March 30, 2007

Masturbating Trespasser Booted From Fraternity
— Ace

The trespasser was a woman. And she broke in and masturbated in front of fraternity brothers for half an hour.

BumperStickerist notes,

I'm surprised a Lacrosse game didn't break out.

Damnit, I was trying to think of a joke along those lines. Nice.


Police have been unable to locate a woman who entered the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house without permission on Thursday and began to masturbate on a couch.

While fraternity members were eating in the dining room, a woman entered the house's living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating, said LSA junior Dan Nye, the president of the Washtenaw Avenue fraternity.

No one saw the woman enter the house or knew how she got in. Nye said she could have entered through the front door, which was left propped open while it was being repaired.

Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said.

That's about how long I'd give her, I guess.


She walked out of the front door wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police, Nye said. When police arrived minutes later, the woman had already left.

According to a police report, the woman was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs.

"Obviously, she was very disturbed," Nye said. "It was not how a normal person would respond to people."

But in a better world than this...


Fraternity members said they will throw out two couches in the living room because of the incident, Nye said

Two couches? Nice. I'm going to start rating women according to the number of couches I'll have to discard after thinking of them.

Salma Hayek? There's a four-coucher right there. Used to be a five-coucher, but time catches up with all of us.

How ugly do you have to be to show up wearing only a short jacket, begin masturbating all over a frat house, and yet still get asked to leave?

Supposedly this is a picture of the woman (Light Content Warning: Contains text-ads for porn-sites at the top) not sure if it is, but it matches the description in the article.

I'm not sure that's ugly enough to warrant this disturbing lack of gallantry. And these guys demanded she leave? What's become of our youth?

No, seriously, the woman was obviously disturbed, and I think these guys did the right thing.

After a half hour of watching her, of course. But that's still pretty heroic.

Thanks to Ken.

Posted by: Ace at 09:48 AM | Comments (54)
Post contains 446 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Ace, that's ugly enough.  You need to get out more, my friend.

Posted by: HerrMorgenholz at March 30, 2007 09:52 AM (5aa4z)

2 Could  use a little warning on the Pic link- the adds are pretty raunchy.

Posted by: captkidney at March 30, 2007 09:52 AM (uQDzC)


I'm surprised a Lacrosse game didn't break out.


Posted by: BumperStickerist at March 30, 2007 09:55 AM (e72PW)

4 The right thing would have been to call the police so she could be taken into custody and transported to a psych unit for evaluation.

Posted by: Red at March 30, 2007 09:57 AM (aye0J)


Did the article mention that our fraternity is entirely of students majoring in Interior Decorating or Hotel/Restaurant Management?


In other words, do I need to draw you a picture?

Posted by: peni peni peni (ppp - triple peni fratertnity) at March 30, 2007 10:01 AM (61SUF)


I would have to believe that at least one of the frat brothers whipped out a video camera and got a little footage.

How about hookin' a brother up?

Posted by: Steve L. at March 30, 2007 10:02 AM (jP16r)

7 Number of couches thrown out:  0.1

Posted by: EC at March 30, 2007 10:03 AM (mAhn3)

8 Did they ask her to leave real slow?

Posted by: mbruce at March 30, 2007 10:03 AM (LLCm9)


Not entering that work-site.

Even with borrowed tools.


Posted by: Joe Mama at March 30, 2007 10:08 AM (0rl7n)

10 Personally?
I like 'em when they've got that *I'm going to kill you after we fuck* look in their eyes.
If you click on the picture you get some Lohan side nipplage.

Posted by: too busy spankin' it to type my name at March 30, 2007 10:09 AM (Q7anV)


According to a police report, the woman was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs.

Of course that was after the initial descriptions of "about 3 inches, virtical, and more than a little mangled, but still, oddly beautiful."

Posted by: Wickedpinto at March 30, 2007 10:16 AM (QTv8u)

12 My net couch worth has actually increased, thanks to that.

Posted by: Justin at March 30, 2007 10:16 AM (Q4HdS)

13 I've always suspected the Pikes are fairies, now I know for sure.

Posted by: Dudley Smith at March 30, 2007 10:17 AM (0S8Xt)

14 If those frat boys had been real gentleman they would have invited  her up to their room so she could do her thing.
Since I am a gentleman, that is what I would have done.

Posted by: 1sttofight at March 30, 2007 10:17 AM (rrCtY)

Salma Hayek? There's a four-coucher right there.

No way.  Salma is a zero-coucher -- I'd keep that couch forever.

Posted by: pbrown at March 30, 2007 10:19 AM (NP8hw)

16 LOL, only at UofM would she not get trained.


Posted by: benrand at March 30, 2007 10:20 AM (G0Mde)


Two questions.

Are they sure "it" was a woman?

Why isn't she in jail?  That tattoo on her left leg sure would make it easy to id her?

This whole story doesn't pass the smell test.  Something is amiss here.





Posted by: kempermanx at March 30, 2007 10:20 AM (qvT/A)


This whole story doesn't pass the smell test.

Maybe thats why they called the cops, and why they got rid of the couches.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at March 30, 2007 10:23 AM (QTv8u)

19 I must've walked by that house dozens of times.  I probably should've mailed this to Ace when I saw it yesterday in the local news (I still scan the online Daily now and again), but there were no pictures at the time.

It's just not something you can really form an opinion on without pics.

Now that I've seen what's supposed to have been the chick?  Yeah, I'm not sure I wouldhave called the cops right away either.

Posted by: leoncaruthers at March 30, 2007 10:25 AM (7iTO9)

20 That's masturbatorial harassment!

Posted by: Kevin at March 30, 2007 10:27 AM (/ndDU)

21 They got rid of the couchs because she, not they, soiled them. It's not uncommon for people with schizophrenia to have a "breakdown of taboos" and masturbate in public.

Posted by: Red at March 30, 2007 10:28 AM (aye0J)

22 One time on spring break in college, this girl random girl came into our room and passed out on the couch. Later that evening, as a whole group of people were sitting around drinking in that room, she woke up, and, infront of everyone, began masturbating, apprantly oblivious to the roomfull of people.

Two things kind of lowered the coolness of it:
a. She was pretty unattractive.
b. During the masturbation session, she puked all over herself and kept going at it.

Eventually she left. True story.

Posted by: corn at March 30, 2007 10:29 AM (yHvEo)

23 ppp-

Is it really an interior design frat, or are you just funning?

Posted by: ace at March 30, 2007 10:29 AM (+u1X0)


Ace, rest assured that this was digitally recorded by every fratboy in that house until it became tiresome and she refused to leave.

Time until first internet leakage of video?  T-minus 12 hrs.

Posted by: AxL at March 30, 2007 10:30 AM (DC1Zk)

25 I could have lived without the close-up.

Posted by: Scot at March 30, 2007 10:33 AM (qlZ26)


It's a botched joke, ace. Call it a hunch, but I'm fairly certain that they are all gay.


Posted by: peni peni peni (ppp - triple peni fratertnity) at March 30, 2007 10:33 AM (61SUF)

27 I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but these men should have their faces carved into Rushmore.  They're frat-house Buzz Aldrins.

Posted by: Emperor of Icecream at March 30, 2007 10:37 AM (w4Bx4)


I was masturbating in protest of the Iraq War and in protest of Bush's hegemonic policies.

Visit my website,, and watch me protest Bush on a live video cam for a small monthly fee of only $19.95.

Posted by: mastubator at March 30, 2007 10:41 AM (nT4w/)


a. She was pretty unattractive.

Government Compentancy

Posted by: Wickedpinto at March 30, 2007 10:42 AM (QTv8u)


Inre: #23

To: Corn

Much like the sheep farmer in the confessional, I don't know if  I'dve told that one.

Posted by: Sticky B at March 30, 2007 10:49 AM (Vv0Ty)



Posted by: Dead Deer Screwer at March 30, 2007 10:50 AM (m2CN7)

32 Did I ask for a warning on this thread? Now that I read a few comments I realize I am an ass. Sorry Ace.

Posted by: captkidney at March 30, 2007 10:54 AM (uQDzC)

33 Ace, you may have just helped solve a missing persons case.  That picture is the spitting image of a client of mine, who is mentally ill, and went missing from Florida several weeks ago.  I'm not positive, but it sure looks like her.

Posted by: ArrMatey at March 30, 2007 11:08 AM (Th77e)


 That tattoo on her left leg sure would make it easy to id her

That's a tattoo?  I thought it was something oozing from her snootch.

Posted by: rickinstl at March 30, 2007 11:10 AM (MvmeX)


police department: What's your emergency?

frat boy: Um, there's some lady on our couch, um, and, she's um, touching herself.

pd: Is someone injured? I don't understand what the problem is?

frat boy: No, no, she's not hurt. She just came into our frat house and started to masturbate on our couch.

pd: What does she look like?

frat boy: Um, she has brown hair and...

pd: How old is she? About?

frat boy: 25, maybe 30. We asked her to leave but...

pd: Is she naked?

frat boy: Yeah, pretty much.

pd: Niiiiiiiice.

frat boy: What?

pd: Big tits?

frat boy: Yeah, I guess...

pd: Niiiiiiiiiiice. Okay, we'll send an officer out there right away.

frat boy: Okay, thanks.

pd: No, thank YOU for calling. Do me a favor, make sure she doesn't leave before we get there.


Posted by: police 911 recording at March 30, 2007 11:11 AM (Q7Cxs)

36 ArrMatey,

Maybe I'm just gullible today, but are you serious?

Posted by: ace at March 30, 2007 11:26 AM (+u1X0)

37 That's a tattoo?

It looked like the drawstrings hanging down from the bottom of the coat to me.

And I think Wickedpinto's guess on her not passing the "smell test" is probably a very good one.  That lady looked pretty disturbed (as if her actions didn't make that clear enough), and folks who are seriously mental can go a long time without bathing, eventually emitting a cloud of invisible funk that could knock a buzzard off a shitwagon at 10 yards.

Living in San Francisco, I encounter these folks several times a week, and when walking past them I've learned not to inhale for several paces.  Thankfully, at least I haven't encountered any of them rubbing one out in public.  Yet.

Posted by: Alex at March 30, 2007 11:39 AM (fgyj8)

38 Actually I think they finaly called the police when she stopped using the house paddle.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at March 30, 2007 11:41 AM (QTv8u)

39 That was a south park reference wasn't it?

Posted by: Wickedpinto at March 30, 2007 11:41 AM (QTv8u)


I once threw out a couch after a friend of mine sat on it while she was having her *whispers...



Just thinking about having that couch in my house after that was torture.

Posted by: Andrew Sullivan at March 30, 2007 12:00 PM (Q7Cxs)

41 Ace, they probably called the cops because she's an (allegedly) Eastern Michigan student  (EMU is down Washtenaw Ave. about 5 miles from UM).  Can't have an EMU low-life soiling the hallowed grounds of UM.

Posted by: t gonzo at March 30, 2007 12:07 PM (f2FR9)

42 I'm still laughing about "the Louvre of DNA".

Posted by: too many steves at March 30, 2007 12:18 PM (Bmhbf)


#4 call the police so she could be taken into custody...

#8  Did they ask her to leave real slow?

#15...they would have invited  her up to their room...

#18 Are they sure "it" was a woman? 

#18 = BINGO

I'm sorry, but from those pictures, I'm not entirely convinced that is a female at all.

The apparently hairless legs have me going though...

Posted by: Gunslinger at March 30, 2007 12:26 PM (x0jT7)

44 Gunslinger - in Ann Arbor, that is a question that would always be on your lips.

Posted by: t gonzo at March 30, 2007 12:29 PM (f2FR9)


I have noticed that kids have become more and more pansified since I have left college.  Barely any of them smoke anymore, and they are nigh near teatotalers.  It's pretty sad when people my age group and social circle (early 30's, post college grad, young professional, etc.) lead more a destructive lifestyle than college kids in there early 20's.  What is this world coming to?

Posted by: Jason at March 30, 2007 01:11 PM (OSSCz)

46 Well she's not real hot but.. frat boys threw her out? Did they do it after they got done passing her around?

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at March 30, 2007 01:42 PM (wmgz8)


I can't speak for campus life Jason, but I can tell a real story.

I have a cousin, she was a straight book worm dork through and through.  She was an AAE major (I think thats the abbr.) and she graduated very high in her class from Purdue (not at all a bad engineering school, actually I understand it's quite good, better than most ivy's)

Anyways, this cousin, being the "smart" daughter, couldn't drunk dial her mother, cuz that would affect her mothers opinion of her a bit, so she would drunk dial my mother.

This tied up, almost loopy (nice and sociable, but her dorkiness was a little offputing for most) dork bookworm went to university, earned a degree, and still partied.

She wasn't a drunken buffoon, but she still partied, and never did anything insane, she just partied like every other dumb kid, and she still got her degree, and she still makes a healthy 6 a year.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at March 30, 2007 01:54 PM (QTv8u)


Telling that story makes me think of something.

Was the "criminal?" (I call her philanthropist, but one persons masturbatory criminal is pretty much everyone elses philanthropic demonstrator) majoring in Paris and Brittany Studies?

I KNOW there is a college dedicated to that somewhere.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at March 30, 2007 01:57 PM (QTv8u)

49 Dead serious.

Posted by: ArrMatey at March 30, 2007 03:17 PM (Th77e)


This is just sad.  How bad looking do you have to be to not get laid in a frat house full of guys while they all stand around watching you "rough up the suspect"?  

Posted by: slug at March 30, 2007 03:53 PM (gIchD)


Posted by: Amanda Marcotte at March 31, 2007 12:09 PM (uQDzC)


Check out the dude who's seriously freaking in the wide-angle pic.


She was probably masturbating with a loaded revolver.

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