May 31, 2006

Important Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic Update
— Ace

Ummm... fish tacos will be provided for free.

Though, you know, I thought the main attraction was cornhole, no?

What the hell is going on? Palmer. Cornhole. Ed Cox, who works at Dick's Sporting Goods. Fish tacos, from a restaurant called Wahoo's.

Are Ohioans this filthy, or this cluelessly innocent?

It's... like they're not even trying to hide it. They're just putting it right out there.

I think I'd rather drop my kid off for a two week slumber party with Michael Jackson.

At least with Michael Jackson, you could sue and maybe get 15 million bucks out of it.

But Carson Palmer and his gang of NFL sex-fiends have constructed a perfect legal defense: We informed parents expressly what was gonna be goin' down right in our promotional materials.

A judge would just look at these and dismiss the case. "Verdict in favor of the defendant," he would say. "It says right here you were enrolling your kid in a Cornhole Tournament. So what are you complaining about? Your whole case just seems to be sour grapes that your kid wasn't pretty enough to make it to the 'Lightning Round.' "

Thanks to Pupster.

Even Worse: I usually don't post funny sign pics, because I think a lot of the time they're photoshopped, but then, I am simply hearing too much about the widespread acceptance of cornholing in the Heartland to dismiss this out of hand.

That's from Tres. I kinda don't believe it, Tres. I keep seeing it called "cornhole," not "cornholing." But-- still funny.

Even if you are a dirty liar.

Posted by: Ace at 05:05 PM | Comments (23)
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Why Does The Unhinged Left So Hate Jeff Goldstein?
— Ace

Goldstein is, strangely enough, one of the most reviled figures on the right of the blogosphere. LGF may get death threats from jihadists, but actual American lefties seem to despise Goldstein the most.

Forgive me for repeating myself, as I so often do, in this post. I've expressed these ideas before, but, as I so often do, in a sloppy and slapdash form. I've tried to be a little more organized here. And, in case you're worried, this post isn't really about Jeff Goldstein; I, for one, cannot imagine a more excruciatingly tedius subject for an essay.

It's about the left.

Posted by: Ace at 03:00 PM | Comments (266)
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South Carolina OK's Death Penalty For Repeat Child Molestors
— Ace

It's about time.

The Supreme Court has claimed, idiotically, that only an active participation in a murder can warrant the death penalty. So, a gruesome thug who, for example, captures someone and proceeds to hack off all of his limbs -- while keeping the poor victim alive -- is not eligible for the death penalty.

Makes no damn sense. We shouldn't expand the offenses that can earn you a date with The Needle greatly, but surely there are some offenses that are so horrific they are every bit as evil as murder.

Like child molestation, for example. Especially repeat offenses of child molestation.

Let's see if the new court endorses the previous stupid precedent, or rules that it was largely dicta and confines the ruling to the specific instance (i.e., that the death penalty can't be imposed on someone only tangentially involved in murder).

In related news, Carson Palmer just announced he will no longer play any games against the Jaguars in South Carolina, stating that their "backwards ways" are not supportive of the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic Lifestyle (TM).

Posted by: Ace at 01:46 PM | Comments (48)
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Marvel "Secret Wars" Historical Reenactment Society
— Ace

Looks kinda funny. Sure wish I had sound.

Worst. Superhero costumes. Ever.

Thanks to Dawnsblood.

Eh Funny: The DaVinci Coat.

Posted by: Ace at 01:34 PM | Comments (15)
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Carter Center Received $1 Million From BinLadin Family
— Ace

Somehow Michael Moore forgot to mention those BinLadin family connections in Farhenheit: 911.

John Gibson was going to discuss this on his show today at 5:45, but that's passed, alas. There is a repeat on later tonight, I think.

Thanks to the folks at Censure Carter.

Although I prefer my own organization, "Cornhole Carter."

Posted by: Ace at 12:03 PM | Comments (50)
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Case Closed: There Is A Growing Quagmire In Iraq
— Ace

It's true. The marshes, or "quagmires," which Saddam drained in an attempt at ethnic cleansing are coming back.

Son of a bitch. That guy makes a pretty witty quagmire pun, and I'm sitting here Googling friggin' articles about cornhole.

Well. I suppose we all contribute according to our gifts.

Thanks to Dave P.

Important Update: A website is named Jim's Cornhole -- Check It Out!

I can only imagine the spam he gets.

Here's another one called CornholeParty, which I have to imagine is being monitored by the police.

Posted by: Ace at 11:22 AM | Comments (7)
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Real Headline (Honestly!): Cincinnati Crazy For Cornhole
— Ace

But who isn't, really?

Click if you don't believe me.

Cincinnati crazy for cornhole


By Gina Holt
[Cincinnati] Post staff reporter

Fill a bag... hammer... and everyone will go crazy. Crazy for cornhole, that is.

Cornhole, also known as Baggo, is being played by people of all ages in backyards, parks, church festivals and bars. It's a simple game that even children can play. ... Easier to say than do, however. Just ask anyone who has caught the fast-spreading cornhole craze.

A little selective editing never killed anyone. If it's good enough for Maureen Dowd, it's good enough for me.

Let's not get hung up on it being called "Baggo." Or even that Gina Holt is a "staff" reporter. That's just too cheap.

But I'll take this:

Ed Cox, store manager at Dick's Sporting Goods in Florence, Ky., ...started carrying cornhole about a year ago but under the name "Baggo."

For those unfamiliar with the area, Dick's is right behind Butz Plumbing, to the right of Handy's Quality Reach-Arounds.

Thanks to a poster who didn't leave a name, so I'll call her "May."

Rocketeer notes:

Cincinnati has such...strange language and traditions.

Ever order Cincy style chili? First thing they ask is, "How do you want it, three-, four-, or five-way?" Allegedly, it refers to the number of toppings you get on your chili.

What do you make of city where the following sentence is a very real possibility:

"Hey, how about a quickie cornhole while you're waiting for your three-way to come up?"


Official spiritual capital of the Ace of Spades Lifestyle (TM).

I Got A Feveh... And The Only Prescription Is More Cornhole: Cincinnati should be proud.

World's best-kept secret

West Side's game: Cornhole


The obvious question is: Why, then, would anyone want to live in Cincinnati? The answer is simple. Besides baseball, homestyle chili and flying pigs, this city has the World's Best Kept Secret.

It's called Cornhole.

I'm sold. What do apartments run for?

I was terrified about embarking on Summer Adventure No. 6, mostly because a.) Cornhole originated on the West Side of Cincinnati, which is generally any area west of I-75; b.) I am considered an East-Sider because I live east of I-71; and c.) West-Siders eat East-Siders for breakfast.

I don't care who you are, that whole paragraph is just hot.

While the game rages on the West Side, it is creeping eastward with the speed of a distracted tortoise. It must be known that many West-Siders' entire pride is rooted in Cornhole, and the word itself is plastered on restaurant marquees, telephone post signs, bar advertisements and the occasional tattooed arm.

As I drove to Whiteoak's Northside Knights of Columbus Community Benefit Center for my Cornhole debut, I promptly wondered: “Will I make it out alive?,” followed closely by “WHAT IS CORNHOLE?” I brought along my East-Side ally, Danielle Boal of Hyde Park, who also was perplexed about Cornhole and somewhat skeptical of an outing involving neither wine-tasting nor sushi.

Our afternoon tour guide was business manager Jerry Vesper, hereto referred to as “Boomie,” because that is, in fact, his nickname.

"Boomie." I wouldn't play with him, personally.

“Cornhole is big over here because so many different people can play, and men and women can compete against each other equally,” Boomie boomed.

Can they compete equally, though? Color me skeptical. I suppose on defense they might do all right, but I have trouble believing they can score as effectively as men.

Teams of two compete ...; first team to 21 points wins. A hole-in-one counts as three points[.]

Pretty much as I would have guessed.

“That's it?” I asked, relieved. “That's all Cornhole is?”

“Just wait,” said Sharon Linde, manager of Northside's weekly Cornhole leagues. “Once you play, you'll see that it's kind of addictive. But it's really fun.”

You're preachin' to the choir, sister.

And it's not just fun. It's science!

As any student of mechanics will attest, corn hole is a game of vectors, moments of inertia, and trajectories.

Anyone familiar with cornhole will attest to that. Angles are key.

The site includes this joke, too:

"What did Leonardo de Vinci say when he realized how much fun corn hole was?"
"Es a tuiza gona bona corna baggi!"

I remember reading that at some point in The DaVinci Code. The real secret of that book? It's all about cornhole.

Posted by: Ace at 10:53 AM | Comments (32)
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Tin Foil Hats Actually Increase Government's Ability To Read Your Minds
— Ace

They boost the range of frequencies reserved for government satellites.

Coincidence? I don't believe in "coincidence." I also don't believe in "gravity."

I'm a lunatic.

Thanks to Tushar D.

Posted by: Ace at 10:30 AM | Comments (16)
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Thanks, But No More Photoshops!
— Ace

At least not just of the header of the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic. If you want to do a funny spoof, be my guest.

Although I hate saying that, because then people spend time and effort on them, and if I don't like them, I don't upload them for posting, as that takes server space that isn't really mine. So people do these photoshops and then I don't post them; kind of weak.

I missed this bit the first time around:

The Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic promises to be an event unlike any other.

I think that goes without saying.

Posted by: Ace at 10:10 AM | Comments (9)
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A Very Special Message From Carson Palmer
— Ace


Carson Palmer practicing the cornhole as a USC Trojan.

Hi, folks. Carson Palmer here.

I'd like to talk a little bit about Lighthouse Youth Services. Lighthouse Youth Services is a great charitable organization, serving the state of Ohio since 1959. They've done a lot of great work with at-risk kids.

And they need your help.

That's why I began the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic. It's a great way to help out Lighthouse Youth Services and build community spirit.

Lighthouse gets a nice donation from me some of my NFL friends, and of course our corporate sponsors.

You and your kids get to meet me and other NFL All Stars. And there's free food, drinks, giveaways, and contests.

And we get to cornhole your children.

Everybody wins.

Now, we all know that kids love the cornhole. Especially Ohio kids, for some reason. Who knows why. Maybe we're all just lucky.

Some of you parents may have a problem with the cornhole. Maybe you're trying to protect them from the so-called "cornhole lifestyle." Maybe you're just worried they might be one of those kids that gets hooked on cornhole.

Maybe you're just a big buzzkill and a pill.

Who knows.

But the point is-- let's be honest here, huh? Your kids want the cornhole. And even if they don't want the cornhole, they're going to get the cornhole. It's just a matter of time.

I know what you're saying to yourself. "Oh no, not my precious little Susie!" Yes, your precious little Susie. "He couldn't mean my brave little Bobby!" I'm afraid that's precisely who I mean.

"Carson couldn't possibly be talking about Tommy, who now insists on being called 'Damian Fabulous!'" I'm especially talking about Tommy, aka Damian Fabulous.

So there it is. There's really no way to avoid the cornhole in this MTV Road Rules world. The cornhole is coming; the only question is, "With whom?" and "Will you be around to guide your child through this confusing and sometimes painful experience?"

That's where I come in.

If your child is going to get the cornhole -- and, please, seriously, grow up already; he is, she is -- it might as well be with me, Carson Palmer. I was an All-Star at USC, and last year I passed for over 2800 yards.

Or it might as well be with my good friend and New York Giants running back Tiki Barber. Last year Tikie was first in the league in all-purpose yards gained from scrimmage, plus I happen to know he's very gentle and considerate with the cornhole.

Or it maybe it could be with former Seattle Seahawks receiver and current US Congressman Steve Largeant. Steve's one of the real "good guys" of the NFL, and he'll make sure your child gets the cornhole experience of a lifeftime.

Plus, at the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic, we have mental health care professionals on stand by to help your child deal with the trauma of getting the cornhole from five-time Pro Ball starter Tony Siragusa.

Every kid who comes to the Cornhole Classic gets a free funnel-cake and a t-shirt that says "I went to the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic, and all I got was a lifetime of mental scars and sexual dysfunction."

It's free. It's fun.

And it's gonna happen anyway.

Might as well be with me. I was in the top twenty for polling for the 2000 Heismann Trophy.

Hope to see you there.

And bring your kids.


Carson Palmer


PS, First one hundred kids to show up get a free moustache ride from former Miami Dophins coach Dave Wannstadt. So come early!

Posted by: Ace at 09:06 AM | Comments (17)
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I... Ummm... Okay
— Ace

Cornhole begins at 2:30 pm sharp!

It actually says that.

Okay, admittedly, he's kinda cute. But... I don't know. I'm not saying I'm not curious, I'm just saying, I don't know, maybe I'm not ready to jump feet first into it. Maybe some light petting before the cornhole, classic or otherwise.

Carson has combined his passion for helping children with his love for one of Cincinnati’s favorite past times – cornhole – to create a unique and exciting event perfect for a corporate outing, entertaining clients or family fun.

Family fun? Granted, Thanksgiving with the parents is always kind of boring, but...

In addition to a cornhole tournament with members of the Cincinnati Bengals and many of Carson’s other NFL friends...

A tournament, now? With other NFL players? Egads.

I'll go, but I hope I don't get any big burly linemen. I'll try my luck with the place-kickers, and that's as far as I'll go.

Thanks an awful lot to Jack Straw, for making a boy's dreams come true.

No More Blegging... A couple of people sent me the shopped jpg.

Posted by: Ace at 08:26 AM | Comments (20)
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Lance Armstrong Doping Investigation Finds Armstrong Clean, French Labs Dirty
— Ace

Yup. Not only was Armstrong completely innocent of doping violations, but the French lab has been found to have been malicious and unprofessional in attempting to get the American disqualified from his victory.

You want to talk about jingoism? Let's talk about the French. At least Americans have good reason to be nationalistic.

Posted by: Ace at 08:17 AM | Comments (15)
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Jesse MacBeth Tried To Defraud VA Hospital
— Ace

...using that forged discharge sheet. And Q&O says that the feds will prosecute.

It's now officially sad.

Posted by: Ace at 08:13 AM | Comments (18)
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ABCNews: "Economy Roars, Why Don't Americans Feel It?"
— Ace

Ummm, gee, that's a tough one.

Gas prices, ABCNews' expert suggests.

Here's another theory: everyone's perception of the economy is made up of two inputs: 1, how I'm doing, and 2, how other people are doing.

People get almost all of their information about 2 from the media. Sure, people know a few dozen people, but their overal take on how the other three hundred million Americans are doing comes from the media.

And the media keeps telling them everyone else is out of work.

The media considers it one of its most important jobs to correct public misimpressions as regards matters of political import. They made sure everyone knew Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11; they even made sure every knew the "fact" that Saddam had "nothing" to do with Al Qaeda. Which wasn't true, but they felt the public wasn't well-enough informed on the issue, so they had to "over-represent the truth" on the question, as Al Gore might say.

So-- why no media effort to educate the public on how the economy's actually doing? No teachable moment here, huh?

Thanks to Allah.

Posted by: Ace at 07:06 AM | Comments (45)
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May 30, 2006

"Am I Banned?"
— Ace

Several people have written to ask if they have been banned.

Apart from the weekend where I was banning people, no. If you survived that purge, you weren't intentionally banned.

However, it is possible that you're trying to use an IP that was banned. Some companies assign different IP's at different times. Also, I tried to ban some spam IP's; I imagine that many of these are actually spoof IP's, and so I might have inadvertantly banned someone while trying to stop spam.

If you still can't post, please send your IP address to me at aceofspadeshq. That's at I'll check it against the banned list and see if it matches up.

Otherwise I'll talk to Pixy Misa. This may be some kind of giitch.

Posted by: Ace at 06:43 PM | Comments (42)
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X-Men 3 Review: Wait For DVD
— Ace

Another big disappointment from a franchise that started off so beautifully. more...

Posted by: Ace at 03:39 PM | Comments (67)
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Sensenbrenner Says "Pathway To Citizenship" Will Queer Any Deal On Immigration
— Ace

And he says it is amnesty, which it is, of course.

Although reasonable people may disagree on this, I think the main problem with the immigration plans offered by Bush and the Senate is this:

Most Americans saw the words "immigration reform" as meaning enforcing border security and allowing some legal guest-worker immigration. The idea, we thought, was no to increase the numbers of immigrants working in America, nor to increase the numbers of legal immigrants, but to regularize, legalize, and recognize some fraction of the immigrants working here already.

I didn't think "immigration reform" was going to be an amnesty, or a bonanza of new legal immigrant citizens, or a huge new number of legalized immigrant workers.

Bush and the Senate seem to think the only problem with illegal immigrants is that they're 1) illegal and 2) immigrants. So they have a solution-- we'll just make them all immediately legal, and in a couple of years, non-immigrant citizens.

Well, that does solve the problem, in the sense you won't have illegal immigrants anymore. You'll have legal citizen workers.

But that's not the way most of us were looking at the problem. We sort of thought the main problem was that we had too many low-skilled workers coming into America, displacing Americans who would otherwise be doing those low-skill jobs (as they historically have), and furthermore creating problems with public services, as they simply don't pay nearly enough in taxes to reach the break-even point as far as public services. I trust most conservatives understand that it's the rich who pay the lion's share of the taxes, federal and property and so forth; importing millions of people who pay little to no taxes, while having a great need of public services, just means that everyone else has to pay more.

I don't understand Bush's and the Senate Amnestyites' driving ambition to subsidize Mexico and Latin America by forcing the American taxpayer to pick up the tab.

Bush promised to reform Social Security and Medicare. His amnesty plan would make it worse. If legal immigration increases, that's just that much more of a drain on the already soon-to-be-bankrupt system. Young workers will pay into the system, and get paid out a bit more than they put in; you'll be paying the difference. That's bad enough, but the law generally allows every citizen to bring over his family members and then they, too, can become citizens, with all the rights of citizens. So grandfathers and grandmothers can be brought over, made citizens, and begin drawing expensive medical benefits for the elderly without having ever donated a dime to the system. Fathers and mothers can be brought over just before they reach retirement and similarly begin drawing benefits within a few years.

Furthermore, of course, Hispanics vote 60-40 Democratic. And that includes longtime Americans in the mix, who vote more Republicans. Among recent Hispanic immigrants, the numbers are probably 80-20 Democrats, at least for the first two or three generations. So, for every 1,000,000 new Hispanic immigrant citizens, we generate 600,000 or so net Democratic votes.

And don't give me that jazz about Hispanics being more "socially conservative." Fine. They're also more economically liberal, coming from nations with a socialist tradition. Anyway you slice it, they break heavily in favor of Democrats.

This is Bush's plan for a permanent Republican majority? Simply importing in millions of fresh Democratic voters every year?

Pretty soon the votes of current Americans won't count for all that much.

Posted by: Ace at 02:12 PM | Comments (55)
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Greenhouse Gas = Bigger, Stronger Poison Ivy
— LauraW.

Their title: "Greenhouse gas breeds venomous vines"

I detect no alarmism in this study whatsoever.

In the study, Mohan and her co-workers pumped extra CO2 over three large circular plots of North Carolina pine forest. For six years, the plants inside were exposed to an extra 200 parts per million of CO2 over today's atmospheric concentration of about 380 parts per million, roughly what we might expect from pollution by the middle of this century.

I hope they bought credits for all that carbon.

Mohan's experiment sought to check whether the plants shoot up in the wild, as they do in greenhouse experiments. "Yes, dramatically," was the answer. The poisonous ivies grew at double the rate of plants grown under regular CO2 levels, whereas woody species on average tend to grow around 31% faster. The elevated CO2 also created a nastier version of urushiol poison, the team showed.

Its still poison ivy, though, right? It doesn't become invisible or diguise itself as some other plant or trick me into making a big salad out of it?

As long as it still just hangs out on trees and looks like Poison Ivy and doesn't become ambulatory, I'm thinking not much has changed in my life.

I'm curious if they've tried this experiment with wine grapes yet.

UPDATE: From the comments to this post, Dave in Texas:

They pumped more of what a plant uses in photosynthesis to generate plant material and oxygen, and they GREW FASTER?
Well knock me over with a feather.

Just a heads up; Dave's expressions of surprise are sometimes not entirely sincere.

Posted by: LauraW. at 10:14 AM | Comments (62)
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Two Terrorist Bigs Nabbed In Iraq
— Ace

Quagmire One;

Quagmire Two.

And Interested Participant notes that these are only the two latest in a recent string of high-profile AQ captures.

I didn't bother posting on this, of course, because I didn't see the point. The MSM is providing virtually wall-to-wall coverage of Al Qaeda's very bad two weeks; what's the point of bloggers merely echoing what the MSM is shouting from the rooftops?

Posted by: Ace at 09:24 AM | Comments (83)
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Hoist The Black Flag
— Ace

Jim Geraghty on why you shouldn't just stay home this November, no matter how displeased you are with the GOP.

Professor Rusty Shackleford returns to discuss another one the MSM got horribly wrong.

At at 4:05 ET.

Posted by: Ace at 09:16 AM | Comments (52)
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