February 29, 2008

For Dorks Only
— Ace

Everyone else please skip this post and pretend you never saw it. Seriously. There are some things you don't need to know. Okay, I tried to hide this in the sidebar but guess you gotta dance proudly with the girl that brought you.

Here's a review of the 4th Edition of D&D, from Ain't It Cool News.

According to this review it's, um, good. Like, Cheez Wiz and BaconBits good. That fucking good.

I would quote from the review but... I would like to have sex with a woman again at some point in my life. So far I've only had sex a couple of times but I'd really like to do it again 3d8+5 times.

Thanks to ellis.*

* "ellis" does not exist. This is an entirely fake hat tip to an entirely fake person to disguise the fact I found this link on my own.

Posted by: Ace at 11:07 AM | Comments (61)
Post contains 153 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Ace:

You found something on your own? What gives? Running low on vodka?

Posted by: eddiebear at February 29, 2008 11:09 AM (wnU1W)

2 actually, a reader on my google-chat list tipped me, inadvertently.. his status line said he was busy reading reviews of the game.  I'll withhold his identity but I guess he's "out and proud."

Posted by: ace at February 29, 2008 11:12 AM (SXBHu)

3 Wow, their up to Fourth Edition, i must have been out of it. I remember 2nd edition, but that was a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

Posted by: Penfold at February 29, 2008 11:13 AM (lF2Kk)

4
So, when are you going to go buy it? Frankly, if it keeps one from having sex with women, it's gay.

Posted by: Rinnie at February 29, 2008 11:15 AM (nOMTh)

5 Ace probably has D&D bookmarked, favorited and saved as his homepage.

Posted by: Robert at February 29, 2008 11:18 AM (MI4/O)

6

So far I've only had sex a couple of times

Liar.

I doubt you could pick out a vagina in a police lineup beside a mop and donut.

Posted by: natesnake at February 29, 2008 11:18 AM (YcXTT)

7 Rinnie, from my understanding it is not so much as it keeps one from having sex with a woman as having pretty much any knowledge of it is one of the most potent female repellents out there. Think anti-aphrodisiac.

Posted by: mbruce at February 29, 2008 11:21 AM (CxNJy)

8 4:

Football keeps my wife from being around me. Does that make it gay?

Posted by: eddiebear at February 29, 2008 11:21 AM (wnU1W)

9 Lightning bolt!  Lightning bolt!

Posted by: Z Ryan at February 29, 2008 11:23 AM (PDeVA)

10

I doubt you could pick out a vagina in a police lineup beside a mop and donut.

Pick the donut, Ace.  Has a hole, and tastes good.

Posted by: Rocketeer at February 29, 2008 11:24 AM (fN7ju)

11

A couple friends in highschool tried to get me into roll playing games.  Nice guys, but the non-alcoholic beer, sword collection, and constant quoting of Highlander was a bit of a turn off.  I preferred chasing tail.

On the bright side, they both have excellent jobs and managed to find women who would have sex with them.  They have children to prove it.

Posted by: natesnake at February 29, 2008 11:24 AM (YcXTT)

12 Blah. Everything I've seen about 4ed is that it's basically World of Warcraft with the Wizards of the Coast label slapped on it. Everyone, everywhere has "kewl powrz!!!11!1" and they've banished a couple of the core races bacause they just weren't beloved by the munchkins.

Posted by: Jimmie at February 29, 2008 11:27 AM (bofTB)

13 My gaming group has four girls in it.  Dorky girls, admittedly, but real girls, with tits and everything.

Posted by: Mrs L at February 29, 2008 11:27 AM (bj4uJ)

14 I'm still a little grouchy about the new version it since I am a fan of 3.5 (or was, back in college when I actually had time and some friends to play with). 4.0 will only be important to me if I ever manage to get a gaming group together out here in L.A.

Posted by: Gabriel at February 29, 2008 11:28 AM (x9qY0)

15 Poseurs.

I actually play D20. In fact, we started a Star Wars campaign this week, which I had never played before, and it really rocked. It was complex and confusing, but it was a helluva lotta fun.

Posted by: Ken McCracken at February 29, 2008 11:29 AM (6g1gX)

16

but I nailed 3 of the 5 women I played with.

During the heat and confusion of battle?

Posted by: natesnake at February 29, 2008 11:30 AM (YcXTT)

17 I don't know if I like this, we all know D&D is Satan's game.

Posted by: tunakermit at February 29, 2008 11:32 AM (f97Hn)

18

Some dorks are a little bit hot. 

Some

Posted by: kevlarchick at February 29, 2008 11:34 AM (TNuqz)

19 My only exposure to anything D&D was passing by the case of 12-sided die on my way to the Shrinky Dinks aisle as a kid.  The really cool kids baked plasticy Smurf cut-outs in an oven, you dorks!

Posted by: Joanie at February 29, 2008 11:35 AM (Z9tCp)

20

My gaming group has four girls in it.  Dorky girls, admittedly, but real girls, with tits and everything.

Oh, sure.  I totally believe you, "Mrs L."  And what is this place that you speak of called?  Brigadoon?  Shangri-La?

Whatever.

Liar.

Posted by: Rocketeer at February 29, 2008 11:36 AM (fN7ju)

21 Four girls of extremely limited sexual experience who would have no idea how bad a lover I am, plus they'd probably be turned on halfway to orgasm by my 7 foot tall Chewbacca statue... Heaven.

Posted by: ace at February 29, 2008 11:42 AM (SXBHu)

22 For Dorks Only ... Everyone else ....

Who exactly is this "everyone else" supposed to be?  The vast army of non-dork AoSHQ regulars out there?   They sound about as real as these hot-yet-dorky-D&D-playing-chicks-who-put-out that I keep hearing about. 


Posted by: Phinn at February 29, 2008 11:42 AM (NLtoU)

23

"Luckiest friggin D100 rolls EVAH!!"

Dork Girl:  Riiiight.  You're totally screwed now.  There's nooo way you're going to make that roll.  I tell you what, if you hit this roll,... I'll show you my vagina.  Better yet, I'll let you touch my vagina.

Dork Guy:  *rolls dice, dice spin, dice stop, looks at Dork Girl with big smile*

Dork Girl:  Shit.

Dork Guy:  This is going to be more awesome than a Battlestar Gallactica marathon! *takes retainer out*


 

Posted by: natesnake at February 29, 2008 11:46 AM (YcXTT)

24 I have come to terms with my inner geek and my soul has been healed.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at February 29, 2008 11:47 AM (O9Cc8)

25 I never played D&D. I stopped at my 8Bit NES in 1990.

Posted by: eddiebear at February 29, 2008 11:47 AM (wnU1W)

26

Jesus H Christ.

I followed that link out of sheer curiosity but only made it through 3 PgDns before my penis burst out of my pants and closed my browser.  He's strongly in favor of continued sexual relations with my wife.

Posted by: Spaz at February 29, 2008 11:49 AM (W4J3D)

27 Dorky chicks with specs and hot bods rule. Oh yeah they do. From my experience the least likely place to find any of these mysterious babes is any place where guys who play war games with the little soldiers congregate. Never seen a female there for more than a sec, after they see who is around the tables they bolt like no tomorrow.

Posted by: mbruce at February 29, 2008 11:49 AM (CxNJy)

28 I'm more interested in Champions Online MMOG and Hero System 6th edition, to be honest.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at February 29, 2008 11:59 AM (3+3kx)

29

* "ellis" does not exist. This is an entirely fake hat tip to an entirely fake person to disguise the fact I found this link on my own.

Yea we knew that.  We maybe morons but we are not that fucking stupid.

Posted by: AndrewsDad at February 29, 2008 12:03 PM (0vPmd)

30 If you liked D&D in the 80s then this "D&D" doesn't resemble it in the slightest.  Don't go looking to WOTC for a nostalgia fix, because it ain't happening there.


While this reviewer gets his jollies pissing on tradition, I think it's uber-freaking-stupid to play a video game using pen and paper.

Posted by: grognard at February 29, 2008 12:04 PM (XiVKO)

31

The new version sounds kind of gay.

The reviewer contradicts himself, insisting 'it hasn't been dumbed down to be more broadly appealing' and then stating that his wife, who can't be bothered to real the rulebook and normally has no idea what the hell she's doing, is now confidently and boldly kicking ass.

He also complains about the confusion caused by...counting.

I dunno...

Posted by: Entropy at February 29, 2008 12:18 PM (m6c4H)

32

If it's adapted traits from WoW and EQ, it sucks.

I hate these MMORPGs. There's also a reason why they're far more popular then the oldschool D&D or MUDs.

I miss text based MUDs. They were way better then all these MMO's these days.

Posted by: Entropy at February 29, 2008 12:20 PM (m6c4H)

33 D&D 4 from everything I've seen sounds a lot like the MMORPG reduced to a pen-and-paper system for the sake of WotC making some bank.  I'm with Christopher Taylor in being more enthused about the Champions MMORPG coming up.  I wanted to like City of Heroes, but I found it disappointing.  As far as other tabletop systems go, I'm a big fan of d20 and really like Mutants and Masterminds.

I've had sex, I swear.  With women.  And not all of them were ugly.

Posted by: leoncaruthers at February 29, 2008 12:28 PM (7iTO9)

34 The original books are available for pennies on eBay and through Amazon Marketplace.

By the time you buy the three books WotC will require, plus a battlemat and figures (as these will be required), you're talking an investment of well over $100 to play a video game using pen, paper, and dice.

The classic version has a lot going for it, despite its geekiness.  For one, just reading the books expands one's vocabulary. Playing it as intended developed critical thinking and problem solving skills, not to mention being a healthier mental exercise than staring at a TV all day long.

The new version simply caters to those who hated D&D back then because it was too hard.  Instead of appreciating the game for what it was, they corrupted it for the least common denominator.  They made it more like insipid Anime TV, more like WoW than Robert E. Howard or Fritz Leiber.

Kind of like the public school system.

Posted by: grognard at February 29, 2008 12:58 PM (kZVsz)

35 I think it's uber-freaking-stupid to play a video game using pen and paper.

I agree, you shouldn't try to duplicate video games. There's no depth, role playing, or flexibility in them. It's like playing a game based on a 30 second commercial, without the video and sound it's stripped down to the boring essence.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at February 29, 2008 12:58 PM (3+3kx)

36 "Football keeps my wife from being around me. Does that make it gay?"

There *is* an awfully high degree of ass-patting on the field ...

Posted by: Knemon at February 29, 2008 01:28 PM (qA5Oz)

37 "The reviewer contradicts himself, insisting 'it hasn't been dumbed down to be more broadly appealing' and then stating that his wife, who can't be bothered to real the rulebook and normally has no idea what the hell she's doing, is now confidently and boldly kicking ass."

Yup.  The WoW-ification of the system seems complete... and he thinks that's a good thing.

Posted by: someone at February 29, 2008 01:29 PM (2z2WN)

38
So, like, is there strip D&D?

Posted by: Rinnie at February 29, 2008 01:33 PM (GuQpe)

39 Damn grognards and your boring-ass systems.

Posted by: OHNOES at February 29, 2008 01:42 PM (kFKoW)

40
Played the module "Keep on the Borderlands" in 1981 with my neighborhood buddies.   My dad was the Dungeon Master.

Very solid good times.

Posted by: Electric Ferret at February 29, 2008 01:52 PM (OhXwN)

41

 They made it more like insipid Anime TV

What the hell is Anime TV?

Anime is not insipid...

Posted by: Entropy at February 29, 2008 02:10 PM (HgAV0)

42 Well not by definition, but the bulk of it is.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at February 29, 2008 02:11 PM (3+3kx)

43 D&D is about involving a group in a shared story. The rules are important but they should never get in the way of a good time. If they are confusing, or time-consuming, or work in such a way that certain players (the thief, the mage) can't do anything for hours - then the rules have failed.

2E and 3.5E did not add enough to the system to justify a new release. 3E on the other hand was awesome. So, I hope these guys are right that 4E is an improvement...

Posted by: David Ross at February 29, 2008 03:03 PM (2H+2H)

44 Brave New World, Dorky New World, Creepy New World, I don't get it. I'm lost from word one. Past my due date. Stale goods. Old. Irrelevant. Outahere.

Posted by: ricpic at February 29, 2008 03:05 PM (o03rx)

45 Ahem.  My pride prevents me from arguing with you grognard morons.

But, you are grognard morons.

If we could do this in private, I would explain to you douchetools how you're mostly wrong.  Mostly.  The game's still gay and crap but it's not as gay and crap as previous editions.

Alas I have to hide behind a sockpuppet name and I cannot possibly engage you idiots in this publicly.


Posted by: ellis wilson ellensberg at February 29, 2008 03:41 PM (SXBHu)

46 What have I become?

Ah, well.  Let's face it, I didn't exactly start at the top of the mountain either.

Posted by: ellis wilson ellensberg at February 29, 2008 03:50 PM (SXBHu)

47

I doubt you could pick out a vagina in a police lineup beside a mop and donut.

Posted by: natesnake at February 29, 2008 04:18 PM (YcXTT)

Damn that is FUNNY!!.

Posted by: RFA at February 29, 2008 04:21 PM (SI1K/)

48 Just remember - dorkiness is in the eye of the beholder.
[Saving roll vs. flesh to stone]

Posted by: Charybdis E. Scylla at February 29, 2008 04:28 PM (8L5F5)

49 Someone blow on the percentile die for luck and we'll see if we can't get this poor guy laid.

Posted by: dragonlady474 at February 29, 2008 05:38 PM (E3XtI)

50 BTW, not all D&D gamers are geeks.  I'm a former Dungeon Master AND I used to sing in a metal band.  I could put on lipstick, castrate a lizard man and break a wine glass with a high note at the same time.  Bitches.

Posted by: dragonlady474 at February 29, 2008 05:42 PM (E3XtI)

51 No thread is complete without music

Posted by: wiserbud at February 29, 2008 09:07 PM (EW49d)

52 Dorky girls, admittedly, but real girls, with tits and everything.

Dork girls are hot.

I'll be in my bunk.

Posted by: Xoxotl at February 29, 2008 09:15 PM (TbnX8)

53 Geek Girls are hot, the cute ones at least. A gamer girl presents problems though; she'll want to hog the system and play WoW.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at March 01, 2008 06:36 AM (3+3kx)

54 Bottom of the thread?  No tentacle porn here?  Bah!

Posted by: Stoop Davy Dave at March 01, 2008 06:48 AM (8xWCA)

55 BTW, not all D&D gamers are geeks.

That may be the funniest piece of denial I've read in years.

So ... people actually still play this? On paper? Since 1982?

And some of them still think they aren't geeks?

Fascinating.

Posted by: P at March 01, 2008 04:15 PM (6s9um)

56 Naturally, being a commenter on an internet moron blog, you'd be the expert on geeks.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at March 01, 2008 04:45 PM (3+3kx)

57 Still can't figure out the damn hyperlink system, so here:

http://www.epsilonminus.com/darquedungeon/

D&D isn't Satan's Game, Vampire the Masquerade is.

BTW on the 1d20 random gamer encounter table, the smokin' hot gamer chick who is single and has no personality problems is encountered on a roll of 21.

Posted by: Glen at March 01, 2008 10:45 PM (P0yFq)

58 BTW on the 1d20 random gamer encounter table, the smokin' hot gamer chick who is single and has no personality problems is encountered on a roll of 21.

The words "smokin' hot gamer" were superfluous to that statement.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at March 02, 2008 06:38 PM (3+3kx)

59 #45:

"If they are confusing, or time-consuming, or work in such a way that certain players (the thief, the mage) can't do anything for hours - then the rules have failed."

This is complete irony.  I watched a group of Necromancer Games guys playing a 3E game at Gen Con a few years back, and it took them more than one hour to get through only a few rounds of combat.  There were few distractions, these guys were all business.  The game is a monotonous bunch of number crunching crap. 3E was not an improvement in this regard.

"3E on the other hand was awesome."

My experience is that this only applies to those that hated D&D in the first place.

Posted by: grognard at March 03, 2008 06:36 AM (sPO/s)

60 I am not sure what to say on this,but i want to say its great love to see more comments here,really nice topic to discuss topic discussed is really nice and surely i will contribute hear.

Posted by: penny auctions at July 02, 2011 08:52 AM (fmJs0)

61 interesting post. sometimes its good to share one's random thoughts.

Posted by: blue lizard sunscreen at October 13, 2011 09:33 PM (/aKtv)

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