June 30, 2004

An Open Letter to Oliver Willis
— Ace

Dear Mr. Willis, Retard, Esq.,

Bite me.

Your Faithful Servant,

Ace

PS: I'm tired of the He Who Shall Not Be Named schtick. I'm not Voldemort and you're not Harry Potter. Are ya tryin' to deny me traffic, Odub? My traffic's higher than yours now, so you can knock it off with that nonsense.

PPS: And you should be grateful to me besides. You haven't done another one of those lame Britney Spears "fake news articles" since I humilitated you over the last one. Someone needed to tell you they weren't funny, and that task, sadly, fell to me, the internet's self-appointed one-man arbiter of not-funny.

I still haven't received a proper "Thank you" for my troubles, you ingrate.

PPPS: And I'm quite willing to end the juvenile taunting and debate your positions, the moment you actually figure out what your positions might be. Your only position seems to be that whatever Bush does is wrong, even if claiming that contradicts something you claimed just a week before. We can move past the nyaah, nyaah stage once you clearly explicate the "Willis Plan" for Iraq.

PPPPS: In fairness, I suppose I should allow that you are in an unenviable position, as you are requred to defend "Kerry's Plan," but as of yet Kerry has not told you what his plan might be.

You thus are required to defend a plan which has not yet been explained, and you don't know, yet, what plan it is you're supposed to be claiming is The Wonderfully Perfect Plan for Iraq Which Should Have Been Obvious to Anyone Who Thought Carefully About the Situation for Five Minutes But Too Bad That Bush Didn't Because He's So Damn Dumb.

Perhaps, when someone in the media actually bothers to pin Kerry down on his specific position on the War on Iraq and his specific plan for improving security there, you will then be in a better position to proclaim "Here is what I've been for all along, even though I didn't realize it before."

When that happy day arrives, I trust we will share further illuminating correspondence.

Posted by: Ace at 01:29 PM | Comments (31)
Post contains 363 words, total size 2 kb.

1 LIKE ALFREDO SAUCE TO STUPID

By Oliver Willis

As a major player in the world of internet opinionization, it is perhaps unsurprising that there are a handful of hate sites, run by people, who will not be mentioned, who don't like me.

One of their chief complaints are that I delete comments that am personally insulting. Sometimes these comments am that I are not well at conjugating the verb "to are." Usually, though, these fall along the lines of calling me "fat," "fatso," "morbidly obese," "composed primarily of saturated palm oil resin," "a bloviating, vain, human cholesterol collection pond," "a gravy-addled socialist dimwit who hatred for Bush is only equalled by his gastronomic lust for Snickers." Woo-hoo, ha-ha, witty.

I pride myself on the fact that I don't make this blog into an echo chamber. On any given day, tons of people comment here that absolutley disagree with me - and they are free to post here. And that's my point. They are literally TONS of people, outweighing me by at least three hundred or three-fifty, but I don't see making fun of their collective weight issues.

I view this site like my front porch, and according tho the local building code, that porch can only take so 100 lbs. per square foot. I don't take those kind of insults in my own home, and with the rising cost of almond bark, I can't afford to put more re-bar in the porch supports.

Does anybody know where Michael Moore and Molly Ivins buy those stylish muu-muus? Tres chic!

Posted by: iowahawk at June 30, 2004 02:15 PM (xKAPd)

2 It should be observed that whatever Kerry's plan for Iraq might have been, it has now been completely moot for two days.

So if he's waiting for the perfect moment to spring it on us, he's missed his chance.

Posted by: Aaron at June 30, 2004 02:28 PM (Zg6J9)

3 I think Kerry, like Joe Biden, is an accomplished retroactive prognosticator.

Whatever the correct plan ultimately turns out to be, Kerry will be right there to assure you he was talking all about this two years ago.

Posted by: Ace at June 30, 2004 02:39 PM (iog7U)

4 Why, Aaron, I'm surprised that you don't know his plan:

Turn Iraq over to the U.N. Yes, yes--they have a government now--but that doesn't matter. We should still hand it over to the U.N. anyway. And once we've done that, we should hand ourselves over to the U.N. In fact, all national governments should be dissolved and everyone should submit to the U.N. directly. Then "the world will live as one". Efficient and unified. Exactly like a colony of ants.

Posted by: Smack at June 30, 2004 02:43 PM (CBDWx)

5 Of course that's his plan (except when it's not). It has been all along (except when it wasn't).

Posted by: Aaron at June 30, 2004 03:13 PM (Zg6J9)

6 Well, that's his real plan. Or darn close to it anyway. The flip-flopping is purely butt-kissing for different groups of voters.

Posted by: Smack at June 30, 2004 04:14 PM (CBDWx)

7 Ace:
Not to get preachy... ok, I'm getting preachy. C'mon, Oliver Willis? That's so low-rent for you. Congratulations, you slammed O-Willis for not being funny and exposed him for the weak polemicist that he is. What's next? Kicking three-legged puppies and clubbing blind baby seals?
It's Oliver freakin' Willis for Ghad's sake. Who reads that guy? Why do you give a fradley fapp about what he says, eats or excretes? Like you noted, your traffic is way beyond his and growing. Choose your battles, man. Sure, you can rack the class nerd's head in the locker a few times but it only diminishes you. Unless of course you just want to give the guy free PR... and then I guess it works out like a charity case.

Go pick a fight with someone your own cognative size, like a Jonah Goldberg or a Nick Gillispe.

Posted by: Ron C at June 30, 2004 04:44 PM (kAAUw)

8 Stop! You had me at "Bite me".

Posted by: The Sanity Inspector at June 30, 2004 05:49 PM (+H6zn)

9 I agree somewhat with Ron C. It's like pantsing a retard.

Posted by: rick w. at July 01, 2004 01:59 AM (WGcw3)

10 "It's like pantsing a retard."

And that is....wrong, right? And certainly...not funny? Really?
I really have to spend more time with good people.

Posted by: lauraw at July 01, 2004 06:34 AM (O6RTr)

11 Not to get preachy... ok, I'm getting preachy. C'mon, Oliver Willis? That's so low-rent for you.

Thanks. I'm glad I didn't have to be the one to say it.

Congratulations, you slammed O-Willis for not being funny and exposed him for the weak polemicist that he is. What's next? Kicking three-legged puppies and clubbing blind baby seals?

Mmmm... maybe.

Choose your battles, man.

I actually have been sort of thinking this way. Honestly, Oliver Willis is a rather small target at this point. It really doesn't do me much good to have a contrived sort of "radio shock jock" feud with him.

He really does annoy the shit out of me though. And the reason I've been picking on him since this blog started is that Instapundit promoted, promoted, promoted the living hell out of him, and every time I clicked on one of his links I had to read not-funny and not-interesting juvenalia.

Ironically, though, the expression of my anger at him for being undeservedly promoted by Instapundit has kept me, I'm pretty sure, from being linked by Instapundit.

As Powers Booth said in Red Dawn: "You've got a lot of hate in you, kid. One day that hate's gonna burn you up."

I'll take your advice and cut back on mentions of Oliver Willis. (Sorry to those who want me to keep pounding him.) I might mention him if he says something particularly egregious, but I'll go back to ignoring him.

(If you didn't notice, my Willis references have become fewer and fewer until this latest episode. He really just annoyed me for criticizing Allawi for considering imposing martial law after he bitched and whined about the need for security on too many occasions to count, and probably called for something akin to martial law during the famous Baghdad Museum looting.)

Posted by: Ace at July 01, 2004 09:26 AM (iog7U)

12 Ace,

Why not consider pounding on ol' Insty for a while? After all, he's the doofus linking people like Wonkette. Anybody who can even go looking for someone like Wonkette, much less intentionally link her, has to be open to some criticism.

Posted by: Smack at July 01, 2004 12:00 PM (lpGKc)

13 vudokh gykf.

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14 I have to say, picking on Ollie the Marshmallow, or "Marshie" as I like to call him, is like kicking sand in the face of the fat kid with man-teats at the beach, someone has to do it, if for no other reason, because of that moronic smirk he wears It is the smirk of someone who is so totally wrong that he thinks he must be right. Have at it.

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