November 30, 2005

Smells Like Tween Spirit
— Dr. Reo Symes

Bat Mitzvah blowout:

For his daughter's coming-of-age celebration last weekend, multimillionaire Long Island defense contractor David H. Brooks booked two floors of the Rainbow Room, hauled in concert-ready equipment, built a stage, installed special carpeting, outfitted the space with Jumbotrons and arranged command performances by everyone from 50 Cent to Tom Petty to Aerosmith.

And not just those three. Also performing at the teenie bash: Don Henley, Joe Walsh, Stevie Nicks, Kenny G (Kenny G?). Don’t believe me? Here’s a snap of 'Fitty' keeping it real.

50girl.jpg

And check this blog for snaps of the other "rockers" rocking out for the assembled tween/teens.

No, I’m not going to go off on the Rock-n-Roll sell-out angle. Never really believed in that, and the pictures say all I ever could anyway. Besides, Rock-n-Roll broke my heart a long time ago - been dead to me for bout a decade.

What I wonder about is her classmate. You know, the one whose kinda-not-hip parents booked the Christina Aguilera impersonator for her coming out two weeks later. (“She’s very good honey. She brings her own light show and everything!”)

Man, how much must that kid dread her upcoming shindig? Cause you just know 12 year old girls wouldn’t dream of, say, later circulating a checklist comparing and contrasting the two parties in comical fashion or coming up to her in the hallway at school and asking her if she still has the impersonator's number "Cause my sister, Megan, she has her party next year (*snicker*) and we just thought it was soooo cool."

No. Cause 12 year old girls aren't catty like that.

Posted by: Dr. Reo Symes at 05:37 PM | Comments (61)
Post contains 275 words, total size 2 kb.

1 arbin flarbin

Posted by: uhh at November 30, 2005 05:41 PM (6krEN)

2 No Paul Anka? What a waste of money.

Posted by: sandy burger at November 30, 2005 05:45 PM (iGWFT)

3 eebin flobbin

Posted by: uhh at November 30, 2005 05:50 PM (6krEN)

4 Fitty likes Bush. Don't knock him.

Posted by: at November 30, 2005 06:05 PM (6Swlb)

5 Just three letters: WTF!

What is worng with these parents. i don't care if they are billionaires, this is just soooo wrong!

Posted by: joated at November 30, 2005 06:06 PM (6krEN)

6 Stern talked about this on his show a couple of days ago. Evidently one of his daughters was there for the Bat Mitzvah. He said the girl whose dad threw this obscene thing was a 'good kid', but how can you not be totally warped from a lifestyle like this?

I really need to try it for a few decades, just as an experiment.

Posted by: phat at November 30, 2005 06:11 PM (TjEsY)

7 Reminds me of that godawful show on mtv about girl's sweet sixteen b-days. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people???

Posted by: carin at November 30, 2005 06:18 PM (2KnSh)

8 This is why raising a kid in New York (or CA, or Miami, etc.) is child abuse. The pressure these kids must be under, to keep up with the Jones', is nuts.

I remember when my sisters' had theirs between 10-20 years ago, it was just a birthday party at the house.

Posted by: Sean at November 30, 2005 06:32 PM (29u+V)

9 I remember what I got for my sixteeth birthday: a big fight with my stepfather, an order to leave the house, and bupkis from my mom. That was the start of my exciting new life as an emancipated minor: working nights, trying to finish high school during the day, and nursing a bitter seething anger at my stepfather that lingers to this very day.

I'm sure this girl is nice enough, but I'd still like to punch her in the neck on general principles. And her old man. And 50 Cent, just because he's a fucking punk and makes more money in an hour than I'll make in the next fifty years.

Sigh. Actually, I find this all comforting in a way. I've been telling people that you should be issued a certificate reading Life Is Not Fair when you are born. Situations like this only reinforce that belief. There's a beautiful kind of symmetry at work, if you stop and think about it.

Posted by: Monty at November 30, 2005 06:38 PM (djE5R)

10 Fitty:
F--- being in a cage,
man that sh--- for the birds.
I do my dirt in the hood,
but I live in the burbs
When you talk be careful
how you choose your words
Cause I send n----- to put
ya f------ brains on the curb . . .


Shalom everybody!!

Posted by: adolfo velasquez at November 30, 2005 06:58 PM (xukI3)

11 Oh, My daughter made me watch those sweet sixteen parties on MTV. HORRIBLE!! I wouldn't wish those girls on my worst enemy. They are totally unmarriagable (is that a word?) What man would want such a self absorbed idiot? And not your usual teenage selfishiness either, but something far more insufferable. If you marry for their Daddy's money, I promise it won't be worth it.


Monty,

You reminded me of something. When I was in college doing drama I use to watch a girl on stage who was sooo good. It was just magic to see her act. One of my acting teachers was sitting beside me and I said "I wish I could act like that." and he said, "you haven't had enough pain in your life my dear."
It was true. She had had a rough life. Somehow it was channeled into her acting. (most actors and comedians I knew had horrible childhoods) Not to get too deep here ( oh why not) but I believe with everything we go through there is a gift given. We can let bitterness eat away at us or we can use our pain to push forward and do things we never would have done otherwise.

You are one funny guy. Warped, but funny. I don't know what you do, but I bet your good at it.

It's a gift. One your stepfather never knew he gave you. And one you never have to thank him for. His loss, your gain.

Now that, my friend, is symmetry at work.

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at November 30, 2005 06:58 PM (OSolv)

12 Dang, Monty, I as thinking about my own tough adolescence. Preacher's kid, Mom dying of cancer, sort of on my own after Mom got sick when I was 13, and so forth. But I never got kicked out of the house (probably should have been). I left on my own.

I've always thought of myself as a graduate of the School of Hard Knocks, but it sounds like you've got the post-graduate degree.

OK, no one is looking. Come here and get a big hug. C'mon, hug me.

OK, you're hesitating.

So, let's clear the air between us.

It kills me to say this, but you really did deserve to win the poetry contest.

OK?

C'mon, give me a big hug.

Posted by: Michael at November 30, 2005 07:00 PM (pRtzm)

13 There's a beautiful kind of symmetry at work, if you stop and think about it.

Sorry, what now? I was busy trying to hang myself.

Posted by: sandy burger at November 30, 2005 07:02 PM (iGWFT)

14 Anyone that calls any of these musicians a sell out is full of sh*t. (OK, except Henley. I hate Don Henley)They are professionals. That means they ply a trade for money.

Me and my garage band would have played that gig for beer.

Easy money, baby.

Posted by: fugazi at November 30, 2005 07:07 PM (KyUPY)

15 RWS:

You know, I was reading your comment and I knew it was you before your name even scrolled up to the bottom of my computer screen.

You kind of stand out at AOSHQ. I mean that in a nice way.

Posted by: Michael at November 30, 2005 07:21 PM (pRtzm)

16 Michael, is there anyone's leg here you haven't humped?

Posted by: at November 30, 2005 07:24 PM (6Swlb)

17 ogagoga fleegin

Posted by: uhh at November 30, 2005 07:25 PM (6krEN)

18 Growing up in the lower middle class bracket with a quasi-normal family has benefits I see. This is waaaayyy overboard.

Posted by: Stillers at November 30, 2005 07:27 PM (blNMI)

19 Monty:

I'm no good at emoting in print - it comes out either stiff or stiff & maudlin (or worse) - so I'll just ride RWS's coattails and add a dayum of my own.

Just don't fall for Michael's "big ol' hug" ploy.

Posted by: geoff at November 30, 2005 07:29 PM (f+QmI)

20 Boy, she's gonna be a bitch when she grows up.

Posted by: rd at November 30, 2005 07:44 PM (lpbk9)

21 Michael, is there anyone's leg here you haven't humped?

Yes. Yours. Because you don't post a fuckin' name, asshole.

Posted by: Michael at November 30, 2005 07:53 PM (pRtzm)

22 Some people have really screwed priorities.

Posted by: Iblis at November 30, 2005 08:17 PM (PZccH)

23 I concur with Iblis. My first priority as a father would be to fix that beak she has for a nose.

Posted by: Bart at November 30, 2005 08:26 PM (EixHX)

24 Adolfo, sure that would have gone down, but I think Fitty's gig was more:

"Yo, yo, yo, fool, don't be dissin'
I'm a bad mother** with two sets of dishes,
Got the hustle, though I don't eat mussles
wanna meet the Sandman?
Please call your Grandma!!"

Posted by: T. Marcell at November 30, 2005 09:06 PM (n6My/)

25 I pity the man who marries this princess. He's gonna be competing with daddy for the rest of his life.

Posted by: JackStraw at December 01, 2005 02:15 AM (rnOZq)

26 This whole thing reminds me of the "Bar Mitzvah Safari" skit from one of those early 1960s Borscht Belt comedy albums. Ace, you will have to find it.

Posted by: Ron at December 01, 2005 03:04 AM (YtqTh)

27 OK, you're hesitating.

It's the Batman suit, dude.

Posted by: VRWC Agent at December 01, 2005 03:35 AM (Y33qq)

28 . (most actors and comedians I knew had horrible childhoods) Not to get too deep here

Ok, I've got another theory here - actors and comedians are a special type of navel gazer that focuses on their shitty past. Some people just don't talk about it . Ever. And become things like - bankers and housewives.

Posted by: carin at December 01, 2005 03:43 AM (u8VuY)

29 RWS, are you saying Monty would be a good thespian?

Posted by: Dave in Texas at December 01, 2005 03:48 AM (pzen5)

30 Holy crap. Monty is a lesbian?

Posted by: J at December 01, 2005 03:54 AM (4THOe)

31 I concur with Iblis. My first priority as a father would be to fix that beak she has for a nose.

Hey now, look out.

Posted by: Sue Dohnim at December 01, 2005 03:54 AM (rE+jU)

32 Oh wait... um. Excuse me.

Posted by: J at December 01, 2005 03:54 AM (4THOe)

33 I think Monty is a pussy for not putting his stepdad in a hole and dropping lotion in a basket down to him, before turning him into a man-suit, a wrinkly shell of human skin that you doff, like a caterpillar, to emerge a metaphorical new man--Jung meets Leatherface.

Just so we're clear.

Posted by: rho at December 01, 2005 04:45 AM (c6bJU)

34 For the record, Michael has never humped my leg.

Not for lack of trying. It's just that whenver I see him approaching with that look in his eye, I give him a quick shot with the garden hose.

Works every time.

Posted by: Slublog at December 01, 2005 04:54 AM (R8+nJ)

35 I used to date a girl whose Dad sexually abused her until she was about 13. She sometimes woke up at night crying and I would have to hold her until she calmed down and then we'd make gentle love until morning.

Of course, her interest in me began to flag and our amorous encounters became less and less frequent. Still, we still might have made it if she hadn't discovered it was me creeping into the bedroom whispering "Honey, Mommy says she's too sick to take care of Daddy tonight."

It's a shame, really, because she was cute and rich. But for some reason her interest in sex never really matched mine, forcing me to resort to such tactics.

Posted by: spongeworthy at December 01, 2005 05:12 AM (uSomN)

36 spongeworthy, that is so gross.

Posted by: at December 01, 2005 05:26 AM (Ad7hS)

37 Ace:

Speaking of hugging Monty, here's an idea for a post. Scientists in Singapore are working on a method to transmit hugs over the internet.

Once they have internet hugging perfected, the next step is obvious . . .

Posted by: Michael at December 01, 2005 05:50 AM (ycKg/)

38 Hey now, look out.

*Note to Flame War file -- direct schnoz jokes at Sue Dohnim*

Posted by: Michael at December 01, 2005 05:57 AM (ycKg/)

39 Thanks for the good will, folks -- it means a lot. Still, don't feel too sorry for me. I'm fine, I've always been fine, and my mom and I made it up long ago (she passed away from cancer a couple of years ago, and I was right there when she died). My stepfather and I will never speak again, but I see that as a net-positive and no great loss. He's a small and venal man.

And while my childhood might not have been all that rosy, I never went hungry or had to sleep outside, so that already puts me in front of about 90% of humanity on this spinning mudball. I was lucky to have a supportive extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins, and family friends who made a tough time in my life much easier. It did give me a somewhat hard-edged view of layabouts and couch-potatoes, though -- I don't wanna hear about how you can't find a job. If you can't make it in this country, then you can't make it, period.

And I try not to make too much of a virtue of being a "self made man"; it wasn't like I had much of a choice in the matter. Millions of people throughout America bust their humps every day just to get by, and they do it with far fewer support structures than I had.

One thing I found out, though: it's tough to rent a place on your own before you're eighteen. No one believes that you're really on your own. I'm lucky I found an elderly couple who were willing to rent me their basement, or else I'd have had to sponge off of relatives until I got to be eighteen. Being an emancipated minor is a lot less fun than some kids think it is: you can't get a credit card, you can't rent most places, you can't get a driver's license without going to court, etc. etc. And it means you have zero social life because between school and work you mainly sleep.

Posted by: Monty at December 01, 2005 06:00 AM (c7rNU)

40 Monty,

Let's keep this light, okay?

But seriously, that's very interesting. Good on ya.

Posted by: ace at December 01, 2005 06:10 AM (UxtY9)

41 No feeling sorry here Monty - you made something of yourself under some tough circumstances, with some support from extended family and friends. You're gracious enough to acknowledge that, and man enough to shrug it off and say "hey, nothing special here, people do better with worse everyday".

Your story and attitude about it are commendable. Not something to be pitied at all.



It's the poet in you that I pity.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at December 01, 2005 06:22 AM (pzen5)

42 Let's keep this light, okay?

Okay, dammit, that's the last pity-party I invite you to. Besides, Fitty already RSVP'd for my next one and said he'd bring a monogrammed crying-towel with him.

Posted by: Monty at December 01, 2005 06:31 AM (Vp1bn)

43 This explains how Monty knows so much about kids living "on the stroll", anyway. I figured he read some books, not that he actually lived it.

And yes, you can make it here if you learn basic business success elements, like in Monty's case repeat business.

Posted by: spongeworthy at December 01, 2005 06:49 AM (uSomN)

44 From the list of bands, it sounds like this show was mostly for the parents. What 12-year-old girl cares about Tom Petty, Aerosmith, Don Henley, Joe Walsh, Stevie Nicks, or Kenny G?

Maybe they're all neighbors (including 50 cent).

A few of those old guys woulda been cool to me about 30 years ago. I wouldn't even want to see 'em now.

Sorta like the Rolling Stones at halftime.

Posted by: Mark at December 01, 2005 07:10 AM (G6key)

45 Monty, I am sooo not keeping this light. (Ace ignores me anyway) The following link might give you some insight on why I have a soft spot for those who go through the school of hard knocks:

http://rightwingsparkle.blogspot.com/2004/11/thanksgiving.html

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at December 01, 2005 07:48 AM (OSolv)

46 I pity the man who marries this princess. He's gonna be competing with daddy for the rest of his life.

I also pity daddy when it comes time to throw this girl's wedding, and try to top what he did here.

Posted by: Joshua at December 01, 2005 08:07 AM (2c7xL)

47 RWS, neat story!

school of hard knocks

Well, let's not get crazy here; I'm no Horatio Alger or anything. It was no fun, to be sure, but I was never in serious danger of starving or freezing to death.

Funny story from this period in my life: I had decided that I wanted to be a professional writer, and that I intended to major in English in college. I told my grandmother this -- a farm-wife nearly eighty years old who did not tolerate fools gladly -- and expected to get the standard trope about "following my dreams".

Instead, she said "So you enjoy being poor?"

Posted by: Monty at December 01, 2005 08:20 AM (UdJCa)

48 So what did you major in?

Posted by: rightwingsparkle at December 01, 2005 09:05 AM (OSolv)

49 RWS:

English Lit. I did my senior thesis on John Donne, the 17th century Christian poet. You know: Death, be not proud...

But I've been a computer geek for almost my entire life, and a good thing too because I discovered after graduation that unless you want to teach, a Lit. degree is completely worthless as far as getting a job goes.

Been writing computer software ever since (although I do scribble the occasional poem and/or story into some notebooks that I'll probably burn before I die).

Posted by: Monty at December 01, 2005 09:10 AM (UdJCa)

50 I say blog them!!! You can use another name and no one would ever know except you!!! Let others read them!! What's to lose???

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at December 01, 2005 09:38 AM (OSolv)

51 I say blog them!!! You can use another name and no one would ever know except you!!! Let others read them!! What's to lose???

His dignity.

His self respect.

His ability to maintain an erection.


Posted by: Michael at December 01, 2005 09:46 AM (ycKg/)

52 He is wearing a cross that leftist ACLU will be upset over this they will sue him to make him replace his cross with a cresent

Posted by: spurwing plover at December 01, 2005 11:46 AM (b1Fi6)

53 50 is so hot.

Posted by: Karol at December 01, 2005 12:07 PM (qmnPJ)

54 Wow. This guy's money is his to spend, but how 'bout kicking a little to a charity? F'n obscene.

Posted by: The Warden at December 01, 2005 01:34 PM (GZHMN)

55 What is up with all this jabber about some rish dude who chose to spend a mint on his kid? There are a lot more important issues in the world than a bunch of jealous individuals who have nothing better to do than dish on someone. I thought this had something to do with the guy who was sentence to die for raping and killing an eleven year old child. That was the link to this blog. What a waste of time and breath. Lets try easing up on the viciousness out there and give a bit of live and let live philosophy. Come on guys and gals lets get a bit serious here. If the dude wants to spend his money who are we to take jabs? It is his kid and his money after all. If he spoils her he has to deal with her the rest of his life, not us.

Posted by: Serenity at December 01, 2005 11:52 PM (YtIzh)

56 Yup! I think you are right. Its his life and whatever decision he'll take, no need to make hooblabooh...

Posted by: joshua wilson at December 02, 2005 04:16 AM (3AWjh)

57 wow that's cool, thanks for sharing.
Regards.

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Posted by: D߮W at June 10, 2010 12:25 PM (5lF0K)

59 Funny story from this period in my life: I had decided that I wanted to be a professional writer, and that I intended to major in English in college. I told my grandmother this -- a farm-wife nearly eighty years old who did not tolerate fools gladly -- and expected to get the standard trope about "following my dreams". thankss

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