April 30, 2009

Cool Health Facts from Joe Biden
— Ace

Allah's having fun with this idea.

Reminder from Joe Biden: You're never more vulnerable than when you're asleep. Stay awake until the swine flu threat is over.

Another tip from Joe Biden: Always leave yourself one bullet. If you feel an itching in your nose or throat, put the gun in your mouth and blow the virus out of the back of your head. Like they say, feed a cold, head-shot a fever.

A Joe Biden Home Remedy: If you feel a sore throat coming on, drink a gallon of Dran-o or other highly-caustic drain-cleaner. Don't worry if you feel a burning or tingling sensation -- that's how you know it's working, and all that rich, healthy sodium hydroxide is burning your virus away.

And a repost from the last thread. Joe Biden explaining how he calmly handled a likely swine flu outbreak:

So the other day, some friends of mine and I were sitting around Katie's Diner, having waffles and goofing around. Without warning, this guy at the table sneezed three times. We knew it was swine flu, and we didn't want to cause a panic so we calmly and rationally beat him to death with our chairs.

Posted by: Ace at 10:18 AM | Comments (252)
Post contains 211 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Hand washing and Purel do nothing to stop this virus.  I recommend boiling your hands for two minutes three times a day.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:22 AM (qjKko)

2 bet you're all glad you dodged that Sarah Palin bullet...

Posted by: Barry Obamuh at April 30, 2009 10:23 AM (ivZjP)

3 Cool Swine Flu Fact:

One of the symptoms of Swine Flu is you will have 30 minute orgasms.

Posted by: Uniball at April 30, 2009 10:23 AM (27iEn)

4 Today the WHO confirmed that swine flu cases dramatically increased in Mexico, so if I were you all I'd avoid taco bell.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:24 AM (qjKko)

5 I was talking to Sibelieus over at HHS just today and she said 99.99% of swine flu enters your body through the mouth and nose. I would recommend ducking taping those over till after the threat passes.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:24 AM (Q1lie)

6 Try screaming hysterically and standing on a chair to ward off the Swine flu.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:24 AM (ivZjP)

7 7-11s, which are full of Indian people, are the primary stalking places for the swine flu.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:24 AM (IhQuA)

8

Dunk your eatin' irons in vodka before eating.

If you feel like you're about to sneeze, quickly sprtiz eat nostril with Lysol to kill the germs.

Wear condoms on each hand.

Posted by: PaleoMedic at April 30, 2009 10:24 AM (yiNoG)

9 Tip from JB:
The vitamin C in citrus fruits helps support your immune system. If you're approached by someone who looks like they might be suffering from an illness, hit them with a sack of oranges.

Posted by: lauraw at April 30, 2009 10:25 AM (NIhtQ)

10 Fire, while it won't melt steel, will kill the swine flu, just stick a lighter up your nose and trigger it for 5 seconds for each nostril. Then do the same for your mouth. And don't forget your hands, remember to get underneath your fingernails and between your fingers!

Posted by: Biden, MD at April 30, 2009 10:25 AM (lF2Kk)

11 Swine flu is incompatible with Bird Flu.  Kiss a chicken.  Swine Flu is also incompatible with Y. Pestis...so kiss a rat - a liberal will do also.

Posted by: trainer at April 30, 2009 10:26 AM (9Z09Z)

12

I would recommend, this is just me, to my friends and family; that they go ahead and rapidly crash the timeline on their flu bunkers, stock up on shotgun shells and canned goods, and lie in wait for the Flu Zombies of the Aporkalypse.  But that's just me.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:26 AM (+H1yK)

13 That's Duct Tape.....you know the grey stuff you can't rip and have to use scissors and then it sticks to itself and you have to start again. I hate that.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:26 AM (Q1lie)

14 If you think you have it bad, use a blowtorch, it's the only way to be sure.

Posted by: Biden, MD at April 30, 2009 10:27 AM (lF2Kk)

15 Psst....kleenex boxes for slippers and save your own urine.  That's all I'm sayin'.

Posted by: Sherriff Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:27 AM (MMC8r)

16 It's a little-known fact that you can't catch swine flu if you cover yourself in feces and scream and gibber in the darkness like a lunatic. See? Look at me. Healthy as an ox. And covered in my own waste.

Posted by: Joe "Ace" Biden at April 30, 2009 10:27 AM (gEsIJ)

17

Swine flu can kill Chuck Norris.  Chuck.fucking.Norris.  But that's just me.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:28 AM (+H1yK)

18 Well, in my house, we all love those bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches, but these days, and this is just what we do, we have lettuce and tomato sandwiches. If you really miss the bacon, just slap some spam on.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:29 AM (Xm1aB)

19 If you feel an itching in your nose or throat, put the gun in your mouth and blow the virus out of the back of your head. Like they say, feed a cold, head-shot a fever.

I just about spit my coffee all over my keyboard.  I think we have a winner!!!

Posted by: The Other Shoe at April 30, 2009 10:29 AM (UclVj)

20 I'm planning on killing my entire family and then hanging myself in the garage. But that's just me. I'm a "worrier."

Posted by: Joe "Ace" Biden at April 30, 2009 10:29 AM (gEsIJ)

21

I’ll bet Sarah doesn’t get Swine Flu and I’ll bet Dick Cheney doesn’t get it either.

Posted by: Vic at April 30, 2009 10:30 AM (f6os6)

22 Sherriff Joe told me that swine flu cures cancer...

Posted by: theBman at April 30, 2009 10:30 AM (/vN7m)

23 My daughter told me that the only thing that will kill the virus after it gets up your nose is to send some cocaine up after it and get it really, really high.

Posted by: SuperDoctor Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:31 AM (MMC8r)

24 It's often difficult for a virus to mutate sufficiently to jump between distantly related organisms, such as a mammal and a reptile. Try dressing up like a lizard so the virus won't think you can catch it.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:31 AM (+4lg3)

25 Well, there's a Swine Flu. But there is no "Human Meat Flu." I'm just sayin'. Better safe than sorry.

Posted by: Joe "Ace" Biden at April 30, 2009 10:32 AM (gEsIJ)

26 I am your brain on drugs.....

Posted by: A Joe Biden PSA at April 30, 2009 10:32 AM (4s1it)

27 I am so full of awesome ideas.  Hey Napolitano, you gettin' all this down or what? 

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:33 AM (+H1yK)

28 By the way that warning I gave about the Subways? That doesn't apply to all trains.
Amtrak is perfectly safe, Mexicans can't afford to ride it you see?  I love Amtrak.
Avoid confined spaces with Mexicans in them, that's the key right there.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:33 AM (Q1lie)

29 Suggestions 4, 13, 18, and 22 seem oddly similar to a speech I gave to the British Labour Party in 1983 . . .

Posted by: Neil Kinnock at April 30, 2009 10:35 AM (QDTRf)

30 Now if start to skid over puddles of water, you need to hold the wheel steady and pump the brakes, unless you're driving a stick ... wait, what?

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:36 AM (K5AMb)

31 Only sneeze in a field because it's safer that way.

Posted by: TheQuietMan at April 30, 2009 10:36 AM (1Jaio)

32 I mean, you got the first mainstream Mexican Swine Flu that is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking virus. I mean, that's a storybook flu, man.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:36 AM (4s1it)

33 I want to clarify that everyone should remain calm and not overreact. However, I am building my own DIY Thunderdome and Wheel of Justice in my backyard. Except it's not a wheel of justice, it's a wheel of health. You spin it and it could come up "Execution," "Gulag," "Spin again," etc. But to be honest, I've weighted it so it always comes up "Execution." But that's me. I care about my family. You might not.

Posted by: Joe "Ace" Biden at April 30, 2009 10:36 AM (gEsIJ)

34 Now, I'm a beer drinker, regular guy, but you know, we have some of the fancy types - not the fags, I mean - we got those too, and they're great, the homos, love the...theater, and that kind of thing, but we have some of the wine drinkers, I meant to say. Anyway, my advice for them is to stay with the reds and the whites, because this new "S wine", it's bad. I mean this stuff will kill you as soon as look at you. If it had eyes.

I love the gays. Great people.

And I haven't seen any proof that they're the ones responsible for introducing the virus.

Please make me stop talking.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:37 AM (+4lg3)

35 Strangely enough, I find smiling at awkward moments in my sentences and saying 'literally' a lot keeps the swine flu away. Of course, that might just be because my IQ is higher than yours.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:37 AM (hlYel)

36 Use Zicam, orally, nasally and rectally.

Posted by: Rush at April 30, 2009 10:37 AM (yiNoG)

37 Oh Gawd, I choked on a Starburst reading those. Have you ever had one of those big square bitches stuck in our throat?

Posted by: di butler (New and Improved. Now with 20% more boobs!) at April 30, 2009 10:37 AM (qPIRP)

38 Since I know for a fact that swine flu can't survive at high speed, obtain an airliner and fly low around the nearest metropolis until symptoms clear up.  

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:38 AM (mE0Rl)

39

Now, when I was growing up on the mean streets of Scranton, we had a way of dealing with suspected cases of swine flu.  Let's just say it involved a spiked baseball bat and a form of communication slightly more elevated than a friendly waterboarding session.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:38 AM (+H1yK)

40 Joe Biden - If you have an infection that lasts over 4 hours call your doctor immediately.  At least that's what the commercials say.

Posted by: polynikes at April 30, 2009 10:38 AM (m2CN7)

41

Cool Swine Flu Fact:

One of the symptoms of Swine Flu is you will have 30 minute orgasms.

Day-um!  Where's Worf?

Posted by: RushBabe at April 30, 2009 10:39 AM (LKkE8)

42 Remember Chuck? He couldn't stand up because, God love'm he had the swine flu.

Literally.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:39 AM (hlYel)

43 I'm spending the rest of the day at the Rio kissing er, uh, welcoming, all the lovely Mexicans swimmin' to shore.  I figure death by swine flu is a hell of a lot better than watching what my great friend Osama, er, um, Obama is doing to small town America, you know, where I come from.  May God spare Home Depot, you know, where I shop. 

Posted by: J Biden at April 30, 2009 10:40 AM (penCf)

44 This is nothing.  Wait until the President starts telling us how bad jack rabbit starts are on our MPG. 

As was said during the election, this guy could have showed up at the debate naked screaming about the bugs under his skin, and the media would have just laughed about Crazy Ole Joe.

Posted by: sears poncho at April 30, 2009 10:41 AM (uj/0b)

45 By the way until this threat passes I will be taking the train to Scranton.
Scranton is a great town, no swine flu would go there. Mexicans either, God love 'em.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:41 AM (Q1lie)

46 You know, for $15,000 plus $1000 per year, you can have your head sawed off and cryogenically frozen until a cure is discovered. And also, a way to re-attach a severed head and restore life to a corpse. I figure that's coming in, I don't know, ten, maybe twenty months. I'm not really recommending that, really. I'm just sayin', if you have the money, look at some of their literature.

Posted by: Joe "Ace" Biden at April 30, 2009 10:42 AM (gEsIJ)

47

Ooops.

Cool Swine Flu Fact:

One of the symptoms of Swine Flu is you will have 30 minute orgasms.

Day-um!  Where's Worf?

Posted by: GoPoundSalt_I Won at April 30, 2009 10:42 AM (LKkE8)

48 This illness is obviously the work of the CIA, and the Jews. But for the love of god, why pork?

Posted by: Rev. Wright at April 30, 2009 10:43 AM (muUqs)

49 The only way to avoid catching the swine flu is to gird your loins. Literally.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:43 AM (hlYel)

50 Remember don't go in the Subway.
Better go to Quiznos for lunch.

Posted by: MrsPaulsFishSticks at April 30, 2009 10:43 AM (iYbLN)

51 And don't forget to keep your tires properly inflated too!

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at April 30, 2009 10:44 AM (ZGhSv)

52 I think about the worst thing we could do right now is overreact. So sure, wash your hand, practice polite non contact at work and school, and build yourself a spaceship to take to Europa or someplace safe, you know, till the heat's off.

Posted by: Joe "Dave in Texas" Biden at April 30, 2009 10:44 AM (1X5pN)

53 In college, I received an "A+" in Resistance to Communicable diseases, and I graduated Magna Cum Healthy from law school. I'm sure my IQ (Immunological Quotient) is higher than yours.

Posted by: Joe "Ace" Biden at April 30, 2009 10:44 AM (gEsIJ)

54 Home remedy for swine flu : swagga shot.

Posted by: Rev. Wright at April 30, 2009 10:44 AM (muUqs)

55 A little help please. Barack just asked me how you say "swine flu" in Mexican. Anyone know?

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:44 AM (hlYel)

56 We've tracked the disease down to its...hideout, I guess you call it.
[aide whispers]
Yeah, I know. It's a metaphor. The people get me.

Anyway, the virus came up here from Mexico, so what we gotta do is identify the Mexicans. We came up with a list of common Mexican names, so listen up, and if you hear your name, report to the nearest CDC facility.
"Gomez". "Ortiz". "Chavez". Wait a minute, that's Venezuelan. Scratch that last one. "Sanchez". "Guthrapali". "MacMurray". "Biden". "O'Sulli" - hold on.

Folks, it looks like I'm going to have to take a little break here.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:45 AM (+4lg3)

57 How do I put this delicately? If you find yourself copulating with a Mexican whore who has flu-like symptoms, be sure to spit into her mouth. It doesn't protect against disease, but it's kinda hot, you know?

Posted by: Joe "Ace" Biden at April 30, 2009 10:45 AM (gEsIJ)

58 When I heard about this swine flu thing, I ran right over to Home Depot (I'm in there all the time, you know), bought some silicone caulk and sealed my nostrils shut.  It's the only way.

Of course, I avoid brown people, too.  They're dirty, you know...well, I mean, except for the President, he's okay, that's what I meant when I said he was 'clean.' 

Posted by: SuperDoctor Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:45 AM (MMC8r)

59 Ha! Ha! Laugh it up you hicks.

Don't you know you're in line for a $400 rebate on your flu shots?

Posted by: Susan Rroesgen at April 30, 2009 10:46 AM (hlYel)

60

For morons who hang out at Platimum Plus, Solid Gold, and the Mustang Ranch, the only way to avoid swine flu is stop having sex with pigs. 

Posted by: Fish at April 30, 2009 10:46 AM (CG+cG)

61

  Biden said recently that Team Obama had encouraged him to "just be Joe." With 94 swine flu cases now confirmed in 11 states, and  with the vice president stepping all over the president's message in encouraging Americans to be prudent  but not to panic, it may be time to rethink that strategy.

Ah, Joe, say it ain't so.

-- Johanna Neuman - taken from LA Times "Top of the Ticket" blog

Posted by: J Biden at April 30, 2009 10:47 AM (penCf)

62 There's a website that tells you how to deal with all of this but I can't remember the number.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:47 AM (hlYel)

63 I want recommend anyone speaking Mexican to lay off that for a while and use Spanish instead.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:47 AM (Q1lie)

64 It's a little known fact that when the big scarlet fever epidemic broke out in 1817, President Madison immediately got on the TV and warned Americans to avoid air and subway travel. 

Posted by: angler at April 30, 2009 10:47 AM (Yv052)

65 Do fist bumps count as shaking hands?

Posted by: Fish at April 30, 2009 10:48 AM (CG+cG)

66 Damn, these Mexicans are even filthier than the Irish.

Posted by: SuperDoctor Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:48 AM (MMC8r)

67 Flu, it's a four letter word!

Posted by: CB at April 30, 2009 10:48 AM (9Wv2j)

68 On second thought, we should all welcome these hard working undocumented viruses. They're just doing a job that American viruses won't do.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:48 AM (Nq/UF)

Posted by: same at April 30, 2009 10:49 AM (CL9eF)

70 It looks like a hot party just became... a hot zone.

Posted by: Horatio Caine, Putting His Sungasses On and Stepping Out of Frame at April 30, 2009 10:49 AM (gEsIJ)

71

Remember the great flu epidemic of 1929 that partially caused the market to crash.  Well FDR , god bless him, was bound to a wheelchair because of this flu but he still went on TV and assured people that travel by jet was still safe.   

Posted by: Joe 'poly' Biden at April 30, 2009 10:49 AM (m2CN7)

72 First of all, FIRE YOUR HOUSEKEEPERS!

Posted by: SuperDoctor Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:49 AM (MMC8r)

73 We're all really worried about Hillary. I mean the woman is literally a pig. Oh God love me, what am I saying?

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:49 AM (hlYel)

74 The *real* culprit behind swine flu is the Russians, stealing our precious bodily fluids and putting fluoride in everything. I'm sending "Attack Plan R".

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:50 AM (h1vJ/)

75 Swine flu is the disease, Frank. And it's time to apply *the cure.*

Posted by: Horatio Caine, Putting On His Sungasses and Stepping Out of Frame at April 30, 2009 10:51 AM (gEsIJ)

76 You people are en fuego.

Posted by: not the guy who yells en fuego at April 30, 2009 10:51 AM (7DB+a)

77

Joe, you arrogant slut!

Posted by: Fish at April 30, 2009 10:51 AM (CG+cG)

78 I had a conservative reporter ask me a question the other day he said "Mr. Vice President, aside from being a completely f'king idiot how do we deal with pandemic"? I had him decapitated!

Posted by: 'Nam Grunt at April 30, 2009 10:51 AM (/bqyT)

79 As a concerned Christlike figure I resent any disparaging comments about Uncle Joe Pluggs, being that he suffers from a rare family trait; his mouth is bigger tan his brain.

Posted by: Jacobin Jesus at April 30, 2009 10:52 AM (NUZHY)

80 #12: "Aporkalypse" vs. Barackalypse (an IMAO: Harvey term).  I fail to see the difference.  They both have pork in them and we all die anyway.

Posted by: Old Sailor at April 30, 2009 10:52 AM (/Ft4q)

81

angler at April 30, 2009 03:47 PM (Yv052)

you are a comic genius. 

Posted by: Joe 'poly' Biden at April 30, 2009 10:52 AM (m2CN7)

82 Where's Dick Cheney and his shotgun when you need him?

Posted by: Fish at April 30, 2009 10:52 AM (CG+cG)

83 I was worried that Chis Matthews was coming down with it. I thought he said he felt a 'chill' but it turned out he was looking at a photo of Barack topless and he said he felt 'a thrill'.


Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:53 AM (hlYel)

84 This is why I avoid  Mexicans normally and only hang out with Jews and Blacks.
Jews and Blacks are great people ya know? My mother says the same and she knows because we have had a Jew accountant and  Black maid since I was a little boy in Scranton.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 10:53 AM (Q1lie)

85 Because we Democrats care about the health of our fellow Americans, we have allocated $600 billion for local clinics to provide the uninsured with the sweet release of death.

Posted by: Nancy Pelosi at April 30, 2009 10:55 AM (gEsIJ)

86

I’ll bet Sarah doesn’t get Swine Flu and I’ll bet Dick Cheney doesn’t get it either.

Swine Flu is afraid of Dick Cheney.

Posted by: katya at April 30, 2009 10:55 AM (oRJZj)

87 Eat two catshits and call me in the morning.

Posted by: Dr. Joseph Biden at April 30, 2009 10:55 AM (NIhtQ)

88 In a private meeting I had with President Bush he told me "well Joe, I'm a leader", and I said "Mr. President, turn around and look behind you. Over there". Then I sprayed the back of his head with hand sanitizer and got the fuck out of Dodge!

Posted by: Joe Biden in Texas at April 30, 2009 10:55 AM (1X5pN)

89 You know, FDR was watching TV back in the day and all of a sudden the swine flu got him. He never walked again. True story.

Posted by: J. Biden at April 30, 2009 10:56 AM (5xynA)

90 Say BOOMER non-stop and eat at Billy Sims BBQ, Cause its not BBQ, Its fuckin BOOMER-Q bitches!!!

Posted by: Billy Sims at April 30, 2009 10:57 AM (ngD76)

91 All joking aside we have children in charge of our Country now, but 95% of the Military is on our side, they will bring their toys with them too and that's comforting to me because they were raised right!

Posted by: 'Nam Grunt at April 30, 2009 10:58 AM (/bqyT)

92 #70 & 75 - YEAAARRRRGH!

Posted by: Howard Dean at April 30, 2009 10:59 AM (+4lg3)

93 You know, when Spanish Flu broke out, Franklin Roosevelt got on television and didn't just talk about, you know, the princes of greed.

Posted by: Joe Biden in Texas at April 30, 2009 10:59 AM (1X5pN)

94 Amazing - the House is going to focus on the fucking BCS college football lineup, complete with Boise State testifying, tomorrow.

Swine flu, bank instability, carbon tax...no.

BCS hearings? Yes.


The US Government is makinga mockery of itself.

Posted by: Anti-Harkonnen Freedom Fighter at April 30, 2009 10:59 AM (5r0Tz)

95 I don't want to give investment advice, but since the swine flu hit I've put my entire portfolio into canned food, guard dogs, shotguns and tamiflu. But that's me. I love my family. If you don't love yours, you're free to pursue a riskier path.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:00 AM (gEsIJ)

96 By the way a lot of people are saying some very bad things about pigs over this whole pandemic and I think that's just awful and naive. Pigs are just fine, pork too.
It's the swine who caused this and President Obama and I will do everything possible to make sure those awful swine are brought to justice.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:00 AM (Q1lie)

97 Just me, but if I get sick, lemme tell ya, I'd get a Jew doctor.  Those fellas are Jew smart.  Literally.

Posted by: Sherrif Joe B. the Vee Pee at April 30, 2009 11:01 AM (7DB+a)

98 If you develop a fever , take a double dose of Tylenol and wash it down with a couple of shots of whiskey for 3 days .  This will cause the virus to become drunk.  Any liver pain is a harmless side effect.

Posted by: Joe 'poly' Biden at April 30, 2009 11:01 AM (m2CN7)

99 The US Government is making a mockery of itself.

Posted by: Anti-Harkonnen Freedom Fighter at April 30, 2009 03:59 PM (5r0Tz)

To be fair, that's not much of a stretch these days . . .

Posted by: CB at April 30, 2009 11:02 AM (9Wv2j)

100 I think the important thing, what I tell my own family, is to avoid people in hats. They might be Mexicans in disguise.

Posted by: Joe "adolfo" Biden at April 30, 2009 11:04 AM (882Iu)

101 How bad is this pandemic? Is that what you are asking me?
Well, let me tell you. I was talking to Arlen Spector just today and he said he would rather face Toomey in a primary than the swine flu. That's how bad it is. Arlen is a real intellectual too let me tell you. He may be the only guy to ever serve in the senate with a higher IQ than mine, maybe.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:05 AM (Q1lie)

102 You laughing at me, wingnuts?  I'll have you know I know more about Mexican diseases than a Tijuana hooker.

Posted by: SuperDoctor Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:05 AM (MMC8r)

103 I wouldn't take an airliner to visit my Irish cottage, just to be safe, I'd drive instead, but that's just me.  Once you get there, it's still a good idea to wear a mask to avoid catching Potato Famine, which historically is even deadlier than Swine Flu.

Posted by: "Slow" Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:06 AM (plsiE)

104

Look Greta, the one thing I say to my kids, those Indians don't wipe after going to the bathroom. Don't shake their hands, for God's sake.

Posted by: Rev. Dr. E. Joe Biden-Miller at April 30, 2009 11:06 AM (FPYe+)

105 You know those Chineese muslim terrorists we're releasing into the country next week? I'd stay away from them, I mean the health conditions down at Gitmo are horrible, and you know how close Gitmo is to Mexico.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:07 AM (Xm1aB)

106 It's crazy to single out Mexicans just because their prime vectors of the swine flu. Look, God love 'em, but if they're going to kill you it will be with a knife. Those people are kill-crazy about knives. You can barely walk into a Del Taco these days without getting multiple stab wounds, and I'm not kiddin'.

Posted by: Joe "Ace" Biden at April 30, 2009 11:07 AM (gEsIJ)

107

Now I know that you've seen a lot of people on television wearing surgical masks to help keep themselves safe.  I feel that it is imperative that we, as Americans, understand that these masks do little to no good.  These things are nothing different than the cheap masks you can buy at a hardware store when you're working in your woodshed.  This will do nothing to stop the swine flu.  NOTHING AT ALL.  You might as well try to close off your borders.

The only proven method of deterrence from this impending disaster, which our dear President is completely and totally prepared to handle, is to avoid any excessive crowding.  In fact, I am proposing that we implement a nationwide test right now to make sure that nobody is too close to one another right now.  If I may, please America, everyone stand up.......okay.  Good.  Now, reach out to anyone standing near you, hold their hand, and then step away from one another until both of your arms are fully extended.  Now you are far enough apart...  Good.  Now everyone in America is safe.

Posted by: Joe Biden, MD at April 30, 2009 11:08 AM (XiVKO)

108 They say that swine flu may cause inflammation of the mucous membranes and soft tissues. So if it were my family, I'd be slathering their anuses with Vic's Va-Po-Rub and cayenne pepper, you know, to condition and strengthen them for the inevitable onslaught. But that's just me.

Posted by: Joe "Cuffy" Biden at April 30, 2009 11:09 AM (uOvAE)

109 I have instructed the State Department to signal we are prepared to talk to representatives of the Swine Flu without precondition. Er, um, of course there will be *preparations* before the talks.

Posted by: Barack Hussein Obama at April 30, 2009 11:09 AM (gEsIJ)

110 O/T:  "Top DC Lawyer Shoots Himself In Office One Day After Firm Announces Layoffs"  http://tinyurl.com/cbblwg

Posted by: doris day at April 30, 2009 11:10 AM (zplc6)

111

Amazing - the House is going to focus on the fucking BCS college football lineup, complete with Boise State testifying, tomorrow.

 

I had to check that because it sounded too insane to be true. Alas, it is true. I found a news article that included this little gem:

 

Several lawmakers are pushing bills on the BCS. Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, for example, has sponsored legislation that would prevent the NCAA from calling a college football game a “national championship” unless it results from a playoff system.

 

And this is a Republican! People wonder why Republican brand is slipping? My copy of the Constitution under the power of congress contains no clause that gives them the authority to regulate BCS rankings.

 

Oh well; I suppose this portion of the big government shit sandwich falls somewhere under interstate commerce.

Posted by: Vic at April 30, 2009 11:10 AM (f6os6)

112 thank you all for the greatest laughfest i've had in days.  God love ya.

Posted by: kelley in virginia at April 30, 2009 11:11 AM (g568/)

113

Now, a lot of you out there might be confused about this swine flu thing.  And let me tell you, this swine flu has absolutely nothing to do with swine, or swine products.  I will repeat myself:  do not fear your bacon.

The true source of this pandemic should be obvious.  Deadly, deadly panda meat.

Posted by: Joe Biden, MD at April 30, 2009 11:13 AM (XiVKO)

114

I was just talking to a good friend of mine over a beer, Ted Welty, Ted...where are ya, stand up...god love im, lost his wife of 57 years, Erma, wonderful woman, made the best goulash you ever ate.

But she was Indian too, and boy she had a strong, you know, personal odor, I could smell it from Jersey, and that's sayin sumthin.

But I go back to my childhood when my Dad told me "Joe, don't ever shake an Indian's hand, they don't use toilet paper, they wipe with their hands, filthy people, you'll get the Indian flu."

Posted by: Rev. Dr. E. Joe Biden-Miller at April 30, 2009 11:15 AM (FPYe+)

115 Open borders are an essential safe-guard. The Swine Flu thrives in confined spaces, closed borders, small closets, etc are killers.

Posted by: Joe Biden, MD at April 30, 2009 11:16 AM (TPRbZ)

116 This is a serious two questions, 1. Why are they killing all the pigs in Egypt if you can't get it by eating pig?  2.  Can your bird or your cat or your dog get this flu?

Posted by: doris day at April 30, 2009 11:16 AM (zplc6)

117 I can't believe you are making fun of me. All I'm trying to do is save your lives.

The last guy who was VP, Cheney? He literally wanted to kill you all. It's true.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:16 AM (hlYel)

118

I've been consulting closely with my good friend Barney Frank on this whole swine flu thing, and he's told me that the surest way to keep yourself healthy, and ward this stuff off, is through regular, and frequent, hot beef injections.  Barney, he's a good guy.  He's been concerned enough about my health and well-being to personally administer my hot beef injections, at least twice a day.  Man, I tell you, they hurt at first, but if you just think about something else until the procedure is over, you can pull your pants back up with a smile on your face knowing that you are safe and protected from this potentially deadly disaster.

Hot beef injections.  They've got your number, swine flu!  And they're fixing to log on to your website.  Literally.

Posted by: Joe Biden, MD at April 30, 2009 11:17 AM (XiVKO)

119

I was just telling Barack that if he doesn't stop all rail traffic between Baltimore and New Haven, he could risk seeing three billion people get the swine flu.

It's serious stuff.

Posted by: Rev. Dr. E. Joe Biden-Miller, M.D., D.O at April 30, 2009 11:19 AM (FPYe+)

120 I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I just read a study in the latest issue of The Lancet that estimated the swine flu has caused an estimated 19.6 trillion "excess deaths" so far. Also, since I've learned the virus may be airborne, to avoid infection I've advised my family to stop breathing. If you love your family, you'll do the same.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:20 AM (tHvih)

121 Oh, and ya know what?

I'm a heartbeat from the Presidency.

Posted by: SuperDoctor Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:21 AM (MMC8r)

122 700 million uninsured Americans are in danger of getting the swine flu, due to the failed policies of the Bush administration.

Posted by: Nancy Pelosi at April 30, 2009 11:22 AM (NIhtQ)

123 America and France kicked the swine flu out of Lebanon.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:22 AM (/sh1v)

124

You know, after all the heat I've taken today, let me assure you that the odds of catching the swine flu are extremely low. That's why if it were my family, we'd be licking each slot machine handle in Atlantic City. That oughta shut Gibbs up.

Posted by: Joe "Cuffy" Meigs at April 30, 2009 11:23 AM (uOvAE)

125

Look, it's serious stuff, that's why I say, if you see an Indian in your grocery, stay the hell away from him, and if he's buying some pork product, what, like bacon or sausage or something like that, don't shake his goddamn hand man, it's simple!

Stay away from the cans!

Posted by: Rev. Dr. E. Joe Biden-Miller, M.D., D.O at April 30, 2009 11:23 AM (FPYe+)

126

There are historical parallels with the current deadly outbreak and the typhus epidemic that threatened the world population in the early days of our country.

Over 2 billion people died during this epidemic that began in 1501, with the spread of disease stopped by shutting down all steamship travel, evidenced by the complete lack of operation by such ships in historical documents.  To avoid panic we should follow history's example and avoid all travel, crowded rooms, and children.  But that's just me, there's no reason to panic.

Posted by: "Slow" Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:24 AM (plsiE)

127

This is a serious two questions, 1. Why are they killing all the pigs in Egypt if you can't get it by eating pig?  2.  Can your bird or your cat or your dog get this flu?

1) Because it's a Muslim country using this as an excuse to hurt non-Muslim farmers. 2) I doubt we have to worry about cats and dogs. Not sure about birds, though.

Posted by: adolfo_velasquez at April 30, 2009 11:26 AM (882Iu)

128 I will say this much about the Swine Flu, it's clean and articulate. I for one would be proud to have it ruin our country.

Posted by: Dr. Sherriff Biden at April 30, 2009 11:27 AM (kIjlp)

129 The swine flu has murdered twelve civilians in cold blood.

Posted by: John "Abscam" Murtha at April 30, 2009 11:28 AM (gEsIJ)

130 I think the more important issue to be talking about in regards to this swine flu aren't the people that might die from it.  No.  What I want to talk to you about today are the four million lives saved or created by my good friend Barack, and his plan to nationalize health care!

Posted by: Joe Biden, MD at April 30, 2009 11:30 AM (XiVKO)

131

I want to assure people I do not have the swine flu.  Even though diarrhea is one of the main symptoms its not 'of the mouth' variety like everyone tells me I have.

Posted by: Joe 'poly' Biden at April 30, 2009 11:30 AM (m2CN7)

132 I know a thing or two about swine flu, let me tell you. I've been there. I've been where it strikes. I was on a chopper, investigating conditions along the Superhighway of Influenza between Guadalajara and Mexico City, when we were forced down. Dodging viruses the whole way, we eventually found our way to a bar where a saucy senorita with a snake draped around her neck kept us riveted in our seats until ... goddamn vampires attacked. The hot chick was a vampire too! What a tease. Anyway, we were lucky to make it out alive.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:31 AM (/sh1v)

133 You know, when I was working my ass off in a Taco Bell as a kid in Scranton, the manager taught me two very important things. "Joe" he said "Joe, I want you to remember it's very important for public health that you wash your hands frequently. And stop spittin on the chalupas". His words ring true today, God love 'im.

Posted by: Joe Biden in Texas at April 30, 2009 11:31 AM (1X5pN)

134 Don't worry about the Swine Flu,
just get an in-oink-u-lation.

God I'm funny

Posted by: Joe B at April 30, 2009 11:31 AM (+7Usq)

135 Cats and dogs, you know, we really don't need to worry about them because they're usually not Mexican. If you have a Chihuahua, something like that, just to be safe, you should dip him in gasoline, maybe wrap him in plastic.

Posted by: Joe "adolfo" Biden at April 30, 2009 11:31 AM (882Iu)

136
It's the shape of the virus which makes it such a slippery customer for your immune system. 
That's why I keep a ball peen hammer handy.

Posted by: SloJo Biden at April 30, 2009 11:32 AM (MmmKo)

137 This administration is committed to creating or saving 30,000,000 cases of swine flu.

Posted by: angler at April 30, 2009 11:33 AM (Yv052)

138 Heck, people, take it from me, you don't need to worry about the trains or subways.  All those things are not a problem.

But if you knew what I know about the banks....

Posted by: SuperDoctor Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:33 AM (MMC8r)

139 I just saw some Mexicans in their congress with the masks on.

this whole thing is a farce

i do feel for the victims who died...but many die from flu every year.

i especially feel for that poor toddler in texas...poor kid. God bless em.

Posted by: Anti-Harkonnen Freedom Fighter at April 30, 2009 11:34 AM (5r0Tz)

140 A side effect of swine flu is public crabs.  The cure is simple.  Shave one half of the pubic area, douse the unshaven part with kerosene, light it on fire and when the crabs run around to the shaved side, stab 'um with an icepick.

Posted by: Fish at April 30, 2009 11:35 AM (CG+cG)

141

Look, George Bush had eight years, EIGHT YEARS, to clean up this mess, he didn't bother to do it, to legislate out of existence tight, confining places and he did nothing about the whole Indian's not using toilet paper problem, that's still a problem to this day!

Posted by: Rev. Dr. E. Joe Biden-Miller, M.D., D.O at April 30, 2009 11:37 AM (FPYe+)

142 Need Lace Wigs dress you up good?  Remy Lace Wigs also stop porcine sick! No sdneeze, puke, and real human hair!! Also, plugs no cause Pork Chop Cold Disease1  Remy dress you up and you feel beautiful AND healthy!1!!1!!1

Posted by: Joe Biden, Remy Lace wigs Dir. of Marketing at April 30, 2009 11:37 AM (6kXbn)

143

Advice from Joe Biden:

You know, the reason it's called swine flu is because the virus is spiral shaped, literally, just like a pig's tail.

Posted by: Lee at April 30, 2009 11:38 AM (TxTIh)

144 Whatever happened to the Taco Bandito?

Posted by: Fish at April 30, 2009 11:38 AM (CG+cG)

145 So far none of you are even close to sounding like Joe Biden.

First off, to sound like Joe Biden what you're writing would have to take at least 10 minutes to say out loud.

Just sayin'.

Posted by: David in PHX for now at April 30, 2009 11:38 AM (VsDj3)

146 Where are the trolls to support me?

Posted by: SuperDoctor Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:39 AM (MMC8r)

147 Heck, people, take it from me, you don't need to worry about the trains or subways.  All those things are not a problem.
But if you knew what I know about the banks....

Posted by: SuperDoctor Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 04:33 PM (MMC8r)

Awesome.

Posted by: adolfo_velasquez at April 30, 2009 11:39 AM (882Iu)

148 You know, if people would just stop having sex with swine, wait...no honey...you can still have sex with me...right, uhhhh honey?
Joe Biden

Posted by: MrsPaulsFishSticks at April 30, 2009 11:40 AM (iYbLN)

149

More advice from Joe Biden:

The swine flu comes from Mexico, which means that if you see a Mexican and he's healthy, he's got natural immunity.

So the solution is simple: Injections of Mexican blood for everyone.

Posted by: Lee at April 30, 2009 11:41 AM (TxTIh)

150 Posted by: MrsPaulsFishSticks at April 30, 2009 04:40 PM (iYbLN)

You can talk more about your tits, ya know?

Posted by: Thread Lurker from Last Night at April 30, 2009 11:41 AM (6kXbn)

151

Joe, some more:

And since it's an emergency. An emergency! (But there's no need to panic) We'll just run tests on the blood for HIV after the fact. I mean, I've had five Mexican blood injections just today, and I don't feel like I've got AIDS.

Posted by: Lee at April 30, 2009 11:46 AM (TxTIh)

152 From what I've learned in my daily security briefings, I think in three, maybe six months, we're going to look back and thank the flu virus, because at least it's keeping the nuclear armed Iranian terrorists from crossing our southern border, God love em.

Posted by: Joe "adolfo" Biden at April 30, 2009 11:47 AM (882Iu)

153 BREAKING: Joe Biden Warns of Worldwide Cooties Outbreak Among Schoolchildren; "Girls Are the Enemy, Do Not Let Them Touch You"

Posted by: Jim Treacher at April 30, 2009 11:49 AM (cvmgB)

154 Kill lice by washing your hair in rubbing alcohol and drying it over a gas burner.

Posted by: Crusty at April 30, 2009 11:52 AM (GvSpB)

155 *golf claps*

Posted by: di butler (New and Improved. Now with 20% more boobs!) at April 30, 2009 11:55 AM (qPIRP)

156 Swine flu's like a really bad head cold, only you die. So I got seven shots of Botox right in the forehead--kills them germs right where they live. But hey, that's just me.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 11:55 AM (lCAKQ)

157 Joe Biden reminds me of Mr. Bluster on the Howdy Doody show.  Or maybe he's Clarabelle the Clown?

Posted by: Fish at April 30, 2009 11:56 AM (CG+cG)

158

Mark my words...Mark my words. In the first six months, the world is gonna test this clean, articulate, virus-free young President. They're gonna test 'im. But somebody's gonna have to tunnel down to the middle of that Andromeda Strain secret bioweapons lab to tell me about it, 'cause that's where ol' Joe'll be, suckers.

Speaking of, you know, in that movie the only people that survived were the coughers. I think you know what that means, folks--- cough! Cough like the wind!

Posted by: Joe "Cuffy" Biden at April 30, 2009 11:59 AM (uOvAE)

159 Well, Matt, lemme tell you: Things get bad enough I'll pust out my over-under (man, I love that sweet little thing) and open up like a zombie flick. But that's just me. Truth is, we got Air Force One enroute to Mexico City right now. This bug is testing Barack something fierce, and we may have to nuke the region from orbit--it's the only way to be sure.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 12:00 PM (lCAKQ)

160

When Joe said:   All conservatives are rotten bastards that should be shot...

that is not what he meant. What he meant was:  he looks forward to working  in a bipartisan manner with his good friends in the republican party.

Posted by: Robert Gibbs at April 30, 2009 12:01 PM (QE45j)

161
There is no swine flu threat!

Posted by: Michael Moore at April 30, 2009 12:02 PM (cEE8N)

162 Dig my new call letters. Wonder if I can get that by the DMV?

Posted by: mrobvious at April 30, 2009 12:02 PM (lCAKQ)

163 I swear, the world could be ending, and you morons would want us to post about our tits. You'd think that was the most important thing in the world! Uh, did I really just post that last part? Nevermind.

Posted by: di butler (New and Improved. Now with 20% more boobs!) at April 30, 2009 12:04 PM (qPIRP)

164 I swear, the world could be ending, and you morons would want us to post about our tits. You'd think that was the most important thing in the world! Uh, did I really just post that last part? Nevermind.

Posted by: di butler (New and Improved. Now with 20% more boobs!) at April 30, 2009 05:04 PM (qPIRP)

That rant is worthless without pictures.

Posted by: Pretty Much Any Moron at April 30, 2009 12:06 PM (6kXbn)

165 Destroy all the pig farms.

Nuke the entire state of Iowa...It's the only way to be sure!

Posted by: Slow Joe at April 30, 2009 12:13 PM (MHx40)

166 That rant is worthless without pictures.

Seconded.

Posted by: Schlippy at April 30, 2009 12:15 PM (9GaPd)

167 I didn't meant subways...I meant Subway Sandwich Shops....cause of the Mexican's working there.  You CANNOT go to a Subway Sandwich Shop unless you have a slight Mexican accent ... I'm not joking. 

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 12:22 PM (ZPwZl)

168 This administration is working hard to prevent swine flu outbreaks in all 57 States of America.

Posted by: Barack 'and everybody wondered why I named Joe VP' Obama at April 30, 2009 12:22 PM (W7nzI)

169

So I was out golfing with my good friend Johnny Bender, went to school with him, great family, and he brought along a doctor friend of his, Jugdish Patel, something like that, I couldn't pronounce it again if you gave me a bottle of scotch anyway.

Nice enough guy, don't get me wrong, but I didn't feel like riding with him in the cart, if you know what I mean. As a good Catholic, I offered him a couple rolls of toilet paper, just so he could, you know, make use of it, sometime, in that fashion.

I thought it was a nice gesture, a good friend of mine, Bill Lewis, once told me I had bad breath, so he gave me a Tic-Tac. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Well, he got a little offended, but I told him, I don't want that goddamned bovine flu he was passing around. And he was a doctor dammit! He should know better.


Posted by: Rev. Dr. E. Joe Buzz Biden-Miller, PhD, DO, MD at April 30, 2009 12:24 PM (XZS9v)

170 Joe Biden was just asked by ABC News if he was familiar with  Ace of Spades use of the term squeakhole?  Joe said it was a term of endearment he frequently heard at Kay's Diner.

Posted by: Fish at April 30, 2009 12:27 PM (CG+cG)

171

Oh jeez, this was a great post. LOL!

 

BTW if I stay home from work will I get a bailout? God love ya, I could use a cool million or two!

Posted by: PJ at April 30, 2009 12:29 PM (FG8qn)

172

I can't wait for Ace After Dark again, myself.

Tonight: the men describe their penises. Out motto is Trust, but Verify.

Posted by: Who Knows at April 30, 2009 12:33 PM (7FgWm)

173 Quiznos are fine.
But you must avoid Subways at all costs.
'Cause you know where all the Mexicans work, right?
Right?

Posted by: Joe Biden de Blog at April 30, 2009 12:36 PM (fnU+z)

174

Look, the best defense is a good offense--what I would tell my family is to go out and find the biggest pig you can find and fuck the crap out of that thing, I mean really give it the 'ol pushin'.

The flu will never see that coming and you'll be perfectly protected from the damn swine....now farmer's, that's another thing, so try and be steathy...and tell the pig you will call it tomorrow...maybe have lunch or something.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 12:36 PM (Vt8uv)

175

Warning!  If you contact the swine flu you will start looking like this: http://tinyurl.com/cro373

or this: http://tinyurl.com/cqvmgs

God help ya!

Posted by: J Biden at April 30, 2009 12:39 PM (penCf)

176

Look, I had this mexican food once, I think it was some kind of burrito or something, not sure what those guys call their food. It's not steak and it's not a nice casserole, that's for damn sure.

Well, jeezis christ, not ten minutes after I ate it, I tell ya, I was on the toilet for weeks. It must have been some kinda flu, a Mexican flu or something.

My good friend Jerry Oliver ate the same damned thing, not a scratch. Now what the hell is that?
 

Posted by: Rev. Dr. E. Joe Buzz Biden-Miller, PhD, DO, MD at April 30, 2009 12:40 PM (XZS9v)

177

Joe Biden, M.D.

A new series premiering this fall on NBC.

Posted by: jaleach at April 30, 2009 12:42 PM (gHrZU)

178 A few years back, a friend of mine showed signs of swine flu while we were duck hunting. I put an end to that nonsense right-quick.

Posted by: Dick Cheney at April 30, 2009 12:51 PM (gEsIJ)

179 What to do if ya already got the swine flu?  For the fellas,  golf tee in the pee hole and loads of clothes pins attached to the ol' scrotum.  'Bout 25 or so usually does the trick.  Then sit still.  You'll sweat it out a lot faster this way.  It's like the ol' Indian sweat lodge we used to do on the weekends in Scranton.  Only there were hookers...  ugly hookers that would do stuff to your squeak hole.  Crazy stuff.  Bill really loved that shit.  But hell,  I've probably said too much.


Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 12:54 PM (0kuJD)

180 Like I was telling my good friends down at Katy's diner,"Gird your loins people! ...and ask your friends if you can gird their loins, or the loins of your neighbors, your postman, your boss's wife--I know Obama has received several offers from Chris Matthews to have the Presidential loins girded....it's fun to say loins."

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 12:56 PM (Vt8uv)

181 176

Warning!  If you contact the swine flu you will start looking like this: http://tinyurl.com/cro373

or this: http://tinyurl.com/cqvmgs

God help ya!



Un-holy shit.  Give a fella a heads-up before ya post that nasty.  Now my pecker's an innie.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 12:57 PM (0kuJD)

182 If I don't turn off my sock puppet now, I'll forget.

Posted by: Cincinnatus at April 30, 2009 12:58 PM (K5AMb)

183

We owe a huge debt--of gratitude--to Barack Obama.

He gave us Joe Biden.

An apparently endless source of entertainment.  Endless, I tell you!

Vice President?  More like Court Jester.

The man's a comedic genius.

Posted by: tsj017 at April 30, 2009 01:05 PM (TV9JE)

184 Hell,
I'm not worried about the swine flu. I'm more worried about dying from laughter with all these "Joe Biden" comments.

Industrial strength hilarity.

I give this thread 5 out of 5 stars

Posted by: Boeing at April 30, 2009 01:08 PM (YaBmG)

185 If Joe "International Man of Mystery" Biden says it's so, then By Golly I believe it! We DID whip Hezbollah's butt in Lebanon, and drove them out! And never had to squeeze a single one of them for info, either!

Posted by: CoolCzech at April 30, 2009 01:18 PM (iafWn)

186

That's Duct Tape.....

Hey, that can't be the real Joe Biden posting. The real Joe would have called it "Duck Tape".

Posted by: andycanuck at April 30, 2009 01:18 PM (MGu62)

187

When i was back in college, did my Undergrad work at Delware, and spent some time in Mexico helping the children on a Catholic mission through St. Agnes. great church, good people, good folks.

The kids down there were nice enough, but christ, the people down there are just awfully dirty, awfully dirty. You should see it. I bought them some Brut aftershave just so I could get some goddamn sleep! Could not find a decent cup of Joe either, I don't know what it is with those people, but they can't make coffee to save their lives. I think that commercial with that Juan guy is just bullshit, just bullshit.

It's no wonder they get sick, they haven't learned basic American hygiene. We need a bill, and, lookit, if George Bush hadn't liked those people so much, maybe we could have told them to clean up their act. If I caught my kids rolling around in the muck like the adults down there, I'd tan their asses, I am telling you. In fact, I did get into a fight in downtown Tijuana. I beat the tar out of this fella who reminded me of a guy who served me a bad egg sandwich once in Wilmington.

 

Posted by: Rev. Dr. E. Joe Buzz Biden-Miller, PhD, DO, MD at April 30, 2009 01:23 PM (XZS9v)

188

Late night tv, Jon Stewart.........Listen up.

Yes, you CAN have Barack and Joe humor, but you'll never, ever do it as good as AoSHQ.

Some of you guys and ladies here should be paid for this. Thanks for the laughs.

Posted by: Who Knows at April 30, 2009 01:29 PM (7FgWm)

189

"A little help please. Barack just asked me how you say "swine flu" in Mexican. Anyone know?"

 

No, but in Austrian it's "Schwein Schnitzel."

Posted by: PJ at April 30, 2009 01:33 PM (FG8qn)

190

Everyone said we would have a black President when pigs fly....

100 days in and we now have swine flu...

I question the timing

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 01:37 PM (Efq1G)

191 When I was in the home depot just chewing the fat with the boys it occurred to me as I walked through the plumbing fixtures that the very best thing you can do is build a family sized sauna in your home.  That's right, build a sauna.  Building a sauna accomplishes many things 1. you buy products to build that sauna 2. you hire a carpenter 3. you hire a plumber 4.  you save yourself and your family from the flue germ cause you can all get in the sauna, once it is built, turn it on and ill all those flu germs!  It is a win/win for everyone.

Posted by: your pal joe "the number two" at April 30, 2009 01:38 PM (zplc6)

192

Did you know they name Swine Flu in honor of the Dear Leader in recognition of his creation/saving of 60 million jobs?

 

Would you believe 6 million?

Posted by: Honest Cloud at April 30, 2009 01:38 PM (0Qynq)

193 187 "That's Duct Tape....." Hey, that can't be the real Joe Biden posting. The real Joe would have called it "Duck Tape". Posted by: andycanuck at April 30, 2009 06:18 PM (MGu62) Duck Tape is no laughing matter!

Posted by: Outraged Duck at April 30, 2009 01:38 PM (iafWn)

194 Quack!

Posted by: Outraged Duck at April 30, 2009 01:38 PM (iafWn)

195 You know how you get the swine flu?  Hanging out with pigs wearing lipstick.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 01:39 PM (oLULt)

196

Lookit, I'm not one to deprive people of having fun and enclosed, confined space, hell, I was in the Army, Special Force Recon Unit Texas Integer Spike, and spent a lot of time with the blacks and the Mexicans, and probably a lot of other creeds that I have no clue about, ok. Spent a lot of time with them in choppers, triple dueces and armored carriers.

But if you were to tell me that there was some kind of Mexican flu, I wouldn't be surprised. You should have seen what those guys would eat! I saw a fella once eat a tongue. No kidding, a tongue, and this stuff with the eating intestines...what the hell, I told my good friend Jack Stevenson over drinks one time that I heard if you ate the intestines of a cow, you would get a virulent strain of whooping cough.

So I am really not surprised that there is a flu going around at all. Good thing I don't have any Mexican friends. Well, Barack is black, and I like him, I just wish he'd bathe a little bit more. he has a little stench about him.

You know his wife doesn't shave her legs, seriously. Her legs look like Earl Campbell's legs. Can't tell the difference between her and my good friend Bill Bergey close up either. Scary woman.





Posted by: Rev. Dr. E. Joe Buzz Biden-Miller, PhD, DO, MD at April 30, 2009 01:39 PM (XZS9v)

197 Swine fleu.

Posted by: Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau at April 30, 2009 01:49 PM (y4UcI)

198 And I was the idiot VP?????

Posted by: Dan Quayle at April 30, 2009 02:04 PM (2ocJB)

199

"And now, it's time for Health Minute with Joe Biden, brought to you by the makers of Haldol.

Haldol: Because you never know when you might be a heartbeat away.

"Hey, gang--Joe Biden here. Today I gotta load a tips for you on dealing with that Mexican pig virus, the swine flu. And you can do all of these at home, too, because if you leave your house without good reason during a pandemic, your eyeballs will melt and run down your face like twin runnels a demonic snot and you'll scare the crap outta the kids, God love ya.

Anyway, the swine flu, or as we in the Situation Room like to jokingly call it, Invisible La Migra--is spread by contact with droplets from infected people.

So, the question is, is anyone you know leaking inappropriately? Snotty nose, tears, abnormal amounts a drool, more than two shakes at the john, runny ear wax like you might get from an improvised ear cleaning experiment involving Schweppes and a kitchen funnel gone bad, but not that, because you promised your wife you wouldn't try stupid shit like that anymore?

If they are, time to don your home-made hazmat suit and get to work. As you can see here, I made mine outta Saran Wrap, electrical tape, cottonballs and pipe cleaners so you can breath through it and stop the little Latin bugs from gettin' past the lips. And God knows I like to flap mine, right? As they used to tell me growin' up back in Scranton, "Geez, Joe, shut the hell up--that's creepy. And stop playin' with your toes in class."

The good news is, you can make it with stuff lyin' around the house. Anyway, I'm puttin' the suit on now.

[Unholy sound of twisting and rubbing plastic.]

[Muffled voice.] OK, as you can see, it's on now. Wow, this is snug. Not to mention hotter than hell. Man, I'm already startin' to sweat. Right down there by Big Joe and the twins, too.

Anyway, now it's time to put on the wife's extra set a cosmetic gloves to protect your hands. OK, all ready. Now you grab four cans a Play-doh. Why Play-doh? First, it's fun. Reminds me of watching Gumby and his dog growin' up, and the dog would say "I need more blood, Gumby" or somethin' like that. Hilarious!

Second, you use the Play-doh to cork up the openings where the discharge is coming from. Then you grab your duct tape and a straw. You duct-tape up your friend/relative/stranger, stick a straw in their mouth and toss them into the crawlspace or garage and leave 'em there until the flu's over. You feed 'em soup through the straw, but make sure it's something clear like tomato soup 'cause I just tried this with Arlen Specter and found out that chicken 'n stars will clog it and they'll never stop bitchin'.

Anyway, that's all the time we have now. Next time, we'll discuss eldercare and pet grooming during this end-times plague-thing we got goin' here. There's ways to combine it to save time, and I'll show you how.

Until then, I'm Joe Biden, reporting from an undisclosed location and remember: Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Posted by: Health Minute with Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 02:08 PM (F2nxI)

200

#200 borrowed from here, with permission.

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Posted by: Health Minute with Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 02:14 PM (F2nxI)

201 This is basically what I said to my brother the other day after reading the "Biden has breakfast with the Clintons" article.  Someone's gotta babysit Joe to make sure he doesn't try to like the outside of his elbow in front of cameras.

This looks an awful lot like that's what he's trying.

Posted by: SombraStewart at April 30, 2009 02:18 PM (D9DyR)

202

Check out this fucking idiot at US News, with a goddamn bowtie, and of course, he quotes Ezra Klein, who has such a great point. No, you guys are totally impartial...but Joe Biden might have a point, yep, sure.

http://tinyurl.com/ca6zpw

Remember that Onion piece on what would happen if Barry murdered two people? the news coverage...

It was not satire, evidently.

Posted by: Rev. Dr. E. Joe Buzz Biden-Miller, PhD, DO, MD at April 30, 2009 02:20 PM (XZS9v)

203

I got to this late and don't have time to read the thread cause I have to get back to work, so apoligies to anyone who may have thought to this before, but . . .

How about Ted Kennedy's pro-life remedies for unwanted preganacies?

Posted by: Captain Ahab at April 30, 2009 02:28 PM (ewXBY)

204 How about Ted Kennedy's pro-life remedies for unwanted preganacies? Posted by: Captain Ahab at April 30, 2009 07:28 PM (ewXBY) I think I saw that, in the automotive section at Borders...

Posted by: CoolCzech at April 30, 2009 03:00 PM (iafWn)

205

Hey friends, Billy Mays Joe Biden here.  To protect yourself and family, you must have the Biden Family face protector.  Ergonomically designed from Papa Biden's medically approved device laboratory. 

Call today, just $19.95 for 40 face protector's.  If you call in the next hour, I will send you double the order.  80 face protector's for just $19.95.  And, because of my commitment to America, if you call within the hour and say Joe sent you, I will reduce the price to $9.95. 

Call now to protect your family.  Operator's standing to take your call.  God love you. 

Posted by: Fish at April 30, 2009 03:12 PM (CG+cG)

206 Restaurant quality thread. "Golf clap"

Posted by: Dick Nixon at April 30, 2009 04:23 PM (Vnv8/)

207 Joe Biden is America's secret weapon. 

Posted by: Purple Avenger at April 30, 2009 07:05 PM (9Zeza)

208 I will have sweet dreams thinking of old Arlen with a straw taped in his mouth, slightly clogged up with Chicken 'n Stars. That cracked me up. Morons in fine form, the whole thread.

Posted by: di butler (new and improved! With 20% bigger boobs!) at April 30, 2009 09:11 PM (qPIRP)

209 By ANDREW O. SELSKY, Associated Press

MEXICO CITY – Mexico's chief epidemiologist, Dr. Miguel Angel Lezana, accused the World Health Organization of being slow to respond to the country's warning about a health crisis that turned into a global swine flu scare and called for an investigation. His center alerted the Pan American Health Organization on April 16. Eight days later the World Health Organization said it was "very, very concerned". A WHO spokesman said April 25 that the health body was not informed until April 24 that there was a new flu strain when it learned of the new virus from U.S. authorities.

Posted by: easter bunny at May 01, 2009 02:02 AM (F1b/5)

210 Swine Flu Origins? Maybe not Mexico. Maybe Dreams From My Father? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY-bqsxC1AA

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211 Biden should be worried more about snipers. It's funny that, the day after this flub, the White House announced that Biden will travel to Bosnia, Herzegovina, Serbia and Kosovo on the week of the 18th this month.

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