July 31, 2008

How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink
— Ace

I know: It's old.

But I don't mean the P.J. O'Rourke essay. I mean the breaking, real-world news.

Driver abuses speed limit and himself

A TERRITORY man filmed himself speeding at 150km/h while masturbating at the wheel of his drug-laden car, a court heard.

His Holden SV6 was allegedly laden with 5kg of drugs, including two cannabis plants resting on the back seat, the court was told.

Brendon Alan Erhardt, 39, was granted bail so he could marry his girlfriend of six months before he goes to jail.

Prosecutor Sergeant Melinda Edwards said in court the father-of-three told police he "had masturbated while driving'' just before he was stopped for speeding on the 130km/h stretch of the Stuart Hwy.

"(He) also video recorded himself masturbating while travelling at a speed of 150km/h.''

He does have an alibi:


It is alleged that officers found 4.96kg of cannabis hidden in a blue esky in the boot, two cannabis plants on the back seat, two drug pipes and a loaded .22 rifle.

Sgt Edwards said Mr Erhardt was arrested and told officers he had "found'' the drugs at a rest stop 100km north of Coober Pedy -- and he intended to smoke all of it at his Noonamah home.


Mr Erhardt also told police he had used the rifle to shoot "kangaroos from the vehicle whilst driving north''.

He was booked on three charges: Driving While Awesome, Carrying a Lethal Awesome without License, and Possession of Awesome with Intent to Distribute.

Thanks to MattM.

Posted by: Ace at 04:20 PM | Comments (43)
Post contains 283 words, total size 2 kb.

1

I always jack off while driving. What's the problem?

Posted by: Scott at July 31, 2008 04:28 PM (KG/+D)

2

You left out one of the funniest closing lines in news history:

"Mr Erhardt also told police he had used the rifle to shoot "kangaroos from the vehicle whilst driving north''."

Shoot kangaroos?  Whilst?  You can almost see him using a fake British accent and polishing an imaginary monocle as he explains it to the cop. 

Posted by: The Comish (sic) at July 31, 2008 04:35 PM (WZWmk)

3

He was booked on three charges: Driving While Awesome, Reckless Awesome, and Possession of Awesome with Intent to Distribute Greedily Consume. 

Fixed that.

Posted by: TXMarko at July 31, 2008 04:43 PM (oB5Ji)

4 For the metrically-disinclined among you, 150 KPH is about 92 MPH (give or take).

Posted by: Erik The Red at July 31, 2008 04:46 PM (erlfI)

5 A TERRITORY man filmed himself speeding at 150km/h while masturbating at the wheel of his drug-laden car, a court heard.

I don't want to hear any snarky women claiming that 'men can't multitask.'

Posted by: stinky esposito at July 31, 2008 04:46 PM (MMC8r)

6 I always jack off while driving. What's the problem? The speeding, obviously.

Posted by: dorkafork at July 31, 2008 04:53 PM (kErJj)

7 "Mr Erhardt also told police he had used the rifle to shoot "kangaroos from the vehicle whilst driving north''." Are we sure that wasn't just a euphemism?

Posted by: dorkafork at July 31, 2008 04:54 PM (kErJj)

8

I call most other drivers jagoffs. In this case, I'd be correct.

BTW - Hire the guy, if he's that good a multitasking.

Posted by: Roy at July 31, 2008 05:02 PM (YzDag)

9 Are you sure this is cooler than Autobahn Road Head?

Posted by: Joanie at July 31, 2008 05:03 PM (Yyy1m)

10 Eh, now if he was driving a stick shift on winding roads, I'd be impressed.

Posted by: GarandFan at July 31, 2008 05:07 PM (eJ32B)

11 Real life fear and loathing.

Posted by: justin at July 31, 2008 05:41 PM (ZbAXV)

12

First, I'm metronomically disinclined as I hated piano lessons in my youth.   So MPH doesn't really translate to 88 keys now, does it?

Second., you can't drive while masturbating because you are impaired and can't tell if you're coming or going.

Third.  Well, there really isn't a third is there, Master Bates?

Posted by: pistolero at July 31, 2008 05:53 PM (hBUN7)

13

Actually, upon further reflection, the man does have a point about high speed vehicular travel and those pesky kangaroos that terrorize the north of the British Isles, now doesn't he?

Posted by: pistolero at July 31, 2008 05:56 PM (hBUN7)

14
I wasn't there, I didn't do it, you can't prove a thing...

Posted by: thebronze at July 31, 2008 06:12 PM (J72JN)

15 Fucking Aussies, always trying to out-do the senior Dominion, that'd be us, Canada, and same to you Ace for the slow lane comment. When I jagoff I always go to the fast lane and get 'er up to 40, or even 50. Km/hr. That's fats. Ooops, I mean fast. Man I gotta stop reading this blog, it makes me drink.

Posted by: BlacquesJacquesShellacqes at July 31, 2008 06:17 PM (R6NgU)

16

I like to shoot kangaroos in the shower.

Posted by: adolfo_velasquez at July 31, 2008 07:38 PM (OOmB1)

17 Are you sure this is cooler than Autobahn Road Head?

Autobahn Road Head is for amateurs.

Passo Pordoi Road Head is for professionals.

(At least, that's what I hear.  When I did Pordoi it was on a motorcycle, and as PJ points out, road head, or road anything else except perhaps a cramped reacharound, is damn near impossible on one of those.)

Posted by: Alex at July 31, 2008 08:12 PM (wuhz6)

18 Somehow this won't make onto my bucket list.

Posted by: TH at July 31, 2008 08:30 PM (2SWnr)

19 Is he dead?

Too bad.

Because we could have said He died doing what he loved to do.

He died speedin', drinkin', druggin', and fappin'.

Posted by: Bart at July 31, 2008 08:38 PM (EUTgu)

20 I second the motion to elect Mr. Erhardt King of the Ace of Spades!

Posted by: adamthemad at July 31, 2008 08:41 PM (VCQYg)

21 I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome he is.

Posted by: alexthechick at July 31, 2008 08:43 PM (+Y9fx)

22 Yeah, it's not like he was talking on a cell phone.....

Posted by: Unruly Human at July 31, 2008 09:01 PM (ODJ1f)

23 Sgt Edwards said Mr Erhardt was arrested and told officers he had "found'' the drugs at a rest stop 100km north of Coober Pedy -- and he intended to smoke all of it at his Noonamah home.

Have you ever driven in the Outback?  Talk about dull, long, and dreary. Hundreds of kms of straight road. Guy's gotta do something to keep himself occupied.

Coober Pedy?  That explains much.

Posted by: cheshirecat at July 31, 2008 09:02 PM (36D4Z)

24 Big deal.  Drive the 15,5 or 405 in soCal and you see this shit everyday....on the on ramp. 

The only wildlife that gets shot at from the freeway are people.

Posted by: MrsPaulsFishSticks at July 31, 2008 09:27 PM (PBGAP)

25

Maybe in Canada you have to be in the slow lane if you're jacking off.

Mr Erhardt also told police he had used the rifle to shoot "kangaroos from the vehicle whilst driving north''.

If he was shooting kangaroos while driving north through Canada that had to be some really good weed.

Posted by: gebrauchshund at July 31, 2008 09:28 PM (pY77a)

26

No joke.

 

My sister in law had some creep match speeds with her for like a mile or so. When she looked over he had his "Mini Obama" in his hand and it was definitely working the crowd Brittany style.

Posted by: Max Power at July 31, 2008 09:53 PM (ZdsL4)

27 Can a .22 take out a kangaroo? Last I checked at the zoo, those fuckers were huge.

Posted by: eddiebear at July 31, 2008 10:01 PM (7ZgNP)

28 Wasn't this guy one of the characters in Mad Max?

Posted by: Hammer at July 31, 2008 10:15 PM (iq/aE)

29

Lame is word, not awesome.

Shooting Kuala bears with a .45, getting blown by a Thai tranny hooker while snorting coke from the fine ass of Miss Australia 2006 with 100 pounds (what's this kg shit?) of crank in the back seat while posting 120mph, that's awesome.

A wanker with a potted plant in the back seat under a hundred? Who's he marrying, his Ken doll?

Posted by: Spartan Fan at July 31, 2008 10:22 PM (7365r)

30

this reminds me of the time i killed that drifter just to get an erection. i was ridin along hwy 2...........nevermind.

Posted by: spear at July 31, 2008 10:24 PM (lz88p)

31 I thought weed was supposed to mellow you out. Sure he wasn't tripping too?

Posted by: Francase at July 31, 2008 10:24 PM (Fk/Nk)

32 It may have been Australia this time but I think this kid is ready for the big leagues.  Ace should help this guy apply for an immigrant visa.


Posted by: aubrey at July 31, 2008 10:33 PM (P96YG)

33 Yeah it threw me too.  Maybe in Canada you have to be in the slow lane if you're jacking off.  I don't know.  It's a weird country.
Posted by: ace at July 31, 2008 09:30 PM (1WR4H)

What, are you taking geography lessons from Gutfeld?  I can't believe nobody else ripped you on this...

Posted by: Chief Clancy Wiggum at July 31, 2008 11:26 PM (YacaW)

34 Man.  one hundered gees for 5kgs of weed.  In Tucson that small load would only brin $7500.00.  I am shipping my shit to Darwin.

Posted by: MAJ O at August 01, 2008 01:39 AM (TXDGk)

35 Crap. And me without vodka.  "bring"  Sloppy shit.

Posted by: MAJ O at August 01, 2008 01:40 AM (TXDGk)

36 Is it too late to add this guy to McCain's short list for VP?

Talk about adding some spice to the geriatric ticket...

Posted by: Good Lt at August 01, 2008 03:05 AM (jH17H)

37 You never heard about this sort of thing when they had an unrestricted speed limit in the NT.


Posted by: lotocoti at August 01, 2008 03:29 AM (Q6k0D)

38 Heck, I drive 150 km/hr in my mini-van on the way to visit my Mom. I generally don't "Shoot the Kangaroo" whilst driving though.

Posted by: Javems at August 01, 2008 05:41 AM (hq71Y)

39 Oi! Oi! Oi!

Posted by: mojo at August 01, 2008 08:13 AM (g1cNf)

40 What about us and our quest for the egg huh?  No respect.  Closest we ever get is "Spit or Swallow". 

Posted by: Thousands of Dying Sperm at August 01, 2008 10:45 AM (MKxON)

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Posted by: jhkgh at November 26, 2008 10:54 PM (53V9W)

42 There are many online stores having birkenstock shoe on sale, i believe you gonna like it!Yesterday, my friend bought a birkenstock sandals which is so beautiful, i am surprised by the design and style. Do you have a pair of  now? if not, go to online birkenstock storestore and have one, it is so amazing!!!

Posted by: saly sa at April 11, 2011 05:14 AM (jQ3Gm)

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Posted by: Latest information technology at April 16, 2011 12:56 AM (pbW0s)

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