April 26, 2006

My Own Yahoo Personal Ad
— Ace

Serious content warning. I mean, really. Don't read this.

Suggested by Russell, or Mean Mr. Mustard.

I'm looking for a dirty, dirty whore, a real filthy gutter-trollop, a low-self-esteem dork-strumpet who can read my smile from across the room and know what I'm thinking, and which part of her body I'm thinking about doing it to.

A best friend, really -- if by "best friend" you mean "busty fetish-queen whose idea of romance is the most degrading three minutes of sexual debasement imaginable."

When I nap, she'll "do things to me," "down there," and she'l break the sound barrier to get to me if I ever call her in dire need of a second woman when I'm getting it on with a call-girl.

We'd show all of our faces to each other, without fear, except when I need some "me-time," which is pretty much anytime she's not on all fours screeching like a gibbon in heat.

She'll crave the magic that happens every time we're in each other's dirty places.

Our conversations will be terse and chilly and she will answer "Yes, sir" or maybe "I will, Daddy."

Together, we'd be like school children, team-mates, lab partners, lovers of mystery and exploration, and our constant quest will be discover what more we can possibly fit inside her ass.

She'll love to be read Maxim, Cosmo, and Nigella Lawson's cookbooks, always looking for new ways to look hot, give me a better orgasm, and make me something interesting to eat. She'll try very hard to remember the important days in my year, like Humpday, which is, of course, Wednesday, and also every day of the week within three days of Wednesday.

She will prefer unmarked paths to pavement, and a good hike over fame, because I plan to use her as a fetch-dog when I go out squirrel-huntin'.

She'll be equally at home being a totally debased and filthy-sick whore in a nature preserve, a nightclub, a dingy diner or a ballpark or, again, in her ass.

My ideal woman is one who roots out what doesn't belong in her, like her ovaries, and puts in what does belong in her, like my filthy stinking hog and obscenely large silicone implants. (No saline, ladies; my pleasure comes before your health.)

She understands I need solitude from time to time and doesn't mind spending six or eight hours in the closet when I have my buddies over.

She appreciates that wind does funny things to me, and I'm a big fan of my own "wind," and she will be an even bigger fan of my "wind." When I crack out a good one, I expect her to stand up and applaud and exclaim, "Honey, that was so satisfying there must have been genetic material in it!"

Of course, she'll have "a past," probably as an erotic gymnast in some underground Bangkok sexual circus of dubious legality, but won't compare me to all the previous men she's had, nor, especially, to the farm animals, except, of course, to tell me I am better than, say, Walter The Wonder Donkey.

She believes in creating miracles, in my pants.

She won't like to share thoughts, unless it is some new, innovative way to give me pleasure. She will make me lots of desserts, and she has the good sense not to bring dirty rotten tree-leaves into the house like she were some retarded puppy.

Although, bonus points if she actually is retarded. Retards are freaks in the sack. It's always a turn-on when a man reduces a woman beneath the capacity for coherent speech, and this effect is easier to achieve when coherent speech is already a bit of a tricky proposition to begin with.

She strain for new ways to remain completely silent the way astronomers strain for new stars. And speaking of astronomy, she won't mind the fact that my telescope is pointed directly at the sorority house down the street.

She won't giggle, unless I've said something intended to be funny, in which case she'll tell me I'm so funny I make her moist and sometimes spontaneously climax.

She won't mind if I sometimes leave the dishes until morning, or even if I sometimes leave the body of the hobo I strangled last night in the bathtub, until morning. I do expect her, however, to clean all dishes left out until morning, and also hack apart the bodies of dead hobos and hitchhikers and carry them out of the house in garbage bags.

I would prefer it if she had the sense not to ask me, "Do these severed body parts get recycled?"

She'll have have much to teach me, mostly about my dirty, hairy balls.

Our chemistry will be palpable; she will understand and appreciate my hobbies and interests, especially my interest in videotaping the brutal sex sessions I have with her and selling them on the Internet for $9.99 a pop. X-Box games just don't buy themselves, you know.

The good in her will see the good in me, and, furthermore, she will want the good in me constantly poking around inside the good in her, and will love it when I pull the good in me out of the good in her and use the good in me to decorate her like she was a birthday cake.

Also, she should have really big tits.

I know I mentioned the breast-implants, but she should already be pretty huge up there already, because I really don't want those hiddeous strech-marks when I jack her up to a triple-E.

Posted by: Ace at 08:10 AM | Comments (31)
Post contains 937 words, total size 5 kb.

Posted by: Allah at April 26, 2006 08:14 AM (CbBW/)

2 "Retards are freaks in the sack."

Truer words . . .

Posted by: Hoke at April 26, 2006 08:18 AM (5HveT)

3 I don't often use the word "hero," but...

Posted by: Sean M. at April 26, 2006 08:20 AM (dc5zY)

4 Ace, you speak for all men.


Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at April 26, 2006 08:24 AM (y1hCN)

5 Um . . .

"When I nap, she'll "do things to me," "down there," and she'l break the sound barrier to get to me if I ever call him in dire need of a wettie."

If you ever call call "him"?

Gettin' into Danny Bonaduce territory, there, Ace.

Posted by: ccwbass at April 26, 2006 08:27 AM (slIrn)

6 Dude, you just plagiarized my contract rider. Jerk. And you waited until I was on my honeymoon in Scotland to do it.

Man, I am wound up over this. I think I'll order a "massage" to help "relieve the stress."

Posted by: Kevin Costner at April 26, 2006 08:32 AM (Mg597)

7 it's just sad when Feisty does your ghost writing.

Posted by: MacStansbury at April 26, 2006 08:34 AM (CNsdg)

8 Allah, those can't be real. They all sound like they were written by the same person.

Posted by: lauraw at April 26, 2006 08:36 AM (mZWDv)

9 Dude, that rocked! We should talk when I get out of the slammer.

Posted by: Travis Frey at April 26, 2006 08:37 AM (wg4FW)

10 lauraw - those are real. i subscribe to esquire and they had a contest for the most brutally honest personals. I think they tried it monthly but (surprise, suprise) not enough people sent them in. However, they are real.

Posted by: yls at April 26, 2006 08:40 AM (A8tU0)

11 Now that is the model personal ad.

Posted by: Iblis at April 26, 2006 08:40 AM (9221z)

12 If you actually get a response...ask her if she has a sister (or good friend).

Come on, dude. You owe me.

Posted by: TheShadow at April 26, 2006 08:41 AM (EI+zd)

13 Quite possible, LauraW. I have a couple of friends who made a little extra scratch writing letters to the editor in porn mags. Generally, they're given a rough outline (you're a happily married young woman with the hots for some guy at the gym) and the number of words desired, and it's off to the races.

Posted by: S. Weasel at April 26, 2006 08:41 AM (rasT+)

14 Hey S. Weasel,

How do I get a gig like that? And what kind of scratch are we talking about? I already have poison ivy from mushroom hunting.

Posted by: compos mentis at April 26, 2006 08:50 AM (xHpUK)

15 Our chemistry will be palpable. Since she's a filthy no-account slag and I rarely bathe, the mixing of our fetid, rank juices will create a sort of toxic wet spot. Imagine a rotting bullfrog in fizzy-spoiled cottage cheese. There's your palpable chemisrty right there.

Posted by: spongeworthy at April 26, 2006 08:53 AM (uSomN)

16 weird. I posted about Esquire today too.

59 things men should never do past thirty.

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at April 26, 2006 08:56 AM (mvCeX)

17 Oh my God, Oh my God, quick where is the closest movie theatre.....

Posted by: PeeWee Herman at April 26, 2006 08:57 AM (wZLWV)

18 you've outdone yourself on this one, well done

Posted by: j at April 26, 2006 08:58 AM (fFk5N)

19 O Keeerist Spongeworthy.

I just shat myself and started weeping uncontrollably...

Posted by: Grendel at April 26, 2006 09:02 AM (q1K0X)

20 All I ever wanted was a blond, deaf/mute nympho with a Ferrari dealership and a chain of liquor stores. But if this chick can bring the hobos and hitch-hikers, well....

Posted by: hutch1200 at April 26, 2006 09:07 AM (cz2Zx)

21 Alright! Forget all that shit from my ad! Now we're fuckin' talking!

Bring. It. On, Baby!

Posted by: Madeline Albright at April 26, 2006 09:09 AM (AQGeh)

22 Imagine a rotting bullfrog in fizzy-spoiled cottage cheese.

How very descriptive! You are one poetic sumbitch sponge! More! Bravo! Encore!

Posted by: compos mentis at April 26, 2006 09:40 AM (xHpUK)

23 Fifteen years ago I would have memorized that shit. But today, my daughter turns 17......so I'm gonna go clean my gun.

Posted by: Sticky B at April 26, 2006 09:42 AM (OITHG)

24 LOL! Speaking of things not to read ... (warning: may cause blindness).

Posted by: rightwingprof at April 26, 2006 10:13 AM (hj1Wx)

25 LOL! Speaking of things not to read ... (warning: may cause blindness).

Did you see the black eyes she had. Must be a jogger.

Posted by: RLS at April 26, 2006 10:55 AM (Lh7Vt)

26 This is Ace's short version of his personal ad:

I want a post-op tranny, preferably one you can't spot at 10 paces.

Posted by: bbeck at April 26, 2006 11:42 AM (qF8q3)

27 not a prude, unworthy of your site. disgusting, OK but this is REALLY the DARK side, which we do not go. kemp

Posted by: kemperman at April 26, 2006 02:57 PM (Wc54u)

28 It's like the song says:
"Women seem wicked, when you're unwanted..."

(Or, you know, when you hang around lots of wicked women.)

Posted by: sandy burger at April 26, 2006 03:15 PM (Uuy++)

29 Kemp, that there is just part of the Ace O' Spades lifestyle.
Yes, disgusting, shock-value gym humor, but hilarious.
Don't get so serious about the funny.

Posted by: Uncle Jefe at April 26, 2006 03:35 PM (QPFur)

30 Thanks, Allah: This chick is perfect

Posted by: The Unabrewer at April 26, 2006 03:49 PM (CDwI3)

31 I can't believe it, my co-worker just bought a car for $34033. Isn't that crazy!

Posted by: Betsy Markum at June 01, 2006 05:07 PM (zl5qT)

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