December 30, 2013

Ten Years of Nonsense: Ace's Generic Walk-Thru For Every Video Game You've Ever Played
— Ace

Originally Published December 07, 2004. First Part of Level

You start in a small room. Outside the door are two guards, talking with each other. It's best if you completely ignore them, because they're voiced by horrible actors and their script is shit, written by game designers who think they're "funny." Usually it's something like "Yeah, I've been meaning to check out that new T-88 Cloudhopper." Your gaming experience will be enhanced if you just immediately walk out the door and shoot them in their stupid fucking faces.

They will offer no resistance.

At this point you have to decide if you're going to use a stealth strategy or a run-and-gun strategy. The run-and-gun strategy is a lot more dangerous, but also a lot more exciting. You can move through the level more quickly, but only if you're willing to die a bunch of times.

The stealth strategy, on the other hand, is a much more cautious, tempered approach, taking account of your enemies' awareness levels and using your ears to listen for footsteps and opening doors. Using a stealth strategy is probably the safest way to beat the level, but it will take you several hours to accomplish this.

Which strategy should you employ? Well, let me ask you this: Are you a total fucking faggit or what? Pick up your fucking gun and start shooting, asshole. This isn't Chutes and Fucking Ladders.

All right, that's settled. So you've shot the first two guards, who didn't even know you were there, so enthralled were they in gossip about intrigue in the Dark Mage's court. Now turn to your left and there's a supply closet. Climb up to the top shelf and break open a box.

Congratulations-- you just got a box of the kind of shitty ammo you never fucking use and which you end every level maxed out with about 1000 of every fucking time you play. But you're gonna take it anyway, aren't you? Every time you're going to climb up that shelf to get that useless fucking shitball ammo, aren't you? Because you're a greedy idiot, and you just can't fucking help yourself.

Good. You got your little prize. Now exit the supply closet and look north. You will see there an Imperial Shuttle/train/helicopter/enchanted castle. Walk towards it.

At some point a bunch of guards will pop out from behind a bunch of cargo boxes. What were they doing there? Shooting craps. Who the fuck knows. They will now shoot at you with bullets and/or "ectoplasm bolts." The best way to handle them is to run around like a fucking maniac with your finger stuck firmly down on "Fire" until every last one of them is dead.

Then loot their bodies. Because, you know, that's a big part of every adventure movie or book you've ever enjoyed, right? Looting the bodies is an important part of the action-hero fantasy, right?

If I had a nickel for every time Indiana Jones killed a Nazi and then rifled through his pockets, I'd be a rich fucking man. I mean, every time Han Solo caps a Stormtrooper, he immediately yells to Chewbacca, "Hey, give me a hand, you big ball of fur! There's a bunch of dead guys here just completely weighed down with free shit!"

So, yes, by all means, loot the bodies, because that's really the sort of action-adventure experience we're all looking for. Congratulations-- you just molested a corpse and earned ten fucking bullets for your troubles. Big fucking hero, you.

One of them will have a silver key. Doesn't matter if it's Star Wars or Final Fantasy or Metal Gear Solid. One of them's got a silver fucking key, and you're going to need it later.

The Boring Crap That Happens After the First Part of the Level

Keep walking to that big fucking thing in the middle of the horizon. It's obviously where you want to be.

But guess what? When you get there the door is locked or it takes off or whatever. It was all a big fucking tease, like taking your first cousin Jodie to your junior prom. Take it from me: You might think it would be easier to score on your cousin -- hey, you're practically family, right? -- but, counterintuitively enough, it's a real bitch and a half. Just getting to second base will entail years of putting up with crying jags and so-called "temporary restraining orders."

Anyway.

So now look around for another door or a little pyramid or something else. This would probably be a good time to take out your silver key. Go in someplace and start shooting.

Keep shooting until you've killed everyone in the labyrinth/bunker/moathouse. Break boxes, flip switches, loot bodies.

Pick up the Golden Key.

The Big Cut-Scene Where Dumb Shit Gets Explained to You

Unfortunately, this is the part where you have to talk, damn it all, to some asshole wearing a fez.

And he will be wearing a fez. They all do. It doesn't matter if you're in the future or the past or the present or some alternate world with hedgehogs and talking flowers-- all the people who "know shit" wear fezzes, and speak in Arabic (or vaguely Arabic) accents. It's like a law or something.

You'll have an opportunity to pose pre-arranged questions to "find stuff out" from your fez-wearing contact. It's probably just best to randomly push buttons and ignore every single fucking thing this asshole says.

What, after all, is he going to tell you? To shoot people? To loot bodies? To flip fucking switches like a fucking retard? Seriously-- what important plot information could he possibly convey? If you miss his schpiel about it being "most imperatively necessary to destroy the enemy's prototype super-copter," do you really think you're going to have any questions about what to do when a big black chopper starts shooting fireballs at you?

You should attempt to kill this asshole, but the game either 1) won't let you attack or 2) will just have the guy in the fez say "Please stop doing that; we haven't the time for that now" when you slice him right across the throat with your broadsword.

Because, unfortunately, you're probably going to have to talk to this douchebag again later.

The Part With The Conveyer Belt and Acid Pit

The Guy in the Fez probably warned you about this, but you weren't listenting, but it doesn't matter anyway, because it's not as if this is some kind of surprise to you. I mean, were you really thinking that this would be the only fucking game ever made that doesn't have a fucking conveyer belt going over an acid pit?

There are two ways to get past this obstacle. The first involves using perfect timing, the jump button, and the patience to keep reloading the same bullshit level.

The second involves entering the cheat "GODMODE" and just walking through the acid. Like a man.

Again, has anyone ever fantasized about these stupid conveyer-belt jumping puzzles? Did anyone ever say, as a child, "I want to jump around like a fucking jackass all the doo-dah day"?

I sure as shit didn't. It's just not anything I want to be a part of, and I refuse to play ball.

Oooh! The Easter Egg Part!!!

You've probably heard about this on-line or from that geek cousin of yours who's been studying to take the Postal Service exam for going on nine straight years now and who smells vaguely of bad sausage.

At some point in this level is a big, fun Easter Egg. Like, if you jump a certain way and look out a window, you can see Link the Elf outside. Or if you go to a computer monitor and hit a certain code, you can actually play Super Smash Brothers on the Death Star's computer.

You're probably eager to try this out. To which I ask, what the fucking fuck is wrong with you? Do you have absolutely no life whatsoever?

Have you sunk that fucking low that you're going to get all excited about seeing a goddamn fairy or playing a stupid fucking Donkey Kong sequel in the middle of playing a stupid Star Wars game?

Don't be that guy; you're better than that. Have some fucking pride and walk right on by the Easter Egg and kill the creature with the funny horns on its head who spits lightning bolts at you.

Loot its body. Congratulations-- you just picked up a joint of mutton, and your health is now at 80.

Get the Fucking Crossbow

Go into the elevator and open up the top-hatch. Climb up to the top of the elevator, then climb up the side of the shaft. At the very top of the elevator shaft will be some machinery and atop that will be a crossbow.

This crossbow is the greatest fucking weapon in the entire fucking game.

Again, it doesn't matter if you're in the year 3030 AD; apparently, even in the far future, the crossbow remains the most deadly and accurate weapon known to man.

Pick up the three bolts beside the crossbow. You're going to need them when you fall into the big water tank and are attacked by mutant shark-baboons. Shoot the shark-baboons in the mouth right as they're about to bite you.

Loot their bodies. One of the shark-baboons has a set of high-tech tools. You'll need that later to fix the power generator.

The one question you'd probably like to ask the Guy in the Fez is why would a mutant shark-baboon have a set of high-tech tools stashed somewhere on its body.

And, wouldn’t you know it, that's not one of the options you're allowed to choose. Like I said, Guys in Fezzes are six shades of fucking useless.

The Part Where You're On a Moving Transport

You know, the first time I went running up a train/hovertransport shooting people as the world scrolled by, I gotta admit, it was pretty neat.

Now… not so much. They say a person should never lose the capacity to be startled by a sunrise, but seriously, the third or fourth time you've run through a train shooting shit should be enough to satisfy you for the rest of your life.

The one good thing about this level is that's 100% linear. Did you forget to flip a switch? No problem, just walk three cars back.

Shoot everyone in sight. At some point you will encounter a diplomat or freed slave who offers to help you and grant you valuable information about the challenges ahead, simply because he's so grateful you freed him.

Soot him right in the fucking face and then loot his body.

He won't have anything of interest, but it's important to keep your reflexes honed.

Go to the front of the vehicle.

You Got the Red Armor.

The Part With the Three Fucking Bridges or Energy Fields

Okay, eventually you come to a great big fucking room. In the middle there's a great big ballsucker of machinery, and you've got to get to it, but you can't, because you have to find the switches and codes and keys to either 1) extend three different bridges or 2) lower three different energy fields.

And that's going to take running around the level, looting bodies, and retracing your steps a thousand fucking times to find that one stupid fucking transformer you forgot to blow up.

Or, you can just hit the cheat code NO_CLIP and walk right on through to that big piece of shit in the middle of the level. Like a man.

Men don't fuck around with bridges and energy fields. That's for the women-folk. Women like puzzles and talking to elves smoking hookahs. That's their right, of course, but I'll be damned before I sit there like an asshole writing down the pictograph code the third stormtrooper had on his key-card.

If I wanted that kind of shit, I'd have bought Myst III, as well as the necessary peripheral: a functioning vagina.

The Great Big Room Stocked Full of Goodies

Ah, safe at last. A great big room with no enemies in sight, and a big pile of health-packs by the computer monitor. So-- dash right to the treasure, right?

Wrong.

Don't be a chump all your life, pal. Look directly at the ceiling and take careful notice of the three Warrior Aliens creeping along and ready to drop on your head and eat your fucking face. Waste them with a lobby of machine-gun fire and grenades.

Then loot their bodies.

One Alien will have a Twig of Healing, the other will have the first part of the Rod of Eldritch Might.

The Guy in the Fez probably said something about this while you were knifing him in the balls.

The Part Where They Take All Your Cool Shit Away

The Guy in the Fez wants to have a drink with you, and suddenly your world goes crazy-crawly and dark and then you pass out. Turns out he was working for the Bad Guys, and he's drugged you.

Betrayed by a guy in a fez. What a fucking shock, huh?

You awake in a room with all your weaponry stripped from you, and dozens of villains standing between you and safety. This level will test your stealth-skills, as you're required to dispatch villains using only your firsts or the few puny rounds of ammo you loot off them.

Yeah, right. The magic word you're looking for is LOADED_FOR_FUCKIN'_BEAR. And then it's a snap.

You remember what we said earlier about stealth, right?

The Part Where You Get to Ski or Fly a Biplane

It always sounds good in theory. At some point, you'll get to ski, or ride a dragon, or pilot a biplane, or zip around on a Ski-doo on a glassy Venetian canal.

Trouble is, the engine of the game isn't designed for this sort of racing-style action, and so every fucking game-designer just phones it in at this point.

Rather than coming up with the code necessary to make this level fun and realistic, they just license out the engine of a 1997 version of The Simpsons Family Dune-Buggy Racing and hope that you're so fucking stupid you can't tell the fucking difference.

The controls are sloppy and sluggish, the physics are cartoonishly unrealistic, and some of the death-screams sound suspiciously like Superindendant Chalmers shouting out "Skinnnnn-er!!"

Skip it. The cheat you're looking for is FUCK_THAT_NOISE, which should advance you to the next level.

The Big Boss At the End

This is supposed to be the climax of the level, because the monster is huge and scary. But it sucks, because it's just not a normal fight. None of your weapons do any damage to the Boss, and he kills you with one or two bites/fireballs.

Except that there's one way to kill him -- like throwing a grenade into his nards when he blinks his eyes three times -- and that makes it ridiculously easy to kill him.

Look, they've just come up with some bullshit, stupid-ass easy way to kill him; why fuck around with details? You want to sit there for four fucking hours trying to figure out what combination of stupid maneuvers makes this paper tiger an easy score? Here's one that always works: cheatcode LET_GOD_SORT_'EM_OOUT.

The Big Victory Animation

Well, you did it. And now a chick comes out to make out with you.

Either they've gone pussy on you and made her all lithe and demure and PG-13, in which case you feel cheated, or else they've made her some ludicrously pneumatic Jessica Rabbit clone with nipples so diamond-hard they scratch the screen of your computer monitor as she hugs you, in which case you feel pandered to and a bit of a computer-geek pervert, which, of course, is exactly what you are.

And so either way you're going to feel pretty bad about yourself for wasting so many hours of your life on this idiotic game and then you're going to start surfing for porn and masturbating like a coked-up gibbon on Viagra. Which, as Woody Allen observed, is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the better ones.

Congratulations: You are Ultimate Winner! Now burn a copy of the disc and return the original to Circuit City, claiming "hardware incompatibility." They'll refuse to give you cash, of course; use the store-credit to pick up a copy of Playboy Playmates' "Secrets and Lingerie Party" 2004.

You'll be glad you did.

Posted by: Ace at 07:35 AM | Comments (207)
Post contains 2789 words, total size 16 kb.

1

Posted by: phoenixgirl @phxazgrl Happy 6th day of Christmas at December 30, 2013 07:36 AM (u8GsB)

2 The article that first brought me to this site!

Posted by: Norcross at December 30, 2013 07:36 AM (tmDTL)

3 Barack Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a malignant traitor.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 07:39 AM (PYAXX)

4 Nostalgia and a sadly accurate description of 90% of video games, especially pre-2004.

Posted by: Drew in MO at December 30, 2013 07:40 AM (cGlgB)

5 I never had Pac-Man come alive like that before.

Posted by: --- at December 30, 2013 07:40 AM (MMC8r)

6 Your gaming experience will be enhanced if you just immediately walk out the door and shoot them in their stupid fucking faces. HALO.

Posted by: rickb223 at December 30, 2013 07:41 AM (CRyse)

7 In before the time machine.

Posted by: fluffy at December 30, 2013 07:41 AM (Ua6T/)

8

Posted by: fixerupper at December 30, 2013 07:41 AM (nELVU)

9 Huh. Now I understand the origin of 80% of all Cracked.com articles. I'm not a gamer, mind you. It's just interesting as a cultural artifact.

Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 07:43 AM (ad4e8)

10 Wow. I remember when this was published... which means I've been at the HQ WAY longer than I thought if it came out in 2004...

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 07:45 AM (PYAXX)

11 I bet he writes for IGN on the side.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at December 30, 2013 07:46 AM (qyfb5)

12 What, no mention of the BLUEKEY? Every game I played had a BLUEKEY, not a silver one.

Posted by: Sam Hill at December 30, 2013 07:46 AM (zgHLA)

13 This is the shit that makes this place a smart military blog.

Posted by: Mallamutt, at December 30, 2013 07:47 AM (8pa6F)

14 Who would've guessed, merely 9 years later, GLAAD would have been all over this fucking post with protests and throwing Chick FilA sandwiches at your shit...

Posted by: prescient11 at December 30, 2013 07:47 AM (tVTLU)

15 HALO. Posted by: rickb223 at December 30, 2013 12:41 PM (CRyse) Yep. Pretty much. And still fun to play.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 07:47 AM (PYAXX)

16
I saw Generic Walk Thru open for the Rolling Stones back in 79 at the Cowhide Theater.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 30, 2013 07:48 AM (MaP11)

17 I didn't find my way here until 2007.  I'd never read this before, and now, I'm wiping tears of laughter from my eyes. 

Posted by: no good deed at December 30, 2013 07:48 AM (HsJeN)

18 Has GLAAD ever been held to account for Floyd Corkins?

Posted by: --- at December 30, 2013 07:48 AM (MMC8r)

19 Video games are a big f'in deal.

Posted by: Joe Biden at December 30, 2013 07:48 AM (Y0Z+z)

20 This isn't a fucking game of chutes and ladders! I really wish the GOP would understsnd this.

Posted by: Kreplach at December 30, 2013 07:49 AM (hjRtO)

21 Also, who needs locks on doors? Just go in and take everything that isn't bolted to the ground. It's not like that poor villager needed her money hidden away in her pots. For bonus points, take a nap in her bed to fully heal.

Posted by: AMDG at December 30, 2013 07:49 AM (t7OO0)

22
Congrats, Ace.  It's been fun reading you over the years.

Posted by: dan-O at December 30, 2013 07:49 AM (UBVVv)

23

Little did anyone know that this  kind of written longevity  would be easily transfered to  the  reviews of movies that no one ever watches.

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 07:49 AM (v44X4)

24 Meanwhile... in the real world... A second terrorist incident in Russia.... most probably perpetrated by Moslem extremists... With both Russia and the US INCREASING their Oil and Gas production, we have a historic chance... For the Enemy of my Enemy may not be my friend, but can surely be an ally.... Cut off the oil cash flow to the Middle East, and this world will, in a few years, be a much safer place...

Posted by: Romeo13 at December 30, 2013 07:50 AM (lZBBB)

25 Is there a walkthrough for Playboy Playmates' "Secrets and Lingerie Party" 2004, or would it be a wankthrough?

Posted by: dudenolongerinsantacruz at December 30, 2013 07:50 AM (xqU+D)

26 Ace on getting his first million web hits, May 27, 2005:

I plan to celebrate by relinking old posts I've already linked six bazillion times.

Just kidding. To thank you for reading, I won't relink anything at all. I'll just do what I usually do on a Memorial Day weekend -- shoot bottle-rockets at the neighborhood cats, and then, when the cops come, blame it on a Puerto Rican kid.

You just have to say "Puerto Rican" and "bottle-rockets" and the cops just start nodding with sage understanding.


Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 30, 2013 07:51 AM (SY2Kh)

27 Then loot their bodies. Because, you know, that's a big part of every adventure movie or book you've ever enjoyed, right? Looting the bodies is an important part of the action-hero fantasy, right? If I had a nickel for every time Indiana Jones killed a Nazi and then rifled through his pockets, I'd be a rich fucking man. I mean, every time Han Solo caps a Stormtrooper, he immediately yells to Chewbacca, "Hey, give me a hand, you big ball of fur! There's a bunch of dead guys here just completely weighed down with free shit!" So, yes, by all means, loot the bodies, because that's really the sort of action-adventure experience we're all looking for. Congratulations-- you just molested a corpse and earned ten fucking bullets for your troubles. Big fucking hero, you. Thaat's wot makes me laugh so hard I cry.

Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 07:51 AM (ad4e8)

28 Also, who needs locks on doors? Just go in and take everything that isn't bolted to the ground. It's not like that poor villager needed her money hidden away in her pots. For bonus points, take a nap in her bed to fully heal. I remember that Star Wars: KOTOR (& KOTOR 2) actually tried to keep you from doing that by giving you Dark Side points when you did stuff like that. And then you realized that the Dark Side powers were cooler than the Light Side (including the bonus you got for being at 100 DSP), and so you started doing that on purpose.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 07:52 AM (PYAXX)

29 So this is basically a demonstration of just how anachronistic Ace's old posts are?

Posted by: YourPoopyPants at December 30, 2013 07:52 AM (Y/HG5)

30 I laughed, I cried, It was better than CATS!

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 30, 2013 07:54 AM (jucos)

31
If we're linkin old posts...... put me down for "Gerg and the Volcano" and "Nuttin on Althouse".

Posted by: fixerupper at December 30, 2013 07:55 AM (nELVU)

32 I think the last time I actually played a video game was on my son's Nintendo II about 1997, a James Bond game.  Gaming is definitely a time sink.

Posted by: Sphynx at December 30, 2013 07:55 AM (OZmbA)

33 JJ Abrams is making millions with new blog posts based on Ace's old hits.

Posted by: --- at December 30, 2013 07:55 AM (MMC8r)

34 Where's the accidental links to the lipstick lesbian porn sites?

Posted by: John P. Squibob at December 30, 2013 07:55 AM (kqqGm)

35 My deepest and humblest apologies for missing this the first go-round. LMAF !

Posted by: Robert17 at December 30, 2013 07:55 AM (bGQeu)

36 for the record...shoots and ladders was a good game...the only game i liked better was mousetrap....although candyland was fun too....

Posted by: phoenixgirl @phxazgrl Happy 6th day of Christmas at December 30, 2013 07:56 AM (u8GsB)

37 I remember this post.  Okay, I don't.  2004?  I don't think I'd bought my first computer by then.

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 07:56 AM (v44X4)

38 I was going to return the game to Circuit City but.....I got high. Now Circuit City is outta business and I am stuck with this crappy game.......cause I got high, cause I got high, cause I got high.....

Posted by: Mallamutt, at December 30, 2013 07:56 AM (8pa6F)

39 Happy blog anniversary Ace! Maybe all the Morons can chip in and get you one of these as a present. Also, a cake.

http://www.theyfailed.com/epic-win-just-want-one-of-this-yes-the-cake/

Posted by: LizLem at December 30, 2013 07:56 AM (BF+2f)

40 Whoa Font Change.

After a few times through Doom 3, I started killing all the non combat characters.

It was quite a thrill there. I felt. . . evil and POWERFUL.

I also found out that killing some of these nitwits meant that bad shit that used to happen later, didn't happen. Not as many monsters appeared.

Weird.

this definitely deserved Best Of status.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at December 30, 2013 07:57 AM (LSDdO)

41 Watch out for snakes Grue!

Posted by: garrett at December 30, 2013 07:57 AM (4dwhV)

42 So, is Ace making an appearance today? Or, is he still in bed?

Posted by: Bean Pies, ey? at December 30, 2013 07:58 AM (Qev5V)

43

@39. Cake? Does that mean cake girl is showing up?

 

Awesome

Posted by: Mallamutt, at December 30, 2013 07:59 AM (8pa6F)

44

or else they've made her some ludicrously pneumatic Jessica Rabbit clone with nipples so diamond-hard they scratch the screen of your computer monitor as she hugs you

 

I find it difficult to understand why this would be considered a negative.

 

Oh, and bunk.

Posted by: Hairy Reid, Webelo Whisperer at December 30, 2013 08:00 AM (zF6Iw)

45 When is Ace going to get married and make us grandparents? Don't we have the right to little deuces to play and spoil? It'll be tough on his bride because the baby will come out of the womb with a lit fag in his/her mouth.

Posted by: Bean Pies, ey? at December 30, 2013 08:00 AM (Qev5V)

46 I knew it. Crossbows FTW!!!

Posted by: itchytriggerfinger at December 30, 2013 08:00 AM (XwN3V)

47 Cake? Does that mean cake girl is showing up? Awesome Cake girl definitely needs to be one of the "best-of" posts.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:00 AM (PYAXX)

48 Happy blog anniversary Ace! Maybe all the Morons can chip in and get you one of these as a present. Every time I look at that picture, I hate Ryan a little bit more.

Posted by: --- at December 30, 2013 08:00 AM (MMC8r)

49
I wasn't here then.  Awesome post.  Thanks for re-posting.

I never could become a gamer, I liked pinball, but everybody got into these things.  So I tried Myst which they were all talking about, read the little notes and discovered crap, all pretty much silent, then I had to find a key on a boat, which I did.  But then I could never get off the F'ing Boat! $#(^%(%#!!!*

That was the last time I played one of those games.

*opens up solitaire*

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 30, 2013 08:01 AM (MaP11)

50 GODMODE plus time machine that ace totally doesn't have and only lets Mike Judge use. God does want me to be happy! Yaaay!

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 08:01 AM (VtjlW)

51

Also, who needs locks on doors? Just go in and take everything that isn't bolted to the ground. It's not like that poor villager needed her money hidden away in her pots. For bonus points, take a  nap  dump  in her bed to fully heal.

 

Fixed.

Posted by: Hairy Reid, Webelo Whisperer at December 30, 2013 08:01 AM (zF6Iw)

52 Hairy, it's Webelos in the singular and plural.

Goddam Girl Scouts leaders.

Posted by: John P. Squibob at December 30, 2013 08:01 AM (kqqGm)

53 So, is Ace making an appearance today? Or, is he still in bed?

Posted by: Bean Pies, ey? at December 30, 2013 12:58 PM (Qev5V)

 

 

----------------------------------------------

 

 

I think he said last week that he'd be posting the oldies through the holidays.  He'll bring it after the 1st.  Around 2 in the afternoon.  Maybe.

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 08:02 AM (v44X4)

54 There is NO cake!

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at December 30, 2013 08:02 AM (LSDdO)

55 Did anyone ever say, as a child, "I want to jump around like a fucking jackass all the doo-dah day"? Yes, yes I did. When I was 8 years old I LOVED to play Q-Bert whilst my parents bowled.

Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 08:02 AM (ad4e8)

56 Having fun playing your game? Too bad, here's an escort mission! Still having fun? Water level!

Posted by: AMDG at December 30, 2013 08:03 AM (t7OO0)

57 42 So, is Ace making an appearance today? Or, is he still in bed? Posted by: Bean Pies, ey? at December 30, 2013 12:58 PM (Qev5V) LOL, just wtf do you think?

Posted by: Misanthropic Humanitarian at December 30, 2013 08:03 AM (HVff2)

58 no rabbits?

Then what the hell am I gonna hit with this hammer??

Posted by: Les Stroud at December 30, 2013 08:03 AM (NXg/k)

59
Sometimes I wonder about my ghost dude just whiling away the decades on that boat never to be released.  And I think to myself, better him than me.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 30, 2013 08:03 AM (MaP11)

60 I think he said last week that he'd be posting the oldies through the holidays. He'll bring it after the 1st. Around 2 in the afternoon. Maybe. #twoweeks

Posted by: rickb223 at December 30, 2013 08:03 AM (CRyse)

61 2:35pm? Ace finally got his time machine!

Posted by: shredded chi, the young curmudgeon at December 30, 2013 08:03 AM (hW6y3)

62

SKANKATHON!!!SKANKATHON!!!SKANKATHON

Flicks lighter, holds up

 

SKANKATHON!!!SKANKATHON!!!SKANKATHON

Posted by: FITP at December 30, 2013 08:04 AM (9CUkw)

63 41, watch out for grues. -Garrett Is that a userfriendly.org cartoon reference?

Posted by: TheDean'sOffice at December 30, 2013 08:04 AM (+w1hQ)

64 Cake girl definitely needs to be one of the "best-of" posts.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 01:00 PM (PYAXX)

 

 

----------------------------------------------

 

 

The hipster slap-fight video, including the comments.

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 08:04 AM (v44X4)

65

Yes, I am at a tax seminar update and the lecturer is a left wing tool.

 

Her last bullet point....expect immigration reform.

 

I wonder if she has noticed my middle finger, ala President Barky, has been extended the entire time.

 

Posted by: Mallamutt, at December 30, 2013 08:04 AM (8pa6F)

66 I quit scouting when it came time to graduate from Cub Scouts to Webelos. Because all my non-scouting friends laughed and said "BlueStateRebel is a WE-BLOW!!! Hurr hurr! Get it? He's a WE-BLOW. That means he's a fag and he, uh, BLOWS! Hurr hurr!" And also because I had discovered girls.

Posted by: BlueStateRebel at December 30, 2013 08:05 AM (7ObY1)

67 I quit scouting when it came time to graduate from Cub Scouts to Webelos. Because all my non-scouting friends laughed and said "BlueStateRebel is a WE-BLOW!!! Hurr hurr! Get it? He's a WE-BLOW. That means he's a fag and he, uh, BLOWS! Hurr hurr!" And also because I had discovered girls. I got kicked out for eating a brownie.....

Posted by: rickb223 at December 30, 2013 08:06 AM (CRyse)

68 Yes, yes I did. When I was 8 years old I LOVED to play Q-Bert whilst my parents bowled. Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 01:02 PM (ad4e Ages ago, there was a dollar movie theater by where I lived that had an original Joust machine. It was completely and totally awesome. Also, I remember when that was originally posted so yeah. Blinky blinky blinky goes the palm.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 08:07 AM (VtjlW)

69 Her last bullet point....expect immigration reform. Well, to be fair, we *do* expect "immigration reform."

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:07 AM (PYAXX)

70 I got kicked out for eating a brownie.....

Posted by: rickb223 at December 30, 2013 01:06 PM (CRyse)

 

 

-------------------------------------------

 

 

I got kicked out for bringing a beer to the jamboree camp-out.

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 08:08 AM (v44X4)

71 From now on, all CE seminars I attend will be decided by the proximaty of seminar to a bar.

Posted by: Mallamutt, at December 30, 2013 08:08 AM (8pa6F)

72 This is STILL the best video game article ever written.

Posted by: mrShad at December 30, 2013 08:09 AM (C5V36)

73 Posted by: BlueStateRebel at December 30, 2013 01:05 PM (7ObY1) Webelows *are* Cub Scouts. It's *after* you're a Webelow for 2 years that you "graduate" ("cross over") to Boy Scouts.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:10 AM (PYAXX)

74 That was good.....let's hear it for the way back machine!!

Posted by: fu52 at December 30, 2013 08:11 AM (NYXC6)

75 69 Her last bullet point....expect immigration reform. Well, to be fair, we *do* expect "immigration reform." Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 01:07 PM (PYAXX) Latest stats say that 53% of the Health Insurance uninsured are Hispanic in California... Expect them to use that as an Excuse for Amnesty... because the ACA numbers do not crunch with 20 to 30 million uninsured illegals... So as the system fails, expect John Boner and the Repubs to jump at this opportunity...

Posted by: Romeo13 at December 30, 2013 08:11 AM (lZBBB)

76

Well, to be fair, we *do* expect "immigration reform."

 

Si Senor.

 

Why don't we just annex Mexico and be done with it?  Then the drug dealers won't have to work so hard supplying their customers and we can stop worrying about thet pesky "border" thingy.

Besides, Dos Equis is decent beer.......

Posted by: FITP at December 30, 2013 08:11 AM (9CUkw)

77 Did she try to claim that all those extra folks will help support the system?

Cause that's an outright lie. They stated up front that illegals wouldn't have to join or pay. In fact if an employer hired them instead of an american citizen, that employer wouldn't have to count them toward his maximum number before having to pay for health insurance.

Like no one's going to take advantage of that, right? Right?

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at December 30, 2013 08:11 AM (LSDdO)

78 Posted by: Romeo13 at December 30, 2013 01:11 PM (lZBBB) tl;dr version: Bend over, here it comes again.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:11 AM (PYAXX)

79 It's *after* you're a Webelow for 2 years that you "graduate" ("cross over") to Boy Scouts.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 01:10 PM (PYAXX)

 

 

------------------------------------------------

 

 

I'm sure that was before the advent of KY  into merit badge discussions.

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 08:13 AM (v44X4)

80 And after Jan 1, "crossing over" will have a whole new meaning for scouts.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at December 30, 2013 08:13 AM (LSDdO)

81 I take it that rooting through Rubio's garbage for a contact high or the worshiping of Paul Ryan will not be on the greatest hits list.

Posted by: Jinx the Cat at December 30, 2013 08:15 AM (l3vZN)

82 Think Rubio and Ryan both could use a dirty Sanchez

Posted by: FITP at December 30, 2013 08:16 AM (9CUkw)

83 A friend of mine just got this text from his wife.

I need to ask you something and I want you to be totally honest with me. It might be awkward with us after but I have to know how you feel. I have kept this in for awhile now and it's about time I was straight up and just confront you about it. I hope this doesn't ruin the relationship we already have, I just need to know and I can't see any other way to get over this, it just doesn't seem fair on me if I don't get an answer. I want you to tell me truthfully, no matter what it is, I just want your honest opinion...

Do you know the muffin man?

Posted by: WalrusRex at December 30, 2013 08:16 AM (XUKZU)

84 From 2004: "Unfortunately, this is the part where you have to talk, damn it all, to some asshole wearing a fez." Is there some long-standing hatred for Allahpundit that has never been explained?

Posted by: Arbalest at December 30, 2013 08:16 AM (FlRtG)

85 I got kicked out for eating a brownie.....

I got kicked out for bringing a beer to the jamboree camp-out.


If you were caught you were doing it wrong.

And Allen, again, it's Webelos, not Webelow.

As in:

We
Be
Loyal
Scouts

Same singular as plural.

But what do I know?  I'm just went through the program as a youth and spent 15 years (and counting) as a Leader sending two sons through the program (one ended at rank of Eagle, one ended at the rank of Life).

Please continue.

Posted by: John P. Squibob at December 30, 2013 08:17 AM (kqqGm)

86

And so either way you're going to feel pretty bad about yourself for wasting so many hours of your life on this idiotic game and then you're going to start surfing for porn and masturbating like a coked-up gibbon on Viagra.

 

Skip the bit about gaming, and you're pretty much described every day of my life.

Posted by: Mary Poppins' Practically Perfect Piercing at December 30, 2013 08:17 AM (zF6Iw)

87 I take it that rooting through Rubio's garbage for a contact high or the worshiping of Paul Ryan will not be on the greatest hits list.

Posted by: Jinx the Cat at December 30, 2013 01:15 PM (l3vZN)

 

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

 

That'll be saved for the 20th anniversary when we can look back  and laugh hysterically, and laugh hysterically, and laugh hysterically..........

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 08:18 AM (v44X4)

88 We be toys an' shit.

Posted by: Toys R Us at December 30, 2013 08:18 AM (l3vZN)

89 And also because I had discovered girls. Yeah, girls are great. I barely made it to Eagle Scout before the age cutoff. Some of my friends were Explorer Scouts and they were doing the cool survivor stuff I really wanted to try out. So I buckled down and did my silly project. Merit badges like "Riflery" kept my interest too.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 30, 2013 08:18 AM (WhJf8)

90 Yeah.... Rubio and Ryan.  Both dead to me. 

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 30, 2013 08:18 AM (jucos)

91 "The Part With The Conveyer Belt and Acid Pit" Don't forget the obligatory "Sewer Level" in video games.

Posted by: Thrawn at December 30, 2013 08:19 AM (X866z)

92 Meanwhile... in the real world...


A second terrorist incident in Russia.... most probably perpetrated by Moslem extremists...
-
Yeah, in Volgograd fka Stalingrad because there hasn't been enough death and pain there.

Posted by: WalrusRex at December 30, 2013 08:19 AM (XUKZU)

93 for the record...shoots and ladders was a good game...the only game i liked better was mousetrap....although candyland was fun too.... You are a terrible person and you go a long way to explaining John McCain. BTW it's CHUTES & Ladders as any properly bored 5yr old could tell you, after an eternity contemplating the Old French origins of phrases in the English language, waiting her turn. To do NOTHING to NO END. Candyland was somehow even WORSE but at least it was for babies! Not meant for the sophisticated 8 yr old! Mousetrap was always a gimmick. Tell ME there was a game to play, I dast you! Also, any board game that had dice in a "pop" bubble.

Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 08:19 AM (ad4e8)

94 Is there some long-standing hatred for Allahpundit that has never been explained? Explained? It's self-evident.

Posted by: --- at December 30, 2013 08:19 AM (MMC8r)

95 Posted by: John P. Squibob at December 30, 2013 01:17 PM (kqqGm) I blame Chrome's crappy spell-check. And my complete inability to spell anything that isn't just handled by muscle-memory, but mostly Chrome's crappy spell-check.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:20 AM (PYAXX)

96 As a gamer this post made me feel stupid and inadequate. So I've played every Tom Raider, Assassins Creed and GTA- does that make me any less of a man??  In Ace's eyes...yes it does. He loves to mock, the sad little hirsute man that he is. However, until he beats GOW Ascension in GOD mode he can eat my shorts! I say BRING IT shorty!!








  

Posted by: dananjcon at December 30, 2013 08:20 AM (wmU4G)

97 10 Wow.

I remember when this was published... which means I've been at the HQ WAY longer than I thought if it came out in 2004...

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 12:45 PM (PYAXX)

 

He originally reposted it in 2006.  So maybe you remember that one.

Posted by: buzzion at December 30, 2013 08:21 AM (LI48c)

98 A second terrorist incident in Russia.... most probably perpetrated by Moslem extremists... Anyone else getting a little bit worried about security for the Sochi Olympics?

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:21 AM (PYAXX)

99 He originally reposted it in 2006. So maybe you remember that one. Okay... that would make more sense.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:22 AM (PYAXX)

100 The Sochi Olympics should be a Blast.

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 30, 2013 08:23 AM (jucos)

101

Goooood afternoon, all!  OMG what a busy morning. 

 

I am now FINALLY going to get to read the famous Walk-Thru post?  It's like Christmas come early!  Or... late!   Not sure which!

 

*goes to read*

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/b][/u][/i] at December 30, 2013 08:23 AM (4df7R)

102 Anyone else getting a little bit worried about security for the Sochi Olympics?

What could possibly go wrong?

Posted by: Israeli Olympic Team at December 30, 2013 08:23 AM (4WhSY)

103 A second terrorist incident in Russia.... most probably perpetrated by Moslem extremists... Are we sure it wasn't GLAAD?

Posted by: --- at December 30, 2013 08:23 AM (MMC8r)

104 Anyone else getting a little bit worried about security for the Sochi Olympics? Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 01:21 PM (PYAXX) Well... it will all be OK.... because we are sending Brian Boitano!!! and in all his Manlyness! He will protect us!

Posted by: Romeo13 at December 30, 2013 08:24 AM (lZBBB)

105 I never realized how Old Ace had such a potty mouth. 

Not that I'm complaining. 

Posted by: Phinn at December 30, 2013 08:24 AM (KOGmz)

106 A second terrorist incident in Russia.... most probably perpetrated by Moslem extremists... Anyone else getting a little bit worried about security for the Sochi Olympics? If I was attending, yes.

Posted by: rickb223 at December 30, 2013 08:24 AM (CRyse)

107 I never realized how Old Ace had such a potty mouth. Ace was the first to live-blog his Tourette's.

Posted by: --- at December 30, 2013 08:25 AM (MMC8r)

108 Besides, Dos Equis is decent beer.......

RINO

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 30, 2013 08:25 AM (SY2Kh)

109 Security risks at Sochi Preezy Dumblefuck sends a gay delegation Why does he H8 the gays so??

Posted by: RWC at December 30, 2013 08:25 AM (fWAjv)

110 Anyone else getting a little bit worried about security for the Sochi Olympics?

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 01:21 PM (PYAXX)

 

 

------------------------------------------------

 

 

Nah.  'Cause the terrorists know not to fuck with Baraka Hussein Obama, Preezy of the United Steezy.  They're askeerd.

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 08:26 AM (v44X4)

111 Does anybody know what game brought this on? Or was it just a random thing? Also, this is truthfully a very astute takedown of a whole lot of video games, including some great ones, and that makes it even funnier.

Posted by: Big T Party at December 30, 2013 08:26 AM (YVWNt)

112 Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 01:19 PM (ad4e Hey! I liked Chutes & Ladders. When I was 6. I was never a huge fan of Trouble, but Sorry was fun (and, really, they're the same game). I never understood Mouse Trap. However, my boardgame life was changed forever when I discovered the realm of player-driven-outcome games (as opposed to games that are more or less completely random) such as Stratego, Risk, and Supremacy. Of course, I'm a geek who likes D&D and war-games (Warhammer Fantasy and Warhammer: 40K mostly).

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:26 AM (PYAXX)

113 Security risks at Sochi Preezy Dumblefuck sends a gay delegation *** They'll charm the socks off the terrorists.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 30, 2013 08:26 AM (DmNpO)

114 Nah. 'Cause the terrorists know not to fuck with Baraka Hussein Obama, Preezy of the United Steezy. They're askeerd. Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 01:26 PM (v44X4) He's not going....

Posted by: Romeo13 at December 30, 2013 08:26 AM (lZBBB)

115 Goooood afternoon, all! OMG what a busy morning. I am now FINALLY going to get to read the famous Walk-Thru post? It's like Christmas come early! Or... late! Not sure which! *goes to read* Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at December 30, 2013 01:23 PM (4df7R) *limpet clings* Hi. http://bit.ly/1iqfdFk

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 08:27 AM (VtjlW)

116 Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 30, 2013 01:26 PM (DmNpO) It'll be fabulous.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:27 AM (PYAXX)

117 Our delegation can glitter bomb the terrorists into submission.

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 30, 2013 08:27 AM (jucos)

118 Damn you, Circuit City!!!

Posted by: Flatbush Joe at December 30, 2013 08:29 AM (ZPrif)

119 *limpet clings* Hi. I've often wondered if the shark ever gives any thought to the limpet. If so, what are it's thoughts? Is it bothered, comforted, driven insane by the clinginess, what?

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 30, 2013 08:29 AM (WhJf8)

120 Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 01:26 PM (PYAXX) Avalon Hill..... and what was that other company... SSI? War games.... FTW....

Posted by: Romeo13 at December 30, 2013 08:30 AM (lZBBB)

121 >>> I never understood Mouse Trap. It's all about anti Semitism.

Posted by: Rube Goldberg at December 30, 2013 08:30 AM (Ua6T/)

122 I've often wondered if the shark ever gives any thought to the limpet. If so, what are it's thoughts? Is it bothered, comforted, driven insane by the clinginess, what? Really depends on where it attaches its sucker clings.

Posted by: The Shark at December 30, 2013 08:30 AM (PYAXX)

123 Anyone else getting a little bit worried about security for the Sochi Olympics? As I'm not likely to attend... Nope! Not at all.

Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 08:30 AM (ad4e8)

124 I've often wondered if the shark ever gives any thought to the limpet. If so, what are it's thoughts? Is it bothered, comforted, driven insane by the clinginess, what? ...fookin' punk, you'd think it could manage a beejer while it's down there, but nooooooo...

Posted by: The Shark at December 30, 2013 08:31 AM (naUcP)

125 Security risks at Sochi Preezy Dumblefuck sends a gay delegation East German judge only gives a "6" for the sashay.

Posted by: rickb223 at December 30, 2013 08:31 AM (CRyse)

126 Our delegation can glitter bomb the terrorists into submission.

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 30, 2013 01:27 PM (jucos)

 

 

--------------------------------------------

 

 

The truth of that is too sad to even contemplate.

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 08:31 AM (v44X4)

127 Meh. strike fail.

Posted by: The Shark at December 30, 2013 08:31 AM (PYAXX)

128 How about a post of the various flaming skull variations (Blago, etc.)

Maybe we could we have an old flaming skull going out the door on SMOD and a new little optimistic flaming skull take its place.

Posted by: AE at December 30, 2013 08:32 AM (sSKe8)

129 I do just love how ace keeps on repeating "Loot their bodies."

Posted by: buzzion at December 30, 2013 08:32 AM (LI48c)

130

Again, it doesn't matter if you're in the year 3030 AD; apparently, even in the far future, the crossbow remains the most deadly and accurate weapon known to man.

 

 

"Yep."

 

-Daryl Dixon

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/b][/u][/i] at December 30, 2013 08:33 AM (4df7R)

131 I do just love how ace keeps on repeating "Loot their bodies." It does seem to be a major theme in FPS/over-the-shoulder "action" games.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:33 AM (PYAXX)

132 I saw Limpet Cling open for Super Sucker in 2002.

Posted by: Ruth Goldberg at December 30, 2013 08:33 AM (Ua6T/)

133 I've often wondered if the shark ever gives any thought to the limpet. If so, what are it's thoughts? Is it bothered, comforted, driven insane by the clinginess, what? Posted by: bonhomme at December 30, 2013 01:29 PM (WhJf I've always assumed the limpet was providing tech support for the frickin' lasers.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 08:34 AM (VtjlW)

134 Wasn't Mr Limpet Don Knotts?  Also, I am pretty sure Brian Dennehy will portray Don Knotts playing Mr. Limpet in the coming remake.

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 30, 2013 08:34 AM (jucos)

135 You know in your heart of hearts you want this to happen...and watch http://tinyurl.com/nyjl7b2 rowr

Posted by: RWC at December 30, 2013 08:35 AM (fWAjv)

136
It does seem to be a major theme in FPS/over-the-shoulder "action" games.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 01:33 PM (PYAXX)

 

Assassin's Creed has an actual animation for it.  Of course you can also just simply pickpocket them while they're still alive.  But then there's that mention of stealth.

Posted by: buzzion at December 30, 2013 08:35 AM (LI48c)

137 102 Anyone else getting a little bit worried about security for the Sochi Olympics? What could possibly go wrong? Posted by: Israeli Olympic Team at December 30, 2013 01:23 PM (4WhSY)

Miss me yet? Bomb free olympics after both the Atlanta olympic bombing AND 9/11, booyah. Okay enough bragging, gotta get back to giving women in binders cancer.


Posted by: Mitt Romney, got this Oympics thing down at December 30, 2013 08:36 AM (BF+2f)

138 Maybe we could we have an old flaming skull going out the door on SMOD and a new little optimistic flaming skull take its place.

Posted by: AE at December 30, 2013 01:32 PM (sSKe

 

 

------------------------------------------

 

 

As long as it's sensitive and cis-normative.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 08:36 AM (v44X4)

139

*limpet clings*



Hi.



http://bit.ly/1iqfdFk

 

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 01:27 PM (VtjlW)

 

 

*clings, too*  Hello, my queen.    I hope you had a nice Christmas!

 

http://bit.ly/18U6EiL

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/b][/u][/i] at December 30, 2013 08:36 AM (4df7R)

140 BTW, the terrorist strike this morning was the 3rd, not 2nd attack. The first took place a couple of months ago and killed 6 people.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 30, 2013 08:37 AM (DmNpO)

141 Oh, and new post.  Um below this one.

Posted by: buzzion at December 30, 2013 08:37 AM (LI48c)

142 *clings, too* ... ... ... I'll be in my bunk.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:37 AM (PYAXX)

143
I've always assumed the limpet was providing tech support for the frickin' lasers.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 01:34 PM (VtjlW)

 

Like any good tech support guy,  have you ever seen a limpet WITHOUT a bluetooth headset and a    4GB thumbdrive?   Yeah, didn't think so.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/b][/u][/i] at December 30, 2013 08:38 AM (4df7R)

144 You know in your heart of hearts you want this to happen...and watch


http://tinyurl.com/nyjl7b2


rowr


Reminds me of the end of a limerick:

The argued all night, as to who had the right,
To do what, with which, to whom.

Posted by: John P. Squibob at December 30, 2013 08:39 AM (kqqGm)

145 And I thought I was jaded.

Holy weasel balls.

Posted by: tangonine at December 30, 2013 08:39 AM (x3YFz)

146 Circuit City's been with us a while there, ace. _

Posted by: & Roebuck at December 30, 2013 08:39 AM (NQyj0)

147 What I fear/anticipate, is that Putin will blow away anything that moves in Sochi in an attempt to prevent a terrorist attack. I predict "collateral damage".

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 30, 2013 08:39 AM (DmNpO)

148

Besides, Dos Equis is decent beer.......

RINO

 

Purist!  Its guys like you that ensures we can never win.  If we won't allow Dos Equis into our tent, how can we ever hope win a national election?

Posted by: FITP at December 30, 2013 08:40 AM (CVA+p)

149 146 Circuit City's been with us a while there, ace.
_

Posted by: & Roebuck at December 30, 2013 01:39 PM (NQyj0)

Um, didn't they go TU?

Posted by: tangonine at December 30, 2013 08:40 AM (x3YFz)

150 New thread on David Brooks and humility BELOW this thread.

Posted by: WalrusRex at December 30, 2013 08:41 AM (XUKZU)

151 Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 30, 2013 01:37 PM (DmNpO) You can actually take it back about 25? years... Russia has had numerous incidents... like in 2002 when they terrorists seized 850 school children in a Theatre... But this is 2 incidents in just a couple of days....

Posted by: Romeo13 at December 30, 2013 08:41 AM (lZBBB)

152 I've always assumed the limpet was providing tech support for the frickin' lasers. Popular theory, that's where George Lucas came up with the idea of the R2 unit.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 30, 2013 08:41 AM (WhJf8)

153 Hey! I liked Chutes & Ladders. When I was 6. Fair enough, AllenG but did you thoroughly renounce and despise it in the 3rd Grade? I.... thought not.

Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 08:41 AM (ad4e8)

154 I'm reporting this site to ATTACKWATTTTCCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: chicory at December 30, 2013 08:42 AM (Kxz3Y)

155 *clings, too* Hello, my queen. I hope you had a nice Christmas! http://bit.ly/18U6EiL Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at December 30, 2013 01:36 PM (4df7R) I did! I hope you and yours did too. Oh Karl. Be dorkier. You can. You know you can. http://bit.ly/19WoH6z Eventually you'll notice it.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 08:42 AM (VtjlW)

156 Russia has had numerous incidents... like in 2002 when they terrorists seized 850 school children in a Theatre... *** All these thousands of miles away and I will never forget the horror of what happened there. I guess it provides a clue as to how so many cried with us on 9/11.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 30, 2013 08:42 AM (DmNpO)

157 Reminds me of the end of a limerick

All the limericks I know end with something like, "... and fucked her."

Posted by: Phinn at December 30, 2013 08:42 AM (KOGmz)

158 What I fear/anticipate, is that Putin will blow away anything that moves in Sochi in an attempt to prevent a terrorist attack. I predict "collateral damage". Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 30, 2013 01:39 PM (DmNpO) Yeah, my first thought is that the Russian athletes that Putin likes will be fine. Everyone else, not so much.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 08:44 AM (VtjlW)

159 Quake II?

Posted by: eman at December 30, 2013 08:45 AM (EWsrI)

160 Fair enough, AllenG but did you thoroughly renounce and despise it in the 3rd Grade? I don't think I even thought about it from the time I was 7 until I had a 4 year old (20-some years later).

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at December 30, 2013 08:46 AM (PYAXX)

161 That rocked...Ace used to be good.

Posted by: rc at December 30, 2013 08:46 AM (9juRt)

162 Reminds me of the end of a limerick All the limericks I know end with something like, "... and fucked her." Rhyme with Nantucket.......

Posted by: rickb223 at December 30, 2013 08:47 AM (CRyse)

163

http://bit.ly/19WoH6z




Eventually you'll notice it.


 

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 01:42 PM (VtjlW)

 

 

*whimper!*  Notice what?   Besides the fact that an extremely hot Kiwi    actor   is trying to give me the One Ring?      Not that I'm complaining, mind you.   *COO*

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/b][/u][/i] at December 30, 2013 08:49 AM (4df7R)

164 I could give a rats ass if Robin Roberts is gay, bi, Lithuanian or Portuguese. Why do these people act as if anyone gives a fuck? So Anderson Cooper is a Twink, BFD...NO Shit!  Who didn't already know?  I had Red Velvet Cheese Cake with my coffee this morning...Big fuggin whoop!!

These people really do insist on themselves way too much.

 



Posted by: dananjcon at December 30, 2013 08:52 AM (wmU4G)

165 I've always assumed the limpet was providing tech support for the frickin' lasers Don't matter how much you love sea-life in all it's forms, some little snaky eel thingy off a shark and has a flat head that looks like the undersole of a fucking sneaker trying to get intimate with you... Gaahh! I highly doubt they have LASERS but even so.... Gaahhh!

Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 08:52 AM (ad4e8)

166 Biden's an idiot but I bet he's awesome at Pokemon strategies.

Posted by: Shoot Me at December 30, 2013 08:52 AM (qiXMt)

167 Can we skip the level where Obama is president for the next three years? Because even IDDQD is going to be hard-pressed to get us through this one.

Posted by: Rosa E. at December 30, 2013 08:54 AM (ynTYJ)

168 Happy tenth  birthday    Mr  Ace of Spades.  If indeed that  is your name.




Tenth birthday......say that five times fast.

Posted by: eleven at December 30, 2013 08:54 AM (KXm42)

169 Oh did I shut down another one?

Posted by: eleven at December 30, 2013 08:55 AM (KXm42)

170 Yuppers.

Posted by: eleven at December 30, 2013 08:55 AM (KXm42)

171 no

Posted by: seamrog at December 30, 2013 08:56 AM (kP8+v)

172 I like this post cause ace says faggit in it.

Posted by: eleven at December 30, 2013 08:58 AM (KXm42)

173 Nethack.
Might & Magic.
Every AD&D game ever minted. The late wife was a fanatic, then lost interest circa 1992. Still have the stuff boxed up in her never-used sewing room.

Posted by: backhoe at December 30, 2013 08:58 AM (ULH4o)

174 a lobby of machine-gun fire and grenades

Bravo Mr. Acederson

Posted by: DaveA[/i][/b][/s] at December 30, 2013 08:59 AM (DL2i+)

175 This was great

Posted by: SamIam at December 30, 2013 08:59 AM (FKt6g)

176 93 for the record...shoots and ladders was a good game...the only game i liked better was mousetrap....although candyland was fun too.... You are a terrible person and you go a long way to explaining John McCain. BTW it's CHUTES & Ladders as any properly bored 5yr old could tell you, after an eternity contemplating the Old French origins of phrases in the English language, waiting her turn. To do NOTHING to NO END. Candyland was somehow even WORSE but at least it was for babies! Not meant for the sophisticated 8 yr old! Mousetrap was always a gimmick. Tell ME there was a game to play, I dast you! Also, any board game that had dice in a "pop" bubble. Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 01:19 PM (ad4e damn, deety......i didn't vote for mccain for senator last time!!!! i did write him in for "dog catcher" though....so technically...i did vote for him...... sorry about the spelling....i'm looking forward to an evening at the range....where i will be chuting. damn it! there i go again!!! mouse trap was fun!!! so was candyland! besides i don't think my brothers & sister ever finished a game anyway....someone always got mad & threw the board along with all the pieces across the room when it became clear they would lose!!!!! merry Christmas & happy new year btw....

Posted by: phoenixgirl @phxazgrl Happy 6th day of Christmas at December 30, 2013 08:59 AM (u8GsB)

177 I missed the morning memo -  are we getting re-runs on blogposts or something? 

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at December 30, 2013 09:01 AM (ioT3q)

178 *whimper!* Notice what? Besides the fact that an extremely hot Kiwi actor is trying to give me the One Ring? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. *COO* Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at December 30, 2013 01:49 PM (4df7R) See how I give you nice things. I may have gotten a wee bit distracted and not noticed the One Ring for. A bit. Some inconsequential amount of time. In keeping with the crossbow theme: http://bit.ly/1aji2Qz New NFL QBs on FB up!

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 09:01 AM (VtjlW)

179 This is really good writing. I'm not a gamer, so it's not something I'd normally be interested in. Started reading and got sucked in. Very funny.

Posted by: duke at December 30, 2013 09:02 AM (d3clc)

180 A spoiler alert would have been nice.

Posted by: NotCoach at December 30, 2013 09:04 AM (rsudF)

181 Dang sequestration is causing thread recycling. The Crossbow is still big in Skyrim.

Posted by: Boss Moss at December 30, 2013 09:04 AM (ShvtX)

182 I don't comment all that much.
This post made me laugh out loud, again.
Even funnier than when I read it originally.

Posted by: Retired Geezer at December 30, 2013 09:05 AM (NsK7F)

183 Obama Nominates Leftist Lawyer Who Represented Cop Killer Mumia Abu-Jamal To Head DOJ’s Civil Rights Division… Weasel Zippers: What could possibly go wrong?

Posted by: Nevergiveup at December 30, 2013 09:06 AM (t3UFN)

184 Obama Nominates Leftist Lawyer Who Represented Cop Killer Mumia Abu-Jamal To Head DOJ’s Civil Rights Division… Wait until they get a load of my Pardons!

Posted by: ObamaJoker at December 30, 2013 09:07 AM (4dwhV)

185 Still one of the best things ever posted on the internet, and truly the only walkthrough you'll ever need.  Thanks so much for reposting this!

Posted by: Editor at December 30, 2013 09:08 AM (761sc)

186 This sounds like the adventure to create healthcare.gov. Except the victory part. And it's missing the 404 part.

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn at December 30, 2013 09:10 AM (l0lja)

187 Hey! That's MY nerdgasm you are spiking! That, for the most part, you are right, means very little to my delicate emotional state. Meh. Fine. But I'm still getting that next platinum trophy. *sigh* Can't even hang it on the wall.

Posted by: Doom at December 30, 2013 09:13 AM (CWh1u)

188 So is everyone back here?  I'm so confused.  I blame Bush.

Posted by: Soona at December 30, 2013 09:13 AM (v44X4)

189 Yeah, my first thought is that the Russian athletes that Putin likes will be fine. Everyone else, not so much. Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 30, 2013 01:44 PM (VtjlW) Obama's trying to play the passive-aggressive game with Putin. He will lose and other people will get hurt by it. Putin is a master at passive-aggressive pwning.

Posted by: AmishDude at December 30, 2013 09:13 AM (xSegX)

190 C'mon. Spoiler alerts, people.

Posted by: TexasDan at December 30, 2013 09:13 AM (Fa3Hi)

191 C'mon. Spoiler alerts, people. BRUCE WILLIS IS ALREADY DEAD!!!! THE CHICK WAS A DUDE!!!! ROSEBUD WAS A SLED!!!! DARTH VADER IS LUKE'S FATHER!!!! SPOILER ALERT!

Posted by: --- at December 30, 2013 09:15 AM (MMC8r)

192 Gaming is definitely a time sink.
Posted by: Sphynx at December 30, 2013 12:55 PM
=========
That's why I invest all my time reading smart military blog.

Posted by: RoyalOil at December 30, 2013 09:16 AM (VjL9S)

193 C'mon. Spoiler alerts, people. Psssssst. Tomorrow is only Tuesady.

Posted by: rickb223 at December 30, 2013 09:16 AM (CRyse)

194 Wait until they get a load of my Pardons! Posted by: ObamaJoker at December 30, 2013 02:07 PM (4dwhV) Yep. My prediction is that it will be so bad that there will be a subsequent Constitutional amendment restricting the president's pardon power.

Posted by: AmishDude at December 30, 2013 09:17 AM (xSegX)

195 The one question you'd probably like to ask the Guy in the Fez is why would a mutant shark-baboon have a set of high-tech tools stashed somewhere on its body. No. I disagree. MY question to the Guy in the Fez would be, "Where would one look for POCKETS on a mutant shark-baboon"? Can you IMAGINE if sharks OR baboons had pockets... genetically engineered? You'd look at them very hard about Uranium and such and all they would do is stuff their hands in their pockets and whistle away.

Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 09:18 AM (ad4e8)

196 My prediction is that it will be so bad that there will be a subsequent Constitutional amendment restricting the president's pardon power. Posted by: AmishDude at December 30, 2013 02:17 PM (xSegX) Yes maybe, but remember obama hates everyone who is not obama, save maybe that rat jarrett

Posted by: Nevergiveup at December 30, 2013 09:18 AM (t3UFN)

197 My birthday is today too! That and cheerleader pix are why I read AoS. But mostly cheerleader pix.

Posted by: FOAF at December 30, 2013 09:18 AM (rZ7kp)

198 My birthday is today too! That and cheerleader pix are why I read AoS. But mostly cheerleader pix. Posted by: FOAF at December 30, 2013 02:18 PM (rZ7kp) Happy Birthday.

Posted by: Nevergiveup at December 30, 2013 09:23 AM (t3UFN)

199 196 My prediction is that it will be so bad that there will be a subsequent Constitutional amendment restricting the president's pardon power.
Posted by: AmishDude at December 30, 2013 02:17 PM (xSegX)


Yes maybe, but remember obama hates everyone who is not obama, save maybe that rat jarrett

Posted by: Nevergiveup at December 30, 2013 02:18 PM (t3UFN)

 

Which is why his pardons will be blanket pardons for people like Eric Holder and all the other little minions of the administration.  So they can't be charged and then off to spill the beans for reduced sentences.

Posted by: buzzion at December 30, 2013 09:24 AM (LI48c)

200

How influential was this post? Well, they did use it to write "The Walking Dead."

 

Now, where's the royalties?

Posted by: Ted K. at December 30, 2013 09:27 AM (FJYfm)

201 'The one question you'd probably like to ask the Guy in the Fez is why would a mutant shark-baboon have a set of high-tech tools stashed somewhere on its body.' I like shooting animals in Skyrim, looting their corpses and finding gems and gold. WTF. Great piece, first one that comes to mind as a Greatest Hit.

Posted by: waelse1 at December 30, 2013 09:42 AM (vdW8C)

202 As long as one of your Movie Reviews… …but much, much funnier!

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars at December 30, 2013 10:01 AM (HsTG8)

203 I've often wondered if the shark ever gives any thought to the limpet. If so, what are it's thoughts? Is it bothered, comforted, driven insane by the clinginess, what? Well, properly attired, a shark in the Bahamas has two "limpets" of equal size and shape that could function as ailerons in blue water, I suppose. In shallow water feeding, I have observed the parasite fish (limpet) disconnect from it's host shark and try to attach, later, indiscriminately to whatever large (80lbs +) body is passing OVER the reef. I have also observed sharks scraping them off and (to my mind) trying to escape the eels. On a short spurt, in shallow waters, the eels will be the faster, it seems. They do pair up, the eels I don't think the sharks LIKE them a far as sharks can be thought to like or dislike anything. I don't know what happens out in the big blue, I can't know. I suspect that the eels are just along for the ride and the sharks KNOW it.

Posted by: Deety at December 30, 2013 10:02 AM (ad4e8)

204 Where's the "sync my nick" button when you need it? And it ain't next to the "nick my sink" button, wiseasses!

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars [/i] [/b] [/s] [/u] at December 30, 2013 10:05 AM (HsTG8)

205 I don't play too many video games. To qualify that, I think the last one I played was DOOM. I DO see alot of parallels with playing a video game and being married though, especially when you put it all in script for me to grasp.--Thanks Ace-- You happen to know a good attorney???

Posted by: rld77 working on lunch engestion at December 30, 2013 10:43 AM (gObCt)

206 Thank you!! I've been looking for this post for a while.

Posted by: Paul at December 30, 2013 11:00 AM (g4Saz)

207 Thanks for this post. Unbelievably amazing.

Posted by: Yoshi, Aggrieved Victim of the White Man at December 30, 2013 03:01 PM (QyDWe)

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