April 29, 2005

Rosie's Magical Retard Epic: "Profoundly Embarassing"
— Ace

Allah (who actually tipped me to the Hitchhiker's review below, but I didn't hat-tip him, because I don't like him) tips to something even better: a NYT drubbing of Rosie's Emmy-bait droolfest.

This isn't going to be easy. ... I might ultimately tell you that your first impression [about this film] is right and that this is a profoundly embarrassing movie.



Ready? ... As Beth, Ms. O'Donnell dresses in wacky childish clothes and talks in a volume-inappropriate way and wears mismatched shoes and rides a hilarious bus around and around with her motley bus family. She annoys and enlightens the people she meets. And at times she shouts, in a voice you can probably imagine, "I am a person!"

... "Riding the Bus With My Sister," ... also shouts "first-class production" and "Emmy bid."

I just said that, of course. They ought to hire me.

And yet. As usual in movies about the mentally handicapped, the character of Beth is never given a coherent pathology; we can't tell whether she has physical problems, exactly, or cognitive ones or behavioral ones or all of these, or Down syndrome.

... Beth is mostly a constellation of misfit affectations - funny clothes, bipolar outbursts, a forced, garbled voice - and goofy physicality. Beth seems to be wrapped in a loose, superfluous layer of flesh, a symptom of some kind of metabolic disorder (she also gobbles sweets).

Rosie was quoted as saying it was this part of the script that "really spoke to her."

As a character, she doesn't make sense: she's socially awkward, but not consistently disabled. She's less poignant or tragic than merely clamorous and bothersome.

...

The viewer, meanwhile, is sure to cringe - and often. This is another inexplicable effort by an actor to overplay a slow, strange character and teach everybody lessons. The sanctimonious old stunt is not fair to viewers. This is a deeply - even thrillingly - embarrassing movie.

Set your TiVo's.

I seriously may live-blog this abortion.

Posted by: Ace at 07:54 AM | Comments (51)
Post contains 340 words, total size 2 kb.

1 I'm setting my TiVo to "stunned."

And God, yes. Please, please, live-blog or TiVo-blog this picture. The more I hear about it, the better I like it.

Posted by: utron at April 29, 2005 07:58 AM (VVBQC)

2 A live-blog of this abortion could end up being possibly the funniest Ace-Of-Spades post of all time. I can't wait.

By the way, Ace, where are you citing your review from again? The link goes back to Allah's blog-tenement, not to a newspaper.

Posted by: Jeff B. at April 29, 2005 08:07 AM (shM5P)

3 This has all the earmarks of being something special... may just be our generation's woodstock, our 'tardstock' if you will. Lord, please let this be everything I think it could be. Please?

I am a person!
-ray midge

Posted by: Ray Midge at April 29, 2005 08:07 AM (kUNrb)

4 Wow. I'm not usualy one to go in for the "watch it for the ironic laugh value" thing, but this is definitely going to be an exception.

Posted by: Russell Wardlow at April 29, 2005 08:17 AM (BDYWo)

5 Geez, Jeff. Way to put the pressure on Ace, especially since we exhausted the "magic tard" thing a few days ago.

It's okay with me if your live-blog is just the funniest thing so far this year, Ace. Don't go getting all anxious.

Posted by: spongeworthy at April 29, 2005 08:23 AM (uSomN)

6 I blame Rosie. Imagine how good it would have been with Margaret Cho.

Posted by: Allah at April 29, 2005 08:29 AM (IUGv5)

7 Thrillingly embarrassing?
Holy crap.
If this reviewer is right, the Wayans are probably writing their vicious parody already.

Posted by: lauraw at April 29, 2005 08:29 AM (/MV2K)

8 We may have just stumbled upon the official Ace of Spades rallying cry, to be uttered by all the drooling morons that hang out around here: "I am a person!"

I am a person!

Posted by: BrewFan at April 29, 2005 08:32 AM (Byr3j)

9 Beth is mostly a constellation of misfit affectations - funny clothes, bipolar outbursts, a forced, garbled voice - and goofy physicality.

Wait- are they referring to the character she plays on her talk show?

Posted by: lauraw at April 29, 2005 08:33 AM (/MV2K)

10 BTW, love the 'trainwreck' ad for the AOS/Karol show. lol!

I am a person!

Posted by: BrewFan at April 29, 2005 08:35 AM (Byr3j)

11 "Thrillingly embarassing?"

That's a bizarre phrase. Sort of like "horrifyingly boring" or "gobsmackingly forgettable".

Posted by: Monty at April 29, 2005 08:40 AM (YMMMc)

12 "I am a person!"

Didn't John Merrick already beat us to this one? "I am not an animal! I am a human being!"

Posted by: Jeff B. at April 29, 2005 08:41 AM (shM5P)

13 I can't believe there isn't some Retarded Actors Association (or something like that) out there that isn't pissed off because people like Rosie keep landing the mentally handicapped roles while they've been shut out since Life Goes On. I've just come to expect that sort of thing out of life.

Oh, and while I am a person, let's not forget that there's a war going on.

Posted by: Sean M. at April 29, 2005 08:41 AM (e0H8j)

14 "Clamorous and bothersome" could stand as a pretty good metaphor for Rosie herself, by the way. Actually, it's a pretty good moniker for the entire liberal Left these days.

Posted by: Monty at April 29, 2005 08:43 AM (YMMMc)

15 'Tardstock


Cackle!
Stomach starting to hurt.

Posted by: Grace at April 29, 2005 08:45 AM (1f7Hp)

16 Rosie sucks!

Posted by: Chris (Don't Call Me Corky) at April 29, 2005 08:47 AM (Byr3j)

17 Allah, you made me laugh with that one.

Poor Rosie is desperatly trying to get her career back on track since her "Gay Family Vacation" cruises aren't exactly filling up. Heck, the Cayman islands and Jamica won't even let them dock there. (too much PDA going on when they hit the beach they say)

I bet she is back to the talk show before the year is up. Anyone wanna bet?

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at April 29, 2005 08:48 AM (tLqLU)

18 "Is her nascent sexuality hard to contemplate?"

You all better fasten your seat belts before you ride this bus.

Posted by: Dimmy at April 29, 2005 08:50 AM (j02xJ)

19 There is a sort of 'Tardstock "event"-type atmosphere starting to swirl around this turd, isn't there?

The Tivo is set. Don't take the brown acid.

Posted by: Allah at April 29, 2005 08:50 AM (IUGv5)

20 "I am a person!"

Ace, can I take this opportunity to beg you that this be on the back of your next offering of Ace of Spades Tard-shirts?

Posted by: Rocketeer67 at April 29, 2005 08:50 AM (0PSV4)

21 So Rosie the Tard yells out to this guy in a black suit, "I'm a person!" He shows her his clerical collar and yells back, "I'm a parson!"

Wahaaaahahahah!

............anything? Bueller? Bueller?

Posted by: Monty at April 29, 2005 08:59 AM (YMMMc)

22 Ace,

I think you should make this into a fund-raising event. I'm just dying to see you live blog this fuckin train wreck. Just the thought of it has me laughing out loud, and I'm positive I'm not in the minority.

So.....

Hold that shit over our heads and blackmail us for some money. If you raise X amount in your tip jar, then bombs away. If not, well I guess we'll have to just watch this abortion without the benefit of your input.

Posted by: The Warden at April 29, 2005 09:02 AM (QGipO)

23 "Is her lumpy form in a Tweety Bird T-shirt depressing?"

Yes, but it's not the shirt's fault. I admire and am grateful for Tweety, for he is all that stands between me and madness.

Madness, I say!

Meanwhile, I don't think the "I am a person!" line is really that comic. Plenty of times, I've mistaken Rosie D'oh'D's show for news footage of a beached whale.

Posted by: Pompous at April 29, 2005 09:13 AM (pwn6J)

24 This could be the "Ben Hur" of retard epics, ace! You gotta live-blog it! You gotta!

I'd love to see a scene where bus-ridin' Rosie tries to impart some life-wisdom to some bitter old crone who sits in front of her, and the crone turns around and gives her a faceful of pepper spray. Or Tasers her. That would be some funny shit.

Posted by: Monty at April 29, 2005 09:26 AM (YMMMc)

25 ... Beth is mostly a constellation of misfit affectations - funny clothes, bipolar outbursts, a forced, garbled voice - and goofy physicality. Beth seems to be wrapped in a loose, superfluous layer of flesh, a symptom of some kind of metabolic disorder (she also gobbles sweets).

As a character, she doesn't make sense: she's socially awkward, but not consistently disabled. She's less poignant or tragic than merely clamorous and bothersome.


And this is different from her real personality how?

Posted by: compos mentis at April 29, 2005 09:32 AM (uCHTx)

26 Did none of you morons see this

Rosie is " surrounded by a loose, superfluous layer of flesh"

Is this thing on? Hello?

Posted by: hobgoblin at April 29, 2005 10:51 AM (2da3S)

27 This soon-to-be TV trainwreck reminds me of that Mr. Show sketch, "The Bob LaMotta Story" about the inspirational tale of a kid with retarded parents.

"My shoes hurt!"

Posted by: Russell Wardlow at April 29, 2005 12:37 PM (BDYWo)

28 LOL hob.
Its like saying that in this movie the sky was made to look blue.

Posted by: lauraw at April 29, 2005 12:38 PM (/MV2K)

29 "Peanut butter, eggs, and dice."

Posted by: Sean M. at April 29, 2005 01:13 PM (e0H8j)

30 It won't be a true retard epic though unless one or all of the following happens...

- Gets laid for the first time
- Parents a adorably precocious child
- Works a customer service related job
- Has a close friend or older relative who dies
- Is pointed, stared and laughed at
- Wears heavy polyester knit fabrics
- Has at least one emotional meltdown

Posted by: The Ugly American at April 29, 2005 03:07 PM (ORJ0X)

31 "One or all," UglyAmerican? Just going through the review, I'm quite certain we can count on five of the seven cliches you named.

Personally, I'm pulling for all seven. I've got high hopes for this baby; it could be the definitive Magical 'Tard epic, a schlockfest so definitive that it shuts down the entire subgenre for years.

Posted by: utron at April 29, 2005 04:00 PM (CgIkY)

32 I AM A PERSON!!!!!!

ghnaaaaa

Posted by: hobgoblin at April 29, 2005 04:05 PM (2da3S)

33 We have clips!

Posted by: The Ugly American at April 29, 2005 04:40 PM (ORJ0X)

34 Do it Ace!

Your live blog could be funnier than your Jessica Cutler wannabee act.

Posted by: lloyd at April 29, 2005 04:41 PM (sOnLF)

35 I can't wait till Rosie makes that one childlike yet deeply profound observation that melts the heart of a cynical character.

Retard Rosie to Wall Street Trader:

"uuhhh you know that thumtimes you get soooo busy watching thtuff go bye that you doan notice thtuff around you."

Wall Street Trader between sobs:

"It's true! I never see my kids! I'm skipping that meeting and going home to play catch with my boy!"

Posted by: The Warden at April 29, 2005 04:46 PM (Zxtyv)

36 Oh my God! One of those clips is called, "A New Haircut"!

I'm fucking crying!!!

I don't have Real Player. Someone, quick! Tell me what's on that haircut clip!

Posted by: The Warden at April 29, 2005 04:50 PM (Zxtyv)

37 The "haircut" clip actually contains three separate clips -- and each is funnier than the one that went before.

This is comedy gold, people. This is the Super Bowl of retard movies.

Posted by: Allah at April 29, 2005 04:58 PM (IUGv5)

38 Is is just me, or does Andie MacDowell look like she's constantly surpressing a gut-busting laugh in those clips?

Posted by: The Ugly American at April 29, 2005 05:00 PM (ORJ0X)

39 Sunday can't get here soon enough.......

Posted by: The Warden at April 29, 2005 05:02 PM (Zxtyv)

40 I can't believe I'm actually going to skip Deadwood so I can watch this.

Posted by: The Ugly American at April 29, 2005 05:03 PM (ORJ0X)

41 This is the Super Bowl of retard movies.

Better than "Not Without My Retard?' '4 Weddings and a Retard?' High expectations indeed. Got potential though.

Posted by: larry at April 29, 2005 05:04 PM (kUNrb)

42 Better than "Not Without My Retard?' '4 Weddings and a Retard?' High expectations indeed. Got potential though.

Did you watch the clip? This is a fuckin' epic. It's like Gone With The Retarded Wind.

Posted by: Allah at April 29, 2005 05:05 PM (IUGv5)

43 Be sure to check out the CBS poll at the bottom.

I love America. ; )

Posted by: The Ugly American at April 29, 2005 05:07 PM (ORJ0X)

44 I dunno. I always liked 'The Good, The Bad, and the Hydroencephalitic.' I'm a sucker for retard westerns.

Posted by: larry at April 29, 2005 05:10 PM (kUNrb)

45 "Because I'm different" lol! lol! I can't watch these clips anymore. Mrs. BrewFan is getting mad at me because she thinks I'm laughing at retards. I tried to explain that I was laughing at Rosie when it dawned on me...same difference!

Posted by: BrewFan at April 29, 2005 05:16 PM (95UaF)

46 Every Rosie thread gets this link.

Posted by: Megan at April 29, 2005 05:46 PM (jBXwy)

47 The kitten t-shirt that Rosie is wearing in the "a new haircut" slices like a fucking hammer. Like a retarded Viking.

Posted by: Sean M. at April 29, 2005 06:05 PM (e0H8j)

48 Moments later, we pass alongside Beth’s boyfriend on his bicycle. Also an adult with mental retardation, Jesse is paused at a crosswalk, his maple brown face pointing straight ahead, his blind right eye looking milky in the light, sun glinting off the helmet Beth long ago convinced him to wear.

Posted by: The Ugly American at April 29, 2005 06:25 PM (ORJ0X)

49 Can't wait for the "South Park" version...

Posted by: David Ross at April 30, 2005 06:50 AM (9NWR5)

50 Also, though more in the sci fi retard genre, 'Fragile X-Men' is hard to beat. Just saying, Rosie's gonna have to serve up a mess of good tard to be among the best.

Posted by: larry at April 30, 2005 07:35 AM (kUNrb)

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