August 29, 2005

Weekly Warporn
— Ace

The Buffalo Hummer.

You've got the lightning gun. Or, at least, this guy does, in prototype:

But the star attraction was a simple black briefcase that Bitar promised would shoot lightning bolts. He and Fry placed the briefcase (innocuous-looking, if you ignored the pointed needle a few inches long sticking out the side) on top of a carpeted podium, plugged it into a wall socket and flipped a switch. Then they stood back.

Iridescent streaks of purple lightning snaked out of the briefcase, accompanied by the deafening rattle of what sounded like an M-16, and even in the noisy hangar, conversations momentarily ceased.

"It looks like something out of a 1950s movie," one onlooker commented.

Bitar's technology is based on a technique pioneered more than 100 years ago by the eccentric Serbian inventor Nikola Tesla. The StunStrike uses an electrical charge to break down the air in front of the weapon to create a path for sparks generated by a "resonant transformer," better known as a Tesla coil. Unlike a typical Tesla coil, however, Bitar's invention uses electronics to tune and direct the spark stream. It goes about four feet.

"We can tune it all the way down so it feels like broom bristles, and all the way up to knock you down," Bitar informed a group of gawkers.

Uhh, kinda cool, I guess, but the thing has a range of four feet. You know what else can stun a man and knock him down from a range of four feet?

A baseball bat. I think I'll apply for a Pentagon grant.

The guy's lower-lethality weapons run towards the Biblical-- stuff that strikes you blind, stuns you, and projects the "Voice of God" into your head.

Thanks to Slublog for the Buffalo Hummer and Dave from Garfield Ridge for the lightning gun.

Posted by: Ace at 09:47 AM | Comments (23)
Post contains 306 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Nothing says AoS lifestle like a Buffalo Hummer.

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 10:04 AM (fZQD0)

2 Slublog gave you a buffalo hummer? Does that require kneepads?

Much gracias for the link,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at August 29, 2005 10:21 AM (y1hCN)

3 Wouldn't you like to know?

Posted by: Slublog at August 29, 2005 10:23 AM (Px80s)

4 Hey pal, if it's going to be the new "it" thing to do for the high school boys, I'm gonna need to know if it'll be hard on my joints.

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at August 29, 2005 10:45 AM (y1hCN)

5 Now that depends on how much exercise you get on a regular basis.

Posted by: Slublog at August 29, 2005 10:53 AM (Px80s)

6 Now this is the Ace of Spades lifestyle:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9116360/

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 10:56 AM (Px80s)

7 Oh.


Shit.


Damn it, here I was late to the Rainbow Parties, and now I'm gonna be late to the Buffalo Hummer parties as well.

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at August 29, 2005 10:58 AM (y1hCN)

8 Just looked through the page some more. It's not technically a Humvee.

Pity. Still cool looking, though.

Posted by: Slublog at August 29, 2005 11:00 AM (Px80s)

9 I just might be able to find...ummm make a parking space in Boston with one of those.

Posted by: Tony at August 29, 2005 11:12 AM (dYcZw)

10 I assume that the reason that not every vehicle has the Stryker wrap around grill is that it restricts mobility in the tight urban areas. If not, why doesn't every vehicle have some version of this type of protection?

Posted by: Dman at August 29, 2005 12:17 PM (m2CN7)

11 Dman, Cause its expensive, and those vehicles are big.
They also have problems traveling across country, due to size and weight. Putting armor on a vehicle is a trade-off. Its mobility vs. protection. You can have a DPV and fly across the desert, or you can have an M1 tank and crawl along (relatively).
There are prototypes being tested at ONR (Office of Naval Research) but they're just test beds.

Posted by: Iblis at August 29, 2005 12:31 PM (9221z)

12 The Buffalo's vaguely reminiscent of the South African "Buffel" (translated, yup, Buffalo), which was also designed with protection from landmines in mind.

Posted by: Brian B at August 29, 2005 12:54 PM (CouWh)

13 The Buffalo Hummer looks like it should be scooping up people for the Soylent Green Corporation.

Posted by: Eric J at August 29, 2005 12:58 PM (5PRM2)

14 The Buffalo is actually based on the South African vehicle.

Posted by: Iblis at August 29, 2005 01:16 PM (9221z)

15 Huh. I always suspected ace was from Buffalo and it had something to do with him and hummers.

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 02:05 PM (9DYP0)

16 Yeah, but you have to have a certain physical strength and skill to wield a baseball bat properly. On the other hand, I can flip a switch with my weak female fingers. A switch that shoots lightning. Gimme.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at August 29, 2005 06:08 PM (b/4pC)

17 Yeah, but you have to have a certain physical strength and skill to wield a baseball bat properly. On the other hand, I can flip a switch with my weak female fingers. A switch that shoots lightning. Gimme.

Can you h*n-dle a st*ck? Then there is no reason why you can't drive one of those big boys and either crush your enemies or im-p*le them on that cow catcher g*zm-o.

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 06:17 PM (9DYP0)

18 Well, there goes the joke due to ace's ridiculous "questionable content" settings.

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 06:18 PM (9DYP0)

19 What combinations of letters are not allowed?

Handle, stick, im-pale, gizmo. You can still tell what the words are, so the joke isn't totally ruined.

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 06:22 PM (KUYsH)

20 What combinations of letters are not allowed?

I never figured it out. I tried changing each one and submitting it. Gizmo has to be one of the naughty words that ace won't allow, but I'm not sure what the other one in combination is.

It ruins the joke b/c it takes forever and you get so frustrated you want to punch the screen.

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 06:53 PM (9DYP0)

21 Well, I guess gizmo will go through. It must be those other naughty words like, stick?

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 06:54 PM (9DYP0)

22 Nope. That worked. How about im-pale? Ah, it's im-pale. But I tried munging it and it didn't work earlier. Maybe, b/c I wrote _____. I substituted an asterick for the a in im-pale and it wouldn't work. Hypens, not astericks are the way to go. Let's try it:
pe-do
ra-pe
po-ker

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 06:58 PM (9DYP0)

23 When in doubt hyphenate. Gotcha!
Via-gra.

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 06:59 PM (9DYP0)

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