May 31, 2006

A Very Special Message From Carson Palmer
— Ace

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Carson Palmer practicing the cornhole as a USC Trojan.

Hi, folks. Carson Palmer here.

I'd like to talk a little bit about Lighthouse Youth Services. Lighthouse Youth Services is a great charitable organization, serving the state of Ohio since 1959. They've done a lot of great work with at-risk kids.

And they need your help.

That's why I began the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic. It's a great way to help out Lighthouse Youth Services and build community spirit.

Lighthouse gets a nice donation from me some of my NFL friends, and of course our corporate sponsors.

You and your kids get to meet me and other NFL All Stars. And there's free food, drinks, giveaways, and contests.

And we get to cornhole your children.

Everybody wins.

Now, we all know that kids love the cornhole. Especially Ohio kids, for some reason. Who knows why. Maybe we're all just lucky.

Some of you parents may have a problem with the cornhole. Maybe you're trying to protect them from the so-called "cornhole lifestyle." Maybe you're just worried they might be one of those kids that gets hooked on cornhole.

Maybe you're just a big buzzkill and a pill.

Who knows.

But the point is-- let's be honest here, huh? Your kids want the cornhole. And even if they don't want the cornhole, they're going to get the cornhole. It's just a matter of time.

I know what you're saying to yourself. "Oh no, not my precious little Susie!" Yes, your precious little Susie. "He couldn't mean my brave little Bobby!" I'm afraid that's precisely who I mean.

"Carson couldn't possibly be talking about Tommy, who now insists on being called 'Damian Fabulous!'" I'm especially talking about Tommy, aka Damian Fabulous.

So there it is. There's really no way to avoid the cornhole in this MTV Road Rules world. The cornhole is coming; the only question is, "With whom?" and "Will you be around to guide your child through this confusing and sometimes painful experience?"

That's where I come in.

If your child is going to get the cornhole -- and, please, seriously, grow up already; he is, she is -- it might as well be with me, Carson Palmer. I was an All-Star at USC, and last year I passed for over 2800 yards.

Or it might as well be with my good friend and New York Giants running back Tiki Barber. Last year Tikie was first in the league in all-purpose yards gained from scrimmage, plus I happen to know he's very gentle and considerate with the cornhole.

Or it maybe it could be with former Seattle Seahawks receiver and current US Congressman Steve Largeant. Steve's one of the real "good guys" of the NFL, and he'll make sure your child gets the cornhole experience of a lifeftime.

Plus, at the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic, we have mental health care professionals on stand by to help your child deal with the trauma of getting the cornhole from five-time Pro Ball starter Tony Siragusa.

Every kid who comes to the Cornhole Classic gets a free funnel-cake and a t-shirt that says "I went to the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic, and all I got was a lifetime of mental scars and sexual dysfunction."

It's free. It's fun.

And it's gonna happen anyway.

Might as well be with me. I was in the top twenty for polling for the 2000 Heismann Trophy.

Hope to see you there.

And bring your kids.

Sincerely,

Carson Palmer

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PS, First one hundred kids to show up get a free moustache ride from former Miami Dophins coach Dave Wannstadt. So come early!

Posted by: Ace at 09:06 AM | Comments (17)
Post contains 617 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Jeesh. If I were you I would kick over $100 to that charity before Carson Palmer personally kicks your ass. lol !

Posted by: shawn at May 31, 2006 09:21 AM (lw1AE)

2 The Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic sponsored by KY ™ Brand, and Val-U-Rite™, bringing you good old fashioned Cornholesome fun!

Posted by: Iblis at May 31, 2006 09:21 AM (9221z)

3 Carson's favorite song:
"Brown Eyed Girl."

Posted by: Bart at May 31, 2006 09:23 AM (0bmi4)

4 ok, was this really necessary?
shudder.

Posted by: jdubious at May 31, 2006 09:35 AM (Vjk2Q)

5 I confess I had never heard of cornhole. In my ignorance, I did a search and, not surprisingly, there is a, "playcornhole.org" online.

***rolling eyes***

Posted by: JannyMae at May 31, 2006 09:37 AM (LfIsL)

6 Is the winner of the tournament deemed: "The Great Cornholio?"

Posted by: Charles at May 31, 2006 09:42 AM (T7Mwy)

7 Cornholed by Tony Siragusa, or as it is colloquially called, being "Goosed by Goose".

Posted by: The Colossus at May 31, 2006 09:45 AM (N32CS)

8 I'm e-mailing this to my son, who's been quite the little wise guy lately. I was going to threaten him with military school, but this might just work even better.

It took a brisk cornholing to set me on the straight and narrow, though I didn't speak to Coach for a week after.

Posted by: spongeworthy at May 31, 2006 09:53 AM (uSomN)

9 Now, we all know that kids love the cornhole. Especially Ohio kids, for some reason. Who knows why. Maybe we're all just lucky.

speaking of the Ohio kids...

Posted by: marc at May 31, 2006 09:59 AM (oLZks)

10 It's amazing the number of people who like a little cornhole before a game. Though after waiting 15 years for another playoff game and then seeing Carson taken out on the second play, I kinda felt like I had been cornholed.

They do have lots of cornhole tournaments here in the midwest for anyone who's interested. It's either that or cow tipping.

Posted by: Ken at May 31, 2006 10:07 AM (gOnfs)

11 SC Sucks - and takes it in the cornhole.
Rock on Bruins, winner of 8 straight against the bursting under pressure trojans.

Posted by: IBPAYNE at May 31, 2006 10:09 AM (Jsl1z)

12 According to a MIT Study, wearing tinfoil on your head makes it easier for the Feds to read your mind! So the moonbats are being duped!

Posted by: Tushar D at May 31, 2006 10:09 AM (tyRhL)

13 I know what a "cornhole" is but what is a cornhole?

Posted by: darwin at May 31, 2006 10:44 AM (vLNLO)

14 Largent is no longer in congress. I know cause he was the Rep for my parent's district - I'm pretty sure he never cornholded them.

Question is, should I ask them or remain ignorant?

Posted by: Kevin at May 31, 2006 11:05 AM (h3Jtw)

15 Carson's favorite song:
"Brown Eyed Girl."


Ace's favorite:
"I'm Gonna Cornhole That Unicorn"

Posted by: TaterCon at May 31, 2006 03:43 PM (nCeBA)

16 Carson advertises a corn hole tournament, but brings his favorite fish tacos. Is he only corn hole curious?

Posted by: Pupster at May 31, 2006 03:57 PM (9h6vV)

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