July 29, 2006

Sit on This [Retired Geezer]
— Ace

Disclaimer: Dragonflies are Extremely Dangerous.
Please don't try this without medical personnel standing by.
It's a well-known fact that all of the male commenters at Innocent Bystanders are White-Hot Crimefighting Thugs.
And all the IB Babes are... well, Babes.
We're all comfortable with our budding sexuality.
That being said, I was wondering:
Is it gay to post a picture of a bug sitting on your finger?
I don't think Ace has ever done it.
Handblogging went over pretty well with the IB visitors.
I fully expect Dave in Texas to belittle this.
Just consider the source... he can't even make his Dog sit.

I can usually entice Dragonflies to sit on my finger.
Sometimes even birds.
Showgirls, not so much.

Posted by: Ace at 03:52 PM | Comments (46)
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Six Shot At Seattle Jewish Federation (Stickier than Michael)
— Ace

***Even more Updates by DDG (John) after the bump

Any guesses?

Six people were shot - one fatally - this afternoon at the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle by a man who told a witness he was upset about "what was going on in Israel."

And by "what was going on in Israel," of course he meant the proliferation of underground canasta clubs.


"We believe it's a lone individual acting out his antagonism," said David Gomez, who heads the FBI's counterterrorism efforts in Seattle.

And the Jeep Jihadi was just a lone individual testing out his four-wheel drive.

Authorities did not release any details about the alleged gunman and would not discuss possible motives.

The lack of details about the gunman and the refusal to discuss possible motives tells us all the details about the gunman and all the possible motives.

So I appreciate the candor.

"There's nothing to indicate that it's terrorism related," Gomez said.

Nah, except, you know, the actual terrorism of the act.

Well, I'm stumped. I guess it's just one of those mysteries that can never be really solved.

PS: They were all women, and one was pregnant.

This word "Holy Warrior" you keep using. I donnah think it means what you think it means.

And Speaking Of Lone Individuals Acting Out Their Antagonisms... Cynthia McKinney down by 25 points in new poll.

Logic Quotient Update: Sobek's previous post about this lacks all logic, as he should have deduced that, given my preference for old stories, I'd be covering this eight hours later.

Again, people: logic. Look into it. Occam's Razor. Set theory. Stuff like that.


Posted by: Ace at 03:00 PM | Comments (86)
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Humans Are Bigger, Healthier -- Michael
— Ace

No, not compared to our ancient ancestors, but compared to our great-great-grandparents 100 years ago. Nor are we talking about gradual, marginal improvements. Our species has undergone radical change in the last century. In the mid-1800s, the norm was to contract some kind of debilitating illness in your forties and die in your fifties. Not so any more:

New research from around the world has begun to reveal a picture of humans today that is so different from what it was in the past that scientists say they are startled. Over the past 100 years, says one researcher, Robert W. Fogel of the University of Chicago, humans in the industrialized world have undergone “a form of evolution that is unique not only to humankind, but unique among the 7,000 or so generations of humans who have ever inhabited the earth.”

. . .

The biggest surprise emerging from the new studies is that many chronic ailments like heart disease, lung disease and arthritis are occurring an average of 10 to 25 years later than they used to. There is also less disability among older people today, according to a federal study that directly measures it. And that is not just because medical treatments like cataract surgery keep people functioning. Human bodies are simply not breaking down the way they did before.

Even the human mind seems improved. The average I.Q. has been increasing for decades, and at least one study found that a person’s chances of having dementia in old age appeared to have fallen in recent years.

Better diet, you're thinking, and better medical care.

It's more than that.


Posted by: Ace at 09:18 AM | Comments (33)
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Sigh: Mel Gibson In Vicious Anti-Semitic Tirade After DUI Bust
— Ace

We defended him. We appear to have been chumped.

TMZ has learned that Deputy Mee audiotaped the entire exchange between himself and Gibson, from the time of the traffic stop to the time Gibson was put in the patrol car, and that the tape fully corroborates the written report.

Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me."

The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"

At least he was polite enough to ask if the guy was a Jew.

Some small amount of humor can yet be found in this distasteful episode:

A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

He always seemed like a cool guy, and apparently he's Jerky Boyz fan.

But it appears the charges of anti-semitism levelled against him were quite accurate. This provides quite a bit of context for his opposition to the Iraq War, as we all know Jews manipulated us into that.

It doesn't, however, denigrate the power of The Passion of the Christ, which many people love. (I was bored and found it repetitve and overly violent myself; not that I object to violence per se, but I thought the repetitiveness of the flailing, for example, tended to reach a point of diminishing returns, and then take one out of the experience by reminding one one was watching a movie.)

A work, I think, should be evaluated on its own terms, without too much of the filmmaker's beliefs brought into the evaluation.

But yeah: Gibson does, in fact, seem to have a major league issue with Jews.

And he doesn't appear to be a big fan of women in positions of authority, either, unless one construes the "sugar tits" line as an attempt at a compliment.

Note: I always thought the South Park guys were being uncharicteristally PC/CW (conventional wisdom) oriented when they went after Gibson for being a maniac Jew-hater. I was suprised they so uncritically embraced the left's caricature of Gibson as nutty anti-semitic conspiracy theorist.

It seems the South Park guys were tuned in to the scuttlebutt around Hollywood and were actually parodizing Gibson in a way they knew, for unpublicized reasons, was quite fair and accurate, and yet which went unreported by the celebrity press.

Addendum: I guess it sounds funny to say the celebrity press had dirt on Gibson that "went unreported," when they went after him hammer and tongs.

What I meant was though they went after his dad's not-really-relevant expressions of anti-semitism, there were not, as far as I saw, an reports of such statements comng from Gibson himself. I assume that Hollywood reporters must have known he'd made such statements -- this stuff doesn't come out of the blue, nor go unnoticed -- but that sources refused to say anything on record about it because Gibson has so much power in Hollywood.

Amost as much power in Hollywood, as a matter of fact, as the average Jew you see walking by you on the street.

Another Addendum: While it seemd the press was being unfair to Gibson by going after his dad's quotes, it now looks like they should be defended.

It could be the case they knew these things about Gibson personally, but no sources would even allow the information to be used on deep background -- because they figured Gibson only said these things to a select group of people he trusted, and even being quoted on background would, inevitably, throw the suspicion on themselves.

So, they knew something they couldn't prove directly. They therefore did what they could to prove it, by indirect evidence and, yeah, by insinuation.

Still, it explains why the press was so gung-ho to pin this particular charge on Gibson.

And... I hear that Juan Cole just went on to Amazon and ordered all of Gibson's old movies, from Gallipoli to Bird on a Wire to, yes, even Conspiracy Theory. "I have a newfound respect for this daring artist," he was quoted as saying on his Amazon order form.

This very funny thread of Jewish Conspiracy Theories is being re-linked in honor of Mel.

PS: I'm not back, I still quit, this still isn't fun anymore, so the guest bloggers can and should (if they'd be so kind) continue posting.

I'm just posting every once in a while, which is what people do when they quit.

Posted by: Ace at 09:04 AM | Comments (94)
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If Any Bloggers Want To Apply Further Logic To The GG Case...
— Ace

Niko points something very interesting out. more...

Posted by: Ace at 08:42 AM | Comments (13)
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John Kerry Uses Logic At Bolton Hearins
— Ace

And by logic, I mean "disingenuousness."

He says the North Koreans did not process plutonium in violation of the Carter-Clinton "solution" before Bush drove them to do so.

A report says they processed 25-30 kilos of plutonium by 1999.

Posted by: Ace at 08:35 AM | Comments (6)
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Why Mommy is a Democrat -- Sobek
— Ace

Littledemocrats.net has a showcase for a children's book called "Why Mommy is a Democrat." That should come in handy, if Democrats ever stop killing their unborn children.


Hat tip Oregon Muse. more...

Posted by: Ace at 07:16 AM | Comments (24)
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Confirm me now bitches [John Bolton]
— Ace


All right Senators, quit screwing around. There's killin needs to be done, and I'm ready for a permenant pass. You pansies listen up to that fancy Harvard lawyer and confirm my ass right the hell now.

And guess what? It wasn't a manila file folder I threw at that bitch in Russia. It was a stapler. Swingline 700 baby. I tagged her ass too, right in the back of the head.

UPDATE! Caption contest?

I'm sorry Kofi, I can't hear you over this, what the hell is that? One of those change separating machines?

Posted by: Ace at 06:45 AM | Comments (29)
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The Newest Ace of Spades Guest Host -- Oliver Willis
— Ace

Just in case anyone was wondering how much you have to bribe an Innocent Bystanders guest blogger to get Ace's log-in I.D., the answer is $20.00.

Posted by: Ace at 06:32 AM | Comments (14)
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My Name is BrewFan, and I'm a Retard -- BrewFan
— Ace

Hi everybody, my name is BrewFan, and I'm a retard. Actually, you know the phrase "giggling like a retard"? That phrase came about because other retards giggle when they think about how retarded I am. That's pretty darn retarded, I'd say.

I like to make jokes about diddling Michael's wife, but let's be honest -- I'm such a moron that even if she gave me a shot at the title, I'd probably end up trying to stick it in her nose or something. Yes, I am that retarded.

You know, now that I think about it, maybe Ace should have taken precautions to make sure the Innocent Bystanders commenters had their individual blogger identities, instead of having to manually type in their names every time.

Posted by: Ace at 06:29 AM | Comments (11)
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I Know John From WuzzaDem, And I'm No John From WuzzaDem.
— Dave From Garfield Ridge

Hey John. How ya doin' pal? I guess I remembered I too still have posting rights here at Ace's.

Well, at least until Ace see this post.

Anyway, I figured I'd post here just to say hello to everyone while the Innocent Bystanders crowd entertain you all, like some blogging improv troop. They're like the Upright Citizens Brigade, but with 100% less Amy Poehler. Who, by the way, is 100% less hot than Rachel Harris, but that's because Harris has funky glasses, and she has heat vision.

Comparison 2.jpg
Who's with me here? Anyone?

Of course, I couldn't possibly put up a posting without some links back to my crapblog, as it's always about the marketing. Especially when my crapblog gets 1,600 hits a day, and this moronblog gets *20,000*. The only other thing I know that gets 20,000 hits a day is Ace's crack pipe, so color me impressed.

Here's an "old" but disturbing commercial for Adidas called "Pink." Yeah, it's got a girl being covered in pink. . . stuff, but that's not the freakiest part-- it's how the pink teddy bear comes alive and walks around, sorta like that detergent bear, only evil. Or, more evil. Because that Snuggle bear is REALLY evil. If that Snuggle bear ever got the chance, it'd eat you, and everyone you care about.

Did you hear that Lindsay Lohan got scolded by the production company of her latest film? They called her a "spoiled child," which are words I would not have chosen. I would have gone for "spoiled f'ing brat who smells like cigarettes, Red Bull and broiled tilapia," but that's because I don't placate.

A study shows college kids can handle their liquor. Now, if only we could handle college kids.

And finally, one of the most popular YouTube videos out there right now demonstrates just how stupid kids can be. Especially kids with motorscooters.

Anyway, to all the crazy Innocent Bystander kids, good luck, have fun, and remember: this guestblogging at Ace's thing won't result in a damn lick of sustainable traffic for your own blogs, so don't get your hopes up that you're accomplishing anything other than washing Ace's balls while he sits at home all weekend watching the World Series of Poker.

Dave at Garfield Ridge

UPDATE: Dammit, I just cockblocked Dave in Texas with the Lohan post-- scroll on down to here. Sorry 'bout that, pal.

Ace's Edit To Prevent Embarrassment To Dave:

Hi, I'm Dave At Garfield-Ridge. That thing about Lohan I just posted? It's old.

Dave's Edit To Shut Ace Up: Dude, I had the posting on my site last night. You know, when you were having your little inside-baseball blogger wars with people none of your loyal readers ever bother to read.

Also, you smell like ham.

Posted by: Dave From Garfield Ridge at 05:42 AM | Comments (27)
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Ace Laughs; Paul Sulks -- Michael
— Ace


It's actually at artist's guess at what two new species discovered in Thailand might have looked like.

By MICHAEL CASEY, AP Environmental Writer
Fri Jul 28, 6:59 PM ET

BANGKOK, Thailand - Scientists have identified two ancient reptiles that swam in icy waters off Australia 115 million years ago, researchers said Friday. They are among the first of their kind to be found from the period soon after the Jurassic era.

The discoveries — dubbed Umoonasaurus and Opallionectes — belonged to a group of animals called plesiosaurs, long-necked marine reptiles that lived during the time of the dinosaurs.

Researchers, led by paleontologist Benjamin Kear and a team from the University of Australia and South Australian Museum, identified the new species after piecing together fossils from 30 individuals collected from an opal mine in the past 30 years.

Like certain bloggers, these critters were nasty. One was a vicious killer:

Umoonasaurus was a rhomaleosaurid, a kind of plesiosaur that was the "killer whale equivalent of the Jurassic" period, Kear said. It was distinguished by its relatively small size of less than 8 feet long and three crest-like ridges on its skull.

"Imagine a compact body with four flippers, a reasonably long neck, small head and short tail much like a reptilian seal," Kear said.

Does that not sound like Ace?

The other species was a fat boy that picked on small prey:

Opallionectes was also a plesiosaur, but much larger — about 19 feet long with masses of fine, needle-like teeth for trapping small fish and squid. Its name means "the opal swimmer from Andamooka."

"It's a missing link between older forms of the Jurassic period found in England about 170 million years ago and the much younger ones found in Antarctica and Patagonia which are about 65 million years old," Kear said.

AP - Scientists identify 2 ancient reptiles

Posted by: Ace at 05:19 AM | Comments (10)
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Re: Your Brains -- Sobek
— Ace

Do you like zombies? Of course you do. Do you like songs about zombies, sung from the perspective of the zombie?

Of course you do.

And yes, I realize that Dave linked this 23 days ago (and that I also stole the whole "of course you do" line), but let's be honest -- if I want people to actually see the video, I need to link it here.

Because seriously, Dave? You don't get nearly as much traffic as I do, now that I'm riding Ace's coattails.

That's right: I disparage low-traffic blogs, now.

Posted by: Ace at 05:06 AM | Comments (7)
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Studio Exec blasts Lindsay Lohan for "unprofessional behavior" [Dave in Texas]
— Ace

His letter doesn't even mention the rowboat incident.

In a letter to the 20 year old actress, Hollywood producer James Robinson calls her to task for showing up late on the set of Georgia Rule, another film of Lindsay's I probably won't see.

I was going to watch Freaky Friday and Herbie: Fully Loaded until someone told me she doesn't show off her cans.

Lindsay complained that the 105 degree heat and humidity gave her heat exhaustion. But the executive producer of Morgan Creek Productions is having none of that bullshit, calling her behavior "discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional." while blaming her actions on excessive partying. "You have acted like a spoiled child and in doing so have alienated many of your co-workers and endangered the quality" of 'Georgia Rule'".

Well, she is an actress.

I certainly hope the quality of Georgia Rule doesn't suffer further. Perhaps they could take a break in August. Georgia summers are a bitch.

Posted by: Ace at 04:57 AM | Comments (11)
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Beatallica: Live from Someplace that isn't Shea Stadium [Jack M.]
— Ace

Many of you are familiar with the official AoS house band, Beatallica. Their fusion of Beatles melodies with Metallica's metal have redefined the very art of rock and roll. Why, they have reached almost Justin Timberlake status as pioneering and groundbreaking recording artistes!

Up to now, on this site, you have been able only to listen to MP3's that Ace has posted. Who can forget the very first time you heard "Hey Dude"?

Or you have been able only to read the lyrics. Remember the joy that erupted when reading the lyric "hybrid children watch the sea" in "The Thing that Would Not Let It Be"?

But now? You can watch these modern day Mozarts in action. I present to you, live and in concert, in full living color, the one and only Beatallica performing their smash hit "I Want to Choke Your Band".

Beatallica: The Walrus was Paul from Wizbang!

Now if only they would play my original song, "While My Guitar Violently Beats You Until You Weep, You Wuss (Ode to Brewfan)" the world would be a better place.

And I could die happy. Like Paul McCartney in 1966.

Posted by: Ace at 03:42 AM | Comments (6)
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July 28, 2006

That's It For Me
— John From WuzzaDem

It was fun while it lasted.

UPDATE: You know, now that I think about it, it was anything but fun.

UPDATE II: In fact, if I had to describe it, I guess I'd have to say it was more like a chore.

UPDATE III: No one likes chores, right? So I guess this is a win/win for me.

UPDATE IV: I'm pretty sure "win/win" is only applicable in situations involving at least two parties, so it looks like it's just a win for me. Still...

UPDATE V: I worked my ass off for you people! more...

Posted by: John From WuzzaDem at 10:37 PM | Comments (21)
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I Know Dave From Garfield Ridge, And I'm No Dave From Garfield Ridge
— John From WuzzaDem

spam spam spam

[for God's sake, Wuzzadem, there's a reason I didn't ask you. And this sort of unhinged spam is Exhibit A.

Now if you want to discuss this situation reasonably, with reason, and logically, with logic, we can, but please take a breath.

The rest of Wuzzadem's insipid, frothing, insane post hidden past the jump to spare him from embarrassment.

PS I quit. -- A] more...

Posted by: John From WuzzaDem at 09:31 PM | Comments (44)
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Tips While I'm Away...
— Ace

...should be sent to my new gmail account, to which my moron guest bloggers have access. It is called by the easy-to-remember and quite apropos name, morontips -at -gmail dot com.

See? It's a mnemonic. What are you sending? Tips. To whom? Morons. Ergo, morontips.

I don't mind getting tips for the next few days, but I'm really trying to stay away from the computer a little bit. I'm stressin'.

So, send your tips, and pimp your blog, to the morons doing most of the posting right now.

At morontips.

Seriously. Try it. It's a real account and everything.

Note: Given the lack of reasonable reason and logical logic displayed in most commenters' comments, I have decided to begin editing them to spare the commenters any embarrassment.

I did so with the three comments to the post above; I plan to do more through the weekend.

Note that this has always been the Ace of Spades HQ comment editing policy. It's not a written policy per se, but I think it's only reasonable and logical.

Another Note: Megan doesn't think this is a good idea at all, or even close to funny. I figured it was pretty obvious where the ace edits occurred, and, as I'd noted I'd edited the posts, people wouldn't be fooled as to what was real and what wasn't.

However, I guess she makes a good point. Well, I don't know if it's a good point, but she makes it very forcefully. I think it's a bad point, actually, but she really has this commanding air about her I have trouble resisting.

So I won't do it. My bad.

Or Maybe I Will: Okay, I'm going to edit some posts to spare my cobloggers embarrassment, and edit some comments ot spare some commenters their lapses in logic and logicality and logical thought processes.

However, I'll only do it with posters I know with 99% certainty won't mind it, and I'll only do it with silly comments, not longish comments or comments during a serious debate.

Posted by: Ace at 09:26 PM | Comments (9)
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Let Us Reason With Them -- Michael
— Ace

Iranian Nuclear Facility.jpg

Tehran faces UN nuclear deadline

Iran says its nuclear programme is entirely peaceful.

The five permanent members of the UN Security Council have agreed on a draft resolution giving Iran until 31 August to suspend uranium enrichment. The draft was circulated to all 15 members of the Council and could be voted on as early as Monday.

The US envoy to the UN, John Bolton, said the Council would consider sanctions if Iran missed the deadline.

Sounds good to me. If John Bolton is on the case, we are OK.

What? There's a problem?

But Russian envoy Vitaly Churkin stressed that the draft resolution did not contain the threat of sanctions.

Mr. Churkin said it would encourage Iran to resume dialogue.

Give me a frickin' break. Exactly whose dick is Mr. Churkin going to suck to "encourage Iran to resume dialogue" in the absence of a threat of sanctions?

BBC News: Tehran faces UN nuclear deadline

Posted by: Ace at 08:14 PM | Comments (4)
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Clarification: I Did Not Threaten To "Out" Paul
— Ace

I didn't even know he was "in." His name is posted, after all.

The threat was meant along the lines of the AcePilots post-- to collect blogger's horror stories of Paul's dishonesty, stupidity, incivility, thin-skinnedness, condescension, comment-deleting, insult-spewing, and demeaning bloggers for their smaller traffic levels. (Again, I find this last one particularly delicious -- what "traffic" does Paul himself have? As far as I know he's just an idiot that Kevin Aylward misguidedly elevated to coblogger.)

My threat to make him my "next Greenwald" meant he'd be the next on my list to embarrass. Not to "out." (And note, I didn't out Greenwald either. Greenwald aready was "out." I exposed his embarrassingly vain sock-puppetry and his subsequent lies about it.)

Posted by: Ace at 07:22 PM | Comments (27)
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