July 30, 2007
— Rich "Psycho" Giamboni You know, Lindsey Lohan. That chick from that movie about the identical twins. What were their names? Oh yeah, Leftie and Rightie.
I think she did a couple of sequels, like Hey, Check Out These Fat Sweater-Pumas and Oh No, I Just Traded My Big Cans With My Stacked Mother.
The thing is, getting arrested for runnin' from the cops at 100mph all sloppy-drunk and coked-up turns out to be the highlight of this stupid whore's week. Her new movie is called Rack Attack or something.
Never heard of it? Yeah, me neither. I think that was maybe the whole idea.
The critics are calling it the worst movie of the year. Now, don't get me wrong, critics are fuckin' queers, but the fact is every single one of them goes out of their way to let you know that not only does this movie suck a rat, the girl from In Six Years These Will Be Resting On My Lap doesn't even get naked in it. And there's only like three months left to get any mileage out of those puppies.
Words like "career killer" are being used. And "uninsurable risk."
I'm no Charlie Hollywood or nothin', but that doesn't sound good to me.
— Rich "Psycho" Giamboni Keep a cold one for me in heaven, brother.
— Rich "Psycho" Giamboni
Rich "Psycho" Giamboni,
Special AoSHQ Correspondent
Big Rich here. You pansies probably know me from a piece I wrote up a while ago.
Ace is good people. We go way back. I used to make the geek do my science homework for me in sixth grade. And also some gay stuff. Not super-gay stuff or anything. Just stuff with my wiener.
That's neither here nor there. I don't have to answer your questions. I'm not the one on trial here.
At any rate, since this pussy ran off, I'm supposed to do this queer blogshit or somethin' for him. I don't know. I guess it's just posting gay shit and then making gay comments after everything like I'm Lord fucking Brucie, King of the Gaylords or something.
I don't know, sounds like a lotta fuckin' jack to me. But then, I work for a living, brother. I don't live the soft life like most of you. Most of the day I spend in the baking heat on top of people's roofs. Then I let myself in through a window and spend the rest of the day baking in their air conditioning, stealing their electronics and jewelery and baseball card collections.
When I'm not doing that I'm breeding fuckin' ferrets and training for the UFC. UFC, baby.
Am I afraid of gettin' all fucked up? No way, my little Psychomaniacs. Wanna know why? Because you can't hurt steel.
That's kind of my motto. I'm planning on getting a robe with that on it from Spenser's Gifts. My hot-ass stripper girlfriend Heather Betthany thinks it's going to look awesome.
So there you go. This soft-handed fuck "only" made 3 large last month doing all kinds of nothin' at all I'm breaking my ass trying to fence some stupid retard-kid's telescope for $10 on the goddamn curb and learn how to keep those squirmy little judo-faggots from kicking my kidneys in.
But I guess I'm supposed to cry for Fred Thompson. A boo. A hoo. A hoooooo.
Is that it? Is that all there is to this shit?
Not so hard.
— Dave In Texas O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weatherd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead
In other news, today is Mr. Paul Anka's birthday, and the anniversary of the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. Sunk by a Jap sub on it's way back from delivering the Hegemon™.
It's game over, man...game over.
This second video, I think, really captures the full range of emotions we all feel at Ace's retirement. It's sad, and yet hopeful. We know, eventually, Ace will be back...and he'll be happy to meet us.
Below...a moron's lament. more...
— Jack M. With him gone for good, I'll finally have the run of the place.
That's right! A site entirely devoted to HamNations, RedEye w/Greg Gutfeld, and my personal photo collection of one Ms. Suzanne Sena.
Onwards and Upwards! Excelsior!
.....Yeah....I'll make sure to turn the lights out when you all leave.....
Damn you, JimBimbo. Damn you to hell!
— Ace It's taken a while, but at last I have met my master. JimBimbo has defeated me. He's threatening to reveal to everyone I'll rewrite his posts to say how much he enjoys dick, and he's got some pretty incriminating evidence to that effect (namely, that I just said I would do exactly that).
Further, he's got all the screencaps of my Saving Private Beauchamp posts, and he's threatening to go public with them, unaware, apparently, that this is a public blog viewed by 15,000 or so people a day and also cached on Google. But those screencaps will be damning, somehow, or so he assures me.
I simply cannot carry on in this sort of environment where my lies and smears are so effectively exposed by this Mensa Chapter President, a man gifted with such transcendent genius that he is capable of, yes, splitting atoms... with his mind.
I blame you retards. When this subatomic psychokinetic fissionist was decimating me, where were you? Nowhere, that's where.
I don't know if you've been paying attention but we just got our asses kicked, man!
Thanks. Thanks for nothing.
Well, that's it for me. We had some laughs along the way, I'd like to think.
— Ace They're rooting for America so goshdarn hard it hurts.
In fairness, he's talking about tactical positioning and such, but one can't miss the basic admission that good news for America is bad news for the Democratic Party.
House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-S.C.) said Monday that a strongly positive report on progress on Iraq by Army Gen. David Petraeus likely would split Democrats in the House and impede his party's efforts to press for a timetable to end the war.
Clyburn, in an interview with the washingtonpost.com video program PostTalk, said Democrats might be wise to wait for the Petraeus report, scheduled to be delivered in September, before charting next steps in their year-long struggle with President Bush over the direction of U.S. strategy.
Clyburn noted that Petraeus carries significant weight among the 47 members of the Blue Dog caucus in the House, a group of moderate to conservative Democrats. Without their support, he said, Democratic leaders would find it virtually impossible to pass legislation setting a timetable for withdrawal.
Many Democrats have anticipated that, at best, Petraeus and U.S. ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker would present a mixed analysis of the success of the current troop surge strategy, given continued violence in Baghdad. But of late there have been signs that the commander of U.S. forces might be preparing something more generally positive. Clyburn said that would be "a real big problem for us."
If there was some caveat to the effect of "Of course, this would be wonderful news for the country," the Washington Post reporter seems to have forgotten to write it down.
Thanks to.... sorry, I saw it in a thread, forget which one.
— Ace Just wondering what your favorites are.
I mention this because I've been wanting to comment on the superb psued "Thebronze," which, unless I miss my guess, is a reference to slang for cops in Mad Max.
And also-- roc ingersol, a reference to Galaxy Quest.
"THE Bruce Dickenson" was always a smile, too, but he's not around much anymore.
Oh... I have to give a shout-out to my old college roommates. steve_in_hb isn't a cool name, but another roommate decided to be funny by calling himself not_steve_in_hb, prompting a third roommate to go with the very fun neither_steve_in_hb_nor_not_steve_in_hb.
That last one almost provokes me into convulsions.
Quick, stick a wallet in my mouth.
— Ace Patterico link, feel free to hit it.
Yes, yes, it's just those darn uncontrollable commenters on leftwing blogs that express this level of vicious hatred. Not the bloggers or "diarists" themselves, of course.
By the way, some of you don't seem to know: "Wonkette" is no longer Ana Marie Cox. She left that gig like two years ago. It's now run by a bunch of dudes including Ken Layne who share the sensibilities of thirteen-year-old girls as well as most of the crushes.
Incidentally, one of the sissiest sissies over there, Alex Balk, seems to be going out of his way to wear his anti-semitism proudly.
Surprising: Looks... Reasonably Good
— Ace It pains me to say this, but yeah, I'd still hit it.
Bewitching minx! Out of my life, for once and for good! Begone with you and your Milf-y gedonkadonk! Darken my sexual-fantasy door no more!
Thanks to Nordbuster.
Contrary Evidence: The Britster on a strip pole (light content warning).
Eesh. Not that good.
— Ace I question the timing.
While the Democrats continue gutting earmark reform, a big fat porker is under investigation for possible corruption.
The Justice Department has been looking into the seven-term senator's relationship with a wealthy contractor as part of a public corruption investigation.
— Ace The speculation is that he's epileptic. Let me say, as an epileptic who gets grand mal seizures, he is epileptic. One seizure, maybe, possibly, it's some other malady, some acute condition.
A second one, it's chronic, and you're epileptic.
I pleaded with my doctor not to drop the dreaded "epileptic" diagnosis on me when I had my first grand mal. "Maybe it's just I haven't been eating right," I offered.
"Yes, maybe," she said. "But you know who gets epileptic seizures, by and large? Epileptics."
Having just suffered a seizure, I didn't have the mental agility to wriggle out of this logic.
I Should Say... that just because he's epileptic tests will have to be conducted why he's epileptic. It could be diabetes; it could be something terrible like a brain tumor. Or it could be mystery epilepsy. It's understood how seizures occur (back of the envelope explanation: proteins or whatsits form temporary connections between neurons, and another protein or whatsit is supposed to break those connections down shortly after they're made; in an epileptic, the breaking-down part stops happening sometimes, so every neuron remains connected and the brain lights up like a garish Christmas tree, basically burning out as every neuron keeps on firing away), but it's less well understood why it happens.
Unless there's some specific reason for it (structural brain abnormality, tumor, diabetes, etc.), it's usually just a mystery. It just happens to some people. Personally I think I got mine after having been conked unconscious by a fellow football teammate who would wind up playing for Arizona State (huge guy, hit like a truck), but then, it just might be that I was born with a screwed-up brain and it took a while to begin acting up.
And also, I guess, all the crack and amyl nitrate didn't help matters any.
In case anyone has any doubt, it is a quite livable condition if medicine can control it (which medicine can, in most cases, though it might take a couple of tries to get the right medicine to the patient). In some cases, however, it's uncontrollable by medication. By the odds, Roberts has the former sort. He also doesn't seem to have a bad case of it, having had so few of them and so late in life.
I'd also suggest Atkins for Roberts. Low-carb diets are often prescribed to young epileptics -- high carbs, high sugar meals tend to provoke seizures -- and since I've been on Atkins or semi-Atkins I've had no seizures and very few "halos" (pre-seizure like problems).
He might have to miss a hearing from time to time if he's experiencing halos. Otherwise, he should be okay.
Epilepsy is pretty inconvenient from time to time, and can play havoc on your career, but I figure a Chief Justice of the Supreme Court will get cut a little slack if he's feeling "seizury." And if he is feeling seizury-- cancel everything, take a triple dose of medicine (if not more), take a nap in cool quiet place until it passes.
I'm sure this will be disappointing news to many lefties currently speculating this may force him to resign from the bench.
In case anyone's wondering why I never said I was epileptic before... well, you never asked, did you?
I guess this is a good time to bring up my favorite epileptic joke, courtesy of neither_steve_in_hb_or_not_steve_in_hb.
Playing on the old myth that you should stick an object in an epileptic's mouth during a seizure to keep him from biting his tongue (and it is a myth -- he'll bite his tongue, and it will hurt for a week, but don't do anything that could obstruct the windpipe), everytime I so much as stumbled or spilled a drink in college neither_steve_in_hb_or_not_steve_in_hb would immediately dryly advise, "Quick, stick a wallet in his mouth."
Every time. And it just kept getting funnier.
"He's Lying About His Seizure!" This will be the claim from the left, due to early reports that he had "just fallen" and was "fine."
Having went through this myself, it's not a lie. I didn't believe I was epileptic until around my third seizure. Must just have been some particularly severe brainfart, I figured. It would pass, like a cold.
Me Too Then (or MTT, as he is now known, like "P-Diddy") is a doc (hope that's giving nothing away) and says:
Well, close enough anyway.
Yes, "epilepsy" denotes recurrent, unprovoked seizures.
And it is possible that Judge Robers had a primary generalized seizure (Grand Mal) or statistically more likely, he suffered a secondary generalized seizure (often called a Grand Mal, but actually represents something very different.)
Taking all comers, the most common cause of seizures is "idiopathic" or unknown.
And yes, most people with seizures lead completely normal lives and have their seizures controlled with medication.
The way in which you know whether or not the seizure occured before the fall is to take the history of the patient and whoever witnessed the event.
Often the witness will say that the individual may have stopped what they were doing or their behavior changed, i.e. they stared, stoped speaking, etc. and then the fall occured.
Or the patient will say they felt the seizure coming on (the prim-ictal event) and then lost consciouness.
In any case, it may be known that Judge Roberts has a seizure disorder and that this is "no big deal."
On the other hand, if this seizure is symptomatic of something else, then it could be significant.
Hope that's helpful.
— Ace Olbermann video (this is the finger I flourish when I air unhinged conspiracy theories).
Andrew Sullivan -- Ron Paul supporter, natch -- has had a colorful and far-ranging history of "just airing" crank conspiracy theories in the past. So far, we've witnessed him claim:
* Cheney intentionally shot his friend in that "so-called hunting accident"
* Bush manipulated the timing of the arrests in the SkyBomb case, in order to distract from Ned Lamont's primary victory over Joe Lieberman (a primary he had already won, by the way -- wouldn't it have been more helpful to Lieberman to time the arrests before the primary election?)
and of course
* Cheney and Rumsfeld conspired to deliberately lose the war against the insurgency in Iraq in order to prove their belief that nation-building doesn't work and the military shouldn't be doing such a thing
Well, if you've gone that batshit bugfuck crazy, I guess it's hardly a stretch to imagine Cheney ordering the hit on Tillman. If you're going to deliberately murder 3500 US troops, what's one more? (That's a link to the Malcontent, by the way, not Sullivan; click guilt free.)
Allah... points out Sulivan doesn't expressly blame Bush or Cheney as culprits. (Neither did Malcontent say this, by the way; the gloss is mine.)
He claims instead that the "increasing sectarianism" of Bush's army might have caused soldiers in a religious fervor to murder the "proudly atheist" Tillman.
When Allah wrote to me, I said "Yes I know" and also "Bullshit," because this is the thinnest of veneers to provide plausible deniability for what he really believes and what he really means to insinuate.
Again: Someone who believes Cheney murdered 3500+ US servicemen in order to prove his point about nation building cannot possibly believe He Who Cannot Be Shamed would have any hesitation about ordering a hit on Tillman just to keep him from meeting Noam Chomsky.
(BTW, as a reader asked, "Why not just kill Noam Chomsky?" Indeed! Cut out the middleman! Chop off the head of the snake!)
Cheney deliberately shoots his friends in the face with a shotgun, after all -- apparently just to let them know not to cross him.
Either way, the jerkoff is mindinsane. As it stands, he's accusing Rangers, serving in Afghanistan, of murdering the "proudly atheist" Tillman in some state of bloody religious rapture. Soldiers, it seems, are given to murdering fellow soldiers who don't share their religion.
Really? I can think of one recent instance of this, but it didn't involve a Christian angry about an atheist.
Why soldiers in Afghanistan give two shits about Tillman's beliefs about the war in Iraq (as the main line of the conspiracy theory goes) is quite beyond me.
— Ace Newbusters is annoyed they don't ask him about his over the top liberal partisanship.
I have a better subject for CNN to ask him about:
1) Does he support the war in Afghanistan?
2) If so, why hasn't he enlisted his chickenhawk ass already?
Odd that this never, ever seems to occur to a liberal.
Anyone Know His Email? It doesn't seem listed on HuffPo.
I'd like to thank him for his heroic service in Afghanistan.
— Ace Despite the fact that he claimed to have recused himself from all FBI-related votes.
Culture of corruption, not that the MSM notices much when it's on the D side of the aisle.
Meanwhile, Senate "negotiators" have managed to negotiate out all of the barely-adequate reforms they previously voted on, as seen here in this PDF comparing what had been previously agreed to and what the currently negotiated version is.
Hmmm... the Democrat-controlled Senate negotiated away every halfway meaningful earmark reform measure... must have been a tough negotiation! I'm sure they fought tooth and nail to retain these provisions, but somehow they got taken out by... somebody. Not them, of course. They did the best they could.
That's from a Senate aide who has reviewed the new Comprehensive Earmark Reform Piece of Shit.
Critics worry the reforms will not be aggressive enough, but the agreement, if passed, would mark a significant victory for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California.
Democratic leaders have not released the new proposals details, and that has some Senate Republicans -- and nonpartisan interest groups -- worried that its language was watered down in final closed-door negotiations. [That's exactly what happened; see above -- ed.]
Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.), a key player in the negotiations over the bill, expressed concern that the leadership is hoping to push it through both houses before the scheduled August recess begins Friday.
Once again, Sen. Reid appears to want to ram a secret bill that is several hundred pages long through the Senate without a full debate and the chance to offer amendments, DeMint said in a statement Saturday.
Already, the Democratic majorities have weakened a provision that would require lobbyists to disclose how much cash they raised on behalf of candidates. Sitting lawmakers now would have to report only twice a year, rather than quarterly, how much lobbyists raised for them and only if the amount is over $15,000 per six months, rather than $5,000 as originally planned.
DeMint and nine other Republicans, including Sens. John McCain of Arizona and Olympia Snowe of Maine, sent a letter to Reid on July 20 asking him to reconsider reported plans to curtail debate and amendments on the new package.
[DeMint] fears that the leadership will claim reform but the language is going to basically gut the whole provision.
They're going to try to ram this Piece of Shit through tomorrow.
More... At NZ Bear (whose bullet points I find more readable than the chart I was sent) and Hot Air, which points out that the guys who will be certifying whether everyone is properly reporting their earmark requests -- the guys you'll just have to trust on earmark integrity -- are, get this, Robert "King of Pork" Byrd and Harry "Shady Land Deal With Political Supporter" Reid.
Both of these guys have been anti-reform from the outset-- they want that sweet, sweet K Street money flowing in after years of not getting what they think is their proper share of it -- and now we're supposed to believe they'll be hawks on their colleagues' earmark
Robert Byrd, incidentally, has certified himself as having disclosed all earmarks. A public interest watch group notes he's "forgotten" to mention at least $7.5 million in earmarks.
So, you know, he's a real bear on the subject.
— Ace Just wanted to acknowledge that many libertarian readers are disagreeing with me, or at least stressing that what I described below is a narrow subset of Libertarians.
Watcher of Weasels says I'm not talking abut true libertarians, but those who would use state power to impose a supposedly "libertarian" order. Ends-libertarians, he calls them, which he doesn't believe are real libertarians (which are means-libertarians).
GD says I'm describing Objectivists, not libertarians.
Well, in fairness, I kept saying "many" libertarians are this way and specifically noted that many aren't. I'm specifically talking about the personality type attracted to libertarianism as it gives them a sort of philosophical justification for acting like an asshole all the time.
OregonMuse cuts me deeply by suggesting "self-besmittenness" is a made-up word of Beauchamperian pretension. I like to think of it as more of a nonce word, a term I found when I was looking up "portmanteau" to see if I was using it properly. (Status: Unsure.) While doing that I stumbled across this wiki debunking of the old claim that Eskimos have sixty-three bazillion words for snow.
Okay, Okay: Gekkobear and Dave in VA are still pissed off, which wasn't my intention. I guess broad-brush attacks pushing forth stereotypes of large groups of people sometimes don't quite have the nuance one wishes.
Again, if I didn't say "many libertarians" every single time, I apologize.
If Gekkobear and Dave in VA (and Phinn, and Watcher, and GD, and etc.) don't know exactly what I'm talking about and exactly who I mean (do I need to be so impolite as to name names?), well, I'll tell them via email.
You guys are libertarians-- are you really telling me you don't know exactly the personality type I'd describing? You haven't been annoyed by this sort yourselves?
One More Try: I really did mean that part about my humor being of the pandering variety -- and this whole libertarian rant was intended to be of that sort, too. I guess I didn't give it much thought, because I figured everyone -- including libertarians themselves -- would be on board with it.
I'm describing a sort of self-identifying "libertarian" drawn to the philosophy less by ideology and more by personality type -- the contrivedly contrarian sort, the spotlight dancer, the kind of person who always wants to set themselves apart and draw attention to themseves by saying patently absurd or offensive twaddle (like, for example, if parents don't want their chilldren viewed as sexual objects, they ought to just stop having kids).
As I said, if I'm not describing you, I'm not describing you.
And, not to get myself into trouble, but I endorse Rocketeer's corollary -- If you don't even know who am I describing, then odds are I am, alas, describing you.
If the sort of aggressively transgressive and caclulatedly contrarian and spotlight-seeking shock-the-bourgeoisie behavior I've described doesn't strike you as annoying or objectionable, but just the way a hip and happening person should behave, well, I guess I am describing you.
And I'd say further: Please stop. You're fucking annoying.
— Ace Seriously. He builds big but very lightweight mobile walking sculptures driven by wind alone.
Bonus Odd Video: In Japan, a dropped third strike home-run.
Actually I guess it's an error. But he does go all the way home.
Thanks to RobG.
(Not a passed ball, I guess, as I first wrote. To be honest, I forget what a passed ball even is. I just know it's one of the seven ways to get to first base (not including an eight-pack of delicious Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers, of course)).
— Ace Not to be glib, but you fuck with a man's ride and you're looking at a world of hurt.
A college student was arrested Sunday in the slashing of 42 tires on 13 government vehicles in an Army recruiting office parking lot, saying he was angry about the war in Iraq, authorities said.
The man put up his hands, dropped a knife and, after being made to lie on the ground and being read his rights, asked, "Is this the time where I can confess?" deputies wrote.
On a portable breath test, his blood alcohol level registered .168, more than twice the legal threshold for intoxication, according to the report.
He told deputies he decided to slash the tires of Army recruiting vehicles because he "hated the military and the government and the war we were in."
He won't do a day of actual time (beyond time served, I mean). It has long been the rule that the left can commit whatever acts of violence or property destruction they like if their precious consciences demand.
Thanks to Tracy.
— Ace FoxNews is stressing it is their belief he was only taken to the hospital as a precaution. But obviously is semi-serious if he's in the hospital at all.
Update: Shep says the word from Washington is that "he's fine."
In related news, Democratic Underground and Daily Kos comment threads are expected to shortly be using the words "die," "death," and "kill" more frequently than the Zodiac killer's cryptograms.
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