January 30, 2007

Don't Click
— Ace

Seriously, don't.

I'm warning you.

Don't even go down under the jump.

Stop.

Please stop.

You're... taking me apart.

Dr. Chandra taught me a song, would you like to hear it?

Don't click.


Yes, that's Margaret Fucking Cho, singing about her nasty she-junk.

No thanks at all to Justin.

Posted by: Ace at 06:57 PM | Comments (88)
Post contains 53 words, total size 1 kb.

1 There are just no words for that abomination of a video. I'm totally freaked out

Posted by: galt at January 30, 2007 07:03 PM (JQZK/)

2 You can't spell Cho without the Ho.

Posted by: Sticky B at January 30, 2007 07:05 PM (wkjFE)

3 Ok I was warned. I think I'm going to be sick.

Posted by: joan at January 30, 2007 07:05 PM (eN8y0)

4 Great. Now I have to go kill myself. Thanks, Ace.

Posted by: cranky-d at January 30, 2007 07:12 PM (1O9mK)

5 rare I say anything on this site but umm ..thank you for this Video I now love my wife

Posted by: caveman at January 30, 2007 07:16 PM (D4qTZ)

6

Ace, Hitting the Value Rite Vodka a little early? as they say in canada, eh.  Cause these ugly scag ho's are obviously from somewhere in Canada.


Got to go a puke.  I hope I can get that ching bitch with the bad hair out of my mind if I puke a couple of times.


Did the spam bots take over and post this shit while you were drinking?


Kemp


 


Posted by: kempermanx at January 30, 2007 07:20 PM (Wc54u)

7 I have seen things you people would not believe. I've seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I've seen C-Beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. When I'm gone, all those moments will be lost...like tears in rain.

Time to die.

Posted by: Monty at January 30, 2007 07:24 PM (7Iqke)

8 Good Sweet Saint Gobsmack!

There is a level of Hell waiting for you, buddy.

And they don't allow Value-Rite

Posted by: TC@LeatherPenguin at January 30, 2007 07:24 PM (roWez)

9 May you be reincarnated as a Klingon toilet.

For sure that dog is dead. Those were Cho bubbles.

Posted by: eman at January 30, 2007 07:25 PM (FWrFx)

10 I'd hit it.

Posted by: magnetism87 at January 30, 2007 07:28 PM (nguKa)

11 Ace, you want to know how fucking evil that video was? I'm using my Mac laptop, and like an idiot I start the video. Quickly, to save my sanity, I click the window's close button...and nothing happens. The awful awful music keeps playing: my puss...my puss...my puss... Shrieking with agony, I try to kill the app. The web browser disappears, the screen goes blank...but the hideous song continues! My puss...my puss...my puss...

I finally had to reboot the damned thing.

May you rot in hell, Sir.

Posted by: Monty at January 30, 2007 07:29 PM (7Iqke)

12 no words can describe the horror

Posted by: craig at January 30, 2007 07:30 PM (1grIT)

13 I'd hit it.

Posted by: anyportinastorm at January 30, 2007 07:30 PM (4B8vy)

14 I couldn't watch more than ten seconds of it.

Up until now, I thought this was the saddest thing I've seen all day.

Posted by: Bart at January 30, 2007 07:31 PM (ujOqi)

15 So would Margaret Cho go down on Rosie O'Donnell or would Rosie go down on Cho?

Posted by: Allen at January 30, 2007 07:32 PM (RBmhU)

16 Monty,
You're old enough to remember blade runner? Classic movie. I think Rutger Hauer/Roy couldnt have handled that Cho video.

Posted by: Galt at January 30, 2007 07:36 PM (JQZK/)

17 Galt:

Blade Runner is probably one of my five favorite movies of all time. I'm also one of the few that actually read the book it was based on, Philiip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep? It's a pity Ridley Scott lost his sci-fi mojo after Alien and Blade Runner; he did the crummy Legend and then just gave up on the genre (although I always thought the Tim Curry demon in that film was superb).

Posted by: Monty at January 30, 2007 07:39 PM (7Iqke)

18 I read the book too. Weird shit.

Posted by: ace at January 30, 2007 07:41 PM (4qddO)

19 I liked the whole multi-cultural dykeness of the video. The blonde with sunglasses and red flannel is the perfect example of a UW-Madison lesbian. Anyone recognize the other types?

Posted by: Allen at January 30, 2007 07:42 PM (RBmhU)

20 Wow. I haven't seen a picture of Margaret Cho in years.

She's aged as well as a gallon of milk left in the trunk of a car.

Posted by: adolfo_velasquez at January 30, 2007 07:42 PM (qZ40r)

21 Steven Segal is ... Clawing His Eyes Out


Posted by: JayC at January 30, 2007 07:43 PM (hISkR)

22 I've been from Maine to Spain
Austin to Boston
A three day county fair
and an all-night buzzard fuck

And I ain't NEVER seen no shit like that!

Posted by: wiserbud at January 30, 2007 07:43 PM (56ssE)

23 I'm also one of the few that actually read the book it was based on, Philiip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?

I read that book as a teenager.  Then, years later, I saw Blade Runner.  The funny thing is, I didn't connect them until much later.



Posted by: JayC at January 30, 2007 07:45 PM (hISkR)

24 Now Ace, you owe us..so put up this link. A cute woman lipsynching..and dancing and jumping up and down...and she is legal too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sr6GxRTdVlI

Posted by: Robert at January 30, 2007 07:55 PM (rpSu5)

25 You sent that fri or sat right?

I just have a rule about lipsync videos. I won't encourage the practice.

Admittedly this is a little better done than most, but I don't want teenagers further indulging themselves with this narcissistic nonsense.

Posted by: ace at January 30, 2007 08:07 PM (4qddO)

26 JayC and Ace:

The movie Blade Runner was one of those rare adaptations that are actually better than the source material. Philip K. Dick is rather over-valued as a novelist, in my view -- like Sam Delany with Dhalgren, he relished the "counterculture" label so much that much of his work was just aimlessly weird. Radio Free Albemuth was typical of this: an interesting idea, fairly poorly executed. He's provided the movies with lots of good ideas over the years, but I think Blade Runner is still the only truly good movie to be based on a work of his -- and that had more to do with Ridley Scott's skill than the book itself. (And Sean Young -- Holy God was she hot in that movie!)

Posted by: Monty at January 30, 2007 08:11 PM (7Iqke)

27 Cho's lame-assed attempt to shoehorn "political" content into the video reminded me of Fear of a Black Hat, where Rusty Cundieff parodied the notion of making a video about pussy with "political" content.

"Politicial Unrest Stabilize Society. Yes!"

N.W.H. played it for laughs. I guess Cho did too, but it was hard to tell.

Posted by: caspera at January 30, 2007 08:14 PM (iluXx)

28 Rather than kill myself, I decided to drink heavily instead. I don't want to help the gun control advocates any

Posted by: cranky-d at January 30, 2007 08:15 PM (1O9mK)

29 She's being awfully generous referring to her 'puss'.
More like her pus.

Posted by: Uncle Jefe at January 30, 2007 08:15 PM (iBgga)

30 Monty is spot on with all comments he's made in this thread.
Bastard is good.
Especially about Shawn? or Sean? Young in Blade Runner...
They had that 40's hairdo going...
Fucking elegant, she was.
And hot.

Posted by: Uncle Jefe at January 30, 2007 08:17 PM (iBgga)

31 On the Blade Runner theme, I am reminded of Rutger Hauer poking out the eyes of his creator. I don't know. For some reason that comes to mind after watching this video.

Posted by: caspera at January 30, 2007 08:18 PM (iluXx)

32 Can't avoid the jump if you want to hit the New Comments Thingy. But you can avoid the Cho if you have FlashBlock installed. It lets you see only the Flash you really want to see.

I win!

Posted by: Roy at January 30, 2007 08:20 PM (TfeE1)

33 Certainly Blade Runner, the movie, was more influential, primarily due to its production design, which was, in a word, nifty.

The production design of that movie served as a template for much of the sci-fi to follow for the next twenty years.

As far as the story-- the book is obviously more "science fictiony" and has more "ideas" and whatever in it; the movie is more or less just a cops and robbers tale. Which isn't bad; I prefer my sci-fi to just be Westerns or space-operas with sci-fi trappings, not so heavy on the future shock ideas.

I did think, though, that Dick's San Francisco was more interesting than Scott's LA in postulating a radical DEpopulation, rather than overpopulation.

Depopulated cities, with whole skyscr@pers empty but for a few sqaulid sqautters and chickenhead mutant retards, are scary.

Posted by: ace at January 30, 2007 08:21 PM (4qddO)

34 Ace,

The one aspect of the book that I wish had made it into Blade Runner was this: in the book, owning an animal is considered a mark of prestige and status. Deckard had a sheep, but it died of tetanus, so he got a fake one to keep up appearances. (Thus the book's title.) It said something interesting and fairly deep about Deckard that he would do this, and this dimension is lacking in the film. (Although the sequence in the Director's Cut with the "Unicorn Dream" serves a bit of the same purpose.) Everyone gets so focused on the "Was Deckard an android?" that they miss the point: It shouldn't matter because the question itself is somewhat meaningless. Deckard is Deckard, human or andy.

And yes, I'm discussing this so I can wipe the Cho-horror from my brain by indulging in sci-fi geekery.

Posted by: Monty at January 30, 2007 08:27 PM (7Iqke)

35 Let's make all the inmates at Camp Gitmo watch that.

Posted by: Iblis at January 30, 2007 08:28 PM (8vPzM)

36 Diet Coke & Mentos in a human
and
The followup

It's kinda like what happens when you watch Margaret Cho and eat.


Posted by: Roy at January 30, 2007 08:29 PM (TfeE1)

37 holy crap donald trumps daughter has huge breasts.
off topic but she's on the tonight show right now

Posted by: carl carlson at January 30, 2007 08:30 PM (YaGFS)

38 well there was a bit of that suggested with the artificial animals at the corporation. Did someone attempt to bribe Dekkard with an animal in that scene, or is that just the book?

The snake, of course, too.

Posted by: ace at January 30, 2007 08:30 PM (4qddO)

39 there's a good book about the making of the movie -- kind of better than the book or the movie, in a way -- called Future Shock or something.

Lots of cool trivia, like that Dustin Hoffman was for years slated to play Dekkard (yeah-- dustin hoffman), and that the final scene of Dekkard and the chick driving into the woods was actually footage given to Scott by Kubrick, who had filmed it, but not used it, for The Shining. they had to stick on a happy ending but had no money, so filmed some quickie scenes of Dekkard driving and used Kubrick's helicopter footage of Colorado forests for the shots.

Posted by: ace at January 30, 2007 08:32 PM (4qddO)

40 Ace,

There was the scene with the owl when he first meets Rachel at the Tyrell Corporation, but not much is made of it. And the only link with the snake is so he can find Zhora ("Go find Hassan -- He make de snake!"). The whole point of animals as simulacra of living beings is really left alone; probably necessarily, since the replicants themselves are obvious examples of that.

Also interesting that in the book, Pris and Rachel are the same "model", whereas in the film they aren't.

Posted by: Monty at January 30, 2007 08:33 PM (7Iqke)

41 it's kind of implict, the fake animals thing. Then again, I read the book first, so I got what it was about.

Another interesting thing: The whole "Dekkard is an android" thing was started by his chief telling him that SIX replicants escaped, one was killed getting away, leaving five. But only four appear in the movie, suggesting Dekkard is the fifth replicant.

In fact, there were originally five to be hunted (six total -- one killed during the getaway, five more), and the last was to be a motherly android named "Mary." But production costs zoomed out of control, and they began literally just cutting pages out of the script to save money, and Mary got cut entirely. But the scene where the chief says "SIX" androids escaped was already filmed, and they couldn't redub it without making it obvious.

Thus the whole "Dekkard is a replicant" thing began by accident.

Later, in Ridley's scott's rather lame director's cut, he puts in stuff that makes it all but certain Dekkard is a replicant, but this was just a confirmation of a rumor that all began due to a glitch and budget cuts.

Posted by: ace at January 30, 2007 08:39 PM (4qddO)

42 But for a budget cut, then, and a last-minute script change -- Dekkard was NOT a replicant and never was.

But that happened, fans started speculating, Ridley Scott became enamored of the idea, and then he turned fan speculation into the cannon truth twenty years later.

Posted by: ace at January 30, 2007 08:42 PM (4qddO)

43 Ace,

Yeah, I remember all the crap around the various "cuts" of the film. It's a shame, really. I myself prefer the "Director's Cut" version to the theatrical cut: I hated Ford's voice-over work, and the "happy ending" always struck me as unbelievably hokey and abrupt. Plus the "Unicorn Dream" sequence explained Gaff's little origami unicorn a bit better at the end as well.

I keep hearing rumors of a "Super Special Extra Neat-O" DVD re-release of Blade Runner: re-mastered, 5.1 dolby, 16x9 anamorphic, and lots of good stuff on the companion disc. Any word on when/if it's coming out?

Posted by: Monty at January 30, 2007 08:42 PM (7Iqke)

44 Honestly, for all the problems with the narration -- it's not very good, really, and doesn't say anything that isn't apparent; it's just Ford saying "Hey, here's a space-car" as a space-car is coming -- the film is deathly silent and boring without it.

The first cut got it right. Or at least as right as it was ever gonna get.

Posted by: ace at January 30, 2007 08:45 PM (4qddO)

45 Last I heard the ultra fancy fanboi edition is slated to come out this year. Before June I think.

Posted by: cranky-d at January 30, 2007 08:46 PM (1O9mK)

46 Well, now that the Cho-horror has been banished and the Blade Runner geekery dispensed with, I must bid all adieu for the evening.

Posted by: Monty at January 30, 2007 08:48 PM (7Iqke)

47 I don't think the origami needed explanation -- it was just a bit of business for a minor character to do to give him some character hook.

Scott later used the "Unicorn Dream" to further prove Dekkard was a replicant. Unnecessary.

What annoyed me is, from reading Future Shock, there were all these interesting changes/fixes that could have been done, but the ONLY THING Scott gave shit about was that dumb Unicorn Dream sequence, and I think that was all that was filmed and added to the thing.

That, and some "android eyes" for Dekkard. (All of the artificials showed eyes glowing like a cat's at one point; Scott made Dekkard's glow in the new version.)

Just seems to me they could have done more.

Also, supposedly, there were better versions of the narration they could have dubbed in, but didn't.

And the movie was ALWAYS supposed to have narration; it was in every script. They just never could get it to sound right, and after thirty tries at it, Harrison Ford began phoning the new shit in. That's why he sounds so bored in a lot of the original's narration.

Posted by: ace at January 30, 2007 08:49 PM (4qddO)

48 I didn't click.

Posted by: rd at January 30, 2007 08:51 PM (1YHsK)

49 Hell, for a bit re-issue, they could have written fresh narration, getting a real pro to write it, and even paid Harrison Ford the million bucks he'd charge for a day and a half's work in the studio.

But no.  Just the stupid Unicorn Dream.

there's nothing new in the director's cut except that -- the director's cut has less than the theatrical.  the ending is gone, the narration is gone.  In exchange, five seconds of a prancing unicorn.


Posted by: ace at January 30, 2007 08:56 PM (4qddO)

50 Now you know I'm going to have to click....click

Posted by: Don Carne at January 30, 2007 08:57 PM (RJDcF)

51

Arghh my eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!


Posted by: Don Carne at January 30, 2007 09:01 PM (RJDcF)

52 In fairness, you asked me not to click. I will listen next time

Posted by: John at January 30, 2007 09:08 PM (oF28e)

53 i'm with you on blade runner here ace. it really wasn't that fantastic. i'm always intrigued by why we've collectively decided is worthy of sticking around in our consciousness. it isn't all based on merit all the time.

for instance, i totally thought "empire of the sun" was great. but no one i talked to can seem to remember it.

everyone remembers "bloodsport" but not "lionheart" which was just as good, just not based on some real life badass.

Posted by: carl carlson at January 30, 2007 09:09 PM (YaGFS)

54 God bless my wife!!!  Had she not been in the room I might have clicked and it appears it would have been a deadly mistake.  Glad I read the comments to know I don't ever want to click.

Oh crap - she just left the room!  What do I do? 

HONEY!!!!

Posted by: Editor at January 30, 2007 09:15 PM (RFgl8)

55 It's amazing how well the editing in motion pictures works. Director's cuts tell the tale.
When I saw the 'Apocalypse Now' director's cut, I was pretty damned happy for the edited version that we know and love.

Posted by: Uncle Jefe at January 30, 2007 09:35 PM (iBgga)

56 Jesus--I just threw up in my mouth.

Posted by: Donald Trump at January 30, 2007 09:41 PM (+PS1/)

57 hmm...

Everyone seems to have a bad impression of the video.

I feel...tingly

"You're pussy hangs around your knees"?

Now that's a labia I could truly market, baby

If I only knew how. I'll have to think about it.

Posted by: genghis at January 30, 2007 09:46 PM (0/c+a)

58 Ace?

Hey. You.

(Boom.)

Posted by: Christopher Walken at January 30, 2007 09:49 PM (eby9C)

59 He warns us about this, but not the Hairy Potter bit earlier. I think Ace is trying to infect us all with the Ghey.

Posted by: Cybrludite at January 30, 2007 10:19 PM (XFoEH)

60 But no. Just the stupid Unicorn Dream.

Absolutely true. The "director's cut" was a huge disappointment. And the "Unicorn" thing made no sense if you never bought the lame "Deckard is a replicant" angle.

But that movie, more than any other, makes you want to sit back and sip on scotch or whiskey, doesn't it?

And Monty's wrong about few things, but among them Dick's oeuvre. (he was right about Dhalgren, though).

Posted by: geoff at January 30, 2007 10:42 PM (RLGHA)

61 Hmm. Verb missing there in the last paragraph. I leave it to the interested student to divine.

Posted by: geoff at January 30, 2007 10:43 PM (RLGHA)

62 Blade Runner is a strange movie in that the whole is less than the sum of its parts.

There are aspects of the movie that are terrific, like the production design, and there are moments in the movie that are memorable, and there are lines of dialog that are worth repeating, but when you put it all together ....

... somehow it really doesn't work.  I think the fact that there are several versions of the movie reflects this - they keep trying to re-arrange the pieces to make it good.

Unlike the Cho video, in which everything is bad, except for the parts that are worse.  The "director's cut" of that would be 3 minutes and 23 seconds shorter.


Posted by: JayC at January 30, 2007 11:12 PM (hISkR)

63 Steven Segal is ... looking comparatively hit-able.

Posted by: Stalone at January 30, 2007 11:17 PM (NYv+B)

64 i'm just glad we're talking about blade runner instead of the cho snatch

Posted by: Village Idiot at January 30, 2007 11:46 PM (zoBWw)

65 Ace you're not going to believe this, but the Washington Times just called Ace of Spades a "very smart military blog". I'm not kidding!!! So now people run over to check out your blog and all they see is margaret cho's snatch.

Posted by: Village Idiot at January 31, 2007 12:47 AM (zoBWw)

66 Germany EVOLVED! Unlike rube USA.

And the government PAID FOR IT - as it should!

Posted by: The Truth at January 31, 2007 03:16 AM (cOyko)

67 I mean even with the warning I wasnt expecting anything that awful. You are truly a rotten sombitch!

Posted by: Meatball at January 31, 2007 04:55 AM (b/Zcq)

68 I don't get it. Why is Kim Jong il talking about his puss? He so clazy!


Posted by: J at January 31, 2007 05:06 AM (xkl0e)

69 OK... just imagine the video this way:
(1) skip the intro/outro
(2) replace the dykes with the pussycat dolls
(3) replace cho with fergie, gwen, or nelly furtado

Now tell me that the song wouldn't be at the top of the charts through *at least* the end of the year.

Posted by: at January 31, 2007 08:43 AM (gv0Cs)

70 Why does she look at the dog so longingly at the end of the video?

...and...

If the dog is licking her soapy hand... he'll probably lick up just about anything.

Posted by: Peanut Butter at January 31, 2007 08:51 AM (gv0Cs)

71 I'd recommend sending that video to Gitmo for interrogations, but the ACLU might actually start having a point if we used it on the inmates.

Posted by: Dudley Smith at January 31, 2007 09:28 AM (uVCZA)

72 Yeah, Ace, you warned us. But who the hell listens to you, anyway? A military blogger lost in a world of fantasy and delusion. So, I clicked.

Puking in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by: mikeyslaw at January 31, 2007 09:35 AM (yrptY)

73 HAHAHAHAHA...

From past experience, if Ace tells me not to click...

I no click...

HAHAHAHAHA...

Posted by: IdFaciam at January 31, 2007 09:42 AM (OFfpv)

74 Peanut Butter, I was thinking the same exact thing.

Regarding the previous unsigned comment with points (1)-(3): you're probably right, but that observation is a pretty sad (yet accurate) commentary on what sells in popular culture these days.

And it'd be YUUGE in Europe, where they go just apeshit over Fergie for some unfathomable reason, and where Yeamon's "F**k It," the uncensored version, was at the top of the charts through much of 2004 and was playing over the sound system in every damn clothing store and gelato shop I went into that summer.

As it is, I'm glad I watched it with the sound on mute and made good use of the fast-forward. And I promptly left a comment on the clip's YouTube page with my impression: that it was just slightly more cringe-worthy and embarrassing to watch than the Star Wars Kid.

Posted by: Alex at January 31, 2007 09:47 AM (fgyj8)

75 Number of ejaculations: 7

Posted by: Sporting Wood at January 31, 2007 10:09 AM (nqpjs)

76 Damn you Ace...

Posted by: at January 31, 2007 10:10 AM (TZVNO)

77 Number of ejaculations: 7

Amateur.

Posted by: Rosie O'Donnell at January 31, 2007 10:43 AM (1tlBF)

78

I took Ace at his word and didn't look. But I read with horror the comments and wails from the posters.


Question: I saw the still photo in the video window when I went to comments. Is my dork gonna fall off?


Can I save it by soaking it in something? Or washing it really vigorously with vaseline soap - I always liked that.


Posted by: Cautious_Celery at January 31, 2007 11:13 AM (41Dd+)

79 Gross bro....just plain gross......

Posted by: skydiever at January 31, 2007 11:21 AM (k4M/y)

80 Not even an NSFW warning? I came here because Tony Blankley told me this was a "very smart military blog," and what do I get? Semi-pornographic bad rap video by a woman who is doing everything humanly possible to destroy whatever erotic energy is left in the phrase "Asian lesbian."

Damn you, Ace of Spades!

Posted by: Nordbuster at January 31, 2007 11:40 AM (jYT9+)

81 Monty, there's a bit of the "animals as precious robots" in the movie - remember the stripper's fake snake?

And you are way off on Dick not being a good writer. I mean, in the sense of like, characterization, plot and/or prose style, sure, he sucks. But you don't go to Arby's for fillet mignon, and you don't buy a diamond ring in a head shop.

Posted by: Knemon at January 31, 2007 01:47 PM (Z+wnO)

82 "Later, in Ridley's scott's rather lame director's cut"


SILENCE!!!!

You drink your Val-U-Rite with that mouth?

Posted by: Knemon at January 31, 2007 01:48 PM (Z+wnO)

83 I'd hit it.

Posted by anyportinastorm


But would you snack on it?

Posted by: TaterCon at January 31, 2007 06:28 PM (wOw24)

84 This video makes attractive lesbians cry in shame.

Posted by: Xoxotl at January 31, 2007 11:53 PM (IZYft)

85 It just dawned on me as I watched this again (I'm demented). What does Cho have that dog licking on a regular basis that it needs to wash its mouth out with soap (or that soap tastes good by comparison)?

Posted by: Allen at February 01, 2007 12:24 AM (RBmhU)

86 I have the world's most thankless fucking job.

Posted by: Margaret Cho's Douchenozzel at February 01, 2007 01:08 AM (rFLG5)

87 Intimately, the submit is definitely the very best on this precious topic. I concur with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward in your coming updates!

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