December 31, 2013


— Ace

Originally Published April 1, 2005.

If you've forgotten this bit, Pat O'Brien left a series of sexually explicit voicemails on the phone of a woman he was trying to arrange a tryst with. Among his various suggestions for a fun night out were getting coke, getting whores, and having a menage à trois with his girlfriend Betsy.

Frequently he advised his would-be paramour: "You have to pretend to be into Betsy." Because, Gentleman.

The voicemails can be heard on YouTube -- but note the Content Warning.

This all led to a lot of fun on the site, including commenters' doing Pat O'Brien haikus. (How come we don't do haikus anymore? Hm, we need to start doing haikus again.)

I'd like that stuff but it's very very dirty and I try not to swear so much anymore. If you go searching for Pat O'Brien stuff, don't comment on those years-old threads, because the system will deem that to be spam and ban you.

The one thing I'll link, because no dirty words will wind up appearing in this post, is AllahPundit's mash-up of Lionel Ritchie's sappy Hello with Pat O'Brien's more forward-leaning greetings. Again, Content Warning.

There's actually an ending to this tale that I forgot-- Pat O'Brien pretended to be into Betsy by proposing to her. I guess they're married now.

At the time, I guessed that O'Brien's wedding vows would be:

I, Pat O'Brien, take thee, Betsy,
as my lawfully wedded wife;
to have and to hold;
to just go craaaaazy on you;
to love and to cherish;
to get some hookers and some coke;
to honor and obey;
we can have any of these whores;
I don't know why I'm acting like this;
I'm so into you, let's do it,
let's have some sex.


Posted by: Ace at 01:42 PM | Comments (92)
Post contains 306 words, total size 2 kb.

1 everybody's gotta have a hobby, and I had a GOOD time impersonating him vocally for a while...

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 01:46 PM (TE35l)

2 This is fucking hot.

Posted by: fluffy at December 31, 2013 01:46 PM (Ua6T/)

3 Thank god. The bovine lactation was becoming rancid.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at December 31, 2013 01:47 PM (LSDdO)

4 Betsy!? That's hot....

Posted by: Britney Spears at December 31, 2013 01:47 PM (RJMhd)

5 Moar Haiku and Moar Crunchy Figs. That's what this site needs. ...and CakeGirl.

Posted by: garrett at December 31, 2013 01:49 PM (0GtXP)

6 Pat O'Brien here and what a show we have for you tonight! Translation: Thats it, baby, take all of it!

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 01:49 PM (EWsrI)

7 Betsy--- Do any of you even know a Betsy? I think I missed this because I was snorting cheesepuff dust with Kevin.

Posted by: Britney Spears at December 31, 2013 01:49 PM (RJMhd)

8 Haiku. Five, seven, five, right?

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 01:50 PM (EWsrI)

9 I don't know who Pat O'Brian is ...

Posted by: Adriane... at December 31, 2013 01:50 PM (m3Cp/)

10 3 Bitter Clinger and All That at December 31, 2013 06:47 PM (LSDdO)

In his defense it boils down to "I want to be stoned" and hey I have to admit, "who the hell could tell?"

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 01:51 PM (TE35l)

11 i will call you Betsy, and Betsy - when you call me - you can call me Al.

Posted by: Bigby's Knuckle Sandwich at December 31, 2013 01:51 PM (RLTt1)

12 What's Betsy look like?

And who the fuck is Pat O'Brian?

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 01:51 PM (vHRtU)

13 Can't you see it's they who own the night, and apparently they can't stop. And they won't stop.

Posted by: UWP at December 31, 2013 01:51 PM (2hQRj)

14 Do any of you even know a Betsy?

A couple.  They're seasoned citizens.

Posted by: HeideRadieschen at December 31, 2013 01:52 PM (nMYaa)

15 Maybe we ought to include the epic AoS Schiavo War in the Ten Year Anniversary look-back. Especially since a court and a hospital and ins company is trying to kill a young girl on life support in California. In this case, the family isn't divided; they want to Not Kill Her.

Posted by: soothsayer at December 31, 2013 01:52 PM (fb5Xr)

16 Do any of you even know a Betsy? I know a lot of women named Betsy.

Posted by: Jay Carney at December 31, 2013 01:52 PM (0GtXP)

17 My Knowledge of Pat, is do do ca ca or scat, No Apologies!

Posted by: Adriane... at December 31, 2013 01:52 PM (m3Cp/)

18 POB's podcast cures insomnia

Posted by: addictiiooonnnzzzzzz at December 31, 2013 01:52 PM (R6JT1)

19 Heh I knew a Betsy in High School, "not Biblically" although she tried in Jr. High....

She was taller than me until my junior year, and eventually was a soft ball star and has a similar life resume to the hostess of GMA who came out the third time this decade...

so there's that.

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 01:52 PM (TE35l)

20 A Haiku called forth Betsy's got hind tit again Pat O'B redux

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 01:52 PM (ZshNr)

21 Coke is so 80's man . I'm gonna' spark up a fatty instead .

Posted by: awkward davies at December 31, 2013 01:53 PM (WK8VM)

22 who the fuck is Pat O'Brian he wrote those master and commander books

Posted by: Bigby's Knuckle Sandwich at December 31, 2013 01:53 PM (RLTt1)

23 What's Betsy look like? *********** I dunno but I think Mr. Moo Moo would Fetche la vache! Il est dans le dernier thread.

Posted by: Britney Spears at December 31, 2013 01:53 PM (RJMhd)

24 18 addictiiooonnnzzzzzz at December 31, 2013 06:52 PM (R6JT1)

it didn't cure my insomnia, it did almost cure my desire to continue living.

If you could bottle schmooze it'd have his name attached.

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 01:53 PM (TE35l)

25 boop goes the machine hay bay bee hay bay bee doll boop goes the machine

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 01:53 PM (EWsrI)

26 Did someone mention bacon on the last thread?  I could really use some bacon right about now.

Posted by: Killerdog at December 31, 2013 01:54 PM (Oi60j)

27 soft ball star *** Ya--that's usually the problem.

Posted by: Britney Spears at December 31, 2013 01:54 PM (RJMhd)

28 he wrote those master and commander books Ah ha! a BDSM fan ...

Posted by: Adriane... at December 31, 2013 01:54 PM (m3Cp/)

29 I discovered I agree with Mr. Moo Moo on something in the last thread. If you'll excuse me for a second... *Stands on stool, adjusts noose*

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at December 31, 2013 01:55 PM (oFCZn)

30 I commented on an old post ..and now I am banned .. help me Mr. Wizard !!

Posted by: armadillo at December 31, 2013 01:56 PM (qQk+U)

31 I know Betsy, she has great bacons!

Posted by: Killerdog at December 31, 2013 01:56 PM (Oi60j)

32 @11, i'll call you Betsy, and Betsy - when you call me - you can call me Al.

Posted by: Piercello at December 31, 2013 01:56 PM (P4dpU)

33 27 Britney Spears at December 31, 2013 06:54 PM (RJMhd)

Yeah...well she was not exactly inspiring at making me play er uh hardball like Chris Matthews and Obama....

I shudder to think my cold rejection of her clumsy interludes led her to the Sapphic Amazonian underhand lifestyle.

She was good breeding stock, if you needed a race of Americans who could rip the arms off of droids.

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 01:56 PM (TE35l)

34 Of course someone mentioned Bacon in the last Thread. It's in the bylaws.

Posted by: garrett at December 31, 2013 01:56 PM (0GtXP)

35 he wrote those master and commander books

Ah ha! a BDSM fan ...

*tip o' the hat to you both*

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 01:56 PM (vHRtU)

36 32 oo that's good

Posted by: Bigby's Knuckle Sandwich at December 31, 2013 01:57 PM (RLTt1)

37 12 Steps of Grey

Posted by: addictiiooonnnzzzzzz at December 31, 2013 01:57 PM (R6JT1)

38 We are getting recycled jokes.


Shouldn't complain; I use the same old schtick most of the time.

Posted by: fluffy at December 31, 2013 01:59 PM (Ua6T/)

39 Not long before this juicy little scandal surfaced, Pat was on Imus gushing over "Pleasantville." I believe they call that Dramatic Irony.

Posted by: Caliban at December 31, 2013 01:59 PM (2ArJQ)

40 bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon mush room mush room bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon ...

Posted by: Adriane... at December 31, 2013 02:00 PM (m3Cp/)

41 We are getting recycled jokes. Ace warned us he'd be doing this.

Posted by: garrett at December 31, 2013 02:00 PM (0GtXP)

42 Dack.... You too ? Grabs stool and appropriate length of 'hempen' rope . Think I'll join you .

Posted by: awkward davies at December 31, 2013 02:00 PM (WK8VM)

43 A pot legalization advocate in 10 years: "Who are we to keep illegalizing cocaine, man? Our prisons are full of non-violent cocaine and crack users. If we let them out they would be productive members of society. Freedom! You're the same type of people who want to ban tobacco and 17 oz sodas. Christian hypocrites- the lot of you."

Posted by: Naes1984 at December 31, 2013 02:01 PM (zeV2E)

44 http://youtu.be/bJGnp_3B8YE

In one of those rare occasions where I do not know whether to hit Dr Phil, his guest(Pat O'Brien) or hit the button 9-lining SMOD for an Arclight on all of us....

here's Dr Phil and O'brien.....

Content warning....

FUCK

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 02:01 PM (TE35l)

45 Who? Pat O'Brian? Wasn't he played by Brian Dennehy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?

Posted by: Inspector Cussword at December 31, 2013 02:01 PM (xJS2Q)

46 Being able to put a voice to Ace's writing because of the podcast just makes this throwback stuff even funnier.

Posted by: Big T Party at December 31, 2013 02:01 PM (YVWNt)

47 click rewind sound click hey pat it's larry click click hey pat is betsy woof woof woof are arf who's been a good puppy dog arf arf woof woof woof

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 02:02 PM (EWsrI)

48 Is somebody gonna shit in someone else's mouth or not?

Posted by: Martin Bashir at December 31, 2013 02:02 PM (GgPam)

49 There was a man who Did not do Haikus Because Haikus (bacon)

Posted by: eleven at December 31, 2013 02:02 PM (fsLdt)

50 momentarily OT, but Superman is coming on HBO now

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 31, 2013 02:02 PM (DmNpO)

51 45 Inspector Cussword at December 31, 2013 07:01 PM (xJS2Q)

Close, he was played playing Knute Rockne in Knute Rockne-All American alongside Ronald Reagan as George Gipp....

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 02:03 PM (TE35l)

52 Damn, i feel old right now... Even I remember this one.

Posted by: shredded chi, the young curmudgeon at December 31, 2013 02:03 PM (4P/s6)

53 Jerry curl abounds I'm dancing on the ceiling Hello, Paddy O

Posted by: angler at December 31, 2013 02:04 PM (+zZOH)

54 Coke legalization? That's a running gag in GTA V. I need tips on spending my $4 billion in GTA online cash... No hacking by me. I just killed hackers.

Posted by: wooga at December 31, 2013 02:04 PM (vvB6e)

55 "I try not to swear so much anymore."

What about cursing instead?

Posted by: Dang at December 31, 2013 02:04 PM (MNq6o)

56 52 shredded chi, the young curmudgeon at December 31, 2013 07:03 PM (4P/s6)

Just wait until you remember shit that happened when you were 18 that 20 year olds don't remember....

welcome to 37 soon

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 02:05 PM (TE35l)

57 New Years Eve , yeah, perfect time to re-fight the drug wars .

Posted by: awkward davies at December 31, 2013 02:05 PM (WK8VM)

58 Well heavens to Betsy,  whatever that means.

Posted by: Dang at December 31, 2013 02:06 PM (MNq6o)

59 I don't know who Pat O'Brien is, or the hoagie guy from earlier today either. But the hoagie post was great.

Posted by: rickl at December 31, 2013 02:07 PM (sdi6R)

60 58 Dang at December 31, 2013 07:06 PM (MNq6o)

I think you meant "Heaven AND Betsy...which costs extra....

//Pat O'Brien

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 02:07 PM (TE35l)

61 cocaine? too dangerous! I'll stick with heroin, thanks

Posted by: Bigby's Knuckle Sandwich at December 31, 2013 02:08 PM (RLTt1)

62 Bets, you're my lady But no mustache rides for you We are having guests.

Posted by: angler at December 31, 2013 02:09 PM (+zZOH)

63 It's two thousand and five Cheesy porn stache gray hair stuck In her teeth oh Betsy

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 02:09 PM (EWsrI)

64 Cansekus killed the haikus. That just cannot be topped.

Posted by: toby928 establishes prior art at December 31, 2013 02:09 PM (QupBk)

65 I'd be a lot more willing to entertain the idea of legalizing drugs if I wasn't being gratuitously insulted by an amoral, abortion-loving braggart who equates drinking a beer with getting drunk. Just a thought.

Posted by: Grey Fox at December 31, 2013 02:09 PM (VUDJK)

66 Oooh -- so now apparently doing cocaine and heroin at the same time can cause a "heart attack". Apparently heart attacks are something you can catch from eeeevilllll drugs. Oh noes!

Posted by: PotTard Freedom Rider at December 31, 2013 02:09 PM (ZPrif)

67 59 rickl at December 31, 2013 07:07 PM (sdi6R)

Pat O'Brien was a slightly more feminine version of Mary Hart(who is a fairly hot 63) celebreportard from the last ~36 years....

a studio would want buzz for a film or a premier and there would be a slightly buzzed Pat O'Brien

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 02:09 PM (TE35l)

68 New Years Eve , yeah, perfect time to re-fight the drug wars
I'm thinking a made for TV movie where drug smugglers use the chaos of NYE revelry as cover for getting past law enforcement.
Budget of $2M. Any ideas?

Posted by: fluffy at December 31, 2013 02:09 PM (Ua6T/)

69 Shouldn't complain; I use the same old schtick most of the time. You're not alone.

Posted by: the monkeys at December 31, 2013 02:10 PM (fb5Xr)

70 68 fluffy at December 31, 2013 07:09 PM (Ua6T/)

It's called "make a lot of cash night"....

nah but you have to work in a visual of a line or six getting snorted, the apple falling, and then fireworks in cheesy 70s style....

Gold jerry GOLD

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 02:11 PM (TE35l)

71 Just wait until you remember shit that happened when you were 18 that 20 year olds don't remember.... 1980s? Try making a "Carter couldn't land a helicopter in the desert" joke in front of your nephew & then talk to me.

Posted by: shredded chi, the young curmudgeon at December 31, 2013 02:12 PM (4P/s6)

72 No, we don't need Haikus. If we're doing poetry, let's pick something along the track of Western Civilization.

Limmericks and sonnets come to mind. The idea of sonnets from the horde is amusing.

There once was a man named Obama
He often says he killed Osama.
  It was really Seal Team Six
  That got us out of that fix.
We just love us our prima donna.

Posted by: Al at December 31, 2013 02:13 PM (9ynpo)

73 40 bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon mush room mush room bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon ... Posted by: Adriane... at December 31, 2013 07:00 PM (m3Cp/) STEEEAAAAK! It's steeeaaak...

Posted by: rickl at December 31, 2013 02:13 PM (sdi6R)

74 Wow, he's 65 now so he was doing this shit when he 56 years old?!

Posted by: Bean Pies, ey? at December 31, 2013 02:13 PM (Qev5V)

75 71 shredded chi, the young curmudgeon at December 31, 2013 07:12 PM (4P/s6)

been there done that....

try showing your 14 year old footage of Chevy Chase doing Gerald Ford and explain T3h Funneh

Posted by: Sven10077 at December 31, 2013 02:13 PM (TE35l)

76 THE Pat O'Brien? With the bar in New Orleans? Shitty Hurricanes.

Posted by: angler at December 31, 2013 02:13 PM (+zZOH)

77 Posted by: Grey Fox at December 31, 2013 07:09 PM (VUDJK) Heh! Word.

Posted by: CrotchetyOldJarhead at December 31, 2013 02:15 PM (60Vyp)

78 According to Richard Pryor's medical records, cocaine can cause spontaneous combustion.

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 02:15 PM (ZshNr)

79 Shitty Hurricanes. ---------------- It's Bush's fault

Posted by: Katrina at December 31, 2013 02:15 PM (aDwsi)

80 71 you know what I've found boggles the mind of every kid? describing those old supermarket bin and trestle set ups. by kid, i mean adults, sorta

Posted by: Bigby's Knuckle Sandwich at December 31, 2013 02:16 PM (RLTt1)

81 29 I discovered I agree with Mr. Moo Moo on something in the last thread 59 I don't know who Pat O'Brien is, or the hoagie guy from earlier today either. But the hoagie post was great.[/] Oh, boy... Do I need to go back and read? I've been gone all day.

Posted by: shredded chi, the young curmudgeon at December 31, 2013 02:16 PM (4P/s6)

82 shit

Posted by: shredded chi, the young curmudgeon at December 31, 2013 02:17 PM (4P/s6)

83 You dodged a bullet. The Barrel is hungry tonight.

Posted by: toby928 establishes prior art at December 31, 2013 02:18 PM (QupBk)

84 Nice recovery.

Posted by: rickl at December 31, 2013 02:18 PM (sdi6R)

85 I just looked in. I did not have to crawl into (even better - out of ) the barrel.

Posted by: shredded chi, the young curmudgeon at December 31, 2013 02:18 PM (4P/s6)

86 fluffy , no way man . Every cop in the country is on duty on new years eve . Hmm , maybe the cops are the smugglers and dealers. OK , John Travolta starring as the corrupt watch commander , and Steven Seagal as the good cop , trying to protect his city . Al Pacino , is conflicted and doing his ham aaaand cheese in the role of Chief of Police . $2m budget . No . That won't even cover Seagal's catering bill .

Posted by: awkward davies at December 31, 2013 02:19 PM (WK8VM)

87 try showing your 14 year old footage of Chevy Chase doing Gerald Ford and explain T3h Funneh If it was on Laserdisc or BetaMax, then I'll talk to you.

Posted by: shredded chi, the young curmudgeon at December 31, 2013 02:21 PM (4P/s6)

88 New thread , dammit , I feel like willow .

Posted by: awkward davies at December 31, 2013 02:24 PM (WK8VM)

89 I still laugh at that mashup song

Posted by: Enrico Pallazzo at December 31, 2013 02:49 PM (RBQss)

90 Who the hell is Pat O'Brien? And if I knew who he was, why should I care?

Posted by: Comanche Voter at December 31, 2013 03:48 PM (VAche)

91 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I forgot about this one. In the limited and brief time that I've been reading here, you mentioned this and linked to the original stuff. It was so damn funny --- all of it --- that I actually spent the time following all of the old links including the Allah stuff. This one ranks up there with Paul Anka rant.

Posted by: L, elle at December 31, 2013 05:02 PM (0xqKe)

92 The author of the sea novels is dead.

Posted by: Goatweed at December 31, 2013 05:54 PM (8HrdX)

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