time as "Blog of the Year."
So yeah, it's not really the same as the Boston Globe, say, lighting little Ace of Spades HQ up.
But still. They're cracking under the pressure. First they ignored, then they demeaned. Now they attack, just to garner traffic for themselves.
A bit like blogs.
An interesting change of circumstance.
— Ace As you may have noticed, this site went all buggy at around 3:30 and I was unable to post for a while. I had planned to finish up the Best of Ace thing tonight, but it looks now like I won't be doing that.
I'll mix in new stuff tomorrow, though, so that tomorrow isn't almost all linking old material as today was.
— Ace Wonder if Josh Marshall will begin scandalblogging this outrage?:
A Pentagon official who publicly disclosed information showing Russian involvement in moving Iraqi weapons out of that country has been dismissed.
Mr. Shaw said he had been asked to resign for "exceeding his authority" in disclosing the information, a charge he called "specious."
In October, Mr. Shaw told The Washington Times that he had received foreign intelligence data showing that Russian special forces units were involved in an effort to remove Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction in the weeks before the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq began in March 2003.
Reports of the Russian role in dispersing Iraqi arms made news during the final days of the presidential election campaign, at a time when the Bush administration was being criticized for failing to secure tons of Iraqi high explosives that could be used in developing nuclear arms.
Mr. Shaw went public to counter a political "October surprise" campaign designed to "crucify the president" over the missing explosives, he wrote to Mr. Rumsfeld.
"The Kerry media-driven October surprise attack on us and the president stopped within hours," Mr. Shaw wrote. "If I had not had the openly hostile environment in [Pentagon public affairs], I would have moved the story differently. Getting the truth out instantly was more important than process."
All right. Two big points:
Whether to help or hurt the administration, you can't just reveal classified information because you think it should be released. Liberals seem to have trouble understanding this; but the occasional conservative seems to as well.
As much as I'd like to know things like this, there may be diplomatic reasons for keeping it secret. Such information could, for example, be used as leverage to help secure Russian help, so long as it were actually kept secret. (Blackmail only works until you publicize the dirty pictures, after all.)
Second, since one administration-friendly leaker has been fired, it is now time to unapologetically go after the administration-hostile ones. If you sign on the line that is dotted, and vow to not release this information, it's a fireable offense if you do; and most of the time, you should be fired.
Let the purge begin. The Pentagon and CIA have to be made to understand that they simply are not the makers of this nation's foreign policy, no matter how smart they think they might be and how much better they'd handle things.
Photo credit: From Enjoy Every Sandwich, who isn't even using the pic anymore, which I think is a crime.
Well, Johnny Coldcuts isn't really on my top ten, but a couple of readers seem to like him, so I'll throw him in here as a bonus.
I made up this "character," if Johnny can be so elevated to be called a character, in this post, introducing him as a foul-mothed, time-travelling baloney sandwhich.
I didn't put much stock in Johnny's prognostications, as his memories of his visits to the future were often clouded by substance abuse and/or simple stupidity. But, amazingly enough, on June 8, 2004, he emphatically predicted a Red Sox World Series sweep. I didn't put any money on that, but anyone who did must have made a fortune.
Johnny, Geoffrey the Duck, and Simon Cowell later evaluated haikus submitted by readers (and Andrew Sullivan, Josh Marshall, and Oliver Willis) for "American Haiku." Contains Johnny's all-time best (and dirtiest) put-down.
Ripping off an old National Lampoon bit, I threatened to kill Johnny unless people donated to me, which, unbelievably enough, they did.
— Ace This was probably the most important I wrote as far as launching the site. I had only been blogging since December 30, and of course I had almost no readers whatsoever. Basically, there were some of my friends from The Perfect World checking the blog out on occasion, and blog-brother Son of Nixon. And that was it.
And then on January 3rd or 4th, I wrote the D&D piece. A couple of my readers set it to K-Lo at NRO, who I don't think even got it, but she linked it anyway. No idea how many visitors I got that day -- I still hadn't even heard of a site-meter -- but it was enough traffic to pretty much shut the site down all day.
I got lucky. A lot of bloggers spend months trying to get some attention from anybody, and out of the blue I got linked by NRO four or five days after starting the site up. I went from having six or eight readers to hundreds, which is a hell of a jump for one week. And one post.
At any rate, A Question of Character: The D&D Guide to the Democratic Presidential Candidates pretty much launched this site.
I'm particularly proud of the Wesley Clark bit. In one long riff, I mention Call of Cthulhu, D&D, Traveller, Rush (the band), Dune, Led Zeppellin, time-travel, Back to the Future, flux capacitors, Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, the Bene Geserit, sandworms, Duncan Idaho, Paul Atreides, Star Trek, Mr. Spock, bugbears, and the super-geeky Moody Blues song Knights in White Satin. That is what you call a geek-culture Tour de Force. I really don't think that anyone will ever be able to top that as far as pure extreme dorkiness.
— Ace It turns out that, over the year, certain people suddenly caught fuckin' fire. I was pretty much the only blogger to notice and properly document this incindiary phenomenon.
First, Bob Dole caught fuckin' fire, after pinning back Kerry's ears for suggesting that the SwiftVets weren't entitled to tell their story. And boy did he burn.
The strange combustions continued. Zell Miller caught fuckin' fire on live television at the Republican National Convention.
And then stranger still, Pat Sajak -- Pat Sajak! -- penned a strong conservative opinion column and was confirmed to have, in fact, caught on fuckin' fire.
And then, of course, strangest of all came the curious combustion of Charles Schumer, who caught fuckin' fire while telling a peacenic professor to drink a nice tall glass of shut-the-fuck-up juice.
— Ace I still love this piece, and damnit, I'm still pissed off it wasn't linked more.
When I wrote this, man, was I sick of blogging, and I had nothing left to say. I had blogged almost 24 hours straight on election day, and I had already been burned out before that.
So I was in a rut and experiencing a humor drought. But I thought of this thing late one night and had all the major jokes in my head within a hour.
Songwriters always say the best songs are the easiest ones to write. It's the ones that take effort that turn out to be mediocre. Well, this one was an absolute snap, and just when I needed it, too.
Almost every regular has read it, but on the off-chance that there are new visitors here today who haven't, let me present Donald Trump Grilling the Democrats in the Boardroom Over Losing Their "Task" on November 2nd.
— Ace Before I get into the Top Ten, let me mention a few honorable mentions.
This post is still one of my favorites, because it both makes fun of an easy, soft target -- Joshua Micah Mellencamp Marshall -- and because it's the first appearance of Geoffrey the Duck, who appears in the "Never Waste a Good Premise" update. In fact, that's really the part of the post that's worth reading.
In the funny and true department, this post, "Andrew Sullivan: I Only Watch PBS," explores liberals' kneejerk insistence that they almost never watch TV, and yet seem to do little but natter on about Sex & the City constantly. Andrew slams Ann Coulter for saying "everyone should watch more TV," and I slam him back. Idiot.
This is a love-it-or-hate-it post. I love it. a Special Guest Editorial from Rich "Psycho" Giamboni, titled If You Touch My Hoagie One More Time, I Will Fucking Kill You.
I always meant to do more with Psycho. I wanted to do a Vote For Bush Or I Will Key Your Fucking Camaro piece, but it just seemed to be the same thing all over again. Oh, well. One-trick pony.
My favorite Michael Moore hit-piece: Michael Moore Goes on a Mid-Manhattan Lunchtime Death-Spree.
And my second favorite: The Case of the Missing WMD's: A Michael Moore Mystery (TM).
I've attacked Wonkette a lot, pretty much because she's overrated, overexposed, and underfunny. Here Wonkette announces her new "Morning Zoo" format.
Here Nick Denton attempts to launch a Muslim-friendly Wonkette-style gossip site, titled Jihadette, with tragic results.
For a while -- maybe she still does it; I don't read her -- Wonkette did little but traffic in gay rumors. So I decided to compete with her -- as "Wankette" -- and start trafficking in my own gay rumors du jour.
And my favorite Wonkette hit-piece -- a verbatim transcript of her first and only appearance at Open Mike Night at the Dupont Circle Laff-Shack. It's like the birth of a young, somewhat-attractive faux-mo Lenny Bruce.
And, just to show that I'm not obsessed with Wonkette (although, I guess, I really am), here's an aperitif, a wholly gratuitous attack on Michael Totten, the only independent in America with the balls to tell you how superior he is for not being a member of a political party.
Well, that's enough for now. More as the day goes on.
Update: Eh, this one's okay, too. Playing off a real story that the intelligence community was eyeing blogs for fast-breaking information, I got hold of a CIA memo digesting what had been recently learned from Wonkette, Instapundit, Oliver Willis, and Drudge.
— Ace I don't think you'll be surprised to learn that Professor Alan Singer has been a putz his whole life.
So much of a putz, in fact, he makes Charles Schumer appear to be on fire.
Okay, I jumped the gun yesterday -- forgot which day I started this blog on -- but I can now say that this blog has officially turned one year old.
As I've said, I started this blog because I'd been reading blogs for a while -- especially Instapundit, for links, and Steven den Beste, for the most amazing essays on the Internet -- and because I got annoyed that Oliver Willis, who is not-funny and not-insightful, was getting attention and I wasn't. And of course because I happened to read an article on Dec 29th or Dec 30th about how easy it was to start a blog now because of Blogger's software.
And because I'd actually met a real live blogger. She said, off-handedly, "Oh, you can read about that on my blog," and I determined at that moment that I, too, needed to be able to say, off-handedly, "I'm sorry, but I've already completely discarded that spurious claim on my blog."
Son of Nixon, it turns out, had read the same article, and he called me up to tell me he wanted to start a blog a mere two hours after I'd started my own. And boy, did we have some chuckles for a full month, as we'd just slip into conversation "Yeah, you can find that information on my blog" and then giggle like schoolgirls about it.
At any rate, Ace of Spades started out with this amazing blast in the etherspace -- a missive I like to call "First Post" -- and then the quality just got even better with this potty-mouthed reworking of Poe's The Raven.
I originally had a different schtick for the blog. I never said "I think" in the beginning; it was "We think." Because I was claiming that this wasn't a one-man operation, but rather a lavishly funded 644-man operation consisting chiefly of Gulf War special forces veterans and ex-CIA operatives, being run out of the luxurious Ace of Spades HQ corporate offices on the secret 103rd floor of the Empire State Building, all under the control of a secretive and mysterious rightwing benefactor we only knew as "Mr. Tranh."
I dropped that sometime after I moved to Mu.Nu. Trouble is, I only occasionally did anything with the schtick, and it turns out that 80% of readers didn't even know it was the schtick. They just hadn't heard of it, and they just thought I was being a pompous dick for always saying "We."
Anyway, if you read early posts and find me saying "we," that's why. I wasn't crazy and I wasn't using the royal we. I was just doing a comic riff that apparently only I and six other people even knew about.
I guess today I'll be doing a Best of Ace through the day, in between blogging about other crap. It'll be both my actual best stuff, and the most important moments in the blog-- important in terms of getting Big Links.
I won't be doing that Hey, Remember The Last Year of Blogging? thing I'd teased, because I really can't think of a lot of funny things for the Lisa Loeb Chick from Blender and Sebastian Bach to say about my site. If they never say anything funny, how can I be expected to make up funny things for them to say?
At any rate, thanks again for reading this site. It's really very satisfying to put up some nonsense and have other people read it, and occasionally even enjoy it.
Thanks to Carnivorous Conservative! ... for providing me with a new banner, which I think I'll use at least for the Blogoversary.
I don't know if I like the font he's chosen for the title, and I really liked the Garamond font for the Mencken quote, but baby, you cannot find fault with that kick-ass death card!
— Ace Soon to be released: John Kerry, Our 44th President.
Also in the works: Barney Frank, Al Sharpton & Robert Reich: The Greatest Generals of the Twenty-First Century.
Thanks to Jeremy, who provides a non-blog website he works at, but I'm not sure he wants me to link that.
December 29, 2004
— Ace Fat Kid sends me this unbelievable site-meter display, from a blog called, it seems, Cheese & Crackers.
Drudge linked the blog.
The results were, erm, rather noticeable.
Bang! A 400,000+ hit day will really have an impact on your weekly average, I'm thinking.
For goodness sakes. I've been chasing Instapundit! Drudge is where the action is!
Now, if only I had access to some information he'd be interested in. Some headline like:
FREAK! Kitten Born With Inordinate Number of Nipples
HELLSTORM 2005: Hurricane Omega Threatens to Cause Boston and Galveston to Swap Places
MOUSEKEFEARS-- Someone You Never Heard of At Disney Is Planning Corporate Changes Which Will Not Effect You At All, Even If You Own Disney Stock
I've got to get cracking. I'm sure I've got some big Drudge-worthy story in me.
Welcome, New Visitors! I realize a lot of you are coming here off the Drudge/Cheese & Crackers link about the tsunami catastrophe, and you may not be in the mood for humor.
But it's actually this site's one-year blogoversary, and I'll be posting the best comedy (and serious) pieces of the year all day. So, if you're in the mood for laughs (and some of these pieces are really funny), make sure you return during the day, and hit the "Main" button at the top of the page for new material.
— Ace Miniature desk-set guillotines, trebuchets, and ballistas-- for crying out loud, can you say "Target Fucking Audience"?
Odd Linkage: Never really read Justin Raimondo; I knew he was some sort of out-there peacenik.
Got linked by him today. Why? Because I insulted Andrew Sullivan.
You know, in these divided times, during this culture war, in the midst of this near civil war between the red and the blue-- all of us, right or left, conservative or liberal, can agree on one thing:
Andrew Sullivan is a vain, solipsistic hyperemotional twit.
Let us all take some solace in that. Let the lamb lay down with the lion.
— Ace Apparently Germany has about as much concept of how far $1 million goes as Dr. Evil.
Which seems about right.
— Ace Updated! Now With Obligatory Top Ten! (scroll down)
But give the man his due:
"Are you reconsidering your position on the war in Iraq now that the justifications presented by the Bush administration have all proved to be false?" [a left-wing professor named Alan Singer] complained.
When Schumer replied by asking how he would handle Iraq differently, Singer responded: "The Bush administration policies have destabilized that entire region of the world. I would work with European allies to find a way to leave immediately."
At that, Singer recalled, Schumer called him "a fool," before declaring that if the U.S. withdrew from Iraq it would be subject to a terrorist attack worse than 9/11 during the next three years.
Heh. Remember the media's outrage over Cheney's suggestion that, were Kerry to be elected and a terrorist strike should happen (not would happen, btw), the danger would be we'd slip back into a September 10th response?
Don't expect to hear similar gnashing of teeth over Schumer's claim that withdrawing from Iraq, as many liberals and Democrats advocate, would result in an attack worse than 9-11.
But he got in a good parting shot, too:
"I know people like you," Schumer shot back, saying that Singer and his ilk were responsible for the destruction of the Democrat Party.
"With your ideas you should not be allowed to be a teacher," the agitated Democrat added. "I know your type."
Is Schumer suggesting that we ought to "chill" this man's right to free expression-- and employment? Hey, I'm not saying I necessarily agree; I'm just looking for clarification.
And a stern scolding from the liberal media.
Think I'll get it?
Top Ten Signs That Charles Schumer -- Yes, Charles Schumer -- Is On Fuckin' Fire
10. Recently scandalized Maureen Dowd by confessing he rarely watched Sex & the City, and furthermore considered every character except Kristin Davis a "dirty, filthy whore"
9. Just introduced legislation to make January 12th a paid federal holiday called "National MILF Appreciation Day"
8. Apologized for a previous visit to Paris, explaining he only went there to "beat up hookers and steal their trick-money" and "defecate freely in the streets"
7. Old Charles Schumer Persona: Annoying, publicity-obsessed nebbish
New Charles Schumer Persona: Annoying, publicity-obsessed nebbish who just might know Jeet Kune Do, "The Way of the Intercepting Fist"
6. Keeps stealing Byron Dorgan's lunch money and "pantsing" Gerry Nadler
5. Never goes anywhere without his "bible," a pocket-sized copy of the inspirational words of R. Lee "Full Metal Jacket" Ermey, titled Get the Fuck Off My Obstacle You Disgusting Fatbody
4. His new chief of staff? Vinny Fuckin' Falcone
3. Keeps making prank calls ordering dozens of pizzas to Michael Moore's Upper West Side penthouse; oddly enough, Moore hasn't yet complained about this
2. Has taken to attending DC cocktail parties dressed as "The Humungous" from The Road Warrior
...and the Number One Sign that Charles Schumer Is On Fuckin' Fire...
1. Recently spotted at a Georgetown dive chugging beer and going shot-for-shot with Bob Dole's cock
— Ace Although I've got some people I *know* I need to link, there are others I should link but will forget to unless reminded.
If you want to be linked, please mention your blog's name and URL in the comments below.
I don't link everybody. But I just noticed, for example, that commeter Carin has a blog, but never mentioned it to me. So I definitely need to link people like her.
And, by the way: I know I have to update the links for Marcland and Dalek's Weblog. I've just not gotten around to it. I know in Marcland's case it was because he requested the change when I still didn't even have my blogroll back up yet, as I was still in the redesign phase.
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