December 28, 2013

Ten Years of Nonsense: Donald Trump Grills the Democrats on Why They Lost the 2004 Election
— Ace

Originally published November 5th, 2004. This was just three days after the November 2nd, 2004 Bush victory over John Kerry, John Edwards, Michael Moore's "documentary" Farenheit 911, and of course Dan Rather's attempt to foist forged TANG documents on the public. SCENE: A corporate boardroom. Four nervous-looking candidates take their seats at a big table.

DONALD TRUMP enters, flanked by his two corporate lieutenants. He sits across from the candidates.

TRUMP: All right. I gave you all a task to perform. It was a difficult task, but you lost. You had to organize a political campaign, bring your message to the public, energize your base, win over independent voters, and then prevail in the most hotly-contested presidential campaign in fifty years. You lost. What went wrong?

JOHN KERRY: Well, as a Vietnam veteran, who served in Vietnam fighting with the Vietnamese against the North Vietnamese--

TRUMP: Hold on, before we get started, I should introduce my assistants. Carolyn you all know.

(Carolyn nods icily.)

TRUMP: Now George is away on business again, so this week he was replaced by... who did we get this week, Carolyn?

CAROLYN: Blackie Lawless, lead singer of W.A.S.P.

BLACKIE LAWLESS: 'ello, 'ello!!!

TRUMP: I gotta be honest, I have no idea who the hell you are.

BLACKIE: I was on the original Disciples of Darkness tour with Ronnie James Dio and Glen Danzig.

TRUMP: That really helps me not at all. Anyway, John. You lost. You were the project manager. Do you deserve to be fired?

KERRY: Absolutely not. As a Vietnam veteran, I know what it takes to make tough decisions. And also how to not make tough decisions, and how to avoid decisions while sounding tough. That is the lesson of Vietnam. As a young man I defended this country--

TRUMP: John.

KERRY: Hm?

TRUMP: I'm going to stop you there, John, before you go any further. The whole Vietnam thing. It's all you ever talk about. It was thirty years ago, John.

KERRY: It's seared-- seared -- into my memory.

TRUMP: John, at this point your Vietnam experience is seared into my memory. I have to tell you. It's just one bullet-point on your resume. A lot of men have been in Vietnam. I was in Vietnam. Tell him about my tour in Vietnam, Carolyn.

CAROLYN: Uhhh, I don't think you ever fought in Vietnam, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: Well I've seen movies. Tell him about the Vietnam movies I watch.

CAROLYN: Um, which one?

TRUMP: You know. The one I like. Where they're living in a house right on the Pacific Ocean, and they've got a speedboat and a bunch of cool cars, and they have this little nerdy friend who has a little robot pal he calls "Roboz."

CAROLYN: That's not a Vietnam movie. I think you mean the mid-eighties action series Riptide.

TRUMP: That's the one. It was a living hell. Thank God Nixon got us out of there when he did.
(adjusts tie; turns to another candidate)
You. You're quiet in all this. What do you have to say for yourself? Should you be fired for this loss?

MICHAEL MOORE: I don't think so.

TRUMP: Why not? What did you contribute to the team?

MOORE: I wrote, directed, and starred in the highest-grossing documentary of all time, a film that bravely exposed the corruption and incompetence of the Bush Administration. I won the Palm d'Or at Cannes, I swept the balloting at the Golden Globes, I won the--

TRUMP: Can I ask you a question?

MOORE: Yes.

TRUMP: While you were winning all these awards, did you ever think to yourself, hey, maybe I should shave once in a while? Maybe, you know, tuck my shirt in? Maybe I could afford to drop a couple dozen pounds? Appearances count in business, Mike.

MOORE: I dress as what I am. I'm a proud son of blue collar parents, a lifetime resident of Flint, Michigan--

TRUMP: Mike, you live in one of my buildings. You pay me rent every month. I know, because you're always trying to pay me in buffalo wings.

MOORE: But my primary residence--

TRUMP: Is a half mile away from my breathtaking Maya Largo estate in Palm Beach. We belong to the same country club. You practically live at the aromatherapy spa. So, you know, knock it off with the working class hero crap. And, quite frankly, working class doesn't mean obese and unkempt.
(unsure; turns to Carolyn)
It doesn't, does it?

CAROLYN: It's not required, no.

TRUMP: That's what I thought. Because I know I see a lot of working class women that are in pretty damn good shape. Not as beautiful as my beautiful fiance Maritza, of course. But still-- they put themselves together pretty nice. I'd take a run at them, I'll tell you that.

BLACKIE LAWLESS: I have a question for Mike, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: Shoot.

BLACKIE LAWLESS: ARE YOU -- READY -- TO -- ROOOOCKKKK?!!?

(Mike seems stunned and frightened)

TRUMP: Well, are you, Mike? Are you ready to rock?

MIKE: I, uh, don't know. I don't think so.

TRUMP: Does that answer your question, Blackie?

BLACKIE: I have nothing further.

TRUMP: And that's a key to success in business, Mike. If someone asks you if you are ready to rock, you have to be prepared without a moment's hesitation to say, "Yes sir, I am ready to rock. And rock hard." But you don't rock. You're a schlub, Mike. And that documentary you made, Mike? What was that all about? That turned people off, Mike.

MIKE: I won the New York Critic's Cirlce award for--

TRUMP: Mike, it was a bad documentary. Half of what you said wasn't true and the other half was just you walking around in your big-and-tall-man's jeans and annoying the crap out of people on the street. A good documentary presents a compelling factual narrative, moving people to take interest in a worthy cause. Like that documentary I like. What's that documentary I like, Carolyn?

CAROLYN: I'm afraid I need more information.

TRUMP: You know, the one where they live in a beach house in Malibu and solve crimes by driving around speedboats and clowning around with their little robotic chum.

CAROLYN: Ummm... do you mean Riptide again, Mr. Trump?

TRUMP: Riptide, that's it. Chilling stuff. Powerful. Moved me to actual tears.
(beat)
All right. Outstanding. Now we're really getting to the heart of this fiasco. Now, you. You over there. Who are you again?

JOHN EDWARDS: I'm Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: I can't have two Johns in the boardroom. It's too confusing. I'm just going to call you Tina. Now, Tina, where the hell were you when all of this was going on? I don't remember you doing anything to bring this task to a successful conclusion.

"TINA": I gave my media-approved "Two Americas" speech at many rallies, I --

TRUMP: Yeah, but what the hell did you actually do, Tina? Talking is one thing. But business is about doing.

"TINA": I, well, I did what I was asked to do. If I was underutilized, then that's the project manager's fault.

JOHN KERRY: I didn't underutilize you. In Vietnam I learned--

TRUMP: Save it, Sergeant Rock. I'm talking to Tina. Business is about being a self-starter, Tina, and going where the action is. But you just sat around and looked pretty. And I admit you are pretty. You're like a clean-cut Shaun Cassidy. Or like that one, the youngest brother of the Bee Gees, the one with the beautiful hair. You know the one, Carolyn.

CAROLYN: Andy Gibb.

TRUMP: No, not Andy Gibb. You know, the youngest brother of the Bee Gees, the good-looking one, the one who drove around a Corvette and helicopter and solved crimes as part of a beachfront detective agency.

CAROLYN (cocking head like a serpent): Uhhhh... you mean, um, Perry King, star of Riptide?

TRUMP: Exactly. Perry King. It's too bad he died so young. I think he had another Shadow Dancing in him. He will be missed.
(beat)
So, anyway, Tina. I like you. I think you're pretty. I'd love to take you to my beautiful mansion in the Hamptons some time and dress you up in Christian Dior originals. But I really don't think you added anything to this team.
(looks around the table)
And I guess that leaves you. Now you-- you really screwed up. Blackie tells me he was embarassed for you, and he's a fifty year old man wearing ass-less chaps.

DAN RATHER: Mr. Trump, I went above and beyond the call of duty to bring this project to a successful conclusion.

TRUMP: Right. You put those forgeries on the air. Kind of ended up hurting the cause, didn't it?

DAN RATHER: I did my best. I'm a Texas newsman, Mr. Trump, and I go to where the story is, no matter who might be angry about. Not the White House, not political partisans on the Internet--

TRUMP: Dan, I've gotta be honest. Those were some really bad forgeries. They were ridiculous.

RATHER: We put them through the most intense fact-checking possible--

TRUMP: Dan, one of them was scribbled on the front of a Taco Bell tray-liner. It said that George Bush was to be suspended for flying for failing to complete a required gordita. And it gave the name of his Air National Guard unit as "Extra Spicy." I've seen better work, Dan.

RATHER: I've had forty years in the business--

TRUMP: Do you think maybe you've had ten years too many, Dan? Be honest. It didn't take much to prove you were wrong. It just took those, what do you call them--

CAROLYN: Internet bloggers.

TRUMP: Right. It just took a bunch of unpaid, untrained internet bloggers to show that your documents were hoaxes. They just had to do a little bit of research, then drive around in Corvettes while sending their little robot friend out to collect clues and then they were back at the beachhouse drinking beer within an hour. Like on that show.

CAROLYN: Riptide.

TRUMP: No, that's not the one I'm thinking of. The one with Nell Carter. Gimme a Break. That's it. She had sass.
(beat)
Anyway, you embarrassed your team, Dan. You made your team look foolish in front of the public. And that's an unforgivable sin in business.

(thinks; then sums up)

TRUMP: So I don't know here. It's a tough call.

I've got one guy who thinks that Inna Gada Da Vida is still tracking on the Billboard charts.

I have another guy who apparently works in a donut shop and takes his work home with him.

I've got "Tina," who quite frankly I'd like to date after I divorce my lovely fiancée Maritza, which I think will probably be sometime next spring, but who contributes nothing except a dazzling smile and a killer set of gams.

And then I've got this sad old buffoon peddling cheap hoaxes on national television, making a complete jackass out of himself and an entire news organization.

(music rises, tensely)

TRUMP: But in the end I think there's only one decision possible.
(points quickly, but vaguely)
You're fired.

(silence)

JOHN KERRY: Ummm... who's fired? Which one?

TRUMP: All of you. You're all fired. You've all been incompetent, useless, vicious, dishonest or outright corrupt from start to finish. You're all fired, and I don't want to ever see any of you in public life again. You can leave now. Out.

(slowly and sadly, the stunned candidates exit the boardroom)

(Trump ponders his decision, then discusses it with his aides)

TRUMP: I think I did the right thing.

CAROLYN: You had to do it. It was an easy call.

BLACKIE LAWLESS: None of them are qualified to run one of your companies, Mr. Trump. Or a network news division. And certainly not the United States of America, the greatest country on the face of God's earth.

TRUMP: That's very well put, whoever the hell you are. And what do you think?

ROBOT BUDDY: It was the logical outcome. Keeping any of them would not have computed.

TRUMP: Thank you, Roboz. You know how much I depend on your counsel. Now, let's get back to the beach house and track down those counterfeiters.

CAROLYN: I'll prep the chopper.

TRUMP: You do that. Team, it's time to rip it.

(end scene as they all dash towards a speedboat)

Posted by: Ace at 10:00 AM | Comments (157)
Post contains 2102 words, total size 12 kb.

1
What the fuck?

Posted by: Andrew Dice Clay at December 28, 2013 10:01 AM (pJF+c)

2
In wit the boner!

Posted by: Andrew Dice Clay at December 28, 2013 10:02 AM (pJF+c)

3 I had to use my scroll finger at least six times. That's not right.

Posted by: lowandslow at December 28, 2013 10:02 AM (IV4od)

4 My fave was the CSI parody.

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 10:03 AM (b1O1M)

5 Now that's funny right there. I don't care who you are.

Posted by: whiskey tango at December 28, 2013 10:03 AM (xSuCq)

6 Every show should have a Robot Buddy!

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 10:04 AM (b1O1M)

7
"None of them are qualified to run one of your companies, Mr. Trump. Or a network news division. And certainly not the United States of America, the greatest country on the face of God's earth."

Ugh, this will hold true for the '16 election also! 


Posted by: Doctor Fish at December 28, 2013 10:06 AM (pJF+c)

8 " I'm just going to call you Tina."


Heh.

Posted by: Sphynx at December 28, 2013 10:06 AM (OZmbA)

9 Love the Blackie Lawless schtick. It's the funniest thing you ever did, Ace. ...and that's saying something.

Posted by: garrett at December 28, 2013 10:07 AM (0vTuh)

10 I think I'm going to kill myself.

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 28, 2013 10:10 AM (jucos)

11 I remember Riptide but not the title song.

Posted by: DaveA[/i][/b][/s] at December 28, 2013 10:15 AM (DL2i+)

12 I think I'm going to kill myself.

Hey, now, leave that to the professionals.

Posted by: IPAB at December 28, 2013 10:15 AM (JawqV)

13 You killed the thread instead. Work on your aim.

Posted by: fluffy at December 28, 2013 10:16 AM (Ua6T/)

14 This is the shit that makes this place a smart military blog.

Posted by: Mallamutt, at December 28, 2013 10:16 AM (OWjjx)

15 Riptide? I get on the Internet in the middle of winter and read about .....Riptide?

Posted by: Ribald Conservative riding Orca at December 28, 2013 10:17 AM (RFeQD)

16 This has to be my 'happy place' post on the site. So glad that it made the cut for the Ten Years of Nonsense.

Posted by: CaveJohnson at December 28, 2013 10:18 AM (DV/6+)

17 Do you know why Kerry calls his magic hat his "magic hat"? Because he took a crap in it. He shit himself.

Posted by: Ribald Conservative riding Orca at December 28, 2013 10:18 AM (RFeQD)

18 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzXlw9vNSUA

Now I'm sorry I looked.

How pathetic is it that HorseFace and the Breck Girl almost won, and worse still they'd be better than TFG.

Posted by: DaveA[/i][/b][/s] at December 28, 2013 10:18 AM (DL2i+)

19   Something equally devastating could be written of Romney-2012.

Posted by: Sockless Joe at December 28, 2013 10:21 AM (kQb6I)

20 10 years after? John Edwards is out of politics, in disgrace. John Kerry is the biggest Secretary of State fuck-up since Hillary Clinton..... and beyond. Michael Moore. Still a fat slob. Dan Rather is now on obscure cable channels. Donald Trump still has got big hair. And Ace....Ace has gone on to be one of the most beloved characters on the Internet. And that's a wrap.

Posted by: Ribald Conservative riding Orca at December 28, 2013 10:21 AM (RFeQD)

21  You killed the thread instead.

Work on your aim.

Posted by: fluffy at December 28, 2013 03:16 PM (Ua6T/)

________________

I always hit the seat...... always....

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 28, 2013 10:24 AM (jucos)

22 Oooh.  Magic Hat.  
I think I still have a bottle of Number 9.

Posted by: HeideRadieschen at December 28, 2013 10:24 AM (hO8IJ)

23 >>>I remember Riptide but not the title song.<<<

Love Machine - W.A.S.P.

Posted by: Fritz at December 28, 2013 10:26 AM (TKFmG)

24 I think the origins of "Freedom is overrated, but not overtly so" from Stuff Jefferson Said, Vol I deserves a mention.

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 10:28 AM (b1O1M)

25 L.O.V.E. MACHINE http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3fqQQGgB_g

Posted by: W.A.S.P. at December 28, 2013 10:30 AM (0vTuh)

26 (beat)

Posted by: rickl at December 28, 2013 10:31 AM (sdi6R)

27 >>>I think the origins of "Freedom is overrated, but not overtly so" from Stuff Jefferson Said, Vol I deserves a mention. i'm doing that one. it's a bit of a pain because it requires a lot of hunting in comments. but it's about half-done.

Posted by: ace at December 28, 2013 10:32 AM (/FnUH)

28 "Every show should have a robot buddy." Yep, ratings magic for BSG 1.0 and Buck Rogers.

Posted by: PabloD at December 28, 2013 10:32 AM (U2xU2)

29 Sorry, I meant (beat)

Posted by: rickl at December 28, 2013 10:32 AM (sdi6R)

30 Thank God we aren't expected to read all that. *right?*

Posted by: MereMetalHead at December 28, 2013 10:33 AM (1Y+hH)

31 There is a cartoon series of Fantastic 4 from 1978 that replaced Johnny Storm The Torch with H.E.R.B.I.E a smartass robot!

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 10:35 AM (b1O1M)

32 it's hard to believe Micheal Moore's sausageheart is still functioning.

Posted by: X at December 28, 2013 10:37 AM (KHo8t)

33 Ace. You're hired.

Posted by: The Don Auld Ang Syne at December 28, 2013 10:38 AM (1Y+hH)

34 Oh look its PajamaBoy's siblings -

http://www.ufunk.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/selection-du-weekend-68-38.jpg

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 10:38 AM (zb54T)

35 As I recall, HERBIE was added to the show after some kid tried to imitate the Human Torch by lighting himself on fire.

Posted by: PabloD at December 28, 2013 10:38 AM (U2xU2)

36 I believe 2014 will rid us of Carter and Soros.

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 10:38 AM (b1O1M)

37 Ok, this is the first time I've ever read that. Completely absurd and absolutely hysterical.

Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at December 28, 2013 10:39 AM (JpFMR)

38 HERBIE was there from the start. But I do believe you're right about the reason to nix The Torch.

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 10:40 AM (b1O1M)

39 Buck Rogers had a small robot and an AI that doubled as a disco necklace.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 10:40 AM (zb54T)

40

Good one, Ace!

 

It's demoralizing to think that Kerry is now our Sec. of State, representing us around the world.

Posted by: wheatie at December 28, 2013 10:41 AM (1ScqE)

41 But you're stuck with Moore for a long time.

Posted by: I See Dead People at December 28, 2013 10:41 AM (b1O1M)

42 I believe 2014 will rid us of Carter and Soros. Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 03:38 PM (b1O1M) You have 2 wooden spikes and a hammer?

Posted by: Nevergiveup at December 28, 2013 10:41 AM (nzKvP)

43 It's demoralizing to think that Kerry is now our Sec. of State, representing us around the world. Posted by: wheatie at December 28, 2013 03:41 PM (1ScqE) Kerry plans Israel trip amid violence: Fox News You can say that again

Posted by: Israel at December 28, 2013 10:42 AM (nzKvP)

44 And today is Nichelle Nichols' birthday.  Hailing frequencies are open.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 10:42 AM (zb54T)

45 SO

Posted by: Nevergiveup at December 28, 2013 10:43 AM (nzKvP)

46 Nevergivup  I came this close to snorting beer on my keyboard.  Luckily I had already guzzled it down before I read that. 

Posted by: PaleRider at December 28, 2013 10:44 AM (m+nIW)

47

Does an android count as a 'robot buddy'?

 

Because there was Data in STNG.

And now, there's that new show with Carl Urban and his android buddy...trying to remember the name of it...'Barely Human'?

Posted by: wheatie at December 28, 2013 10:44 AM (1ScqE)

48 Almost Human

Posted by: I See Dead People at December 28, 2013 10:46 AM (b1O1M)

49 Nevergiveup, remember "location! location! location!"

http://youtu.be/JWzzX4lLPnU

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 10:46 AM (zb54T)

50 My head still looks like a Penis.....Wiggi wiggi wiggi wiggi

Posted by: Twiki at December 28, 2013 10:46 AM (jucos)

51 Barely Human is the name of Kardashian's show.

Posted by: I See Dead People at December 28, 2013 10:46 AM (b1O1M)

52 I saw a couple sketches on MAD TV during 2004 that did a good job goofing on John Kerry. 

(stares at host of a reality show for a little too long) "Didn't I rape you in Vietnam?"


That was back when TV shows would take minor jabs at Democrats.  I miss those days.

Posted by: Shoot Me at December 28, 2013 10:46 AM (qiXMt)

53 I liked Riptide, but then I liked Simon and Simon.

Posted by: WalrusRex at December 28, 2013 10:50 AM (E+uky)

54 Hah! I had forgotten about this one. Too funny!

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at December 28, 2013 10:54 AM (dfYL9)

55 Does Seven of Nine count as a robot buddy? Because I'd choose her.

Posted by: garrett at December 28, 2013 10:55 AM (XFFA/)

56
You're not a moron unless you call plastic eating utensils silverware!

Posted by: Doctor Fish at December 28, 2013 10:55 AM (pJF+c)

57 This is one of the funniest pieces ace has ever posted to the blog.

Posted by: OregonMuse at December 28, 2013 10:56 AM (fd0Pp)

58 Serious question -- Was Trump a lefty back in 2004? This piece kinda implies that. I'm sure it would be funnier to me if I had ever seen that Trump show.
 
Making fun of Kerry -- Something to look forward to for the next 3 years at least, if he doesn't get us all killed first.
Tina -- Back to chasing ambulances, his first true love besides his mirror.
Moore -- It's like shooting whales in a barrel to make fun of him.
Rather- I'd rather not. As in, hear from him again.
Trump -- Clown nose perpetually on.

Posted by: GnuBreed at December 28, 2013 10:56 AM (cHZB7)

59 You're not a moron unless you call plastic eating utensils silverware! You can't eat Kaboom, properly, without a plastic spork.

Posted by: garrett at December 28, 2013 10:56 AM (XFFA/)

60 TRUMP: I can't have two Johns in the boardroom. It's too confusing. I'm just going to call you Tina Classic.

Posted by: OregonMuse at December 28, 2013 10:58 AM (fd0Pp)

61 Where the assless chaps meme was spawned .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at December 28, 2013 10:58 AM (XWw96)

62
You're not a moron unless you call a vag a cooter!

Posted by: Doctor Fish at December 28, 2013 10:59 AM (pJF+c)

63 So Cherry 2000 and Seven of Nine walk into a bar in Mos Eisely.

Bartender spies them at the entrance back-lit by the bright light of twin suns  revealing their curves.  Still he is not fooled and yells, "I don't serve your kind!"

So Cherry 2000 takes her top off while Seven of Nine looks confused.

Bartender pauses and then yells while pointing at Seven of Nine, "Okay you serve her!"

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 10:59 AM (zb54T)

64 Breaking news: Huckabee vendor Miss Lindsey.

Posted by: WalrusRex at December 28, 2013 11:00 AM (E+uky)

65 Disco?

It's Progressive House Trance you puerile ponce.

Posted by: Dr. Theopolis at December 28, 2013 11:00 AM (jMTuU)

66

58 Serious question -- Was Trump a lefty back in 2004?

 

Trump has always been a fiscal conservative, but he's a realist who's  made deals with both sides. 

Posted by: wheatie at December 28, 2013 11:02 AM (1ScqE)

67 Serious question -- Was Trump a lefty back in 2004? I don't think so. I think he was right-leaning, just like he is now. But he's a pompous, self-aggrandizing buffoon with a plus-sized ego, and that's what ace was goofing on.

Posted by: OregonMuse at December 28, 2013 11:02 AM (fd0Pp)

68 Looks like I struck a capacitor. Shocking I tell you.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 11:03 AM (zb54T)

69 Does Seven of Nine count as a robot buddy? - Help a brother out. Why is she named Seven of Nine? Seven of Nine what?

Posted by: WalrusRex at December 28, 2013 11:03 AM (E+uky)

70 How pathetic is it that HorseFace and the Breck Girl almost won, and worse still they'd be better than TFG. Posted by: DaveA ----------------- Kind of casts doubt on the concept that mankind is nature's crowning achievement, no?

Posted by: Bob at NSA at December 28, 2013 11:03 AM (aDwsi)

71 I got the best Christmas card in 2004 from the RNC, it was a parody of Kerry, etc. My mother threw it away. I wish I had put it away, back then then the RNC had a sense of humor! There was a blog and I have to think it was on GOP website with how ready they were to counter anything that Kerry came up with. When whatever it was that happened and someone commented that Kerry looked French, they had a picture of him in a beret & published it. I’m sure I had site saved on computer I had then but the computer was only three years old, if that and died. I lost everything on it. I had a Weekly Standard subscription then and still do because they have excellent website. I hardly ever read the magazine. The only other site I could think of that may have it all the background info on the election was there. Does anyone else remember this?

Posted by: Carol at December 28, 2013 11:03 AM (z4WKX)

72 First the redux of the Filthy Scandis thread, and now this. AoSHQ as a humorous feel-good blog. Who knew?

Posted by: Bob at NSA at December 28, 2013 11:05 AM (aDwsi)

73 Breaking news: Huckabee vendor Miss Lindsey. - Screwed by auto correct. Again. Vendor = endorses.

Posted by: WalrusRex at December 28, 2013 11:06 AM (E+uky)

74

"Are you damaged?"

 

- - My favorite Seven of Nine line.

Posted by: wheatie at December 28, 2013 11:06 AM (1ScqE)

75 Lord, it was a Apprentice episode, facepalm,

Posted by: jeffrey pelt at December 28, 2013 11:06 AM (Jsiw/)

76 Help a brother out. Why is she named Seven of Nine? Seven of Nine what? She was part of a Numbered Limited Edition set?

Posted by: garrett at December 28, 2013 11:08 AM (XFFA/)

77 she was the 7th borg out of nine in her group

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 11:08 AM (b1O1M)

78 Finally they gray boxes are back on my computer screen. They disappeared during the week. They may have been back last night but I honestly do not remember. I read few comments & posted one & a second one on the ONT and fell asleep reading it. I got sick two weeks ago & was feeling better after Monday I am either still sick or sick again. I had a flu shot on December 3.

Posted by: Carol at December 28, 2013 11:08 AM (z4WKX)

79

69...Why is she named Seven of Nine? Seven of Nine what?

 

It was her official Borg designation.

"Tertiary Adjunct Seven of Nine (somethings)" ...if memory serves.

Posted by: wheatie at December 28, 2013 11:09 AM (1ScqE)

80 WalrusRex, glad you clarified that.  Had this image of one of those vending machines with the Lindsay logo on the sides.  With the usual clear window of plastic in front.  And it is filled with nothing but Huckabee dolls in there.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 11:09 AM (zb54T)

81 Heh. While out for lunch, a semi in front of me lost its trailer. Only going about 10 mph at the time. Still..., it was interesting.

Posted by: Bob at NSA at December 28, 2013 11:09 AM (aDwsi)

82 Just finished reading the entire post. I don't remember this one from back when, but I LMAO reading it this time.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 28, 2013 11:10 AM (DmNpO)

83 sock fail...

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 11:10 AM (aDwsi)

84 sounds like the 5th wheel didnt lock

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 11:11 AM (b1O1M)

85 She was part of a Numbered Limited Edition set?

Who isn't?

Posted by: HeideRadieschen at December 28, 2013 11:11 AM (hO8IJ)

86 lest we forget, it was 7's fault we have to suffer obama today

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 11:12 AM (b1O1M)

87 sooth - Apparently. I stayed behind the thing with my flashers on while the guy re-hitched. He had a tough time. Something funny going on there. Took him about 20 minutes, and he really slammed the tractor into it a bunch of times.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 11:13 AM (aDwsi)

88 It was not Jerri's fault.  It was the Chicago Machine stealing sealed court documents to destroy a candidate.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 11:13 AM (zb54T)

89 lest we forget, it was 7's fault we have to suffer obama today

No it wasn't.
She asked for all the horrible details to be sealed, so her kids wouldn't have to read them in the paper.

SCOAMF's operatives leaked them.

Posted by: HeideRadieschen at December 28, 2013 11:14 AM (hO8IJ)

90 Every show should have a Robot Buddy! Church that.

Posted by: toby928 insists on talking about robots at December 28, 2013 11:14 AM (QupBk)

91 67---"...a pompous, self-aggrandizing buffoon with a plus-sized ego, and that's what ace was goofing on. " Posted by: OregonMuse at December 28, 2013 04:02 PM (fd0Pp) ---------------------------- Yeah, that's what lifts this way above mere partisan snark into true comedy. The voice of sanity here is himself laughable. Even the average (non-fanatical) Democrat could get a chuckle out of this.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at December 28, 2013 11:16 AM (dfYL9)

92 If you can't scrounge up Data or Seven of Nine, there is always Lal.  But her OS is as buggy as Windows ME.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 11:16 AM (zb54T)

93 sounds like the 5th wheel didnt lock

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 04:11 PM (b1O1M)

___________________

That would cause it.  Did the Landing Gear break off the trailer?

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 28, 2013 11:16 AM (jucos)

94 That was beautiful.  Sniff.

Posted by: Sharkman at December 28, 2013 11:17 AM (GoEpX)

95 Even the average (non-fanatical) Democrat could get a chuckle out of this. Posted by: Margarita --------------- Uh, no. The response would be a fevered "Palin! Palin!"

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 11:17 AM (aDwsi)

96 All this talk of robot buddies has to make Ace's toaster a bit nervous.

Posted by: garrett at December 28, 2013 11:19 AM (XFFA/)

97

 Let's Fuck Up The Country And Call It 'Reform'.

-- A skit I would love to see.

 

The Scene:

Those closed door meetings that the Dems had on figuring out what to put into the ObamaCare Bill.

 

 

Posted by: wheatie at December 28, 2013 11:19 AM (1ScqE)

98 Truck - Landing gear held up. Pretty low speed, and I have no idea whether the trailer was loaded. It was a (big) moving van, so might have been empty.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 11:19 AM (aDwsi)

99 >>> The response would be a fevered "Palin! Palin!" Hodor!

Posted by: fluffy (D) at December 28, 2013 11:19 AM (Ua6T/)

100

Bob Dole likes this funny post about past Presidential losers.  Bob Dole just happened to lose to another bad democrat President, Bill Clinton.  Bob Dole should have won that one.  It was Bob Doles turn.  I still can't believe Bob Dole lost.  I can't believe Bob Dole is still alive.

Posted by: Bob Dole at December 28, 2013 11:20 AM (jucos)

101
And where are they now?

Oh hell. We're boned.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 28, 2013 11:21 AM (MaP11)

102 2016 - Fdwards is tanned, rested, and ready. Hell..., it worked for Marion Barry

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 11:22 AM (aDwsi)

103 #55

Just don't marry her if you plan to ever run for elected office.

Posted by: Epobirs at December 28, 2013 11:22 AM (bPxS6)

104  2016 - Fdwards is tanned, rested, and ready. Hell..., it worked for Marion Barry

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 04:22 PM (aDwsi)

*****

RAYYYYCISTTTTTT!!!!!!!

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 28, 2013 11:23 AM (jucos)

105 'Fdwards'?

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 11:23 AM (aDwsi)

106 Truck - OK, it's going to take me while to work that out. I mean, obviously you are right, otherwise you wouldn't say it..., but I'm one of the chronically insensitive, or something.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 11:25 AM (aDwsi)

107 Bob Dole's Wedding Tackle still works..... and Bob Dole is 90!  LIDDY!!!! 

Posted by: Bob Dole at December 28, 2013 11:25 AM (jucos)

108 'Fdwards'? It is pronounced "Tee-nuh"

Posted by: fluffy at December 28, 2013 11:26 AM (Ua6T/)

109 A gray, gloomy, cold, day. I sense a nap coming on.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 11:26 AM (aDwsi)

110 What did I just read?

Posted by: wodun at December 28, 2013 11:26 AM (fbqZE)

111 To think Ace can post something this good on a dead weekend.  No wonder I keep coming back lured by the prospect of a really good belly laugh!

Posted by: Hrothgar at December 28, 2013 11:26 AM (o3MSL)

112
I'm tested, armed, and ready to assume command of my second presidency.  The first time I was encumbered with a serial philanderer, but now is the time for me to show my strength as Commander in Chief.  I'm hot, electable, and and popular with most of America, with the exception of right wing nutjobs. 

Posted by: Sir Edmund the Scrunt at December 28, 2013 11:28 AM (pJF+c)

113 'Fdwards'? It is pronounced "Tee-nuh" Posted by: fluffy ---------------- Ah! So, it's a British name, right? Which reminds me, I was speaking to my pharmacist, who is a South African refugee, and it occurred to me that he is now an African American.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 11:28 AM (aDwsi)

114 I know several African Americans, and they are whiter than marshmellows in a snowstorm. 

Posted by: Bob Dole at December 28, 2013 11:30 AM (jucos)

115 Really, I have to say Jack Ryan blew his own foot off. The Obama campaign merely showed everyone the stump. Here's some useful advice for future politicians of either party: if you're married to a smokin' hot actress, be content to be banging a smokin' hot actress at home. Don't take her out to swinger clubs. Even if she's into it, there might be someone with a camera phone. Just don't do that shit if you're in politics.

Posted by: Trimegistus at December 28, 2013 11:30 AM (BnNfW)

116 #69

It's a Borg thing. She doesn't have a name. Just a designation. Seven of Nine is the first part of her ID code, indication her as drone #7 of nine assigned to something or other. Presumably the entire string identifies everything up to the cube spaceship she's in and maybe even the group that cube belongs to. Who knows but the writer who originally came up with it may have had other info in there, like origin species and stuff like that for maintenance. Maybe part of the string mentions Sector 2814, if you want to get really geeky.

Posted by: Epobirs at December 28, 2013 11:30 AM (bPxS6)

117 Well, that's settled. NYT says no al Queda involvement in Benghazi and it was largely caused by YouTube video. The narrative has survived!

Posted by: WalrusRex at December 28, 2013 11:31 AM (E+uky)

118 It still tickles me that Kerry had the unmitigated chutzpah to use his tour in Vietnam as the foundation of his qualifications to be President.

(Although in retrospect compared to what we have now, he would've been better. Not much but some.)

You really had to have been there at the time when Kerry was ponderously, pompously testifying to the Senate about his service in Vietnam and then compare his apparent change of heart to what it all meant now that it might mean he could get to be President to fully grasp the intense feeling that he would do ANYTHING, any. thing. to be President. (and probably did do just about anything over his years as Senator which most should be able to conclude was merely a run up to his candidacy.)

He is such a despicable person that it is a commentary on how low we have fallen as a nation that he now represents us to foreign lands. Some hostile enemies who KNOW his history and what his being there really means to our friends.

We are without honor. Just like him.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at December 28, 2013 11:32 AM (LSDdO)

119 Charlize Theron is from South Africa, isn't she?

Posted by: wheatie at December 28, 2013 11:32 AM (1ScqE)

120 #115

There is zero evidence that any of that stuff really happened. People say pretty outrageous stuff in divorce court. Jeri Ryan almost certainly committed perjury but this is rarely prosecuted in divorce cases.

Posted by: Epobirs at December 28, 2013 11:33 AM (bPxS6)

121 and she kept the name Ryan?

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 11:36 AM (b1O1M)

122 Charlize Theron is from South Africa, isn't she? *** yep

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 28, 2013 11:36 AM (DmNpO)

123 My father's name was Hymie.

Posted by: Hymie at December 28, 2013 11:36 AM (4vQmk)

124 Does anyone know if Kerry threw his VN Band Aids over the fence?

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 28, 2013 11:36 AM (aDwsi)

125 There is zero evidence that any of that stuff really happened. Don't bother to google the vid is what you are saying?

Posted by: garrett at December 28, 2013 11:37 AM (XFFA/)

126 SAD BUT TRUE by Metallica is on the radio is on. Now I want to kill something. Or shit myself. One or the other.

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 11:39 AM (b1O1M)

127 I used to like Riptide.Remember Adventures of the Golden Monkey?They tried to cash in on Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Posted by: steevy at December 28, 2013 11:39 AM (zqvg6)

128 127 Sorry,Tales of the Golden Monkey.

Posted by: steevy at December 28, 2013 11:40 AM (zqvg6)

129 115 Really, I have to say Jack Ryan blew his own foot off. The Obama campaign merely showed everyone the stump.

Here's some useful advice for future politicians of either party: if you're married to a smokin' hot actress, be content to be banging a smokin' hot actress at home. Don't take her out to swinger clubs. Even if she's into it, there might be someone with a camera phone. Just don't do that shit if you're in politics. Posted by: Trimegistus


Yep. I never watched the show or drooled over her- but when the news came out my first thought was "what ails you, fool? You have a pretty wife and you need that junk? Jeebus in a sidecar. You are not a proper man....

Posted by: backhoe at December 28, 2013 11:41 AM (ULH4o)

130 One terrible anachronism in that show,it was set in 1938 and the star was an ex Flying Tiger.

Posted by: steevy at December 28, 2013 11:42 AM (zqvg6)

131 My father's name was Hymie. Posted by: Hymie at December 28, 2013 04:36 PM (4vQmk) Hey I think I knew your father?

Posted by: Jessie Jackson at December 28, 2013 11:42 AM (nzKvP)

132 #125

What vid, pray tell? If there was recorded evidence of any of this stuff it would have been worth millions for whoever had it, completely aside from the political angle.

Posted by: Epobirs at December 28, 2013 11:43 AM (bPxS6)

133 Funny shit, very funny shit

Posted by: Misanthropic Humanitarian at December 28, 2013 11:43 AM (HVff2)

134 Tales of the Gold Monkey
http://youtu.be/Qe_zbyn1hQE

Looks like Capt. Decker survived merging with Ilia and V'GER.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 11:43 AM (zb54T)

135 Bill Clinton to swear in Bill de Blasio: 'Chirlane and I couldn't be more excited,' says mayor-elect The Clintons were staunch de Blasio supporters in the general election. And former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton hired de Blasio as her campaign manager during her 2000 Senate campaign. Fine dandy great, but it makes me sick to my stomach

Posted by: Nevergiveup at December 28, 2013 11:45 AM (nzKvP)

136 Tales Of The Gold Monkey starring Stephen Collins, who was also in the first Star Trek movie as the captain, I believe.

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 11:46 AM (b1O1M)

137 Tales of the Gold Monkey woulda been better if they replaced the dog with the eyepatch with a robot...with an eyepatch.

Posted by: soothsayer at December 28, 2013 11:47 AM (b1O1M)

138 "69 Does Seven of Nine count as a robot buddy? - Help a brother out. Why is she named Seven of Nine? Seven of Nine what? Posted by: WalrusRex at December 28, 2013 04:03 PM (E+uky)" The Borg were collectivists. Seven of Nine would have been the seventh member of a nine-member Borg collective, itself connected to and integrated into the greater Borg collective. You're welcome. :-P Later.

Posted by: Mirror-Universe Mitt Romney at December 28, 2013 11:47 AM (VYM4n)

139 Harlan Ellison described Stephen Collins as only having two expressions: intense and more intense.

Posted by: Epobirs at December 28, 2013 11:48 AM (bPxS6)

140

OT, but at Tim Blair's blog, a commentator said that the pitcher (actually, I think they're called bowlers in cricket) who nailed Piers Morgan is known for his conservative views. That made me so happy I had to watch the vid again.

 

Imagine the joy felt by a conservative who got to throw 80 mph + balls at Piers Morgan.

Posted by: Donna V. at December 28, 2013 11:54 AM (R3gO3)

141 You are fired! -- food vendor, reading his just-delivered termination notice to Korben Dallas

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars [/i] [/b] [/s] at December 28, 2013 11:55 AM (HsTG8)

142 New car thread

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 28, 2013 11:57 AM (zb54T)

143 119 Charlize Theron is from South Africa, isn't she? Posted by: wheatie at December 28, 2013 04:32 PM (1ScqE) So is Elon Musk, who is almost singlehandedly revitalizing American spaceflight.* *I didn't say "space program" because that is a government-centered concept. We need a private "space industry", not a government "space program".

Posted by: rickl at December 28, 2013 12:02 PM (sdi6R)

144 Is that anything like new car smell?

Posted by: Epobirs at December 28, 2013 12:02 PM (bPxS6)

145 127 I used to like Riptide.Remember Adventures of the Golden Monkey?They tried to cash in on Raiders of the Lost Ark. Posted by: steevy at December 28, 2013 04:39 PM (zqvg6) No, but I seem to recall that the proposed treatment "Spank", the Golden Monkey served as an invaluable source of ideas for Goldmember.

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars [/i] [/b] [/s] at December 28, 2013 12:02 PM (HsTG8)

146 This would be funnier if you couldn't just replace the names with Romney, Ryan and Rove.

Posted by: Dick "I'm a Dick" Durbin at December 28, 2013 12:26 PM (9ng2u)

147 WalrusRex I have cut back on my morning coffee cause I see the "Huckabee says Lindsey Graham is the new Reagan" ad during Fox and Friends in the morning here in SC and it just pisses me off

Posted by: Tmitss at December 28, 2013 12:30 PM (aVsJj)

148 Who stomped the Jeep thread into divided by zero land? O_o

Posted by: sithkhan at December 28, 2013 12:33 PM (a2ykg)

149 Ah memories of Breck girl and those vids of him fluffing his hair for 20 minutes. Those early days when "Tina" appeared merely ridiculous, and not a self-centered SOB who betrayed his loyal wife dying of cancer; not to mention his campaign supporters. Surrealistic interviews where Kerry attempted to explain the dscrepancies between his "seared" combat memories of being shot in the butt, in contrast to those of his military peers. It was painful to observe in a rather pleasant way. Finally, Humpty Dumpty, who believed the fantasy that his political reach had attained a godlike power; which made his accusations beyond question. A living embodiment of the old saw, " pride cometh before a fall" - sigh.. good times, good times...and considering the current pattern of blind arrogance leading to nasty scandals and broken pedastals, a pattern old as history; appears to kickstarted a full pendalum swing. I remember the Rather controversy as the moment that empowered the political blogs. I was still engaged in live online political debate back then. But that medium was in the process of disintergrating due to out-of-control spamming, and in 04 blogs took over serious online political debate. You were among the first blogs I began to read. Well done warrior.

Posted by: I'd rather be surfin at December 28, 2013 12:33 PM (35iAt)

150 Where did the car post go??? Ace must be a fan of the new Grand Cherokee.

Posted by: itchytriggerfinger at December 28, 2013 12:34 PM (XwN3V)

151 I woulda voted for Ryan anyway, I mean at that point, what does it really matter, anyway, but noooo, the R party cut him and brought in this really electable carpetbagger whose name I am still unable to recall because of the hideous trauma of watching defeat snatched from .... well, you know.

Posted by: sock_rat_eez at December 28, 2013 12:55 PM (SwHqo)

152 The best Ace stuff is short form, it's a blog version of the trailer clip with Kung Fuhrer and machine gunner Brunhilde. I want the fast jabbing one-liner laugh. The content is almost always exceedingly inappropriate by anyone's standards, and it's usually creepy (but not always.) The Kaboom stuff is a bit too manic for me.

LauraW gets away with it as well.



Posted by: 13times at December 28, 2013 12:56 PM (fGPLK)

153 The Human Torch being replaced because a child tried to imitate him is a myth.  Torch was simply licensed to another company at the time.

HERBIE was a stand-in, and actually was part of the comics in the 80's under John Byrne (arguably one of the best runs the FF ever had).

For animated adventures of the original FF, there was a 1967 Hanna Barbara series that was really nice, although I do not think it is commercially available.

Yes, I am a comics nerd.

Posted by: acethepug at December 28, 2013 01:45 PM (Zho+Y)

154 What a trip - Chris Holmes was our next door neighbor in La Canada in the 70's! I remember him, Sandy, Took & Kim. I house sat once and killed their goldfish - I still feel bad about that!

Chris modified a ski into a skateboard, wiped out & had water on the knee. He also had hair down to his ass and I had *such* a crush on him! He's only 3 years older than me.

Beyond his height, his walk gave him away - he kinda popped with every step.

Endless "Smoke on the Water" coming from his garage, guys always coming and going - I *think* I met Eddie Van Halen then? I do remember seeing flyers for Van Halen gigs back then.

Posted by: Amy Shulkusky at December 28, 2013 11:55 PM (3ONFH)

155 Er, I meant I remember Chris, his sister Kim, his mom Sandy & Sandy's guy Took.

Posted by: Amy Shulkusky at December 29, 2013 03:08 AM (3ONFH)

156 Never watched Trump, I mute/change the channel if he is on bloviating, but I still thought this was/is genius! Well done ACE, as usual!

Posted by: Amy Shulkusky at December 29, 2013 03:09 AM (3ONFH)

157 I loved the make up hit piece Dan Rather did on the city of Pittsburgh after their  win of the 1971 World Series.  I don't know what his problem with Pittsburgh is, but it sure stuck in his crawl.

Posted by: burt at December 29, 2013 03:42 AM (1+kJ5)

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