Ace of Spades HQ

July 31, 2007

A New Age in AOSHQ
— LauraW.

An age without Ace. Weird.

At the HQ right now, the vodka is just about gone, and Slublog and Dave are kickin' back, watching deviant porn on what Ace used to call 'the super-mini widescreen,' which is a 21 inch Magnavox manufactured in 1974. It renders all the flesh tones an angry red-purple color. Ace liked it that way.

Jack M. and Johnny Coldcuts are just getting done having some kind of a meeting in the bathroom, as usual. Coldcuts looks pleased. I'm starting to think that may not be mayo under Jack's lip.

But I have to do something about Giamboni. He dragged his desk right up next to mine on his first day back.

Every time I go to sit down he's got his hand waiting palm-up on the cushion. And I'm not crazy about his little pet names for me, such as 'Miss Pussycat,' 'Sugarbuns,' 'Hump buddy,' or simply, 'Cootch.'

Like this morning. He strolled up to me as soon as I came in, stirring some Monitor Lizard saliva into his coffee. "Top o' the mornin', Cootch!" he roared. Dave and Slublog giggled like little schoolboys, eyes pinned to bouncing purple midget flesh.

"Stop calling me 'cootch,' you fucking psychotic retard," I reasoned. "If Ace were here, he-"

I had to stop there.
It's not really all that different around this place, to tell the truth.

Posted by: LauraW. at 05:15 AM | Comments (49)
Post contains 239 words, total size 1 kb.

Gee...I guess, where I work isn't so bad after all.

Thanks Laura!

Posted by: Paladin at July 31, 2007 05:19 AM (bWB5j)

Meet the new boss,
Same as the old boss.

Methinks it's time for Giamboni to find out how strong your kicking leg is.

Posted by: steveegg at July 31, 2007 05:20 AM (WSAWm)

3 Hell yes, it's different! Time to hoist the pink flag and begin redecorating.

Posted by: dave at July 31, 2007 05:21 AM (9OeIi)

4 Start spamming him with links to lolcat.com, Caturday on YouTube and mycathatesyou.com. That'll scare him off.

Posted by: richard mcenroe at July 31, 2007 05:21 AM (lCheg)

Hey lauraw, I was reading over the shit in the welcome packet, and I'm confused about this:

1 case Val-u-rite vodka, and a claw hammer.

Is this the part of the dental plan, or med?

Posted by: Dave in Texas at July 31, 2007 05:26 AM (pzen5)

6 Lauraw -- I thought you had already found some throw pillows that would look just dreamy in the aoshq?

Posted by: dave at July 31, 2007 05:27 AM (9OeIi)

Look at the bright side. At least he hasn't demanded to see "the twins" yet.

Posted by: Dogstar at July 31, 2007 05:30 AM (FgxdU)

8 Does this mean the terrorists have already won?

Posted by: quiggs at July 31, 2007 05:30 AM (TGXr3)

9 Sue for sexual harrassment.

You could win tens of dollars!!!

Posted by: IreneFingIrene at July 31, 2007 05:31 AM (s7Ian)

10 Dave, I agree, the Emo Pea pillows would look quite lovely in the AOSHQ.

Posted by: PattyAnn at July 31, 2007 05:32 AM (t+FKE)

11 Dave, I agree, the Emo Pea pillows would look quite lovely in the AOSHQ.

Well, they would beat the stuffed dead hobo pillows they have now.

Posted by: dave at July 31, 2007 05:36 AM (9OeIi)

Methinks it's time for Giamboni to find out how strong your kicking leg is.

No way I'm soiling these cute new pumps on that greaseball.

Posted by: lauraw at July 31, 2007 05:39 AM (fbIf+)

Well, they would beat the stuffed dead hobo pillows they have now.

Dave, those aren't pillows.

Posted by: harrison at July 31, 2007 05:39 AM (g9+L2)

14 A place where wanton sexual harassment goes unquestioned? I knew not that the HQ was a place of Utopian magnificence.

Posted by: Nth at July 31, 2007 05:42 AM (PV/4J)

15 Dave, have you been through orientation yet?

I hope your medical insurance premiums cover psychological counseling.

Posted by: Slublog at July 31, 2007 05:44 AM (R8+nJ)

16 "I knew not that the HQ was a place of Utopian magnificence."

It also has plenty of virgins... All guys, though.

Posted by: someone at July 31, 2007 05:45 AM (eCH82)

17 What, Snake Plisken was busy?

Posted by: mojo at July 31, 2007 05:55 AM (g1cNf)

18 I don't know, Giamboni seems kinda hot to me.

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at July 31, 2007 06:01 AM (t6KZi)

19 It also has plenty of virgins... All guys, though.

Damnit.

Posted by: Nth at July 31, 2007 06:03 AM (PV/4J)

20 Giamboni looks like a tweeker to me.

Posted by: 3rd_Bird at July 31, 2007 06:04 AM (tMwd6)

I'd offer to come up there and settle that guinea's hash once and for all, but I am a little scared of those mullet-and-'stache looking guys and I'd probably run away blubbering.

Better to spare us all the embarassment.

Posted by: spongeworthy at July 31, 2007 06:18 AM (uSomN)

22 Well, to the victor go the spoils, right? How come I don't see JimBimbo posting here anymore?

Posted by: croaker at July 31, 2007 06:24 AM (bBeDR)

23 How come I don't see JimBimbo posting here anymore?

Has anyone looked closely at those "pillows"?

Posted by: VRWC Agent at July 31, 2007 06:30 AM (Z3AmO)

Hmmm, I wonder if my login still works here....

If things get really bad, I may have to put up pictures of my kids or something, at least it's not cat blogging...though family blogging is not much better.

Posted by: WunderKraut at July 31, 2007 06:32 AM (0yMxr)

Thanks anyway, spongeworthy. I got it under control.

I'm just a little ticked off cause I just had my official AOSHQ claw hammer chromed.

Posted by: lauraw at July 31, 2007 06:44 AM (TAskt)

26 I miss Ace already.

Posted by: I'm Not a Crank at July 31, 2007 06:50 AM (nF4Jh)

How about dusting off that fluffy pink AoSHQ logo you made a while back?

Posted by: 3rd_Bird at July 31, 2007 06:56 AM (tMwd6)

28 If Johnny Fucking Coldcuts is in the office he needs to get his bun off the platter and start telling us what happens in the future.

I figure he was being kept away because of the whole Hairy Petter thing because he'd already seen the seventh and eighth movies during his travels.

Who else picked the Red Sox in 2004?!?
Screw the Psychic 900 numbers, tell me what has already will have been happening, Johnny!

Posted by: paul in Iowa at July 31, 2007 07:02 AM (qzOby)

29 lauraw, just lock the midget in a drawer. He's only 3'4" fer chrissakes.

Posted by: Don Carne at July 31, 2007 07:11 AM (wSNS7)

30 How come I don't see JimBimbo posting here anymore?

Has anyone looked closely at those "pillows"?

OMG! JimBimbo was a hobo!

Posted by: dave at July 31, 2007 07:21 AM (CQYpd)

31 How come I don't see JimBimbo posting here anymore?

Has anyone looked closely at those "pillows"?

OMG! JimBimbo was a hobo!

Posted by: dave at July 31, 2007

"WAS" being the operative term, here. Ace will be back as soon as his hunting trip up in Britt (here in Iowa) is over.

Posted by: paul in Iowa at July 31, 2007 07:31 AM (qzOby)

What does this guy think he is, an Indian?

Bullsh&t.

Not now, not evah.

Posted by: Sarcastic Lizard at July 31, 2007 07:38 AM (FgxdU)

33 Ace will be back as soon as his hunting trip up in Britt (here in Iowa) is over.

You fucker. You stole my line.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at July 31, 2007 08:01 AM (tVbxd)

_{"It also has plenty of virgins... All guys, though."}

Ya? Why doesn't even one of them retain their Anal-Virginity Card then?

Posted by: TheEJS at July 31, 2007 08:32 AM (qN+aI)

35 And I'm not crazy about his little pet names for me, such as 'Miss Pussycat,' 'Sugarbuns,' 'Hump buddy,' or simply, 'Cootch.'

Just be grateful he isn't calling you "Sugartits".

Posted by: OregonMuse at July 31, 2007 08:51 AM (WqDqW)

36 Meh, just put up some posters of catboys, and watch the guys run away. Catboys are ee-vil....

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