October 31, 2005

Top Ten Other Media Responses To Judge Alito's Nomination
— Ace

Thanks to Bill From INDC and Jack M. for suggesting this list.

John Roberts asked if Judge Alito was "sloppy seconds." Here are some less-well-reported reactions from media.

Content Warning. But remember, John Roberts, News Professional, started this. 10. TERRY MORAN, ABCNews: "Do you imagine Republican moderates will be satisfied with this, oh, what's the word?, Cleveland steamer of a nominee?"

9. DAVID GREGORY, NBCNews: "Mr. McClellan, did the President pass over Alberto Gonzalez because he was a dirty sanchez? Any comment on Harry Reid's donkey punch response?" (from Bill)

8. DAHLIA LITHWICK, Slate: "Does Alito's anti-abortion stance open up the metaphorical hairy beef curtains for overturning Roe v. Wade?"

7. PAUL KRUGMAN, NYT: "And so it goes. The Bush Administration is not merely content to dismantle American democracy one cog at a time. It now has the temerity to fuck us all up the collective ass without the common courtesy of a reach-around."

6. HELEN THOMAS, UPI: "Ummm... ummm... I'm trying to think of some sexual double-entendre for this nominee, but the fact is, I haven't had my pipes cleaned since Orville Wright nailed me in his toolshed at Kitty Hawk. I'd like to say something really dirty, some filthy sexual term. Like 'pudendum' maybe. Or 'vas deferens.' Those are dirty words, right?"

5. BOB HERBERT, NYT: "It was bad enough when Bush waved his neo-con 'junk' in our faces and then meat-slapped us with his stinky pinky. Now he proposes to engage the nation in a judicial tea-bagging of the first order."

4. HELEN THOMAS, UPI: "Okay, I've got it now -- testes! I seem to remember that testes have something to do with sex."

3. TINA BROWN, Washington Post: "I double monkey-fucked the brothers from Oasis in disused lavatory at Heathrow. That's not really on topic or anything. I'm just bragging."

2. ACE OF SPADES, Blogger: "I love it. Bush just gave the liberal left the 'Nasty Adolf' it's been begging for."

...and the Number One Media Response to the Nomination of Judge Alito...

FOUR-WAY TIE:

1. MAUREEN DOWD, NYT: "Is he single? Will he marry me? Why won't anyone marry me? It's because I'm just too damn hot, isn't it? "

1. WONKETTE, Blogger: "Jesus, I just became irrelevant. I mean more irrelevant I guess. Ass-Sex? Anyone? Anyone? Ass-Sex? Please notice me! I'm daring and irreverent! And I'm a dirty whore!"

1. BOB DOLE'S COCK, Analyst for PBS' Frontline: "I give it a B+."

1. PAT O'BRIEN, Access Hollywood: "I'm so into you, Judge Alito. You're so fucking hhhhoottt. Let's do it, let's have sex. But you have to pretend to be into Betsy, too."


Posted by: Ace at 10:29 AM | Comments (32)
Post contains 457 words, total size 3 kb.

1 AoS Front Page - italicized for her pleasure.

Posted by: apotheosis at October 31, 2005 10:32 AM (KpdET)

2 Dammit Ace. I just realized something.

You're funnier than me.

Fuck, I hate envy.

Good stuff, pal.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at October 31, 2005 10:35 AM (y1hCN)

3 All the really cool kids know how to close their fucking italics tags.

Posted by: Monty at October 31, 2005 10:35 AM (cB/4p)

4 I just shot a chunk of KitKat out of my right nostril.....

Posted by: Sharp as a Marble at October 31, 2005 10:37 AM (9tUNz)

5 Then again, I guess I'm a bit disappointed you didn't work in a "Roman shower" or "bloody fisting" reference. Those are always good, especially since the "Dirty Sanchez" and "Nasty Adolf" are practically indistinguishable as a matter of course.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at October 31, 2005 10:39 AM (y1hCN)

6 Oh, they're plenty distingushable. One is a lot nastier than the other.

Posted by: ace at October 31, 2005 10:41 AM (UxtY9)

7 Luckily I have no idea what ace and Dave are discussing. I like to wallow in my innocence.

But as for the quotes I DID get...pretty funny.

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at October 31, 2005 10:43 AM (CtDzx)

8 nice.

Posted by: bostonirish at October 31, 2005 10:43 AM (IunsS)

9 RWS:

Luckily I have no idea what ace and Dave are discussing.

I can pretty much guarantee you that you're happier not knowing. Trust me on this. DO NOT try to find details on these terms from any major Intarweb search engine, because I guarantee you that it will take you places you do not want to go.

Remember the goatse guy, and be afraid.

Posted by: Monty at October 31, 2005 10:50 AM (cB/4p)

10 what Monty said.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at October 31, 2005 10:53 AM (pzen5)

11 Really, Ace? I guess I'll have to search for the meaning when I get on my home machine, unless bbeck wants to chime in.

Oh, and there's also a "gorilla mask"-- can't forget that one. It's funny because it involves a monkey. Okay, ape. Whatever, furry and funny.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at October 31, 2005 10:54 AM (y1hCN)

12 I probably would have thought that was funnier if I knew the meaning of "double monkey-fucking." I need a more active social life.

Posted by: utron at October 31, 2005 11:00 AM (CgIkY)

13 And yet again Bob Dole's Cock proves to be the top of the pundit class.

Posted by: Iblis at October 31, 2005 11:02 AM (9221z)

14 Thanks for the mention, Ace!

Posted by: Jack M. at October 31, 2005 11:08 AM (6krEN)

15 And yet again Bob Dole's Cock proves to be the top of the pundit class.

"Viagra, is there nothing it can't do!"

Posted by: JFH at October 31, 2005 11:09 AM (arxyn)

16 RWS: I think it is in reference to the time Ace tackled and wrestled with some poor Puerto Rican kid in the park and put his you know what on the kid's upper lip and it looked just like Hitler's moustache, though personally, I don't think so.

Posted by: at October 31, 2005 11:14 AM (lHgNC)

17 I mean, it didn't really look like a moustache. I do believe it is a true story.

Posted by: at October 31, 2005 11:15 AM (lHgNC)

18 LOL---Utron: probably would have thought that was funnier if I knew the meaning of "double monkey-fucking." I need a more active social life.--No, it's actually funnier not knowing. And it's definitely better never admitting you do know. Leave all the definitions to ACE so you don't have to explain to anyone what the heck you've been doing as in "HONEY I WAS SURE THIS WOULD BE REALLY GREAT__ACE RECOMMENDED IT">

Posted by: john at October 31, 2005 11:37 AM (j1qgJ)

19 Brilliant stuff, Ace.

Posted by: Sobek at October 31, 2005 11:40 AM (6GK9U)

20 I thought Dowd was married?

Posted by: at October 31, 2005 11:45 AM (lHgNC)

21 I just shot a chunk of KitKat out of my right nostril.....

Lucky. I was eating pussy. Fired my girlfriend right out of mine and into the headboard. She's still pissed.

Posted by: rd at October 31, 2005 11:45 AM (lpbk9)

22 What? No comment from Andrew Sullivan? Or are you trying to avoid an NC-17 rating?

Posted by: Brown Line at October 31, 2005 11:58 AM (VrNoa)

23 BL, by the end of the day Sully will be bloviating about the Ratzinger Court. And how he's starting to develop an allergic reaction to K-Y.

Posted by: Iblis at October 31, 2005 12:06 PM (9221z)

24 What's a "reach around?"

I got one:
Chris Matthews, MSNBC: "This nomination will make the extreme-right-wing feel like they just gave the American people a huge pearl necklace."

Posted by: Bart at October 31, 2005 12:10 PM (E7axr)

25 DAN RATHER, ret. "The collapse of the Miers nomination left George Bush more embarrassed 'an a boytoy in the emergency with a Coke bottle up his unmentionables. He's hopin' Judge Alito 'll be just what the doctor ordered to get him out of this situation without permanent damage in the ... poll area."

Posted by: Sonetka at October 31, 2005 12:15 PM (Lj7UE)

26 Roberts: Is there any danger that Alito has modeled himself so closely after Scalia that he'll spend his tenure giving Antonin the rusty trombone rather than thinking for himself?

Posted by: The Warden at October 31, 2005 01:48 PM (cZGnO)

27 David Gergory: "Seeing how closely Scalia and Alito are, is it fair to characterize them as a "double-ender.?"

Posted by: Bart at October 31, 2005 01:56 PM (pKHyV)

28 Bart, try here

Posted by: Iblis at October 31, 2005 02:33 PM (9221z)

29 Top shelf.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos at October 31, 2005 04:16 PM (ORCq8)

30 Points off for no "angry dragons" or "blumpkins."

Still made me laugh out loud in my cube, though, provoking the usual worry from co-workers.

Posted by: The Colossus at November 01, 2005 04:52 AM (MPlhu)

31 Personally, this just shows how the fundie neocons and Emperor Bushitler McChimpy continues to drive the Beef Bus of fascism into Tuna Town's city hall.

Posted by: Xoxotl at November 01, 2005 05:34 AM (IR7Pw)

32 Howard Fineman, Newsweek speaking to Chris Matthews, Hardball : "Some of the extreme-right-wing-conservatives complained that Mier lacked substance and gravitas. In other words, Chris, putting Harriet Miers on the bench would be like waving a hot-dog in the Holland Tunnel."

Chris Matthews: "No friction, huh?"

Howard Fineman: "Nope. She's loose as a goose."

Chris Mattews: "Excellent point, Howard. Those neo-cons who brought us into war by outing the CIA agent, Valerie Plame, expect a Supreme Court Justice to give them a lot of satisfaction from the bench."

Howard Fineman: "That's right, Chris. They want someone they can ride like a 12 year old Philipino whore."

Chris Matthews: "So you believe that Miers is definitely out?"

Howard Fineman: "Absolutely. She's all dried up."

Posted by: Bart at November 01, 2005 12:40 PM (GaLmg)

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