March 30, 2006

Democrats Get Tough On Terrorism
— Ace

An amazing new national security plan has two key provisions:

1) "Responsibly redepolying" US troops from Iraq (i.e., bugging out as soon as we can get the transport ships and planes in);


2) "eliminating" Osama bin Ladin.

Eliminating Osama bin Ladin! Why hasn't anyone suggested this before? It's one of those ideas that's so novel and yet compelling you wonder why you never thought of it!

Critics say the plan "lacks specifics," but then, crticis are always saying stupid shit like that. Besides, the Democrats do have some specifics. They have a specific five point plan to "eliminate" Osama bin Ladin:

1) Let all Americans know with a massively-overhyped silly little fart of press release that they are ready to "get tough" on Osama, and in fact intend to "eliminate" him.

2) Use this new credibility on military policy to win back the Congress and then impeach President Bush. And then Cheney, too, because that guy is just scary.

3) Repeal all of President Bush's tax cuts and provide subsidies for health care and education.

4) Grant amnesty to all illegal immigrants, thereby reducing the threat of terrorists sneaking in as illegal immigrants. If there is no illegal immigration at all, you see, there is no threat from it. Q.E.D.

And finally:

5) "Eliminate" Osama bin Ladin.

When pressed for details about this crucial step five, Hillary! spokesman Harold Wolfson released a further plan, this one even more specific about "eliminating" Osama bin Ladin.

1) Find Osama bin Ladin, so that he can be eliminated.

2) Send people to where he is now known to be, so they will be in a position to eliminate him.

3) Arm them with weapons appropriate to the task of eliminating him, such as, inter alia, guns, knives, nunchucks, and other useful implements of elimination.

4) Impeach President Bush.

5) Eliminate Osama bin Ladin.

So, there you go. The Democrats have a plan. And all they need to execute this plan is 1, your voting them back into power, 2, your allowing them to impeach President Bush, and 3, nunchucks.

Posted by: Ace at 01:19 PM | Comments (69)
Post contains 357 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Wadaminnit! I`ve already seen this picture show.

It was produced and directed by Mel Brooks.......................

Posted by: Colonel Jerry USMC(ret.) at March 30, 2006 01:29 PM (BJYNn)

2 "So, there you go. The Democrats have a plan. And all they need to execute this plan is 1, your voting them back into power, 2, your allowing them to impeach President Bush, and 3, nunchucks."

I think you forgot "4, tax increases." Actually, tax increases should probably be #3, ahead of the 'chucks.

Personally, I think all the Republicans really need to do to win every contested seat this election is repeat, like a mantra, the phrase "President Pelosi."

Posted by: Nucular Nate at March 30, 2006 01:33 PM (cmoKD)

3 How can they eliminate OBL unless they return him to the US, appt that commie geezer Ramsey Clark to represent him, and give him a full trial first?

Posted by: shawn at March 30, 2006 01:33 PM (uLve2)

4 Speaking of getting tough on...anything that's true:

By Murray Waas, National Journal
© National Journal Group Inc.
Thursday, March 30, 2006

Karl Rove, President Bush's chief political adviser, cautioned other White House aides in the summer of 2003 that Bush's 2004 re-election prospects would be severely damaged if it was publicly disclosed that he had been personally warned that a key rationale for going to war had been challenged within the administration. Rove expressed his concerns shortly after an informal review of classified government records by then-Deputy National Security Adviser Stephen J. Hadley determined that Bush had been specifically advised that claims he later made in his 2003 State of the Union address -- that Iraq was procuring high-strength aluminum tubes to build a nuclear weapon -- might not be true, according to government records and interviews.

As the 2004 election loomed, the White House was determined to keep the wraps on a potentially damaging memo about Iraq.

Hadley was particularly concerned that the public might learn of a classified one-page summary of a National Intelligence Estimate, specifically written for Bush in October 2002.

The summary said that although "most agencies judge" that the aluminum tubes were "related to a uranium enrichment effort," the State Department's Bureau of Intelligence and Research and the Energy Department's intelligence branch "believe that the tubes more likely are intended for conventional weapons."

Posted by: Mike at March 30, 2006 01:38 PM (leJWb)

5 So did the democrats finally discover the secret location where Karl Rove is storing OBL? That's the only way they would be able to eliminate him. After all, they claim Rove is storing him somewhere and waiting for the perfect opportunity to "capture" him.

Posted by: Dale at March 30, 2006 01:39 PM (VE3QR)

6 The Democrats are being dangerously incompetent by not providing a timetable for the elimination of OBL. Exactly when will he be eliminated? What day? Where? Who will do the eliminating? How many innocent bystanders will die during the operation, and what are their names? Specifics. We need specifics.

Posted by: lmg at March 30, 2006 01:40 PM (aSIW8)

7 Ace you fogot one more thing to the "Plan of Record". And Harrison Ford will be part of the Special Forces team. He will get out his 10 foot David Morgan Bullwhip and his trusty S&W M1917 .45ACP. There, I said it. That's the plan. It's all on John Kerry's website - you can look it up.

Posted by: Sergei at March 30, 2006 01:40 PM (hUitq)

8 I think you forgot "4, tax increases." Actually, tax increases should probably be #3, ahead of the 'chucks.

Rush said to give them four months. That is how long it usually takes after democrats announce a new program that they propose raising taxes.

Posted by: Dale at March 30, 2006 01:42 PM (VE3QR)

9 It's all on John Kerry's website - you can look it up.

He served in Vietnam by the way. Don't know if you had heard that.

Posted by: Dale at March 30, 2006 01:43 PM (VE3QR)

10 The details to this plan are in a breifcase John Kerry helped shuttle into Cambodia, next to a disappearing magic hat and his medals.

Posted by: Canelone at March 30, 2006 01:44 PM (1Vbso)

11 That plan's so crazy it just might work!

Posted by: elcid016187 at March 30, 2006 01:46 PM (YkilL)

12 Democrates have other plans as well:

How to be a Millionaire
-Get a million dollars

Catch OBL
- Ask around and when you get an answer, go get him.

How to play the flute
- Blow into on end, and move your fingers over the holes

How to date an islandic super model named Anka
- See 'How to get a million dollars'

How to win an election as a democrate
- Act like a republican

Posted by: Viking at March 30, 2006 01:51 PM (gXzaY)

13 That's pretty funny, Viking.

Posted by: shawn at March 30, 2006 01:55 PM (uLve2)

14 Nice to know that the Dems plan to invade Pakistan. I mean, I assume they'll stop at nothing to get their man. They're right that the Bush administration apparently prefers to use diplomacy to secure the cooperation of the Pakistani government, rather than simply invading and capturing OBL. Stupid Bushies

Posted by: geoff at March 30, 2006 01:59 PM (nH1Ad)

15 Step 3 is profit.

Posted by: Underpants Gnome at March 30, 2006 02:04 PM (KXnfG)

16 Nucular dittoes, Dale. Four months would put the tax increase right after the first-ever tandem impeachment (after all, the Democrats wouldn't want to put Cheney in the White House), but before getting the 'chucks, as 'chuck procurement would be taken as a sign that they're ready for action on the "get Osama" phase of the plan. Just as soon as another Republican is elected...

Now that I think about it, I really believe the Republicans should make "President Pelosi" their slogan this fall. Every time I think it might be a good idea to stay home and send a message to the party this time around, I think "President Pelosi" and I scream with terror and rededicate myself to pulling that lever for anyone with an "R" next to his name on the ballot. Needless to say, I haven't exactly made any friends in the elevators today.

Posted by: Nucular Nate at March 30, 2006 02:10 PM (+O2jK)

17 Well, of course there will be tax increases. Government-issue nunchucks don't buy themselves.

Posted by: Eric J at March 30, 2006 02:22 PM (5PRM2)

18 Seriously - the dems couldn't organize or plan getting a dose of clap in a Bangkok whore house.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at March 30, 2006 02:40 PM (WjdPM)

19 Obviously the writers of The Onion are branching out into political strategy.

"Capture OBL, damn, why didn't WE think of that?! "

I wonder if this fuckwit plan is the same one as Kerry's secret plan to win the war.

Posted by: Unruly Human at March 30, 2006 03:22 PM (zxIrU)

20 Mike's plan:

1. Wake up

2. Go to Kos

3. Post whatever he read at Kos at the Ace of Spades for some odd reason

4. Do some gay stuff that we don't want to talk about here

Posted by: Mike Superior at March 30, 2006 03:23 PM (K8G/M)

21 Let's just say the same level of intelligence and military acumen was involved in writing both. It reads like a 6th grader's plan to save the world - or what a bunch of guys in a dorm room eating pizza and smoking pot would come up with.

Which, come to think of it, probably isn't far off.

Posted by: Canelone at March 30, 2006 03:24 PM (1Vbso)

22 Shape of Days has a nice takedown of the Democrats' plan.

H/T: Feisty Republican Whore

Posted by: geoff at March 30, 2006 03:28 PM (nH1Ad)

23 No offense, Sergei, but I don't think this is a Harrison Ford vehicle.

This is Tom Berenger all the way.

Posted by: lauraw at March 30, 2006 03:30 PM (o6H31)

Posted by: lauraw at March 30, 2006 03:32 PM (o6H31)

25 So...[mmph] we could...if we could....[snicker]... like... go back in time.... [giggle] with me on this... if we could go back in time ..... [mmphph] .. to when Clinton could have gotten Osama...[snicker]...and he, take him this time.......then we could get him elected to ... like.....a third term, duuuuuude.....see... and would never have had, President, man....... That would have been soooooooooooooo cool, huh? [giggle]

Hey, pass me more of that shit, dude......

Posted by: The Deanster at March 30, 2006 03:35 PM (56ssE)

26 Dems keep using the word "plan" a lot. I do not think it means what they think it means.

Posted by: wiserbud at March 30, 2006 03:41 PM (56ssE)

27 It reads like a 6th grader's plan to save the world - or what a bunch of guys in a dorm room eating pizza and smoking pot would come up with.

Which, come to think of it, probably isn't far off.

It's probably a forgery anyway

Posted by: Unruly Human at March 30, 2006 03:59 PM (zxIrU)

28 Step 1: Kill Osama Bin Laden

Step 2:

Step 3: PROFIT!!!

Posted by: Evil Chihuahua at March 30, 2006 04:14 PM (2WNyx)

29 Mike is remarkable. He didn't even give us a chance to kick the ball towards the goalposts this time. He preemptively moved them. Hilarious really.

"Oh yeah? Well, what about x..y...z....... If you wanna talk about truth and stuff, you better deal with THIS first. That other stuff? ... You haven't even RESPONDED to this yet!!!."

Posted by: Matt at March 30, 2006 04:57 PM (3bFaP)

30 This part of the plan cracks me up th emost:

"Double the size of our Special Forces, increase our human intelligence capabilities, and ensure our intelligence is free from political pressure."

Er... how are you going to double the size of the Special Forces, exactly? Crap new soldiers? OH wait, it was the Democrats that said we should have the draft, wasn't it?

And we're supposed to believe the party of the Church commission and the Clinton CIA slashing years is the party to build a politically-free intelligence agency? Hello?

Posted by: Canelone at March 30, 2006 04:59 PM (1Vbso)

31 Special Forces is one area where notions of "doubling" give me pause. Unless you're willing to dramatically increase the pool of potential volunteers proportionalty (i.e. double the military), I don't see how you can double the size without sacrificing quality of training, lowering standards, etc.

I know the seals suffered greatly under Clinton because a friend of mine was one for a while during that period before he decided it wasn't worth it anymore and left.

Another thing special forces do is use a LOT of ammo to train properly. I know democrats will balk if they see a 10,000 round per man per week training ammo allotment that's needed to stay sharp all the time.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at March 30, 2006 05:17 PM (WjdPM)

32 My guess is that the talent pool within the military is deep enough that you could double the size of the special forces. But that's not a PLAN, it's a TACTIC!

Have the Democrats done a study to determine that if we had more special forces troops that the militarywould be more effective? No. They sat around a conference room coming up with things that they thought would sound good.

Liberals hate the military. Now we're supposed to believe they know how to run things better?

Posted by: Steve O at March 30, 2006 05:27 PM (R0Csm)

33 Canelone,

You have so got a Bingo here friend!

Item: You don`t just break the glass and out comes a Green Beret. Roughly half the applicants don`t make it through and those that do still need a lot of time in the field to become pro. Language is very important and takes a couple of years from scratch.

Item: If Democrats are going to bring the troops home, why double SF? To hang around the USA....

Item: HUMINT (human intelligence). Worse! Takes 10 years from day one to become expert.

Item: Intelligence free from politics. Dream on teenage queen! Intel is knee deep in politics wherever they go.

You need to testify Canelone---with a 2x4..........

Posted by: Colonel Jerry USMC(ret.) at March 30, 2006 05:39 PM (BJYNn)

34 Isn't the moonbat "leader" Howlin' Dean supposed to announce long term strategies? Why are the soldiers in the domo-mob party upstaging the Boss, unless they plan to snuff him? Where are we going to get $400 'chucks? I want a 100 point plan that increases everything good and reduces everything bad. Promise me more shit and I'll vote for you because I'm fucking stupid! Do these pricks ever stand back and say "look at the fucking jerks I represent, these bastards are DOOMED". I wouldn't want to be the hero of these wack-job shitbags.

Posted by: hutch1200 at March 30, 2006 06:25 PM (RRVzm)

35 You misunderstand the Dems intentions regarding increasing Special Forces. What they meant was that they will treat all those currently enlisted as if they are 'special' (see liberal education plan and the removal of red ink) and this will motivate them to catch Osama. There is also talk of giving them cooler hats, but that is still in committee.

Although I can see how you all would be confused, being knuckle dragging rethuglicans and all.

Posted by: Defense Guy at March 30, 2006 06:29 PM (hckq8)

36 I understand the Dem,s plan to increase special forces by issuing darling pink berets to NAMBLA members and unleashing them on Greenwich Village. This is where Democratic intelligence reports Bin Laden to be hiding. If this is false they have reliable reports he is hiding in Karl Rove's basement.

To finance these new elite units they will disband the Air Force, Navy and Army in order to finance their new Universal Islamic Studies program and Gay Diversity Celebration Policies.

Posted by: Thomas J. Jackson at March 30, 2006 06:35 PM (A7X8u)

37 I was actually looking at an ad for Special Forces in my college newspaper. I was thinking of "Spies Like Us" not the expansion of SF.

Posted by: Mike Superior at March 30, 2006 06:39 PM (K8G/M)

38 Did nancy pelosi ever serve in the military?

Posted by: Miketron AutoBlogSpam Ver. 2.23 at March 30, 2006 07:15 PM (znVZQ)

39 Anyone - Democrat or Republican - who harps about "catching" Bin Ladin is ridiculous. There are more serious people out there whom we need to capture and dispatch. Bin Ladin's efficacy and ability have been reduced dramatically to the point that we need not be very concerned with him. Expending valuable resources to get someone who's out of the loop would be stupid, to be blunt. After we attain more important goals should we concerned about Bin Ladin. At some point he'll fall into our hands.

Posted by: Muslihoon at March 30, 2006 07:37 PM (Q8UK2)

40 I dunno, I think Babs told me to beware the leaders who beat the drums of war. or something. Especially when this whole war thing was concocted in texas.

Posted by: joeindc44 at March 30, 2006 07:40 PM (znVZQ)

41 Joe, isn't the war for Israel? Or halliburton? Or a small collection of defense contractors? Or is it a crusade against muslims? Or...

Posted by: Mike Superior at March 30, 2006 07:48 PM (K8G/M)

42 That's right, Mike S. It's for the oil, and for the Jooooooooos, and to kill all the little brown people, and for Halliburton, and the Military-Industrial Complex, and because Bush is a cowboyidiothitler, and revenge for Hussein trying to assassinate Bush 41. All at the same time. Yep siree.

Posted by: truly gutless at March 30, 2006 07:53 PM (/0Qyy)

43 What was left out of this fabulous plan was the more-important task of "stopping the insurgency."

Anyone gonna tackle that one? Anytime now, Dubya.

Posted by: Feisty at March 30, 2006 10:17 PM (zNHq8)

44 the more-important task of "stopping the insurgency."

Iraq as a 1980's version of Libya or current Iran is apparently OK with the democrats.

Can't succeed too much or you'd put the Madeline Notsobright and Strobe Talbot types out of business.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at March 31, 2006 01:17 AM (WjdPM)

45 Thisis really going to hurt Bush's poll numbers.

Posted by: Be Like Mike at March 31, 2006 03:25 AM (YIFeG)

46 You guys are right. "Doubling the size of our Special Forces" means setting number quotas that must be met, soldier quality be damned. Which means that things used to weed out unsuitable personnel-like marksmanship, fitness, or aptitude tests- will be shitcanned so that this "doubling" can occur. Then guess what happens? Men get killed. A third of the soldiers I served with couldn't swim. Think it's a good idea to just let them be SF? Fucking lunacy.

Posted by: UGAdawg at March 31, 2006 03:46 AM (alGm/)

47 The whole thing is so poorly thought out and presented. It's targeted on idiots but it's far longer than idiots will read. The "plan", or list of proposals, is laced with boob-bait--I half expected to see, "Drop Chuck Norris into Western Pakistan with gym bag for OBL's head."

The only thing I can think of is they were hoping the press would get ahold of this, condense it and play it up as some world-saving stroke of sheer genius. Which actually may be the only decent plan they really came up with. It just might work!

Posted by: spongeworthy at March 31, 2006 04:05 AM (uSomN)

48 Yeah, well, Joooos aside, it still seems like the Dems are beating the drums of war in order to whip the country into a patriotic frenzy. Ooops, never mind, Pelosi said nothing about patriotism. Its ok to beat the drums of war in attempt to grab power, but not as an expresion of patriotism.

I do wonder if Pelosi is allowed to beat these drums, afterall, she never, as Homer once said "You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!"

She never 1. served in the military, and 2. if she did serve in the military, she was not in the shit. 3. if she was in the shit, she never got injured; and 4 if she did get injured then, oh wait, never mind she is a democrat, its all good.

Posted by: joeindc44 at March 31, 2006 04:48 AM (K0x/A)

49 You mean they no longer want to play a frendly game of GIVE PEACE A CHANGE with them?

Posted by: spurwing plover at March 31, 2006 05:04 AM (Dutrh)

50 It still really all boils down to "we want to do what the Republicans are doing right now. Vote for us instead."

And people are supposed to buy that? From the party that given power has spent every opportunity to weaken national security and our intelligence offices? Hello, McFly?!?!?

And yes, whatever happened to the Chickenhawk argument?

Posted by: Canelone at March 31, 2006 06:02 AM (1Vbso)

51 So, there you go. The Democrats have a plan. And all they need to execute this plan is 1, your voting them back into power, 2, your allowing them to impeach President Bush, and 3, nunchucks.

I'm getting deja vu all over again.

Posted by: Tongueboy at March 31, 2006 06:04 AM (nug4S)

52 You mean they no longer want to play a frendly game of GIVE PEACE A CHANGE with them?

That's all it takes? Hell, I got a few spare quarters right here.

Posted by: wiserbud at March 31, 2006 06:34 AM (AQGeh)

53 "Although I can see how you all would be confused, being knuckle dragging rethuglicans and all."
-Posted by Defense Guy at March 30, 2006 11:29 PM

I prefer the term Repugnican myself. "Bourgeois imperialist" also works; I like its sophisticated sound.

Posted by: Nucular Nate at March 31, 2006 06:52 AM (cmoKD)

54 No, wait guys, you've got it all wrong. When the Dems say they're going to "double the size of our Special Forces", they just mean that they're going to increase their rations of beer, pizza, and chocolate sundaes until they all balloon up to twice their normal weight. See?

It's the only way they could justify a "military increase" to their moonbat base.

Posted by: OregonMuse at March 31, 2006 06:54 AM (gWvet)

55 In my previous comment, I meant that I accept those labels with a certain ironic pride. Just thought I'd mention that so it's clear that I'm not going around tossing around commie dialectic like some kind of "human studies" professor.

Bourgeois imperialism: Catch the fever!

Posted by: Nucular Nate at March 31, 2006 06:59 AM (cmoKD)

56 Yes, but who'd pay for all the food? Think of the children OregonMuse!!!

Posted by: Canelone at March 31, 2006 07:06 AM (1Vbso)

57 I'm also fond of "Bourgeois imperialist", although because I am a stupid redneck I don't really understand what it means.

Posted by: Defense Guy at March 31, 2006 09:48 AM (jPCiN)

58 Basically, Defense Guy, it means we think the rest of the world would benefit from more economic freedom. Bourgeois refers to those who enjoy the fruits of capitalism, and imperialism is the practice of building an empire by conquering other nations and bending them to our will.

Commies insist that somehow it's worse for us to encourage other nations to open up to a free market than it was for the Soviet Union to, you know, actually conquer other nations, add them to its collective, and roll out the pogroms. I guess it has something to do with nuance.

Posted by: Nucular Nate at March 31, 2006 10:25 AM (cmoKD)

59 Oh, and don't believe for an instant that you're a "stupid redneck." I'm convinced that you know more about how things really work than any lefty utopianist does.

I'm pretty sure you were joking about that, but I just thought I'd throw this out there to be certain.

Posted by: Nucular Nate at March 31, 2006 10:30 AM (+O2jK)

60 God knows we wouldn't want to disrupt the fiasco Bush and his cadre of military geniuses have us mired in today.

How could things possibly be any better?

2,327 / 17,269

Posted by: Mike at March 31, 2006 11:56 AM (leJWb)

61 I'm still laughing, and I'm linking.

Posted by: Bookworm at March 31, 2006 12:15 PM (K3UBN)

62 Doubling the size of Special Forces should be easy.

If Ted Kennedy can triple his size ,he tell the Special Forces how to do it.

Posted by: D.Mills at March 31, 2006 06:05 PM (SvFSB)

63 Quagmire!!! it's a new Vietnam!!! Soldiers are dying and we've still not finished our job!!! NO exit strategy!!!!

-In Bosnia and Kosovo.

Posted by: at April 01, 2006 06:38 AM (1Vbso)

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