June 30, 2010

Portland Police on Al Gore: There Is The "Possibility" Of A Prosecution For Sexual Assault
— Ace

Is this real?

I have been pretty skeptical. But...

She says she has evidence of the attack, including DNA from a pair of pants she was wearing that night four years ago.

Okay, so test it already!

I know they don't have a sample of Gore's to compare it against, but any male DNA on the pants would be enough to push the case forward, at least as far as getting a warrant for a sample of Gore's.

If it's just sweat, though, what does that prove? She was a masseuse; of course she was touching Al Gore, and he's a big fat lumpy sack of fat, so of course he was sweating like a fevered castrati boar.

It's only real proof if the DNA in question is, uh, the effluent from the second chakra.

Al Gore Poetry... from garrett.

One thin September soon

A masseuses hand disappears

Beneath the sheet

Vapors rise as
Fever settles on my lower abdominals
Make my bone dissolve

Slow strokes from the moobs to belly
Ice fathers floods in your pants
A hard tug and my recount comes quickly

Then my throat is parched
Your hand is placed near wood
For the VP's celebration

Unknown creatures in my shorts
Take their leave, unload!
Gynecologists ready their stirrups

Passion seeks a 2nd Chakra release
The belle wants a tip?
On the hill I was the most Hung

The client cries
The hour of release has arrived
Here! Is my tool.

Posted by: Ace at 06:59 AM | Comments (179)
Post contains 275 words, total size 2 kb.

1

One thin September soon
A masseuses hand disappears
Beneath the sheet

Vapors rise as
Fever settles on my lower abdominals

Make my bone dissolve

Slow strokes from the moobs to belly
Ice fathers floods in your pants
A hard tug and my recount comes quickly

Then my throat is parched
Your hand is placed near wood
For the VP's celebration

Unknown creatures in my shorts
Take their leave, unload!
Gynecologists ready their stirrups

Passion seeks a 2nd Chakra release
The belle wants a tip?
On the hill I was the most Hung

The client cries
The hour of release has arrived
Here! Is my tool.

Posted by: garrett at June 30, 2010 07:02 AM (QRiGH)

2 This is not a hill I would want to die on.

Posted by: Vic at June 30, 2010 07:02 AM (6taRI)

3 Forgot to put on my sock...or maybe the masseuse took it off...

Posted by: garrett at June 30, 2010 07:03 AM (QRiGH)

4 I am sick and tired of hearing about the "precious bodily fluids" of statist radicals.

Posted by: alexthedude at June 30, 2010 07:03 AM (8DajW)

5 Posted by: garrett at June 30, 2010 12:02 PM (QRiGH) Just wait until my next book is manually released: Girth in the Balance.

Posted by: Al the Gore at June 30, 2010 07:04 AM (8DajW)

6 Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please

Posted by: Jane D'oh at June 30, 2010 07:05 AM (UOM48)

7 And then Gore said, "What about Dingel-Norwood?"

Posted by: The Masseuse at June 30, 2010 07:05 AM (WDySP)

8

my god men. have we learned nothing about where you deposit your Protein Credits?

Not on a womens clothing that she will keep stored for four years.

 

 

Posted by: Ben at June 30, 2010 07:06 AM (wuv1c)

9 And then Gore said, "Well you don't have to get snippy about it!"

Posted by: The Masseuse at June 30, 2010 07:06 AM (WDySP)

10 #1  Thread winner.  Everyone else can go home now.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at June 30, 2010 07:06 AM (UOM48)

11 I am sick and tired of hearing about the "precious bodily fluids" of statist radicals.

The fluids can't be that precious.  They are pretty free with the damn stuff.

Posted by: huerfano at June 30, 2010 07:07 AM (rqC5o)

12 Make my bone dissolve Shit like this is what makes this site special. We should get college credit for studying at AoS.

Posted by: dr kill at June 30, 2010 07:08 AM (w9bVp)

13

>>> Okay, so test it already!

Agreed.  I think it's real.  What would she have to gain by lying about this? 

Posted by: Roadking at June 30, 2010 07:08 AM (YObWz)

14 >>the effluent from the second chakra. The new acceptable term is Man Created Splatter.

Posted by: JackStraw at June 30, 2010 07:09 AM (VW9/y)

15 It appears that Al Gore has run up against his own personal "inconvenient truth."

Posted by: Dave at June 30, 2010 07:09 AM (Xm1aB)

16 What's the statute of limitations on sexual assault? Is it state-specific?

Posted by: Monty at June 30, 2010 07:09 AM (4Pleu)

17 12 The fluids can't be that precious. They are pretty free with the damn stuff. Posted by: huerfano at June 30, 2010 12:07 PM (rqC5o) It's a Strangelove reference you ignorant, racist, extremist-terrorist hick! I'm not even going to bother trying to explain Wall-E to you...

Posted by: Roger Ebert at June 30, 2010 07:10 AM (8DajW)

18 Agreed. I think it's real. What would she have to gain by lying about this? Posted by: Roadking at June 30, 2010 12:08 PM (YObWz) You tell me...

Posted by: Valerie Plume at June 30, 2010 07:11 AM (8DajW)

19 I will be in my.... vomitorium.

Posted by: AndrewsDad at June 30, 2010 07:11 AM (C2//T)

20 If I were this woman and I had actual proof, I'd file a civil suit so fast it'd make Al's little swimmers look like pikers. 

Posted by: huerfano at June 30, 2010 07:11 AM (rqC5o)

21 Gore may be gored.  Kos's polls are phony.  Phony poll guys say that they will crush Kos.  Kagan caught lying about  medical benefits of partial birth abortion.

I'll be in my bunk.

Posted by: WalrusRex at June 30, 2010 07:12 AM (xxgag)

22 Her libtard friends must be terribly disappointed in her.  Think of Gaia!  Who'll save her now?!!

Posted by: Jane D'oh at June 30, 2010 07:12 AM (UOM48)

23

>>> What's the statute of limitations on sexual assault? Is it state-specific?

I can't remember where I read it but she still has a couple of years to bring this case.

Posted by: Roadking at June 30, 2010 07:13 AM (YObWz)

24

22 Gore may be gored.  Kos's polls are phony.  Phony poll guys say that they will crush Kos.  Kagan caught lying about  medical benefits of partial birth abortion.

I'll be in my bunk. Nothing to see here... move along.

 

FIFY

Posted by: AndrewsDad at June 30, 2010 07:13 AM (C2//T)

25

Al Gore in:

I Left My Sperm in Portland, Orgeon

Posted by: Ludicrous Speed at June 30, 2010 07:14 AM (LdYLm)

26 I thought splooge was the moron-approved alliterative.

Posted by: dr kill at June 30, 2010 07:14 AM (w9bVp)

27 It's a Strangelove reference you ignorant, racist, extremist-terrorist hick! I'm not even going to bother trying to explain Wall-E to you...

You forgot Bible-thumping and gun-toting.  Especially, gun-toting.

Posted by: huerfano at June 30, 2010 07:14 AM (rqC5o)

28 >>the effluent from the second chakra.

The new acceptable term is Man Created Splatter.

Actually, in honor of a green economy I love so much, I usually refer to it as a "carbon credit shot".

Posted by: The Big Lummox at June 30, 2010 07:14 AM (M/6wm)

29
Al Gore in

Last Tango in Portland

Posted by: Jane D'oh at June 30, 2010 07:15 AM (UOM48)

30
This is my chakra
this is my gun
this one's for rapin'
this one's for fun

Posted by: Dang Straights at June 30, 2010 07:15 AM (fx8sm)

31

This puts the whole divorce thing in perspective.  I would think that a guy who wants a masseuse to give him a happy ending - in fact demands it - is a guy who has gotten a happy ending before - seems like if this was a one off, it would be more, err, probing - hey, what are the odds that you could massage a little lower?  No, okay, just checking, I have never had a massage before and wasn't sure how it worked. 

No, he was demanding it.  So that leads me to believe that he had that expectation created somewhere.  And if he was in the habit of getting massages, and getting happy endings, while out on the road - and he is on the road a lot - I could see why maybe, possibly, his wife might want to get a divorce. 

 

Posted by: blaster at June 30, 2010 07:16 AM (SdFa6)

32
Al Gore's masseuse in


Fear and Loathing in a Portland Hotel Room

Posted by: Jane D'oh at June 30, 2010 07:17 AM (UOM48)

33

>>> Her libtard friends must be terribly disappointed in her.  Think of Gaia!  Who'll save her now?!!

No shit - she actually said that some of her friends told her to sit on it because it would harm the AGW crusade that Al was leading.  I guess after the wheels came off that bus and his divorce she decided that was enough to move forward.

Posted by: Roadking at June 30, 2010 07:17 AM (YObWz)

34

4 year old essence of manbearpig - I'd hate to be the tech that opens that bag.

Posted by: motionview at June 30, 2010 07:17 AM (lKDF0)

35

Al Gore in:

Assault on Hagerty

Posted by: Ludicrous Speed at June 30, 2010 07:18 AM (LdYLm)

36 Shouldn't that be the sixth chakra?

Posted by: Brad at June 30, 2010 07:18 AM (2GsJg)

37 Oh how I hope South Park does an episode on this.  Must see TV indeed.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at June 30, 2010 07:19 AM (UOM48)

38

>>> Okay, so test it already!

Agreed.  I think it's real.  What would she have to gain by lying about this? 

Posted by: Roadking

 

Need I explain?

Posted by: Will Folks at June 30, 2010 07:19 AM (R2fpr)

39 28 You forgot Bible-thumping and gun-toting. Especially, gun-toting. Posted by: huerfano at June 30, 2010 12:14 PM (rqC5o) The man said "extremist-terrorist". Do we need to start drawing pictures for you?

Posted by: Janet Napolitano at June 30, 2010 07:19 AM (8DajW)

40 You're on your own here, Goracle. I have enough problems with Cheri as it is. Give me splooge, or give me Rielle.

Posted by: Andrew Young at June 30, 2010 07:19 AM (w9bVp)

41 35

4 year old essence of manbearpig - I'd hate to be the tech that opens that bag.

Posted by: motionview at June 30, 2010 12:17 PM (lKDF0)

It has most likely acheived sentience by now after merging with the micro fibers. 

Posted by: Ludicrous Speed at June 30, 2010 07:19 AM (LdYLm)

42

She says she has evidence of the attack, including DNA from a pair of pants she was wearing that night four years ago.

Monica Lewinsky's dress, revisited!

Posted by: Curmudgeon at June 30, 2010 07:22 AM (ujg0T)

43

OT -

They settled on this headline, http://tinyurl.com/32fpkvc

when "Who knew? Kagen speaks fluent bullshit," didn't pass muster.

Posted by: Hussein the Plumber at June 30, 2010 07:22 AM (RkRxq)

44 The man said "extremist-terrorist". Do we need to start drawing pictures for you?

Well, it's pretty obvious symbolism is lost on the ignorant masses.  And the ignorant masseuse.

Posted by: huerfano at June 30, 2010 07:22 AM (rqC5o)

45 Is there a chance that we're jumping to conclusions here?

I mean, maybe Al was just storing a couple of Man Protein credits the same way people store chewing gum under a table ... "for later"

Posted by: Bolt Upright at June 30, 2010 07:23 AM (BqSr3)

46 37 Shouldn't that be the sixth chakra? Posted by: Brad at June 30, 2010 12:18 PM (2GsJg) This is a very complicated emotive-harmonic ecosystem. I recommend you buy 3 of my books and attend at east one of my weekend Charka-Manipulation Seminars. I assure you, there will be labs where you get plenty of practical, hands-on experience.

Posted by: Deepak Chopra at June 30, 2010 07:23 AM (8DajW)

47 This is why I've gone commando ever since Monica released my inner chakra. For the 42rd time. One for each president. A 42 splooge salute.

Posted by: W. J. Clinton at June 30, 2010 07:23 AM (w9bVp)

48 I love great poetry.

Posted by: Something Wicked This Way Comes... at June 30, 2010 07:23 AM (GOG1H)

49 Agreed. I think it's real. What would she have to gain by lying about this? Well...just remember that lots of people were saying the same thing about the Duke rape-accuser. It looks more like a real thing now than it did before, but I'm still leaning to the "this is BS" side of it for now.

Posted by: Monty at June 30, 2010 07:24 AM (4Pleu)

50

I Left My Sperm in Portland, Orgeon

"high on a hill, it calls to me...."

Posted by: Curmudgeon at June 30, 2010 07:24 AM (ujg0T)

51 OT and not that this is any surprise but:

Senate approves Gen. David Petraeus to lead war in Afghanistan

Posted by: Michael Steele at June 30, 2010 07:25 AM (VuLos)

52 Pay no attention to the fact that Monica attended Lewis and Clark College in ?????

Posted by: W. J. Clinton at June 30, 2010 07:25 AM (w9bVp)

53 If ever a story cried out for robot theater

Posted by: nine coconuts at June 30, 2010 07:25 AM (DHNp4)

54 "Something Wicked This Way Comes..."

You can say that again!

Posted by: Armando at June 30, 2010 07:26 AM (nd0uY)

55 I am curious why you think that any male DNA on the pants would be sufficient to obtain a warrant to test Gore's DNA. That's probable cause to you?

Posted by: Alfie at June 30, 2010 07:26 AM (Gzb30)

56 If ever a story cried out for robot theater

And a dramatic poetry reading of the masterpiece above.  And a pop-up book.

Posted by: huerfano at June 30, 2010 07:27 AM (rqC5o)

57

Well...just remember that lots of people were saying the same thing about the Duke rape-accuser.

They were also saying "It's a lie!" about Monica's dress.

The Rules:

1. If it's one of our guys/gals, demand proof, because it very well, like the Duke accuser or Anita Hill (and she deserves to be raped and beaten for trying to destroy a man with unsubstantiated crap), be an utter fraud.

2. If it's one of their guys/gals, go hog wild and take no prisoners.

Unfair? That's how the Demunists play us, time to fight fire with fire.

Posted by: Curmudgeon at June 30, 2010 07:27 AM (ujg0T)

58

I don't buy this Gore story for one reason - the woman's age. We men are pigs, but we desire to become millionaires, like Gore, for one reason - chicks in their 20's. We want as many as we can get. Considering Al is the heart throb of the "independent - minded" female college set, even his boring ass would have plenty of chances hitting the young gals. Those savants will bang an old professor over a Shakespeare quote. We are talking here about AL GORE! Now, maybe Gore went for the 50 year old because young girls can't keep their yaps shut when the screw a "celebrity". But to earn all this acclaim and cash and still having to settle for nothing but non-consensual hand shandies from a fifty year old seems kinda dispiriting and against the point.

Posted by: JDW at June 30, 2010 07:28 AM (uw+0A)

59

>>> Need I explain?

Posted by: Will Folks at June 30, 2010 12:19 PM (R2fpr)

Yes, actually you do.  What is the motivation in taking down a seamingly broken down discredited Al Gore.  She waited until he was out of the game completely.  You tried to prevent Nikki from even playing.

Oh wait you think she's an attention whore like you!  I get it dude - party on!

BTW - How low have your "hits" fallen?

Posted by: Roadking at June 30, 2010 07:28 AM (YObWz)

60 I am curious why you think that any male DNA on the pants would be sufficient to obtain a warrant to test Gore's DNA. That's probable cause to you?

Posted by: Alfie at June 30, 2010 12:26 PM (Gzb30)

Because that's "what it's all about, Alfie...." (sorry, I could not resist)

Posted by: Curmudgeon at June 30, 2010 07:29 AM (ujg0T)

61 Awesome poem. Seriously fucking disturbing, of course, but awesome just the same.

Posted by: Phinn at June 30, 2010 07:29 AM (p3EVT)

62 48 This is why I've gone commando ever since Monica released my inner chakra. For the 42rd time. One for each president. A 42 splooge salute.

Posted by: W. J. Clinton at June 30, 2010 12:23 PM (w9bVp)

Billy, you're still a dog.

Posted by: Hussein the Plumber at June 30, 2010 07:30 AM (RkRxq)

63
And a pop-up book.

teeheee

Posted by: Dang Straights at June 30, 2010 07:30 AM (fx8sm)

64

If ever a story cried out for robot theater

Stop your crying .  I know it's not exactly Robot Theater, on the plus side it's not in English.

Posted by: motionview at June 30, 2010 07:30 AM (lKDF0)

65 Well, it's pretty obvious symbolism is lost on the ignorant masses. And the ignorant masseuse. Posted by: huerfano at June 30, 2010 12:22 PM (rqC5o) Haaaaaaa! Seriously though, she can't be that ignorant if she stuffed her evidence-drenched pants into a zip-lock and kept it in a freezer for 3 years.

Posted by: alexthedude at June 30, 2010 07:30 AM (8DajW)

66 Two timeless truths:

1)  Mean are pigs.

2)  Women are batshit crazy.

I'm not sure that this helps.

Posted by: WalrusRex at June 30, 2010 07:30 AM (xxgag)

67 Popcorn shares spiking.

Posted by: Guy Fawkes at June 30, 2010 07:30 AM (T0bhq)

68 Slow strokes from the moobs to belly Ice fathers floods in your pants A hard tug and my recount comes quickly My God, he's the Walt Whitman of wingnuts!

Posted by: George Orwell at June 30, 2010 07:31 AM (AZGON)

69

But to earn all this acclaim and cash and still having to settle for nothing but non-consensual hand shandies from a fifty year old seems kinda dispiriting and against the point.

No one ever said Al Gore was smart. No one ever said a man with a raging hard-on was ever smart either. Add non-smart and non-smart and, well, the equasion does not equal sharp mind making astute decisions.

Posted by: Mallamutt, Still Wanting to Be the Offical Pollster of AOSHQ at June 30, 2010 07:31 AM (OWjjx)

70 Was that from the Depantsipation Proclaimation?

Posted by: Wodeshed at June 30, 2010 07:32 AM (MFbfZ)

71 They have evidence? I didn't know the police could dust for second chakras.

Posted by: ExurbanKevin at June 30, 2010 07:32 AM (a/Ojb)

72

If ever a story cried out for robot theater

Stop your crying .  I know it's not exactly Robot Theater, on the plus side it's not in English.

Posted by: motionview at June 30, 2010 12:30 PM (lKDF0)

Irony"  Gore invented the internet that we are watching this on and computer models are Gore's bread and butter.  If it's on a computer model, it's fact, baby.

Posted by: WalrusRex at June 30, 2010 07:32 AM (xxgag)

73 Posted by: JDW at June 30, 2010 12:28 PM (uw+0A) Too much risk in the 20yo set to his Goracle image. He was looking for a "professional" to keep things on the down low.

Posted by: alexthedude at June 30, 2010 07:32 AM (8DajW)

74 Al Gore in . . .

An Inconvenient Masseuse.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at June 30, 2010 07:33 AM (RbkP3)

75 While we have no DNA to which to compare the specimen, spectrometry indicates a content of 30% smug, 37% arrogance, and only 2% shame.

This particular combination occurs in only 0.032% of the male population, all of whom have served in a legislative capacity.

Posted by: Lab Report at June 30, 2010 07:33 AM (5aa4z)

76 Applications for the Fall 2010 semester are now being accepted.

Posted by: Lewis and Clark College School of Adductor Massage at June 30, 2010 07:34 AM (w9bVp)

77 Posted by: JDW at June 30, 2010 12:28 PM (uw+0A)

It has nothing to do with age or appearance. She's who showed up.
Celebrities use and abuse prostitutes and masseuses because they know they are powerless. No on will believe them. I'm sure he would have preferred a younger, hotter masseuse but he probably wasn't clear when asking for a recommendation what he really wanted. Most people don't automatically think hand job when someone says can you recommend a good masseuse. They think you actually want a good massage.

Posted by: Rocks at June 30, 2010 07:35 AM (Q1lie)

78 For those of you who think this won't end well, you'll just have to trust me.  I will have my happy ending.  I always have a happy-ending.

Posted by: ManBearPoodleAdductor at June 30, 2010 07:37 AM (MFbfZ)

79 Most people don't automatically think hand job when someone says can you recommend a good masseuse. They think you actually want a good massage. Yeah, right.

Posted by: Mark Foley at June 30, 2010 07:38 AM (w9bVp)

80 I know it's not exactly Robot Theater, on the plus side it's not in English. Posted by: motionview Gore invented the internet that we are watching this on and computer models are Gore's bread and butter. If it's on a computer model, it's fact, baby. Posted by: WalrusRex Gore loves computer models, since it's easy to flip their normals. I apologize for the esoteric nature of that comment, but if any of you work in 3D graphics, YKWIM.

Posted by: George Orwell at June 30, 2010 07:39 AM (AZGON)

81 How do you test for Poodle drops?

Posted by: wHodat at June 30, 2010 07:39 AM (+sBB4)

82 Some local morning DJs read excerpts of her police report on their show last week and I have to agree with their conclusion that she's kinda stupid. And probably too stupid to have made up all the interesting details in the report.So I'm leaning toward the view that she's telling the truth.

Posted by: Mćtenloch at June 30, 2010 07:40 AM (4uLpB)

83 For those of you who think this won't end well, you'll just have to trust me.  I will have my happy ending.  I always have a happy-ending.

Posted by: ManBearPoodleAdductor at June 30, 2010 12:37 PM (MFbfZ)

Oh yeah...we'll just see about that.

Posted by: Tipper at June 30, 2010 07:41 AM (VuLos)

84 But to earn all this acclaim and cash and still having to settle for nothing but non-consensual hand shandies from a fifty year old seems kinda dispiriting and against the point.

You're thinking of this like a sane person. That doesn't work.

Clinton could have banged just about anybody he put on a "chix I wanna bang" list. Did he play it like that? No. He semi-forced it on whoever was around, because that's what he liked.

With approximately zero exceptions, politicians are severely fucked up people, and their turn-ons are fucked up, too.

Posted by: oblig. at June 30, 2010 07:41 AM (x7Ao8)

85 AoSHQ: Come for the intellectual insight and thoughtful examination of the issues, stay for the poetry.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at June 30, 2010 07:41 AM (i3AsK)

86

"Most people don't automatically think hand job when someone says can you recommend a good masseuse. They think you actually want a good massage."

This is why my back massager has a handwritten sign on it that says "Backs Only, No Vagina!"


 

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at June 30, 2010 07:43 AM (HaYO4)

87 Come for the intellectual insight and thoughtful examination of the issues, stay for the poetry.

---

I don't care why Al did it.

Posted by: wHodat at June 30, 2010 07:44 AM (+sBB4)

88 JDW, her age ain't nuttin' when you got some beer goggles on and just want a different hand than your own doin' the jerkin'. 

Posted by: Horndog at June 30, 2010 07:44 AM (tNkOS)

89

Rocks @ 78 "She's who showed up"

haha - solid point. I retract my previous post. You've got a book title right there. "She's who showed up: Whores and the Celebrities Who Abused Them"

Alex @ 74 I think is right too, hence the retraction.

Posted by: JDW at June 30, 2010 07:45 AM (uw+0A)

90

This is why my back massager has a handwritten sign on it that says "Backs Only, No Vagina!"

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at June 30, 2010 12:43 PM (HaYO4)

If it's your massager, who's that sign for?

Posted by: Tami at June 30, 2010 07:45 AM (VuLos)

91
Al Gore and John Edwards are....


The League of Extraordinary Douchebags

Posted by: Jane D'oh at June 30, 2010 07:46 AM (UOM48)

92 There's nothing like a good cock massage. With all of that stress over polar ice caps melting and electric cars, Al just needed a little stress relief.

And from great drama, springs lovely poetry. Think how happy he made that gal feel. Prob should give him one of those Nobel things, yea what Barry got.

Posted by: Something Wicked This Way Comes... at June 30, 2010 07:47 AM (GOG1H)

93 So it isn't actually the Earth that has a fever?

Posted by: kansas at June 30, 2010 07:47 AM (mka2b)

94 #89 'Tis unfortunately too true.

Posted by: JDW at June 30, 2010 07:48 AM (uw+0A)

95 Much ado about nothing.

First of all, sweat doesn't (generally) contain DNA; its basically just salty water.

Second, even stipulating that Gore's DNA is on her pants leg (which remains to be seen), *by itself* that doesn't mean much.  All it means is that he touched her or she touched him.   Nobody is denying that the two were present together alone.

Now, if it can be shown that Gores SEMEN is on her pants leg, that's a bit more interesting, but even THAT doesn't necessarily corroborate her story of assault. 

For example, if St. Gore simply had a boner, and she brushed against his wang (deliberately, or by accident) he could have leaked a small amount of semen onto her pants.

But ANY semen anywhere is going to look AWFULLY embarrassing for St. Gore if it gets made public.


Posted by: looking closely at June 30, 2010 07:48 AM (PwGfd)

96 Oh noes. Now the world is going to burn up because Al Gore has been shown to be a lying douche.

Posted by: Climate Change Moron at June 30, 2010 07:49 AM (mka2b)

97 Al Gore is James Bond in . . .

Stinkfinger


Posted by: Wyatt Earp at June 30, 2010 07:49 AM (RbkP3)

98

"For example, if St. Gore simply had a boner, and she brushed against his wang (deliberately, or by accident) he could have leaked a small amount of semen onto her pants."

I love to see that in the opening arguments.

 

Posted by: JDW at June 30, 2010 07:50 AM (uw+0A)

99 You know, garrett's poem goes especially well when sung to the tune of "Muskrat Love."

Posted by: George Orwell at June 30, 2010 07:50 AM (AZGON)

100

"If it's your massager, who's that sign for?"

I'm sorry, I don't speak English.

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at June 30, 2010 07:51 AM (HaYO4)

101 Why is it the entire Democratic ticket from 1992 and 1996 is always spilling their DNA on peoples' clothing?

Posted by: Fresh Air at June 30, 2010 07:51 AM (o/lQa)

102 You know, for Gore's $540 "massage" you'd think instead he could have gotten a pretty nice call girl.

But I guess that's a little harder to explain away on your expense account.


Posted by: looking closely at June 30, 2010 07:52 AM (6Q9g2)

103 Al Gore is James Bond in . . .

The Man With The Carbon Bone

Posted by: Bolt Upright at June 30, 2010 07:52 AM (BqSr3)

104 Some local morning DJs read excerpts of her police report on their show last week and I have to agree with their conclusion that she's kinda stupid.

You ever notice that the biggest environmentalists are stupid women?

That's why I never bought the Algore is gay thing.  The whole environmentalist schtick gets you all kinds of bubbleheaded bimbos.  I'm kind of surprised about this, I would have figured he'd have had a stream of 20-year olds into his bedroom.

But I believe it because of the Tipper divorce.  She stuck with him through all sorts of madness.  Why would she leave now?

Posted by: AmishDude at June 30, 2010 07:52 AM (T0NGe)

105 From what I hear, it takes a pair of hands to give Al a shandie. Tipper's got some bad ass biceps. Come to think of it, so does Michelle. Coincidence?

Posted by: Something Wicked This Way Comes... at June 30, 2010 07:53 AM (GOG1H)

106 MEDIBOT!

Posted by: MEDIBOT DNA Testing Services at June 30, 2010 07:53 AM (3h3kv)

107 Oh noes. Now the world is going to burn up because Al Gore has been shown to be a lying douche.

There are some news reports out there that she told lefty friends of hers about this right after it happened and they told her to shut up about it because the world was going to end due to global warming.

Ahhh, feminism.  Nice to see you have principles and what not.

Posted by: alexthechick at June 30, 2010 07:53 AM (8WZWv)

108 The GoreShank Redemption

Posted by: wHodat at June 30, 2010 07:53 AM (+sBB4)

109 All this time I thought it was "manbearpig" when it was really "Fan my prick."

Posted by: George Orwell at June 30, 2010 07:56 AM (AZGON)

110 But ANY semen anywhere is going to look AWFULLY embarrassing for St. Gore if it gets made public.


Posted by: looking closely at June 30, 2010 12:48 PM (PwGfd)


Not really. Gore could just claim he squeezed one off prior to the massage, during phone sex with Tipper of course, and there was leakage. She handled the linens so it would be no surprise it was on her. Evidence of your sperm where you work, bad news. Evidence of your sperm in the place where you dress, sleep and shower, automatic.

Posted by: Rocks at June 30, 2010 07:56 AM (Q1lie)

111 Al Gore in . . .

Rooster Cockburn.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at June 30, 2010 07:56 AM (RbkP3)

112 Al Gore IS James Bond in...

License to Spill


Posted by: Armando at June 30, 2010 07:56 AM (nd0uY)

113 10 #1  Thread winner.  Everyone else can go home now.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at June 30, 2010 12:06 PM (UOM4


I second that!


Garrett.. you ROCK!

Posted by: Timbo at June 30, 2010 07:56 AM (ph9vn)

114

>>> Need I explain?

Posted by: Will Folks at June 30, 2010 12:19 PM (R2fpr)

Yes, actually you do.  What is the motivation in taking down a seamingly broken down discredited Al Gore.  She waited until he was out of the game completely.  You tried to prevent Nikki from even playing.

Oh wait you think she's an attention whore like you!  I get it dude - party on!

BTW - How low have your "hits" fallen?

Posted by: Roadking at June 30, 2010 12:28 PM (YObWz)

I'm a minor league player, and I'm likely to be cast aside once Sanford leave. It's one thing to be a little fish in a little pond; quite another to be tossed out of that pond as being too small. But in my case, there were people (including myself) who wanted to capitalize on my proximity to her. So my sacred honor went to work.

Here, there is also proximity, and the lurid associations people have with massages.  And we all know that he's got money. Also, she may have actually first voiced this when he was still the happy family man and riding the AGW cash cow. If she has the Chakra blessed pants, then she's got a heckofalot more than I got.

Posted by: Will Folks at June 30, 2010 07:57 AM (R2fpr)

115 You know, for Gore's $540 "massage" you'd think instead he could have gotten a pretty nice call girl.
Posted by: looking closely at June 30, 2010 12:52 PM (6Q9g2)

I think he thought he was. I'm sure there's a hotel concierge who got a good talking to from the manager the next day after Al complained about the "service".

Posted by: Rocks at June 30, 2010 07:59 AM (Q1lie)

116 Al Gore returns as James Bond in...

For Your Chakra Only

Posted by: Armando at June 30, 2010 07:59 AM (nd0uY)

117 Why did I have to read that?  You've ruined my brain imagery for the whole day!  I say Ace needs to post some Megyn to make up for that.

Posted by: Festive Protrudence at June 30, 2010 07:59 AM (xm1A1)

118 Why is it the entire Democratic ticket from 1992 and 1996 is always spilling their DNA on peoples' clothing?

Posted by: Fresh Air

 

#1We're givers.

#2 There's more than one reason I'm called 'slick Willie'.

Posted by: Bubba at June 30, 2010 07:59 AM (R2fpr)

119 Al Gore is James Bond in . . .

The Quivering Daylights

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at June 30, 2010 08:01 AM (RbkP3)

120 I think this whole thing is bullshit. Five large gets anyone something more significant than a shandie. In Portland? Five large gets you a three way with the governor in that broke dick state.

Geezus. If I awarded myself 5 large for every self shandie, I'd be partying with Warren.

Posted by: Something Wicked This Way Comes... at June 30, 2010 08:01 AM (GOG1H)

121 Bang the Drum Slowly

Posted by: wHodat at June 30, 2010 08:02 AM (+sBB4)

122 BeetleJuice

Posted by: wHodat at June 30, 2010 08:02 AM (+sBB4)

123 I am missing something with the story. How did the DNA get on her pants? I didn't read anything about how that got there.

Posted by: spook at June 30, 2010 08:03 AM (KETCq)

124 Prob Brian Keith will be playing Al Gore in the movie...gosh I can't think of a title, ummm, ah, sheesh...

Posted by: Something Wicked This Way Comes... at June 30, 2010 08:04 AM (GOG1H)

125 No shit - she actually said that some of her friends the brainwashed scrunts she drinks coffee with told her to sit on it because it would harm the AGW crusade that Al was leading.


Posted by: HeatherRadish at June 30, 2010 08:05 AM (mR7mk)

126 Somewhere last night I read a $400-per-hour pricetag. I checked some ads and legit masseuses -- the kind who knead your shoulders and stretch your tendons, with certifications and licenses and no funny business -- ask $160 an hour in NYC.

I can't imagine Portland is so upscale that the going rate is 2.5 times ours here.

If someone asked me for that much money, I'd assume I was getting the full monty with happy ending. Am I missing something here?

Posted by: Little Miss Spellcheck at June 30, 2010 08:05 AM (a5ljo)

127 124 I am missing something with the story. How did the DNA get on her pants? I didn't read anything about how that got there.

Think of Chris Matthew's "tingling leg", extrapolate to Gore's "weather vane". 

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at June 30, 2010 08:06 AM (9hSKh)

128 The Day the Earth Stood Still

Posted by: wHodat at June 30, 2010 08:06 AM (+sBB4)

129 @129 LOL.

Posted by: George Orwell at June 30, 2010 08:08 AM (AZGON)

130 Al and Tipper Gore in... The Date After Tomorrow

Posted by: George Orwell at June 30, 2010 08:10 AM (AZGON)

131 Am I missing something here?

House call after hours.

Posted by: HeatherRadish at June 30, 2010 08:11 AM (mR7mk)

132 If someone asked me for that much money, I'd assume I was getting the full monty with happy ending. Am I missing something here?

Posted by: Little Miss Spellcheck at June 30, 2010 01:05 PM (a5ljo)

Wait.  What?

Posted by: AmishDude at June 30, 2010 08:14 AM (T0NGe)

133 Whew! Good thing they don't know about Larry...or Vera....or....

Posted by: B+rry Ob+owmao at June 30, 2010 08:17 AM (rFDlC)

134 Shocking disclosure: I am a heterosexual female.

That being said, if I was anywhere within 1,000 feet of Al Gore's naked member, I would sue for untold psychological damages. And that chakra cr@p? Oh yeah, that's causing me psychological damage as well.

I'd own that freaking house with the $30,000 a month electric bill.

Posted by: shibumi at June 30, 2010 08:18 AM (OKZrE)

135 I thought splooge was the moron-approved alliterative.

Gentleman's relish.

Posted by: toby928 at June 30, 2010 08:20 AM (4WbTI)

136

Algore starring in:

SHAFT!

Posted by: torabora at June 30, 2010 08:20 AM (rFDlC)

137 37 Shouldn't that be the sixth chakra? Posted by: Brad at June 30, 2010 12:18 PM

I'm sorry Brad, but you've admitted your knowledge of chakras in public.

You're going to have to turn in your man card immediately.

Posted by: shibumi at June 30, 2010 08:21 AM (OKZrE)

138

Algore starring in:

Jizzum!

Posted by: torabora at June 30, 2010 08:23 AM (rFDlC)

139

She says she has evidence of the attack, including DNA from a pair of pants she was wearing that night four years ago.

 

One woman's blue dress is another woman's blue jeans. 

blue dress+blue pants=no blue balls. 

I love blue on blue violence!

Posted by: runningrn at June 30, 2010 08:24 AM (CfmlF)

140

Algore starring in:

Guess Who's Cumming For Dinner?

Posted by: torabora at June 30, 2010 08:25 AM (rFDlC)

141
No one ever said Al Gore was smart.

Au contraire!

Posted by: The Nobel Peace Prize Committee at June 30, 2010 08:27 AM (VrNoa)

142

Algore starring in:

Volcano!

Posted by: torabora at June 30, 2010 08:29 AM (rFDlC)

143

The drawers that Gore wore are on the floor.

Hear the bore roar as we snore at his hardcore score.

The whore has his spoor that the press corps ignore,

His top floor rapport ignores what's offshore,

a Cat-4 Gaia War pouring oil galore.

 

Hey, what's with that cold sore?

Posted by: Dr. Varno at June 30, 2010 08:29 AM (0QJjg)

144 It has nothing to do with age or appearance. She's who showed up.
Celebrities use and abuse prostitutes and masseuses because they know they are powerless. No on will believe them.

Precisely.  Sexual assault--which is what this was--is not only about sex.  It's about getting one's rocks off on power.  In the transcript she noted over and over again that when she was afraid, that's when he seemed the most aroused.

she's kinda stupid

I read the whole transcript and I didn't get that vibe at all.  I thought her spritual beliefs were bullshit--the chakras and all--but when she described massage techniques and discussed her job in general, she sounded very believable. 

I am missing something with the story. How did the DNA get on her pants? I didn't read anything about how that got there.

Pre-leakage can contain sperm from a previous ejaculation.  Ask your local teenage mother whose pre-natal care consisted of insisting, "But he pulled out in time!"

Takeaway from this entire sordid tale:  I hate you, Al Gore, for making me even briefly contemplate your pre-leakage.

Posted by: Filly at June 30, 2010 08:30 AM (R+lqk)

145 That poetry!

Pummeled....fortuitous...lug nut.....bituminous!

It brought tears to my eyes.

Posted by: Steambost McGoo at June 30, 2010 08:42 AM (/cH23)

146

There once was a douche named Gore

Who's adductor was quite sore

He called a masseuse

His Chacre to loose,

And now he is stiff no more.

Posted by: runningrn at June 30, 2010 08:43 AM (CfmlF)

147 Al Gore is James Bond in . . .

Dr., No!

Posted by: dfbaskwill at June 30, 2010 08:48 AM (usjNq)

148

Release the Chakra
It's not too late for Gaia
Seed will sow anew

 

Second punch, the Chakra
Treat my love-crazed sex poodle
Your hands, massage me

Posted by: Al Gore, poet laureate at June 30, 2010 08:59 AM (GwPRU)

149 125 Prob Brian Keith will be playing Al Gore in the movie...gosh I can't think of a title, ummm, ah, sheesh...
Posted by: Something Wicked This Way Comes

Perfect choice to play Gore. He died in 1997.

Posted by: kansas at June 30, 2010 08:59 AM (mka2b)

150 I know some guys that went to HS with this douche bag. 

He is really really fucking weird.  His dad was to, good ole Albert, I'll take a bribe from Occidental, Gore.

I think this shit is real.  The woman's motives?  Note Al put his assets in to LLC almost immediately after this happen.  Lawyering up for the civil lawsuit.

My best guess. 

Al was offered a settlement for her keeping quiet.  Tipper finds out about the whole thing, leaves.  Al thinks his media buddies will cover his ass.  I don't think they will after Edwards.

I see NY Times on this within a week.

More popcorn please.

And this fucker could have been president?  Wonder why Kos and Kids aren't looking into this.  You would think at the least they would be trashing the woman.




Posted by: Kemp at June 30, 2010 09:00 AM (2+9Yx)

151
If someone asked me for that much money, I'd assume I was getting the full monty with happy ending. Am I missing something here?

Yeah, that the hooker got there and it was Al Gore.

Posted by: kansas at June 30, 2010 09:01 AM (mka2b)

152

Prob Brian Keith will be playing Al Gore in the movie...gosh I can't think of a title, ummm, ah, sheesh...
Posted by: Something Wicked This Way Comes

 

Only Brian Dennehey has the acting chops to play Teh Goreacle!


Posted by: runningrn at June 30, 2010 09:02 AM (CfmlF)

153 I need a headache. Think I'll go over to LGF.

Posted by: kansas at June 30, 2010 09:04 AM (mka2b)

154 If someone asked me for that much money, I'd assume I was getting the full monty with happy ending. Am I missing something here?
Posted by: Little Miss Spellcheck at June 30, 2010 01:05 PM (a5ljo)

No, that does seem high for a legit massage. I once got an in hotel room massage in Osaka and I believe it only cost like $80 or so. Of course my GF was with me and my back really did hurt so I wasn't looking for a happy ending either.

Posted by: Mćtenloch at June 30, 2010 09:05 AM (f5vi+)

155 Anybody got an Advil?

Posted by: kansas at June 30, 2010 09:06 AM (mka2b)

156 The juxtaposition of this post with the previous one, about Obama "sucking it up with a straw," has left me with a slightly nauseous feeling.

Posted by: sauropod at June 30, 2010 09:09 AM (GPm6P)

157 When will Kleenex trot out their new "Chakra Absorbers"?

Posted by: torabora at June 30, 2010 09:10 AM (rFDlC)

158 Al Gore is going to say "Nothing to see here.  Move Along".   Then the real story is that Al Gore was standing on a corner in Portland Oregon with his second chakra hanging out of his pants.  And even though it was well known as the "Biggest in the Beltway",. nobody was interested.

Posted by: Comanche Voter at June 30, 2010 09:10 AM (ktYjH)

159 When will Leftards start the campaign to legalize prostitution? Remember COYOTE of S.F. fame? Shouldn't this be a Democratic Party plank?

Posted by: torabora at June 30, 2010 09:12 AM (rFDlC)

160 Difficulty of getting a sample of Gore DNA?  Come on, I'm sure ex-Mrs. Gore could provide a sample somehow.  Bound to increase the property settlement, what?

Posted by: Mangas Colorados at June 30, 2010 09:27 AM (ex061)

161 >>>effluent from the second chakra.

Thanks! I just snorted hot coffee thru my nose onto my keyboard.

Posted by: Janir at June 30, 2010 09:32 AM (HOjYi)

162

 Thanks Ace, et al. 

(It's all a journey...)

Posted by: garrett at June 30, 2010 10:22 AM (QRiGH)

163

Al Gore in...

A Tug's Life

Posted by: reason at June 30, 2010 10:31 AM (L51+P)

164 "How did the DNA get on her pants"

Allow me to demonstrate...

Posted by: that dog humping your leg at June 30, 2010 10:33 AM (HtIec)

165

Al Gore stars in

"An Inconvenient Splooge"

 

 

Posted by: runningrn at June 30, 2010 11:23 AM (CfmlF)

166

Al Gore starring in

"Broke Back Fountain"

Posted by: runningrn at June 30, 2010 11:24 AM (CfmlF)

167

Al Gore starring in

"Fat Men Can't Hump"

Posted by: runningrn at June 30, 2010 11:26 AM (CfmlF)

168 She drinks his milkshake.

Posted by: Daniel Plainview at June 30, 2010 01:48 PM (daRzV)

169

Very funny Ace.  Here are newly released emo poems from Tipper Gore explaining the reasons for the breakup.  I hope this is up to moron standards

One thick September night

A flaccid tool dissipates

Neath folds of fat

 

Boredom rises as

flatulence escapes from acid colon

Neptune's impotence returns

 

Sweat glistens from flabby ass cheeks

Viagra fathers tumescence for a season

A hard penis droops quickly

 

The old wife sighs

The hour of choosing is at hand

Here is her cheap shot

 

 

 

Posted by: Call me Lennie at June 30, 2010 02:44 PM (r/5/5)

170 "What's the statute of limitations on sexual assault? Is it state-specific?"

"I can't remember where I read it but she still has a couple of years to bring this case."

As I briefly skimmed the Oregon statutes, if everything she says is true, the crime under Oregon law would be "Sexual Abuse in the Third Degree," a Class A misdemeanor.  The statute of limitations--for the State to bring criminal charges--is four years.  Since this all allegedly took place in 2006, it may be too late, or it may be JUST in time.

As a civil matter, in most states the general statute of limitations for most intentional torts is two years.  The Oregon statute of limitations for a civil battery suit appears to conform to this, so it would have run sometime in 2008.

Posted by: Dave J. at June 30, 2010 06:19 PM (DCQ0q)

171

Al Gore in

Damn: Yankees!

Posted by: Mr. Barky at June 30, 2010 07:21 PM (A9jm9)

172

Al Gore in

For Your Thighs Only

Posted by: Mr. Barky at June 30, 2010 07:22 PM (A9jm9)

173 38 Oh how I hope South Park does an episode on this. Must see TV indeed. Posted by: Jane D'oh at June 30, 2010 12:19 PM (UOM4 And I suggest the title of the episode be "Manhandled by ManBearPig" Why doesn't anyone take me serial?

Posted by: The Osprey at June 30, 2010 09:10 PM (E35es)

174 Those poems come from some disturbed minds.  Good work. 

Posted by: Penultimatum at July 01, 2010 12:04 AM (niydV)

175

Ace, with all respect I really don't give a rats ass about Gore and his "2nd Chakra", but so far as "they don't have his dna to compare" I think is wrong. Every POTUS and VPOTUS has to have blood samples taken in order to be sure in case of emergency proper replacemant blood is available. As a matter of fact (or anyway so I've heard) anyone who serves in the Armed Forces must now provide a blood sample for DNA testing in case its needed by Graves Registration downstream.

I would doubt that the samples of living ex-Presidents/vice-presidents  are destroyed when they leave office so somewhere in this massive bureauocracy there lies a DNA sample. Try Walter Reed or Bethesda Naval Hospital.

Then give the vice 20-50 just because.

Posted by: auldsailor at July 01, 2010 12:28 AM (HWxaU)

176 Was curious, so I looked up this whole chakra business. Supposedly, male sexual energy is associated with the First Chakra, and is experienced primarily as a physical sensation. For women, sex is associated with the Second Chakra, and is experienced as an emotional phenomenon. (Hey, just repeating what it said.) I understand the whole business of how-hot-is-the-Earth's-core might be a bit elusive to a mind like Gore's, but it would be amusing if it turns out he even managed to fuck up his chakras.

Posted by: sierra at July 01, 2010 03:28 AM (ZJYcC)

177

C'mon, someone's gotta say it. We're all thinking it...

CHAKRAGATE!

Posted by: Jay Guevara at July 01, 2010 06:52 AM (gErW8)

178 test

Posted by: andycanuck at July 03, 2010 06:25 AM (7b1Uc)

179 xxx

Posted by: Fish at July 03, 2010 08:46 AM (v1gw3)

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