July 31, 2006

Bulwer-Lytton Awards For Internet "Slash" Fan-Fic
— Ace

Hokay. The Bulwer-Lytton Awards were established to recognize the worst opening lines in published fiction.

"Slash" fan-fic is a type of lunatic Internet twaddle in which writers, so to speak, write obscenely sexual porn about people from TV shows and movies. For some reason, a lot of women geeks write it, and for some other reason, they seem to prefer homosexual liasons between male characters. The shorthand "slash" derives from their indication of who is involved in the sexual doings: Gimli/Legolas, James Bond/M, etc.

And they seem to have a particular hard-on for "Kirk-slash-Spock" couplings.

Anyway, Something Awful has looked for the worst opening lines in "slash" fan-fic. Content warning, obviously. I don't think there's anything worse than this:

Lennie Briscoe had a case, a case that meant the difference between the bad guys going to jail for a very long time and the perps walking on a technicality, but standing between Briscoe and Justice was DA Jack McCoy and the only way to get him to press charges on the suspects was to make the DA [orgasm] harder than he ever had before, which wasn't an easy task when you had A-list [fellatrices] like, Lt. Van Buren, who had been known to ride a stiff at a crime scene until it came back to life.

Lennie Briscoe.

For the love of everthing holy, the man is dead.

I sort of doubt the physics of using a hobbit as an inserted sexual device, but apparently one can do so, even "until only the little manlet's feet dangle[] out."

I would propose a contest along these lines, but it would be far too depressing and creepy.

Scott sends this homoerotic, Abu Ghraib style "slash" coupling:

Surely there must be an injunction against this in Leviticus somewhere.

Something needs to be done.


Posted by: Ace at 05:17 PM | Comments (16)
Post contains 310 words, total size 2 kb.

1 "I would propose a contest along these lines, but it would be far too depressing and creepy."

Much like this post I'm guessing.

How about a contest for the most random and inappropriate blog post?

Posted by: thelinyguy at July 31, 2006 05:26 PM (7xc/4)

2 Published fiction dose that mean AL GORES eco-babble book EARTH IN THE BALANCE and BILL CLINTONS exaeration MY LIFE? SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK

Posted by: spurwing plover at July 31, 2006 05:29 PM (vnSBY)

3 linyguy,

what makes it appropriate? It's weird and deviant and sexual. And it involves sci-fi characters.

Pretty much stock in trade for this blog.

Posted by: ace at July 31, 2006 05:37 PM (h7Mal)

4 ...And Snowball rubbed his snout against Napoleon's glistening belly. Snorts of pleasure pealed against the dew-covered barnyard. Boxer awoke, having slept where he finished dragging a two-ton granite statue of Napoleon hewn with cleverly engineered chisels. He trodded over to the quickening pair...

Posted by: Tom the Pooklekufr at July 31, 2006 05:47 PM (j+jUc)

5 "what makes it appropriate? It's weird and deviant and sexual. And it involves sci-fi characters.

Pretty much stock in trade for this blog."

That was my point Ace, I was praising through damning. You hit all the requisite categories, which makes it a pretty damn solid post. If there were a contest for such, it would be a front runner.

If I want deep thought with actual propriety I'll go to Captain's Quarters or something.

Posted by: thelinyguy at July 31, 2006 06:28 PM (7xc/4)

6 That photo reminds me of the first time I found AOSHQ, I also found somethingawful.com on the same day. I took my laptop to work and read the archives on both sites, and literally had huge sobbing tears runniing down my face. Good stuff. On aos, the Gannon comments when gannongate was in full effect, and the "cheating in sports" photoshops at somethingawful. I was just going through my separation from my wife, and I hadnt laughed that hard in months. Thanks ace.(and somethingawful)

Posted by: The Drizzle at July 31, 2006 06:36 PM (ggiWs)

7 Something Awful once described a short story of mine as "the worst thing ever posted on the Internet," a singular honor... especially since I'm still making money off it.

Feel free to figure out what it was...

Posted by: richard mcenroe at July 31, 2006 07:01 PM (Gtjz1)

8 Actually, slash-fic way predates the Internet, unless you count DARPANet. Slash is supposed to be exclusively gay, and first got started as Kirk/Spock stories. The name to the left is the "top" in the relationship.

Posted by: Cybrludite at July 31, 2006 08:23 PM (XFoEH)

9 The name to the left is the "top" in the relationship.

I think I could have lived a full and rewarding life without having to know this.

But now that I know this I suppose we can postulate that a Viking's name would always be on the left, then.

Posted by: The Atom Bomb of Loving Kindness at July 31, 2006 10:36 PM (lpnZt)

10 I think this is hilarious and definitely should inspire a contest.

Posted by: shawn at July 31, 2006 11:27 PM (gIhLq)

11 Surely there must be an injunction against this in Leviticus somewhere.

Someone being stoned is definitely involved here.


I think I could have lived a full and rewarding life without having to know this.

Make that two of us.

And that Something Awful site is aptly named.

Posted by: Sue Dohnim at August 01, 2006 03:15 AM (rE+jU)

12 Lennie Briscoe. For the love of everthing holy, the man is dead.

But worse than that, he was really, really ugly.

Posted by: OregonMuse at August 01, 2006 04:20 AM (jqv3S)

13 sounds like a new career for dr. frisch

Posted by: shedmaster at August 01, 2006 04:50 AM (NpQqC)

14 I thought it was just always understood that C3P0 and Artoo were homo for one another. An intergalactic gay (married?) couple.

I mean, that was what Lucas was going for, right?

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