January 31, 2014

Skydiver Knocked Unconscious By Accidental Blow to the Head Is Rescued in Freefall by Fellow Divers... The Drama All Captured by Helmet-Camera
— Ace

Sometimes I ask, "Is this something?"

I'm not asking that now. This is something.

One diver, named James Lee, was knocked out by a collision with another diver. His chute had to be deployed by hand (pull the ripcord, you know), so with Lee unconscious, that chute wasn't a life-saver. It was just deadweight on his back.

The other divers realize something's gone very wrong and free-glide over to him, to pull his ripcord themselves.

The video isn't really more than you might imagine-- the other divers glide over to him to pull his parachute. Yet, still compelling, as they hand-signal each other to coordinate the rescue. Apparently they had to get his body into safe orientation for deployment of the parachute (head up, feet down) and then pull the cord.

The most important thing that happened can't be captured by video: the other divers' internal realization that their unconscious friend was falling like a rag doll, not like a conscious man.

And the rescue maneuver was itself dangerous: as the knockout demonstrates, you don't want to collide with heavy bodies in freefall.

The unconscious diver did wake up from his knockout... as he approached the earth, parachute deployed.

Garrett:

In many ways, this is the story of Obama.

Posted by: Ace at 09:35 AM | Comments (645)
Post contains 253 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Barack Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a malignant traitor.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 09:36 AM (PYAXX)

2 It would be thing to me if I was the falling guy.

Posted by: blaster at January 31, 2014 09:36 AM (4+AaH)

3

Hey, fresh thread.

Posted by: Conservative Crank at January 31, 2014 09:36 AM (sQ0LB)

4 Unfortunately, my mind immediately juxtaposes this story with a happy ending with the tragic one from overnight.  So sad.

Posted by: Conservative Crank at January 31, 2014 09:37 AM (sQ0LB)

5

The unconscious diver did wake up from his knockout... as he approached the earth, parachute deployed.

 

Imagine if he woke up as he approached the ground, parachute NOT deployed.  And no time to pull the cord.

 

That.  Would.   SUCK.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 09:37 AM (4df7R)

6 If it was my ex, I say, let her fall.

Posted by: Misanthropic Humantiarian at January 31, 2014 09:38 AM (HVff2)

7 "If everything's OK, act like a rag doll."

Posted by: Bad Skydiving Signals at January 31, 2014 09:38 AM (RUvjp)

8 Which is why I'm adamantly opposed to jumping out of perfectly good airplanes.

Posted by: joncelli at January 31, 2014 09:39 AM (RD7QR)

9 Cool stuff. And, yeah, I'll label that under little-"h" heroism.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 09:39 AM (PYAXX)

10 Went back. Got the others.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 09:39 AM (cUARf)

11 I'm not terribly afraid of heights,   but    I am envious of those who find themselves seated in a perfectly good plane and decide to jump out of it for no     better reason than because it's a thrill. 

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 09:39 AM (4df7R)

12 It's good to have friends.

Posted by: Flatbush Joe at January 31, 2014 09:39 AM (ZPrif)

13 Saw this on the news yesterday. It was during a segment where some 16 year old girl from Texas was given a parachute jump as a birthday present from her parents. They had to go to OK for the jump cause you have to be 18 to jump in Texas I guess. She and her dad jumped. His chute opened, hers didn't. And she lived!

Posted by: JackStraw at January 31, 2014 09:40 AM (g1DWB)

14 FTS. Sky-diving, I mean.

Posted by: baldilocks at January 31, 2014 09:40 AM (36Rjy)

15 I've seen a similar video years ago. The rescuer just streamlined his body to go after the unconscious person. It was pretty spectacular.

Posted by: Judge Pug at January 31, 2014 09:41 AM (E4MKN)

16 I fell off my bike and my helmet-cam caught all the action.  The footage was incredible.

Posted by: Joe Biden at January 31, 2014 09:41 AM (8ZskC)

17 Imagine if he woke up as he approached the ground, parachute NOT deployed. And no time to pull the cord. Actually, from what I understand (I've never jumped out of a perfectly good airplane), it would suck ALMOST as much to wake up approaching the ground even with the 'chute deployed. Landing isn't as simple as just touching down (we've all seen the videos with the tuck-and-roll, and all of that). So waking up just as you were about to hit- even with the parachute deployed? Yeah. I'd need new underwear, even if I came through otherwise relatively unscathed.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 09:41 AM (PYAXX)

18 JackStraw, I saw a snippet of a segment on that.  I admit that one reason I doubt I would ever skydive is the fear that my 'chute would not open and I would have many, many seconds to ponder my imminent, painful but rapid demise as I smacked into the ground at 120+ MPH.

Posted by: Conservative Crank at January 31, 2014 09:41 AM (sQ0LB)

19 That. Would. SUCK.

Although not for very long.

Posted by: HR at January 31, 2014 09:41 AM (ZKzrr)

20 When I did skydive (once) we had a device that would automatically deploy the reserve if the barometric pressure changed too quickly, that is we were dropping too fast.  That was back in 88 (I think).

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 09:41 AM (hLRSq)

21 The unconscious diver did wake up from his knockout... as he approached the earth, parachute deployed. Imagine if he woke up as he approached the ground, parachute NOT deployed. And no time to pull the cord. I know who's buying the next few rounds!

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 09:42 AM (cUARf)

22 >>>The rescuer just streamlined his body to go after the unconscious person. It was pretty spectacular. it's called "freeflying" (as opposed to freefalling). Just a cool word I thought I'd lay on ya.

Posted by: ace at January 31, 2014 09:42 AM (/FnUH)

23 I have 4 jumps myself.  At first, you look at the ground and it seems very far away, but it comes up very quick. 


Yes, this is a thing.


Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 09:42 AM (GQ8sn)

24 I went skydiving once but it turned out that a parachute was unnecessary as long as my nostrils were pointed downward.

Posted by: Henry Waxman at January 31, 2014 09:42 AM (8ZskC)

25 "Divers"?

Posted by: NotCoach at January 31, 2014 09:43 AM (rsudF)

26

"He landed safely on the ground with no memory of the drama that had unfolded seconds before"

 

His friends should have not told him what happened and waited for him to watch his video and beshit himself.

Posted by: Frumious Bandersnatch at January 31, 2014 09:43 AM (A0sHn)

27 >>>"If everything's OK, act like a rag doll." if you understand what I'm saying, keep your eyes unfocused and vacant.

Posted by: ace at January 31, 2014 09:43 AM (/FnUH)

28

Never jumped out of a perfectly good airplane even though my uncle was the president of the American Skydiving Ass. many years ago. We'ed watch them practice out at Courtland and imagined what it would be like.

Being I was only 9 or 10 at the time I was not allowed to participate, still don't on the grounds that I want to be the first at the scene of the accident.

Posted by: Gmac at January 31, 2014 09:43 AM (4pjhs)

29 Pfft.  Done that.

Posted by: Ironman at January 31, 2014 09:43 AM (8ZskC)

30 I've tandem dived, once. The fella I jumped with had an altimeter device that would cause the chute to automatically deploy at a certain height if he had not already deployed. He said that it was in case my head flew back or if I freaked out at the last moment and somehow knocked him out. I would think something like that would be standard.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 31, 2014 09:43 AM (DmNpO)

31 Damn, slow day. Why not some cheerleaders from each SB team and a boob vote on the best? TRAFFIC!!

Posted by: nip sip at January 31, 2014 09:44 AM (0FSuD)

32 OK, skydivers. I've just never seen that kind of shorthand for skydivers.

Posted by: NotCoach at January 31, 2014 09:44 AM (rsudF)

33 Where does he get knocked unconscious?  I don't see any impact to the helmet.


Maybe he just passed out?

Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 09:44 AM (GQ8sn)

34

I saw a video on TV    at some point of this group of skydivers who jumped out of a plane IN THEIR CAR.  They had chutes; the car did not.   One of them got hit by the car in  midair.   How the hell do you file THAT insurance claim?    

 

"Um, I was hit by a car."

"Where    did this happen?"

"About   8000       feet    above Arizona."

 

And I still don't know how it can be legal to drop a car from the sky.  I mean a CAR.  Not a fake car; an actual CAR.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 09:44 AM (4df7R)

35 They had to go to OK for the jump cause you have to be 18 to jump in Texas I guess. She and her dad jumped. His chute opened, hers didn't. And she lived! I've been following that story- and she's really freaking lucky. The chute deployed (they were on one of those auto-line thingies so it opened as soon as she jumped), but got tangled. Then she either didn't or couldn't get the backup chute to deploy either. Somehow she not only survived but, despite a fractured spine, is already able to stand and walk a little (obviously with help and in great pain).

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 09:44 AM (PYAXX)

36 If you're consciously attempting to do the flappy leg thing, like that's the "Sky Art" you're working on, make your head loll drunkenly and make your skin turn white.

Posted by: ace at January 31, 2014 09:44 AM (/FnUH)

37 Terminal Velocity was a damn good movie, if you havent seen it, btw.

Posted by: soothsayer at January 31, 2014 09:44 AM (DEa3B)

38 PRO TIP: Never pull the red cord.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at January 31, 2014 09:44 AM (8ZskC)

39 Men of honor. God, I love 'em.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at January 31, 2014 09:44 AM (IXrOn)

40 If everything's ok, just do the Dead Man's Float to signal things are fine.

Posted by: Bad Lifeguard Advice at January 31, 2014 09:45 AM (ZPrif)

41 if you understand what I'm saying, keep your eyes unfocused and vacant.

I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign.

Thy will be done.
*scarf*

Posted by: Homer at January 31, 2014 09:45 AM (ZKzrr)

42 I have 4 jumps myself. At first, you look at the ground and it seems very far away, but it comes up very quick. Yes, this is a thing. Pro Tip: Gravity IS NOT your friend.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 09:45 AM (cUARf)

43

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 31, 2014 02:43 PM (DmNpO)

 

 

That's what I was talking about.

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 09:45 AM (hLRSq)

44 And I still don't know how it can be legal to drop a car from the sky. I mean a CAR. Not a fake car; an actual CAR.

This incident sounds like a combination of watching too much Mythbusters and lots of alcohol.

Posted by: Ian S. at January 31, 2014 09:45 AM (B/VB5)

45 if you understand what I'm saying, keep your eyes unfocused and vacant. "If you need assistance, pantomime Plato."

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 09:46 AM (PYAXX)

46 Posted by: JackStraw at January 31, 2014 02:40 PM (g1DWB) Actually her chute did partially deploy. In that scenario you dump the main chute and go to the reserve chute. The instructor that was supposed to make the jump with her didn't because he was in the plane with a person who got cold feet.

Posted by: LFW - Honorary Pointy-Eared Vulcan at January 31, 2014 09:46 AM (V40IZ)

47 >>I fell off my bike and my helmet-cam caught all the action. The footage was incredible. Posted by: Joe Biden You misspelled "Big Wheel".

Posted by: Aviator at January 31, 2014 09:46 AM (DI+ja)

48 Never jumped out of a perfectly good airplane even though my uncle was the president of the American Skydiving Ass. many years ago. We'ed watch them practice out at Courtland and imagined what it would be like. Being I was only 9 or 10 at the time I was not allowed to participate, still don't on the grounds that I want to be the first at the scene of the accident. I'd prefer to be second on the scene, the first one being........

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 09:46 AM (cUARf)

49 If you're consciously attempting to do the flappy leg thing, like that's the "Sky Art" you're working on, make your head loll drunkenly and make your skin turn white.


Do The Javelin.  Head down, feet up, body streamline as possible.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at January 31, 2014 09:46 AM (8ZskC)

50 >>>Terminal Velocity was a damn good movie, if you havent seen it, btw. pretty darned underrated movie. Lots of fun. Busy in the right way (lots happens, new premises are tossed in, but it all makes basic sense).

Posted by: ace at January 31, 2014 09:46 AM (/FnUH)

51 My brother loved skydiving.  He kept trying to talk me into it.  There ain't no way this gal is jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.  Base jumping, flying squirrel suits, bungee jumping, you can forget it.  The craziest thing I ever did was jump off a bridge into alligator infested bayou.  I barely hit the water before I was up and out. 

Posted by: no good deed at January 31, 2014 09:46 AM (vBhbc)

52 And I still don't know how it can be legal to drop a car from the sky. I mean a CAR. Not a fake car; an actual CAR. What are you some kind of RINO? Show me where that is illegal in the Constitution.

Posted by: blaster at January 31, 2014 09:47 AM (4+AaH)

53 That's what I was talking about. *** Aha! I just ctrl-f'd to your comment. Yes! And wouldn't you think that would be standard by now?

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 31, 2014 09:47 AM (DmNpO)

54 In before Milo Minderbender?

Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 09:47 AM (5z3cc)

55 If you're good to go, groan incoherently.

Posted by: More Bad Skydiving Communication at January 31, 2014 09:47 AM (/FnUH)

56 "At first, you look at the ground and it seems very far away, but it comes up very quick.
Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 02:42 PM"

Yes it does.  Funny, but my first thought in the door was that the DZ looked *awfully* close....

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at January 31, 2014 09:47 AM (wjJGE)

57 Hey, on the way down, pull my finger.

( *snortchucklecacklegrin* )

Posted by: Sherrif Joe Joe Biden [/i] [/b] at January 31, 2014 09:48 AM (cxs6V)

58

"I went skydiving once but it was a total gyp.     I ended up    diving     OUT of the sky, not INTO it."

 

-Joey Biden, waving around his sippy cup

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 09:48 AM (4df7R)

59 16 I fell off my bike and my helmet-cam caught all the action. The footage was incredible.

Posted by: Joe Biden at January 31, 2014 02:41 PM (8ZskC)


Same here, but the wagon, and on national television. *hic*

Posted by: John Boehner at January 31, 2014 09:48 AM (Kkt/i)

60 I decided once was enough because nature has a myriad of ways to kill me and  did not need my assistance.

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 09:48 AM (hLRSq)

61 Dave, this is no time to work on your Stephen Hawking impression!

Posted by: --- at January 31, 2014 09:48 AM (MMC8r)

62
That. Would. SUCK.










There's no such thing as gravity.

The earth sucks.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at January 31, 2014 09:48 AM (TIIx5)

63 Most of skydivers jump with an automatic activation device that deploys a parachute automatically at a certain altitude and decent rate. That said, you don't want that parachute deployment to occur when you are tumbling or on your back. This was pretty awesome.

Posted by: RD Walker at January 31, 2014 09:48 AM (ImpgP)

64 So, I dive into shipwrecks etc, but not considering skydiving.  Once you are out of the plane, you're committed.

Posted by: Vashta Nerada at January 31, 2014 09:48 AM (aq5Dc)

65 I decided once was enough because nature has a myriad of ways to kill me and did not need my assistance. Exactly. Outside is already trying to kill me, I have no desire to help it.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 09:48 AM (PYAXX)

66 In many ways, this is the story of Obama.

Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 09:49 AM (5z3cc)

67 I fell off my bike and my helmet-cam caught all the action. The footage was incredible.
Posted by: Joe Biden

You misspelled "Big Wheel".

Posted by: Aviator at January 31, 2014 02:46 PM (DI+ja)



I don't care who you are, that right there is fuckin' hilarious.

Posted by: grognard at January 31, 2014 09:49 AM (/29Nl)

68 If you aren't choking, hold your breath.

Posted by: Bad Lifeguard Advice at January 31, 2014 09:49 AM (ZPrif)

69 >>I went skydiving once but it turned out that a parachute was unnecessary as long as my nostrils were pointed downward. Posted by: Henry Waxman I would have thought the drag from those railroad tunnels would have induced an uncontrollable tumble.

Posted by: Aviator at January 31, 2014 09:49 AM (DI+ja)

70 I think 'tangonine' was a skydiving instructor or something.

Posted by: soothsayer at January 31, 2014 09:49 AM (DEa3B)

71 They still talk about my jump around the hangars.  No human had ever been heard to scream like that.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at January 31, 2014 09:49 AM (8ZskC)

72 And I still don't know how it can be legal to drop a car from the sky. I mean a CAR. Not a fake car; an actual CAR. This incident sounds like a combination of watching too much Mythbusters and lots of alcohol. *** Eh... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiAbcw5s9_8

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 31, 2014 09:49 AM (DmNpO)

73

So this is a thing.

 

  http://www.skydive.tv/skydiving-cars/
 

 

Note to self:   if I'm ever   in   Arizona, don't look up.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 09:49 AM (4df7R)

74 Hmmm, really makes you contemplate the safety of jumping out of a plane.

Posted by: mugiwara at January 31, 2014 09:50 AM (4CV8N)

75 I'm always amazed by a professional's cool and competence under "fire" or in dire emergencies or dangerous situations.

Good job folks!

Posted by: aquaviva at January 31, 2014 09:50 AM (wFinq)

76 And wouldn't you think that would be standard by now?

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 31, 2014 02:47 PM (DmNpO)

 

Absolutely.  Anything to keep you from becoming a meat-flavored lawn dart.

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 09:50 AM (hLRSq)

77 Yes it does. Funny, but my first thought in the door was that the DZ looked *awfully* close....

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at January 31, 2014 02:47 PM (wjJGE)



How high did you start?  I was at 12,000.


King Air Turboprop.

Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 09:50 AM (GQ8sn)

78 one really fun conceit of Terminal Velocity is the fact that the heroine keeps LYING to the hero about what is going on, and the poor hero is just dragged along by her deceit (and also, as he later admits, because "I thought I was going to get laid"). Like in the Falk/Arkin "The In Laws," where Peter Falk just keeps lying and getting Arkin in more danger and trouble. Except with a sexual/romantic element. It's a great dynamic they should do more often.

Posted by: ace at January 31, 2014 09:50 AM (/FnUH)

79 It was a miracle that they noticed, unless this guy was supposed to be in the base (the core of the linked free-fall formation). Even then.

Good on 'em.

Me, only 246 jumps, I intend to pick it up again someday.





Posted by: West at January 31, 2014 09:50 AM (1Rgee)

80 They still talk about my jump around the hangars. No human had ever been heard to scream like that. You made the Goofy "yaaa-hoo-hoo-hoo-eeee!" noise, didn't you?

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 09:50 AM (PYAXX)

81 Good thing the guy didn't need a tracheotomy.  They don't allow nail clippers on the plane.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at January 31, 2014 09:50 AM (8ZskC)

82 In many ways, this is the story of Obama.

Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 02:49 PM (5z3cc)

 

Close the thread.   We have a winner.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 09:50 AM (4df7R)

83 Drat you to heck, ace! My faith in humanity meter was humming along at a nice -117,216,293 or so and then you had to bump it up like four whole notches.

Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 09:50 AM (VtjlW)

84 24 I went skydiving once but it turned out that a parachute was unnecessary as long as my nostrils were pointed downward.
Posted by: Henry Waxman


I'll never forgive myself for what happened to that poor seagull lodged in my sinuses.

Posted by: Henry Waxman at January 31, 2014 09:51 AM (6TB1Z)

85 I have had a couple hundred jumps, and can testify that performing this took  great skill on the part of the rescuers.  Also, when I was in training, our parachutes had AADs (Automatic Activation Devices) which are barometrically (altitude) activated.  After training, not so much...

I almost always wore a helmet, not so much for landing, but for in-air collisions like these. 

Posted by: Bones at January 31, 2014 09:51 AM (48jYe)

86 "Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 02:50 PM"

1,200 ft.  At least I was getting paid for it.  LOL

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at January 31, 2014 09:51 AM (wjJGE)

87 >>> In many ways, this is the story of Obama. Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 02:49 PM (5z3cc) hhahahahahaa

Posted by: ace at January 31, 2014 09:51 AM (/FnUH)

88 I thought I'd lay on ya. No thanks, bro.

Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 09:51 AM (5z3cc)

89 Wow. I had a friend whose cousin was killed because he and a friend collided in mid air and were both knocked unconscious. Glad this story had a happy ending.

Posted by: Lauren at January 31, 2014 09:51 AM (hFL/3)

90 Oh, for those "perfectly good airplane"  comments - you never saw our airplane.


Posted by: West at January 31, 2014 09:51 AM (1Rgee)

91 >>JackStraw, I saw a snippet of a segment on that. I admit that one reason I doubt I would ever skydive is the fear that my 'chute would not open and I would have many, many seconds to ponder my imminent, painful but rapid demise as I smacked into the ground at 120+ MPH. Many moons ago I went with a bunch of friends to a sky diving place. I couldn't jump as I was on crutches with a sprained ankle but I went to watch. It was pretty low altitude thing, first jump for all. I remember listening to the instructor tell the guys how to deploy the emergency chute if their static line chute didn't open. Long story short it was a pretty involved process and my back of the napkin ciphering led me to believe that after realizing your main chute hadn't opened you would get that emergency chute open about 3 seconds after you hit the ground. Pass.

Posted by: JackStraw at January 31, 2014 09:51 AM (g1DWB)

92 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiAbcw5s9_8

Ahh, Top Gear.  They did a very similar stunt on Mythbusters, trying to reproduce a BMW ad.

Posted by: Ian S. at January 31, 2014 09:52 AM (B/VB5)

93 I have about 140 jumps and I always used an AAD. Never had it blow.

Posted by: RD Walker at January 31, 2014 09:52 AM (ImpgP)

94

"If your airway is clear, turn purple and pass out."

 

-Bad Heimlich   Maneuver    instructor advice

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 09:52 AM (4df7R)

95 If at first you don't succeed. Skydiving is not for you.

Posted by: Minnfidel at January 31, 2014 09:53 AM (/o+xv)

96 In many ways, this is the story of Obama.

See, we ARE heroes.  We pulled the chute.

Posted by: The GOP at January 31, 2014 09:53 AM (vBhbc)

97 So this is a thing.

http://www.skydive.tv/skydiving-cars/

Note to self: if I'm ever in Arizona, don't look up.


You get used to it.

Posted by: Blanco Basura at January 31, 2014 09:53 AM (4WhSY)

98 But was he ...COVERED?

Posted by: Barack Obama's Big, Gay Telethon! [/i] [/b] at January 31, 2014 09:53 AM (5ikDv)

99 In many ways, this is the story of Obama.

Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 02:49 PM (5z3cc)

Thread winner for the entire week, right there.

Posted by: Ian S. at January 31, 2014 09:53 AM (B/VB5)

100 Yeah, Sheen played it well. I think he let on he knew he was being zoomed when he mentioned her dog "Tripod." I dunno, it's been 16 years since I watched it.

Posted by: soothsayer at January 31, 2014 09:53 AM (DEa3B)

101 Yeah, and how about that guy that jumped out of a balloon at 128,000 ft. If his chute hadn't opened there would have been a brandy new crater in NM.

Posted by: LFW - Honorary Pointy-Eared Vulcan at January 31, 2014 09:53 AM (F26eZ)

102 Now, Republicans would tell you that we should just let this skydiver fall to his death.  My plan, however, is to create jobs by instituting a new Skydiving Safety Program, which will ensure every skydiver is accompanied by a team of highly trained government officials on every jump.  And the middle class.

Posted by: Barack Obama at January 31, 2014 09:54 AM (2jQGY)

103 I would have just let him die.  Do you know how expensive medical care can be for a head injury?

Posted by: Barack Hussein Obama, Compassionate Socialist at January 31, 2014 09:54 AM (tv7DV)

104 If your blood sugar is fine, become weak and tremble a bit.

Posted by: Bad School Nurse Advice at January 31, 2014 09:54 AM (ZPrif)

105 I sense a new meme. Bad X Advice. "If you're okay, writhe uncontrollably on the floor." -Bad Epilepsy Advice

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 09:54 AM (PYAXX)

106 I saw Bad Heimlich Maneuver open for Bad Company in '79...

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at January 31, 2014 09:54 AM (wjJGE)

107 That's amazing.  It's good to have good friends.

Posted by: LoneStarHeeb at January 31, 2014 09:54 AM (BZAd3)

108 Wasn't BIRD ON A WIRE like that?

Posted by: soothsayer at January 31, 2014 09:55 AM (DEa3B)

109
And I still don't know how it can be legal to drop a car from the sky. I mean a CAR. Not a fake car; an actual CAR.

This incident sounds like a combination of watching too much Mythbusters and lots of alcohol.





It's those damned Illinois Nazis. I hate those guys.


http://tinyurl.com/ma38shk

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at January 31, 2014 09:55 AM (TIIx5)

110 I'm still laughing at the "story of Obama."  I'm going to get fired, garrett, damn you to heck.

Posted by: grognard at January 31, 2014 09:55 AM (/29Nl)

111 The guy that opens the other guys chute looks like he's initially saying, "Hey...call me." And that video made me nauseous.

Posted by: [/i][/b][/u][/s] Tami at January 31, 2014 09:55 AM (bCEmE)

112 No  skydiving video compares  to the one where the helmet-cam guy mistakenly  jumps out of the plane without his parachute.  Frantic arm waving.....and then  it looks like he just accepts it and rides it down. 

Posted by: Soona at January 31, 2014 09:55 AM (BkpOh)

113 If at first you don't succeed. Skydiving is not for you. If at first you don't succeed, um, nevermind.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 09:55 AM (cUARf)

114 Pro Tip: Gravity IS NOT your friend. Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 02:45 PM (cUARf) *glances down at The Rack* *ponders the various and sundry structural engineering techniques used in the construction of my brassiere* Yeah. Tell me about it.

Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 09:55 AM (VtjlW)

115 And the middle class.

Posted by: Barack Obama at January 31, 2014 02:54 PM (2jQGY)

 

 

There will be no parachutes for the middle class.

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 09:56 AM (hLRSq)

116 No automatic openers when doing relative work (linking up with others). Too much turbulence that could make the device go off, and believe me, you don't want someone else's chute being deployed in your face.


Posted by: West at January 31, 2014 09:56 AM (1Rgee)

117 If you're okay, clutch your chest and fall over.

Posted by: Bad Coronary Advice at January 31, 2014 09:56 AM (PYAXX)

118 And I still don't know how it can be legal to drop a car from the sky. I mean a CAR. Not a fake car; an actual CAR. Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at January 31, 2014 02:44 PM ................And for a further injustice. We talked about this on the morning dump. A local beer company was going to deliver beer to your ice fishing house via a DRONE! using GPS. The FAA got wind of it (no pun intended) and they said NO! Freaking killjoy's. Give me drone delivered beer to my ice house or give me death!

Posted by: Minnfidel at January 31, 2014 09:56 AM (/o+xv)

119 I sense a new meme. Bad X Advice.

If you're a racist who hates blacks, adopt a household full of them and give them a loving family in which to grow up. 

Posted by: pep at January 31, 2014 09:56 AM (6TB1Z)

120 If you're an alcoholic and you need help, let me know you're ready to take control of your life by denying you have a problem.

Posted by: Bad AA Advice at January 31, 2014 09:56 AM (/FnUH)

121

"If your anaphylaxis is under control,    break out in hives and    swell your trachea   till you can't breathe.  Then pass out."

 

-Bad allergy advice

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 09:57 AM (4df7R)

122 Remember the Alamo!

Posted by: John Wayne at January 31, 2014 09:57 AM (8ZskC)

123 one really fun conceit of Terminal Velocity is the fact that the heroine keeps LYING to the hero about what is going on, and the poor hero is just dragged along by her deceit (and also, as he later admits, because "I thought I was going to get laid").

It's Charlie Sheen's normal life vs. acting + Natasja Kinski


Posted by: DaveA[/i][/b][/s] at January 31, 2014 09:57 AM (DL2i+)

124 Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 02:55 PM (VtjlW) This comment demands pics.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 09:57 AM (PYAXX)

125 Having jumped before out of a rickety Twin Otter and an annnnncient DC-3 older than my elderly father, I'd like to state for the record that the cliche "I would never jump out of a perfectly good airplane" fails to recognize that you often jump out of perfectly awful airplanes.

Trust me, on some of the jumps, I couldn't get to the door fast enough...

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at January 31, 2014 09:57 AM (issUS)

126 *glances down at The Rack* Well, we've lost AtC for the next half hour or so...

Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 09:57 AM (5z3cc)

127 The rural Iowa drop zone where I did my jumping had a Cessna 182 and a farmer for a pilot on weekends. We didn't do mass jumps. :-)

Posted by: RD Walker at January 31, 2014 09:57 AM (ImpgP)

128 and believe me, you don't want someone else's chute being deployed in your face.

Posted by: West


To each his own, sister!

Posted by: Sandra Fluke [/i] [/b] at January 31, 2014 09:57 AM (cxs6V)

129 It will help your recovery if you adopt a defensive, defiant tone, and maybe stormed right out of this intervention. That shows self-mastery.

Posted by: Bad AA Advice at January 31, 2014 09:57 AM (/FnUH)

130 *glances down at The Rack*

*ponders the various and sundry structural engineering techniques used in the construction of my brassiere*

Yeah. Tell me about it.

Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 02:55 PM (VtjlW)

 

 

*blinks several times*

 

Please continue....

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 09:58 AM (hLRSq)

131 I thought the MythBusters thing was an Audi ad?  I could be wrong though.

Posted by: Conservative Crank at January 31, 2014 09:58 AM (sQ0LB)

132 It's those damned Illinois Nazis. I hate those guys. http://tinyurl.com/ma38shk Posted by: IllTemperedCur at January 31, 2014 02:55 PM I've always loved you.....

Posted by: Nazi in the Red Pinto at January 31, 2014 09:58 AM (/o+xv)

133 114 Pro Tip: Gravity IS NOT your friend. Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 02:45 PM (cUARf) *glances down at The Rack* *ponders the various and sundry structural engineering techniques used in the construction of my brassiere* Yeah. Tell me about it. Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 02:55 PM (VtjlW) Pics or it hasn't happened

Posted by: Misanthropic Humantiarian at January 31, 2014 09:58 AM (HVff2)

134

*glances down at The Rack*


*ponders the various and sundry structural engineering techniques used in the construction of my brassiere*



Yeah. Tell me about it.

 

Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 02:55 PM (VtjlW

 

 

*fistbump of solidarity*   Werd.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 09:58 AM (4df7R)

135 Damn, some of you guys are pretty funny. Some of my cow-workers are wondering what I'm chuckling at.

Posted by: LFW - Honorary Pointy-Eared Vulcan at January 31, 2014 09:58 AM (+hPIb)

136 Sure, entering all of your W-2s is optional.

Posted by: Bad Tax Advice at January 31, 2014 09:58 AM (PYAXX)

137 When you hear the sirens, make sure you get outside as quickly as possible.

Posted by: Bad Tornado Advice at January 31, 2014 09:59 AM (PYAXX)

138 Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 02:55 PM (VtjlW)

=====================

I could stand to hear some more.

Posted by: physics geek at January 31, 2014 09:59 AM (MT22W)

139

"When you're ready to    give up cigarettes,  come find me.   I'll be out having a smoke."

 

-Bad  tobacco cessation advice

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 09:59 AM (4df7R)

140

While in the Army, I jumped static line from 800 feet at night from a C130 or C141 with a 120 lbs of parachute, rucksack, weapon, and assorted other gear, and I did it dozens of times without serious injury. Lucky me, because many of my buddies did get hurt on jumps, some of them badly hurt.

 

But no, I haven't had a burning, yearning urge to jump from airplanes since I've been out of the Service. I was single then, for one thing, beholden to nobody but myself: no wife, no kids, no responsibilities to others. I was also young, which meant I felt myself immortal, invincible, unbeatable. It was exciting too, and I loved the rush.

 

None of those things apply now. Perspectives and priorities change. I happen to like my boring, ordinary life and want to keep it if I can. Besides, I don't want my now-adult kids standing over my grave, shaking their heads, going, 'What a dumbass.'

Posted by: troyriser at January 31, 2014 10:00 AM (V9ol4)

141 Pilot: Dave, why are jumping out of my plane?? Dave at Garfield Ridge: IT'S OLLLLDDDDD!!!

Posted by: soothsayer at January 31, 2014 10:00 AM (DEa3B)

142 What do you mean 'accidentally' got knocked in the head?

Posted by: The Cat at January 31, 2014 10:00 AM (wcLJG)

143 Rack??  Did someone say Rack?




Posted by: Muad'dib at January 31, 2014 10:00 AM (KjlbF)

144 If you did that the Army you would get a medal from the Col, and an ass kicking from your first sergeant.

Posted by: Jean at January 31, 2014 10:00 AM (4JkHl)

145 If you're a racist who hates blacks, adopt a household full of them and give them a loving family in which to grow up.

Posted by: pep at January 31, 2014 02:56 PM (6TB1Z)

 

BOOM.

 

Should be subtitled, "Bad Racist advice."

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:00 AM (4df7R)

146 If you're not feeling well, nothing works like banging cymbals right beside your head.

Posted by: Bad Migraine Advice at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (PYAXX)

147 Some mood music:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2z0LoC7sh2s

Posted by: Smash'em at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (7WWu1)

148

That grizzly bear wants to be your friend, see?  He wants to give you a hug.

 

 

-Bad wilderness Advice

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (hLRSq)

149 Dave at Garfield Ridge

Jumped out of an ancient twin Beechcraft many times. Cargo door. Awesome.


Posted by: West at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (1Rgee)

150 "Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 02:55 PM (VtjlW

*fistbump of solidarity* Werd.
Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at January 31, 2014 02:58 PM"



*sidles over* 

How *you* doin'?

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (wjJGE)

151 Be sure to let the rest of the passengers know, in no uncertain terms, that this is a non-smoking flight and violators will be shot.

Posted by: Bad Air Travel Advice at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (/29Nl)

152 This was a bad thread to read at work. I'm just getting over a cold and trying to suppress laughter makes the people around me think I'm choking to death and so they come running to help me.

Posted by: physics geek at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (MT22W)

153 There goes productive Friday....

Posted by: Muad'dib at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (KjlbF)

154 Don't worry about the fact that illegal immigrants say they'd vote 80% against you, give em Amnesty anyway. Sure, we'll lose the marginal vote, but we'll make it up on volume!

Posted by: Bad Political Advice at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (ZPrif)

155 Yep, I did three years in the 82nd myself paratrooper and jumpmaster. My skydiving was right after that. I haven't put my knees in the breeze for 20 years.

Posted by: RD Walker at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (ImpgP)

156

Where's Nearsider?   As I recall,    he said that jumping out of a plane was fine, but out of a helicopter sucked ass.      Or the other way around.   *head tilt*     Crap, i can't remember.

 

*goes to find Nearsider in the basement*

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:01 AM (4df7R)

157 Besides, I don't want my now-adult kids standing over my grave, shaking their heads, going, 'What a dumbass.' One of the rules in the Tenther household: "Don't die in a way that would make the Valkyries giggle."

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 10:02 AM (PYAXX)

158 "Posted by: troyriser at January 31, 2014 03:00 PM"

Amen, brother.

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at January 31, 2014 10:02 AM (wjJGE)

159 The safest place to store a gun is on a playground or in a bag of candy. 

Posted by: Bad Gun Safety Advice at January 31, 2014 10:02 AM (vBhbc)

160 If you're gonna talk about your rack, be sure to provide photo illustrations.

Posted by: Bad Internet Advice at January 31, 2014 10:02 AM (/29Nl)

161 PRO TIP: In an air raid, try to spot the incoming bombers using a powerful flashlight.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at January 31, 2014 10:02 AM (8ZskC)

162 If you are ready to surrender, just suddenly point your gun at one of the police officers.

Posted by: Bad Criminal Advice at January 31, 2014 10:02 AM (ZPrif)

163 115 And the middle class.
Posted by: Barack Obama at January 31, 2014 02:54 PM (2jQGY)


There will be no parachutes for the middle class.




If you like your parachute, you can keep your parachute.

Posted by: Barack Obama at January 31, 2014 10:02 AM (2jQGY)

164

Posted by: Jean at January 31, 2014 03:00 PM (4JkHl)

 

 

And probably the hangover of the decade from your new best buddy.

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:02 AM (hLRSq)

165 Yeah. Tell me about it.

Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 02:55 PM (VtjlW)


Find someone to hold them up for you!




Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 10:03 AM (GQ8sn)

166 For maximum profit, nothing beats giving a random Nigerian your bank account number and social security number.

Posted by: Bad Financial Advice at January 31, 2014 10:03 AM (PYAXX)

167 >Find someone to hold them up for you!


Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 03:03 PM (GQ8sn)<



I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!!!

Posted by: Muad'dib at January 31, 2014 10:03 AM (KjlbF)

168

"When partaking of autoerotic asphyxiation,    you'll know you're doing it right when you black out."

 

-Bad David Carradine advice

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:03 AM (4df7R)

169 I had to jump out of old Chinooks - I was glad to out of that thing.

Posted by: Jean at January 31, 2014 10:03 AM (4JkHl)

170 Where's Nearsider? As I recall, he said that jumping out of a plane was fine, but out of a helicopter sucked ass. Or the other way around. *head tilt* Crap, i can't remember.

*goes to find Nearsider in the basement*

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at January 31, 2014 03:01 PM (4df7R)



Better check those knots.  He's been wandering all over the threads.



Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 10:04 AM (GQ8sn)

171 I'm not a skydiver but I would think that even if the guy had the auto deploy safety feature the proper thing to do would be to straighten him out and open the chute yourself. That way you know he is in a safe position when the chute opens, he will have more time to recover and regain his senses before he lands and so you don't have to worry about his chute going off in your face--or vice versa (cause if he has a safety you probably have one too).

Posted by: the guy that moves pianos for a living... at January 31, 2014 10:04 AM (P/gm7)

172 When your opponent's signature achievement is a stuttering clusterfuck, be sure to give his another one to replace it.

Posted by: Bad Political Advice at January 31, 2014 10:04 AM (/29Nl)

173 Knives are at their sharpest when covered in dirt and grime.

Posted by: Bad Food-Prep Advice at January 31, 2014 10:04 AM (PYAXX)

174 PRO TIP: A small creme brulee torch doubles as an excellent tool to locate a gas leak.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at January 31, 2014 10:04 AM (8ZskC)

175 For maximum profit, nothing beats giving a random Nigerian your bank account number and social security number.

 

Posted by: Bad Financial Advice at January 31, 2014 03:03 PM (PYAXX)

 

 

Though if that Nigerian is our own chique d'afrique, you're probably    in better shape than you'd expect!

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:04 AM (4df7R)

176 I want you to meet my friend, Bernie Madoff.

Posted by: Bad Investment Tip at January 31, 2014 10:04 AM (Kkt/i)

177 137 When you hear the sirens, make sure you get outside as quickly as possible. Posted by: Bad Tornado Advice at January 31, 2014 02:59 PM (PYAXX) This is my husband's reaction to tornado sirens. I'm hunkered in the closet with the dogs and I hear wafting in from outside, "Heeeeeey, the sky is really green out here!"

Posted by: DangerGirl at January 31, 2014 10:05 AM (A9hpr)

178 I really liked the meat flavored lawn dart part. I'm still choking up coffee

Posted by: LFW - Honorary Pointy-Eared Vulcan at January 31, 2014 10:05 AM (+hPIb)

179 Taxes are, surprisingly, mostly voluntary.

Posted by: Bad Tax Advice at January 31, 2014 10:05 AM (ZPrif)

180 Damn Garrett. That was excellent! Ace, get the man some ampersands.

Posted by: L, elle at January 31, 2014 10:05 AM (0xqKe)

181 Be sure to enter all your personal information into a non secure government site.

Posted by: Bad Health Care Advice at January 31, 2014 10:05 AM (hFL/3)

182 Better check those knots. He's been wandering all over the threads.

Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 03:04 PM (GQ8sn)

 

I know!   And he keeps complaining and saying that he needs    food and water.  Pfft!     

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:06 AM (4df7R)

183 Yeah. Tell me about it. Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 02:55 PM (VtjlW) Find someone to hold them up for you! Posted by: EC Bad rookie advice.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 10:06 AM (cUARf)

184 Leading up to those real special moments, nothing beats a meal heavy on broccoli and onions.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:06 AM (PYAXX)

185 For maximum profit, nothing beats giving a random Nigerian your bank account number and social security number. Posted by: Bad Financial Advice at January 31, 2014 03:03 PM What? Oh now you tell me. Damn. I can't believe..oooh gotta go, snack and nappy time!

Posted by: Joe Biden at January 31, 2014 10:06 AM (/o+xv)

186 People in Chicago love it when you ask them if Jesus is their personal saviour while riding the El.

Posted by: Bad Transit Advice at January 31, 2014 10:06 AM (/29Nl)

187 The best thing for a muddled economic recovery is a higher minimum wage and legal status for 20 million new workers.

Posted by: Bad Economic Advice [/i] [/b] at January 31, 2014 10:07 AM (cxs6V)

188 Obama has accomplished much. http://bit.ly/1ihCcjG

Posted by: MTF at January 31, 2014 10:07 AM (F58x4)

189 Your small boat travels better over choppy water; watch for storms so you can use them to help you make the best time.

Posted by: Bad Boating Advice at January 31, 2014 10:07 AM (PYAXX)

190 In many ways, this is the story of Obama. Wold it be heartless to say that I'd like to see if he's capable of a substantial bounce after making contact with the ground?

Posted by: Blacque Jacques Shellacque at January 31, 2014 10:07 AM (itCai)

191 That goes double for Bostonians on the T.

Posted by: Bad Transit Advice at January 31, 2014 10:07 AM (hFL/3)

192 That can of beans with the bulging sides is probably just fine.

Posted by: Bad Prepper Advice at January 31, 2014 10:07 AM (/29Nl)

193 Anthony Weiner had it right.

Posted by: Bad Texting Advice at January 31, 2014 10:08 AM (PYAXX)

194 Now is the time to push for Amnesty!

Posted by: Bad Political Advice at January 31, 2014 10:08 AM (Kkt/i)

195 Wold it be heartless to say that I'd like to see if he's capable of a substantial bounce after making contact with the ground? Posted by: Blacque Jacques Shellacque at January 31, 2014 03:07 PM ...........................................Well. As Yukon Cornelius said..... "Bumbles Bounce"!

Posted by: Minnfidel at January 31, 2014 10:08 AM (/o+xv)

196 I can't believe nobody else had posted that yet.

Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 10:08 AM (5z3cc)

197 If you weapon fails to fire, look down the front of the barrel to ensure there are no obstructions.

Posted by: Bad Shooting Advice at January 31, 2014 10:09 AM (PYAXX)

198 It's important to swim against the tide. Never back down from the tide. The tide can smell fear.

Posted by: Bad Lifeguard Advice at January 31, 2014 10:09 AM (ZPrif)

199

"While in the process of trying to    apprehend  violent   Mexican    drug cartel members, make sure to sell them guns that have no kind of tracking device, and then don't    attempt to interdict them at the border."

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:09 AM (4df7R)

200 "I know! And he keeps complaining and saying that he needs food and water. Pfft! Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at January 31, 2014 03:06 PM"


At least he has the FSS to keep him company.  You'd think he'd be saying 'thank you.'

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at January 31, 2014 10:09 AM (wjJGE)

201 >>"Don't die in a way that would make the Valkyries giggle." Horrible Histories "Stupid Deaths": http://youtu.be/SbeozXrw4E4

Posted by: Mama AJ at January 31, 2014 10:09 AM (SUKHu)

202 Let's take your brother's car.  Nothing will happen to it.

Posted by: Bad Fraternity Advice at January 31, 2014 10:09 AM (/29Nl)

203 Posted by: JackStraw at January 31, 2014 02:40 PM (g1DWB) ----------- Why no, no it wouldn't. I'd actually like to see that my own darn self. We could take bets as to whether he bounces or just splatters like any other normal POS.

Posted by: LFW - Honorary Pointy-Eared Vulcan at January 31, 2014 10:10 AM (F26eZ)

204 Leading up to those real special moments, nothing beats a meal heavy on broccoli and onions. Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice

And be sure to drink all three 16 oz glasses of your Suprep Bowel Prep Kit an hour before it starts. 


Yes, I had a colonoscopy today, why do you ask?

Posted by: pep at January 31, 2014 10:10 AM (6TB1Z)

205 Really when it comes down to it, all a man needs is a couch, a horse, or a toaster.

Posted by: Bad Love Advice [/i] [/b] at January 31, 2014 10:10 AM (cxs6V)

206 If you weapon fails to fire, look down the front of the barrel to ensure there are no obstructions. Posted by: Bad Shooting Advice Al Gore's advice.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 10:10 AM (cUARf)

207 Make sure to build your fire nice and high immediately before retiring to your sleeping-bag.

Posted by: Bad Camping Advice at January 31, 2014 10:10 AM (PYAXX)

208 This is my husband's reaction to tornado sirens. I'm hunkered in the closet with the dogs and I hear wafting in from outside, "Heeeeeey, the sky is really green out here!" My girlfriend was in Dallas for a year (for tax reasons) and was warned that when the sky turns green, seek shelter. Even given the warning, she was amazed at just how green the sky became. I haven’t seen it yet. I’ll probably be out there with your husband.

Posted by: Paid for by Citizens for Clyde the Orangutan at January 31, 2014 10:10 AM (QF8uk)

209

If an electrical device is emitting smoke  it is overheating;   pour water on it to cool it down.

 

 

-Bad Emergency Advice

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:10 AM (hLRSq)

210 At least he has the FSS to keep him company. You'd think he'd be saying 'thank you.'

 

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at January 31, 2014 03:09 PM (wjJGE)

 

 

See?   You understand!

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:11 AM (4df7R)

211 Ask her at least once a day if "everything is ok with our relationship."

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:11 AM (hFL/3)

212 Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Posted by: Bad Career Advice at January 31, 2014 10:11 AM (Kkt/i)

213 204  Colonoscopies are wonderful things.  One of them saved my life.

Posted by: MAx at January 31, 2014 10:11 AM (b7yum)

214 If you wake up to find that your house is on fire, don't leave the structure without taking your valuable knives, cookware and small appliances.

Posted by: Bad Homeowners Advice at January 31, 2014 10:11 AM (8ZskC)

215 Wendy Davis passes on a "Budd Dwyer" moment

Posted by: Dr. Josef Mengele at January 31, 2014 10:12 AM (e8kgV)

216 The trick to icy roads is to get off of them as quickly as possible; make sure you keep the accelerator floored as long as possible.

Posted by: Bad Driving Advice at January 31, 2014 10:12 AM (PYAXX)

217 If you weapon fails to fire, look down the front of the barrel to ensure there are no obstructions.
Posted by: Bad Shooting Advice


Al Gore's advice.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 03:10 PM (cUARf)



Polish inspection arms.



Disclosure, my FIL is Polish and he laughs at all of them.

Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 10:12 AM (GQ8sn)

218 To add to the parachute stories...my Dad was a Korea-era paratrooper, loved it.  When he found a small airport that offered static line jumps (in the late 70's, early 80's), he signed my brother and one of his friends to jump with him.  After they landed, my brother's friend commented that, by the way, it was his first time EVER in an airplane.  And he jumped.

On my bucket list, but with a tandem.  Don't think I could do it by myself...

Posted by: DishofRed at January 31, 2014 10:12 AM (Dmq63)

219 If he wants to make a sex tape that's only for him, I say go for it. You only live once and trust is an important component in any relationship.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:12 AM (5z3cc)

220 "Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at January 31, 2014 03:11 PM"

*fistbump*

New England 'rons and 'ettes gotta stick together. 

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at January 31, 2014 10:12 AM (wjJGE)

221 If someone breaks in and is about to kill you. Fire off both barrels into the air so when he attacks and kills you, you've at least scared him a little. Oooh snack time!

Posted by: Joe Biden's Self Defense Advice at January 31, 2014 10:12 AM (/o+xv)

222 Then, there is this. 16 year-old injured on first jump. http://tinyurl.com/kpun84u Note: "The girl's parents agreed to let her perform the jump, but her father, Joe Wethington, now says the skydiving company shouldn't have allowed it. (My emphasis) So much for parental responsibility. Easier to blame someone else's bad judgement.

Posted by: █ Mike Hammer at January 31, 2014 10:12 AM (aDwsi)

223 You don't need protection if she smells clean down there

Posted by: Bad sex advice at January 31, 2014 10:13 AM (027eb)

224

If you chance upon and odd container that is leaking fluids, feel, smell, and taste the fluid so you can tell people what it is.

 

 

-Stuff you will never read in the Emergency Response Guidebook

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:13 AM (hLRSq)

225 If you think someone is about to rob your house, fire your shotgun through the front door.

Posted by: VP Joe Biden Advice Tips LLC at January 31, 2014 10:13 AM (A9hpr)

226 Amazing video - amazing story.



I wish we could always save our friends.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 31, 2014 10:13 AM (P6QsQ)

227 Electrical appliance repairs can be aggravating. Avoid undue stress by performing them while relaxing in a hot bathtub.

Posted by: Bad Homeowners Advice at January 31, 2014 10:13 AM (8ZskC)

228 My girlfriend was in Dallas for a year (for tax reasons) and was warned that when the sky turns green, seek shelter. Even given the warning, she was amazed at just how green the sky became. Wall Cloud. Sky looks like ocean green.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 10:13 AM (cUARf)

229 When in peril,
when in doubt,
run in circles,
scream and shout.

Posted by: Bad Disaster Advice at January 31, 2014 10:13 AM (Kkt/i)

230

...more interesting in the description than in the actual viewing.

 

Posted by: doug at January 31, 2014 10:13 AM (Lf1Ga)

231

"Ignore    pedestrian   right-of -ways.   The fuckers can dodge."

 

-Bad driving advice

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:13 AM (4df7R)

232 *fistbump of solidarity* Werd. Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at January 31, 2014 02:58 PM (4df7R) I knew you'd understand.

Posted by: alexthechick - Please SMOD. Just for me? at January 31, 2014 10:13 AM (VtjlW)

233 If a little credit card debt is good for your credit score, think what a lot of credit card debt will do!

Posted by: Bad Financial Advice at January 31, 2014 10:14 AM (PYAXX)

234 Nice!  Garret gets the front page nod.

Posted by: flounder at January 31, 2014 10:14 AM (Kkt/i)

235 Always get the extended warranty.

Posted by: Bad Electronics Advice at January 31, 2014 10:14 AM (VjL9S)

236 One of the officers I served with collided with another soldier during a jump.  He ended up landing on the guy after one of the chutes collapsed and the two became entangled.  He survived, the other soldier did not.

Posted by: Colorado Alex at January 31, 2014 10:14 AM (lr3d7)

237 Women like grand displays of affection. Propose on the first date. It shows spontaneity and fun!

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:14 AM (hFL/3)

238 I had to jump out of old Chinooks - I was glad to out of that thing.

Posted by: Jean at January 31, 2014 03:03 PM (4JkHl)

 

 

------------------------------------------------

 

 

Ah, the Shithook.  The noisiest, loudest aircraft  in aviation  history.  I laugh when I see movies of people on  Chinook talking in conversational voices. 

 

Our platoon rules  were that all instructions and orders were given before it  the that machine arrived.  Because there was no way any kind of verbal communication could be given  riding in it.

Posted by: Soona at January 31, 2014 10:14 AM (BkpOh)

239 I wish we could always save our friends. Amen.

Posted by: soothsayer at January 31, 2014 10:14 AM (DEa3B)

240

A sex tape made early on in the relationship is the foundation of a lifetime commitment

h/t 219

Posted by: MAx at January 31, 2014 10:14 AM (b7yum)

241 Even though you get the tip close to her butt and she says no. All women love it in the butt, go ahead.

Posted by: Bad Sex Advice at January 31, 2014 10:15 AM (/o+xv)

242 My girlfriend was in Dallas for a year (for tax reasons) and was warned that when the sky turns green, seek shelter. Even given the warning, she was amazed at just how green the sky became.

Green skies indicate hail production, for the record.  So it's not a great idea to gape at them unless you have bare minimum a good hard-hat on.

Posted by: Ian S. at January 31, 2014 10:15 AM (B/VB5)

243 Like a fine wine, blogging software is better aged.

Posted by: Bad Blogging Advice [/i] [/b] at January 31, 2014 10:15 AM (cxs6V)

244 To make sure that the locals give you the best deals when travelling, be sure to identify yourself as American to everyone you meet.

Posted by: Bad Travel Advice at January 31, 2014 10:15 AM (/29Nl)

245 Church is the best place to launder money.


Posted by: EC at January 31, 2014 10:15 AM (GQ8sn)

246 If you're running low on gas, speed up in order to get the gas station sooner.

Posted by: Bad fuel mileage advice at January 31, 2014 10:15 AM (aDwsi)

247 if you see a large fin, go towards it splashing about as much as possible.

Posted by: Bad Swimming Advice at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (A9hpr)

248 If he wants to make a sex tape that's only for him

Does anyone still use tape?

Posted by: HR at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (ZKzrr)

249 To *really* spice things up, invite a random drifter to engage in Satanic-sacrifice-rape-murder.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (PYAXX)

250 When you hear a strange noise, go investigate. You won't need a weapon.

Posted by: Bad Horror Movie Advice at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (VjL9S)

251 Yes, the residents of the Middle East are very fond of colorful male displays.  You should definitely wear the boa and chaps. 

Posted by: Bad International Relations Advice at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (6TB1Z)

252 If a Kennedy tells you he's OK to drive, feel free to let him drive you home.

Posted by: Bad safety advice at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (SY2Kh)

253 If camping with AtC, pack her sleeping bag with the biggest spiders you can find She'll laugh and laugh...

Posted by: Bad survival advice at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (027eb)

254 It's good to be honest and tell her that her butt looks big in those jeans.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (Kkt/i)

255

A young relationship is always given a bit of spice by adding     a third party    drifter into the mix, especially if one is in     Italy

Posted by: Vashta Nerada at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (aq5Dc)

256 Crying after sex shows sensitivity and that you are in touch with your feelings.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (hFL/3)

257 "Ah, the Shithook. The noisiest, loudest aircraft in aviation history. I laugh when I see movies of people on Chinook talking in conversational voices. "
Reminds me of guys in a gunfight talking to each other, or chatting while riding their motorcycles. Uh, those writers and directors have no real world experience with this stuff at all, do they?

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at January 31, 2014 10:16 AM (zfY+H)

258 You don't need protection if she smells clean down there. That's awesome! *sniff sniff* What are you doing? Trying to figure out if I need a condom or not. *sniff* Hey, you kicked my head!

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b][/s][/s] at January 31, 2014 10:17 AM (A0glY)

259 When she says that everything is 'Fine', you are in the clear.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:17 AM (5z3cc)

260 90 Oh, for those "perfectly good airplane" comments - you never saw our airplane.


Posted by: West

 

Actually, the craptastic 170's that barely would start or were notorious hanger queens till the weekends? Ya, they actually pooled cash and bought one. It was not a pretty plane but it would get them high enough in the air to jump.

We were forbiden from even riding in it, by mom of course.

Years later I look back on that stuff and they really were crazy. Repacking on a tarp on the ground, rubber bands everywhere and alcohol being liberally consumed.

Posted by: Gmac at January 31, 2014 10:17 AM (4pjhs)

261 When your Ambassador in an unstable    North   African, Islamist country requests more security because of a surge in Al Qaeda presence, it is best to deny those requests and hand over greater responsibility to local forces.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:17 AM (4df7R)

262 You should try and be the first one to have sex. Try to sneak off far away from the others first.

Posted by: Bad Horror Movie Advice at January 31, 2014 10:17 AM (VjL9S)

263

Posted by: VP Joe Biden Advice Tips LLC at January 31, 2014 03:13 PM (A9hpr)

 

 

It is hard to parody Joe Biden giving bad advice because the reality is so much worse than imagination can come up with.

 

 

Hey - maybe we should turn these into "Advice From Joe:  The Wit And Wisdom Of Joe Biden."

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:17 AM (hLRSq)

264 obama's State Dept releases their findings on Keystone Pipeline It looks like it's getting a green light. Ya'rly.

Posted by: soothsayer at January 31, 2014 10:17 AM (DEa3B)

265 Never say what you really want with a man, hint around. He loves it, and will think you mysterious and sexy.

Posted by: Bad relationship advice at January 31, 2014 10:17 AM (zfY+H)

266 If one wants to be understood, before the english that the good.

Posted by: Soona at January 31, 2014 10:18 AM (BkpOh)

267 Sandblasters are approved for indoor use.

Posted by: Bad Cleaning Advice at January 31, 2014 10:18 AM (PYAXX)

268 You have to tell the truth if they ask if you're a cop.

Posted by: Bad Undercover Advice at January 31, 2014 10:18 AM (VjL9S)

269 Statistically speaking, most hitchhikers are good people.

Posted by: Bad Driving Advice at January 31, 2014 10:18 AM (/29Nl)

270 Like a fine wine, blogging software is better aged. *snerk* Even better if it's custom-built by someone who NEVER EVER EVER updates the code.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b][/s][/s] at January 31, 2014 10:18 AM (A0glY)

271 Always demand a man treat you differently than you demanded last time. Keeping him guessing will keep the relationship fresh and he'll appreciate it.

Posted by: Bad relationship advice at January 31, 2014 10:19 AM (zfY+H)

272 If drinking 6 beers at the game is great fun, 12 beers will be awesome.

Posted by: Bad baseball advice at January 31, 2014 10:19 AM (aDwsi)

273 Always swallow the key before chaining yourself to the tree.

Posted by: Bad Environmentalist Advice at January 31, 2014 10:19 AM (hFL/3)

274 You have to tell the truth if they ask if you're a cop.
Posted by: Bad Undercover Advice


Or a God.

Posted by: Ghostbusters at January 31, 2014 10:19 AM (6TB1Z)

275 You can tell your gas tank is full by lighting a match and looking down the fill spout.

Posted by: Bad Motorist Advice at January 31, 2014 10:19 AM (VjL9S)

276 Wake up bitch!!! really is foreplay, you'll turn her on like a switch

Posted by: Bad sex advice at January 31, 2014 10:19 AM (027eb)

277 Always stand in the fire.

Posted by: Bad gaming advice at January 31, 2014 10:19 AM (zfY+H)

278 >>When you hear the sirens, make sure you get outside as quickly as possible. There was no siren, there were just branches flying and what I said was "hey kids look out the window". And it never happened because if it had, I would still be kicking myself 4 years later.

Posted by: Mama AJ, yelling "ow" for no reason at all at January 31, 2014 10:19 AM (SUKHu)

279 Ask Ace for more Syria content.

Posted by: Bad AoS Advice at January 31, 2014 10:19 AM (VjL9S)

280 Nothing beats a crossbow.

Posted by: Bad Military Blog Advice at January 31, 2014 10:20 AM (5z3cc)

281 Jumping in front of an armored bulldozer is a good way to stop it

Posted by: Rachel Corrie at January 31, 2014 10:20 AM (aq5Dc)

282 Immediately after taking your prescribed opiate-based pain medication, wash it down with a liberal amount of whiskey so it'll take effect faster.

Posted by: Bad medical advice at January 31, 2014 10:20 AM (SY2Kh)

283 She's absolutely love those Sugar-Free Gummi Bears from Haribo.

Posted by: Bad Dating Advice at January 31, 2014 10:20 AM (PYAXX)

284 Seems appropriate: http://youtu.be/HjS8S3HxIJo

Posted by: kalel666 at January 31, 2014 10:20 AM (gSqI7)

285 Don't ignore homeless panhandlers.  In fact, invite them to your home    to do some    odd jobs    for pay.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:20 AM (4df7R)

286 Chicks dig it when you lie to them. It makes you seem mysterious and exciting.

Posted by: Bad relationship advice at January 31, 2014 10:20 AM (zfY+H)

287 Talk about spiders. The bigger, the better.

Posted by: Bad AoS Advice at January 31, 2014 10:21 AM (VjL9S)

288 Ok raise your hand if you have never gone outside to look at the sky when you hear the tornado siren. I mean even me, lily liveried scaredy cat has. "mom why is the sky that funny color?" as my Texas born and raised mother his yelling "get inside right now dammit."

Posted by: Paranoidgirlinseattle at January 31, 2014 10:21 AM (RZ8pf)

289 Always treat her roughly.  Women like that.

Posted by: John Bobbitt at January 31, 2014 10:21 AM (6TB1Z)

290 It hurts when you pee? Congratulations, you're finally a man.

Posted by: Bad Medical Advice [/i] [/b] at January 31, 2014 10:21 AM (cxs6V)

291 S/he really loves being compared to all of your exs. Be sure to bring them up as often as possible.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:21 AM (PYAXX)

292 A Gentleman never has to ask to use the backdoor.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:21 AM (5z3cc)

293 When the Democrats are cutting their own throats, find a camera and announce you're backing a plan that will help them.

Posted by: Bad Political Advice at January 31, 2014 10:21 AM (zfY+H)

294

Talk about spiders. The bigger, the better.


 

Posted by: Bad AoS Advice at January 31, 2014 03:21 PM (VjL9S)

 

*points*  Read.  Learn.  LIVE.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:21 AM (4df7R)

295 If you want people to appreciate NASA more, shut down the actual space missions, and focus your energies on muslim outreach

Posted by: Crappy government advice at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (aq5Dc)

296 If the lights flicker and you hear eerie music and noises, first check the basement.

Posted by: Bad home maintainence advice at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (aDwsi)

297 When you need advice on your new gun, bring it in to the nearest police station loaded and start waving it and yelling until you are helped

Posted by: Bad survival advice at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (027eb)

298 Never wash your reusable grocery bags. E Coli strengthens the system!

Posted by: Bad Environmentalist Advice at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (hFL/3)

299 When you finish but you want to keep her screaming, wipe your junk on her curtains. It shows that you're clearly marking your territory. Women love that.

Posted by: Bad Sex Advice at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (/o+xv)

300 Give in to your kids when they whine and they'll always ask nicely in the future.

Posted by: Bad Parenting Advice at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (SUKHu)

301 When you hear the sirens, make sure you get outside as quickly as possible.

grab a camera first!

Posted by: Jean at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (4JkHl)

302 It hurts when you pee? Congratulations, you're finally a man.

Posted by: Bad Medical Advice at January 31, 2014 03:21 PM (cxs6V)

 

OW OW OW.   Laughing... so hard... lungs hurt... ow ow ow...!

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (4df7R)

303 If your wife asks if that dress makes her ass look fat, go ahead and tell the truth.

Posted by: Soona at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (BkpOh)

304 Always go with the guy that the press loves the most for your Republican candidate, he's sure to win.

Posted by: Bad Political Advice at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (zfY+H)

305 Keep your phone ringer on during the movie so you can hear it over the soundtrack if you get a call.

Posted by: Bad Human Advice at January 31, 2014 10:22 AM (/29Nl)

306 288 Ok raise your hand if you have never gone outside to look at the sky when you hear the tornado siren. I mean even me, lily liveried scaredy cat has. "mom why is the sky that funny color?" as my Texas born and raised mother his yelling "get inside right now dammit." Posted by: Paranoidgirlinseattle at January 31, 2014 03:21 PM (RZ8pf) ******* Hell I've been in Oklahoma with the sirens a blasting-- and I runnin' outside and go-- oooooh weee sheeeyiiittt lookit at them there clouds a turnin'.

Posted by: tasker at January 31, 2014 10:23 AM (RJMhd)

307 Does anyone still use tape?>>

Well it is a main player in the abduction kit.

Oops I meant seduction.

Posted by: Buzzsaw at January 31, 2014 10:23 AM (tf9Ne)

308 When the Democrats are cutting their own throats, find a camera and announce you're backing a plan that will help them. *hic* *thumbs up sign* On it!

Posted by: John Boehner[/i][/b][/i][/b][/s][/s] at January 31, 2014 10:23 AM (A0glY)

309 When you go aboard, ask for a red uniform. It will make you 'special'.

Posted by: Bad Enterprise crewman advicehome maintainence advice at January 31, 2014 10:23 AM (aDwsi)

310 "When a bomber explodes it's like a cigarette lighter that you try to light but won't. You see the flash of fire in an instant, and then the fire goes out. All that's left is smoke. When this plane exploded [direct flak hit] all I saw were little pieces of debris.
About four months later we heard that the two waist gunners from this bomber were back in England, thanks to the heroics of the French Underground. The American and Allied fliers had a lot of respect for the Underground because it performed many good works.

When we found out about the two waist gunners, we were informed that they would be shipped back to the States after their arrival because they knew too much about the French Underground, and they didn't want these GIs flying missions over France and Germany again.

When I heard about the survivors, I just couldn't believe it. I kept saying that I had seen the plane explode with  my own eyes. I hadn't seen any parachutes. I wondered what it would have been like to have your B-24 blow up at 22,000 feet. I waited for their arrival, because I had to hear it from them to believe it. When I finally saw them I touched them and asked them 'What was it like?'

They said it was like being hit hard in the back of the head. They figured they both came to at about 5000 feet and pulled the rip cords. when they hit the ground, one of the gunners broke his leg. Other than that they were fine. They said the French Underground took damn good care of them, but that was all they could say."

Eddie Picardo, B-24 Tail Gunner US 8th AF. "Tales of a Tail Gunner"

Posted by: Rex B at January 31, 2014 10:23 AM (OXzvH)

311 If you ask what's wrong and she says nothing, she really means nothing is wrong.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:23 AM (/o+xv)

312 Crap. nic fail

Posted by: █ Mike Hammer at January 31, 2014 10:24 AM (aDwsi)

313 Hearing odd sounds coming from mommy and daddy's room? Don't knock, just run right on in there and make sure everything is ok.

Posted by: Bad Sibling Advice at January 31, 2014 10:24 AM (5z3cc)

314 When you talk to your husband or boyfriend, make sure to ask him questions you don't really want to hear the truth about. Men love that.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:24 AM (zfY+H)

315 Kids like it when you scream drunken obscenities at them. It helps them focus and do better in school.

Posted by: Bad Parenting Advice at January 31, 2014 10:24 AM (hFL/3)

316 If you hear odd noises in the basement, undress and walk backwards    toward the sound.

Posted by: Bad horro movie advice at January 31, 2014 10:24 AM (aq5Dc)

317 266 If one wants to be understood, before the english that the good.

Posted by: Soona at January 31, 2014 03:18 PM (BkpOh)

lol

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:24 AM (Kkt/i)

318 The Norovirus fears only two things -- a hearty handshake and finger foods.

Posted by: Bad Medical Advice at January 31, 2014 10:24 AM (ZPrif)

319 Bet your house on the Bears to win it all every year

Posted by: Bad gambling advice at January 31, 2014 10:24 AM (027eb)

320 When Harry Reid offers to babysit your young son, accept.     Being babysat by a Senator?    What an opportunity!

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:25 AM (4df7R)

321 Soothsayer... ;-)

Yup, jumping scared me far less than the planes I jumped from (which IIRC is statistically the correct fear-- at least *you* have a parachute, your jump plane doesn't!).

Actually, jumping itself never scared me much, either-- the part that freaked me out was AFTER the chute opened.  Perhaps that's counter-intuitive to those who haven't jumped, but note that even at the door, the experience is unreal-- you're so high up, you might as well be looking out the window from your 767 passenger seat.  I'm deathly afraid of heights, but the fear of heights never bothered me either before the jump or during (hellaciously cool) freefall.

Nope-- it was the moment the chute opened, and it gets all quiet, and then you're free to contemplate the few thousand feet right beneath your toes... THAT was the part that freaked the eff out of me. 

Note: I never did conquer my fear of heights.  Or, for that matter, widths.

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at January 31, 2014 10:25 AM (issUS)

322 We had nothing whatsoever to do with this Tea Party-supporting skydiver being knocked unconscious.  We were not monitoring him in real time via his helmet cam and certainly did not activate the knockout device that was implanted in the helmet by the manufacturer at our request.  Nor did we direct the IRS to the landing site to notify him that he is being audited once it became apparent that he was not going to die.

Posted by: NSA at January 31, 2014 10:25 AM (tv7DV)

323 Don't tell people about a new thread. They love to stay in an old one for hours.

Posted by: Bad AoSHQ Advice at January 31, 2014 10:25 AM (SUKHu)

324 You can make up for being late by leaving early.

Posted by: Bad Work Advice at January 31, 2014 10:26 AM (PYAXX)

325 Seriously, though, tornado green skies are weirdly hypnotic. It's like being in a movie. A disaster movie, sure, but still a movie.

Posted by: Flatbush Joe at January 31, 2014 10:26 AM (ZPrif)

326 If she spits it out the last time and gave you a dirty look. Try it again, but don't give her a warning this time. Women like surprises.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:26 AM (/o+xv)

327 OW OW OW. Laughing... so hard... lungs hurt... ow ow ow...! Must be a really big hurt.....

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 10:26 AM (cUARf)

328 O'Yeah! This is a BIG Fuckin Deal!


Posted by: Slo Joe at January 31, 2014 10:26 AM (NpXoL)

329 It's Superbowl Sunday, this week. Remember ladies, the best time to have a serious discussion about your feelings is immediately following the kickoff.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:27 AM (5z3cc)

330 What kids really need is inconsistency, Change up their schedules as much as possible.

Posted by: Bad Parenting Advice at January 31, 2014 10:27 AM (hFL/3)

331 In my experience with big bad heights, the worst part is the start: once you get over the edge and its too late to do anything about it, there's this huge rush of terror, then its all okay.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at January 31, 2014 10:27 AM (zfY+H)

332 Your coworkers love covering for you in meetings.

Posted by: Bad Work Advice at January 31, 2014 10:27 AM (PYAXX)

333 It's cool for suburban white boys to drive into the ghetto to test out their new gangsta rap on the homies In fact, the more you use the n word, the more they'll like it

Posted by: Bad thug advice at January 31, 2014 10:28 AM (027eb)

334

Ok raise your hand if you have never gone outside to look at the sky when you hear the tornado siren. I mean even me, lily liveried scaredy cat has. "mom why is the sky that funny color?" as my Texas born and raised mother his yelling "get inside right now dammit."

Posted by: Paranoidgirlinseattle at January 31, 2014 03:21 PM (RZ8pf)

 

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

 

Before weather radar that's exactly what we had to do.  I can remember always standing out in the back yard with my mom watching the clouds for tornadoes and my dad at the entrance of the neighbor's storm cellar yelling at us to get over there.   But mom and I held our ground.

 

I think that's where I fell in love with Oklahoma weather.  It's fucking exciting.

Posted by: Soona at January 31, 2014 10:28 AM (BkpOh)

335 Don't bother to use deodorant.  Women love your natural musk due to the pheromones.  And don't worry about on the train. It's not like another man smelling it will instinctively want to kill you.

Posted by: Bad Hygiene Advice at January 31, 2014 10:28 AM (/29Nl)

336 Turn off the safeties on the reactor while you run your tests.  It'll be fine.

Posted by: Bad Soviet advice at January 31, 2014 10:28 AM (6TB1Z)

337 When your Dad tells you he's going to re-marry, don't worry, she's not going to take all his money and cut you out of the will.

Posted by: Bad Advice [/i] at January 31, 2014 10:28 AM (oGrEy)

338
    Two words.


       Static lines.

Posted by: irongrampa at January 31, 2014 10:29 AM (SAMxH)

339 Your failing hard drive can be fixed by mounting rare-earth magnets directly on the chassis.

Posted by: Bad IT Advice at January 31, 2014 10:29 AM (PYAXX)

340 Chicken is best cooked medium rare.

Posted by: Bad Cooking Advice at January 31, 2014 10:29 AM (hFL/3)

341

Engineers love it when drivers play "Beat the Train".

 

-Bad Driving Advice

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:29 AM (hLRSq)

342 When entering a strange body of water, it's best to get as far above the surface as possible and to dive in head-first.

Posted by: Bad Life Advice at January 31, 2014 10:30 AM (5z3cc)

343 It only looks high.

Posted by: Bad Life Advice at January 31, 2014 10:30 AM (5z3cc)

344 Be sure to open every attachment from every email. You never know when it my be important.

Posted by: Bad IT Advice at January 31, 2014 10:30 AM (PYAXX)

345 Taking candy from babies is easy. Bad sibling advice.

Posted by: Paranoidgirlinseattle at January 31, 2014 10:30 AM (RZ8pf)

346 The first time behind the wheel can be intimidating. Imbibing a few alcoholic beverages before hand helps to take the edge off.

Posted by: Bad Driving Advice at January 31, 2014 10:30 AM (4CV8N)

347 Turbo-charge your company by having weekly management meetings where your team can recite everything already posted on the project planning software. The longer the better!

Posted by: Bad Manager Advice [/i] [/b] at January 31, 2014 10:30 AM (cxs6V)

348 When trying to shore up your political base   to ensure they turn out to vote,    it is best to tell the    ideological heart of your party to shut up, sit down and vote for     the     candidate   your  party's   Beltway elite have selected.   

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:30 AM (4df7R)

349 During the Super Bowl, if your team is at a 1st and goal, it's a great time to jump in front of the television and bring up the merits of obamacare

Posted by: Bad political advice at January 31, 2014 10:31 AM (027eb)

350 Flossing is just a scam by Big String. It actually increases cavities.

Posted by: Bad Dental Advice at January 31, 2014 10:31 AM (ZPrif)

351 For maximum reliability, be sure to change the oil in your car every 100,000 miles.

Posted by: Bad automotive advice at January 31, 2014 10:31 AM (SY2Kh)

352 Closing tags is for losers.

Posted by: Bad AosHQ Advice at January 31, 2014 10:31 AM (PYAXX)

353 Know what prevents cavities? A nice layer of protective Coca-Cola over your teeth. Especially at the gum line.

Posted by: Bad Dental Advice at January 31, 2014 10:31 AM (ZPrif)

354 If the girl seems bat-shit crazy but the sex is good, marry her. Ignore the knife she keeps under her pillow.

Posted by: Bad Advice [/i] at January 31, 2014 10:32 AM (oGrEy)

355 If your boss has nice tits, tell her. She'll appreciate the compliment.

Posted by: Bad Career Advice at January 31, 2014 10:32 AM (5z3cc)

356 When you draw a red line, make sure you use a pencil so it can't be erased.

Posted by: Bad Presidentin' Advice at January 31, 2014 10:32 AM (tv7DV)

357 Yes, it's totally cool to date you're brother's ex.

Posted by: Bad Family Advice at January 31, 2014 10:32 AM (PYAXX)

358
Take long solitary walks in public parks.... like Gramarcy.

Posted by: Bad Democratic Health Tips at January 31, 2014 10:32 AM (nELVU)

359 The red lights in your car's instrument panel come on to provide a friendly dash of color to the interior.

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:33 AM (hLRSq)

360 Have a fantastic pilot for an amazing sci-fi series that will have an instant and rabidly devoted following that would be thrilled to keep it on air for years and years? Pitch it to Fox and only to Fox.

Posted by: Bad TV writer career advice at January 31, 2014 10:33 AM (VtjlW)

361 My friends, you have nothing to fear from Barack Obama in the White House.

Posted by: Bad Advice - Political Hall of Fame[/i] at January 31, 2014 10:33 AM (oGrEy)

362 No bullshit, garrett has been my favorite poster for about six months.

Posted by: wooga at January 31, 2014 10:33 AM (c5TBq)

363 When selecting a city to host your Olympiad, make sure to choose cities in the most unstable and/or crime-ridden parts of the globe.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:33 AM (4df7R)

364 Be sure to touch as many surfaces on a Cruise Ship as possible. That's how you get your money's worth.

Posted by: Bad Cruise Advice at January 31, 2014 10:33 AM (ZPrif)

365 If the girl seems bat-shit crazy but the sex is good, marry her. Ignore the knife she keeps under her pillow.>>

I remember you giving me that same advice in the 80s. It only cost me one house.

Posted by: Buzzsaw at January 31, 2014 10:33 AM (tf9Ne)

366 Her favorite thing to hear when you get home from work is those three little words: "What's for dinner?"

Posted by: Bad Family Advice at January 31, 2014 10:34 AM (PYAXX)

367 If a guy on your most popular show says something that pisses off GLAAD. Fire him.

Posted by: Bad T.V. Advice at January 31, 2014 10:34 AM (/o+xv)

368 When selecting a city to host your Olympiad, make sure to choose cities in the most unstable and/or crime-ridden parts of the globe.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at January 31, 2014 03:33 PM (4df7R)


-----


Well.... to be fair to Sochi..... the other option was CHICAGO.....

Posted by: fixerupper at January 31, 2014 10:34 AM (nELVU)

369 If you want to show off to the big dudes at the Coronado bars, tell them you're a SEAL even though you're waiting to start boot camp

Posted by: Bad military advice at January 31, 2014 10:34 AM (027eb)

370 Ignorance of the law *is* an excuse.

Posted by: Bad Travel Advice at January 31, 2014 10:35 AM (PYAXX)

371 364 Be sure to touch as many surfaces on a Cruise Ship as possible. That's how you get your money's worth. Posted by: Bad Cruise Advice at January 31, 2014 03:33 PM (ZPrif) **** But do it with your tongue-- because YOLO!

Posted by: Do it like a Kardashian!! at January 31, 2014 10:35 AM (RJMhd)

372 When strolling through a violent neighborhood, it's best to keep your eyes on your IPhone and tune out the surroundings.

Posted by: Bad Safety Advice at January 31, 2014 10:35 AM (/Mla1)

373 "Go introduce Mr. Fork to Mr. Electrical Outlet."

-Bad Parenting Advice

Posted by: physics geek at January 31, 2014 10:35 AM (MT22W)

374 Well.... to be fair to Sochi..... the other option was CHICAGO.....

Posted by: fixerupper at January 31, 2014 03:34 PM (nELVU)

 

True.   But then we look to Rio De Janeiro...

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:35 AM (4df7R)

375 As long as you're wearing a condom, you can't catch anything from someone else buggering you bareback.

Posted by: Bad AIDS Advice at January 31, 2014 10:35 AM (tv7DV)

376 If you disagree with any poster. Ban them consistently, that way everyone will agree with you.

Posted by: Bad CJ Blog Advice at January 31, 2014 10:36 AM (/o+xv)

377 The Barrel is nice.

Posted by: Bad AoSHQ Advice at January 31, 2014 10:36 AM (SUKHu)

378 If you find yourself without KY lubricant, Tabasco sauce can be used as an effective substitute.

Posted by: Bad sex advice at January 31, 2014 10:36 AM (SY2Kh)

379 When she's pooring her heart out about all the trivial problems of her day, interrupt her and tell her how silly it is to be worried about them.  Even better, provide her with the most logical solution off the top of your head, and she'll thank you profusely for being such a clever man and even make you a sandwich.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:36 AM (Kkt/i)

380 Off meme but headline on my local news site is that consumer spending was up .4% in December. Really? Really? That is so strange I mean nothing at all happens in December that would have people spending more money so this was a total surprise. Idiots. Besides that seems like rather a low amount of consumer spending for the holiday season if you ask me.

Posted by: Paranoidgirlinseattle at January 31, 2014 10:36 AM (RZ8pf)

381 No bullshit, garrett has been my favorite poster for about six months. Feed him a Pop Tart and he'll give you his paw.

Posted by: soothsayer at January 31, 2014 10:36 AM (jRs7b)

382 Make sure to hunch your shoulders, keep your eyes on the ground, and take short, quick steps.

Posted by: Bad Self-Defense Advice at January 31, 2014 10:36 AM (PYAXX)

383 If you pick up the phone book and the page is folded over for 'divorce lawyers' that is a sign that the wife is final going to give up her 'back door' with little foreplay required.

Posted by: Bad Advice, Relationships [/i] at January 31, 2014 10:36 AM (oGrEy)

384 318 The Norovirus fears only two things -- a hearty handshake and finger foods.

Posted by: Bad Medical Advice at January 31, 2014 03:24 PM (ZPrif)

lol

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:37 AM (Kkt/i)

385 The craziest thing I ever did was jump off a bridge into alligator infested bayou. I barely hit the water before I was up and out. Posted by: no good deed at January 31, 2014 02:46 PM (vBhbc) . . . And now you tell me Billie Joe has jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge . . .

Posted by: m at January 31, 2014 10:37 AM (omrQI)

386 No one will notice if you substitute a couple of ingredients in Nonna's gnocchi recipe.

Posted by: Bad cooking advice at January 31, 2014 10:37 AM (VtjlW)

387 When your wife asks if that dress makes her ass look fat tell her no, her fat ass makes her ass look fat. Bad Marriage Advice

Posted by: JackStraw at January 31, 2014 10:37 AM (g1DWB)

388 354. the girl seems bat-shit crazy but the sex is good, marry her. Ignore the knife she keeps under her pillow. Hey!!! T still loves me...I think

Posted by: Bad military advice at January 31, 2014 10:37 AM (027eb)

389 When having sex with a woman, tell her  that she reminds you of  your  mother.  She'll get a kick out of it.

Posted by: Soona at January 31, 2014 10:37 AM (BkpOh)

390

If your car is too cold to start, put some gasoline on a cookie sheet, slide it    under the engine compartment, and light it.*        Should heat it right up.

 

 

* actual police report

Posted by: Bad car care advice at January 31, 2014 10:37 AM (aq5Dc)

391 Wow. Life affirming. I'd like to think life can be like that, where other people catch us, even when we don't know it

Posted by: thunderb at January 31, 2014 10:37 AM (zOTsN)

392 Not buying it.  I think it's staged. 

Posted by: BurtTC at January 31, 2014 10:38 AM (TOk1P)

393 Get involved in land-wars in Asia.

Posted by: Bad Military Advice at January 31, 2014 10:38 AM (PYAXX)

394 When wiring a bomb, be sure to use hand-drawn instructions given to you by Billy Ayers. --Bad Terrorist Advice

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b][/s][/s] at January 31, 2014 10:38 AM (A0glY)

395 When having sex with a woman, tell her that she's not as good as your mother.

Posted by: Even Worse Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:38 AM (tv7DV)

396 If caught using steroids, double down and blame your employer and/or union.

Posted by: Bad A-Rod advice at January 31, 2014 10:38 AM (/Mla1)

397

If your wife/girlfriend is out of town, it is perfectly all right to sleep with her  best friend/sister/coworker    so long as you apologize    (if she finds out)      and say you did it because you missed her.

 

 

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:39 AM (4df7R)

398
Always..... ALWAYS ...... go full retard.

Posted by: fixerupper at January 31, 2014 10:39 AM (nELVU)

399 If you're hiding from the police and you hear 'police canine, come out or I'll send in the dog' keep hiding It's only a poodle

Posted by: Bad cop advice at January 31, 2014 10:39 AM (027eb)

400 When you see a Great Old One, stare at it long and hard.

Posted by: Bad H.P. Lovecraft Advice at January 31, 2014 10:39 AM (tv7DV)

401 If she asks you if you think her best friend is cute. It's best to be honest and reply with something along the lines of. "Fuck Yes! She is smoking hot! I would bang her like a fucking drum!" ..She will appreciate your honesty and suggest that you all do more as a couple together.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:40 AM (/o+xv)

402 Always go with your gut.

Posted by: George Costanza at January 31, 2014 10:40 AM (5z3cc)

403 When your mom tells you that you make a better door than window it definitely means continue standing right in front of the television. Bad paranoid kid in Seattle advice.

Posted by: Paranoidgirlinseattle at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (RZ8pf)

404 Assume everyone is wrong, doesn't know what they are talking about, and needs to be told how to what the GOP has'ta do or ELSE THEY WILL ALL DIE.

Posted by: Bad Commenting Advice [/i] [/b] at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (cxs6V)

405 If a strange cat is harassing your dog, kick snow in the cat's face.

Posted by: Bad Feral Cat Advice at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (aDwsi)

406 Buy the Daewoo. It's cheap and looks so nice with the leather and the faux wood interior. I'm sure it will be a very solid car for years to come.

Posted by: Bad Life Advice at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (hFL/3)

407 Always go with your gout.

Posted by: Bad Medical Advice at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (ZPrif)

408 Always wait until the age of 6 weeks before getting your new baby her first tattoo.

Posted by: Bad parenting advice at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (SY2Kh)

409 When learning how to shoot free throws, study Obama's technique and copy it exactly.

Posted by: Bad Basketball Advice at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (tv7DV)

410 Antioch, CA had a small airport with skydiving. In the Spring we would make meat-helmets and watch the show. Engine cuts, people jump out. It's Section 8 housing now.

Posted by: nip at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (jI23+)

411 Thanks Wooga.

Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (5z3cc)

412 Three words: Internet. Pet food.

Posted by: Bad financial advice at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (VtjlW)

413 Mix marijuana, Xanax, and horse steroids then go for a fast drive in a 400,000 dollar car. The police will enjoy your antics and let you off with a warning.

Posted by: Bad Advice - Justin Beiber Addition at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (oGrEy)

414 When you are pulled over by a cop get out of the car and start screaming obscenities at them like a crazy person while appearing to draw a weapon from behind your back. They love that. Bad Police Advice

Posted by: JackStraw at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (g1DWB)

415 An economic downturn is the best time to raise taxes.

Posted by: Bad Economic Advice at January 31, 2014 10:41 AM (PYAXX)

416 If you like where you work, show your boss this thread. He'll get a kick out of it. Bad Career Advice

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 10:42 AM (cUARf)

417 When investigating a crime of passion, assume it was Satanists. --Bad Prosecutor Advice

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b][/s][/s] at January 31, 2014 10:42 AM (A0glY)

418 If pulled over for speeding in New Mexico, tell the cop you stuck your drugs in your ass He'll laugh and let you go

Posted by: Bad cop advice at January 31, 2014 10:42 AM (027eb)

419 Then how do you shoo away a bad cat?

Posted by: soothsayer at January 31, 2014 10:42 AM (jRs7b)

420 Most problems can be solved by taking a nap.

Posted by: Bad Life Advice at January 31, 2014 10:42 AM (ZPrif)

421

Oh, I see I stumbled into something else.

 

Carry on. 

Posted by: BurtTC at January 31, 2014 10:42 AM (TOk1P)

422

"Bet on Betamax.  VHS is for punks."

 

-Bad advice    flashback

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:42 AM (4df7R)

423 Blame all political disagreement on racism and sexism.

Posted by: Good Political Advice for Liberals at January 31, 2014 10:42 AM (SUKHu)

424 Hold onto her hair until she has to swallow

Posted by: Bad relationship advice at January 31, 2014 10:43 AM (aq5Dc)

425 In order to help them be less prudish, be sure to moon all the older men and women.

Posted by: Bad Church Advice at January 31, 2014 10:43 AM (PYAXX)

426 When there aren't many jobs available. The best thing to do is bring in millions of people who will work even cheaper.

Posted by: Bad Political Advice at January 31, 2014 10:44 AM (/o+xv)

427 They who would sacrifice liberty for a little security...well, they're pretty smart.

Posted by: Bad Franklin Advice at January 31, 2014 10:44 AM (/Mla1)

428 No really means go for it with gusto! Bad Dating Advice

Posted by: JackStraw at January 31, 2014 10:44 AM (g1DWB)

429 Ewoks are your friends.

Posted by: Bad Hobo Advice at January 31, 2014 10:44 AM (PYAXX)

430 During the upcoming primaries, bring up Sarah Palin often

Posted by: Bad AoS advice at January 31, 2014 10:44 AM (027eb)

431 Stand your ground.  That Israeli bulldozer will stop in time.

Posted by: Bad activism advice at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (SY2Kh)

432 The Vice -President is a wiseman picked to advise the President, so always do what Joe Biden tells you to do.

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (hLRSq)

433 If your main chute fails, wait until just before you hit the ground to pull the reserve ripcord.

Posted by: Bad skydiving advice at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (1Rgee)

434 Tell EoJ he's a wimpy asswipe.  He likes that kind of honesty and will compliment you for it.

Posted by: pep at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (6TB1Z)

435 this is so very wrong but hilarious

Posted by: thunderb at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (zOTsN)

436 Actually have mixed-race families and believe that no one could possibly think you were racist.

Posted by: Bad Political Advice for Conservatives at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (SUKHu)

437 Besides that seems like rather a low amount of consumer spending for the holiday season if you ask me.

Did they mean 0.4% from last December?  If you factor in inflation, that means people collectively bought less.

Posted by: HR at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (ZKzrr)

438 When all else fails, blame a youtube video.

Posted by: Hillary Clinton 2016 at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (5z3cc)

439 Homeowners insurance is just a waste of your money.

Posted by: Bad Homeowner Advice at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (PYAXX)

440 People are always very truthful in their online dating profiles.

Posted by: Bad Dating Advice at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (hFL/3)

441 When being threatened with rape, don't produce a firearm, instead you should piss, shit and vomit on yourself.

Posted by: Serious Lib Advice at January 31, 2014 10:45 AM (/Mla1)

442 When trying to exude an aura of style, grace, and good humor, look to Michelle Obama at Nelson Mandela's funeral as your guide. 

Posted by: Bad Comportment Advice at January 31, 2014 10:46 AM (tv7DV)

443 If there aren't many jobs available. Import millions who will work for less money.

Posted by: Bad Political Advice at January 31, 2014 10:46 AM (/o+xv)

444 If your daughter brings home a nice guy, berate her for going for the non-threatening choice. --Bad Parenting Advice

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b][/s][/s] at January 31, 2014 10:46 AM (A0glY)

445 Start a discussion with Ace about why he posted on *that* topic.

Posted by: Bad AoSHQ Advice at January 31, 2014 10:46 AM (SUKHu)

446 When your computer says you are about to erase 3,567 files, go for it. Easy fix if you're wrong.

Posted by: Bad Advice IT [/i] at January 31, 2014 10:46 AM (oGrEy)

447

When picking a repub presidential candidate, always go with the candidate Rove, the RNC, and JeffB recommend.

Posted by: Soona at January 31, 2014 10:46 AM (BkpOh)

448 If we're using a word you don't understand, google it!!

Posted by: Bad AoS advice at January 31, 2014 10:46 AM (ZKzrr)

449 When confronted by a vampire make sure to shoot it thru the heart with a silver bullet.

Posted by: Bad Vampire Slaying Advice at January 31, 2014 10:46 AM (H0k3f)

450 Then how do you shoo away a bad cat? Posted by: soothsayer ----------------- you missed this?: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-oVhu2fu20

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 31, 2014 10:46 AM (aDwsi)

451 If the dealer won't let you take it for a test-drive, it's only because it's in such pristine condition.

Posted by: Bad Car-buying Advice at January 31, 2014 10:47 AM (PYAXX)

452 Chanting "Hail Satan" really gets the media on your side of the issue.

Posted by: Bad Protesting Advice at January 31, 2014 10:47 AM (hFL/3)

453 It's okay to give Thai hooker oral if she says she's a virgin

Posted by: Bad Sex advice at January 31, 2014 10:47 AM (027eb)

454 Stand your ground. That Chinese tank will stop in time.

Posted by: More Bad activism advice at January 31, 2014 10:47 AM (1Rgee)

455 Insist that your child run with scissors. Set up an obstacle course in the backyard for just such a purpose.

Posted by: Bad Parenting Advice at January 31, 2014 10:47 AM (fk1A8)

456 If it's Friday and you've already done one whole substantive post, fuck off and let the horde give parachute advice.

Posted by: Perfectly sound ace advice at January 31, 2014 10:48 AM (A0sHn)

457 Prince Charles calls climate-change deniers'headless chicken brigade'(Get ready for next king, UK) foxnews ^ | 1/31/14 Prince Charles has called people who deny human-made climate change a "headless chicken brigade" who are ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence. The heir to the British throne, a dedicated environmentalist, accused "powerful groups of deniers" of mounting "a barrage of sheer intimidation" against opponents. He made the comments at a Buckingham Palace awards ceremony on Thursday. Charles said it was "baffling ... that in our modern world we have such blind trust in science and technology that we all accept what science tells us about everything — until, that is, it comes to climate science." He praised finalists for the Prince of Wales Young Sustainability Entrepreneur Prize for having "the far-sightedness and confidence in what they know is happening to ignore the headless chicken brigade and do something practical to help." So long as he wastes the UK and his own money, he can do what he can think what he wants. But if he puts his hand our expecting us to front this garbage, it's time for Guy Fawkes to return...

Posted by: Judge Pug at January 31, 2014 10:48 AM (E4MKN)

458 Always wear a cape. Always.

Posted by: Bad Superhero advice at January 31, 2014 10:48 AM (VtjlW)

459 That Muslim with explosives strapped to his chest?  You have nothing to worry about - Islam is a religion of peace.  Give him a friendly hug!

Posted by: Bad Security Advice at January 31, 2014 10:48 AM (tv7DV)

460 Unfixed dents, dings, and obvious rust show how much the previous owner loved the vehicle.

Posted by: Bad Car-buying Advice at January 31, 2014 10:48 AM (PYAXX)

461 When cutting through a subdivision, be sure to circle back and beat the shit out of the guy who may or may not be carrying a concealed firearm.

Posted by: Bad 7-11 Advice at January 31, 2014 10:48 AM (/29Nl)

462 If a little wine is ok, val u rite is even better.

Posted by: Bad Pregnancy Advice at January 31, 2014 10:48 AM (hFL/3)

463 I heard some good electioneering advice recently: pass an immigration bill and send it to conference!

Posted by: John Boehner at January 31, 2014 10:48 AM (F58x4)

464 Insist on seeing how the sausage is made.

Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 10:49 AM (5z3cc)

465 I love y'all. So much.

Posted by: Gingy @GingyNorth at January 31, 2014 10:49 AM (N/cFh)

466 Tell Ace you don't care for a particular thread & it doesn't interest you. Bad AoSHQ Advice

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 10:49 AM (cUARf)

467 Play for  the Cubs.

Posted by: Bad MLB Free Agent Advice at January 31, 2014 10:49 AM (TOk1P)

468 When she asks if some clothing item makes her look fat, be honest.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advise at January 31, 2014 10:49 AM (32Ze2)

469 When approaching an American military checkpoint overseas in your car, floor it and don't stop.  They're probably just using blanks.

Posted by: Bad journalism advice at January 31, 2014 10:49 AM (SY2Kh)

470 Inspections are for wussies.

Posted by: Bad Home-buying Advice at January 31, 2014 10:49 AM (PYAXX)

471 And the rescue maneuver was itself dangerous: as the knockout demonstrates, you don't want to collide with heavy bodies in freefall.





It demonstrates why you don't want to jump out of a perfectly working airplane

Posted by: TheQuietMan at January 31, 2014 10:49 AM (1Jaio)

472 Picking her up for the first date? Bring flowers, take her to a nice restaurant. Within the first few minutes of the date, ask her if she likes taking it in the ass. Women like a man who is forthcoming and forward.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:49 AM (/o+xv)

473 Your employer really appreciates that you download porn instead of working. That's why he provides that fast internet connection. The public doesn't care, in fact they appreciate the fact that you have so little to do.

Posted by: Bad Advice GovernmentWorkplace at January 31, 2014 10:50 AM (oGrEy)

474 Be persistently late for your dates. It keeps the mystery in the relationship.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 10:50 AM (PYAXX)

475 If the link is from the AOSHQ comments, it's definitely safe for work.

Posted by: Bad Work Advice at January 31, 2014 10:50 AM (/Mla1)

476 It's okay to walk into a biker bar wearing a hot pink body suit and a bow tie In fact, pinch some asses till they notice you

Posted by: Bad fashion advice at January 31, 2014 10:50 AM (027eb)

477 "Hold my beer" is the prelude to immortality.

Posted by: Mr. Dave at January 31, 2014 10:50 AM (OEdBY)

478

Always lie to the people in order to get sweeping legislation passed.  They will appreciate your kindness in looking out for them in their ignorance.

 

 

-Bad Presidenting Advice

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:50 AM (hLRSq)

479 Friends having friend's back - that's what it is all about.  Good job guys!

Posted by: Cheri at January 31, 2014 10:50 AM (G+Wff)

480 Eat literally everything in the house. The weight comes off very easily once the baby is born.

Posted by: Bad Pregnancy Advice at January 31, 2014 10:50 AM (hFL/3)

481 Next time you're going through a TSA checkpoint ask the dude what will happen to your plane if you drop an M80 in the toilet.

Posted by: JackStraw at January 31, 2014 10:50 AM (g1DWB)

482 If you bought the AoSHQ Platinum Premium package, show off those ampersands. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Bad AoSHQ Advice

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 10:51 AM (cUARf)

483 Microsoft Word is the preferred platform to cut and paste from at AoS.

Posted by: Bad Advice IT [/i] at January 31, 2014 10:51 AM (oGrEy)

484 Trust Hillary, Kerry, and the Obama administration. 

Posted by: Bad Foreign Policy Advice for Foreigners at January 31, 2014 10:51 AM (TOk1P)

485 That joke you thought was so funny? You should share it with 'CORP-All'.

Posted by: Bad Career Advice at January 31, 2014 10:51 AM (PYAXX)

486 Packing your main canopy carefully is for pussies. Just stuff it in the pack, it will open just fine.

Posted by: More Bad skydiving advice at January 31, 2014 10:51 AM (1Rgee)

487 Obama can be trusted regarding his representations about what might transpire in your mouth.

Posted by: Bad Reggie Love Advice at January 31, 2014 10:51 AM (/FnUH)

488 Always post pics of your junk.

Posted by: Twitter Dating Advice at January 31, 2014 10:51 AM (RJMhd)

489 Always trust your allies.

Posted by: Hosni Mubarak at January 31, 2014 10:52 AM (5z3cc)

490 If a fuse blows continuously, replace it with a penny.

Posted by: Archaic Bad Electrical Advice at January 31, 2014 10:52 AM (aDwsi)

491 No Muslim has ever caused a problem on a plane.  Concentrate on the really old people.  They may have been a WW2 pilot and are ready to snap at any second!

Posted by: Bad TSA Advice at January 31, 2014 10:52 AM (tv7DV)

492 omg....this might be the best thread ever

Posted by: phoenixgirl @phxazgrl 27 days until spring training at January 31, 2014 10:52 AM (u8GsB)

493

The best way to generate    fresh   interest in your product is to abandon your well-loved recipe    in favor of something    new that no one wanted.  

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:52 AM (4df7R)

494 Your employer really appreciates that you download porn instead of working. That's why he provides that fast internet connection. No joke I was brought onto a project to replace a guy who was running a bittorrent client, sharing copyrighted pr0n from his work machine.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b][/s][/s] at January 31, 2014 10:52 AM (A0glY)

495 Never prepare- your interviewer wants to see how fast you think on your feet.

Posted by: Bad Interview Advice at January 31, 2014 10:53 AM (PYAXX)

496 When they ask if you packed your bag and nobody asked you to put anything in it, say no. I hid all the good shit myself. You'll get to your flight much quicker.

Posted by: Bad TSA Advice at January 31, 2014 10:53 AM (/o+xv)

497 Your use of cigarettes and alcohol only toughen your fetus for the road ahead.

Posted by: Bad Advice Pregnancy[/i] at January 31, 2014 10:53 AM (oGrEy)

498 Buy the biggest home you'll qualify for, even if it is a stretch. Home values have never fallen.

Posted by: Bad Home Buying Advice at January 31, 2014 10:53 AM (32Ze2)

499 Bleach is good for all your clothes- which should all be washed together.

Posted by: Bad Cleaning Advice at January 31, 2014 10:54 AM (PYAXX)

500 Prominently include the words "Tea Party" in your organization's name. This helps us give you the fastest and most courteous service.

Posted by: IRS Advice at January 31, 2014 10:54 AM (hFL/3)

501 Our cell numbers are on the fridge. Let the kids have all the sweets they want, and if the baby gives you any trouble just shake her vigorously.

Posted by: Bad Babysitting Advice at January 31, 2014 10:54 AM (5z3cc)

502 Make sure you tell your wife how hot her sister is and that you wished she looked more like her.

Posted by: Bad Marraige Advice at January 31, 2014 10:54 AM (/o+xv)

503 The ultimate in moron air-phone aps http://bit.ly/1n3jD31

Posted by: MTF at January 31, 2014 10:54 AM (F58x4)

504

Charles said it was "baffling ... that in our modern world we have such blind trust in science and technology that we all accept what science tells us about everything — until, that is, it comes to climate science."

-

Never    reject the    views of      policitically minded scientists on an issue, especially if they voted     on it.

Posted by: Bad statist advice at January 31, 2014 10:54 AM (aq5Dc)

505 Going to meet your new girlfriend's father? Tell him in depth about the anal you did on his little precious last week

Posted by: Bad dating advice at January 31, 2014 10:55 AM (027eb)

506 When selling your cookies, play up the Girl Scouts' support for Planned Parenthood.  Nothing makes people hungrier for overpriced cookies than murdered babies.

Posted by: Bad Girl Scout Advice at January 31, 2014 10:55 AM (tv7DV)

507 Flood Insurance? You don't live in a flood plain.....

Posted by: Bad Home Buying Advice at January 31, 2014 10:56 AM (32Ze2)

508 Graduates with Bachelor's Degrees in Women's Roles in Underwater Basket Weaving are always in highest demand.

Posted by: Bad School Advice at January 31, 2014 10:56 AM (PYAXX)

509 Go ahead and bang OJ's ex.  Didn't you see him in Naked Gun?  He'd never hurt a fly.

Posted by: more Bad Dating Advice at January 31, 2014 10:56 AM (/Mla1)

510 Do you know what babies love? String.

Posted by: Bad Parenting Advice at January 31, 2014 10:56 AM (hFL/3)

511 OK advice sock off. This is even funnier when reading them to yourself. In your head use the voice of a black and white 1960's school instructional video with shitty audio and picture a guy in a suit reading them.

Posted by: Minnfidel at January 31, 2014 10:56 AM (/o+xv)

512 When plugging a space heater in and the cord is too short, find the thinnest extension cord possible. All the electrons flowing through tiny wires will warm the room considerably faster.

Posted by: Bad Advice Electrical[/i] at January 31, 2014 10:56 AM (oGrEy)

513 You know what has never been done in a movie before? Stepin Fetchit in space!

Posted by: Bad Sci-Fi Sequel Advice [/i] [/b] at January 31, 2014 10:56 AM (cxs6V)

514 Before deciding to become a professional twitter troll, be sure to move to England. --Bad Twitter Troll Advice

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b][/s][/s] at January 31, 2014 10:57 AM (A0glY)

515 Brag about the bears in every thread, every day two months before the season starts

Posted by: Bad ncj advice at January 31, 2014 10:57 AM (027eb)

516 I'll go over there and drop these glasses off to Nicole myself.

Posted by: Bad Circumstance Advice at January 31, 2014 10:57 AM (32Ze2)

517

Never leave your firearms unattended and always bring them with you everywhere you go such as banks, airports, and post offices.

 

-Bad Last Advice Ever

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:57 AM (hLRSq)

518 If you find yourself in an elevator full of senior-level executives, go ahead and float a big old air biscuit. You'll probably get promoted on the spot for your perceived spontaneity.

Posted by: johnd01 at January 31, 2014 10:57 AM (ukNFU)

519 When the TSA asks if anyone has handled your bag without your knowledge, answer "If they did it without my knowledge, how would I know?" They love that old joke. Bad Travel Advice

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 10:57 AM (cUARf)

520 If you run out of helium fill it with hydrogen!

Posted by: Bad Zeppelin Advice at January 31, 2014 10:57 AM (RJMhd)

521 If the smoke is filling the room, it's just because the fire isn't hot enough.

Posted by: Bad Fireplace Advice at January 31, 2014 10:57 AM (PYAXX)

522 When starting a new relationship it's always best to spend a lot of time comparing your new significant other to your ex.  This   will keep      him on his toes and   encourage him to work harder than     your last beau    did    to solidify your affections.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 10:58 AM (4df7R)

523 When going out with a woman you like, make sure to ask her how many men she has slept with before you. You really want to know. Corollary: Make sure to tell her your number and make sure to sigh fondly when saying one or two of the names.

Posted by: Aetius451AD at January 31, 2014 10:58 AM (TGgNi)

524 Call me Francis.

Posted by: Psycho at January 31, 2014 10:59 AM (A0sHn)

525

Always bet on the Lions to win.

 

 

-Cursed Since 1957

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 10:59 AM (hLRSq)

526 CHRISTY KNEW at drudge his high school buddy rolled on him The former Port Authority official who personally oversaw the lane closings on the George Washington Bridge in the scandal now swirling around Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey said on Friday that the governor knew about the lane closings when they were happening, and that he had the evidence to prove it. In a letter released by his lawyer, the official, David Wildstein, a high school friend of Mr. Christie’s who was appointed with the governor’s blessing at the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which controls the bridge, described the order to close the lanes as “the Christie administration’s order” and said “evidence exists as well tying Mr. Christie to having knowledge of the lane closures, during the period when the lanes were closed, contrary to what the governor stated publicly in a two-hour press conference” three weeks ago.

Posted by: thunderb at January 31, 2014 10:59 AM (zOTsN)

527 This is why we need to encourage Obama to push the envelope and start doing things like skydiving….

Posted by: redguy at January 31, 2014 10:59 AM (d8wEw)

528 When cleaning your gun, make sure it is loaded.  You never know when someone will attack you.

Posted by: Bad Gun Safety Advice at January 31, 2014 10:59 AM (tv7DV)

529 Always sleep on your back. -Bad Zeppelin Advice

Posted by: Zombie John Bonham at January 31, 2014 10:59 AM (5z3cc)

530 What did I miss? what's with the bad advice theme?

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 31, 2014 10:59 AM (DmNpO)

531 Never ask about unfamiliar phrases here, just do an image search.

Posted by: Bad AoSHQ Advice at January 31, 2014 11:00 AM (SUKHu)

532
"Hold my beer" is the prelude to immortality.

Posted by: Mr. Dave at January 31, 2014 03:50 PM (OEdBY)









Actually, that one has the taint of truth.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at January 31, 2014 11:00 AM (TIIx5)

533 If the water heater safety valve keeps popping open, wire it shut.

Posted by: Bad Homeowner Advice at January 31, 2014 11:00 AM (aDwsi)

534 Don't kill the hero right away. Instead, go into an extended monologue, explaining every detail of your master plan, and then walk away, leaving him guarded by one or two of the henchmen you recruited from Craigslist.

Posted by: Bad Evil Villain Advice at January 31, 2014 11:00 AM (V9ol4)

535 Don't over chew your food.

Posted by: Zombie Momma Cass at January 31, 2014 11:00 AM (5z3cc)

536 When you buy a used home, the best way to check out the creosote level of the fireplace is stuffing it to the brim with newspaper, wrapping paper, and twigs and lighting a match.

Posted by: Bad Advice Fireplace[/i] at January 31, 2014 11:00 AM (oGrEy)

537 Now that's being an adrenalin junkie.

Posted by: SFGoth at January 31, 2014 11:00 AM (CyDmM)

538 Always eat a ham sandwich before taking a nap.

Posted by: Mama Cass at January 31, 2014 11:00 AM (RJMhd)

539

In many ways, this is the story of Obama.

Stealing and using everywhere on the internet.

 

Posted by: drowningpuppies at January 31, 2014 11:00 AM (012vu)

540 It's OK to light those firecrackers that failed to explode.  You'll have plenty of time to throw it before the short fuse ignites the firecracker.

Posted by: Bad Parenting Advice at January 31, 2014 11:00 AM (Kkt/i)

541 Ask what "x" means.

Posted by: Bad AoSHQ Advice at January 31, 2014 11:01 AM (PYAXX)

542 The Ground Prong on a cord is superfluous. Best just to cut it off. Especially on kitchen and bathroom appliances.

Posted by: Bad Electrical Advice at January 31, 2014 11:01 AM (mXe2q)

543 Make sure when you're eating a ham sandwich in bed that you chew it,not swallow it whole Zombie Mama Cass

Posted by: hello, it's me also a creep-assed cracka.. at January 31, 2014 11:01 AM (9+ccr)

544 After watching each episode, DO try it at home.

Posted by: Bad Mythbusters Advice at January 31, 2014 11:01 AM (tv7DV)

545 Plant a tree. Save a life.

Posted by: Zombie Sonny Bono at January 31, 2014 11:01 AM (5z3cc)

546 his lawyer has written an offer of proof so they give him immunity I bet And in it he says Christy knew at the time. Still doesn't say he ordered it

Posted by: thunderb at January 31, 2014 11:01 AM (zOTsN)

547 535 Don't over chew your food. Posted by: Zombie Momma Cass at January 31, 2014 04:00 PM (5z3cc) ********* Yikes!

Posted by: Mama Cass at January 31, 2014 11:01 AM (RJMhd)

548 Yes, go ahead and let that recluse spider climb onto your neck.  It just wants to kiss you.

Posted by: Bad spider advice at January 31, 2014 11:01 AM (BkpOh)

549 When dealing with Border Guards in the formerly Communist Czechoslovakia, make sure to make a smart ass joke about the bomb your friend is trying to smuggle in.

Posted by: Bad Circumstance Advice at January 31, 2014 11:01 AM (32Ze2)

550 Wall Street Journal ‏@WSJ now New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie knew of lane closures at the George Washington Bridge, contrary to earlier claims. http://on.wsj.com/1iVePPM

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 31, 2014 11:02 AM (DmNpO)

551 When you see the President run towards him yelling and waving your arms so that he knows you are excited to meet him.

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 11:02 AM (hLRSq)

552 Come into a thread at 530 and ask "what did I miss?"

Posted by: Guy who feels bad about tweaking NDH, but not that bad at January 31, 2014 11:02 AM (A0sHn)

553 When your  computer is acting up, take it to The Geek Squad to repair.  They'll ignore  all the videos and photos you have stored on your machine.  It's none of  their business, after all. 

Posted by: Bad Pedo Advice at January 31, 2014 11:02 AM (TOk1P)

554 If a phrase seems unfamiliar to you here, and you are at work, Urban Dictionary is a good family friendly resource.

Posted by: Bad Advice AoS at January 31, 2014 11:02 AM (oGrEy)

555 If someone says "I'll be back", don't believe them.

Posted by: Bad desk sargeant advice at January 31, 2014 11:02 AM (1Rgee)

556 I see I was a moment too slow.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 31, 2014 11:02 AM (DmNpO)

557 It was odd how, during Christy's press conference, carefully explained his relationship with David Wildstein, making sure everyone understood they were not 'childhood friends.'

Posted by: soothsayer at January 31, 2014 11:03 AM (jRs7b)

558 The next time you visit a halal eatery, make sure to order the bagels and lox. 

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 11:03 AM (4df7R)

559 I see I was a moment too slow. Me too...

Posted by: hello, it's me also a creep-assed cracka.. at January 31, 2014 11:03 AM (9+ccr)

560
If you think someone is selling your stuff, go confront them at a hotel with some buddies and some firearms.

Posted by: OJ Simpson at January 31, 2014 11:03 AM (n0DEs)

561 What did I miss? what's with the bad advice theme? Garrett's fault!

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 11:03 AM (cUARf)

562 he knew. Fine. Do they have proof he ordered it

Posted by: thunderb at January 31, 2014 11:03 AM (zOTsN)

563 If you have a chest pain--go take a crap.

Posted by: Elvis On The Toilet at January 31, 2014 11:03 AM (RJMhd)

564 Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 31, 2014 03:59 PM (DmNpO) Someone referred to the fact that, in the video, the rescuers seem to try to talk to the unconscious dude. That lead to the bad advice of "If you're okay, hang limply" (or something like that- ~600 comments in, I'm not going back and checking). That morphed into "Bad X Advice" where 'X' is whatever you can think of.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) Ah, F It. at January 31, 2014 11:03 AM (PYAXX)

565  CHRISTY KNEW

Posted by: thunderb

Just read that.  Christie must have given that guy one too many wedgies in high school.

Posted by: Dang at January 31, 2014 11:04 AM (MNq6o)

566

530 -

 

Don't ask, just go with it.  I  just assume nobody else knows wither. 

Posted by: Bad Pedo Advice at January 31, 2014 11:04 AM (TOk1P)

567 When cleaning your gun, make sure it is loaded. You never know when someone will attack you. Serious question: Has anyone actually killed themselves while "cleaning their gun"? I always assumed that was a euphemism. When I clean mine I break it apart before I clean it, then only put it back together when I'm done. I do a function check, I can see that part going wrong, if you're an idiot. If you shoot yourself in the gut or leg, you're stupid. If you shoot yourself in the head or upper torso, you probably meant to do that.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b][/s][/s] at January 31, 2014 11:05 AM (A0glY)

568 CHRISTY KNEW So, throw the bum out...

Posted by: hello, it's me also a creep-assed cracka.. at January 31, 2014 11:05 AM (9+ccr)

569 To preserve freshness until the last possible minute, put the turkey into the fryer while still frozen.

Posted by: Bad Thanksgiving Advice at January 31, 2014 11:05 AM (/29Nl)

570 Don't be blaming me, dammit. I think it was Flatbush Joe... I was just piling on.

Posted by: garrett at January 31, 2014 11:05 AM (5z3cc)

571 Take the devil's advocate position on every       welfare     issue, and tell     people how your family cheats the system.

Posted by: Bad AOS Advice at January 31, 2014 11:05 AM (aq5Dc)

572 If the Russian spooks alert you to potential terrorists, ignore them.

Posted by: Bad FBI Advice at January 31, 2014 11:05 AM (aDwsi)

573

Marksmanship training wastes ammunition and wears out the minion's weapons, so be thrifty and eliminate that from your budget.

 

-Bad Evil Villian Advice

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 11:05 AM (hLRSq)

574

566 -

 

Holy crap, I am so glad I forgot to change my nic.  That  has me giggling like a school girl. 

Posted by: BurtTC at January 31, 2014 11:05 AM (TOk1P)

575 You should digitally edit SW IV "A New Hope" to make Han shoot first.

Posted by: Bad George Lucas Advice at January 31, 2014 11:05 AM (Kkt/i)

576 When someone calls you and asks for your name, SSN, and mother's maiden name, give it to them.  They probably need it for something important.

Posted by: Bad Elderly Advice at January 31, 2014 11:06 AM (tv7DV)

577 When you're going   to be testifying in court about a letter your wrote, make sure to    have someone else actually write the letter,      using a style of handwriting that you are unable to read.  It will make you seem sympathetic to the jury and the    opposing attorney will    go easy on you.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 11:06 AM (4df7R)

578 Make sure to record everything that happens in the Oval Office on your personal tape recorder. Everything will work out fine.

Posted by: Aetius451AD at January 31, 2014 11:06 AM (TGgNi)

579 It curious that they say he knew. Saying he knew there are some lane closures and traffic problems on the bridge, at the time they were happening, is different than ordering it Curious they say he knew, but not, he ordered it

Posted by: thunderb at January 31, 2014 11:06 AM (zOTsN)

580 If you're going to win in a landslide anyway, it's best to mess with the people who didn't vote for you by closing their bridges and stuff. They'll chuckle at your creativity.

Posted by: Bad Persidential Campaing Advice at January 31, 2014 11:07 AM (/o+xv)

581

CHRISTY KNEW 

 

What's the next headline..."Christy Knew Because He Gave the Order"...?

 

Posted by: wheatie at January 31, 2014 11:07 AM (dvPw2)

582 This is why jumping out of helicopters is way better than jumping out of planes. 

None of this 'falling 20,000 feet' bullshit to contend with.

Posted by: Washington Nearsider at January 31, 2014 11:08 AM (fwARV)

583 If you're looking for longterm career security, train as hard as you possibly can to become a member of the Enterprise security team with a specialization in accompanying the captain and command crew on away missions.

Posted by: Bad career advice at January 31, 2014 11:08 AM (VtjlW)

584 Someone referred to the fact that, in the video, the rescuers seem to try to talk to the unconscious dude. That lead to the bad advice of "If you're okay, hang limply" (or something like that- ~600 comments in, I'm not going back and checking). That morphed into "Bad X Advice" where 'X' is whatever you can think of. **** Ha! Bad advice, indeed.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 31, 2014 11:08 AM (DmNpO)

585 Buy US Bonds!

Posted by: Bad Investment Advice at January 31, 2014 11:08 AM (5z3cc)

586 When directing subordinates to commit potentially criminal acts, make sure to leave as large a paper trail as possible.

Posted by: Bad NJ Governor Advice at January 31, 2014 11:08 AM (tv7DV)

587 If you see that you have a shot at catching that foul ball.... GO FOR IT.

Posted by: Steve Bartman at January 31, 2014 11:08 AM (32Ze2)

588

NDH:   It started with ace in  the post:

 

The most important thing that happened can't be captured by video: the other divers' internal realization that their unconscious friend was falling like a rag doll, not like a conscious man.

 

 

Which led to this:

 

 

7 "If everything's OK, act like a rag doll."
 

Posted by: Bad Skydiving Signals at January 31, 2014 02:38 PM (RUvjp)

 

 

And it kind of just exploded from there.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 11:08 AM (4df7R)

589 When running for President be sure to wave binders full of Woman at every stop.... Works every time...

Posted by: hello, it's me also a creep-assed cracka.. at January 31, 2014 11:08 AM (9+ccr)

590 When you get back from your next business trip, ask your wife if she can look at the red rash that is forming on your junk.

Posted by: JackStraw at January 31, 2014 11:09 AM (g1DWB)

591 Vote for the guy who wants to fundamentally transform your country.

Posted by: Bad political advice at January 31, 2014 11:09 AM (1Rgee)

592

This is why jumping out of helicopters is way better than jumping out of planes.


None of this 'falling 20,000 feet' bullshit to contend with.

 

Posted by: Washington Nearsider at January 31, 2014 04:08 PM (fwARV)

 

 

HAH!   There you are!   I said upthread that I remembered you    mentioning    that   jumping out of one was better than jumping out of the other, but I couldn't remember which.  

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 11:09 AM (4df7R)

593 574 566 - Holy crap, I am so glad I forgot to change my nic. That has me giggling like a school girl. Posted by: BurtTC at January 31, 2014 04:05 PM (TOk1P) ********* LOL! omg.

Posted by: Elvis On The Toilet at January 31, 2014 11:09 AM (RJMhd)

594

When surfing the web at work always leave your speakers on because everyone enjoys those auto-start videos.

 

 

-Bad Workplace Advice

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Buy a Hissy or Coniption, Get a Free Fitting! at January 31, 2014 11:09 AM (hLRSq)

595 If you're going to get revenge on a renegade mayor, do it in the most conspicuous way possible, pissing off off as many people as you can in the process.

Posted by: Chris Christie's Advice Column at January 31, 2014 11:10 AM (DmNpO)

596

If your a man  at  the Sochi olympics, and you see Vladamir Putin, go over and give him a sloppy french kiss.  It will assure world peace and harmony. 

Posted by: Bad American tourist advice at January 31, 2014 11:10 AM (BkpOh)

597 Vote for the guy who wants to fundamentally transform your country Wow you just harshed my buzz..

Posted by: hello, it's me also a creep-assed cracka.. at January 31, 2014 11:10 AM (9+ccr)

598 One more ground ball and we almost have this one wrapped up!

Posted by: Bill Buckner at January 31, 2014 11:10 AM (32Ze2)

599 If you know there's a new thread, don't tell anybody.  They're happier where they are.

Posted by: Bad AoSHQ Advice at January 31, 2014 11:10 AM (tv7DV)

600 Cruise near playgrounds in your windowless van, and ask the kids if they want some candy.  The cops will applaud your generosity.

Posted by: Bad Life Advice at January 31, 2014 11:10 AM (DrWcr)

601 If you get a call at 3 a.m. from some ambassador, ignore it. He's probably pranking you.

Posted by: Bad State Deparment Advice at January 31, 2014 11:10 AM (aDwsi)

602 we have nothing to fear from Barack Obama

Posted by: john McCain at January 31, 2014 11:11 AM (zOTsN)

603 When you link NSFW videos at AoSHQ, label them SFW. The horde loves that joke. Bad AoSHQ Advice

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 11:11 AM (cUARf)

604
AoS 'ettes love spiders. Linking large photos of face sized spiders is a blog-approved way to make friends and influence people.


Posted by: Bad AoSHQ Advice at January 31, 2014 11:11 AM (TIIx5)

605 At buffets, make sure to eat the poorly prepared shellfish.

Posted by: Aetius451AD at January 31, 2014 11:11 AM (TGgNi)

606 I said upthread that I remembered you mentioning that jumping out of one was better than jumping out of the other, but I couldn't remember which.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at January 31, 2014 04:09 PM (4df7R)

I have 8 jumps from fixed-wing aircraft, but fuck that noise. 

Posted by: Washington Nearsider at January 31, 2014 11:12 AM (fwARV)

607 Serious question: Has anyone actually killed themselves while "cleaning their gun"?  Posted by: bonhomme

I'm sure someone has.  I've met two guys who've accidentally shot themselves.  One was while cleaning a pistol and he took the bullet in the leg.  Very easily could have hit that femoral artery.

Posted by: Dang at January 31, 2014 11:12 AM (MNq6o)

608 To ingratiate yourself to the blog, post links to ghey pr0n and call the moronettes selfish bitches.

Posted by: Bad Curious Advice at January 31, 2014 11:12 AM (tv7DV)

609 Cooked Chicken should bleed like steak.

Posted by: Bad Food Advice at January 31, 2014 11:13 AM (32Ze2)

610 "If everything's OK, act like a rag doll." Posted by: Bad Skydiving Signals at January 31, 2014 02:38 PM (RUvjp) And it kind of just exploded from there. It's Friday.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 31, 2014 11:13 AM (cUARf)

611 Tell the 'ettes that their identities and value derive solely from their lady parts.  They'll find it empowering. 

Posted by: Bad AOSHQ Advice at January 31, 2014 11:13 AM (DrWcr)

612 When at a Japanese restaurant ask for the Fugu and eat the whole thing...

Posted by: hello, it's me also a creep-assed cracka.. at January 31, 2014 11:14 AM (9+ccr)

613
Two words: London Boys Rickroll



Posted by: Bad AoSHQ Advice at January 31, 2014 11:14 AM (TIIx5)

614 The water certainly LOOKS clean enough to drink.

Posted by: Bad Outdoorsman Advise at January 31, 2014 11:14 AM (32Ze2)

615 Working on home electrical circuitry? Flipping the breaker before starting is for pussies...

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars [/i] [/b] [/s] at January 31, 2014 11:14 AM (skFw3)

616 Find hot girls with low self-esteem.

Oh, wait, we're doing BAD advice?

Posted by: Washington Nearsider at January 31, 2014 11:15 AM (fwARV)

617 Put Baby in the corner.  She loves that.

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at January 31, 2014 11:15 AM (wjJGE)

618 Flipping the breaker before starting is for pussies...

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars™ at January 31, 2014 04:14 PM (skFw3)

Well... You are what you eat...

Posted by: Washington Nearsider at January 31, 2014 11:15 AM (fwARV)

619 When a girl asks what you find attractive in a woman- say huge knockers. Bonus points if she is flat chested.

Posted by: Aetius451AD at January 31, 2014 11:15 AM (TGgNi)

620

"In many ways, this is the story of Obama."

 

It may yet have a much different ending.  And we're harnessed to him.

Posted by: Ray Van Dune at January 31, 2014 11:16 AM (Dxb1S)

621 Permit the defendant to put on blue gloves before trying on the gloves found at the crime scene. The jury will appreciate your concern for hygiene.

Posted by: Bad Advice for Lawyers [/i] at January 31, 2014 11:16 AM (oGrEy)

622 Whenever betting against a Sicilian, always raise to "Death".

Posted by: Bad Gambling Advice at January 31, 2014 11:16 AM (mXe2q)

623 "In many ways, this is the story of Obama."

It may yet have a much different ending. And we're harnessed to him.

Posted by: Ray Van Dune at January 31, 2014 04:16 PM (Dxb1S)

 

Don't worry, I'm sure you'll break my fall.

Posted by: Barry Soetero at January 31, 2014 11:17 AM (DrWcr)

624

New Krispy thread!

 

 

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/i][/u][/b] at January 31, 2014 11:17 AM (4df7R)

625 The bulge under that guy's NRA jacket?  It's probably a wallet loaded with cash!

Posted by: Bad Mugger Advice at January 31, 2014 11:17 AM (tv7DV)

626 Spot your significant other across the room at a Sotheby's auction of fine art? Wave - just to let him/her know that they are in your thoughts!

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars [/i] [/b] [/s] at January 31, 2014 11:17 AM (skFw3)

627 "Damn girl,  I just gotta tap that ass of yours!" is a great "ice breaker" at office parties.

Posted by: Dang at January 31, 2014 11:18 AM (MNq6o)

628 Crappy white service vans work the best for storing your tools of the trade and are natural child magnets.

Posted by: Bad Pedo Advice at January 31, 2014 11:18 AM (Kkt/i)

629 "Damn girl, I just gotta tap that ass of yours!" is a great "ice breaker" at office parties.

Posted by: Dang at January 31, 2014 04:18 PM (MNq6o)

I wanna be on you.

Posted by: Ron Burgandy at January 31, 2014 11:18 AM (fwARV)

630 He's right, these probably aren't the driods we're looking for.

Posted by: Bad Stromtrooper Advice at January 31, 2014 11:19 AM (H0k3f)

631 Make sure to piss of your waiter at a restaurant. They may have complete control and access to your food, but they are all ethical and refined types.

Posted by: Aetius451AD at January 31, 2014 11:20 AM (TGgNi)

632 Invade Russia in the winter.  It will keep your engines from overheating.

Posted by: Bad Invader Advice at January 31, 2014 11:21 AM (tv7DV)

633 Serious question: Has anyone actually killed themselves while "cleaning their gun"? Posted by: bonhomme ----------------- My Dad shot himself in the hand cleaning his .45 while an MP in the Air Force. Lent the weapon to another MP and didn't check to see if the other guy had chambered a round.

Posted by: LFW - Honorary Pointy-Eared Vulcan at January 31, 2014 11:22 AM (V40IZ)

634 When your man comes home and is miserable because of a bad day, interrupt him and tell him why your day was worse because of trivial stupid crap like finding out your rival in high school looks hotter than you and you broke a nail while posting on facebook. He'll cheer right up.
-Bad Relationship Advice

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at January 31, 2014 11:25 AM (zfY+H)

635 Always inform your waiter that you are an extremely knowledgeable customer with very little patience. Remind them that if they perform up to your expectations they will be assured the customary 8% gratuity.

Posted by: Bad Dining Advice at January 31, 2014 11:27 AM (5z3cc)

636 Sign up for the military under a Democrat, the president doesn't make that much difference to your mission or the military. -Bad Recruiting Advice

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at January 31, 2014 11:28 AM (zfY+H)

637 what a stupid thread

Posted by: model_1066 at January 31, 2014 11:28 AM (LIQGY)

638
5 second grenade fuses are extremely precise.

Posted by: Bad Military Advice at January 31, 2014 11:32 AM (TIIx5)

639 That minefield sign? Really a decoy.

Posted by: Aetius451AD at January 31, 2014 11:34 AM (TGgNi)

640 Everybody, grab your monkey.

Posted by: Tony Stark at January 31, 2014 11:57 AM (V4CBV)

641 Always believe the movie critics.

Posted by: Bad Movie-going Advise at January 31, 2014 11:59 AM (nbGZj)

642 When your girlfriend tells you that she's gained ten pounds, tell her that's a conservative estimate.

Posted by: Bad Relationship Advice at January 31, 2014 12:02 PM (q/PkG)

643 Wow, very impressive work on the part of his crew. I think it's something, they flat out saved his life while risking their own. I remember an incident years ago where there was a collision before the chute deployed and it tore someone's arm off. Nice job, guys!

Posted by: RM at January 31, 2014 12:16 PM (fRppw)

644 They didn't save him on their own, somebody helped them. There was a great skydiving teacher somewhere in their life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system of air traffic control that we have that allowed them to jump out of a plane. Somebody invested in airports and radar. They didn't build that.

Posted by: Barack Obama at January 31, 2014 02:38 PM (SZUi2)

645 Get a refund on the helmet.  Isn't the reason you wear a helmet is so that someone doesn't knock you out?

Posted by: tug at January 31, 2014 03:13 PM (Os2jE)

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