March 29, 2006

Fundamentalist Muslm Dating Meeting Site
— Ace

You can't really "date" in Islam, I guess, but this site provides you with the opportunity to "meet" people you will immediately marry without dating.

Again: I guess.

I don't want to make fun of people's deeply-held and nonmurderous religious beliefs, but some things are just funny. Like, well, having pictures on a "meeting" site for fundamentalist Muslims, where women can't really show what their faces look like.

Like this woman. Seems like a catch:

My username is muslimah123 and I am a 27 years old Female.

I am Single and have No child.

I currently live in the city of phialdelphia, Pennsylvania in United States.

I would be willing to relocate.

I am originally from United States.

I speak the following languages: english, some arabic.

My religion is Islam. I am Very religious.

And her picture?

Now, the thing is, I've dated through the Internet before, I can tell you most people put up fake pictures of themselves, or pictures of themselves from twenty years ago. So I bet that her burka isn't half as satiny or ghostlike as it appears in that photo.

Another woman provides a photo:

She seems like a "party girl" to me. You can pretty much see her entire bridge of her nose here. So put this one in the "Just for fun, not for mom" category.

This woman actually holds up a can of hash in her picture, where you can actually see her face (!), in order to demonstrate her homemaking skills. Her bio:

I am an English major at Adelphi University in New York and I am in the teaching program. I have good domestic skills including cooking, cleaning,sewing, and raising farm animals. I’m an excellent conversationalist, of course only if you want me to be. Very subservient!

Very subservient? Good at cooking, cleaning, and raising farm animals? An excellent conversationalist, but only if I want her to be??!!

Is it too late to convert to Islam?

Thanks to Da Shadow Nose.

Posted by: Ace at 07:48 AM | Comments (85)
Post contains 341 words, total size 2 kb.

1 My username is muslimah123


I guess John316 was already taken?

Posted by: monkeyboy at March 29, 2006 07:55 AM (w4rJE)

2 "My username is geetarfarrah"

Obviously, a member of a hillbilly theme band based on
Charlie's Angels.

Posted by: right at March 29, 2006 08:02 AM (QNf4S)

3 This guy looks like a real catch. Hubba hubba.

(note- he is married.)

Posted by: carin at March 29, 2006 08:06 AM (VRUqn)

4 Cooking, cleaning, and animal husbandry are all fine -- but how is she on firing RPG's and sewing suicide belts?

Posted by: cthulhu at March 29, 2006 08:07 AM (n0mrg)

5 You know, I think I am smitten by Bachelorette #1. There's something about the way she carries herself in that burka...

Posted by: TheShadow at March 29, 2006 08:10 AM (EI+zd)

6 Oh, I am so fucking with this site, for the humor.

Posted by: Spade at March 29, 2006 08:19 AM (uFd/a)

7 First one seems too picky:

I am looking for someone residing in Africa, or Europe, or North America, or South/Central America, or Asia, or Australia/Pacific Islands, or Caribbean.

I mean, what's she got against Antarcticans?

Posted by: Brainster at March 29, 2006 08:27 AM (hEScd)

8 hey, who doesn't love hash?

Posted by: Dave in Texas at March 29, 2006 08:27 AM (dXt72)

9 About geetarfarrah's match:
I am looking for a person between the ages of 18 and 60.
I am looking for someone residing in Africa, or Europe, or North America, or South/Central America, or Asia, or Australia/Pacific Islands, or Caribbean.
Height preferred is between 4'2' (127cm) and 7'0' (213cm).
Weight preferred is between 80 lbs (36kg) and 300 lbs (136kg).

She sounds like she's a little picky. May be a little too high-maintenance for me.

Posted by: wiserbud at March 29, 2006 08:30 AM (AQGeh)

10 timing. everything in life is timing.

Posted by: wiserbud at March 29, 2006 08:31 AM (AQGeh)

11 Dang maybe I should find me a good muslim woman, subservient, good cook? Hot damn!

The problem is the same one Eddie Murphy pointed out in Raw: you can get some girl from Africa with a bone in her nose, but in a few years, she'll be just like every other woman in America, who wants HALF!

I'm being partly facetious here, but suffice it to say that for every complaint women have about modern men, men have one about modern women. And the primary complaint is that women are too independent and willful by half.

Posted by: Canelone at March 29, 2006 08:34 AM (1Vbso)

12 The first one, let's call her Miss Burkha, wants a man between:

Weight preferred is between 80 lbs (36kg) and 300 lbs (136kg).

So, anyone from Tattoo on Fantasy Island to Marlon Brando would do. She's not picky.

Posted by: adolfo velasquez at March 29, 2006 08:35 AM (gfEuu)

13 Carin, that old guy is pretty funny.

Sisters if you are overweight or full figured, I am not interested, thanks.

Okay, Heavy Burka Hotties are right out.

He forgot to include "You must be into weird old geezers.."

Posted by: Carl in N.H. at March 29, 2006 08:35 AM (BK97c)

14 Wiserbud,

With these chicks?, I assume you are talking about the cheap watch taped to the fuse...........for timeing..........

Posted by: Colonel Jerry USMC(ret.) at March 29, 2006 08:35 AM (BJYNn)

15 I like the "must respect me" lines...hahahaha.....riiiight. Fits islam as I know it

Posted by: morning wood at March 29, 2006 08:42 AM (+aNmG)

16 Perhaps Allah (PBUH) was right all along

Posted by: at March 29, 2006 08:49 AM (EI+zd)

17 Carin,

I liked this line from the old guy.

I am a very creative social entrepreneur

Uh huh. I read that as cheap, two bit hustler.

Posted by: The Warden at March 29, 2006 08:50 AM (rkK3q)

18 Nothing in there about female circumcision. Who wants a woman in a burka who is going to enjoy sex?

Posted by: RLS at March 29, 2006 08:51 AM (Lh7Vt)

19
What are the chances that "subservient" doesn't mean "willing to let you tie me up, have threesomes with bisexual women and take me to swingers parties." ?

Posted by: Tugar at March 29, 2006 08:55 AM (3CIqP)

20 Did you check out that first chick's weight?

My height is 5'6' (168cm) and my weight is 200 lbs (91kg).

Keep the burkha on, baby - and give me one too

Posted by: holdfast at March 29, 2006 08:56 AM (Gzb30)

21 Hey, she's prettier than my wife

Posted by: Geet-a-life at March 29, 2006 08:57 AM (AQGeh)

22 You actually care if a woman enjoys sex?
Crazy Westerner.

Posted by: Iblis at March 29, 2006 08:58 AM (9221z)

23 I think hash can lady is looking for a guy, any guy, to marry, and kill for his money.

Posted by: shawn at March 29, 2006 08:59 AM (uLve2)

24 My height is 5'6' (168cm) and my weight is 200 lbs (91kg).

Sounds like a two-burka-er to me!

Posted by: wiserbud at March 29, 2006 09:00 AM (AQGeh)

25 I was giggling so much with the comments that people around me wanted to know what was so funny.

Have to say though, having read lots of male profiles on Western Internet dating sites, if you want humor material, that is the place.

Ace should do a thread on that. The things you see on many male profiles is the best proof that Darwin's evolution theory is just a theory. ;-)


Posted by: alessandra at March 29, 2006 09:01 AM (n/PLG)

26 The first old guy also has a bumpersticker on his cab:

No Fatwa Chicks!

Posted by: wiserbud at March 29, 2006 09:02 AM (AQGeh)

27 Cooking, cleaning, and animal husbandry are all fine -- but how is she on firing RPG's and sewing suicide belts?

And by that you don't mean Role Playing Games, right?

Posted by: Canelone at March 29, 2006 09:03 AM (1Vbso)

28 You actually care if a woman enjoys sex?

Women are supposed to enjoy sex???

Posted by: bbeck at March 29, 2006 09:04 AM (qF8q3)

29 Women are supposed to enjoy sex???

{snicker} Yeah, right. Women enjoy sex. Good one. {guffaw}

Posted by: wiserbud at March 29, 2006 09:07 AM (AQGeh)

30 You realize we can create and post profiles on their website for free, don't you? Anyone game?

Posted by: shawn at March 29, 2006 09:10 AM (uLve2)

31 They should include a space for "I am currently incarcerated."

Posted by: spongeworthy at March 29, 2006 09:10 AM (uSomN)

32 I can attest to the fact that I have never personally been with a woman who has enjoyed sex. Therefore, none of them do, right? Right?

Posted by: TheShadow at March 29, 2006 09:11 AM (EI+zd)

33 animal husbandry

Why do I have the strange feeling that this doesn't mean the same thing there as it does here?

Posted by: wiserbud at March 29, 2006 09:11 AM (AQGeh)

34 I can attest to the fact that I have never personally been with a woman who has enjoyed sex. Therefore, none of them do, right? Right?

Hubby is that you?

Posted by: bbeck at March 29, 2006 09:17 AM (qF8q3)

35 Me either! But dogs are a man's best friend.

Posted by: Mike at March 29, 2006 09:21 AM (1Vbso)

36 You realize we can create and post profiles on their website for free, don't you? Anyone game?

We could use this as the picture. Guaranteed hits!

Posted by: wiserbud at March 29, 2006 09:24 AM (AQGeh)

37 Women are supposed to enjoy sex???

How exactly would we know they were enjoying it?

Posted by: Dave in Texas at March 29, 2006 09:34 AM (pzen5)

38 Personally, I find the can of hash extremely enticing. The woman's a marketing genuis.

Posted by: shawn at March 29, 2006 09:36 AM (uLve2)

39 You realize we can create and post profiles on their website for free, don't you? Anyone game?

We should put in a profile for that Minnesota vampire guy - what was his name? Jonathon Sharkey?

Posted by: geoff at March 29, 2006 09:37 AM (nH1Ad)

40 Women are supposed to enjoy sex???

How exactly would we know they were enjoying it?

Posted by: Dave in Texas
==================
If your wife isn't snoring, that might just give you a hint.

Posted by: alessandra at March 29, 2006 09:41 AM (n/PLG)

41 If your wife isn't snoring, that might just give you a hint.

Like she'd ever say "yes" if she was awake...

Posted by: geoff at March 29, 2006 09:45 AM (nH1Ad)

42 Well, heck. I read a book recently that at one point said that basically men give love for sex, and women give sex for love (Orbit by John J. Nance, good book) ... since I enjoy both love and sex, I don't reckon it would be a good to advertise for a date on the Muslim site. Or here, for that matter!

That'll make by boyfriend happy.

Posted by: BrendaK at March 29, 2006 09:51 AM (fj0HX)

43 Geoff - that's so sad. If she loved you, she would at least pretend.

OH, yes! yes ! YES!!!!

Posted by: carin at March 29, 2006 09:52 AM (8ycBy)

44 There you go- from the . From the profile of Mr. "Less Mercury, More Salmon" - in plentyoffish.com (dig the name of the site, it's to give us singles hope)

Posses great wealth, world class looks, outstanding humanitarian, kind to everyone, highly educated and. . .just perfect, probably like every guy on POF, right? And I've never been convicted of a felon.

Posted by: alessandra at March 29, 2006 09:53 AM (n/PLG)

45 Interesting comment thread on the difference between the western and middle eastern mind sets over at Bill Roggio's. Mark T. on that thread says:Iraq is a shame/honor culture. The West once was, too, but we've slowly changed to a more "guilt/lawfullness" model of social control. In a shame/honor culture, appearances count for everything. You have to be very careful how you treat people, including how you treat what they say. You can't just haul off and call somebody a liar in public, merely because you *suspect* they are lying. Instead, when they feed you some cockamamie story, you say "Is that so! Why that's *terrible!* We shall get to the bottom of this at once!" Then (if you're wise) you let someone else disclose the facts in such a way that they are hard to deny. The liar is exposed, but you haven't smacked him down. Just his bad luck, or the bad advice given him by some minor (disposable) player. Just an honest mistake -- cold have happened to anyone. ... Interesting followup comments as well.

Posted by: geoff at March 29, 2006 09:56 AM (nH1Ad)

46 From Mr. "Looking to fill a void" (same site)

Looking to fill a void in the bedroom. Can you help? Discrete. No games. Healthy.
====================

How about expanding your closet? LOL

Posted by: alessandra at March 29, 2006 09:57 AM (n/PLG)

47 gqdent75: Great teeth is a bonus

================
In his prenupt agreement, it will state, "if I ever find out after the marriage that she was really a horse in disguise, it's over."

Posted by: alessandra at March 29, 2006 10:01 AM (n/PLG)

48 Cold hands, warm heart
What are you waiting for?? I am looking for a real woman.
==================
Sorry dude, major handicap right there. Cold hands are the worst. And wearing mittens simply won't do.

Posted by: alessandra at March 29, 2006 10:05 AM (n/PLG)

49 LOOKING FOR YOU
Hi my name is Cliff I live on a farm with 140 cattle 2 horses and 2 dog's I Like cookouts,camping fast cars and wild wemman.
====================

Hey, it's Amish!!!! (in disguise) LOL

Posted by: alessandra at March 29, 2006 10:09 AM (n/PLG)

50 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Posted by: Groucho Marx at March 29, 2006 10:09 AM (pzen5)

51 Alessandra -

Check out BostonFootTickler.

Uhm, no. Just no. I'm getting the not-fun-kind of shivers at his concept of 'date two'. And date one is right off, too.

Posted by: BrendaK at March 29, 2006 10:15 AM (fj0HX)

52 Man, Ethnicity European, Height6' 4" (193 cm), Age30

"But as I said I am not interested in dating that much, I already have enough women in my life to do that if I ever become desperate. I am interested in finding a pretty woman that can formulate her thoughts at the same time for talking or emailing. They seem to be a minority at this part of the world."
=====================

Hey Ace, are you up to it? (LOL - teasing ;-)

(I liked the "at the same time")

Posted by: alessandra at March 29, 2006 10:16 AM (n/PLG)

53 I can't believe Hash-girl allowed herself to be photographed without a veil. What a filthy whore.

Posted by: Sobek at March 29, 2006 10:18 AM (6GK9U)

54 Bicycle Stud should advertise, he's got it goin on!

Posted by: Canelone at March 29, 2006 10:22 AM (1Vbso)

55 I LIKE NINJA TURTLES
MY MOM SAID I HAVE TO GET A GIRLFRIEND AND GET OUT OF HER HOUSE. NO FAT CHICKS EITHER!

Profession I CLEAN MY ROOM
======================
DOGH (dying of giggles here)

Posted by: alessandra at March 29, 2006 10:27 AM (n/PLG)

56 Come on, the first one's obviously a dude. I mean, look at that bulge in the burkha!

Posted by: Master Shake at March 29, 2006 10:30 AM (VmtE9)

57 Come on, the first one's obviously a dude. I mean, look at that bulge in the burkha!
==================
A star to be born in the new and upcoming: Muslim Transexual Brokeback Mountain!

Posted by: alessandra at March 29, 2006 10:38 AM (n/PLG)

58 Cold hands, warm heart

It's fun to warm up cold hands.

Posted by: kevlarchick at March 29, 2006 11:11 AM (bWRxm)

59 Cold hands, warm heart

Then chop them off. They are an affront to Allah!

Posted by: Master Shake at March 29, 2006 11:19 AM (VmtE9)

60 Man, if you're looking to fill a void in the bedroom, your wife needs to do some Kegels.

Posted by: bbeck at March 29, 2006 11:39 AM (qF8q3)

61 Hey, cutearab is pretty hot. And Amaal looks exactly like a slightly pudgy Catherine Zeta Jones, but still hot.

I'm really surprised at some of the women's pictures on this site. Imagine you are a strict fundamental Islamist and you hit this site looking for the type of woman who are wrapped up in their burkhas, and you come across some of the other pics, like cutearab's. Wouldn't you:

a) call for a jihad against this site and those who operate it

and

b) want absolutely nothing to do with the other, more "demure" women who also posted there, as they have (somehow) consorted with whores and blasphemers?

My, my, my. What a conundrum, huh?

Posted by: wiserbud at March 29, 2006 11:48 AM (AQGeh)

62 Don't let em get carried away though. Frank Zappa wrote a song about it, goes something like this:

My baby’s got
Jones crushin’ love
Jones crushin’ love
Jones crushin’ love
Well my baby’s got
Jones crushin’ love
Jones crushin’ love
Jones crushin’ love
She don’t merely fit like a glove
That little girl’s got the jones
That little girl’s got the jones
That little girl’s got the jones

She’s tryin’ to
Grind up my jones
Grind up my jones
Grind up my jones
Well, she’s tryin’ to
Grind up my jones
Grind up my jones
Grind up my jones
She don’t never wanna leave it alone
She can push; she can shove
Till it’s just a nub
She can push; she can shove
Till it’s just a nub
Just a nub
Just a nub

Here she comes
With her red dress on
Steam shoots out
from the sprinklers on the lawn
The eyes be rollin’
On the concrete fawn
The wind can’t blow
’cause the sky is gone
The wind can’t blow
’cause the sky is gone
The wind can’t blow
’cause the sky is gone
Jones crusher, jones crusher
Deadly jaws, better get the gauze
She’s a jones crusher, jones crusher
Deadly jaws, better get the gauze... (etc ad lib)

Posted by: Canelone at March 29, 2006 11:49 AM (1Vbso)

63 Did anyone notice that Milke snuck in a comment? Is our boy beginning to crack a little?

I'm sure the date site was not news to him.

Posted by: Pixelflash at March 29, 2006 11:58 AM (O+1/6)

64 "I'll take the one behind Burka #3, Monty."

Posted by: someone2 at March 29, 2006 12:08 PM (DkA18)

65 This guy looks like a real catch. Hubba hubba.

(note- he is married.)

Posted by carin at March 29, 2006 01:06 PM


He says this...

"Sisters if you are overweight or full figured, I am not interested, thanks."

I don't think he means the 'thanks'.

Posted by: Pixelflash at March 29, 2006 12:08 PM (O+1/6)

66 I'm trying to decide if the hash lady's ad is serious or a joke.

I’m an excellent conversationalist, of course only if you want me to be. Very subservient! ACT NOW!

Joke or not, she's almost certainly lying -- she says she's a 20 year old English major but claims that her education level is "Bachelor degree". I guess she could be in grad school, but I doubt it.

Posted by: pbrown at March 29, 2006 12:23 PM (jcdqE)

67 Canelone, did you type that in from memory, or was it a cut n' paste job?

Posted by: OregonMuse at March 29, 2006 12:48 PM (H027d)

68 'Now, of these three girls under the burka,s one of them is Jessica Simpson, the others are Helen Thomas and Hillary Clinton. Soooo, Do you want Burka #1, Burka #2, or Burka #3?'

Do you feel lucky?

Cooking, cleaning....is that islamic euphamisms like 'big boned' really means fat?

Maybe subserviant really means 'loves to saw the heads off of captured civilians'.

Hash...was that opium hash from Afghanastan? May she connected.

Posted by: Viking at March 29, 2006 01:38 PM (gXzaY)

69 Cut and paste. And speaking of Hash, I think a lot of that and benzadrine were involved in the writing of that song.

Posted by: Canelone at March 29, 2006 01:44 PM (1Vbso)

70 Deadly Jaws indeed. If you're packing a lot of meat, a really tight woman can be very uncomfortable. There's such a thing as too much of a good thing...

Posted by: Hung Like a Pringles Can at March 29, 2006 03:57 PM (1Vbso)

71 Alright, which one of you is Falafelroflz?

Posted by: Mike Superior at March 29, 2006 04:07 PM (K8G/M)

72 I was mighty offended by the lack of any option to identify oneself as gay or any "man seeking man" option in the search engine. It's just the principle of the thing, you know, not that it really matters. I mean, the men with photos are mostly butt-ugly. I mean, I would take "highvoltage" in a pinch, and I would gladly pinch "romeo," but the rest of the ones I saw can strap on some dynamite, as far as I'm concerned.

Still, the site should at least provide the M4M option. It's just not right to treat gay muslims as second-class citizens. How could a loving Allah want his people to behave that way? It's gobsmackingly vile.

Posted by: Jacarutu at March 29, 2006 05:48 PM (gHR/6)

73
So I am guessing that my ad:

Bodacious Flirt.....hey wanna see my rack? Would mean I'd living with mom and dad for a few years....hash or no hash!

But I bet any potential father-in-laws would have book marked my ad

LOL!!!!

Posted by: bodaciousflirt at March 29, 2006 06:32 PM (HEjoD)

74 Maybe it is time to add Ace of Spades lifestyle bike dude to the site.

Posted by: Mike Superior at March 29, 2006 07:21 PM (K8G/M)

75 Sisters if you are overweight or full figured, I am not interested, thanks.

...or older than 12.

Posted by: cheshirecat at March 29, 2006 07:54 PM (mpVkh)

76 I am a social entrepreneur currently in NO helping with the Katrina cleanup.

Notice it doesn't say helping the victims.
Translation - In no time at all I'll be selling slightly used furniture on the roadside.

Posted by: The Real Steve at March 30, 2006 02:05 AM (n0lBX)

77 I am Marklar looking for Marklar

Posted by: Joe Mama at March 30, 2006 07:02 AM (5WEQS)

78 A hottie. If you can just get over that aversion to pork thing.

Posted by: Joe Mama at March 30, 2006 07:07 AM (5WEQS)

79 Joe Mama,

heh, you said "pork."

I'm don't want to deny anyone their freedom to practice whatever religion they want,but how does this woman end up as a Muslim? What, is she a CIA undercover operative? Or completely out of her mind?

Posted by: wiserbud at March 30, 2006 07:15 AM (AQGeh)

80 Ace,

The "Hash Girl's" ad is a joke.

Really.

It's almost as if you lost your sense of humor.

The other two, well, to each his own.

Just don't blow up my neighborhood, or anyone else's 'cause you demand that yours is mine.

Nope.

Not.Gonna'.Work.

...

But the "Hash Girl" ad is a joke.

Just Sayin'.

Posted by: MTT at March 30, 2006 08:23 AM (bhpUz)

81 I got my hash pipe

Posted by: the dude from Weezer at March 30, 2006 08:33 AM (/0Qyy)

82 I'd pork that Hash can girl...

Posted by: at March 30, 2006 11:49 AM (1Vbso)

83 I love Hash Can Girl. We need some guys to drap a towel over their heads, hold up some can goods, and post your pixs and ads over there. I bet you will find hot moslem men interested in marrying you.

Posted by: shawn at March 30, 2006 12:02 PM (uLve2)

84 I think Hash Can Girl should be a regular part of Ace. She can be in the hall of fame with the talking sammich and cowbell. Then put to death for shamelessly showing her face like a prostitute.

Posted by: Canelone at March 30, 2006 02:39 PM (1Vbso)

85 USSANEWS.com da bomb diggity yo

Posted by: mamajug at March 25, 2010 06:19 PM (YG/il)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Comments are disabled. Post is locked.
106kb generated in CPU 0.09, elapsed 1.1787 seconds.
62 queries taking 1.1144 seconds, 321 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.