April 26, 2006

Sad But Funny Yahoo Personal Ad
— Ace

I'm not going to link this woman's actual Yahoo personal ad, so as to not make life difficult for her. But trust me, it's real, I just copied and pasted from it.

Check out what she wants in a man:

I'm looking for a side-kick, a Sun-Dance, a man who can read my smile from across the room and know what I'm thinking. A best friend, really -- someone who'll try to make me giggle in somber places.

When I nap, he'll cover me with a soft blanket, and he'd break the sound barrier to get to me if I ever call him in distress.

We'd show all of our faces to each other, without fear, craving the magic that happens every time we're in each other's presence. Our conversations outlast any candle, our companionship a source of envy.

Together, we'd be like school children, team-mates, lab partners, lovers of mystery and exploration.

He'll love to be read to and will help me pick out wallpaper. He'll try very hard to remember the important days in my year and prefer unmarked paths to pavement, and a good hike over fame.

He'll be equally at home in a nature preserve, a nightclub, a dingy diner or a ballpark. My ideal man is one who roots out what doesn't belong in him and sees life in the details. He needs solitude from time to time and doesn't desire advantage over others. Wind does funny things to him and he'll know how to teach kindness.

Of course, he'll have "a past", but won't compare me or any other woman to the Ex that was left behind (or the one who broke his heart multiple times!)

He believes in creating miracles. He'll like to share thoughts, desserts, leaves. He strains for good words the way astronomers strain for new stars. He'll giggle intermittently and won't mind if I sometimes leave the dishes until morning. He'll have much to teach me; our chemistry will be palpable; and the good in him will see the good in me...

I think she forgot the most important attribute she wants in her man: a vagina.

She's very long-winded about what she wants in a man, isn't she? I think I can make some judicious cuts and edits to shorten up what she's really trying to say.

This is the short version of her personal ad:

I WANT TO DIE ALONE.

I think women have to reduce their expectations. Isn't it enough that we have the common courtesy to apologize for farting while we watch football?

Well, not apologize, really, but simply inform/warn, as in, "Ahhhhh... yeah, that's gonna leave a mark in the morning. You might want to take a few minutes to leave the room. Maybe make a sandwich for me while you're up."

Seriously, ladies, grow up. Stop looking for "love;" start looking for "benign indifference." You'll be happy you did.

Thanks to The Shadow.

Posted by: Ace at 07:14 AM | Comments (98)
Post contains 501 words, total size 3 kb.

1 so, she's looking for her own "Sun-Dance".

i'm just guessing here, but wouldn't that make her "Butch"?

Posted by: MajMike at April 26, 2006 07:19 AM (NMK3S)

2 To damn funny...can't wait for the wife to read it...

Posted by: Eric Smith at April 26, 2006 07:20 AM (1QbGq)

3 Ace: what are you doing on Yahoo personals? Looking for love?

Any luck?

Posted by: tinkerbelle at April 26, 2006 07:26 AM (LvmZM)

4 Gosh, and I thought I was expecting too much of my hubby when I asked him to stop for dinner on his way home from work twice last week! This woman will never be happy.

Posted by: Daisy at April 26, 2006 07:26 AM (oXHyU)

5 I am really, really close on this one.

Too bad I already done got married.

Posted by: Knemon at April 26, 2006 07:26 AM (jdCW6)

6 I think the part where she mentions "Wind does funny things to him" cover the farting while watching football warnings.

Posted by: Abdul at April 26, 2006 07:27 AM (qYvzW)

7 I'm guessing she's early 40's, never been married, never had any children.

Posted by: Mark V. at April 26, 2006 07:27 AM (2ipxY)

8 Together, we'd be like school children, team-mates, lab partners, lovers of mystery and exploration.
==============
Possible.

He'll love to be read to and will help me pick out wallpaper.
==============
Impossible.

He'll try very hard to remember the important days in my year and prefer unmarked paths to pavement, and a good hike over fame.
==============
Ditto - totally idealized

He'll be equally at home in a nature preserve, a nightclub, a dingy diner or a ballpark.
==============
The female version of the "she'll be equally at ease wearing jeans or a party black dress" that are posted in 30 billion of the guy's profiles

The problem is some people want their imagined partner to fulfill every emotional need and necessarily share every cultural/professional interest. That's totally unreal.

Now between that and the extreme opposite, like having some fat, ugly, smelly farting excuse of a man lazying around on the sofa all day long with the "get me another beer " line, I must say there is a long continuum in the middle ( and thank heavens for that!)

;-)

Posted by: alessandra at April 26, 2006 07:27 AM (kZyb6)

9 Let's cut her some slack.

Posted by: Hillary Clinton at April 26, 2006 07:28 AM (O+1/6)

10 Huh, I thought I might qualify for a second, but then I remembered, oh yeah, I'm heterosexual.

Posted by: Russell at April 26, 2006 07:28 AM (9Pb8O)

11 My personal add would read:

"I want someone with Tits.

Big, jiggling tits.

And a vagina. "

Posted by: Sack of Crap at April 26, 2006 07:30 AM (KeOQp)

12 Ace, here's a good project for you: create the male version of that ad.

I am quite sure hilarity would ensue.

Posted by: Russell at April 26, 2006 07:31 AM (9Pb8O)

13 Poor girl. I just don't have the heart to tell her John Denver already died.

Posted by: Confederate Yankee at April 26, 2006 07:31 AM (g5Nba)

14 Now between that and the extreme opposite, like having some fat, ugly, smelly farting excuse of a man lazying around on the sofa all day long with the "get me another beer " line, I must say there is a long continuum in the middle ( and thank heavens for that!)

;-)

===================
although the distribution is like those weird curve bells that is totally slanted towards the latter end

Posted by: alessandra at April 26, 2006 07:32 AM (9Rcr5)

15 Hey! Not all women think like that. Don't go for the generalizations. I'll fart and belch and do everything "the boys" do. I may be one of a kind, but you can't say that I need to grow up. maybe It's cause I never had any expectations (as you put it) in the first place. And I do know what love is in my wonderful chauvinistic pig of a boyfriend, the darling.

Maybe it's you who needs an attitude change or just a good fuck, sex fixes everything.

And you can go make your own sandwich, I'll miss the game if I do.

Posted by: Beth at April 26, 2006 07:34 AM (9kpZi)

16 You know, aside from the male-female component, I feel like that ad describes our relationship, Ace.

Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 26, 2006 07:36 AM (yZMsp)

17 Even John Denver had more balls than this hypothetical loser.

The male version of this ad:

Teen Asian Anal Cum Sluts wanted!
Preferably the new improved ultra-jiggly version
.

Posted by: Iblis at April 26, 2006 07:36 AM (9221z)

18 I think the whole thing is a hoax. It sounds to me like some CIA analyst using code to pass information on to some Pulitzer Prize winning journalist.

I mean, c'mon, there has to be a code in there somewhere.

Posted by: RLS at April 26, 2006 07:37 AM (Lh7Vt)

19
A quick google search for one of the sentences will turn up her ad. Oddly enough she's in Pittsburgh (same as me) and is divorced. I can't believe someone walked out on this.

Posted by: jack at April 26, 2006 07:39 AM (DbDi4)

20 Too.much.Oprah.

Posted by: Gordon at April 26, 2006 07:41 AM (GzHh/)

21 If she pins her hopes on that ad, that woman will end up disappointed. However, if I steal that and flip the gender references, that would be pure gold! I'd get so many first dates, I'd need to add extra days to the week to fit them in. May not turn into second dates. But first dates, oh yeah.

Posted by: Terry Notus at April 26, 2006 07:43 AM (MN5ov)

22 I don't know if it's possible to post responses to ads on Yahooo, but on Craigslist it is/was possible.

Last summer, I used to peruse the women-seeking-men ads to read the responses. Some of them were very funny.

Posted by: Bart at April 26, 2006 07:49 AM (Y5rhe)

23 I need a woman who's not so needy!...now I know why I'm single!

Posted by: billygoat at April 26, 2006 07:50 AM (TNGrH)

24 "Our conversations outlast any candle"

If by conversation you mean sex and by candle you mean about 10 minutes and if the wind blowing my toupee off is a funny thing and you're not as fat as a chick who write some childish shit like this, then we should hook up.

Posted by: JUST CRUMBS at April 26, 2006 07:52 AM (Dw7r9)

25 Bitch probably wants to cuddle, too.

Posted by: harrison at April 26, 2006 07:52 AM (ZBys+)

26 I won't rest until romance novels have the same stigma attached to them that pornography does.

The line between this woman and a man bemoaning his inability to find a barely-18 woman with an oral fetish is fine.

Posted by: tachyonshuggy at April 26, 2006 07:54 AM (w0dpL)

27 I giggle intermittently, and wind does crazy things to me. I teach kindness 101 at the local comm college... I think I am in love

Posted by: Panic at April 26, 2006 07:56 AM (BNlV7)

28 I'll agree with Mark V. in that I'm picturing someone in her early 40s who's never been married.

The rest of the mental image I'm getting: Kind of soft and doughy, loves wearing floral prints and rarely shaves her legs. Has attended upwards of 50 Lilith Fair concerts.

Posted by: Beth (the other one) at April 26, 2006 08:00 AM (FHWDC)

29 Ace I wish you'd have provided teh link as she sounds haaawt, but here is what I'd say if I could reply to her:

He'll be equally at home in a nature preserve, a nightclub, a dingy diner or a ballpark.

I'm equally at home in front of a computer playing world of warcraft, playing D & D downstairs in the basement, or watching TV in the living room.

My ideal man is one who roots out what doesn't belong in him and sees life in the details.

I root out what belongs in others and see death and misery in the details.

He needs solitude from time to time

That sounds good.

and doesn't desire advantage over others

I don't desire interaction with others so that's easy enough.

Wind does funny things to him

But not the "ha ha" kind of funny...

and he'll know how to teach kindness.

I know how to teach kindness to my needs and point of view, and am happy to provide this service free.

Of course, he'll have "a past", but won't compare me or any other woman to the Ex that was left behind (or the one who broke his heart multiple times!)

I'm sorry, is there anything else worth talking about than that?

He believes in creating miracles. He'll like to share thoughts, desserts, leaves.

Not very good at walking on water but I can kind of manage very marshy ground... plenty of thoughts to share on steamy topics like politics and RPGs... you can have all of my leaves, I promise - really (?)... dessert's all mine though, getcher own.

He strains for good words the way astronomers strain for new stars.

I make faces when I strain also, and sometimes say things like "urrggh", and "flum" when I do.

He'll giggle intermittently

Especially when I haven't taken my meds in a few days.

and won't mind if I sometimes leave the dishes until morning.

Knock yourself out baby - why not make it a week?

He'll have much to teach me; our chemistry will be palpable; and the good in him will see the good in me...

ZOMG I teach u soo much about online RPGs and the d20 system!!1! When can we meet????

Posted by: Scott at April 26, 2006 08:01 AM (f8958)

30 I've seen some of these Yahoo personal ads, and by far the most prevalent criteria I've seen that women have for the men are that they be "professionals" and/or "financially independent/secure" (which is code for "makes a lot of money"). I imagine a lot of guys reading these are thinking, "And just what exactly do YOU bring to the table (that your picture doesn't bear out)."

Posted by: Mark V. at April 26, 2006 08:05 AM (2ipxY)

31 This is the second time that Ace admitted to perusing the "personal ads." What's up with that?

Posted by: shawn at April 26, 2006 08:07 AM (64YAc)

32 I see cats. Lots of cats. And they're her "children."

Posted by: Sean M. at April 26, 2006 08:08 AM (dc5zY)

33 I think I dated that chick.

She drove me nuts and she was lousy in bed. Always kept trying to read stuff to me.

Posted by: mesablue at April 26, 2006 08:12 AM (DzeyU)

34 I won't rest until romance novels have the same stigma attached to them that pornography does.

Amen.

Posted by: OregonMuse at April 26, 2006 08:13 AM (gWvet)

35 Clearly, Jane Fonda wants to get married again.

But I think the kind of "vagina friendly" guy she's looking for isn't trolling for boobies at singles' sites.

Posted by: ccwbass at April 26, 2006 08:14 AM (slIrn)

36 Dear FiFi,

Amazingly, we have a confluence of spirit with our insatiable desire to view wallpaper. I feel like one when reading your loving monologue.

Please email me immediately so we can meet physically and bump humps. I anxiously await the opportunity to view your nakedness and squirm and sweat on your bones.

With Love,

Rosie O'Donnell

Posted by: Grouper at April 26, 2006 08:14 AM (YiMz2)

37 As I read the ad, I thought, all this verbiage is crapola. She really doesn't want this. What she wants is some hairy beast of a man who will bend her over the back of a couch and take her (roughly) from behind, just like what happens in those bodice-ripping romance novels she reads one or two of every week.

Posted by: OregonMuse at April 26, 2006 08:18 AM (gWvet)

38 Rove, you magnificent bastard. You've outdone yourself again.

Posted by: jb at April 26, 2006 08:18 AM (1U7ie)

39 Tell ya what. I'll be all of those things to her if she'll just tell me how attractive my scrotum is. That's all I want. I never hear, pistolero, what a fine scrotum you have. It's all wrinkly and hairy.

Posted by: Pistolero at April 26, 2006 08:21 AM (yGhBp)

40 She mentions nothing about penis size, annual income, or a perfect head of hair. My God! She's perfect.

See you losers later! I'm off to quit my job at McDonald's, shine my head, and have my balls cut off. Here I come my queen! My Holy Grail! My Sacred Feminine! My Mona Lisa!

Posted by: compos mentis at April 26, 2006 08:22 AM (xHpUK)

41 This tripe might be forgiven if the author was a 16 year-old writing in the back of her notebook in study hall.

There is one man who can meet all her criteria. I wish them the best.

Posted by: at April 26, 2006 08:25 AM (EI+zd)

42 compos mentis,

Stay away from my woman!!!!

This is the one I've been looking for all my life!

Posted by: Jay at April 26, 2006 08:39 AM (H5zz/)

43 Bart wrote:
Last summer, I used to peruse the women-seeking-men ads to read the responses. Some of them were very funny.

Unbeknownst to Bart, Timmy was in the next room perusing the men-seeking-men ads. They were so dirty, so awful, so wrong, and yet... Timmy couldn't quit. He felt so ashamed and worried. What if Bart found out? Sure, he's just call it more "research". But what if Bart didn't believe him? Even worse, what if Timmy didn't believe himself?

It was a long summer. The oppressive heat, the stifling air, and the secrecy and shame which Timmy wore on his shoulders like a millstone. We were all relieved when autumn finally arrived.

Posted by: sandy burger at April 26, 2006 08:39 AM (Uuy++)

44 {sigh} I think I'm in love.......

Posted by: The Brawny Guy at April 26, 2006 08:40 AM (AQGeh)

45 This is just a girl's version of the guy's Something About Mary.

Best movie line (not exact) ever said to a guy by a girl - you want to go upstairs and finish watching the end of sportscenter?

Posted by: roc ingersol at April 26, 2006 08:41 AM (m2CN7)

46 I have never been firmer in my commitment to homosexuality.

Posted by: Loundry at April 26, 2006 08:44 AM (svN5w)

47 Yeah, the gay ads I've seen (like Andrew Sullivan's) are at least a bit more up-front and specific.

None of this reading to each other shit, or sharing "leaves."

I woudn't mind sharing leaves if they could substitute for a birthday, valentine's day, anniversary, or Christmas gift.

"Here you go honey-- I spent a full three minutes looking on the street outside our building and I got you this beautiful, insect-eaten rotten leaf from an utterly common tree!"

"Oh baby, you're always thinking of me! It'll go so perfectly with all the others!"

Now that would be heaven.


Posted by: ace at April 26, 2006 08:48 AM (yQUbP)

48 Sandy, Bart said to tell you that 3,000 miles isn't that far.

Posted by: Timmy in the Well at April 26, 2006 08:50 AM (k9pcW)

49 I've never done this online dating stuff. I have an ex-girlfriend who's a big fan and keeps encouraging me to try it, but I don't think it's for me. I think I'd be too self-conscious.

Your old pal Sandy prefers to meet women the old-fashioned way: mail-order bride.

Posted by: sandy burger at April 26, 2006 08:55 AM (PQyeQ)

50 sex fixes everything.Except maybe for VD.

Posted by: Alex at April 26, 2006 08:56 AM (fgyj8)

51 Timmy, if there's ever an Ace of Spades party or something, I just hope that Bart kicks my ass immediately so we can just get the inevitable out of the way.

Posted by: sandy burger at April 26, 2006 08:59 AM (Cpse7)

52 Together, we'd be like school children, team-mates, lab partners, lovers of mystery and exploration.

Lab partners... Nothing kindles my desire more than a reminder of the skinny girl that stank of patchouli and wouldn't stop talking Germaine Greer I used to wash test tubes with.

darwinsmnoustache

Posted by: at April 26, 2006 09:01 AM (vLNLO)

53 Do sidekicks like getting kicked in the side?

Posted by: spurwing plover at April 26, 2006 09:02 AM (K3hNB)

54 I dunno...I might be willin' to help pick out wallpaper, but I'll be damned if I ever try to hang it again.

Posted by: Oldsmoblogger at April 26, 2006 09:02 AM (6W2zl)

55 Let me try my hand at the male version:

I'm looking for a towel-girl, a fart-lighter, a woman who can mix me a martini when I click at her as if she were a farm animal from across the room. A best lay, really -- someone who'll try to make me giggle by putting her tongue in unmentionable places.

When I nap, she'll get doe-eyed and compliant when I fart, and she'd wait patiently by the bed to take care of any morning wood.

We'd show all of our smells to each other, without fear, craving who can out-do each other with the foulness of eachothers' bodies. Our coversations about mixed-martial-arts outlast any episode of "Sex in the City" or whatever shows chicks like, our worship of my masculinity a source of envy.

Together, I'd be like the captian of the football team, the fearless American general, lovers of dominance and destruction. Every man of my caliber needs a lowly sidekick.

She'll love to be talked down to and will help me pick scabs from the acne on my back. She'll try very hard to forget all of her now unimportant days in her year and prefer to treat every day as reason why I give her life meaning as my personal scabbard, and a good back-door screw over fame.

She'll be equally at home making my breakfast, my lunch, my dinner, and wearing whatever I think looks hot. My ideal woman is one who roots out all resistance to my advances and sees life in my orgasm. She knows I need solitude from time to time and knows when to get the h*ll out of my way, and doesn't resist the thought of getting it on with another hot chick and letting me watch. Wind does funny things to me, and she'll learn to appreciate the smell of my wind. In fact, she'll make a mad nose-to-ass dash whenever I fart (or ask her to) just so I can be rewarded with her commentary.

Of course I have many notches on my belt of which she will be but one, but a very hot one for a very short time.

She believes in letting me break her in. She'll like ***, ***, ***, *** (fill in the blanks with explicit NSFW activities). She strains to get into every conceivable position. She'll giggle intermittently in that jailbait kind of way, playing to my secret desires. She'll have much to learn from me; our chemisty will be palpable; and the good in her will last for at least two weeks.

Posted by: Loundry at April 26, 2006 09:02 AM (svN5w)

56 How the FUCK did you get my ad? It was supposed to be CLASSIFIED!!!

Oh, God... I'm so lonely since Bill went back to that bitch, Hillary.......

Posted by: Madeline Albright at April 26, 2006 09:03 AM (AQGeh)

57 I don't know which was funnier, the ad or Ace's post.

No. It was Ace's short version of the ad.

Btw, the "thanks to Shadow" isn't fooling anyone Ace.

;-)

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at April 26, 2006 09:06 AM (mvCeX)

58 a man who can read my smile from across the room and know what I'm thinking.

probably new ways to make me effin miserable. I've seen that smile.

A best friend, really -- someone who'll try to make me giggle in somber places.

So like, I should tickle you at funerals? That does it for you?

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 26, 2006 09:11 AM (pzen5)

59 I know we've been sort of mean but maybe there are some of you that are actually interested in wall paper and sharing a chemistry set

the gal

I believe the personal should also say "must love kids".

darwinsmoustache

Posted by: darwin at April 26, 2006 09:15 AM (vLNLO)

60 For now she'll just be content with her 16 cats.

Posted by: bandit at April 26, 2006 09:16 AM (GFaLW)

61 He believes in creating miracles.

It'll be a fucking miracle if anyone answers this ad.

Posted by: wiserbud at April 26, 2006 09:16 AM (AQGeh)

62 Bad news for fart-lovers:A team of scientists from Simon Bolivar University, Caracas, Venezuela, have developed a way of preparing beans that don't fill you up with gas later on. It involves fermenting the beans with a bacterium that reduces the level of compounds which cause flatulence.

Posted by: Roy at April 26, 2006 09:17 AM (2XXia)

63 This has to be Maureen Dowd!!

Posted by: 3ID Guy at April 26, 2006 09:22 AM (jaHXU)

64 The comments to the post were beyond funny. Ya'll are some sick mofos. As stated repeatedly, she is going to grow old alone. I remember when I met my husband, all we did was screw and get drunk. Now that’s romance.

Posted by: Theresa at April 26, 2006 09:22 AM (sI5FT)

65 all we did was screw and get drunk.

so, it was a spiritual thing, huh?

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 26, 2006 09:26 AM (pzen5)

66 Yes Dave, it’s totally spiritual. We just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary. When it’s right, you screw and get drunk.

Posted by: Theresa at April 26, 2006 09:33 AM (sI5FT)

67 That seems backwards to me for some reason but to each their own!

Oh, and congrats on 21

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 26, 2006 09:39 AM (pzen5)

68 I tried looking for this ad on Yahoo Personals, but you can't do a keyword search without also providing a zip code or city.

Posted by: Mark V. at April 26, 2006 09:39 AM (2ipxY)

69 I just looked at her whole ad. She describes her personality type as "idealist". Duh. But there's actually a lot to like about her. First, she's not bad looking, although the laundry photo is too cute by half. Second, she's flexible on location, age, height, and body type. Even marital status! And heavy drinkers are OK too! Hey Kris, I’m short, fat, drunk, and married, but maybe we can have a fling? Guys near Pittsburg, don't let this one get away!!

Posted by: Captain Chaos at April 26, 2006 09:40 AM (zVHNC)

70 She sorta looks like Joey Lauren Adams.

Posted by: Knemon at April 26, 2006 09:41 AM (jdCW6)

71 That seems backwards to me for some reason

Yeah. Instead of "screw and get drunk", it should be "get drunk and screw".

Posted by: sandy burger at April 26, 2006 09:42 AM (Uuy++)

72 And I bet she has a lot of stautettes of unicorns. And is really into wicca, but only the white magic stuff.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at April 26, 2006 09:56 AM (O9Cc8)

73 This gal will be lonely for the rest of her life. Or very disappointed.

If you find a guy that has no major substance addictions, is gainfully employed, and treats you decently:

Shut up and get married already! Do you think you are such a catch?

Oy vey!

Posted by: Log Cabin at April 26, 2006 09:56 AM (Sc02F)

74 Now you know why I joined the Merchant Marines. Blow out your candles??.. More like blow out your brains am I rite folks?!

Posted by: Tom (Wingfield) at April 26, 2006 10:28 AM (89h2e)

75 fart, get drunk, have sex, vomit, watch Brokeback...

ah the beauty of romance in the ACE lifestyle...

Posted by: alessandra at April 26, 2006 10:53 AM (n/PLG)

76 Gee, this woman's in the Northeast. What...a...surprise.

Posted by: bbeck at April 26, 2006 11:36 AM (qF8q3)

77 She has inspired me to write my own Yahoo personal ad.
_______________________

I'm looking for a slutty little virgin, a woman who can read my smile from across the room and know what I'm thinking (SEX)). A slave, really -- someone who'll try to make me food whenever I want it.

When I nap, she'll cover me with a soft blanket, and she'll break the sound barrier to get to me if I ever want a BJ or just a beer..

We'd show all of our genitals each other, without fear, craving the magic that happens every time they're in each other's mouths. Our conversations outlast any commercial break and will always be about football; our companionship always open to paricipation by an additional woman.

Together, we'd be like rutting deer, horny dogs, lovers of mystery and sexual exploration.

She'll love to clean and will help me pick out a tie. She'll try very hard to remember not to talk too much and prefer silence over a slug in the kisser.

She'll be equally at home on her back, on all fours, on her knees or at a ballpark. My ideal woman is one who roots out what doesn't belong in her and doesn't have to be taken to a hospital to have it removed.

Se needs to give me solitude whenever I want it and doesn't desire anything that costs money.

Wind does funny things when it comes out of my butt and she'll think it's funny.

Of course, she won't have "a past", but will watch enough porn to know what to do.

She believes in creating miracles in the kitchen. She'll not like to share thoughts, or leaves. She strains to satisfy my every sexual whim the way a well-paid top-shelf whore strains to satisfy my every sexual whim She'll never giggle or leave the dishes until morning. She won't try to teach me or bother me when I'm watching TV or surfing for porn on the internet.

______________

I'm sure she's out there somewher.....

RWS? Kevlarchick, BBeck?

Posted by: Reddish Jode at April 26, 2006 11:52 AM (KeOQp)

78 Sorry, RJ, I don't qualify. But don't fret, I doubt you'd qualify for my personal ad, which would start off with...

I'm looking for a man who's willing to give me a full-body massage without expecting sex immediately afterwards. There's nothing more annoying than rubbing me to within 2 minutes of sleep and then waking me up in the most unpleasant way possible.

I have found that this is my husband's only significant flaw.

Posted by: bbeck at April 26, 2006 12:34 PM (qF8q3)

79 I'm looking for a man who's willing to give me a full-body massage without expecting sex immediately afterwards

Could we kinda put "immediately" into context? Maybe a 5-10 nap?

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 26, 2006 12:44 PM (BHywh)

80 Could we kinda put "immediately" into context? Maybe a 5-10 nap?

No.

Posted by: bbeck at April 26, 2006 12:47 PM (qF8q3)

81 Unless you're talking 5-10 HOURS.

Posted by: bbeck at April 26, 2006 01:05 PM (qF8q3)

82 I'm looking for a man who's willing to give me a full-body massage without expecting sex immediately afterwards.

I give up. Turns out, I really don't understand women.

Posted by: sandy burger at April 26, 2006 01:35 PM (ePQxy)

83 bbeck,

How much have I had to drink first? Cause if I'm three or four whiskies down and on Xanax, then I could handle that.

Posted by: reddish jode at April 26, 2006 02:48 PM (GUU0Q)

84 I'm looking for a slutty little virgin

Pardon me, but why this obsession with virgins? What's so exciting about copulating with someone who:
a. doesn't know what to do,
b. doesn't know what will happen,
c. is afraid,
d. will be in great pain,
e. completely ignorant on the matter,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera?

And considering some people want 72 virgins...I simply can't understand it. One would imagine one would want someone with more experience and appreciation and knowledge and enthusiasm.

Posted by: Muslihoon at April 26, 2006 03:35 PM (Q8UK2)

85 Ad Translations

DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses

FINE CHARACTER
She's an ex-hooker

KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY:
She's a spend thrift and great at spending yours

STRONG FAMILY TIES:
She's a Mafia Princess

LOVES CHILDREN:
She's pregnant and needs a husband

WONDERFUL PERSONALITY:
She's fat

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

THE OUTDOOR TYPE:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just like the guys

READY TO SETTLE DOWN:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry

LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME:
She gets drunk every time she goes out

LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES:
Often makes an ass of herself

MATURE WOMAN:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five

HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A YOUNG SCHOOL GIRL:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager

CASUAL:
She dresses like a slob

DECORATED HER OWN PLACE:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty

A GREAT DANCER:
She's a Stripper

NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day

DOESN'T CHASE MEN:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type

SELDOM DATES:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something

UNDERSTANDS MEN:
She's been married and divorced four times

LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A MODEL:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy-three pounds

BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS:
She's a former porn movie star

KNOWS A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE:
None of whom would marry her

Posted by: Alexander at April 26, 2006 03:55 PM (loUe8)

86 Yo, duds (most of youz anyway) That's a girl who's want to be loved and not just humped when-ever possible. Love them and they're respond. grow-up

Posted by: Jack at April 26, 2006 04:04 PM (lq/To)

87 lol loved your translations alexander gonna borrow them

Posted by: jones at April 26, 2006 04:47 PM (SJ35d)

88 Yo Jack,

STFU.

See, we like to joke around on this blog. Sometimes, it is at someone's expense. But, it is all generally in good fun. Save your reprimands for people who care what the hell you think.

Have a nice day.

Posted by: at April 26, 2006 04:57 PM (EI+zd)

89 Reddish Jode,

Sorry. Not me either.

Let's see. If I was dating now what would I put in a personal ad......Oh I know.....a suicide note.

Not many people know that I am really single. Widowed. And I wouldn't date if someone paid me a million bucks.

You guys are gross. And your the ones I really like.

;-)

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at April 26, 2006 05:42 PM (mvCeX)

90 Unless you're talking 5-10 HOURS.

You mean full body massages aren't supposed to be followed by sex?

*contemplates this startling new information*

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 27, 2006 03:10 AM (pzen5)

91 I had someone perfect in mind... til I read this: "I think she forgot the most important attribute she wants in her man: a vagina."

Then I tossed that idea and settled on John Kerry.

Posted by: Marc at April 27, 2006 04:45 AM (M9+ZP)

92 "a good hike over fame."
This line is soooo bogus! Every woman says it but what they mean is: "Shouldn't think work is more important than ME because he's already stinking rich"

What this woman really needs is a pit-bull or a lesbian...

Posted by: 5cats at April 27, 2006 07:33 AM (cVijR)

93 You mean full body massages aren't supposed to be followed by sex?

No! lol.

Massages are for RELAXING the woman, not stimulating her. Two ENTIRELY different things.

And yes, I'm well aware that touching a man under any circumstances is a prelude to sex (which is why you guys hate proctologists so much).

Posted by: bbeck at April 27, 2006 07:36 AM (qF8q3)

94 really?

I learn something new every day. And there's nothing I hate worse than the sound of a popping glove in the doctor's office.

Ok one thing, when he forgets to take off his class ring.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 27, 2006 07:40 AM (/PQWt)

95 Ok one thing, when he forgets to take off his class ring.

How about, when he LOSES his class ring?

Posted by: at April 27, 2006 07:50 AM (qF8q3)

96 No! lol. Massages are for RELAXING the woman, not stimulating her. Two ENTIRELY different things.

______________

Actually, I know something that can fulfill both peoples needs---Rohypnol!

Posted by: Reddish Jode at April 27, 2006 10:13 AM (KeOQp)

97 And there's nothing I hate worse than the sound of a popping glove in the doctor's office.

No kidding!

And it seems like the whole exam just goes on and on and on! And he makes you wear that blindfold so you don't know what's going on?

Posted by: Reddish Moron at April 27, 2006 10:17 AM (KeOQp)

98 That gal looks like Rene Zellwiger's older sister.

I feel sorry for the limpdick fuck who fits her personal profile of the perfect man. Sounds like what she really wants is- another sister.

Posted by: Barry at April 27, 2006 01:29 PM (kKjaJ)

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