June 25, 2008
— Russ from Winterset Based on the court's findings that foreign terrorists captured & held overseas during the course of a war (or "unlawful police action" if you're Congressman Persnickety McPendantfairy Paul(R?, Twilight Zone) or one of his ilk) have the right to hearings in front of American Civilian courts, and their new finding that aggravated rape of a child does not rise to the level of a capital crime, I'm starting to worry that the DC v. Heller decision is going to be another 5-4 abomination.
Because I'm all about derivative humor & stealing the hard-earned schtick of others, hows about a "Top Ten Probable Findings in the Heller Decision" post? C'mon, it'll be fun! Besides, what else are you going to do for the next five minutes? Go down to the "McCain for President" campaign office and volunteer to work the phone banks? I think not.
10. Due to Justice Breyer's interpretation of the 14th Amendment, and the precedent found in the landmark "Spiccoli v. Hand" (1982) decision from the 9th Circuit, residents of the District of Columbia are no longer required to Fight for their Right to Party.
9. Because of a little-known clause in Somali tribal law, the court finds because of the infringement of his rights, that Mr. Heller is entitled to damages from the government of the District consisting of seventeen goats and two virginal young ladies. His guns? Oh, yeah, sorry about that. The DC PD went ahead and melted them down six months ago without authorization. Tell you what Mr. Heller, why don't you go into their evidence locker and pick out any three guns that aren't involved with current open murder investigations, and we'll call it even? Work for you?
8. Following the precedent set in "Kramer v. Kramer" (1981), Dustin Hoffman is awarded custody of all of Mr. Heller's firearms, with the provision that Mr. Heller is allowed annual visitation rights during the second week of every August, and the weekend before Christmas.
7. Mr. Heller is allowed to keep his guns, but is required to loan them to every mentally unbalanced taxi driver with a mohawk who shows up at his door muttering about how "Bu$Hitler is in league with the Reptillian aliens".
6. The Court finds that while the defendant presented a good case for Miller Lite having great taste, the plantiff's contention that Miller Lite is less filling is more convincing. Less filling prevails in a 6-2 decision (with Souter abstaining, because he's never actually tasted a beer. Or seen a boobie).
5. Kelo gets Heller's guns, Heller gets immunity from any charges of raping children, Dred Scott gets 40 acres and a mule, Miranda gets the land where Kelo's house was formerly located, and Roe v. Wade will be re-decided based on the results of a chicken wing eating contest between Ann Coulter and Bill Maher.
4. OK, Scalia....call it in the air. What's that? Heads? Sorry, it's tails. DC wins.
3. Based on an excerpt from Jefferson's letter to the Augusta Scientologists found in the Second Edition of "Stuff Jefferson Said, Volume 2" and the contents of Federalist #73, this Court finds that Residents of the District of Columbia are entitled to "keep and beare any gatts theye be needin' for to keepe their Pimpe Handes strong"; however, Ginsburg threatened to stop wearing underwear if we caved on gun control, so we decided that Firearms, Jeff Foxworthy DVD's, and any recordings of Lee Greenwood shall all be considered contraband within the boundaries of the District of Columbia, subject to seizure and immediate destruction. Don't like it? Suck it, America. We've got tenure.
2. The Court finds that while the party of the first part appears to be the individual who put the "bop in the bop she bop she bop"; clear and convincing evidence exists that indicate that the party of the second part was responsible for putting the "ram in the rama lama ding dong". Accordingly, we find that both parties deserve a handshake, but are also jointly liable for damages due to their false representation that the plaintiff's "baby fell in love with me".
And finally (because you're already sick of it; and, plus, we're at the end anyway, so you'd might as well stick around and read the last one, right?)....
1. We find that Heller et al have been constrained from possession of firearms contrary to their clear Second Amendment rights, and move that the District of Columbia shall allow all residents of the District to keep one .22 rimfire rifle, a single flintlock pistol (stored disassembled in a vault keyed to one of those kickass puzzle boxes from "Hellraiser"), and a plasma rifle (in the 40 megawatt range, of course) at their lawful residence. Any further accumulation of weaponry shall require said residents to obtain a "Federal License to Keep a Whole Shitload of Guns in Your Closet", said permits being issued by the same asshats responsible for "building the fence" in a relatively timely manner. OK, that's a wrap people. Who's up for wings and beer at Hooters?
Think you can do better? Add your own in the comments.
Posted by: Russ from Winterset at
03:42 PM
| Comments (69)
Post contains 882 words, total size 5 kb.
Posted by: Sydney Carton at June 25, 2008 03:47 PM (6N71/)
Posted by: joeindc44 at June 25, 2008 03:52 PM (QxSug)
1) You can have all the guns you want, but we hereby ban all forms of ammunition, including manufactured and load your own.
2) Upon approval of a CCW, applicant will have the index finger on both hands removed.
Posted by: mpur458 at June 25, 2008 03:52 PM (5LM+8)
Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at June 25, 2008 04:13 PM (6//UG)
The internet rumor that Scalia is writing the majority opinion is probably wishfull thinking. Sadly, this is one area in which the Maverick is clearly a better choice than Obama. McCain has been throughly consistent when it comes to judical choices.
Nice list Russ - amazing the fun things you can find to do when the baby is up at 3am.
Grins, Murph
Posted by: Murph at June 25, 2008 04:14 PM (Dw2sU)
The only consolation I have at this point is that God surely will send Justice Kennedy to Hell for his unbelievable arrogance. And that Kennedy will be ass-raped by Satan for all time.
Posted by: Sydney Carton at June 25, 2008 04:20 PM (6N71/)
Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at June 25, 2008 04:41 PM (ojb2I)
In a 5-4 party line vote (Kennedy in majority), the Justices ruled that the District of Columbia is under the jurisdiction of the country of Columbia, primarily because it is clearly stated as District of said Columbia. Thereby making Presidente Alvaro Uribe sole deciding authority. Pending his ruling, this Supreme Court awaits his guidance.
Dissenting opinion, written by Associate Justice Scalia, was in its entirety: "You gotta be f*cking me!"
Posted by: big dan at June 25, 2008 04:42 PM (YBGdN)
Posted by: Techie at June 25, 2008 04:42 PM (x1hhx)
There will be more whining than shooting.
-J
Posted by: The non-artist formerly known as Josh until some truther used my nick at June 25, 2008 04:48 PM (H1E+R)
-J
Posted by: The non-artist formerly known as Josh until some truther used my nick at June 25, 2008 04:50 PM (H1E+R)
There will be more whining than shooting.
Bingo. We're already enslaved. If they outlaw guns, no one man will sacrifice himself for the good of the nation.
As much as I'd love to storm and burn the Supreme Court building, it's just not going to happen.
Posted by: Sydney Carton at June 25, 2008 04:52 PM (6N71/)
Posted by: Mike Meyer at June 25, 2008 04:59 PM (NWGdh)
Posted by: alex. at June 25, 2008 05:04 PM (M4U1o)
Posted by: alex. at June 25, 2008 05:10 PM (M4U1o)
The Court system in America is completely corrupt. COMPLETELY corrupt. Judges do whatever they want, whenever they want, and the only way they can be questioned on it is if a higher Judge does whatever HE wants. Lawyers, including conservative lawyers, make the extreme mistake that their arguments matter. Most assuredly, they do not. In fact, you'd have more results in winning your case if you got the sympathies of the judge's friends than if you made a "convincing" argument. This is true regardless of whether the case is contractual, constitutional, or criminal. Judges are completely and totally biased.
Now, in order to make money, most lawyers either ignore this fact of life or pretend it doesn't matter. They're getting paid regardless of whether the system is a sham. They don't bother to tell their clients that flipping a coin would provide more guidance than going before a judge, because their profesional lives are invested in ignoring the reality. Who wants to admit that the 14 hour work days they spend laboring before a computer at 3am typing out a brief was all just a farce? Nobody. And that's why, you have lawyers arguing about nuances about what this Judge said in that opinion, etc, etc. Even conservatives are at fault, pretending that their arguments can somehow convince people like Kennedy to change his mind. All of those lawyers are completely fooling themselves.
The Court system is built on a lie. Justice isn't blind. The game is rigged, in favor of the JUDGE. Sure, Judge X might come out differently from Judge Y. One might be hard on corporations, the other soft. One might be hard on criminals, the other soft. But they are not impartial, they're biased. And year to year, they pursue their bias relentlessly. They are worms burrowing to the core of an apple and infecting its well-being. Lawyers have learned how to play this game to the advantage of their clients by filing cases in courtrooms where they know how the judge is biased. That's why you get gun manufacturers being sued in New York City instead of Alabama.
The Supreme Court is supremely corrupt. It should be obvious to the people on this blog that they're certainly not carefully weighing arguments in favor of the constitutionality of the 8th Amendment. The judges on the court are fundamentally concerned about their own power, and that means that legislatures must be overruled. And it means that they have to decide how the President interrogates terrorists. And it means that they must meddle in abortion policy, and religious displays, and etc. There is no improving this, because law schools for the past 80 years have been teaching "legal realism", which means that law is just a way of providing another series of results to social actors. It's Gramscian to the core.
Of course, the solution that conservatives are pursuing is also flawed. It's nice to try to get more Alitos and Scalias onto the bench. But as a policy, it will never help. The Court, as an institution, is flawed because it has become the arbiter of our entire political and social discourse. It alone decides what policies live or die in society. That is wholly inconsistent from the way our Founders wanted things. And putting angels on the Court will never work, because they are all too human and too prone to be corrupted by the Court's power.
Courts in America must be scaled back. They must be made nothing more than administrative branches of government: a place for juries to determine guilt or innocence, a place for juries to determine liability, and a place for juries to determine when government oversteps its authority. Courts should be stripped of ALL, and I mean ALL, substantive authority. Marbury v. Madison should be overturned by Constitutional Amendment, judges should be elected by the people every 2 years or so, and Court decisions should be subject to overturning by the people somehow. The details can be worked out, so long as the guiding principle exists that unelected, life-appointed elitists should not rule our lives.
Yeah, sure. Maybe the Court will uphold the 2nd Amendment. What consolation is that? They might not, either. The fact that they have this power enough should deeply disturb you. They shouldn't have this power at all, period. And the way to confront abuses by places like Washington DC, when they trample over gun rights, is MASSIVE DISOBEDIANCE to the government. People should make the government AFRAID of them again. And if the people of one area support violations of rights and support confiscation of guns, or the Fairness Doctrine, or whatever, then perhaps a Whisky Rebellion here or there will be good for the country. Better than a state-sponsored tyranny run by elitist lawyers telling us how to live. Because there'll be rebellions eventually if the Court keeps ruling us behind the curtain.
Posted by: Sydney Carton at June 25, 2008 05:20 PM (6N71/)
That there is some funny stuff. How Jefferson resisted putting that line in the Declaration I'll never know.
Posted by: Jeff C. at June 25, 2008 05:31 PM (zXDLI)
I'm listening to this Major Kendra Rotanda who wrote a book about gitmo trials. Boy, is she pissed off at the Supreme Court.
Posted by: GRC at June 25, 2008 05:56 PM (keQTO)
Posted by: Michael Rittenhouse at June 25, 2008 06:18 PM (CUsX5)
Posted by: chad at June 25, 2008 06:25 PM (WNcvq)
Posted by: jognot at June 25, 2008 07:10 PM (dnTjT)
Writing for the majority, Justice Scalia encouraged Justice Ginsburg to "tell me how my ass tastes."
Posted by: Bugler at June 25, 2008 07:57 PM (YCVBL)
Hmmmm.
In a 5-4 decision, Justice Ginsberg writes for the majority, '...since it has been proven that DC doesn't have anything resembling a well regulated militia there is no constitutional standing for any resident or visitor to possess a firearm of any kind, except for the regiment guarding the Supreme Court building and its justices. Therefore all citizens, the DC police, Capitol Hill Police, Secret Service and any other armed guard or military presence is required to forfeit their guns and as they all present an untenable danger to the most co-equal branch of the government, the Supreme Court.'
Posted by: pistolero at June 25, 2008 08:02 PM (hBUN7)
Posted by: JayC at June 25, 2008 08:02 PM (I8/F3)
I'm realistically hoping for the DC gun ban to be ruled unconstitutional, and nothing more.
Posted by: leoncaruthers at June 25, 2008 08:03 PM (JSO4h)
Posted by: leoncaruthers at June 25, 2008 08:05 PM (JSO4h)
Posted by: toby928 at June 25, 2008 08:07 PM (PD1tk)
Posted by: Russ from Winterset at June 25, 2008 08:07 PM (BhHL1)
Posted by: Tinian at June 25, 2008 08:09 PM (1Mq7K)
Posted by: thebronze at June 25, 2008 08:17 PM (17zSz)
Posted by: Attila (Pillage Idiot) at June 25, 2008 08:32 PM (ZaM5Y)
Posted by: Vmaximus at June 25, 2008 08:36 PM (5hzkL)
God creates dinosaurs
God destroys dinosaurs
God creates man
Man destroys God
Man creates dinosaurs
Dinosaurs eat man....
Lance (Fucking) Winslow inherits the Earth!
Posted by: catmman at June 25, 2008 08:55 PM (hXK5H)
Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 25, 2008 08:58 PM (Bivii)
1) In a 5-4 decision, the ban is overturned but the ruling applies only to DC. Those who live and work outside the Beltway are yucky and don't matter anyways.
2) Kennedy cites the movie "I, Robot" in his 84 page ruling as evidence that gun ownership is necessary to combat the robot rebellion.
3.) Stevens dissents, pointing out that the compelling government interest in fucking people over without fear of reprisal overrides the 2nd Amendment.
4.) Ginsburg accidentally votes to overturn the ban when Souter forgets to wake her up and her snores are counted as a vote.
Posted by: Hollowpoint at June 25, 2008 08:59 PM (plsiE)
I didn't know until today the man involved is a cop. That is going to be the court's out. They will use his position to rule this one narrowly.
Posted by: Ralph at June 25, 2008 09:14 PM (dxnUk)
Posted by: dustydog at June 25, 2008 09:20 PM (BgBXA)
@16:
Amen on getting rid of Marbury v. Madison. That decision set the stage for pretty much all the problems we have now.
Smart choice on not getting into litigation. I handle civil appeals (and a little civil litigation) and it sucks hard. As in full-on Peter Gibbons every-day-you-see-me-is-the-worst-day-of-my-life kinda sucks.
Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at June 25, 2008 09:36 PM (YKnet)
Posted by: Unknown Moron at June 25, 2008 09:38 PM (Iz8EM)
Posted by: thirtypundit at June 25, 2008 09:41 PM (ufC/m)
I read the transcript of the Heller oral arguments and it seems clear to me that a majority will rule the DC law unconstitutional and 2A an individual right. I would put it at 6-3.
You can say you read it here 1st and that you knew me back when.
Posted by: Jones at June 25, 2008 09:44 PM (KOkrW)
1) It will be clear and brilliant;
2) It will be faithful to the Constitution;
3) We'll like it a lot.
Honestly, guys, don't be such scardycats.
Posted by: VRWC Agent at June 25, 2008 11:23 PM (Z3AmO)
Posted by: DBinSD at June 25, 2008 11:31 PM (ObKmk)
#16 Shit, Sydney, you're a buzz-kill.
A well-said, and scary-that-you're-so-disillusioned buzz-kill, but a buzz-kill none-the-less.
Posted by: azlibertarian at June 26, 2008 03:09 AM (V1YVI)
OK, except for the fact my wife's life is highly dependent on reliable and affordable prescription drugs, I have zero emotional baggage about someone popping the top on the Second American Civil War. Fuck it, we had a good run, let's burn the whole goddamn thing down and start over. It's the only way to get back to what we were supposed to be as a nation.
The problem is there will be no clear start point, no Fort Sumter, unless Montana sticks to the amicus brief they filed and attempts secession over breach of Constitutional contract. Other than that, President Obama will be happy to drop the antiterrorist hammer on every American with a rifle, and there are plenty of cops who forgot who they really work for who'll be happy to be good Germans, I mean Americans, and go along with it. A lot of guys will get locked up or killed as "domestic terrorists", and it's debatable which way the "average" American will go. But it's either win this one or we go find another country.
Posted by: SGT Dan at June 26, 2008 04:08 AM (YzCiM)
Posted by: infidel2 at June 26, 2008 04:42 AM (pYcF8)
Posted by: konshtok at June 26, 2008 05:26 AM (XzLc2)
Stevens, writing a concurring opinion:
"The Second Amendment. I don't think it means what you think it means."
Posted by: Steve L. at June 26, 2008 06:16 AM (o0YD+)
Posted by: leoncaruthers at June 26, 2008 08:34 AM (7iTO9)
To those who say that John McCain would be good wrt judges. As President, he can only nominate judges. Congress, in particular, the Senate, confirms them.
For the sake of argument let us stipulate that John McCain will nominate "conservative" judges. OK, no problem if he has a conservative (not the same thing as Republican) Senate to work with. Big problem if he has a liberal (not the same thing as Democrat, but congruence here is more likely) Senate. A Harry Reid or Chuck Schumer or Patrick Leahy simply will not allow a "conservative" judge to be voted out of committee or receive a floor vote.
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