January 31, 2006

Not Safe For Work: "Impressive Woman" Wants Jedi-Themed Orgy
— Ace

She wants to be Leia. I had her figured for Jabba.

She's black. While she wants someone to play Chewie, she doesn't mention Lando. What gives?

Thanks to compos mentis, who once pooped his pants as an adult.

Posted by: Ace at 10:04 AM | Comments (54)
Post contains 56 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Its a trend.

Her Craigslist Post:

Hello boys,

I'm a 20 year old sociology major at UC Berkeley. I've heard so much about the Princess Leia fantasy, that I kind of want to see a man lust over and just devour me to the extreme. I have long light brown hair and can do the buns. Can get the outfit...just need the man. I'm embarrassed about bringing this up with boys that I am normally in contact with. That's why I want to be discrete. HOWEVER...I ONLY WANT SOMEONE YOUNGER THAN 24 and you must be WHITE!!! Please email me with a picture and I will respond. Only want this to be a one time deal not ongoing sex. If you're in a relationship, don't worry, s/he won't find out but if you want him or her to watch, that's fine by me. Don't care if you're bi, straight, or gay. I live in the dorms so I can't host.


My Response:

I'll do it if I can be Chewbaca instead of Hans. Mad
mad sex grunts is what you will get. And a mouth
full of Wookie pubes. Better yet, Ill be Yoda, and you
can squat on me.

*She wrote back wants a threesome...

Posted by: steve_in_hb at January 31, 2006 10:12 AM (spTw1)

2 Don't they know
"A Jedi craves not these things"
But a SITH, now thats a whole 'nuther story.

Posted by: Iblis at January 31, 2006 10:16 AM (9221z)

3 Uh, that would be Not Safe For Lunch, Ace.

Posted by: bbeck at January 31, 2006 10:17 AM (qF8q3)

4 Wookie pubes . . . I can hardly type I'm laughing so hard.

Posted by: adolfo velasquez at January 31, 2006 10:24 AM (jQiTm)

5 Oh.....my.....God. Not quite as bad as the mother of all cameltoes, but still.......yeesh.

Posted by: CraigC at January 31, 2006 10:30 AM (ASX9p)

6 Uh Steve, linking to a site associated with a knob like Tucker Max really doesn't place any man in a flattering light, much less men in general.

Posted by: bbeck at January 31, 2006 10:33 AM (qF8q3)

7 Now I have to Jedi-mind-trick myself into forgetting that.

Posted by: right at January 31, 2006 10:33 AM (QNf4S)

8 What are the odds that "Leigh" is closer in looks to Jabba the Hut?

Posted by: The Warden at January 31, 2006 10:38 AM (EV5YU)

9 Wookie pubes?

Oh goodness.

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at January 31, 2006 10:38 AM (y1hCN)

10 Calm soothing voice:

"I never saw ultra-giant boobies and poochy leg fat."

"I never saw ultra-giant boobies and poochy leg fat."

Posted by: right at January 31, 2006 10:39 AM (QNf4S)

11 So, is the "mother of all cameltoes" safe for work?

Posted by: at January 31, 2006 10:41 AM (nhH3s)

12 LOL at Right!

Posted by: Sue Dohnim at January 31, 2006 10:43 AM (rE+jU)

13 Okay, bbeck. Who is this Tucker fellow, and what does he have the Max of, anyway?

Posted by: Tom M at January 31, 2006 10:47 AM (d6bNm)

14 "Uh Steve, linking to a site associated with a knob like Tucker Max really doesn't place any man in a flattering light, much less men in general."

1) I'm unattractive in all ways, so no light is flattering to me.

2) Despite the jackass source, the story is on topic and mildly amusing.

3) I wanted to put something witty here, but I'm too tired too think. Instead I give you the 2004 Asian Mustache Olympics.

Posted by: steve_in_hb at January 31, 2006 10:48 AM (spTw1)

15 Thanks a lot Ace. You've now ruined EVERYTHING I hold dear and sacred.

What next, a Margaret Cho themed King of the Hill orgy?

Posted by: Sith Master Rusty Shackleford at January 31, 2006 10:49 AM (JQjhA)

16 Okay, bbeck. Who is this Tucker fellow, and what does he have the Max of, anyway?

Tom, Tucker Max is some loser who can't find a steady girlfriend, so he makes a living off of promoting the most unflattering male stereotypes you can think of and writing about them. No person who seriously rejects the idea that most males are insecure, immature, vain jackasses (like the study Ace linked below) should put up with him, yet somehow he continues to sell books. I LOVE men -- sure, they have flaws, don't we all? -- and it's offensive to see them cast in such a negative light due to one really bad apple.

And Steve, fair 'nuf, it's just been a while since I saw anything about Max and I'd assumed his (pseudo) novelty had worn off, so my reaction was from the gut.

Posted by: bbeck at January 31, 2006 11:06 AM (qF8q3)

17 I don't know what your definition of "safe for work" is. I think it is. It's just extremely disturbing.

Posted by: CraigC at January 31, 2006 11:11 AM (ASX9p)

18 Thanks, bbeck. So this guy is both a loser and an opportunistic dick? Sounds swell.

Posted by: Tom M at January 31, 2006 11:15 AM (d6bNm)

19 bbeck -

I've never read any of his books, so I can't comment on them. As a matter of fact, I had never heard his name until I stumbled across the website a couple of weeks ago. His stories about women are repetitive and tedious. I appreciate his stories of drunken excess, because I tend to

1) Say things just because they're funny - damn the consequences.

2) Drink to excess.

3) Get involved in weird situations.

4) Combine #'s1-3.

Posted by: steve_in_hb at January 31, 2006 11:20 AM (spTw1)

20 I think I saw Gary Coleman in there.

Posted by: Pixelflash at January 31, 2006 11:32 AM (O+1/6)

21 There's an old, lost thong somewhere in Princess Layers.

Speaking of layas instead of layers, don't miss John Kerry's new bilingual outreach.

Posted by: machs at January 31, 2006 11:45 AM (MP/aT)

22 "Beepy beep squawk squeal boop blerooo, bip bip"

Translation: Luke, I see a small rear entrance to that Death Star, but you will need all-aspect Photon Astroglide Torpedoes; all you can carry!

Posted by: R2D2 at January 31, 2006 12:00 PM (BJYNn)

23 So this guy is both a loser and an opportunistic dick? Sounds swell.

Pretty much. It's like this: some guys act like jerks because it's an act. Sometimes they act like jerks because they're jerks. If it's the former, uh, it hardly takes talent to act like a jerk, and if it's the latter, then the guy's a jerk and you don't want to be around him anyway.

And Steve, let me tell you a story about how stupid this Max person is...

They had some dating show on a cable channel, I guess about 10 years ago, and Max's "dating application" was featured, probably as a promo for his book. They followed him around for a while with a camera, and one night he was at a bar and had the opportunity to either: a) MAYBE score with a decent looking chick, or B) DEFINITELY score with 2 women at the same time, but they weren't as good-looking (but they weren't repulsive, just average). Max went for Option A (proving himself to be an idiot in most men's eyes), the chick ended up leaving without him, and 10 minutes later Max was puking his guts in the bar's alley and passing out alone later.

Draw your own conclusions from that episode. Me, I got the impression that this guy's long graduated from college and still acts like a frat boy. That doesn't exactly warm my loins.

And I'm with you on your list as I do all of those things, too. I just don't recall ever hearing Max say something funny, consequences or not.

Mox nix either way.

Posted by: bbeck at January 31, 2006 12:04 PM (qF8q3)

24 Sometimes they act like jerks because they're jerks

In my case, I've taken some natural ability and refined it into something special.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at January 31, 2006 12:11 PM (pzen5)

25 bbeck -

Let me guess, you were one of the two girls;-)

You think he's an asshole who writes sophomoric, unfunny stories. I think he's an asshole that writes sophomoric stories that are occasionally funny. Both of us would agree that he's not a subject worthy of an extended conversation. So lets stop.

Posted by: steve_in_hb at January 31, 2006 12:19 PM (spTw1)

26 Hey, not all of us can be real gentlement like Larry Niven!

Posted by: Tucker Max at January 31, 2006 12:34 PM (sCtph)

27 Jabba the Hut like hell, that my boys is the fucking Death Star itself. She needs a volunteer to plunge a X-Wing Fighter up that exhaust port.

Posted by: B Moe at January 31, 2006 12:41 PM (oo8c+)

28 I think she's the sensitive type.

Sensitive to gravitational forces the way the moon is.

Posted by: BackThatAzzUp at January 31, 2006 12:45 PM (O+1/6)

29 Things have taken a turn for the worse.

Posted by: Mike Superior at January 31, 2006 12:53 PM (vsigV)

30 There is no way I am going to make the obvious pun on the great city planet with this one. Too easy, too gross.

Posted by: Tom M at January 31, 2006 12:54 PM (d6bNm)

31 It's a trap!

Posted by: Mike in Wyoming at January 31, 2006 12:55 PM (aZSuS)

32 Let me guess, you were one of the two girls;-)

I'd never be described by anyone as average-looking, even by myself.

Posted by: bbeck at January 31, 2006 01:07 PM (qF8q3)

33 Big girls need love too. They just need more of it.

Posted by: Tom at January 31, 2006 01:10 PM (89h2e)

34 Ace mentions a Jabba sized woman and what do I do? I click the link.

Someone in comments mentions the Mother of all Cameltoes as being worse and what do I do? I click the link.

SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THE INTERNET.

Posted by: Sortelli at January 31, 2006 01:15 PM (JV5Qt)

35 Sortelli -

Click this link.

Posted by: steve_in_hb at January 31, 2006 01:36 PM (spTw1)

36 Thanks to you Steve, I'm now blind, er... have retarded eyes.
A. Weasel

Posted by: A. Weasel at January 31, 2006 01:42 PM (nv7bH)

37 "Click this link."


I'M BLIND!
But oddly aroused.

Posted by: Iblis at January 31, 2006 01:44 PM (9221z)

38 "Someone?" Hey, thanks, Sortelli.

Posted by: CraigC at January 31, 2006 01:46 PM (ASX9p)

39 IT'S A TRAP!

(do it right, people)

Posted by: Admiral Ackbar at January 31, 2006 01:49 PM (FmdLR)

40 Thanks to compos mentis, who once pooped his pants as an adult

was it because of those photographs?

Posted by: Dave in Texas at January 31, 2006 01:52 PM (BSzSC)

41 It's Mary M. !!!1!~
Amazing that she thinks she's got time for an orgy, what with having to clean out the litter boxes for 23 odd cats or so.

Posted by: Otho Laurence at January 31, 2006 02:01 PM (R9O/9)

42 I'm right there with the other idiots who clicked the link. I think to myself, How bad can it be? I think, Maybe their esthetic is just different from mine. Maybe this is simply some Junoesque goddess who wishes to get her freak on, Star Wars-style. Maybe she's just-AAAaahhhggg! The goggles! They do nothing!

Then just to prove I'm every bit the Y-Chromosome poisoned idjit that most women think I am, I clicked on the cameltoe link too. My retinas still burn and seethe with the horribleness of the Yog-Sothoth Beast Of A Thousand Flabby Folds.

Like a rat hitting the damned feeder bar.

Posted by: Monty at January 31, 2006 02:39 PM (djE5R)

43 Sortelli -

Click this link.

Damn you Steve. Damn you to hell.

"Someone?" Hey, thanks, Sortelli.

Well Craig, I didn't want to name any names, but it was YOU WHO POSTED THAT CAMELTOE LINK!!!! YOOOOOOOU!!!!

Posted by: Sortelli at January 31, 2006 02:44 PM (JV5Qt)

44 Here's a story someone told on the discussion board that can not be mentioned:

I was working as an Ob resident in a large county hospital emergency room when one of the 4th year med students came staggering out of an exam room. I ran over to him only to find him doubled up with laughter. He had spent about 15 minutes swimming upstream, speculum in hand, through the thigh fat of a morbidly obese patient in search of her vagina. When he apologized for the delay, the patient said kindly,"That's ok, baby, sometimes my husband thinks he's lovin me but he ain't."

Posted by: steve_in_hb at January 31, 2006 02:44 PM (spTw1)

45 Click this link.

O you dirty bastard.

Posted by: Monty at January 31, 2006 02:48 PM (djE5R)

46 OT, but: word has it that "Mother" Sheehan just got busted and packed off to jail for unfurling an anti-war banner. Expect the moonbats to go on 100%-facist red alert.

Posted by: Monty at January 31, 2006 04:01 PM (djE5R)

47 steve_in_hb


I'm wiping away tears.

Posted by: right at January 31, 2006 07:06 PM (ZBWoY)

48 a-a: I believe it's in German and Swedish (the beginning lyrics are German, sounds like Rammstein, while the lyrics with the text is Swedish - "och" in Swedish, "og" in Norwegian and Danish).

Lady Thatcher rocks!

Posted by: Muslihoon at January 31, 2006 07:29 PM (Q8UK2)

49 Maybe we can hook her up with Man-Faye...

(You will click the link, pathetic earthling! If I had to suffer, you will as well...)

Posted by: Cybrludite at January 31, 2006 07:38 PM (XFoEH)

50 Theres not to mention YODA or SALCIOUS CRUMB or BIB FORTUNA what the ding dong is going on?

Posted by: spurwing plover at February 01, 2006 04:52 AM (EPfmS)

51 Now I am as happy as a little guuurl.

Posted by: Dave Munger at February 01, 2006 01:51 PM (Rfyen)

52 If she wants a good operation she should get 21-B the medical droid that gave LUKE his artificial hand

Posted by: spurwing plover at February 01, 2006 04:47 PM (wksIu)

53 Oh my...this is so funny. Nice post!
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