September 28, 2007

Claim: Tom Cruise Spending $10 Million To Build Bunker To Protect Against Intergalactic Attack By Vengeance-Seeking Xenu
— Ace

Further proof Tom Cruise is a fucking retard, RobG sluglines his email, and I can't do any better than that.

Hollywood star Tom Cruise is planning to build a bunker at his Colorado home to protect his family in the event of an intergalactic alien attack, according to new reports.

The Mission Impossible actor, who is a dedicated follower of Scientology, is reportedly fearful that deposed galactic ruler 'Xenu' is plotting an evil revenge attack on Earth.

According to American magazine Star, a source said: "Tom is planning to build a US$10 million bunker under his Telluride estate."

"It's a self-contained underground shelter with a high tech air purifying shelter."

The facility is said to have enough room for ten people - including wife Katie Holmes, 17-month-old daughter Suri and his adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12.

Now that that's out of the way, his spokesman denies the story, stating Cruise isn't building anything at all beneath the property, and I have to say I believe the spokesman.

Mostly.

Posted by: Ace at 10:04 AM | Comments (71)
Post contains 204 words, total size 1 kb.

1 You're all on fucking notice.

Posted by: Xenu at September 28, 2007 10:08 AM (omkIU)

2

Does the bunker have room for me?


Posted by: Oprah's Couch at September 28, 2007 10:10 AM (omkIU)

3 How about me?

Posted by: Nicole Kidman at September 28, 2007 10:12 AM (I+jPP)

4 dadgum you lauraw, hahaha, lol, teehee

Posted by: pajama momma at September 28, 2007 10:13 AM (Tbl5c)

5 we all know it's you rosetta and there's no room for you!!! *kicks rosetta out the bunker door*

Posted by: pajama momma at September 28, 2007 10:14 AM (Tbl5c)

6 help me

Posted by: Suri at September 28, 2007 10:15 AM (R8+nJ)

7 *kicks rosetta out the bunker door*

save it for the insult thread, pjm


Posted by: OregonMuse at September 28, 2007 10:21 AM (AU9SU)

8 oh my bad

Posted by: pajama momma at September 28, 2007 10:23 AM (Tbl5c)

9 There wasn't supposed to be anything under The Greenbrier Resort either.....

Posted by: natesnake at September 28, 2007 10:23 AM (YcXTT)

10 Hey, I'm not rosetta or lauraw.

Posted by: Nicole Kidman at September 28, 2007 10:24 AM (I+jPP)

11 There's something under the Greenbriar resort?

Posted by: funky chicken at September 28, 2007 10:25 AM (I+jPP)

12

help me
Posted by: Suri


Hahahahaha!


Posted by: Rosetta at September 28, 2007 10:27 AM (omkIU)

13
I hope he stocks his Bunker with plenty of nutritious placenta.  yum yum.  It's the taste sensation Tom goes cRaZy for.

Posted by: Electric Ferret at September 28, 2007 10:30 AM (+seyu)

14

This is the gayest thing I've ever heard.


Posted by: L. Ron Hubbard at September 28, 2007 10:31 AM (omkIU)

15

Of course there is nothing under The Greenbrier....


*looks over shoulder*


Posted by: natesnake at September 28, 2007 10:31 AM (YcXTT)

16 Anyhow, If I'd made $200,000,000 playacting I'd definitely build a massive underground complex with all kinds of cool stuff.  I'd want turret-mounted .50 cal weapons to shoot trees and elk and bears and shit too.  Xenu?  Not so much, but from what I've read about Scientology, if I ever see him/her/it (?) I'll definitely shoot first and ask questions later.

Posted by: funky chicken at September 28, 2007 10:31 AM (I+jPP)

17 placenta  ewwwwwww

Posted by: funky chicken at September 28, 2007 10:32 AM (I+jPP)

18

Hey, I'm not rosetta or lauraw.


sorry I was talking about xenu and oprah's couch, not you nicole


Posted by: pajama momma at September 28, 2007 10:33 AM (Tbl5c)

19

Project GREEK ISLAND?  I have no idea what you're talking about.


*sweats profusely, looks over shoulder again*


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Greenbrier


Posted by: natesnake at September 28, 2007 10:36 AM (YcXTT)

20 Based upon my calculations of sightings gleaned from the several tabloids, TC is in Colorado approximately 3 days out of 365. Which means that, on a cost/benefit basis, TC's bunker is a really, really stupid idea. 

Posted by: Alec Leamas at September 28, 2007 10:37 AM (bflEi)

21 Alec, you beat me to it.  Damn you.  Damn you to hell.

Posted by: CUS at September 28, 2007 10:42 AM (bbXZq)

22

17 placenta  ewwwwwww


Great with fava beans and a nice Chianti.


Posted by: Insomniac at September 28, 2007 10:43 AM (UYKDB)

23

Is there room for me?


Posted by: The "Don't Taze Me, Bro" Guy at September 28, 2007 10:43 AM (omkIU)

24 I don't know. Some nutjob is pumping $10M into the economy. I imagine some construction workers and other tradespeople are being paid. And maybe he'll choose to stay down there permanently, which would be an added bonus, except for poor Suri, of course.

Posted by: John F Not Kerry at September 28, 2007 10:46 AM (4gHqM)

25 Even though it's a well-established fact that Tom Cruise is a loon, it'd be good if we could get some independent verification on this story.  After all, the main source appears to be the Star, a supermarket tabloid that makes the National Enquirer look like high-qualilty journalism by comparison.


Posted by: OregonMuse at September 28, 2007 10:47 AM (AU9SU)

26

Imagine surviving WW3 or some other apocalypse and then having to share the planet with Tom Cruise. 


Posted by: John Galt at September 28, 2007 10:51 AM (A5mvC)

27

BOO!!!


Ha ha ha ha ha ha, you Pussy, Tom.  I'm already here!  IN YOUR HEAD! 


Posted by: Xenu at September 28, 2007 10:53 AM (gzbD0)

28

Yeah, but we sure as hell are far better with facts than the NYT. 


By the way, does anyone have Elspeth Reeve's email address?  Heard she was looking for a new job.


Posted by: Star Editors at September 28, 2007 10:55 AM (1AOJB)

29 Don't audit me, bro!  What did I do?  WHAT DID I DO??!!!

Posted by: The "Don't Taze Me Bro" Guy at September 28, 2007 10:57 AM (UYKDB)

30 You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous.

Posted by: Iceman at September 28, 2007 10:59 AM (omkIU)

31 Did it ever occur to you that maybe we're the retards and Tom Cruise is a fucking TOP SUPER GENIUS?




























Well, okay,  it never occurred to me either

Posted by: Kasper Hauser at September 28, 2007 11:01 AM (KeOQp)

32 Wasn't me, PJM, but I laughed my ass off too.

Posted by: lauraw at September 28, 2007 11:01 AM (P1UKF)

33

Why don't you just leave him alone.  He earned his money the honest way and he can spend it however he wants.  You're probably just jealous that you don't have a bunker.


Plus none of you know we won't be attacked.


Posted by: Guy who starts arguments over everything at September 28, 2007 11:02 AM (omkIU)

34 And another thing, what with all the shit going on today--the War, the Campaign, Caveman: the Series, maybe Earth could use a good intergalactic alien ruler.

Posted by: Kasper Hauser at September 28, 2007 11:04 AM (KeOQp)

35

So we have 2 Cruise stalkers here.


My grandfather's second wife made him build her a bomb shelter in the late 50's...in East Bumfuck, NC.  She was too old to worry about being gang raped in a black uprising.


Posted by: Ralph L at September 28, 2007 11:04 AM (xMcER)

36

Don't audit me, bro!  What did I do?  WHAT DID I DO??!!!


Hahahahaha!!  This is good Friday afternoon stupid.


Posted by: Rosetta at September 28, 2007 11:05 AM (omkIU)

37

Oh THIS is good.


Posted by: Rosetta at September 28, 2007 11:07 AM (omkIU)

38 Who the hell is Tom Cruise?

Posted by: 5'8" at September 28, 2007 11:10 AM (omkIU)

39

Tom Cruise may be a little...crazy. But he's one fine actor. Also he's loaded. Shit, I'd be happy to put up with all the alien shit if he'd let me hang out with him and live the high life. 


I've always wanted to live in a bunker too.


Posted by: Infidelsalwayswin at September 28, 2007 11:15 AM (uPF/6)

40 Oh lauraw ASSGERBIL!

Posted by: pajama momma at September 28, 2007 11:18 AM (Tbl5c)

41

They are strange, strange people. The chiropractor I worked for and his people that owned him were scientologists.


If we did something wrong at work we got what was called a



DEV-T
Developed Unnecessary Traffic (Scientology) and we had things like wearing hats and they even sent my girlfriend and I to a whole clinic thing in oregon for 3 days. I'm guessing for brainwash. No worky


 


Posted by: pajama momma at September 28, 2007 11:24 AM (Tbl5c)

42 This is the best country in the world.

People with more money than brains are free to waste it any way they see fit, and the rest of us are free to mock them every way we see fit.

And hell yeah, if I had that kind of money, I'd never leave my secret compound.

Posted by: Heather at September 28, 2007 11:25 AM (yG+tb)

43 Cruise is an idiot.  When the alien invaders come, the Deros hiding in their vast subterranean tunnels will start drilling up to the surface, and anyone in any kind of underground bunker will be the first to be carried off down into the darkness!

Posted by: Trimegistus at September 28, 2007 11:38 AM (jQlIa)

44 Bunker = Beard

Posted by: kevlarchick at September 28, 2007 11:50 AM (TNuqz)

45 Building a $10M underground bunker to protect against the return of the evil alien overlord Xenu is just weapons-grade insanity.

However, spending 30% or more of your limited lower-middle-class take-home income to stockpile equipment for the inevitable zombie apocalypse is just....prudent planning.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at September 28, 2007 11:56 AM (tVbxd)

46

When the alien invaders come, the Deros hiding in their vast subterranean tunnels will start drilling up to the surface, and anyone in any kind of underground bunker will be the first to be carried off down into the darkness!


Oh Fuck ! That gives me a strange feeling of Deja Vu. What is it? What could... Uh oh, Tim Robbins is calling. Hold on...




Posted by: Tom Cruise at September 28, 2007 11:56 AM (x0jT7)

47

People with more money than brains are free to waste it any way they see fit, and the rest of us are free to mock them  to grab as much of it as possible every way we see fit.


 


 


There , that makes more sense .


Posted by: Bill D. Cat at September 28, 2007 12:16 PM (uOuIl)

48 Oh, come on, you morons!  You all know you're doodling bunker designs on those cheap cocktail napkins at the Stroll On Inn right now!

Posted by: ushie at September 28, 2007 12:17 PM (8nB5X)

49 MY imaginary bunker has 2 adorable cubbyholes for my cats.

Posted by: ushie at September 28, 2007 12:18 PM (8nB5X)

50

Sure he is not building one, hint hint.


I thought that after WWII, like during the Cuban Missle crisis, that a lot of people built bomb shelters but did not tell neighbors or anybody for fear that others without shelter would try to get in.


Tom just doesn't want any uninvited guests in his luxury bunker when our new alien overlord Xenu arrives.


Posted by: Gunstar1 at September 28, 2007 12:20 PM (zh8i1)

51 I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords.

Posted by: Insomniac at September 28, 2007 12:27 PM (UYKDB)

52

Tom Cruise? 


I'll be in my bunk (er).


Posted by: Ralph L at September 28, 2007 12:29 PM (xMcER)

53 You all know you're doodling bunker designs on those cheap cocktail napkins at the Stroll On Inn right now!

Doodling? That's for dilettantes. CAD all the way, baby.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at September 28, 2007 12:32 PM (tVbxd)

54 Is that some kind of joke?  Is he really that befuddled?

Posted by: jeanie at September 28, 2007 12:38 PM (xkyhP)

55 My bunker will contain a goodly supply of monkey urine.


Posted by: OregonMuse at September 28, 2007 12:39 PM (AU9SU)

56 Enough to see me through any crisis.


Posted by: OregonMuse at September 28, 2007 12:40 PM (AU9SU)

57 So back off, all of you!  Get your own monkey urine!


Posted by: OregonMuse at September 28, 2007 12:41 PM (AU9SU)

58 It's been downhill all the way since he danced in his underwear in Chicagoland.

Posted by: ricpic at September 28, 2007 12:56 PM (tng3f)

59 Remember the days when RO'D had a man crush on TC?

Posted by: Editors at September 28, 2007 01:19 PM (1AOJB)

60 Eww, how fake was that?

Posted by: Ralph L at September 28, 2007 02:22 PM (xMcER)

61 South Park: Trapped in the Bunker.

"Tom Cruise, come out of the bunker!"
"No!"

Posted by: Kaitain at September 28, 2007 02:23 PM (4ep6C)

62 Aw, come on. Tom Cruise is the biggest gift to the media since the Republican President. (Although, I guess he pre-dates this one.)

You can make up ANY kind of crap about him, say it's 'cause he's a Scientologist, and you're on your way to the top.

Suh-weet.

Posted by: moviegique at September 28, 2007 03:13 PM (1y5Vr)

63 This is serious! What did you think caused that mysterious burst of radiowave activity from three billion lightyears away? Xenu's coming for Tom Cruise!

http://www.theregister.com/2007/09/28/super_radio_burst/

Posted by: mark at September 28, 2007 03:41 PM (Ehp6F)

64
Yes, when the aliens come and lay waste to our technology, our agriculture, and our very way of life.

The first thing we're going to need to begin our civilization anew are .....

wait for it.....



Actors.

Posted by: TheSev at September 28, 2007 04:18 PM (bajTN)

65 Jeez, I build a nuke proof wine cellar that sleeps 10 and people think I'm some kinda nut. 

I got an expensive wine collection, it needs to be protected against nuke attack, and I see no reason why it can't double as the guest suite.

Posted by: Tom Cruise at September 28, 2007 04:25 PM (iuG/e)

66 This is a MUCH better website:

www.tomcruiseisgay.com

Posted by: thebronze at September 28, 2007 04:36 PM (8zsLf)

67 I'll be in my bunk - indefinitely.

Posted by: A different Tom Cruise than the last one at September 28, 2007 07:28 PM (4gHqM)

68

I'm going down to sw Colorado next week for vacation. I have told co-workers that I'm going for the scenery and camping and stuff, but you guys should know the real mission: to rescue Katie and Suri. If I can just get them to Grand Junction and get 'em on a plane, then I can fight the final apocalyptic battle with Tom and his criminal Scientologist gang.


WHO'S WITH ME?!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhhh..............


(crickets)


 


What the fuck is wrong with you guys?!?


Posted by: Barry in CO at September 28, 2007 09:25 PM (kKjaJ)

69 Or this one:


www.tomcruiseisacouchjumpingqueer.com

Posted by: thebronze at September 29, 2007 07:54 AM (8zsLf)

70

Then and Now:


Robert A. Heinlein thought that atomic war was imminent in the early 50's. He did a lot of research, and found the spot least likely to be attacked, and most likely to survive a lot of alpha fallout. Then he built a nice, compact ultramodern home there.


Heinlein was smart, and government research proved him out. That's why the US Air Force Academy now occupies the site of Heinlein's house. Heinlein, an Annapolis man, was highly unamused.


That was then. Now? Tom Cruise.


  


 


Posted by: comatus at September 29, 2007 09:36 AM (VjNM6)

71 You all are being blind. What if Cruise wants protection for his family from terror attacks, but doesn't want to admit to his Hollywood buddies that he thinks that "terrorists could actually be a threat"?

Blame it on Xenu. Then he's a silly boy they can work with, rather than an insane conservative they have to blackball.

Posted by: A Guy at October 01, 2007 07:41 AM (KqaNf)

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