January 01, 2014

Ten Years of Nonsense: JackM's Epic Poems
— Ace

I have counted the votes, and you morons decided that you wanted me to publish the epic poem that won Fox News' Miss Suzanne Sena's heart.

It's perhaps the finest work ever published in the history of the blogosphere. I say that humbly. The credit, of course, does not go to me. I am simply the vessel thru which Suzanne Sena's inspirational essence flows. (See how great that line is? It merely hints at what is to come.)

I'll put this epic masterpiece in the extended entry, so that you won't have to read it if this is of no interest to you. Don't let the fact that this will most likely be thought of by future generations as a work that is as important as "Beowulf" prejudice your decision.

And now, for your voyeuristic pleasure, I present to you my masterpiece. How long did it take me to write it? A lifetime, my friends. A lifetime.

UPDATE: They are trying to bury my masterpiece with lots of new posts, so I am bumping this one closer to the top. Humor me, or I'll publish Volume II.

UPDATE 2: (Jack M.- 2014)Thank you, Ace, for including me in your "Ten Years of Nonsense" series. Some are asking some questions below, so I just wanted to provide a couple of quick answers: Ace and I are different people (he's the one with the hobo and e-cig fetish, although not necessarily in that order. Ok, yes, exactly in that order.), this is exactly as the post appeared originally (would y'all repaint the Mona Lisa? No, no you wouldn't. But you're morons, so if you did it would come out like this, and the intro line about the "votes" is just strangely serendipitous. Also commenter AD is perhaps the greatest literary reviewer in the history of AOSHQ commenters.

Jokes aside, I appreciate greatly being included in Ace's "Ten Years" series. It's always been fun to blog here, and I'm grateful that Ace has given me opportunities over the last ten years to engage in silliness like this. Y'all are a great bunch of morons, and I wish y'all a very Happy 2014.

Jack M. (@jackmcoldcuts on twitter) I remember the first time I saw her,
years ago, but as vivid as the picture
on my new
high definition TV.

She was hosting an entertainment section on
a Channel called "E!"
which I thought was for homos
and only stumbled upon
accidentally.

But as I watched her light up my screen
I realized that something profound was happening here.
Her beauty was so transcendent that I could watch
and not have anyone think I was queer.

Electric Elegance.
Electric Elegance.
Electric.
Elegance.
Shimmery, glimmery, lightning in a bottle.
As sleek and as sexy
as my
Harley at full throttle.

I remember my Dad.
He was a man of few words.
But great action.
A commander of men, really.
A Colossi who strode the Earth.
And he told me once,
"Jack, have a dream.
Reach for the stars,
but keep your feet on the ground."

No, my Father was not Casey Casem.
He just listened to a lot of radio.
And met my mother
after she sent him a long distance dedication
on
"American Top Forty"
while he was in Vietnam.
Or Grenada.
Or maybe Panama.
I don't really remember the story.

It's the moral that counts, really.
And the lesson I learned was that love blooms
even in the most barren of gardens
when someone like Suzanne Sena
holds
the
watering can.

Did you ever notice the tiny rainbows
that form
in the droplets of morning dew
just prior to their
evaporation by
the sun?

That's like Suzanne Sena's
overnight cut-in's
on Fox
during Red Eye.
A short-lived moment of beauty
every morning
at 2:30.

Speaking of Red Eye,
I wonder if Andrew Levy will read this.
He comments here sometimes.
And seems like a good guy.
For, you know, one of the chosen people.
And by "chosen" I of course mean
blonde.

Which brings me back to Suzanne.
Sweet, sweet Suzanne.
When we had our first date,
and went to Baskin Robbins,
we had a conversation about music.

It turns out that she knows her rock and roll.
I told you she was perfect.
Anyway, she brought up the subject of "Double Albums"
and asked which one I thought was the greatest of all time.

So I said "The Beatles", known to you morons as "The White Album".
And she countered with Dylan's "Blonde on Blonde".
Which threw me off my game.
Because I started to think about Suzanne and Courtney Freil.
I told you she was good.

Anyway, when we got home.
I put on "Blonde on Blonde"
and we listened to "Visions of Johanna".
And when Dylan sang that the "ghosts of electricity howled
in the bones of her face".
I got pissed off.
Because I thought he ripped off my electric elegance line.
Turns out the song is 40 years old though.
Huh.

That's older than me.
So I guess I shouldn't hold a grudge.
But I do.
Bastard.

Ah, Suzanne!
Not "Oh, Suzanna"
Unless you prefer that.
Which,
if you do,
means I'll have to buy a banjo.
'Cause I already have a knee.
Which would totally be cool.
So long as I never have to actually
you know
play that gawdawful hillbilly thing.
For you though,
I'd at least
pretend.

Geez the Patriots are killing the Chargers.
This game is really pretty boring.
Like that Administrative Law course I took in law school.
Where the Professor was all up in my face with his
"Code of Federal Regulations" this and his
"Federal Agency" that.
But I knew that no matter how bad
my class got
I could retreat to my "happy place"
which differs from "my bunk"
only in that Suzanne Sena appears there
during the day.

While I'm watching TV of course.
Geez you are pervs.
Of course if you weren't voyeurs
you wouldn't still be reading of my love for Suzanne Sena
so I guess McCartney was right.

After all he said "And in the end,
the love you take,
is equal to the love,
you make."

Which doesn't really mean anything in the context of the reference.
But nothing in this poem has rhymed in quite a while.
So I thought i would fit it in.
To satisfy those pedants
who think poems
have to rhyme
to be
poems.

Tell it to Maya Angelou, suckas.
If she were writing of her love for Suzanne Sena,
She would be writing crap like:
"The tree spirit
suckels the river spirits nipple
As mother Africa
births another boulder.
Tree.
River.
Rock.
Untamed spirit of feminine awareness!"

That crap doesn't rhyme.
And yet she is a poet.
I guess.
Maybe that's open for debate.
What isn't open for debate
is that Suzanne Sena is
the most beautiful overnight news anchor to
ever appear on Red Eye.
And all you Ainsley Earhardt fans
can suck it.

Ahhh....Red Eye.
A lot of people say that Red Eye is nothing more than
an hour of Gutfeld
filled in
with Hover-Round commercials.

But I disagree,
in the strongest possible terms.
Red Eye is actually
2 minutes of Suzanne Sena
surrounded by 58 minutes of Gutfeld.

Greedy Bastard.
Who does he think he is, anyway?
Just because he worked for Maxim
he gets to surround himself with hotties?
At least I don't have to worry
about Bill's motives when he sits next to Suzanne
on the show.

Suzanne
Sena
Suzanne
Senasational.

No, I'm not stalling for time.
I'm engaging in word play.
To show I'm clever.
Chicks dig that.
Or so
Allah tells me.
Of course we are both blogging
on our respective sites tonight.
So maybe I should
seek someone else's
advice.

Actually, that last paragraph was a lie.
This isn't my site.
I just have privileges.
You don't want to know what I had to do to get them.
Let's just say I never needed a bottle of Scope
so badly.
And Suzanne must never know.

Suzanne, Suzanne
So easy on the eyes.
And so sweet....so very sweet.
Did you ever notice that nothing tastes sweeter than candy
you've stolen from a baby?
That's how sweet Suzanne Sena is.
Stolen baby candy sweet.

I know a guy.
And by know I mean "hate".
Who got married a couple of years ago
and who's first child was probably the
Anti-Sena.

Cholicy and ugly little bastard.
And the kid was no picnic either.
Anyway, I stole candy from that kid.
But I had a good reason.
I wanted to make him cry.

And when those tears were running down his
fat face,
and his nagging wife was trying to get the kid
to stop screaming
I made a move for the pacifier too
but it was out of reach.

You may be wondering,
"Jack, why would you be mean to a baby?"
To which I answer,
"I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIENDS!"

But you know who would never be mean to a baby?
Suzanne Sena.
Her dark brown eyes,
simply radiate empathy,
compassion,
and love.

And the blush in her cheeks,
when she talks about me in the You Tube clip,
is like twin roses
or carnations.
I bet she smells like lilacs.
But not James Lileks.
Talk about a buzzkill.

Sometimes free association is a bitch.
Now I'm thinking about Lileks.
And Minnesota.
Next thing you know I will be reading "PowerLine".
Nah,
strike that.
Thinking about a blogger called "hindrocket"
is even worse for my libido
than thinking about
Lileks.

Make no mistake tho.
They are both really, really, bad things for my libido.
I mean,
negative numbers bad.
I just want that on the record.

You know what else I want on the record?
My deep appreciation for Fox News' Miss Suzanne Sena.
I forwarded the YouTube Clip to my Mom.
Who has been having a really difficult time
for a number of reasons
that I won't go into here.
And that clip made her laugh,
for the first time
in a long while.

And for that, I will always be grateful.
I've never met Miss Sena.
Or even Andrew Levy.
But they brought joy to my Mom
and I think that's pretty cool.
For all my goofyness,
something good came out of it.

I just wanted to say that.
Before I slipped back into character
and continued flirting with my
once and future bride.

For she will be my bride.
It is written in the stars.
If you use a loose definition of "stars"
to include the illuminated sign at
Sonic
that I paid some 17 year old kid
to put the phrase
"Suzanne Sena + Jack M."

I got ripped off though.
Because the sign at the Sonic,
didnt have any S's.
or J's.

So the sign read "uzanne ena + ack m."
"2 for $2.99"

Which, in many ways,
is not the message I intended to send.
Because Suzanne Sena is not cheap.

I guess I should be grateful though.
At least the kid at Sonic didn't put the n's on the sign backwards.
Don't you hate it when you see that?
A whole generation of retards who think that because
the "Toys 'R Us" sign
has a backwards "R"
they can just do whatever they want with they letters.

There are rules, people.
And they are there for a reason.
Like the rule about
never ending your sentences with a preposition.
That is one
you retards
should really
listen
to.

But my lovely Suzanne knows all the language rules.
Her grammar is excellent.
her speaking voice is sultry.
Especially for someone
from Michigan.
Which is like
the Mississippi of the North.
Except that Mississippi
never lost
to Appalachian State.

So, Miss Sena, as you can see.
I've had a thing for you since your days on "E!".
Grace and Style and Beauty
The only thing worth watching on my TV.
Excluding football.
A guy has to maintain some latitude
after all.
Lest his buds think he is whipped.
Which would be pretty embarrassing.

Of course as a resident blogger here at AoS HQ,
I've learned to embrace embarrassment.
To run with it.
To own it.

I'm just saying.

So if you find yourself needing a date,
for dinner or something,
you know, casual.
Nothing too gaudy.
Just send me an e-mail.
Or have Levy contact Ace.
I'll be discrete.
I'm a gentleman.

Would it be ok if I sent out a press release?
Or maybe took some pictures on my camera phone?
Something I could put on the blog?
So these morons would stop telling me "she's way out of your league, Jack".
Even though
you probably are.
Because you are Suzanne Sena.
A supernova.
The airwaves brightest shining star.

Thus ends the poem that won me the enduring love and affection of Fox News' Miss Suzanne Sena. If you want an invite to our future wedding, please e-mail LauraW. She organized Aceapalooza, so I figure she can handle this.

Posted by: Ace at 08:29 AM | Comments (157)
Post contains 2187 words, total size 12 kb.

1 Foist?

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 01, 2014 08:30 AM (aDwsi)

2 Heh. Bad way to start 2014

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 01, 2014 08:30 AM (aDwsi)

3 "Except that Mississippi never lost to Appalachian State." That alone makes the post well worth reading.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 01, 2014 08:32 AM (aDwsi)

4 *echos*

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 01, 2014 08:32 AM (aDwsi)

5 C-c-c-c-c-combo breaker

Posted by: CaveJohnson at January 01, 2014 08:34 AM (HHDd2)

6 Almost as good as Jack Handey.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at January 01, 2014 08:34 AM (V4CBV)

7 BARREL.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2014 08:36 AM (0FSuD)

8 He caught hell for this stuff when he was here, but I really miss Jack M. on this site.

Posted by: AD at January 01, 2014 08:36 AM (7cqZK)

9 Well. Alrighty then, back to the football/hockey thread.

Posted by: CrotchetyOldJarhead at January 01, 2014 08:37 AM (B2fm1)

10 I found it all very annoying.

Posted by: Soothsayer at January 01, 2014 08:39 AM (fb5Xr)

11 too much nonsense for me to read after waking up.

Posted by: Deathknyte at January 01, 2014 08:40 AM (iv+Sb)

12 Ace masters yet another medium!


Wow, just Wow!

Posted by: Hrothgar at January 01, 2014 08:40 AM (o3MSL)

13 High-fiving App State on a big orange F.

Posted by: Georgia Southern at January 01, 2014 08:42 AM (sOtz/)

14 Was the expression "TL;DR" invented specifically in response to this poem?

Posted by: m at January 01, 2014 08:42 AM (omrQI)

15 Noe you're scaring me, Ace.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at January 01, 2014 08:42 AM (u82oZ)

16 Now  I'm confused...  Ace is Jack M? 

Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 08:44 AM (BeSEI)

17 Nice poem.

Very ...stalky.

Posted by: noone, really [/i] [/b] at January 01, 2014 08:45 AM (5ikDv)

18 Okay.  That's done. 

Posted by: Soona at January 01, 2014 08:45 AM (LUHDE)

19 Isn't there a sequel poem titled: Fighting a Restraining Order?

Posted by: Bean Pies, ey? at January 01, 2014 08:46 AM (Qev5V)

20 Boring football and Ace's poetry.  I should have gone in  to work today.

Posted by: Soona at January 01, 2014 08:47 AM (LUHDE)

21 Don't let the man keep you down Ace....

No Nair no peace!

Know Nair Know Piece.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 08:47 AM (TE35l)

22 It was like reading Yeats for the first time, but with more Greg Gutfeld than one is accustomed to in the Classics.

Posted by: Lincolntf at January 01, 2014 08:47 AM (ZshNr)

23 This is the first thread I can remember that is seemingly dead before 20 comments!

Posted by: Hrothgar at January 01, 2014 08:47 AM (o3MSL)

24 Absinthe is a helluva drug, ace.

Posted by: Beagle at January 01, 2014 08:48 AM (sOtz/)

25 19 Bean Pies, ey? at January 01, 2014 01:46 PM (Qev5V)

The third part of the trilogy is Escape and Evasion from Armed Pursuit-A Love Story

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 08:48 AM (TE35l)

26 16 Now I'm confused... Ace is Jack M? Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 01:44 PM (BeSEI) No, JackM is cold cuts while Ace is a hoagie. hth

Posted by: Bean Pies, ey? at January 01, 2014 08:48 AM (Qev5V)

27 22 Lincolntf at January 01, 2014 01:47 PM (ZshNr)

I hear Greg Gutfield's stepfather Bill Shakespeare was deep into his SE Cupps

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 08:49 AM (TE35l)

28 20 Boring football and Ace's poetry. I should have gone in to work today. Posted by: Soona at January 01, 2014 01:47 PM (LUHDE) You must have the key to the building, cause no one else will be there.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2014 08:49 AM (0FSuD)

29 Apropos of everything and nothing, did y'all know you can make moonshine in a crockpot? http://tinyurl.com/l4bzyl8

Posted by: Tonestaple at January 01, 2014 08:50 AM (B7YN4)

30 More Haiku. Less Epic.

Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2014 08:51 AM (57z1g)

31 Geez, "I'd hit that" would be much sweeter. And pithier.

Posted by: Little Miss Spellcheck at January 01, 2014 08:51 AM (a5ljo)

32 How now, brown Ewok? Kaboom of a different color is in the sock.
[snaps finger vigorously]

Posted by: [/i]andycanuck[/b] at January 01, 2014 08:51 AM (8AHeV)

33 The hoagie meme, recovering from the bacchanalian dissipations of New Years eve, stumbles into the thread.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 01, 2014 08:51 AM (aDwsi)

34 Life's too short to read all that crap

Posted by: TexasJew at January 01, 2014 08:51 AM (U+u4A)

35 You must have the key to the building, cause no one else will be there.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2014 01:49 PM (0FSuD)

 

 

--------------------------------------------

 

 

Actually, I do have a key, and, yes, there would be work for me.  I work more or less by myself anyway.   Hmmmm.

Posted by: Soona at January 01, 2014 08:52 AM (LUHDE)

36 Wait, I can hired Miss Sena to coach my talent?

Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2014 08:52 AM (57z1g)

37
This thread is deader than Rosie O'Donnel's cooter!

Posted by: Doctor Fish at January 01, 2014 08:52 AM (pJF+c)

38
I remember the Aceapolooza.  What a wild time that was!  What a party!  What an event!  You shoulda been there.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at January 01, 2014 08:52 AM (MaP11)

39 37 Doctor Fish at January 01, 2014 01:52 PM (pJF+c)

Resurrection is just a fifth of Jack and a lonely night away then...

//Robin Roberts

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 08:53 AM (TE35l)

40 And when those tears were running down his
fat face,
and his nagging wife was trying to get the kid
to stop screaming
I made a move for the pacifier too
but it was out of reach.



I feel your pain.

Posted by: Bill Chinton at January 01, 2014 08:53 AM (0It32)

41 So, I guess the Kaboom post is scheduled for Friday.

Posted by: AmishDude at January 01, 2014 08:54 AM (xSegX)

42 Ezra Pound ended up drooling his life away in a rubber room. For some reason, that just occurred to me.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at January 01, 2014 08:55 AM (dfYL9)

43 I'm not sure if it was Jack or Ace who wrote this ode, but whoever did needs to throw his hat into the ring for the longest and most descriptive love scene contest featured in a book. There could very well be a prize if you winÂ… box of Kaboom or free rubbers or something. happy new year Horde. Lets hope 2014 doesn't suck as badly as 2013.

Posted by: Secret Squirrel at January 01, 2014 08:56 AM (0SmH0)

44 Touchdown, NE.

Posted by: Soona at January 01, 2014 08:56 AM (LUHDE)

45 Great piece,I would only argue that his inteeligence is not even average. http://tinyurl.com/kafjmuw

Posted by: steevy at January 01, 2014 08:56 AM (zqvg6)

46 26 -

I'm not sure what that means, but I'm guessing it's a theme.

I still don't  know the answer to my question.  I was under the impression Jack M was a separate person, a cob, although I haven't seen the name around here lately.  This post reads like this is Ace's poem though, which would mean Jack M is simply a sock of Ace's.

Without the b.s., I'd really just like to know if that's correct or not. 

Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 08:57 AM (BeSEI)

47 31 Geez, "I'd hit that" would be much sweeter. And pithier. Posted by: Little Miss Spellcheck at January 01, 2014 01:51 PM (a5ljo) A little weaksauce these days. "I'd hit that like..." is the new formulation. "...the fist of an angry God." "...Sweet Meteor of Death." "...Little Boy and Fat Man." "...Tsar Bomba." "...the K-T Extinction Event." "...the eventual and inevitable collision between the Andromeda and Milky Way Galaxies." And of course the classic "so hard that" formulation, such as: "I'd hit that so hard whoever pulled me out would be named King of the Britons." All of the above must be carefully considered in context to avoid the aforementioned restraining order.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith[/i][/b][/s][/u] at January 01, 2014 08:57 AM (qyfb5)

48 42 Margarita DeVille at January 01, 2014 01:55 PM (dfYL9)

He had his nice funny little hat, his wife, his mistress, and gawkers...

so there's that

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 08:58 AM (TE35l)

49 Not bad!
At least you didn't go on and on and on, diverging into completely unrelated side topics.

Short sweet and easy to commit to memory! Just the sort of thing one might slip into a romantic conversation.

Posted by: TSgt Ciz at January 01, 2014 08:58 AM (af5xa)

50 Without the b.s., I'd really just like to know if that's correct or not.

Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 01:57 PM (BeSEI)

 

 

------------------------------------------------

 

 

Yeah.  Sure.  A no-BS answer coming right up. 

Posted by: Soona at January 01, 2014 09:00 AM (LUHDE)

51 42 -

Wasn't Ezra Pound a nazi? 

Frankly, I don't care,  I just thought I remember reading that.  I can't  think of too many things I find less interesting than the politics of dead English poets. 

Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 09:00 AM (BeSEI)

52 Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2014 01:51 PM (57z1g)

Winter, where Ace writes of

long lost love Suzanne Sena

and bores us to death!


Posted by: Hrothgar at January 01, 2014 09:00 AM (o3MSL)

53 No, I didn't say that just to stave off part two.

Why would anyone think that?

Posted by: TSgt Ciz at January 01, 2014 09:02 AM (af5xa)

54 51 42 - Wasn't Ezra Pound a nazi? Frankly, I don't care, I just thought I remember reading that. I can't think of too many things I find less interesting than the politics of dead English poets. Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 02:00 PM (BeSEI) He was an Italian fascist. He was also severely mentally ill. Which came first? I don't remember.

Posted by: Bean Pies, ey? at January 01, 2014 09:02 AM (Qev5V)

55 But as I watched her light up my screen I realized that something profound was happening here. Her beauty was so transcendent that I could watch and not have anyone think I was queer. Electric Elegance ****** Sounds more like an-- Ode to E-Cigarettes.

Posted by: Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 09:03 AM (RJMhd)

56 I can't think of too many things I find less interesting than the politics of dead English poets. Posted by: BurtTC ------------------------- Really?

Posted by: Maya Angelou at January 01, 2014 09:03 AM (aDwsi)

57 Beautiful. More readable than Beowulf. More titillating than a photo of Obama or any other photo which does not include tits for some reason. Later.

Posted by: Mirror-Universe Mitt Romney at January 01, 2014 09:04 AM (VYM4n)

58 51 BurtTC at January 01, 2014 02:00 PM (BeSEI)

Ezra Pound was in Italy as a Fascist symp "sorta" in the sense that the NYT and FDR were all agog at Benny Mussolini and that A. Shicklegruber fella in the mid to late 30s right up 'til oh ~38-39....

Ezra didn't get the memo that brown and black shirts were on their way out and hung on there too long.

He had been a fashionable collectivist speaking villa living asshat when the war kicked off and he was not "allowed to leave" or so the story goes.... so he did some PR work for the Italian branch of Fascism inc but was rehabilitated by the hoi polloi reputation wise later.

Never forget when they yell "fascist" at us they are taking a trip down memory lane.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:04 AM (TE35l)

59 48 ---He had his nice funny little hat, his wife, his mistress, and gawkers... so there's that Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 01:58 PM (TE35l) ----------------------------- Not bad, if you ask me. Especially the hat.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at January 01, 2014 09:04 AM (dfYL9)

60 Back to the football thread.

Posted by: Soona at January 01, 2014 09:06 AM (LUHDE)

61 59 Margarita DeVille at January 01, 2014 02:04 PM (dfYL9)

Nope every man should aspire to the Ezra Pound prototyping of the AoSHQ lifestyle....

as an aside he was photographed in the 50's wearing a Dallas Business Special style stetson which is the hat Raylan Givens is supposed to be wearing in justified.

Timothy Olyphant looks better in a more classic stetson so it has a slightly taller crown that the character wears.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:07 AM (TE35l)

62 Happy New Year!
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

Let's make it a good one in 2014 ..

Posted by: armadillo at January 01, 2014 09:07 AM (qQk+U)

63 Ace, even though it wasn't a comedic riff, I found your "I Remember Ten Minutes Ago!" post to be memorable.

Posted by: Soothsayer at January 01, 2014 09:08 AM (fb5Xr)

64 Suzanne Sena's inspirational essence Sounds sticky, oh yes it does.

Posted by: toby928© the creator of Blurt© and Gotcha!© at January 01, 2014 09:09 AM (QupBk)

65 58 -

Wow, thanks  for reminding me why I don't care  about the politics of dead English poets!

Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 09:10 AM (BeSEI)

66 46 26 - I'm not sure what that means, but I'm guessing it's a theme. I still don't know the answer to my question. I was under the impression Jack M was a separate person, a cob, although I haven't seen the name around here lately. This post reads like this is Ace's poem though, which would mean Jack M is simply a sock of Ace's. Without the b.s., I'd really just like to know if that's correct or not. Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 01:57 PM (BeSEI) ******** I thought Jack M. was his talking--sammich?

Posted by: Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 09:10 AM (RJMhd)

67 64 BurtTC at January 01, 2014 02:10 PM (BeSEI)

It's what I do....the thing is you may not care about the Avant Garde's politics but we're suffering from their politics caring about us Burt.

It takes a lot of effort to hide my data in words that creep up to the edge of ludicidity without ever taking that last step.

Happy New Year

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:12 AM (TE35l)

68 65 Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 02:10 PM (RJMhd)

You would be correct, if we had an AoSHQ "staff FAQ" team it'd be a hoot transcribing the various schticks we've had here over the years.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:14 AM (TE35l)

69 I can't believe I forgot this post when Ace was asking for submissions! It still makes my sides ache: http://minx.cc/?post=303289


Posted by: pookysgirl at January 01, 2014 09:15 AM (kMnHs)

70 Ezra's Pound was from Idaho And he was a Nazi propagandist during the war Got judged insane and was put into an psychiatric facility Many American writers, such as Faulkner and Strinbeck cried that he should have been left alone I just read a letter from Saul Bellow to Faulkner concerning this petition, telling him to fuck off

Posted by: TexasJew at January 01, 2014 09:15 AM (U+u4A)

71 67 65 Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 02:10 PM (RJMhd) You would be correct, if we had an AoSHQ "staff FAQ" team it'd be a hoot transcribing the various schticks we've had here over the years. Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 02:14 PM (TE35l) *********** So if Ace put down the ciggies and went straight for the pot--like someone suggested yesterday-- he would eat himself?

Posted by: Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 09:16 AM (RJMhd)

72 Although the albums you mention by The Beatles and Mr D are splendid the greatest double album is "Quadrophenia".

Posted by: union jack man at January 01, 2014 09:17 AM (3MNCs)

73 Ace really has to stop playing with his pork.

Posted by: Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 09:17 AM (RJMhd)

74 Jesus, that was almost as long as one of Ace's movie reviews. And Suzanne? She was also known as "Brooke Alvarez" on the Onion News Network.

Posted by: Ashley Judd's Puffy Scamper, aka MrCaniac, waiting on an apology on behalf of the KaBoom Kiddes at January 01, 2014 09:17 AM (BXLPR)

75 69 TexasJew at January 01, 2014 02:15 PM (U+u4A)

Yup the "avant garde" usually covers down for their own.

And he *was* their own.  The US Army did him a favor by declaring him "insane" b/c otherwise he would have been up on the treason charges we stuck on Tokyo Rose without the vaginal protection from doing the kicking chicken.  There's a lot of "the left" who have very dirty hands WRT fascism in the 30s.

TexasJew I miss seeing you around so much, figure you're good and busy.

A happy and productive New year.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:18 AM (TE35l)

76 70 Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 02:16 PM (RJMhd)

especially if he wore orange....

Nah my understanding was(though I was a lot more sparse then) that Jack M Coldcuts is a poster other than Ace who has moved on who was transcribing his sandwich's thoughts....

though I have to admit I slept a lot less back then.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:19 AM (TE35l)

77 For those lost, I'm pretty sure everything after the first paragraph is JackM and a repost of ONE of his epic poems. Ace just introduces it with that one sentence.

Posted by: CaveJohnson at January 01, 2014 09:21 AM (HHDd2)

78 Johnny Coldcuts was the  filthy talking sammich, not Jack M. 

Things I learned today: Ezra Pound was not English.

Things I'll forget before I lay my head down tonight:  everything about Ezra Pound except that he had a hat. 

Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 09:22 AM (BeSEI)

79 Thanks Sven Been busy but mostly just being a lazy bastard Got a touch of kidney cancer late last year and got fixed up Feeling really great now Happy New Year to all the morons!!

Posted by: TexasJew at January 01, 2014 09:22 AM (U+u4A)

80 Nah my understanding was(though I was a lot more sparse then) that Jack M Coldcuts is a poster other than Ace who has moved on who was transcribing his sandwich's thoughts.... though I have to admit I slept a lot less back then. Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 02:19 PM (TE35l) *********** Ya but the "vessel" stuff and this-- And now, for your voyeuristic pleasure, I present to you my masterpiece. How long did it take me to write it? A lifetime, my friends. A lifetime. UPDATE: They are trying to bury my masterpiece with lots of new posts, so I am bumping this one closer to the top. Humor me, or I'll publish Volume II. Reads like Ace--or Sunset Boulevard Unchained. Maybe Ace gave Mr. Sammich the keys....

Posted by: Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 09:23 AM (RJMhd)

81 Am I the only person who also remembers JackM's blogs? Along with Suzanne Senna, he also had a long running pursuit of Iceland and Dylan. His blog was great.

Posted by: Chilling the most at January 01, 2014 09:24 AM (gxtMZ)

82 41 So, I guess the Kaboom post is scheduled for Friday. Posted by: AmishDude at January 01, 2014 01:54 PM (xSegX) Dammit! The minute I come back from my boycott of the HQ because of the denigration of KaBoom cereal, it starts back up. If this continues to 12/30/14, I may have to start my boycott again. Oh yeah. I got to meet this gentleman, WW2 hero, and a man with brass balls that would make Neil Armstrong jealous. http://tinyurl.com/odys6ln

Posted by: Ashley Judd's Puffy Scamper, aka MrCaniac, waiting on an apology on behalf of the KaBoom Kiddes at January 01, 2014 09:24 AM (BXLPR)

83 76 -

That makes more sense.  Thanks for clearing it up. 

Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 09:25 AM (BeSEI)

84 77 Johnny Coldcuts was the filthy talking sammich, not Jack M. Things I learned today: Ezra Pound was not English. Things I'll forget before I lay my head down tonight: everything about Ezra Pound except that he had a hat. Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2014 02:22 PM (BeSEI) ************ Ya--but I'm starting to think Ezra Klein's parents... oh forget it.

Posted by: Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 09:25 AM (RJMhd)

85 the greatest double album is "Quadrophenia" 'Double Nickels on the Dime' by The Minutemen

Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2014 09:25 AM (57z1g)

86 34 Life's too short to read all that crap Posted by: TexasJew

Exactly what I was thinking....

Posted by: backhoe at January 01, 2014 09:25 AM (ULH4o)

87 77 BurtTC at January 01, 2014 02:22 PM (BeSEI)

You will likely never live a less rich life for not recalling anything about Ezra Pound but the funny hat and his hos.

I am not feigning superiority I wish I lacked my memory on this bullshit minutiae at times....

I never got my degree in history where it would have helped and all it grants me now is blind rage at watching the media lie about the past with aplomb by commission or omission.

78 TexasJew at January 01, 2014 02:22 PM (U+u4A)

I hadn't realized you had had a bout with the dreaded C TJ.

Thank God you made it through with hopefully aplomb.

I am glad to hear it, the world would be a sadder place without you in it.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:26 AM (TE35l)

88 80 Am I the only person who also remembers JackM's blogs? Along with Suzanne Senna, he also had a long running pursuit of Iceland and Dylan. His blog was great. Posted by: Chilling the most at January 01, 2014 02:24 PM (gxtMZ) ************ Ya-- I can't picure Ace being into Dylan-- seems more like an Ace Frehley fan...oh wait....

Posted by: Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 09:26 AM (RJMhd)

89 how long you gonna leave that sock on?

Posted by: Soothsayer at January 01, 2014 09:27 AM (fb5Xr)

90 80 Chilling the most at January 01, 2014 02:24 PM (gxtMZ)

I do in fact recall his blog.

I think Jack and I were the only members of the AoSHQ Bjork fan club at one point....

the only downside of this time of year is I miss a lot of morons who have moved on.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:28 AM (TE35l)

91 An impressive poem. The judge that signed the restraining order thought it was impressive too.

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at January 01, 2014 09:28 AM (oFCZn)

92 88 how long you gonna leave that sock on? Posted by: Soothsayer at January 01, 2014 02:27 PM (fb5Xr) ******* Till PA goes Republican?

Posted by: Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 09:29 AM (RJMhd)

93 That's awesome, but I still weep at the sheer beauty and genius of Elegy for a Chief Engineer, written at the passing of Mr. Scott.

Posted by: Sharkman at January 01, 2014 09:30 AM (GoEpX)

94 91 Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 02:29 PM (RJMhd)

You've either discovered the secret to immortality, or have joined me in having contingencies in place to post here for a period past death.

Hats off.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:30 AM (TE35l)

95 Alright, I'm not leaving because I'm bored to death.  I really do have to go shopping.  I mean, really.  I do.  I'm not bored.  Keep up the good work, horde.

Posted by: Soona at January 01, 2014 09:33 AM (LUHDE)

96 I walk past what was Ezra Pound's dorm room every day on the way to class. I think Nazi sympathies are rehabilitated these days, as long as your anti-Jew hatred outmassed your anti-Russian disdain.

Posted by: Little Miss Spellcheck at January 01, 2014 09:34 AM (a5ljo)

97 95 Little Miss Spellcheck at January 01, 2014 02:34 PM (a5ljo)

Pretty much, it is why I take the left's horseshit with a lot of salt.

I am an Anti-Semite(rather closeted by conession) because I guess I was slagging on Pajama Boy being a "Jew."

They revere people who fanboyed for Adolf fucking Hitler in the 30s because "hey everybody did it" or something....

I get lost.....but I guess that's their point to baffle you with bullshit.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:36 AM (TE35l)

98 for clarity's sake in case people new are readiong or for posterity...

I am "allegedly an anti-Semite" despite my reverence for Israel and my hatred for the Nazis and Communists who killed Jews by the bushel because in the end the left loves to hide behind the unassailable designated victim.

No proof just "Krupp is a Jew ergo you hate Jews"

reality is I hate effete smarmy smug Liberal Man Children not "Jews."

If you are not practicing the Jewish faith how is one a "Jew" anyway?

Never made sense to me.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:39 AM (TE35l)

99 I understand Mayor Bill DiBlasio is going to cure all of NYC's lesbians this year. Single handedly. Although I don't think hands are the critical component here.

Posted by: Little Miss Spellcheck at January 01, 2014 09:40 AM (a5ljo)

100 98 Little Miss Spellcheck at January 01, 2014 02:40 PM (a5ljo)

He has freed the Equine Slaves of Central Park, he is inspiring the Sapphic Savages back to Hetero-Normal life....

he is like a hybrid of Hugo Chavez and Damien Thorn

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:43 AM (TE35l)

101 Has the "Skank-A-Thon" thread made an appearance yet?  Did I miss it?

Posted by: Teresa in Fort Worth, TX at January 01, 2014 09:47 AM (PZ6/M)

102 Jake Tapper ‏@jaketapper 50m pretty clear from Mayor de Blasio's speech that his respect for his predecessor, shall we say, knows bounds.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 01, 2014 09:47 AM (DmNpO)

103 Â…Mary and Joseph. That's not a poem, it's a damn movie review.

Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at January 01, 2014 09:50 AM (JpFMR)

104 101 Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 01, 2014 02:47 PM (DmNpO)

and Nanny Bloomberg learns like Juan McQueeg that the newsies only love you while you help them punch right.

Hey Nanny you ain't needed no more.


Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:51 AM (TE35l)

105 Sven @ 61-
I wear a woven palm Business Stetson. Afraid I look more like LBJ that Raylan. But hey, LBJ killed more guys that Raylan has, amIright? I wear a black Chief's anchor on the front of my hat, or sometimes an antique Texas Ranger badge. I am a guttersnipe poet, no Ezra nor Ace.

Posted by: Erowmero at January 01, 2014 09:51 AM (OONaw)

106 Nah Teresa not yet. And Jack M. is on Twitter and still comments here occasionally. And is real.

Posted by: Mama AJ at January 01, 2014 09:52 AM (VtqNN)

107 Miss Spellcheck I assume you're at UPenn medical school now Congrats! My mom was a U Penn grad ( grad school)

Posted by: TexasJew at January 01, 2014 09:54 AM (U+u4A)

108 104 Erowmero at January 01, 2014 02:51 PM (OONaw)

Heh nice post.

LBJ killed more Americans and Vietnamese than Raylan has crooks in a single evening.

Raylan *has* killed more than Teddy Kennedy UNLESS you count Tedster's aid and comfort to communism in the 80s.

I like the Business Special style of hat, I used to wear a Stetson but I am not the svelte young Cav guy I once was....

I'll probably wear a Business style when wife gets out and we go home...

maybe with a 37th Ohio NG flash in honor of home...

"Lost Ohioan"

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 09:54 AM (TE35l)

109 Peyote is one hell of a drug.  Legend tells of a wild man who may still be wandering around in the desert after all of these years.

Posted by: Fritz at January 01, 2014 09:54 AM (TKFmG)

110 Yeah, JackM is a good dude and a good follow over on Twitter.

Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at January 01, 2014 09:54 AM (JpFMR)

111 De Blasio is going to make those idiot New York voters miss Dickhead Dinkins

Posted by: TexasJew at January 01, 2014 09:55 AM (U+u4A)

112 Posted by: Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 02:23 PM (RJMhd) Considering this post wasn't bumped, I get the feeling that was in the original as well.

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) No Really! at January 01, 2014 10:03 AM (GaqMa)

113 Huh, even the "I have counted the votes" was in the original: http://www.ace.mu.nu/archives/240705.php

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) No Really! at January 01, 2014 10:04 AM (GaqMa)

114 De Blasio is going to make those idiot New York voters miss Dickhead Dinkins I was going to say, after a year of de Blasio, we're going to be pining for the days of Bloomberg.

Posted by: OregonMuse at January 01, 2014 10:05 AM (fd0Pp)

115 You know who I miss? Johnny Cold Cuts, the talking sandwich.

Posted by: OregonMuse at January 01, 2014 10:06 AM (fd0Pp)

116 Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 02:39 PM (TE35l) Jew of convenience!

Posted by: Hrothgar at January 01, 2014 10:08 AM (o3MSL)

117 113 OregonMuse at January 01, 2014 03:05 PM (fd0Pp)

It pays to note that contra Tapper not one of DeStalino's critiques of Nanny centered on the fistting addicted proctologically invasive bent of Bloomberg's understanding of power.

You are correct people are going to pine for when they simply had Nanny B's hand UP their ass as opposed to DeStalino's fluttering finger technique.

The thing is you established with your vote several times you love coercive governance NYC so I do not want to hear a single peep from folks who are shocked, simply shocked at the Communist's overreach.

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 10:08 AM (TE35l)

118 Yes..... Johnny Cold Cuts, the smart ass sandwich.  I liked his work.  Happy New Year Morons/ettes. 

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at January 01, 2014 10:09 AM (jucos)

119 Put it in some funky dialect (I dunno, New Jersey?  Minnesota?  Alabama?) and, like Dante, or Beowulf, or Song of Roland, or El Cid, college students 'til the end of time will be forced to read it.  So anytime Suzanne speaks to a college crowd, they will be like minstrels singing out about your heroism.  You'll be there, always.

Posted by: Timothy Fountain at January 01, 2014 10:09 AM (XZNzU)

120 115 Hrothgar at January 01, 2014 03:08 PM (o3MSL)

Pretty much.  I wonder if my grandson will get "most protected minority" status for being a Christian?

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 10:09 AM (TE35l)

121 Bernier is keeping the Leafs in this thing.

Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2014 10:10 AM (57z1g)

122 Bernier is keeping the Leafs in this thing.

Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2014 03:10 PM (57z1g)

**********

I am loving this game.  I played hockey outside all the time when I was growing up in MN.  Brings back memories.

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at January 01, 2014 10:11 AM (jucos)

123 Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 03:09 PM (TE35l) Somehow, I doubt that even Christians in name only will ever be a protected minority!

Posted by: Hrothgar at January 01, 2014 10:12 AM (o3MSL)

124 117 Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at January 01, 2014 03:09 PM (jucos)

the inspiration for my Harlekwin 15 Soviet Sub Maker in part...

and if the next hour is any indication I will become Outback Sven's Steak Bites

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2014 10:15 AM (TE35l)

125 120 Bernier is keeping the Leafs in this thing. Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2014 03:10 PM (57z1g) ****** Well we know one thing--there isn't any booze in his bottle.

Posted by: Pennsylvania 2016 at January 01, 2014 10:18 AM (RJMhd)

126 Switching back and forth between Hockey and the WI/SC Football game.  I coached one of the Offensive Lineman on the Badgers when he played youth football.  I am old. 

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at January 01, 2014 10:20 AM (jucos)

127 JVR picks that right out of the air!

Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2014 10:21 AM (57z1g)

128 Picture of de Blasio on front of NY Slime. Son must not own a tie, but he's got him a Burberry scarf. ace and all the other NYC morons, we will be praying for you all.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2014 10:26 AM (0FSuD)

129 Should've had a picture of Suzanne with this post. Sigh.

Posted by: CDR M at January 01, 2014 10:27 AM (LsJl8)

130 I had to google a pic of the future Mrs. Jack M.  She's adorable! 

Posted by: Peaches at January 01, 2014 10:28 AM (8lmkt)

131 When people think of Suzanne, just think of the cheerleader in today's football post.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at January 01, 2014 10:29 AM (cubpP)

132 Oh, wait, there's a link up there to her own personal website.  Perhaps they can't post a picture here due to some quaint legal restrictions . . .

Posted by: Peaches at January 01, 2014 10:30 AM (8lmkt)

133 I had to google a pic of the future Mrs. Jack M. She's adorable! *** She's nothing but legs.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 01, 2014 10:30 AM (DmNpO)

134 Okay, read through it. Happy 2015 all!

Posted by: RWC at January 01, 2014 10:31 AM (Q6HBD)

135 Did Jack M. ever crawl out of his own navel?

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Don't Wait to the Last Minute to Purchase that Special Someone a Squabble Set! at January 01, 2014 10:31 AM (gmoEG)

136  Okay, read through it.

Happy 2015 all!

Posted by: RWC at January 01, 2014 03:31 PM (Q6HBD)

_________________

Wishful thinking.....

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at January 01, 2014 10:33 AM (jucos)

137
   I would consider it a tremendous favor, if when y'all refer to idiot New Yorkers you qualify that with the word City.

   Those of us who live Upstate--aka the real world--dislike being lumped in with the fools inhabiting NYC and their boroughs.

      Thanks in advance.

Posted by: irongrampa at January 01, 2014 10:33 AM (SAMxH)

138 Happy 2015 all! Damn, Ace forgot to put The Club on the Time Machine, again.

Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2014 10:34 AM (57z1g)

139 That's an hour of my life I'll never get back.

Posted by: Caunotacarius at January 01, 2014 10:36 AM (SHvfC)

140 118 Put it in some funky dialect (I dunno, New Jersey? Minnesota? Alabama?) and, like Dante, or Beowulf, or Song of Roland, or El Cid, college students 'til the end of time will be forced to read it. So anytime Suzanne speaks to a college crowd, they will be like minstrels singing out about your heroism. You'll be there, always.

Posted by: Timothy Fountain at January 01, 2014 03:09 PM (XZNzU)

Forgetting Dante for a second--which is at another level--let's be honest:  This is as good as Beowulf.  The difference between this and Beowulf is it's not a thousand years old and in Old English.

If you lost 90% of existing poetry in some sort of zombie apocalypse and students hundreds of years from now had to study early American poems, they'd study this.

Posted by: AD at January 01, 2014 10:37 AM (7cqZK)

141

italic fix

Posted by: AD at January 01, 2014 10:37 AM (7cqZK)

142 Saved from the Barrel of 2013 funk you were...

Jessica Nigri wishes everyone a happy New Year.
http://tinyurl.com/jw7wndm

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at January 01, 2014 10:39 AM (cubpP)

143 129 I had to google a pic of the future Mrs. Jack M. She's adorable!

Posted by: Peaches at January 01, 2014 03:28 PM (8lmkt)


Haven't seen Suzanne Sena anywhere in years.  I doubt that's a coincidence.

Posted by: AD at January 01, 2014 10:41 AM (7cqZK)

144

Well, its long, really long. Really, really long. But not as long as the feminist pap you stained the blog with yesterday. Kind of surprised you didn't work a movie review in.

I would say it reminds me of Homer's Illiad, but it doesn't. Cause the Illiad doesn't suck and isn't as long, or doesn't seem so....

Posted by: maddogg at January 01, 2014 10:42 AM (yc0vz)

145 Haven't seen Suzanne Sena anywhere in years. I doubt that's a coincidence. *** She;s been on The Onion News

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 01, 2014 10:44 AM (DmNpO)

146 Jessica Nigri wishes everyone a happy New Year.
http://tinyurl.com/jw7wndm

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at January 01, 2014 03:39 PM (cubpP)


Okay, another thing, since I'm sitting around at home and I'm bored:  Who the hell decided gobs of mascara and eyeliner on a woman is attractive?  I notice a lot of that lately.

Posted by: AD at January 01, 2014 10:47 AM (7cqZK)

147 She;s been on The Onion News

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 01, 2014 03:44 PM (DmNpO)


I heard that when she left.  I didn't realize she was still there.

From Fox News...If she wasn't offered a ton of money, which I'd be surprised to find out The Onion has, I'd love to know the backstory behind that.

Posted by: AD at January 01, 2014 10:51 AM (7cqZK)

148 Who the hell decided gobs of mascara and eyeliner on a woman is attractive?

The ones who don't know the difference between 'stage' makeup and 'natural' makeup?

*shrugs*

They make themselves look trashy, imo, when wearing so much of it.

Posted by: JeanQ at January 01, 2014 10:58 AM (82lr7)

149 eh. Never read Beowulf either.

Posted by: GGE of the Vacationing Horde at January 01, 2014 11:38 AM (yh0zB)

150 You will always suck, Jack M, because you never wrote an epic poem about me and Julie Banderas.

Posted by: Paulitics at January 01, 2014 11:39 AM (6r3Ct)

151 In spite of all my pleas.

Posted by: Paulitics at January 01, 2014 11:40 AM (6r3Ct)

152 Huh?

Posted by: Misanthropic Humanitarian at January 01, 2014 12:09 PM (HVff2)

153 There once was a girl from Nantucket Jack wanted to fuck it........ Ok I'm no poet

Posted by: Misanthropic Humanitarian at January 01, 2014 12:10 PM (HVff2)

154 146 She;s been on The Onion News Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 01, 2014 03:44 PM (DmNpO) I heard that when she left. I didn't realize she was still there. From Fox News...If she wasn't offered a ton of money, which I'd be surprised to find out The Onion has, I'd love to know the backstory behind that. Posted by: AD at January 01, 2014 03:51 PM (7cqZK) When she left Fox News, they seemed to be replacing the female newscasters in their 30's with ones in their 20's. I don't think she is at the ONN anymore since she was on their show on IFC that has now been cancelled. It was a great show. The sports one they had on Comedy Central had a teen boy who was going for the masturbation record for most in 24 hours, and one of the top 5 of all times was Joe Biden.

Posted by: Ashley Judd's Puffy Scamper, aka MrCaniac, waiting on an apology on behalf of the KaBoom Kiddes at January 01, 2014 12:37 PM (BXLPR)

155 Found some poetry; Came for snark. This wasn't hit Out of the park. Burma Shave

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars™ [/i] [/b] [/s] [/u] at January 01, 2014 01:09 PM (HsTG8)

156 Yes, but can you sing it ?

Posted by: I'd rather be surfin at January 01, 2014 04:15 PM (7t3iY)

157 #6 on the list of rom-com gestures that will get you slapped with a restraining order

Posted by: The Accidental American at January 01, 2014 06:54 PM (Ooxk/)

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