September 30, 2004
— Ace Thanks to the contributors here for getting the ball rolling. I can't credit everyone by name -- it would interupt the flow -- but suggestions are derived from the comments in this thread.
I don't suggest that anyone actually play this drinking game. It's dreadful.
* If John Kerry says "I've been very clear" on his unclear position on Iraq, sip.
* If John Kerry says "I've always maintained" this or that, chug.
* If John Kerry says "My one core principle is that I think I'd look pretty damn spiffy walking up the steps to Air Force One," ingest an entire bottle of shoe polish, "just to say you did it."
* If John Kerry says "W is for Wrong," drink.
* If John Kerry says "Q is for Quagmire," do an upside-down beer bong.
* If John Kerry says "C is for Cookie and that's good enough for me" and then begins devouring his lectern like a muppet with the munchies, get in touch with Liza Manelli's "back doctor" and claim you've got lower-lumbars in desperate need of realignment as well as a "kind mellowing."
* If John Kerry says he was a prosecutor in the eighties, take a sip.
* If John Kerry says he has served on the Senate Intelligence Committe since the eighties, do a shot.
* If John Kerry says he banged Morgan Fairchild in the eighties, quit your job and become a full-time binge-drinker -- the craze that's sweeping the nation -- because that just might get him elected President.
* If Bush appears too damn cocky by smirking, take a sip.
* If Bush appears too damn cocky by winking, chug.
* If Bush appears too damn cocky by inviting John Kerry to "pull his finger," get sloppy-drunk and begin calling up ex-girlfriends to ask them "Do you ever miss the good times, and/or my wiener?"
* If Kerry claims that Bush lacks the credibility to lead the world, drink.
* If Kerry claims that "foreign leaders support" him, chug.
* If Kerry recounts a three-way he once had with Charo and Yahoo Serious, go down to the NYU Drama School dormitory and see if you can't pick up a contact high.
* If John Kerry calls our allies a "phony colation," take a drink.
* If John Kerry calls our allies a "coalition of the bribed and the coerced," chug.
* If John Kerry calls Tony Blair "a mincing little sweetboy with a prep-school man-crush on George Bush," load up a syringe with a mixture of sodium pentathol and clarified Komodo Dragon poison and inject it directly into your frontal lobe.
* If Bush says "They hate our freedom," take a drink.
* If Bush says, "The Middle East will become safer once they get that 'whiff of freedom' in their lungs," chug.
* If Bush says, "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose" and then breaks out into the na-na-nah-nah-nah chorus from Me and Bobby McGee, coat a live parakeet in Everclear and kerosene and then swallow it whole.
* If John Kerry's skin coloration resembles that of Brian Dennehy, drink.
* If John Kerry's skin coloration resembles that of George Hamilton, chug.
* If John Kerry's skin coloration resembles that of Benjaman J. "The Thing" Grimm, use a rubber-headed mallet to pound the your genitals into a pulpy oblivion until you see the "Star-Child" from 2001: A Space Odyssey and begin whispering "It's full of stars."
* If Bush pronounces "nuclear" correctly when referring to nuclear weapons, sip.
* If Bush says "nook-lar" when referring to nuclear weapons, chug.
* If Bush avoids the word "nuclear" entirely by calling nuclear weapons "sub-atomic clusterfucking whats-its," dip a fountain pen into a cup of liquified heroin and stab it straight into your pudendum.
* If John Kerry mentions Vietnam, use an envelope to inflict a paper-cut on your tongue.
* If John Kerry says that he won't allow anyone to "question his patriotism," cut off the pinkie on your off-hand, Yakuza-style.
* If John Kerry says "As a Vietnam veteran, I won't stand here as someone who served in Vietnam having my patriotism questioned by someone who did not serve in Vietnam, and that is the lesson of Vietnam, as I learned while serving in Vietnam as a Vietnam veteran in the Vietnam War patrolling the rivers of Vietnam," take out a two-man lumberjack's band-saw and inflict upon yourself an abdominal wound the approximate severity of that suffered by Quint at the end of Jaws.
And note: Apparently the Dems are mass-emailing to rig the stupid, unscientific on-line internet polls that don't mean a thing (although the responsible media will cite them anyway, just to fill time).
American Daughter has a list of the polls that they're planning on spambombing. It's so juvenile and childish, but I guess we have to spam-bomb back.
"coat a live parakeet in Everclear and kerosene and then swallow it whole"
hahaha that is a brilliant bit of imagery!
great stuff, ace!
Posted by: Jennifer at September 30, 2004 01:10 PM (AH/Dd)
But don't try any of this at home.
Posted by: ace at September 30, 2004 01:13 PM (RGQgo)
That Star Child line had me shooting my Dominion Ale out my nose. Like a Viking.
Good stuff, and ten times funnier than the other "games" I've seen go around today.
And Ace-- I'm not just saying that because it's time for your palimony payment.
Posted by: Dave at September 30, 2004 01:18 PM (mrpxK)
Posted by: JHeslin at September 30, 2004 01:19 PM (TBnte)
There is *one* thing Bush could say that would knock me to the floor: If he ever explicitely states that he "...agrees with the John Kerry position of (pick a date)"
Posted by: JHeslin at September 30, 2004 01:20 PM (TBnte)
Posted by: eaglefan at September 30, 2004 01:27 PM (VEWdR)
In honor of the "manicure", all those playing the drinking game get to chug a shot of Jack Daniels 1 hour before the debate starts.
ACE - BTW - I don't know if I can comply with the rules. I don't have a live parrot, but my neighbor has a parakeet I can down. But that would likely be the end of my girlfriend's putting up with me, and my neighbor inviting us to their Christmas Party!! And I am out of clarified pure Komodo Dragon poison.
Posted by: Cedarford at September 30, 2004 01:31 PM (hoo48)
Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at September 30, 2004 01:39 PM (mrpxK)
Posted by: Scout at September 30, 2004 01:41 PM (ve4hB)
I think refraining from counter-spamming might actually work better. I'd like to see the talking heads say, "An online poll at XYZnews.com shows 98% of viewers think John Kerry won the debate." The more successful the spamming, the more ridiculous the result.
Posted by: DTLV at September 30, 2004 01:52 PM (KOirE)
As a pre-debate treat, Comely Miss Vipertongue, Ann Coulters column, http://frontpagemag.com/Articles/ReadArticle.asp?ID=15315, which leads off with this zinger paragraph:
Recent polls show Bush ahead of Kerry by 9 points (CBS-NYT), 6 points (Gallup) or 3 points (Zogby). One Pew poll even put Bush ahead of Kerry by 16 points. The average of national polls has Bush 6 points ahead. Apparently, just like in Vietnam, it's taken Kerry only four months to piss off everyone around him.
Posted by: Cedarford at September 30, 2004 01:55 PM (hoo48)
15 years old, at my buddy's house, first time I ever got drunk. We hit nearly every bottle in the liquor cabinet, but I distinctly remember downing most of the Creme De Menthe.
To this day, fifteen years later, I can *still* taste that stuff.
Don't do it-- your life is too important, pal.
Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at September 30, 2004 01:56 PM (mrpxK)
Posted by: Uncle Jefe at September 30, 2004 02:15 PM (xuO8w)
Posted by: Bullwinkle at September 30, 2004 02:17 PM (9KpI+)
You freakin' madman. You need a "don your depends" warning before posting this stuff. I was holdin' it pretty good till you dealt the Quint card from the bottom of the deck.
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